Long Overdue

I can't believe it's been over a month since I last posted, but it has been SO busy, that I can sort of believe it. I need to write my One Word 365 update, write about what I have chosen for 2013 (which I've ben changing pretty much daily, so who knows). I haven't written about Christmas or how things have been going...busy pretty much sums it up, but we have been having a lot of fun too.

Ivy decided that she wants to come live with me, but she doesn't want to live with my parents first which was an option on the table. Instead, she waits until her background check is done (or Zoe goes home...whatever happens first).

Court for Zoe is tomorrow. It is my understanding that "they" are still pushing for relative placement with the aunt. However, we did not have a "family team meeting" after the last hearing, her aunt has had one visit with Zoe (Christmas), and did not attend last week's Doctor's appointment. We also were assigned a new caseworker last Monday, but I have had no contact with her...really awesome that someone that's never met me or Zoe is going to speak to what should happen to her. I sent a letter to Zoe's lawyer (GAL) which my worker said was "excellent" detailing all of her medications, treatments, specialized diet, etc. I sent him an updated email yesterday with information from last week as well as the fact that her aunt wasn't at the appointment. Zoe has been gaining weight really well here, so they cut back on the calories in her supplement which is awesome :)

I have no prediction on what will happen at court tomorrow, but am praying for wisdom for all those making decisions and peace in the decisions that are made. It will be emotional no matter what happens. I don't have to go, but I'd rather hear things first hand (especially if it involves me packing all her belongings).

One of these days, I'll have to sit down and write some blog posts...but first I probably need to send my Christmas cards (and finish cleaning out Ivy's room...and clearing the clutter out of my bedroom...and making the kitchen table usable for dining...such is life ;) )

Until the next time...

Two Weeks

Zoe's mom goes back to court two weeks from today, on December 3. She has made minimal progress in terms of dietary compliance, although Zoe has been gaining an appropriate amount of weight, so that doesn't "appear" to be an issue. She still has unstable housing, telephone access, and employment. She has been seeing her five days a week for visits and they do appear to have a good bond, although Zoe is a completely different child when her mom is present. She has been very inconsistent with her parenting and Zoe definitely pushes the limits. For example, her mom just started doing her evening treatment and medication (after a strong push from me to get her involved in that). What normally takes me 30 minutes has taken an hour or more because she can't get Zoe to cooperate. Four and a half years of not having "authority" over your child is not going to go away overnight. She has had supervised visits, but I'm not sure they have been doing "parenting" teaching, so that is hopefully in the works.

So, the plan is not to send Zoe home to her mom yet. However, they want to place her with mom's sister, Zoe's aunt. I have some concerns about this, mostly because her aunt has an infant and taking care of a child with Cystic Fibrosis is a LOT of work! I've been a pediatric nurse for over 10 years and think I would struggle if I had to juggle another child on top of all her needs. However, I guess she will do what she has to do and I will pray that she doesn't get burned out and given enough support so she isn't set up to fail. Zoe's mom can be kind of a "care blocker" because she doesn't have consistent parenting and Zoe knows that. I worry about the aunt being able to establish boundaries with her sister so Zoe's needs are met...

But, it sounds like it is going to happen, so I should try not to worry so much, try and let go of some of my "control issues" and CHOOSE to make the most of whatever time we have left. She is a really sweet girl and I will definitely miss her snuggles and silliness. But, that's part of life as a foster parent. My job is to give the children a safe, loving, and stable environment for however long I am blessed to have them in my home...and my love will remain in their hearts forever.

Foster Mom Update

It's been nearly four weeks since the girls moved back with their mom. I've been keeping busy and realize that I haven't really written about them since I wrote about the amazing letter I got from the teen.  So, I figured it was way past time for an update.

Last Sunday (the 16th), I called the girls' mom to see if I could get the girls on Friday since the teen was off school. I had talked to the teen about that to make sure she'd be okay with that and it sounded like she would be. I ended up on the phone with their mom for nearly an hour. It actually wasn't too painful of a conversation and I have learned to just keep quiet when she goes on and on, especially since I don't believe half of what she says anyway. I did take the opportunity to give a few words of parenting advice when she gave me enough information for me to conclude that she has little control over the little one (eg. the little one doesn't want to go to day care/pre-school, so she isn't going, even if it meant she missed her required classes because of it...yeah, be the grown up and tell the four-year-old she is NOT the boss).  I had to laugh silently when her niece was arguing with her about the truth behind the stories she was telling me...again, I do not trust her, but continue to be respectful and will do what I can for HER to continue to trust me. She did agree to let me take the girls for the day/evening on Friday :)

