Remembering and Celebrating

I know I need to make some time to write about how everything has been going around here, but today is not that day...at least not yet ;) It's been a year since Sara took her last breath. It was so awesome to see how many people had been changed by "knowing" her in the days leading up to her death and in the days that followed. Even now, you'll occasionally see an "@ gitzengirl" on twitter and people all over the world continue to Choose Joy in her honor and memory (some even have those words tattooed permanently...maybe I will some day ;) ) Although I never got my "face-to-face" or telephone chat, I am grateful for all the times we did "connect". I know she would be as happy as I am with how things have ended up with the teenager and I'm sure she'd say she was proud of me for "doing it again" with a new placement. Her family has kept her blog active, so if you haven't "met" Sara, today would be a good day. She was an amazing person who left behind quite a legacy. Choose Joy...today and every day.

Finding my Words (Originally Posted September 24, 2011)

Ever since I read the words on Sara's blog last Wednesday saying that hospice had been brought into her home and her days left here would be few, I have been trying to find my words. That post came two days after I found out that my foster daughters could go home and their days left here in my home would also be few.

Every time I thought maybe I'd be able to find the words, I'd read another beautiful post by one of her friends (like Alece, Mandy and Shannon). I bawled reading this post and even though I kept reminding myself that I just needed to speak from my heart and be myself, I just couldn't do it. Even though this post put into words how you can be so incredibly sad to lose someone that you've never actually "met" (thank you social media), I still struggled. I was thankful for the nearly 700 comments on that post last Wednesday and the well over 100 links on this post to help me not feel so crazy to feel this way about someone I never actually met. I know that my family and friends who live here would NEVER understand, but I'm so grateful to have friends who do.

Finally, I'm sitting in a quiet house with a Green Apple Smirnoff and going to attempt to find some words to share.

I was trying to remember when and how I first came to know Sara (Gitzen Girl). However, I really can't remember. I think either it's one of those things that happened that didn't seem significant at the time, but ended up being something much bigger or something so "fabulous" that I can't remember my life without her blog in it ;)

I did do a little "research" and it appears that the first post I wrote that mentioned her was in February of 2009 in this post. It appears that the first time I actually left a comment on her blog was that same month on this post which is actually a very funny "Flashback Friday" about when she had someone get her chicken on a Friday during Lent since it "wasn't meat"...one of the many reasons people love Sara :)

The month after that, Sara was doing something called "Hump Day Giveaways" which again is super funny because who doesn't enjoy saying "Hump Day Giveaway"?! ;) I left a comment on this post, found out the following day I was a winner, and wrote a rather boastful post on my blog to celebrate. That canvas now hangs in my kitchen and it is a gift I will treasure forever.


In April 2010, I wrote about "bringing Sara" to Holy Week services with me and how that made it that much more special (FYI the rest of that post is really boring and all over the place, but I did write about that ;) ) Knowing Sara and her "circumstances" definitely helped change my views on a lot of things...I open the windows more, I play in the rain more, take more time to look at flowers and listen to nature, and hope I take less of my life and its blessings for granted.


In June 2010, I was completely "star struck" after being included in Gitz Bits (I sent her "Glee Gum") and had begun to refer to myself as a "Gitzen Girl Groupie" (or THE Gitzen Girl Groupie...excuse me ;) ) That was the month I became a foster parent and I was on the receiving end of many prayers and much love and support in that decision and the journey that followed.

The following month, Sara's dad died suddenly and I wrote in this (very long) post that I had read it while I was at work and was so sad for her, especially since she was unable to really be with her whole family during that time. A month or two ago, I shared with her that she and her parents were in one of my dreams. I wish I could get my twitter feed back that far since I don't remember everything, but I remember making some kind of comment to her dad about "checking out early" and he had some kind of sarcastic remark since obviously mine was a bit out of line...she told me that was the kind of response I would have gotten from him. There was more in that dream that I can't remember now, but I am glad I was able to share some of it with her.


In September, 2010, the "little one" (my then 3-year-old foster daughter) and I found this video.



I can't even tell you how many times we watched it or how many nights in a row she asked to "see Sara". I've watched it a few times this past week too because I have also wanted to "see Sara". This is the closest I ever really came to "seeing" her. We made plans to Skype a few times last fall, but it never worked out with her health/our schedules. Last September was the first time I remember telling her that "for real" seeing and/or talking to her was on my "Bucket List"...she laughed and/or made fun of me every time I said it (her exact words in a tweet were "oh my word, I'm not bucket list material, woman! Riley, maybe :)" ) The last tweet I could find from her was about six weeks ago before Jessica's visit. She was SO excited about that visit and I told her I was jealous of Jessica (no offense...she responded that I was jealous of the wrong person!) I reminded her of my "Bucket List" and she responded "we'll get that checked off someday, girl. then you can aim higher :)" Totally Sara :)

In October 2010, I participated in my first (and only) "Take Five Friday" and in December, I linked up to my one (and only) "You: Create" link-up. I was inspired to make a canvas for my teenage foster daughter's 16th birthday. Sara helped me figure out what to put on it by suggesting song lyrics. I decided to use lyrics from Lady Antebellum's song "I Was Here"--"I know it's my destiny to leave more than a trace of myself in this place." Those are some powerful words and I definitely know Sara is leaving WAY more than a trace of herself in this place.

I'm not sure why my "research" didn't find any posts from 2011, but I think it's because 2011 had more "tweets" and blog comments exchanged than anything else. Sara may have been a "big name blogger", but she had a way of making everyone feel like they were the most important person in the world to her. She prayed for you, she rejoiced with you, she cried with you, she was a cheerleader and a devoted friend and family member. In response to a comment I left on one of her (in)courage posts back in May, she told me "hi, sweet girl. you are doing such an amazing with those girls, and I know they will treasure these memories just as much as you do. much love!" That was written just a few days before I thought the girls were going home. Now, as I am just days away of them "for real" going home, they are exactly the words I need to hear. That is Sara...one of the many things about her that will be missed...

Hopefully my struggle to find my words wasn't too painful for anyone else to read, but this blog has always been for me and I want to remember this. It is a little "linky crazy", but at least all (or most) of my "Sara posts" will be in one place whenever I need a reminder to "Choose Joy". Sara is more precious to me than words can say. I regret that there are cards I bought for her that never were sent. I wish I really would have hopped in my car one day and drove to see her (honestly, I was more afraid of any "funky stuff" that I carried on me from being a pediatric nurse than afraid of being seen as a "crazy lady" for randomly showing up on her doorstep!) I'm not sure Sara ever could have met a stranger who didn't soon become her friend...and that is why there are "strangers" all over the world grieving over the fact that this world is losing an amazing person while also celebrating that in Heaven she will be free of the pain she faced on this Earth. Sara, you will be missed, but know that your legacy will live on in each and every person who has read your words, heard your story, been on the receiving end of a tweet/email/blog comment, etc. Who knew that a farm girl from Iowa who couldn't leave her condo could do so much good...only God...and I am SO very blessed that God chose me to be a part of it too. Thank you Sara. And, if any of her family happens upon this post...thanks for sharing Sara with all of us...my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.


