Remembering and Celebrating

I know I need to make some time to write about how everything has been going around here, but today is not that day...at least not yet ;) It's been a year since Sara took her last breath. It was so awesome to see how many people had been changed by "knowing" her in the days leading up to her death and in the days that followed. Even now, you'll occasionally see an "@ gitzengirl" on twitter and people all over the world continue to Choose Joy in her honor and memory (some even have those words tattooed permanently...maybe I will some day ;) ) Although I never got my "face-to-face" or telephone chat, I am grateful for all the times we did "connect". I know she would be as happy as I am with how things have ended up with the teenager and I'm sure she'd say she was proud of me for "doing it again" with a new placement. Her family has kept her blog active, so if you haven't "met" Sara, today would be a good day. She was an amazing person who left behind quite a legacy. Choose Joy...today and every day.

Finding my Words (Originally Posted September 24, 2011)

Ever since I read the words on Sara's blog last Wednesday saying that hospice had been brought into her home and her days left here would be few, I have been trying to find my words. That post came two days after I found out that my foster daughters could go home and their days left here in my home would also be few.

Every time I thought maybe I'd be able to find the words, I'd read another beautiful post by one of her friends (like Alece, Mandy and Shannon). I bawled reading this post and even though I kept reminding myself that I just needed to speak from my heart and be myself, I just couldn't do it. Even though this post put into words how you can be so incredibly sad to lose someone that you've never actually "met" (thank you social media), I still struggled. I was thankful for the nearly 700 comments on that post last Wednesday and the well over 100 links on this post to help me not feel so crazy to feel this way about someone I never actually met. I know that my family and friends who live here would NEVER understand, but I'm so grateful to have friends who do.

Finally, I'm sitting in a quiet house with a Green Apple Smirnoff and going to attempt to find some words to share.

I was trying to remember when and how I first came to know Sara (Gitzen Girl). However, I really can't remember. I think either it's one of those things that happened that didn't seem significant at the time, but ended up being something much bigger or something so "fabulous" that I can't remember my life without her blog in it ;)

I did do a little "research" and it appears that the first post I wrote that mentioned her was in February of 2009 in this post. It appears that the first time I actually left a comment on her blog was that same month on this post which is actually a very funny "Flashback Friday" about when she had someone get her chicken on a Friday during Lent since it "wasn't meat"...one of the many reasons people love Sara :)

The month after that, Sara was doing something called "Hump Day Giveaways" which again is super funny because who doesn't enjoy saying "Hump Day Giveaway"?! ;) I left a comment on this post, found out the following day I was a winner, and wrote a rather boastful post on my blog to celebrate. That canvas now hangs in my kitchen and it is a gift I will treasure forever.


In April 2010, I wrote about "bringing Sara" to Holy Week services with me and how that made it that much more special (FYI the rest of that post is really boring and all over the place, but I did write about that ;) ) Knowing Sara and her "circumstances" definitely helped change my views on a lot of things...I open the windows more, I play in the rain more, take more time to look at flowers and listen to nature, and hope I take less of my life and its blessings for granted.


In June 2010, I was completely "star struck" after being included in Gitz Bits (I sent her "Glee Gum") and had begun to refer to myself as a "Gitzen Girl Groupie" (or THE Gitzen Girl Groupie...excuse me ;) ) That was the month I became a foster parent and I was on the receiving end of many prayers and much love and support in that decision and the journey that followed.

The following month, Sara's dad died suddenly and I wrote in this (very long) post that I had read it while I was at work and was so sad for her, especially since she was unable to really be with her whole family during that time. A month or two ago, I shared with her that she and her parents were in one of my dreams. I wish I could get my twitter feed back that far since I don't remember everything, but I remember making some kind of comment to her dad about "checking out early" and he had some kind of sarcastic remark since obviously mine was a bit out of line...she told me that was the kind of response I would have gotten from him. There was more in that dream that I can't remember now, but I am glad I was able to share some of it with her.


In September, 2010, the "little one" (my then 3-year-old foster daughter) and I found this video.



I can't even tell you how many times we watched it or how many nights in a row she asked to "see Sara". I've watched it a few times this past week too because I have also wanted to "see Sara". This is the closest I ever really came to "seeing" her. We made plans to Skype a few times last fall, but it never worked out with her health/our schedules. Last September was the first time I remember telling her that "for real" seeing and/or talking to her was on my "Bucket List"...she laughed and/or made fun of me every time I said it (her exact words in a tweet were "oh my word, I'm not bucket list material, woman! Riley, maybe :)" ) The last tweet I could find from her was about six weeks ago before Jessica's visit. She was SO excited about that visit and I told her I was jealous of Jessica (no offense...she responded that I was jealous of the wrong person!) I reminded her of my "Bucket List" and she responded "we'll get that checked off someday, girl. then you can aim higher :)" Totally Sara :)

In October 2010, I participated in my first (and only) "Take Five Friday" and in December, I linked up to my one (and only) "You: Create" link-up. I was inspired to make a canvas for my teenage foster daughter's 16th birthday. Sara helped me figure out what to put on it by suggesting song lyrics. I decided to use lyrics from Lady Antebellum's song "I Was Here"--"I know it's my destiny to leave more than a trace of myself in this place." Those are some powerful words and I definitely know Sara is leaving WAY more than a trace of herself in this place.

I'm not sure why my "research" didn't find any posts from 2011, but I think it's because 2011 had more "tweets" and blog comments exchanged than anything else. Sara may have been a "big name blogger", but she had a way of making everyone feel like they were the most important person in the world to her. She prayed for you, she rejoiced with you, she cried with you, she was a cheerleader and a devoted friend and family member. In response to a comment I left on one of her (in)courage posts back in May, she told me "hi, sweet girl. you are doing such an amazing with those girls, and I know they will treasure these memories just as much as you do. much love!" That was written just a few days before I thought the girls were going home. Now, as I am just days away of them "for real" going home, they are exactly the words I need to hear. That is Sara...one of the many things about her that will be missed...