Tuesday (the 18th) was when I started to feel crappy (shoulda called in sick on Wednesday...). So, I called in sick to the pumpkin patch, but did take the teen's laptop in to the store to get brought back to the manufacturer. I haven't heard anything, so hopefully it will be fixed under some sort of warranty since it's less than a year old. I did go to the pumpkin patch with my friend and her two kids for a little while (it was a cold day...good one to be off work!). I couldn't stay late because I was given the opportunity to speak on a panel at foster parent training for new foster parents. They wanted someone to talk about maintaining a relationship with the bio parent as well as hear from someone who has experienced reunification. It was nice to get to share my story with the girls (including the memory book I made for the little one and the thank-you letter I got from the teen [I didn't share the actual letter, just the envelope, card, and story]). The caseworker who runs the training said she would like me to come back in six months with the new group and share with them the grieving process after reunification (it was still kind of fresh to share that kind of information). She said there isn't a lot of research/literature on that, so I'm more than willing to help with that :)

I picked up the girls on Friday morning to head to the pumpkin patch for the day. Their mom called me right as I was picking them up (she was actually in some kind of class...pleasantly surprised/shocked that she is actually doing something productive with her time...). She said she was needing/wanting to leave the State for a couple of weeks to see her parents who are sick (she left town a couple of times during the time the girls were with me to see them when they were "dying"). I'm not so sure it is a great idea to leave town less than a month after you get your kids back before the case is closed, but that's just me. Anyway, I offered to let the teen stay with me while she was gone if she wanted. She didn't really give any indication of having a plan on what to do with her children (there are three boys between the girls) when she left besides saying she'd like to bring the little one with her. She seemed very grateful for that offer and said that it would be a lot less stressful for her to know where her daughter would be. At that point, I sort of said I'd take the little one too, but changed my mind once I actually thought about how complicated that would be now that she is no longer in day care/pre-school, especially with my crazy schedule.

I talked to my agency worker (well, texted her since I was with the girls) and let her know the situation, including the fact that I would not take either or both girls without speaking directly to the caseworker. I need to hear with my own two ears that this trip has been approved and what I would need to do if any situation arose while she was out-of-town. I let their mom know that I was going out-of-town until Tuesday, but to let me know what she figures out (I did tell her that I would not do anything without talking to the caseworker "even though I trust you" [yeah, I did toss her a little BS for good measure]). Still no word on that, so who knows. I did talk to the teen about it too, making sure she would be okay with that arrangement and she said yes.

So, the teen acted "normal", maybe even more talkative than usual. She told me how school was going and I encouraged her to attend a minority conference at the University she wants to attend. She said that it sounded like a good reason to miss a day of school (seriously, love this girl!) I got the confirmation in the mail yesterday that she decided to go, so I'm excited about that :) She seems to be doing very well and has not missed any days of school yet. I heard that her first quarter grades were very good (I actually haven't checked them yet even though I still have access to them). Her mom did actually attend her parent-teacher conference on Thursday which was a pleasant surprise.

The little one, on the other hand, did not really speak the entire 25-30 minute drive. Usually the teen can hardly get a word in because the little one doesn't stop talking. It was so weird, and pretty sad. I tried talking to her and asked her questions, but she wouldn't say anything. Once we were there for a while, she started acting more like herself, but it was still different. I had to wake her up from her 2 hour nap at my house, so maybe she was just tired. It was still sad, though, and I do worry about her, especially if her mom refuses to put her in a situation where she is around other kids and her activities/diet are monitored more closely. But, I have no control over that and the teen will be living there until she's six and goes to school full-time, so I need to "let it go" ;)

It was a really nice day and we spent about 4 1/2 hours there. The little one fell asleep on the drive home and then took a nap at my house. While she was asleep, the teen and I watched SVU and Pretty Little Liars like "old times". That's when I talked to her about the possibility of staying her if/when her mom leaves town.

We grabbed some fast food before going to a musical at the children's theater. The little one used to love to go to these shows (I think we went to five, maybe six, when she lived her). However, she wasn't nearly as interested and was pretty antsy. Not sure what that was all about because it actually was a pretty cute show.

Their mom told me thank-you when I dropped them off and I told her to let me know what her plans are. I called back to let her know that I'd leave the pumpkin patch pass (the teen, little one, and I can get in for free since I work there) for the teen to use if she wanted to go with friends. I checked under the front mat last night and she did come to get it. I wrote her a note reminding her to be respectful and responsible of the pass since it was just for her and the little one.