Update: Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this post, drinking the last sip of my Green Apple Smirnoff, Sara was taking her last breath. I woke up at 6:00 this morning to get ready for work and saw the posts on twitter. I haven't exactly had time to process since I need to leave for work very shortly, but will be praying for her family and all who love her. I found a scrub top to wear to work that has hearts and stars and the words "Love", "Peace", and "Joy"...I will remember to "Choose Joy".


Also, if you clicked here from Jessica's site and were curious about the red square thumbnail...well, it was supposed to be this--a picture (from my phone) of my canvas on the wall in my kitchen. However, I obviously had some major technological difficulties and had no clue how to fix it ;)

Remembering Poppy Joy

Today is Poppy Joy's 4th birthday. Even though I don't really have contact with her mom (likely because she is now raising 3 kids and rarely blogs), I have not forgotten Poppy Joy or her legacy. Every time I hear the song that plays on her video (Amazing Grace-My Chains Are Gone by Chris Tomlin), I think about her. I'm re-posting the first birthday post I wrote about her. Even though it is somewhat disjointed, I think it shows how much she really meant to me then, and means to me now. I'm in a different "season" now and have grown and changed even more during the three years since I wrote that post. However, I am thankful for this "record" of where I have been and reminders of those who have touched my life in very special ways. (Here's a link to the post I wrote last year and the one I wrote in 2009.) So, today I am remembering Poppy Joy and her family in a very special way (as well as the families of all the babies I "met" during those months who left this world too soon but have left imprints on the hearts of those who were blessed to "know" them).


Remembering Poppy Joy
(Originally Posted December 1, 2008 at 10:26 AM)
I've actually been "planning" this post for weeks (I know, that could be a sign that I have some "blog issues", but this time I think it is "okay"!).

It is November 25 and I am going to see how far I get with what I want to write (I have already started crying and have only typed three sentences, so it may take me a few days!). The post eventually be set to publish on December 1 at 10:26 AM.

That day, that time, because one year ago, the world was blessed with the beautiful Poppy Joy . Not to be overly dramatic, but I do not think my life would be the way it is today without that day. So many things have happened this past year that I could not have imagined, and I honestly think it began with Poppy Joy .

Prior to that day, a year ago, I had posted 75 times on my blog. I had a couple blogs that I read regularly. If I remember correctly, I had found Emily through one of them and had been blessed by her words, but had not yet met her precious Miller Grace . I had stumbled upon a couple other stories of babies born with Trisomy 18, but for whatever reason didn't really "get it". I read a post or two and carried on...not forgetting them, but apparently, that wasn't "the right time". And then, I saw a prayer request posted in a comment on one of the blogs I was reading to go to http://poppyjoy.blogspot.com and pray for this family who was about to meet their baby girl. That memory is so vivid to me that I can almost see the words. And so, I prayed, and I visited. And a few days later, I watched this video.



Prior to that day, I had seen kids die. I had sat with grieving parents, held their hands, and cried with them. However, most of those kids passed away after fighting battles, many who seemed to have fought off death more times than could be counted. They endured so much that when it came to "the end" of their life here, it was hard to believe it had actually come to that. So, this was really my first experience witnessing the joy that comes with celebrating the minutes here rather than watching the minutes slip away...

(November 26) I had been in the presence of some very "faith-filled" people. I considered myself to be a person who had a good deal of faith. However, I don't think I had ever seen anything like what I saw in that video. Through the tears, I remember thinking "wow"..."wow" was all I could think because I'm not sure there are actual words to describe the feelings that came to me (even though I "re-watched" it yesterday, that didn't really help me find the words!) (November 27) This wasn't about watching Poppy Joy die, it was about seeing her LIVE. I had never witnessed anything like that, and clearly it left a permanent impression.

Of course, since I attended college in Texas, I noticed the sweet Southern accent and was "hooked" (just kidding, but that part did make the video "extra sweet" for me :o) ).

About six weeks later, I found an email from Angie in my inbox. Now, that memory isn't quite as vivid, but I think it would be safe to say that I was surprised...and probably cried (because, you know, I'm a "crier"). She had started their adoption paperwork, and I was taking the first steps to becoming a foster parent. She even wrote about "walking this road together". As it turns out, I moved quite a bit slower and they have Adrienne, but it still was really sweet of her to reach out to me like that. She also "randomly" emailed me in April while I was taking classes and was at a point where I needed a little reminder about why I was doing it. Angie quickly responded to questions I had about open adoption for a friend of mine, and about things to do in her part of the country when I found myself near there this summer. What a blessing!

And THEN, I was led to more precious babies and their families. Sweet, beautiful people who have reminded me time and again that moments, minutes, hours, and days matter, and should not be taken for granted. Some I learned from and they don't even know. Others I know would be there for me in a heartbeat if I ever asked for prayers. A couple have become more than "blog friends" (although "I'm still Amanda from the Blog"...ha ha, thanks Kristy !) All have blessed me in ways they will never fully know (although I sure did try with this post!)

Blessings upon blessings...Friendships, unexpected, maybe even unlikely...Stories I didn't know existed...Unwavering faith in times that easily could have brought despair and doubt...

(November 30) To think, it all began with a tiny, 5 pound 11 ounce girl named Poppy Joy who spent three hours on Earth one year ago. She lives on in all who who have been blessed to meet her and her precious family.

I have included dates in this post so maybe that will explain a little bit of the "disjointedness". I will admit that I had great expectations for this post considering it has been in "the works" in my head for weeks. I am not sure my words have been able to fully capture the magnitude of all that I am feeling in my heart. I suppose my heart knows even what my head is unable to tell my fingers to type and go with that!

I have been asked a time or two why I spend time reading "sad blogs" when I deal with sickness and death in the work that I do. It is hard to explain to people, but while there are definitely sad times, look how much I have learned! And I know for certain that my faith has grown stronger this past year and I wouldn't trade that for anything...

So, today, I am remembering Poppy Joy, thanking God for her life, and all the blessings that have happened because she lived. Prayers to her family, as they surely are missing her even more today.

Flashback (I Know it's Saturday)-One Year Ago

Today was pretty "full" with my aunt coming this morning to help me rake (she has come over MANY times to help me with the yard and house stuff and I'm so grateful for that) and then going to a baby shower for my "fantasy baseball" and  "fantasy football" partner along with my mom and sister. After that, I came home and was kind of "bored" since I didn't feel like doing any of the things I ought to have been doing (I did pay bills though!) I could be a good little blogger and make this a short and sweet post, but that isn't me, now is it?! ;) I clicked on the link to this post in the "Posts you may like" and discovered it was written a year ago yesterday (that would have been a nice Flashback Friday post, but it's my blog, so I can do Flashback Saturday ;) ) Also, I found a link to this post that mentioned I had met a really nice guy...that was kind of sad because things did not end well with that :( I'll have to take some time to write about that in a future post. So, here's my "flashback":

Thankful for the Girls
Originally posted November 25, 2010
This year, I am especially thankful for these girls that God brought into my life. They have taught me so much, and my life is truly changed for the better because they are in it. I am also thankful for my family who has helped me SO much in making being a foster mom to these girls possible. They are flexible and patient and understanding. They are there when all I can do is cry (or scream in frustration of "the system" and how things are).