Hopefully my struggle to find my words wasn't too painful for anyone else to read, but this blog has always been for me and I want to remember this. It is a little "linky crazy", but at least all (or most) of my "Sara posts" will be in one place whenever I need a reminder to "Choose Joy". Sara is more precious to me than words can say. I regret that there are cards I bought for her that never were sent. I wish I really would have hopped in my car one day and drove to see her (honestly, I was more afraid of any "funky stuff" that I carried on me from being a pediatric nurse than afraid of being seen as a "crazy lady" for randomly showing up on her doorstep!) I'm not sure Sara ever could have met a stranger who didn't soon become her friend...and that is why there are "strangers" all over the world grieving over the fact that this world is losing an amazing person while also celebrating that in Heaven she will be free of the pain she faced on this Earth. Sara, you will be missed, but know that your legacy will live on in each and every person who has read your words, heard your story, been on the receiving end of a tweet/email/blog comment, etc. Who knew that a farm girl from Iowa who couldn't leave her condo could do so much good...only God...and I am SO very blessed that God chose me to be a part of it too. Thank you Sara. And, if any of her family happens upon this post...thanks for sharing Sara with all of us...my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.


Update: Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this post, drinking the last sip of my Green Apple Smirnoff, Sara was taking her last breath. I woke up at 6:00 this morning to get ready for work and saw the posts on twitter. I haven't exactly had time to process since I need to leave for work very shortly, but will be praying for her family and all who love her. I found a scrub top to wear to work that has hearts and stars and the words "Love", "Peace", and "Joy"...I will remember to "Choose Joy".


Also, if you clicked here from Jessica's site and were curious about the red square thumbnail...well, it was supposed to be this--a picture (from my phone) of my canvas on the wall in my kitchen. However, I obviously had some major technological difficulties and had no clue how to fix it ;)

Live Your Own Life

I have been awful at blogging these past few months! Overall, things are going well and I don't have much/any complaints (maybe that's why I haven't been blogging...not too much to "vent" about!)

After my month of having to sign up for extra shifts at work, our census has been really low and I haven't worked my full-time hours in over three weeks. That really stinks considering I have a vacation planned for next month that I may have to take without pay. I also am going to have someone do a pretty big backyard landscaping project later this month. I'm going to have to take out a loan for that (or use my credit card) which is okay, but not as "okay" if I'm going to miss out on $300+ a pay check! Other than that, work is good. I had my annual performance evaluation which went really well (I didn't cry and I didn't get hives!) They would like me to work on a large project about the work done on my unit to present hospital-wide (hopefully with a group of other nurses from my unit!) That actually would be pretty cool, but a lot of work!

Today, I was "on call" for work, which stinks (last week when I was on call, I got called in right before I was going to have lunch with my family and yesterday I got called in by 10:00). It didn't seem that likely that I'd get called in, but I have to be there within an hour, so couldn't stray too far from home. I decided to "take a chance" and try to spend the day with my nephew. I wanted to take him to a Museum or something, but it would have taken too long if I had to bring him back to my sister. So, we went to a park and played for a while. I face planted during one of my attempts at an "underdog" while he was on the swing. Thank goodness we were at the park by ourselves! After the park, we went to the mall and played in their little play area. It wasn't quite lunch time, so we started walking around the mall and I spotted Build a Bear. We went inside and they had bears that were only $10, so I decided we would do that. He didn't realize there were options for sound and clothes/accessories, so it really was affordable and I think he had fun.

The teen has stayed with me every weekend and a couple of times during the week since school started. I've also been giving her rides home from school/work intermittently. Her mom rarely contacts me (except when she's freaking out or wants to complain about the teen or wants me to do something like take the little one for the day because she "had stuff to do"). She irritates me so much when I do have contact with her that I try not to complain about the lack of her involvement in any of the positive parts of the teen's life. I wish she had half a clue how amazing her daughter is, but I know there is nothing I can do to change that. So, I continue to support the teen (besides getting irritated with her last night when she agreed to work an extra shift without a plan on how she was getting home besides calling me and telling me that she was probably going to miss three days of school to go out of town for a cousin's birthday...I don't think that's cool when you already struggle in school and are trying to get into college, but I could be overreacting...) and give her positive reinforcement. She talks to me all the time, even sharing that she stayed up until 2:30 AM on a school night talking to a guy from work about "girl problems"...I think she knew it was "wrong" but needed me to be another voice of reason. She's a great kid and I'm very proud of her. It has been a blessing to watch her grow and change during these 2+ years since she first came to live here and I'm really looking forward to seeing what amazing things she will do with her life. 

I have been in the process of lining up day care/baby-sitter coverage so I'm ready if/when I get a call from my agency for a placement. I told them they could start calling me in September after all the new computer stuff at work settled down. My sister texted me on September 1st asking if I had gotten any calls...not yet and you'll probably be the first to know! These next two weeks probably would be "ideal" with my work schedule being the way it is, but I already know that the timing is not up to me and it will happen if/when it is supposed to. I met two college girls on Sunday that I found on one of the baby-sitter Internet sites. They go to the college that is right down the street. One is a nursing major and the other is elementary education. I also found a friend of a friend who is a child life specialist but unable to work in a hospital because of some health issues. So, hopefully one of the three of them will be able to help me on weekends and times when the day care/school is not open and I have to work. Even though my family didn't want to be as involved "the next time", I still think they will be willing to help if they can.

