No Hives!

So, this morning I had my performance evaluation at work. Last year I was a little disappointed (I did write about it here ) and was hoping this year would be better. In reading last year's post, it looks like my manager gave me some ideas and opportunities for improvement. At that time, I did not know that I would become the chairperson for my unit committee or be on a hospital-wide committee. Those experiences, the classes I have taken, the people I have met, and just another year of being a nurse led me to receiving a "much improved" evaluation, and really reflected what I have done to try and do a better job (even though last year I couldn't believe the things that were said and while it was frustruating, I obviously was able to learn from them!). We set some performance improvement goals, and she gave me some ideas on how to better handle those stressful situations. This year, my "passion" for my job was looked upon as something positive in contrast to last year when that almost seemed like a negative. I guess it is all in how I handle myself and the situation. I KNOW that this past year I have been blessed with people who have taught me to cherish each moment and celebrate the small things. I am sure that has helped me not only cope with the difficult times, but also create significance from the little things. (And, I'm not just saying that to convince myself that my "addiction" to reading blogs is okay!") Even when sad things happen, I am able to remember the good times and the special moments I created with patients and their families.

About half-way through our conversation (I was there for about 45 minutes since I also wanted to talk to her about some of the things from yesterday and general unit issues while I had her to myself!), she said to me "you don't even have hives!" I could hardly believe it! It used to be that ANY time I engaged in difficult conversations, or was in a stressful situation, or pretty much any time I went to talk to her about someting I would get "instant hives". There wasn't really anything I could do to stop them...or so I thought! After she said that, I realized that it has probably been quite a while since I had broken out in hives due to nerves/stress. That is SO awesome! Since it is not something that I can control by my head alone, I suppose that means that something within me has changed to where I am more confident and comfortable in those situations. That is SO exciting to me!

I had a meeting after our meeting, then went to a foster parent picnic. It was really fun (even though I didn't end up playing with the kids like I thought I would do!). I talked to the woman I did supervised visits with, the social worker who did my visits, a friend who works at my agency and got me interested in becoming a foster parent, and the mother of a former patient who passed away in January. I actually wrote about her quite a bit because that was a very difficult time for me ( here , here , and here ). Her mom told me how much it meant that I attended her funeral. I told her about how many road blocks I had to go through to make it there, but I KNEW I needed to be there (and hearing that today definitely made it all worth it, and I am even more certain that I NEEDED to be there!). She has been wanted to go to the hospital to visit and donate some of her daughter's things, but has not been able to go through with actually driving there. She asked when I worked, and I told her that I don't have an actual schedule. So, she thought, either I would be there when she came, or I wouldn't. I let her know that if she would like me to go with her to the hospital, to hold her hand as she entered those doors, and stepped onto the floors where her daughter spent many days, and took her last breath, I would do that. Such a seemingly simple gesture, but it was exactly what she needed, and we will plan to go some time in September. We shared stories about her little girl along with some tears. I am looking forward to spending more time with her at future foster parent gatherings. I think she will be very supportive and helpful to me when I have a child placed in my home.

After that, I went to an eye doctor appointment and then "chilled" until my softball game. We only have one game left, and I think I'm ready for the season to be over! My legs have multiple bruises from all the balls that have hit them this season. My elbow, however, is healing very nicely :o) We got beat very badly yet again, but at least the other team was nice. My parents cooked me dinner after the game :o) and we ate with their Japanese student as we watched the Olympics. She leaves tomorrow to spend some time in California before heading back to Jampan and I will go with my dad to the airport if I don't end up having to work. I signed up for a bonus shift in the PICU, but it doesn't sound like they will need me. Again, sort of frustruting since the extra money would be great, but like all the other days I have been "called off", I have lots of other options of things to do. My friend also invited me to a 5:00 dinner that I will be able to attend if I do not work. It is what it is (and it is nearly 12:30, so it probably will be best if I DON'T have to be up at 6:00 now!).

So, quite a busy day! I am still surprised about the whole "no hives" thing (especially that my manager noticed it before I did!) but very excited about that too because that could open a whole new world for me :o) Okay, so maybe not QUITE that dramatic, but it is even more stressful to know that I can't stand up for myself, or for someone else without breaking out in hives. Now maybe I can!

Okay, I am tired, and this is probably a long enough post! Time for bed. Good night.