Yesterday was particularly rough since the teen was off school and I figured the girls would spend the day with their family. I hadn't talked to their mom since Sunday, and she talked (VERY) briefly to the teen on Tuesday, her 16th birthday. Yesterday, the 24th, apparently is the day the whole family gets together to celebrate the teen's birthday, her brothers birthday, and her grandma's birthday (both of theirs are on the 24th). I heard NOTHING from the mom regarding the party plans...and the only contact the girls had with their family yesterday was when the teen called to wish her brother and her grandma happy birthday. The siblings were with the mom, and here we were at home...


I seriously cried intermittently throughout the day because I was SO sad for these girls. The little one didn't really have a clue, although she did know it was her brother's birthday and they were not at a party for him. The teen takes things all in stride and seriously amazes me with her strength (I couldn't hold myself together, but don't think she actually saw me crying.)


Instead of moping around all day (since the girls definitely were not!), I decided we would get out my Christmas decorations and "make Christmas" as the little one said. There have been (too many) years that I we didn't put up a tree and I was looking forward to doing this with them. Granted, I didn't want it to be for this reason, but we were all at home and it worked.


The teen helped me rearrange furniture in the living room so we could put up the "big tree". Then, she decorated a little tree for their room. We have another tree that will go up in the basement, but she was all decorated out.


I suppose it is fitting that my previous post was about being thankful for thorns because we definitely had to make the most of a day that wasn't the way it was "supposed" to be.

My stomach was churning just wondering if the girls would be spending Thanksgiving with their family or not. I was in the shower at 8:25 AM when the girls' mom called to say she was on her way to get them. The girls were sound asleep, but got ready in time for their 9:00 AM pick-up. She's apparently a really crappy planner/communicator, but at least they will be with their family. I'm looking forward to spending it with mine.

A lot has happened since then. Their mom is still pretty unreliable, but the girls are happy and I'm thankful that she still allows us to have contact. Tomorrow, the girls (hopefully both girls) are coming with me to a hockey game. I'm really excited, especially since I haven't seen the little one in over a month. I think it's going to be hard to put up my Christmas stuff this year (last year was the first year I went "all out" in a while) without anyone else here to enjoy it with me, but I will at least make myself put up a tree...and will post a picture as proof when I do ;)

Good night.

Flashback Friday-Friendship

This week, I've been thinking a lot about "friends" and "friendship". I've found myself "tweeting" the word "friend" quite often these days and it reminded me of this post I wrote a couple years ago. I may have already "Flashback Friday-ed" it or reposted it at some point, but I really like the poem and the song, so here it is again. I wrote it right before meeting up with Ginger, my first "Internet friend-turned-real-life-friend" that I met in person. I am grateful for ALL of my friends and all they have taught me and continue to teach me, for loving me and shaping me into the person I am today.


Hopefully one of these days I'll have time to type out a real post, but for now, here's a little flashback.

What is a Friend?
Originally posted May 29, 2009

A friend is one of the nicest things you can have,
and one of the best things you can be.
A friend is the one who will always be beside you,
through all the laughter, and through each and every tear.
A friend is the one thing you can always rely on;
the someone you can always open up to.
A friend is a sanctuary.
A friend is a smile.
A friend is a hand that is always holding yours,
no matter where you are.
A friend is a feeling of forever in the heart.
~Collin McCarty

I have been thinking a lot about friends recently, and have been waiting for just the right moment to post this poem. I have decided to leave my lap top at home for this vacation, and am planning to set this entry to post right around the time I meet up with Ginger and Lauren.

Friends have kind of been a funny thing in my life. In elementary school, I went through a couple "best friends", but mostly I was friends with everyone (which, unfortunately, did not really translate to getting invited to the "cool parties") In high school, I was fortunate to have a couple "best friends" with whom I remain very close. (Remember, our very own "fifteen feet of fun"?!) But again, friends with everyone was kind of "my thing" and that pretty much continued through college. I am still friends with one member of "AMEALAKA" :o)

I had coffee today with a friend I have known since I baby-sat her kids who are now 14 and 18. She and I talked for over three hours and it was AWESOME! And, in total "un-randomness", I stopped by Target on the way home to pick up a couple things and ran into my friend (totally unflattering picture of us here) who was in town from a state away as her son is evaluated for a second transplant. They actually were stopping by Target on their way out of town, so it was GREAT to get to see her! Of course, I have my friend that I met on the beach when we were ten. There are friends I have met through work, through church, through school, and yes through this here blog (I was going to link to that, but you are already here!)

I have friends from coast to coast, from north to south, from small towns to big cities. I have friends with families, and friends who are single or do not yet have children. I have a few friends who have had the basically "drama-free" life that I have been privileged to experience, and many who have endured the darkest times I hardly knew existed.

There are friends who came to me in ways I never could have imagined, and those who arrived when I needed them the most. Friends who make me laugh. Friends who put life in perspective. Friends who encourage. Friends who have so much faith in God even when life has given them so many reasons to stop trusting Him. Friends who let me be who I am and are okay with that. Friends who listen. Friends who always have words of wisdom. Friends of all shapes and sizes, from all economical, family, and religious backgrounds. Friends of all different ages. (For living a pretty "sheltered" life, I do have a rather diverse group of friends and I LOVE that!)

I have lived alone long enough and gone places alone more times than I can count. However, to say that I do not have jitters going into this weekend would be a lie (and, if you have read this blog long enough, you know that I not only have troubles keeping secrets, lying is definitely not something I even attempt because it would not be successful!) I don't remember my first day of kindergarten, but I imagine this is what it may have felt like. I am SO excited and know that there will be open arms and great people waiting for me in that airport, but my hands still shake as I think about this "plan" becoming a reality in a few short hours (probably should start packing since my ride is coming in six hours!)

I will close this post on friendship with the lyrics to a song I absolutely adore. I have listened to it SO many times and it still brings tears to my eyes (not ALL the time now, but SOMETIMES!) It is from the musical Wicked.

(Elphaba):
I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda):
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda):
Because I knew you

(Both):
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda):
And because I knew you...

(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...

(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

Thank you for being my friend. I know that because of you, I have been changed for good...and am looking foward to MUCH more of that when I return from my vacation (one of these days I WILL have to return to work...ha ha!)