I was having an after dinner drink with my parents and their (retired) neighbors. I know their neighbors really well and was talking to the wife about how things were going and mentioned that I'd interviewed a couple baby-sitters. She wondered why I was interviewing baby-sitters. I told her it was so I was ready for my "next placement". Her response was that I "shouldn't do that" and that I need to "start living my own life"... I feel like I handled myself pretty well in the moment, but it did make me cry a little bit once I got home. I discovered when I posted something on twitter that I'm not alone in people making comments like that to foster/adoptive parents. Sure, I have had some really stressful and emotional times during the past 2+ years during my foster parenting/post-reunification time. However, I think parenting (and life in general) comes with "stressful and emotional times". Even with the irritations, frustrations, emotional, and stressful times, I have been so blessed and "fostering" makes me happy. Even though my life choices may not be the choices others would make (hello, I turned down an almost full-ride scholarship to a pretty prestigious University and then turned down the opportunity to get a sign-on bonus and my college tuition paid for by a hospital...), I don't have regrets and am looking forward to having another child(ren) placed in my home for a while.

I don't remember when I changed the header on my blog (it's been a long time...change is hard for me!), but it was before I became a foster parent, so probably at least three years. However, when I did, I chose for it to say "My beautiful Journey" because this is my life, my journey...and it is beautiful, even if it isn't like anyone else's, or what anyone else thinks it should look like. "The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you."

And, since I think about Sara all the time and can hardly believe she's been gone nearly a year, here's a link to another one of her "quote heavy" posts...I miss her, but am so thankful I still have easy access to her words... 

Until the next time...

5 Years of Blogging

Today is my Five Year Blogoversary! Wow. SO much has happened these past five years! I had no idea when I first started this blog (lovely first post here...it makes me laugh because I'm not sure ANY of my posts in the five years since then have been that short!) what I would write about, who would read it, or for how long I would keep it going.

The first three years were mostly posts about work. In case I haven't written about it recently, I'm a pediatric nurse. Those first three years had a number of rough spells and that first year brought the first anniversaries of the deaths of some of my favorite patients. I wrote about the struggles of little girls named "E" and "A" who have come close to death more times than anyone could imagine but, by the grace of God are still on this Earth touching the lives and hearts of everyone they "meet". I wrote about a patient who is now 4 1/2 but was "the baby" for months on here as he struggled. I was "for sure" that God brought his mom into my life so I could be there with her when she had to say good-bye.

I still write about work sometimes, but nearly two years ago, I was given a new role as a foster parent and so I wrote a lot about that journey. "The teen" (M) was 15 1/2 and a much different girl than she is now. "The little one" (L) was nearly 3 and now she's about to be 5. They lived with me for 16 months and the nearly 8 months since then have been posts about the ups and downs of post-reunification.

I've been the "one date wonder", "dated" someone for about 6 months, and "talked it out" here as I struggled with being okay with who I am despite others thinking they know what's best for me.

I've met some amazing people during these five years of blogging...some of them even "in real life" and are now my "real life friends".

I gained a brother-in-law, two nephews, and some "cousins-in-law". I also lost my grandpa. I have learned that even though my family drives me crazy sometimes (and I enjoy having a "safe" place to vent...sometimes I have thought about removing some of those posts, but I like having it documented so I remember how I got through things), they love me and I am so blessed to have them.

I have taken vacations to California, Nashville, Chicago, and Pittsburgh.

This may still be a pretty quiet place, but I am definitely okay with that! I come here and write for me (because I have way too many paper "journals" that I already don't know what to do with and can't imagine having 5 more years of them!) I learn from myself when I take the time to read old posts. I love seeing how far I've come and reminding myself about things I did/the way things used to be. I am so very blessed and it's nice to have those blessings and reasons to give thanks right here on my computer...especially on days that aren't very fun.

So, a very Happy Fifth Blogoversary to me...I'd do a giveaway, but wouldn't know what to give away and that isn't really what this blog is all about, so sorry ;) My favorite candies are Bottle Caps and Hot Tamales in case YOU want to send me a gift...ha!

Here's to (at least) five more years of writing here and continuing to wonder if I have anything to say...

On Being "Brave"

This morning, I was fortunate enough to be able to attend an (in) Real Life gathering. As I was getting ready, I challenged myself to try to do more listening than talking. I AM capable of being a good listener (I think ;) ), but I'm also REALLY good at talking about "my story". 

As I started the 70 minute drive, I thought about the fact that I was driving alone to an unknown location to a house filled with women I had never met/knew nothing about. (I also thought about the fact that I was driving alone for 70 minutes so my challenge of not talking so much was likely going to be an even bigger challenge...ha!)

And then I thought about being "brave". If someone asked me to pick a few words to describe myself, I doubt I would come up with the word "brave". However, I really have done some things in my life that could be considered "brave":

• I moved 750 miles away to attend college. I only knew one other person who was going to that school and it wasn't someone that I was likely to "hang out" with. I lived in dorms for four years, I joined clubs, and found some good friends.
• After college, I moved 1500 miles away from home to a city I'd only briefly visited twice. I lived in my own apartment for 15 months. I learned how to do "everything" myself (or be resourceful to find someone who could help me). I went to the grocery store, the movies, and on day trips by myself. Unfortunately, community/friendships didn't come as easily outside the university setting, so it was a pretty easy decision to come back "home".
• Just over five years ago, I bought my house from my parents after my sister and I rented it from them for three years. I sometimes pay people to mow/shovel and my dad cleans the gutters, but I mostly take care of things ;)
• Nearly four years ago, I hopped on an airplane to meet a "blog-friend-turned-real-life-friend" face-to-face.
• Just over two years ago, I (finally!) got my foster parent license...and the first call for a placement. 
• Nearly two years ago, a very introverted 15-year-old and a chatty nearly 3-year-old became my first foster placement. I ended up being a single foster mom to them for 16 months. They went home seven months ago, but we are still changing each other's lives :)
• Six months ago, I flew to Nashville for my birthday and met two more "blog-friends-turned-real-life friends". 
• Then, today I drove 70 minutes down the road alone and met women who are now my "tweeps" and "fb friends". I still probably talked too much and made weird faces in photos (and tried really hard not to randomly start bawling...that worked much better than the not talking too much did!), but they all made me feel like I "belonged" anyway ;)

Although I rarely feel "brave"...it seems I may have more courage than your "average gal" ;) So, I will embrace that...and remember this when I am feeling anything but brave.