Flashback Friday--Revisiting a Rough Time

Sara (Gitzen Girl) often did "Flashback Friday" posts. I've been thinking about her a lot (and missing her posts...I actually re-read one of her posts before I started writing this one because I had blogged that it really touched me), so thought it fitting to write a "Flashback Friday" this week. The other day, I was "flipping" through some of my old posts and came upon this one. I actually called in sick to work two days later because I could not stop crying and started seeing my current therapist.


One of the things I really like about having an "online journal" is that it is a fairly easy way for me to go back and read about different times in my life. I like remembering the fun times and looking at pictures, but also remembering rough patches and how I was able to work through them. I learn a lot by talking to other people and listening to their stories, but I think it is also good to learn from myself.


It was interesting to me that I still struggle with some of the things I wrote about here, but I have made a lot of progress and have learned a lot about myself during these past two years and two months. Although I am in a much better place now, I am thankful that I "happened" upon this post as a reminder of how far I have come. Warning: It's a long one (as nearly all of my posts are!)

Broken Point 
(originally written September 2, 2009)

I held in (most of) my tears until I was driving home from the horse races. As the tears fell, I was thinking about what to title this post. There have been posts swirling in my head just trying to come out, but for whatever reason that has not happened. "Broken Point" seemed to fit I guess, because that's how I feel...

I began sobbing while doing the simple task of washing my hands. As I sobbed and splashed water on my face, I thought to myself "What would I say in response to someone who asked what was wrong?" "Nothing?", "Everything?" "What do you want?" "Well, probably exactly what I have right now." "Why the tears then?" "I don't know, I just don't know, but they just won't stop."


I cried so hard I became physically ill. What the H-E-double hockey sticks is the matter with me?! While the tears still fall, I'm definitely going to make sure I don't throw up again...sheesh. (Well, it seems at this point I may have run out of tears for the time being, but who knows how long that will last...)

Again, where in the world is this all coming from?! Not sure I will ever know for sure, but this "blog" was created for my journal and at this point, I think journalling is the only thing that could possibly help right now.

Thinking I may need to do a little "rewind"...I think this has all been "stewing" for a while and it was only a matter of time before "it" hit the fan.

Not sure if my "meltdowns" began just prior to this post which displayed my ticking biological clock, but looking back, it could have been stewing way back when I was experiencing the drought. In either case, I may have let things go a little too long.

On the 27th, I wanted to write a post titled "He Called". (I wrote this post and this one instead!) I burst into tears as I told Ginger that the guy I went on a "double date" with called me and invited me to a movie. While she made me giggle with questions of his five heads and probation, there was still the question of "Why?" Why was it so much easier for me to take if he went on the "short list" of guys who went out with me once and never called back (of course, my "lovely" friend from Curves pointed out that we haven't technically gone on a "date", so it isn't until we do that and he calls again that he can be taken off that "short list") But, really it was easier that way. You would think that maybe I would be beating myself up wondering why he wouldn't want to hang out with me, was I not "cool" enough, "pretty" enough, "smart" enough, "fun" enough...but, those thoughts never really crossed my mind. In fact, I found it kind of funny to have that kind of track record. It was the fact that he DID want to hang out with me again that bothered me more. That isn't the first time that I have wondered WHY people like me, why people like the "Chicago girls" honestly wanted to see me and hang out with me again. (Gosh darn these tears!) I DO feel like I have a lot of friends, so why the insecurity? Why the tears? Why do I not feel "worthy" of that?

I DID call him back, which led me to want to write a post called "Making Time". The next day that I had nothing planned was like 2 weeks away (I still haven't "committed" to doing something with him that day...) I was thinking that "time" was a lot like "money". You can learn to do a lot with a little, but only if you choose to do so. You can make the most of the time that you have--whether that be time with your family, your friends, your significant other--whether it is a telephone call, coffee every other month, or scheduled "us" time. If you REALLY want something to happen, there will be a way to make it work...it could be a simple fix like cutting out an hour of television, or a bigger "sacrifice", but if it is truly important, it is possible. I think the same can be said about money, although I have been fortunate not to have to "pinch pennies" all the time, but I like using coupons, buying things on sale, traveling with free airline tickets to places where I have family and friends, eating dinner with my parents... So, I'm thinking that if it is important for me to hang out with him (or any other guy), then I will have to make time--it will have to be important to me...

Writing this post, while feeling thankful, also brought the idea for a post called either "Fine Line" or "Slippery Slope". I love that I am in a position where I can be there to help those "in need" on many different levels. There are some big, and MANY little things that I have found great joy in doing for the special people in my life (and those "special people" who grace my life for just a moment but feel "touched" by me just being me). But, is being one who ministers to the needy different than having the desire to feel "needed"? I have struggled a lot since this concept first came to fruition. In my mind, I want to think that my heart was just made to love other people and to bring out the best in them (yeah, just a little bit ENFJ!), doing little things that mean much, paying attention to details, being an "information gatherer", trying to make each person I meet feel like they are special...but, what if it is a selfish facade boosting my "likability"... Of course, I know that I truly care about other people and their feelings, but I can't help but wonder if I am more selfish than it appears...or than I know. And maybe those two concepts aren't as different as they seem.

During the past seven days (Thursday-Wednesday), I worked FIVE twelve-hour shifts. Friday, I painted after I went to the eye doctor before I went to dinner and a movie. Yesterday, I went shopping, baby-sat, and went to a movie. I already wrote about the exhaustion after the three shifts that ended on Monday night. It never crossed my mind that today could be WORSE than those ones. Of course, my first tears fell before I even had breakfast, so I should have known it was going to be tough. I nearly took the offer to stay at home, but knew that if I went to work today, I could "finish up" all that work I did over the weekend when I worked with the same family I did over the weekend (I was teased for being "stupid" and "throwing myself under the bus", but I tend to gravitate toward the "challenges"...should have known that my energy for dealing with such things was nearly shot.) Here is where my ego sneaks in...I KNOW that I was the best nurse to deal with this family. On the report sheet, the mom was listed as "cooky", but she LOVED me, and I knew how to handle her, well "cooky-ness". I was pretty much zapped even before I got a new highly demanding (emotionally, physically, psychologically) patient/family. I didn't have much left. I was nearly breaking, but managed to hold back the tears. No crying at work. No crying at work. (That mantra doesn't always work.) I was dropping curse words here and there and my normally super-positive attitude was going South, and heading there fast.

I hate feeling like that.

I clocked out at 7:40...just over 12 1/2 hours since my shift began and I couldn't get out of there fast enough.(Everyone was kind of in the same boat...when you have a 19 bed unit and get 10 new patients in a five-hour period with seven nurses, that makes for a pretty crazy time. I did leave before some of them.)

My dad went to the horse races and I decided to meet him there because I have no food at home anyway (haven't had any time to go to the store!) I wiped away tears the entire way there.