I'd better go to bed...it's looking like it could be a long day at work tomorrow and is going to be a very busy week!
Good night.

Keeping Busy

I'm not sure how or when I got too busy to blog. I blogged a lot more when I had two kids living here, was working full-time, dealing with visitation, caseworker visits, other appointments, and family obligations! Now, half the time I don't even know what day it is. Maybe I blogged more out of "necessity" even though I was just as/more busy than I am now because I needed a safe place to vent...and now I just vent to anyone who will listen (even though I probably should go back to blogging...ha!)

Last weekend I was off work and "teenless" because one of my cousin's got married. My sister was a bridesmaid so I helped my mom with my nephews. Well, everyone kind of helped with them, but I made sure to be present so there would be no complaints ;) I did a reading at the wedding and got lots of compliments. I got that public speaking gene from my dad, although I am much more comfortable reading someone else's words than speaking into a microphone words that I have written or need to speak spontaneously. It was an honor to be asked and I'm glad I was up to the challenge. It was really fun to be with my family. My mom and I went to the gift opening on Sunday which was nice too.

My nephew wanted to be with "his boys" (my cousins) the whole night :)

Handsome :)

He literally danced until he could barely stand up (around 10:30 with no nap!)

My mom, aunt, and I went and got our hair done. I love how it turned out! 

With my mom and sister :)

My mom's parents. They are so cute.

Even though there are 21 grandkids on my mom's side, I think it wil be a while before another family wedding. There have been five and there are four great-grandkids :)

It has been a busy couple of weeks at work. I am on a committee that is working on getting my hospital re-designated as a Magnet institution. It represents excellence in nursing and is only given to about 6% of hospitals in the country. So, it's a really big deal and has been a lot of work (but a lot of interesting and fun stuff too). The appraisers are coming next week to talk to nurses and other members of the hospital staff to validate/verify/amplify everything that we wrote in our 500+ page document. So, I have been going to meetings on my days off, sending emails, and had to create a binder with information. We are also supposed to be working on our peer and self evaluations and there are still a lot of extra shifts to fill until our new staff is hired.

I do love my job, but it's times like this that I'm grateful I haven't gotten any new foster kids. A sweet 2 1/2 year old was admitted to my floor this week after someone (apparently) beat the cr@p out of him. As much as he seems like a kid that I would be able to handle (if I got a call about him...that is still only a remote possibility at this point...I have no idea how that works really!), I still feel like I should wait. I have no idea how many extra hours we are going to have to work this summer since we are implementing a new charting system and still won't be fully staffed. I think I would feel guilty putting an already traumatized child into day care for more than 40 hours a week/for 13 hour days. Eventually, I know I'll have to get over part of that if I want to take another placement, but it would be better if I knew I was only working 3 days a week, not have to go 4 or 5 days a week. 

Plus, I have no idea what's going to happen with the teen...and she remains my priority. She was here 5 out of 8 nights before last weekend's wedding. Then, I guess her mom did the whole "no more Amanda" line. She has always changed her mind, but the threat still remains...and neither of us know how, when, or why she will change her mind.  She agreed to let the teen come over here after school on Tuesday so she and I could go to a college baseball game. Then, she said she could stay the night. That day, her mom called me and talked to me for 45 minutes straight like we were BFFs. Definitely 45 minutes of my life I can never get back, but I can surely laugh about some of the things she told me and if I have to listen to her mumbo jumbo in order to have contact with the teen, by all means, I'll keep the phone to my ear ;)

Last night got a little sticky though...as did this afternoon. So, there is no telling what will happen from here. Yesterday, the teen and I tried to contact her about plans (kind of sort of trying to get her to say she could just stay the night), but she had her phone off. We stalled for a while and she called really ticked off when we were on the way to bring her home. We were almost to their street when she told me she didn't have a way to get the teen to school so she should just stay with me even though we were both "pushing it". Today, she did end up letting me bring the teen to her high school's soccer game, but it was after a few angry text messages/phone calls and the threat of not allowing the teen to go to any more social events.

Her mom also "forgot" to go to her meeting at the teen's school about tuition and other commitments. The teen (finally) talked to one of her teachers about what has been going on as well as to the President of the school to tell her how much she wants to graduate from there and what she is willing to do to help financially. I'm willing to do pretty much anything to help make that happen, even if it's the teen and I who have to do everything. 

Today was Parent Appreciation Day at the school and her mom had no clue. I suppose that worked to my benefit because I was able to bring her lunch (for her and her friends) and her mom has no clue ;) One of her friends asked if I was her sister, another asked if I was her mom...I'm cool with either (especially since we look nothing alike...family is definitely more than genes though!) I am so proud of her and I really hope she is doing as well in her classes as she says she is. I do know she is trying hard.

I know fortune cookies are meant to be for fun, but every once in a while, they really make sense. This was her fortune:  "Focus on your long-term goal. Good things will soon happen." My fortune was "Your imagination will point you in a new direction. Go for it!" Pretty cool :)

Tomorrow she is baby-sitting for some relative who actually lives REALLY close to me. I dropped her off there tonight and discovered that I had actually been inside that house before...25 years ago! We had gotten into a car accident on the way to grandma's house because someone ran a stop sign and my dad couldn't stop on the icy road. The older lady who lived in that house let us come in and wait for the police to come. Such a small world!

Speaking of small world...blogging (and twitter) has brought such a great community. This weekend there is something called (in) Real Life from the people who started (in) courage. I signed up and took Saturday off work. It is being held about an hour drive from where I live. I had no idea what to expect, but this week I got emails from two women who will be there and now I'm really looking forward to it. I am still not sure what, if anything, I'll have in common with these other people, but I love meeting new people and blogging/twitter has definitely brought me a community of people I never would have met "in real life". This may mean I have to open up my quiet little blog to people who live locally and met me before they read anything here (so I can have a heart attack every time my site meter tells me someone in my State visited), but if it does, I know it will be "ok".

So, that's the happenings here. I'm finishing up a Woodchuck and then should head to bed. I have two meetings tomorrow...super fun ;) I may need to go to the store and get some Green Apple Smirnoff in honor of Sara. Tomorrow part of the (in)Real Life is sharing her story of creating community even though she was homebound...I miss that girl. If you haven't "met" her, you should go read her story...she'll knock your socks off (or something like that ;) ) Choose Joy...today and every day :)

Until the next time...

Good night.

Six Months

Today marked six months since Sara (Gitzen Girl) left this Earth. However, her life did not really "end" because her legacy lives on in all those who have been touched by her story and continue to "Choose Joy" because of her. (I even chose "Choose" as my "One Word" for this year.) I am so blessed to have exchanged words with her on twitter and via email. Although none of our plans to actually have a "face-to-face" chat worked out, Sara still had a way of making me feel like I was a very important person to her...and in the days leading up to her death and the days after, I realized that was the way she made EVERYONE feel. I think about her all the time and I miss her presence (even though her words are still here), but am grateful that she chose to share herself...in the good times and the not so good ones. Here is a photo of the canvas of hers that I won and a "repost" of what I wrote on the day Sara passed away.

Finding My Words (Originally Posted September 24, 2011)
Ever since I read the words on Sara's blog last Wednesday saying that hospice had been brought into her home and her days left here would be few, I have been trying to find my words. That post came two days after I found out that my foster daughters could go home and their days left here in my home would also be few.

Every time I thought maybe I'd be able to find the words, I'd read another beautiful post by one of her friends (like Alece, Mandy and Shannon). I bawled reading this post and even though I kept reminding myself that I just needed to speak from my heart and be myself, I just couldn't do it. Even though this post put into words how you can be so incredibly sad to lose someone that you've never actually "met" (thank you social media), I still struggled. I was thankful for the nearly 700 comments on that post last Wednesday and the well over 100 links on this post to help me not feel so crazy to feel this way about someone I never actually met. I know that my family and friends who live here would NEVER understand, but I'm so grateful to have friends who do.

Finally, I'm sitting in a quiet house with a Green Apple Smirnoff and going to attempt to find some words to share.

I was trying to remember when and how I first came to know Sara (Gitzen Girl). However, I really can't remember. I think either it's one of those things that happened that didn't seem significant at the time, but ended up being something much bigger or something so "fabulous" that I can't remember my life without her blog in it ;)

I did do a little "research" and it appears that the first post I wrote that mentioned her was in February of 2009 in this post. It appears that the first time I actually left a comment on her blog was that same month on this post which is actually a very funny "Flashback Friday" about when she had someone get her chicken on a Friday during Lent since it "wasn't meat"...one of the many reasons people love Sara :)

The month after that, Sara was doing something called "Hump Day Giveaways" which again is super funny because who doesn't enjoy saying "Hump Day Giveaway"?! ;) I left a comment on this post, found out the following day I was a winner, and wrote a rather boastful post on my blog to celebrate. That canvas now hangs in my kitchen and it is a gift I will treasure forever.


In April 2010, I wrote about "bringing Sara" to Holy Week services with me and how that made it that much more special (FYI the rest of that post is really boring and all over the place, but I did write about that ;) ) Knowing Sara and her "circumstances" definitely helped change my views on a lot of things...I open the windows more, I play in the rain more, take more time to look at flowers and listen to nature, and hope I take less of my life and its blessings for granted.


In June 2010, I was completely "star struck" after being included in Gitz Bits (I sent her "Glee Gum") and had begun to refer to myself as a "Gitzen Girl Groupie" (or THE Gitzen Girl Groupie...excuse me ;) ) That was the month I became a foster parent and I was on the receiving end of many prayers and much love and support in that decision and the journey that followed.

The following month, Sara's dad died suddenly and I wrote in this (very long) post that I had read it while I was at work and was so sad for her, especially since she was unable to really be with her whole family during that time. A month or two ago, I shared with her that she and her parents were in one of my dreams. I wish I could get my twitter feed back that far since I don't remember everything, but I remember making some kind of comment to her dad about "checking out early" and he had some kind of sarcastic remark since obviously mine was a bit out of line...she told me that was the kind of response I would have gotten from him. There was more in that dream that I can't remember now, but I am glad I was able to share some of it with her.


In September, 2010, the "little one" (my then 3-year-old foster daughter) and I found this video.



I can't even tell you how many times we watched it or how many nights in a row she asked to "see Sara". I've watched it a few times this past week too because I have also wanted to "see Sara". This is the closest I ever really came to "seeing" her. We made plans to Skype a few times last fall, but it never worked out with her health/our schedules. Last September was the first time I remember telling her that "for real" seeing and/or talking to her was on my "Bucket List"...she laughed and/or made fun of me every time I said it (her exact words in a tweet were "oh my word, I'm not bucket list material, woman! Riley, maybe :)" ) The last tweet I could find from her was about six weeks ago before Jessica's visit. She was SO excited about that visit and I told her I was jealous of Jessica (no offense...she responded that I was jealous of the wrong person!) I reminded her of my "Bucket List" and she responded "we'll get that checked off someday, girl. then you can aim higher :)" Totally Sara :)

In October 2010, I participated in my first (and only) "Take Five Friday" and in December, I linked up to my one (and only) "You: Create" link-up. I was inspired to make a canvas for my teenage foster daughter's 16th birthday. Sara helped me figure out what to put on it by suggesting song lyrics. I decided to use lyrics from Lady Antebellum's song "I Was Here"--"I know it's my destiny to leave more than a trace of myself in this place." Those are some powerful words and I definitely know Sara is leaving WAY more than a trace of herself in this place.