A friend shared a "secret" with me. One that I am very honored she chose me to share it with. In that moment though, all I could do was cry (well, hold back tears anyway since I was in a public place). How terrible is that?! Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad...no matter how you put it, I suppose I can just be thankful she didn't have to listen to my sobbing (or see me trying to stop my quivering bottom lip) in "her moment". Drowning in my sorrows (whatever those "sorrows" are) when this was obviously a special time. Who does that?! I feel like such a traitor, or a counterfeit, or something else really not good.
It is nearly midnight now. And, the tears have briefly stopped, but I know this is not the end of this. I have 10 policies and procedures that need to be reviewed before my meeting at 9:30. I haven't been able to make progress on my kitchen painting project since 8:00 seems too late to start painting when the alarm clock goes off at 5:30. I work again on Friday and Saturday, so it would be nice for this "funk" to pass, but I'm not sure I should hold my breath. But, I should probably get some sleep since I am feeling tapped out and sleep is great fuel :o)

Broken...but only to a Point...this too shall pass...I can get through "this", whatever "this" is... I may have reached my breaking point, but not broken beyond repair.

I've been listening to my new Selah CD and LOVE it. Of course, I find myself crying at songs a lot recently. But, I heard this one on a blog before I listened to it on my CD and not only are their voices beautiful, but the lyrics are too. It may not EXACTLY fit what's going on here in this very long and likely scattered post, but it is on my mind, so I will post the lyrics and hopefully the video as well.

Unredeemed

The cruelest words, the coldest heart
The deepest wounds, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter nights, the wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are

[Chorus]
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see it will not be
Unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all …

[Chorus]

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But you never know the miracles the Father has in store
Just watch and see it will not be
Just watch and see it will not be

Eight Months

Eight months ago, the girls spent their first night here. Tonight, they are spending the second night at their mom's for their first planned overnight visit weekend. Re-reading posts from the first night/month they were here was probably not the best way to not be upset about the empty house! However, I went out last night, worked a 12-hour shift today, (drank a "Berry beer"), and work another 12-hour shift, so that has helped me not feel quite so lonely (plus, it's barely after 10 and I'm hoping I type fast because I'm about to fall asleep!) I'm thankful that not only am I working this weekend, but I also work two weekends from now when they are next scheduled to spend the weekend there. Next weekend, I'm off and the teen has been talking about an event she'd like to attend on Sunday for over a month, so I'm glad I'll be able to take her :)

This week was filled with lots of "talking it out". I feel like I'll talk to anyone who will listen and am getting a lot of free therapy (much needed and appreciated!) Monday, I met with the doctor about my PCOD and she got an earful (I'm sure she wasn't expecting that!), and later met with my counselor (LOVE her!) Tuesday, I talked to the teen's counselor and also to the agency caseworker. Wednesday, I worked and talked to the mom of one of our chronically ill patients about the transition, general parenting, the challenges both of us have faced, etc. Nothing like a captive audience ;) (Plus, I'm pretty sure she enjoyed talking about something OTHER than her sick child!). Thursday, I had lunch with a friend I've known since junior high (I used to baby-sit her kids and now they are 15 and 19!), but haven't seen in a very long time. Yesterday, I met with my Spiritual Director and had dinner/drinks with a high school friend I also hadn't seen in months. Today, I had a faith conversation with the mom of one of our cancer patients who apparently was just diagnosed with breast cancer (she's my age, her son is 4 and already went through one round of treatment, but the cancer came back...yeah, totally sucks!)

That is lots and lots of talking!

Talking is good, but I'm going to try and make myself spend some time in the quiet.

It appears there is going to be a bit more quiet around here, but it will take a conscious effort for me to actually keep it quiet and free from distractions, at least for a few minutes each day.

I really realized it yesterday as we were beginning my meeting with the Spiritual Director. I was thinking that maybe balancing out my hormones and practicing mind over matter helped the tears disappear for a while. Then, we quieted ourselves and as soon as she began to speak, the tears began to fall, dripping through my closed eyes as I listened to her softly spoken words, the only sound in the quiet room. It hit me then that I need to create some quiet. I am very good at avoiding the tough stuff (although maybe not as good as the teen!) and keeping a super busy schedule leaves little time to actually think about what is happening in and around me.

I purchased the new "bloom book club" book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, and just started reading it. On page 21, she writes "'...maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds'...There's a reason I am not writing the story and God is. He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means..." I haven't written about it yet, but I'm "pretty sure" that my word for 2011 is "Trust" (I ought to choose "Commit"...ha!)  Spending time reading this book in my "quiet time" is something I need to/want to do.

After eight months, it is weird to be "alone" in my house, even though I lived for years this way. I am glad that I am almost too tired to miss them that much, but I do miss them (I actually missed them more during the day thinking about them not being here when I got home than once I really got home.) I knew eight months ago that it would be "temporary", but from the sounds of that first post, I also knew that I would love them...and the end of this "season" would be hard no matter how long it lasted (I still have no clue how long it will be!)

Well, I suppose I should get some sleep, since it's back to work (taking care of two kids with cancer plus another chronically sick child) and then picking up the girls. I have no clue what I will be picking up because this is a different "routine" for them too. I'll need a bit of extra energy to make it through, so...

Good night.

Flashback Friday--Forgotten "Fotos"

Even though I'm tired and have a headache, I wanted to post because I was a little "whiny" in yesterday's post. In looking at the schedule today at work, I foresee more days off without pay, but am trusting that things will work out the way they are "supposed" to. I will likely have to make some lifestyle changes (at least temporarily), but at least I have a job, a house, a car, my family...

I'm glad I came up with this "Flashback Friday" idea last night because it (maybe) will help me keep it short. The other day when I was "cleaning" my bedroom, I found a memory card for my camera. I had no idea what was on it until I went to upload pictures tonight. I decided to choose photos #10, 22, and 79 for my birth date. I was definitely hoping none of those would be terribly unflattering pictures of me that didn't get deleted! The card contained one picture from 2007 and the rest from the first six months of 2008. So, here goes:

Photo #10 is a picture of me at the beach in California February 2008. We were at Laguna Beach where I first met my girl friend when we were ten. We have remained friends since then :)

Photo #22 is a not-so-flattering-but-not-too-terrible picture of me from my cousin's birthday in March 2008. (And, apparently the first time I wrote about this, I didn't think it was THAT bad of a picture since I went ahead and posted it!)

Photo #79 is from May 2008. It is of "the baby" right after they removed him from dialysis for the first time post-transplant. I can't believe how little he is (and how sick he still looks in this picture even though he looks a TON better than he did!) because he is just five months away from being a THREE year old!

Tonight, I admitted a baby for transplant. My heart just broke for these parents who actually had never set foot on my floor before today (to my knowledge). There is lots of hustle and bustle during that pre-transplant phase with labs and tests and IVs without even taking into the account the emotional toll that "call" has to take (and all questions they have to answer for our paperwork!) Thankfully, we were able to get the things we needed to do TO the child done quickly so they were able to spend some time with the baby before the organs got there. We explained that this was part of the reason we did everything all at once (even though the poor baby OBVIOUSLY didn't like all the poking and prodding!), so I think they understood. I can't wait to see that baby in a few days after the "new parts" are working :)

Time for bed...I stayed up WAY too late to work a 12-hour shift!
Good night.