I'm not sure why my "research" didn't find any posts from 2011, but I think it's because 2011 had more "tweets" and blog comments exchanged than anything else. Sara may have been a "big name blogger", but she had a way of making everyone feel like they were the most important person in the world to her. She prayed for you, she rejoiced with you, she cried with you, she was a cheerleader and a devoted friend and family member. In response to a comment I left on one of her (in)courage posts back in May, she told me "hi, sweet girl. you are doing such an amazing with those girls, and I know they will treasure these memories just as much as you do. much love!" That was written just a few days before I thought the girls were going home. Now, as I am just days away of them "for real" going home, they are exactly the words I need to hear. That is Sara...one of the many things about her that will be missed...

Hopefully my struggle to find my words wasn't too painful for anyone else to read, but this blog has always been for me and I want to remember this. It is a little "linky crazy", but at least all (or most) of my "Sara posts" will be in one place whenever I need a reminder to "Choose Joy". Sara is more precious to me than words can say. I regret that there are cards I bought for her that never were sent. I wish I really would have hopped in my car one day and drove to see her (honestly, I was more afraid of any "funky stuff" that I carried on me from being a pediatric nurse than afraid of being seen as a "crazy lady" for randomly showing up on her doorstep!) I'm not sure Sara ever could have met a stranger who didn't soon become her friend...and that is why there are "strangers" all over the world grieving over the fact that this world is losing an amazing person while also celebrating that in Heaven she will be free of the pain she faced on this Earth. Sara, you will be missed, but know that your legacy will live on in each and every person who has read your words, heard your story, been on the receiving end of a tweet/email/blog comment, etc. Who knew that a farm girl from Iowa who couldn't leave her condo could do so much good...only God...and I am SO very blessed that God chose me to be a part of it too. Thank you Sara. And, if any of her family happens upon this post...thanks for sharing Sara with all of us...my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.


Update: Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this post, drinking the last sip of my Green Apple Smirnoff, Sara was taking her last breath. I woke up at 6:00 this morning to get ready for work and saw the posts on twitter. I haven't exactly had time to process since I need to leave for work very shortly, but will be praying for her family and all who love her. I found a scrub top to wear to work that has hearts and stars and the words "Love", "Peace", and "Joy"...I will remember to "Choose Joy".


Also, if you clicked here from Jessica's site and were curious about the red square thumbnail...well, it was supposed to be this--a picture (from my phone) of my canvas on the wall in my kitchen. However, I obviously had some major technological difficulties and had no clue how to fix it ;)

I Keep Pinching Myself

This is going to be brief because I need to work tomorrow and it's already past my bed time. Plus, I'm thinking I won't be getting much sleep the next two nights because...

My friend Ginger is driving nearly 1000 miles to come see me (and photograph my new nephew...she is an amazing photographer and my sister is SO excited!) Yes, the same Ginger that I met through this here blog. My first "blog friend turned real life friend" that I met "in real life". She came and visited when my first nephew was about 4 1/2 months old and those photos of him are my sister's favorites. I went and visited her and her family when her baby was 6 weeks old. Two days after that trip was when the girls came to live here...and the next 16 months were crazy (as have the five months since then, actually!)

I'm hoping my sister and I will be able to get her enough other business while she's here to pay for the gas to get here and home :) It's going to be a whirlwind couple of days, but I am SO excited!

And, Ginger's friend Kristy, the one whose blog I read that led me to her could use some financial help. She and her husband were preparing to become foster parents when they received news about a baby all the way across the country whose mom was considering adoption for her son. After her son was born, she decided she wanted Kristy and her husband to raise him. You can read her version of the story here and find out about fundraisers/a giveaway here. They need to raise enough money for adoption before he is placed in a foster home in his home State and would appreciate any help they can get. :)

Life in (Cell Phone) Pictures

I know I need to do a real update about the work situation, but it's been a while since I wrote anything here, so wanted to check in :) I uploaded some pictures from my cell phone to my computer, so thought that would be a fun update.

I've been trying to clean/organize to get ready for the party I was having today/for future foster placements. I found this note and picture from Sara/Gitzen Girl. I miss her...forever and always a "Gitzen Girl Groupie"...

I bought some boots that appear to be at least close to the "trend" as well as a pair of "skinny jeans". My mom gave me the green jacket as well as the striped shirt, so I believe I sent these pictures to her (and maybe to twitter). I know I'm by no means "skinny", but looking back at older pictures during my cleaning make me believe I really did lose nearly 10 pounds last year

I painted one wall in my bedroom when I first moved into this house "beach ball yellow". I tried doing a sponge paint thing but didn't do it right, so it just looked like I got it wet and messed up the paint. However, it took me over eight years to fix it. I bought new bedding on sale (still expensive, but SO comfy!) and painted the walls gray. I really like it!

My mom gave me a gr0up0n for shellac before Christmas. I have done it three times since then and I really like it. I've been a nail biter forever, but can't with this. Now I have nails AND the manicure stayed nice even through the painting project and cleaning/organizing.

I got this really great canvas in the mail from a twitter/blog friend. I hung it in my new gray bedroom on  a nail that was already there but it will probably be moved since it's kind of hidden. (This picture was taken in my kitchen...the wall colors in there are "Bordeaux".)

This purple room is where the little one slept, even though it was/is mostly a junk room. I have done a lot of work in here, but there is still a lot more to do to make it a functional room. I'm not sure if I'll be able to use it as a bedroom again since I was really lucky she never got into anything she wasn't supposed to!