Edited to add--this was the "quote of the day": "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." ~Mohandas Gandhi
I used "Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today" as the beginning quote to my college applications, but have never heard this version. I like it :)

Somewhere Down the Road

I pre-ordered Amy Grant's new CD months ago. It was released last Tuesday. I got it in the mail today...go figure.

Somewhere Down the Road
~Amy Grant
So much pain and no good reason why. You've cried until the tears run dry and nothing here can make you understand. The one thing that you held so dear is slipping from your hands and you say "Why, why, why does it go this way? Why, why, why?" And all that I can say is...

Somewhere down the road there'll be answers to the questions. Somewhere down the road though we cannot see it now. Somewhere down the road you will find mighty arms reaching for you and they will hold the answers at the end of the road.

Yesterday I thought I'd seen it all. I thought I'd climbed the highest wall. Now I see the learning never ends and all I know to do is keep on walking, walking round the bend, saying "Why, why, why does it go this way? Why, why, why?" And all I can say is, all I know to say now...

This picture was taken July 1, 1998. My mom and I had made plans to go see Amy Grant in concert. There were contests on the radio that week for backstage passes and seating in the first couple rows. It was the summer before I started college and I must not have been busy that week because I tried multiple times to win. I ended up getting through in a contest that required you to talk for 30 seconds (I think it had to be about Amy Grant) without any long pauses, ums, or ahs. The people ahead of me got "dinged" so it was my turn. I actually didn't know a whole lot about Amy Grant, so I rattled off songs of hers that I knew to take up time. I almost got "dinged" because I said "like" a lot, but they let it slide and I won! I don't throw ANYTHING away so I probably have the tape somewhere! It was so much fun to go backstage and meet her. She was super sweet and spent time with EVERYONE without seeming rushed at all.

Then, I went to college and attended a couple Christmas concerts with my aunt (since I accidentally bought TWO CD's, I'm going to send a copy to her since today was her [50th!] birthday). That first year, I also joined a "fan club"/"chat room" which ended up teaching me some tough lessons...and let me to write this post about "blogging" and the hesitation I still have sometimes in regards to being a "blogger".

I'm listening to the new CD for the first time :o) I really love music and lyrics (obviously! I post them all the time!) because they are often able to say what is in my heart, or put things into perspective, or are just fun to sing :o) I wanted to post this vidoe of "Better Than a Hallelujah", but it wouldn't let me so here's the link=> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nMvvoXa9Yk

The song playing now has the refrain "Cause there's so much good in the worst of us, so much bad in the best of us. It never makes sense for any of us to criticize the rest of us. We'll just find what we're looking for, we'll find it and so much more."

I had four days off over Easter and it was such a blessing to be able to attend all the Easter services. I also enjoyed spending time with my family. And, to make things even better, I didn't think about work except when people asked me about it. I love my work so much, but it was nice to have a little mental break. I was irritated about a lot of things last week, but it was great to not feel stressed about work (Even though I still need to write an annual report from the past year or two some time this week, I did not worry about it over Easter.) I did take a couple cute pictures of my nephew this weekend...he is getting so big, crawling and pulling to stand and getting into things :o) I'll have to upload them soon and post a couple (my mom has the family pictures on her camera though...darn!)

Since I was already using my scanner, I decided to scan this picture I found of me with my former teacher from June 2006. Both this picture and the one I posted here were included in my high school magazine, which is really special.

I worked today, but my student took two of our patients. I'm amazed at these students who are put with me for their preceptorship. Seriously, I was an "A" student in high school (3rd in my class, 32 on the ACT...) and actually mostly a "B" student in college...my last semester, though, I was ready to be done and only halfheartedly made attempts to do a good job in my classes/clinicals. These students, though, they come ready to learn and work hard...AMAZING! I don't work again until Saturday, but put myself down as wanting the day off if possible so I can do to a wedding shower. My friend/fantasy football/baseball partner has her wedding shower that day and I will be out of town for the wedding, so it would be nice to go if possible. I actually have two days this week where my calendar is BLANK! I'm not sure I know what to do with a blank calendar, so I'm going to have to make some lists when I get up in the morning to stay focused! Of course, there is no telling WHAT could come up...I thought about painting my bathroom, but I'm REALLY short and I have to figure out if standing on a ladder in the bathtub can be "safe" before attempting that. I could also try and tackle my scrapbooking room/office :o) I'm also thinking going on a run (or walk!) would be nice if the weather is good. LOTS of options!

Well, time for bed...I hear there might be thunderstorms which is PERFECT sleeping weather for me :o)
Good night.

I Had a Hunch

It's been a busy couple of days and I head back to work tomorrow, but felt the need to write a few words before going to bed.

With as much fun as I had at work on Sunday and Monday, I had a hunch things would be changing. It had been a really long time since I had to take care of a full patient load. I think my student was with me for three weeks and we had relatively easy patients, and sometimes not even a full load because our census was so low. I'm not sure what it was about Wednesday because it really SHOULDN'T have been that bad, but it was almost like my first day and it was not good at all. I'm not sure what happened, but early in the afternoon, I completely melted down and just started crying. I was on the phone with the pharmacist frustrated because a particular medication was delivered differently. I had had a mis-communication with the nursing assistant and she had NOT been helping me watch my post-op patient's elevated blood pressure. I was late giving meds and of COURSE that's when my computer froze and I had to call IT to get it working again before I could give them. I didn't get to sit down for lunch which could have been part of the problem, but I'm not sure why my tolerance level was so low. People tried to help, but I was so stressed out that I couldn't even figure out what would be helpful. It has been a while since I felt so overwhelmed and emotional at work, but that doesn't make it any better. Looking back, what I needed to do was step away a little sooner and "regroup" with a plan of action for my list of tasks. Thankfully, it was a brief meltdown because I knew there was work to be done...and I was able to "delegate" a few tasks (and felt much better once I realized my patient had not continued to have an elevated blood pressure after having brain surgery...good thing!) Tomorrow, my "favorite" charge nurse comes back after being on maternity leave. I'm glad I got my meltdown out of the way because she won't be able to deal with that kind of stuff on her first day back...ha!

I also had a hunch that I would get another call about a kid yesterday. So, I was not surprised to see a missed call from the agency during my CPR class yesterday. I listened to the message during my break and called my dad, but did not return her call until after class was over (I was rather distracted for the remainder of class, but still managed to pass the test even with missing four questions.) The call was actually for a thirteen-year-old girl. From the information that was given to me on my voice mail, it sounded like the kind of teenager I would be willing to take. When I got the call, they actually didn't think there would be any family to be found and it could become a foster-to-adopt situation (sad!) However, they were able to locate family, so I didn't end up having to make a "decision". I did find out today that this caseworker is new and doesn't do the "matching" of kids to foster parents as well as some of the others. She also doesn't know me as well. So, I was reminded that it is okay to say "no", and that I SHOULD say no if I don't feel comfortable with the situation. I do think that this call was worth asking me about, though, especially since when I checked with my dad, he reminded me that he has coached hundreds of thirteen-year-old girls, so definitely is familiar with them and their "special needs" :o) I don't have a "hunch" as to when I will get my next call, but I work tomorrow, then Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. And then my family will be getting together for the Easter weekend, so I will have many things to consider if I get a call within the next week.