I moved the table to that space (after I cleared it off and removed the stickers...gotta love goo gone!) There used to be an armoire there, but I moved it into the purple room for now since I thought my bedroom seemed too cluttered with it in there.

All week, they were predicting a big snow for today. I went to the store last night and quickly snapped this picture. There were no bananas and very few fruits/vegetables of any kind, but I did get what I needed.

It really did snow and it was a wet and heavy snow that was perfect for snowmen making, but not-so-much for shoveling. It cleared off quickly and the plows came through early, so I didn't have to cancel my party.

I sent out seven invitations to people from church. One couple emailed me soon after they got the invite that they and their two kids would not be able to come. Another person emailed me last night that she had a funeral to go to so couldn't make it. I wasn't sure what would happen with the snow, but everyone lives close and were all excited to get out of the house since it wasn't too bad. There ended up being 9 adults (including me) and 10 kids aged 6 and under. I made Taco Soup (I'll have to post the recipe next time) which was a huge hit and ordered some pizzas. The kids played in my play room and did more playing than eating, so I have quite a bit of pizza left. I wasn't sure how it was all going to work and thought maybe the dads would watch TV in the living room or something and the moms would be down with the kids or a mix of both...I didn't have any plans bedsides the food and getting a craft for the kids to do in case they got bored.

As it turned out, the three dads who could come went downstairs and visited while the kids played. The  kids migrated upstairs as they got hungry and then went back to play. They played with the Barbies, babies, kitchen, paint, markers, pretty much everything in my apparently well-stocked play room :) I was surprised to see how clean it was when they left (these are "after" pictures!) It was so great having something social to do and I think everyone had a good time. One of the moms I invited had never met the others, so I'm glad I was able to include her and her two girls had a fun time with the other kids (there were 7 girls and 3 boys...I need to "get" a little girl to fit right in...sad that I had a little girl who would have and we never got together the whole time she lived with me!)

Well, this is a lot longer of an update than I planned, but that's what's been going on in my life that has been "picture worthy". Tomorrow I am off and get to go have a pedicure with my mom and sister :)

Good night.

Counting My Blessings

Today I went back to work for the first time since Friday since I had the holiday weekend off. The patients I had today likely would have driven me bonkers had it been a "typical" day. However, the patient I had been caring for the majority of my shifts for months remains out of the hospital. As much as I like her (and her mom), caring for her is very hard work--physically, emotionally, mentally--and I was just counting my blessings that I was having the opportunity to take care of other patients besides her. Dealing with fussy babies whose parents weren't there with them all the time was actually less irritating than an always present parent who doesn't allow you to do your job...because that's how I chose to see things today.

I cried when I lost all the food from my fridge and over the fact that I didn't exactly want to spend any "spare" money on a new fridge. However, my parents went with me to the store last night to look at new ones (I was going to have a repair person come tomorrow, but the consensus was that it was likely the compressor which would cost nearly as much as a new one.) We looked and looked and found one that "accidentally" had two price tags. The lower one was supposed to be taken off a week ago, but wasn't. We went in search of a salesperson which typically isn't the case in that store and "happened" to find someone who could come check it out for us. I don't believe any of us realized she was the MANAGER until after she came back with a card telling me she would not only offer the lower price on that one, but she'd offer that same lower price on a fridge that usually was a couple hundred dollars more than the original one (and the kind I wanted...one with the freezer on the bottom). So, even though this was a very unfortunate circumstance, I'm choosing to count my blessings that I was able to get a good deal as well as an extended time period to pay it off interest-free.

I texted with the girls' mom today while I was at work, trying to convince her that the little one needs to go to pre-school and also that maybe she should bring her to the doctors' office to get her stitches removed (she told me last night she was going to take then out herself since she's a "pro") and get her 4-year check-up (she turned 4 in August). I could tell that she was starting to get a little "testy" with me even though we were texting, so I stopped, realizing that it is really her choice as to if I get to continue to have contact with the girls. I'm hoping that she takes some of what I say to heart, even if she never chooses to admit that to me...and make decisions that are best for her kids.

I have tickets to a show at the children's theater tomorrow night (I've lost track of how many shows we've seen!) I have tried to make a point to ask whether or not they want to come to these kinds of things, and the little one has been able to come every time I have asked. I never force the teen to come, but she doesn't usually skip (unless she knows my friend wants to come with her daughter too). On Monday, the teen wanted to know if I was off today since she wanted to hang out with a friend. She was bummed that I had to work, but I told her I was available tomorrow if she wanted to go somewhere. We texted yesterday and today and she first thought maybe they'd go to lunch, a movie, or dinner. I said I was up for whatever, just to let me know. She called at 10:00 to say she hadn't heard from him, so was going to say they weren't going to do anything tomorrow. She agreed to come to the show tomorrow night, but I asked her what time she wanted me to pick her up...any time between 11:30 and 6:15. She said she'd come hang out here for a while rather than me just picking them up for the show. So, I'm going to pick them up around 1 after having lunch with my sister, nephew, and grandma. It really warms my heart that, when given the choice to do whatever she wants, she is choosing to come hang out here.

There may be a lot of ups and downs going on around here, but tonight I'm choosing to count my blessings.

Good night.

Remembering Poppy Joy

Today is Poppy Joy's 4th birthday. Even though I don't really have contact with her mom (likely because she is now raising 3 kids and rarely blogs), I have not forgotten Poppy Joy or her legacy. Every time I hear the song that plays on her video (Amazing Grace-My Chains Are Gone by Chris Tomlin), I think about her. I'm re-posting the first birthday post I wrote about her. Even though it is somewhat disjointed, I think it shows how much she really meant to me then, and means to me now. I'm in a different "season" now and have grown and changed even more during the three years since I wrote that post. However, I am thankful for this "record" of where I have been and reminders of those who have touched my life in very special ways. (Here's a link to the post I wrote last year and the one I wrote in 2009.) So, today I am remembering Poppy Joy and her family in a very special way (as well as the families of all the babies I "met" during those months who left this world too soon but have left imprints on the hearts of those who were blessed to "know" them).