I went clothes shopping for myself for the first time in a long time (been to Carter's LOTS, but don't think I had been to Fashion Bug in 2010!) I brought a coupon ($15 off $40) and a $10 rebate. I purchased a short-sleeved t-shirt, a velour pants/jacket set (purple), a light zip-up hoodie (pink), a pair of jeans (exactly like a pair I have and love), two pairs of jean capris, and this jacket:

I just realized that they tied the belt in a knot. That looks much quicker because the belt is rather long! Anyway, the amount put on my credit card was just over $96...for ALL of that! Plus, I got two coupons for $20 off $50 and will get a $10 rebate once I spend four more dollars. Awesome! As an added bonus, I have gotten many compliments on the jacket (it is no longer available online) so I'm feeling like I may actually have some fashion sense!

Today I had planned to clear off my table/couch (you know, what I have been saying I was going to do for HOW many months?!) But, that did not happen...shocking, I know! However, I did do some laundry and some dishes. And, I did put pictures into two collage frames I bought. I went to the Passion play at my elementary school (I thought it was going to be Stations of the Cross, but apparently I didn't read the bulletin this week!) I went to the agency and turned in all the paperwork to renew my foster parent license (yes, I just got it in January, but there have been "issues"...I'm "rolling with it" :o) ). From there, I met up with some people from church at a fish fry. Unfortunately, we didn't have our numbers straight and didn't manage to save enough seats for all of us. I think everyone still had fun (and I "organized" the gathering, so yay!!) We decided we should get together more frequently, which would be great. Since we met early and they all have young children, we were done in time for me to make it to a 7:30 play at my high school. I wasn't sure I'd be able to go, but am glad I did (although it made for a very busy day!) I sat next to the 8th grade daughter of my high school religion teacher and she was really sweet. She and I just gabbed away like we had known each other forever...I love kids! When I was in high school, I had a dream that this teacher was pregnant and had a daughter they named Lily. She found out she was pregnant when she went home that night. They had daughters named "Rose" and "Hannah", so her husband said they could not do Lily because then Hannah would be the only "non-flower" (they named her Maggie instead and did go on to have two more children, so they really COULD have named her Lily...ha!) I didn't realize that this was a story that had been shared in the family, but I think it's really cool that her daughters know about that! (Good thing ALL of my dreams don't come true, but this one was a fun one :o) Case in point--the other night, I had a dream that my mom was using the shop vac in their bedroom because the floor had separated from the front of the house and you could see their front lawn...craziness!)

Busy couple of days and now it's getting late, so I'd better wrap this up and head to bed!
Good night!

P.S. Tonight, I randomly remembered the TV Show Just the Ten of Us. I need to do a bit of research to remember more about that show...

Thursday Thoughts

It's been a pretty crazy week with lots of emotional highs and lows (though, thankfully not TOO low!)

Catholic Schools Week was celebrated Nationally this week. I was REALLY happy to be off on Sunday so I could go to the Catholic Schools Week dedicated Mass at my church (the "All School Mass" was a different day). At that Mass, the third graders were the choir (so cute!) and they sang songs I remember singing when I was in elementary school. The principal presented awards to a few teachers for their "years of service". Two teachers were recognized for 35 years of service...yes, THIRTY-FIVE! They were two of my favorites :o) After Mass, there was an Open House at the school. I have been in one of the buildings a number of times, but hadn't set foot in the main building for over 10 years. I decided there was no better opportunity! Oh how many memories it brought back...or, how bad of a memory I had that I couldn't remember which teachers were in which classroom when I was there since obviously there has been some staff and room changes since I graduated nearly 16 years ago! Some things haven't changed, though, and that was so cool! I was given a tour by a sixth grader and first grader which was just adorable. I was going to show them my picture on the wall, but somehow, the "Class of 1994" had gone missing! One wall went to 1993 and the other wall started at 1995...I told them that's because we were the best class! I spent a long time talking to a woman whose sons I used to baby-sit. I have been able to talk to her quite a bit as a "grown up" and I just love that! I can't even count how many people I talked to that day (of course, everyone knows my parents because they are really involved at church too).

As I sat in the pew at Mass, walked through that building, and talked to people I have known "forever", I couldn't imagine having children and NOT sending them to that school, going to that church. That community has been mine for over 25 years. I was overwhelmed with emotion at how MUCH that place and the people there mean to me. I knew I felt that way about my high school, but hadn't thought about my elementary school/church giving me the same feeling. I know I am blessed to feel so much love from my community.

I posted this collage before, but thought it was worth sharing here :o)

I think it was Monday that I read "Same Kind of Different as Me". I don't want to go into many details about it, because I think it means more if the story is a surprise. However, it is a true story about an "unlikely friendship". I admit that I read it kind of fast, so probably should read it again, especially the last third (I couldn't wait to find out how the rest of the story unfolded, so I probably missed a few details/meaningful "quotes"). One thing that was "kinda crazy" about this book is that part of it unfolded while I was in college in the same town where the story was taking place. I would say that I am 99% positive that someone I know has at least met one of the "characters" from the book. I have been to some of the places they went to, or at least heard of them (another reason to read it again!) Books have a way of taking you away, and it was kind of odd to be taken away to a place I actually have been!

One of the "takeaways" of the book is to get to know people that are different from you, learn the names of strangers, one person can make a difference... It was interesting to read some of the discussion questions on the book club page about these things because I honestly believe that they are a part of who I am. While I was surprised to hear my mom tell me recently "you SHOULD have all different kinds of friends", I know that to be true, and I DO make an effort to talk to different people because you can learn SO much by listening! I am also blessed with the ability to remember lots of names and dates...not ALL names and dates, but lots of them! As "endearing" as it is to call patients' parents "mom" and "dad", I much prefer to call them by name (and it makes me a little mad when I can't remember mom's name even if they haven't been in the hospital for a long time!) A name, not a number or a diagnosis, that's how I try to do my job :o)

Although I came to be "at peace" with the way things went on Tuesday with my first call, I still get a little sad when I think about it. However, it is amazing HOW many people were there to see me through it, help me through today (and, nearly HALF the people I talked to were people I met through my blog...how crazy is that?!) That's one reason I don't want to make my blog completely private...look what I would have missed if this blog wasn't open for them to find! But, I had lunch with a friend from work who works in the media department and she reminded me once again of the law regarding protecting patient privacy. While I have maintained anonymity for the most part, I'm sure there are violations here if someone wanted to find them. To be honest, that does scare me a bit because I have no idea what would happen to me if I lost my job...it is SO much a part of me... I know the last time I "freaked out" about this, I got reassuring responses that it did not appear I have done anything illegal here. I hope that continues to be the case. I did end up deleting some pictures from my "web album" so I now probably have some posts with missing pictures, but that's okay. (However, for a minute it makes me wish I was the nurse in Haiti who works at an orphanage/hospital and can post pictures of her patients and their stories on her blog...I don't think she would do that if it was "illegal"...)