Remembering Poppy Joy
(Originally Posted December 1, 2008 at 10:26 AM)
I've actually been "planning" this post for weeks (I know, that could be a sign that I have some "blog issues", but this time I think it is "okay"!).

It is November 25 and I am going to see how far I get with what I want to write (I have already started crying and have only typed three sentences, so it may take me a few days!). The post eventually be set to publish on December 1 at 10:26 AM.

That day, that time, because one year ago, the world was blessed with the beautiful Poppy Joy . Not to be overly dramatic, but I do not think my life would be the way it is today without that day. So many things have happened this past year that I could not have imagined, and I honestly think it began with Poppy Joy .

Prior to that day, a year ago, I had posted 75 times on my blog. I had a couple blogs that I read regularly. If I remember correctly, I had found Emily through one of them and had been blessed by her words, but had not yet met her precious Miller Grace . I had stumbled upon a couple other stories of babies born with Trisomy 18, but for whatever reason didn't really "get it". I read a post or two and carried on...not forgetting them, but apparently, that wasn't "the right time". And then, I saw a prayer request posted in a comment on one of the blogs I was reading to go to http://poppyjoy.blogspot.com and pray for this family who was about to meet their baby girl. That memory is so vivid to me that I can almost see the words. And so, I prayed, and I visited. And a few days later, I watched this video.



Prior to that day, I had seen kids die. I had sat with grieving parents, held their hands, and cried with them. However, most of those kids passed away after fighting battles, many who seemed to have fought off death more times than could be counted. They endured so much that when it came to "the end" of their life here, it was hard to believe it had actually come to that. So, this was really my first experience witnessing the joy that comes with celebrating the minutes here rather than watching the minutes slip away...

(November 26) I had been in the presence of some very "faith-filled" people. I considered myself to be a person who had a good deal of faith. However, I don't think I had ever seen anything like what I saw in that video. Through the tears, I remember thinking "wow"..."wow" was all I could think because I'm not sure there are actual words to describe the feelings that came to me (even though I "re-watched" it yesterday, that didn't really help me find the words!) (November 27) This wasn't about watching Poppy Joy die, it was about seeing her LIVE. I had never witnessed anything like that, and clearly it left a permanent impression.

Of course, since I attended college in Texas, I noticed the sweet Southern accent and was "hooked" (just kidding, but that part did make the video "extra sweet" for me :o) ).

About six weeks later, I found an email from Angie in my inbox. Now, that memory isn't quite as vivid, but I think it would be safe to say that I was surprised...and probably cried (because, you know, I'm a "crier"). She had started their adoption paperwork, and I was taking the first steps to becoming a foster parent. She even wrote about "walking this road together". As it turns out, I moved quite a bit slower and they have Adrienne, but it still was really sweet of her to reach out to me like that. She also "randomly" emailed me in April while I was taking classes and was at a point where I needed a little reminder about why I was doing it. Angie quickly responded to questions I had about open adoption for a friend of mine, and about things to do in her part of the country when I found myself near there this summer. What a blessing!

And THEN, I was led to more precious babies and their families. Sweet, beautiful people who have reminded me time and again that moments, minutes, hours, and days matter, and should not be taken for granted. Some I learned from and they don't even know. Others I know would be there for me in a heartbeat if I ever asked for prayers. A couple have become more than "blog friends" (although "I'm still Amanda from the Blog"...ha ha, thanks Kristy !) All have blessed me in ways they will never fully know (although I sure did try with this post!)

Blessings upon blessings...Friendships, unexpected, maybe even unlikely...Stories I didn't know existed...Unwavering faith in times that easily could have brought despair and doubt...

(November 30) To think, it all began with a tiny, 5 pound 11 ounce girl named Poppy Joy who spent three hours on Earth one year ago. She lives on in all who who have been blessed to meet her and her precious family.

I have included dates in this post so maybe that will explain a little bit of the "disjointedness". I will admit that I had great expectations for this post considering it has been in "the works" in my head for weeks. I am not sure my words have been able to fully capture the magnitude of all that I am feeling in my heart. I suppose my heart knows even what my head is unable to tell my fingers to type and go with that!

I have been asked a time or two why I spend time reading "sad blogs" when I deal with sickness and death in the work that I do. It is hard to explain to people, but while there are definitely sad times, look how much I have learned! And I know for certain that my faith has grown stronger this past year and I wouldn't trade that for anything...

So, today, I am remembering Poppy Joy, thanking God for her life, and all the blessings that have happened because she lived. Prayers to her family, as they surely are missing her even more today.

I Did It!

I'm not sure why I sent out to write a blog post every day in November (I think it was "NaBloPoMo", but I actually have no idea what that means!) And, it was tough and any "readers" I have likely suffered through way too many "nonsense" posts, but I am hopeful that I also posted some good things this month. It was nice to have a goal that I stuck with and actually reached :) A lot of things happened this month. Even with there being "cancer all around", I have a lot to be grateful for. I got to spend time with the teen (on her birthday AND for nine days while her mom was gone) and with the little one(s). I had a really fun time with my 1000th post (you should check it out if you missed it ;) ) That's probably enough links, but November 2011 will be a month to remember...especially since I now have "record" of what was going on each and every day ;) I am so very blessed and think it will be fun to remember these times when years from now I wonder what I was doing "way back when".

Today was a super busy day at work and I get to go back tomorrow (remember, this is my passion and my purpose...and my plan...ha!) Good night.