I let my work meeting this morning...the second to last time I have to do that. It was once again stressful trying to fit all the agenda items into the time we were given, and of course we ran out of time before we go to everything and people were upset. I was teary tonight thinking about it because it isn't EXACTLY a "thankless job", but in the two years I held this position, I rarely heard positive feedback from my peers. That really stinks because I worked really hard to learn how the meetings were supposed to be run, what we were actually supposed to discuss, etc. but no one wanted to hear it. Of course, after today, the manager decided to change the meeting from two hours to three...thanks for nothing, right?! Time, or lack there of, was one of the things that caused me the most anxiety/stress. I guess I should be glad that the next people won't have to deal with that issue...of course, they will probably be "the hero" because SO much more things got done when THEY ran the meetings and no one will remember that I was working with one less hour (bitter much?! I probably should go to bed because my attitude just went down the toilet with the change in paragraphs here!)

I went to the dermatologist a little while ago to get some "bumps" checked out that are on my scalp. I sat in the waiting room for 45 minutes and the doctor took MAYBE 45 seconds to glance at one of the four bumps that I have, told me I was fine, but he could take them out if I wanted, and left. Well, financially, I didn't think that I could "swing" something that it appeared would be billed as "cosmetic". However, one of them has REALLY been bothering me. Without going into too much information, it has been nicked with a comb one too many times and hurts quite often, and sometimes drains/bleeds which is pretty darn nasty. So, after finding out that I have a $300 deductible (yeah, I cried), I called the dermatologist because with the discomfort and nastiness, I was going to have to "suck it up" and pay whatever it costs to get rid of at least that one. The person I talked to was really nice, and in a nice way basically told me that the doctor I saw has a really crappy bedside manner. She made an appointment for me to see a different doctor in a different office on Monday. Of course, there goes another $30 co-pay and I need to call tomorrow to make sure he is still "in network", but I need to get these taken care of...no matter what the cost, I guess.

I had the whole afternoon off and was barely productive (need to stop doing that...I DO have stuff that needs to be done!) I did watch quite a bit of TV and actually took a short nap before choir practice. I was the only "soprano" to show up at choir practice which, if you have ever heard me sing, is NOT a good thing. I enjoy singing in the choir, but pretty much put myself in the soprano section because they mostly since melody. I CANNOT carry a section...I am VERY good at "blending" (and AWESOME when I sing along with the radio...ha!) Thankfully, two of the altos took pity on me and helped me out, but it definitely was more stressful than I would like choir practice to be! Plus, it decided to snow again AFTER it had rained, so the roads were a little slippery.

Well, it's a little after 1:30, so that's probably enough "thoughts" for one Thursday!
Good night.

1-11

(1-11 is kind of a fun date and the most "creative" title I can come up with at this point!)

It's been a busy couple of days...and I still have a basket of laundry on the couch, a stack of Christmas picture collages that need to be put into cards on the table, and a bunch of items strewn about the floor. Not that I haven't had time to do those things, they just didn't get done. Have I mentioned that I'm not a big fan of January?! We did get the promised "heat wave" and today's temperatures in the low 20s did actually feel warm.

I think I worked on Saturday...can't really remember. Yesterday, I was almost late to Mass (being late seems to be a "theme" with me these days and it is frustrating because I don't have any excuses and being late to things like dinner with friends and appointments with counselors is pretty rude), but made it. After Mass, hmm, can't remember what I did besides watch some TV. Oh, I made some cheese soup :o) It was yummy. I let my parents pick me up for dinner at my grandparents' house since my house is on the way anyway. Once again, I found myself annoyed with my family which only frustrated me more...I did get some cute pictures with my nephew though :o)

I texted with Stephanie and discovered that I can help her with her math class...well, I'm hoping I can help her, but I am really excited to try! I don't really miss school (as in, writing papers and doing lots of reading/research does not sound fun to me), but I did really love math when I was younger (my sophomore year of high school, I took Geometry AND Algebra II so I could take AP Calculus when I was a senior :o) I'm looking forward to a different kind of challenge (that I don't have to pay for...ha!)

I also "chatted" with Ginger for a while :o) We had a really nice "visit" and the girl can even read my mind from hundreds of miles away on the other side of a computer...now that's friendship! I'm excited to start planning my trip to come visit her and meet the rest of her family.

This morning, I met with my counselor. It was good timing because January has just been rough with it being so cold and snowy and me not having motivation to do anything. I've also been struggling whenever I'm with my family, even though I love them very much. It is really stressful for me that I get irritated so quickly about every little thing they do/say. I can't say that we "fixed" anything today, but I definitely think that regular counseling is a good idea for me. She "suggested" that I have conversations with my family, but I don't think I'm quite ready for that...but should pray for wisdom/guidance for that "situation".

This afternoon, I went to visit two of my former teachers at the retirement home for nuns. I had been meaning to visit them for a long time and decided they weren't getting any younger, and there was no time like the present. One of them taught me piano when I was younger (I started lessons in 1989) and then voice and piano when I was in high school. Since I got my piano back, I really wanted to go see her to let her know that I've been playing. She is 98 years old and can't hear or see very well, but she definitely knew it was me, and we had a good visit (well, as good of a visit as you can have with someone who can't hear very well). She is in the skilled nursing part of the home, but the aide brought her down to the room of my high school Latin teacher. She is probably 88 and as soon as I got close enough for her to see me, she knew who I was. We, too, had a nice visit and she actually gave me this little porcelain doll (it was a "re-gift" to me, but still sweet). I put it on one of the shelves in my living room for now. Before I left, I had someone take our picture. I'll have to visit them again.

I went and worked out at Curves, had some dinner, and cleaned my kitchen floors (wow, something "productive"!) Then, I actually talked to Kristy for the first time in a while which was nice. I need to go back to Curves in the morning and should try and get some more stuff done before I go back to work on Wednesday. Tomorrow afternoon/evening I am helping with an H1N1 vaccination clinic. This will be my first time helping with one, so it will be interesting.

Well, I guess at the end of the day, I can't be TOO upset about my messy house because people are more important to me than a clean house and I talked to/spent time with lots of special people the past couple of days...of course, I would feel better about myself if I ALSO felt like I could let anyone who "stopped by" see the inside of my house...

It's getting cold here in the living room, so I'm ready to go to my warm room (I have been letting the space heater run for a while until I go to bed) and snuggle under the covers.
Good night.