I haven't heard anything since Friday, but have some mail to drop off for the teen at school tomorrow (I'll probably write a note...and likely slip in the $15 to pay for her conference). The caseworker will let me know if their mom leaves town and wants me to keep the teen here. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to spending tomorrow putting my house back in some sort of order. I did talk to my agency worker for quite some time today. I let her know that I'm not feeling ready to take another placement, especially while I wait to see what happens with this leaving town vs. not leaving town business. Originally, their mom said she wanted to take all the kids out of State for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't be surprised if the teen would be worried about going on such a trip and not getting home in time for school, but who knows.

Overall, I'm doing well. I haven't been home enough to notice the quiet. I still have a lot of catching up to do around here, so will continue to keep busy and focus on the blessings rather than the "missing".

Time for bed. Good night.

They Are Home

Tonight, I brought the girls (and a car filled to the brim with their things) to go live with their mom and their siblings. I'm not sure it will actually feel "real" until a week or so passes and they don't come back. The teen didn't have time to pack all her things and I'm pretty sure she has close to a car full left here. So, I will pick her up from school on Monday to bring her here to pack the rest (she also said she'd clean her room...maybe her bathroom too ;) ).

It was an exhausting week since I worked four out of five days (Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday), had appointments all day Tuesday, and worked at the pumpkin patch all day yesterday. But, we managed to have a good week, making as many memories as time allowed. The park pictures are actually from last week and the pumpkin patch pictures are from today.

Right now, I'm doing okay. I cried intermittently throughout the week. I had countless people asking me how I was doing which was really nice and appreciated, but I did sort of get tired of crying every time. I don't know what our future relationship will look like, but in some ways (if we are able to maintain contact) it could be better since it will be on their terms and not fighting hard to get back home. Their mom did say "thank you for everything" when I dropped them off which I'll take (since I was really annoyed that we hadn't heard a single word from her since she decided last Friday she wanted them back today...together, not the little one first like everyone else thought would be best). 

I haven't had a chance to watch the recording of Sara (Gitzen Girl)'s memorial service from last night and missed out on her funeral that was Wednesday. It has been so cool to see how many lives she touched! It seems like Sara was one of those people who made EVERYONE feel like she was their best friend...what a great trait to have! Anyway, I have been "tweeting" with her friends Tam and Alece who live in Nashville and am thinking about going there in a couple weeks with hopes to "hang out" with them (and see my "other mom" and relatives). I tried to make sure that this wasn't an attempt to run away from my problems, but I'm thinking of it more as having something to look forward to. For YEARS I went on vacation for my birthday and "missed" last year since I had two kids. So, it isn't completely out of character to travel on my birthday and I got a "blessing" from my mom to go (although she doesn't know about the "Internet people" portion of the trip...ha!) :) Now I need to figure out the details and just go for it.

Funny story from tonight that I want to remember and then I need to go to bed: I brought the girls to a restaurant that for some reason has been our "favorite" and we've gone to more than half a dozen times before bringing them to their mom. For some reason we had like three different waitresses come to our table (I think one was in training). The one who brought the bill asked if we were paying together or separate. We were in a booth with the little one next to me and the teen across from us. I tried not to laugh when I said just one check. Then, the teen and I cracked up when she left to get it. Then, she put the check much closer to the teen than to me which only made us laugh harder. I'm wondering what was going through her mind because obviously she didn't see me as the "adult" with these two kids. But, whose kid did she think the little one was? Neither of us? Hers? Mine? It makes me laugh thinking about it

Pretty sure I'll be back here more often than I have been...until the next time, good night.

Not Home Yet

Quick update:
I did quite a bit of crying yesterday, but like I mentioned yesterday (or think I did), they aren't all tears of sadness. I told the teen about the court order when she got out of school and reiterated that I will ALWAYS be here for her and reminded her that I am VERY proud of her and so blessed to have been given this time with her. She didn't react positively or negatively to the news and I think it helped that I left the house for a while after telling her so she could process without anyone else around. Both caseworkers called me back AFTER I talked to her (one was on "vacation" and the other was out sick). There already was a family team meeting scheduled for today at 10, so that was "perfect timing" :)

Unfortunately, I was scheduled to work today, so had to call in sick in order to attend the meeting and find out the plan. Me being "out" left the floor short-staffed which only made me feel guilty for a split second which is "progress" for me. I knew where I needed to be today and it was not at work.

While I was driving to the meeting, I thought I was going to vomit. I was the first one there and the meeting started a bit late after everyone arrived. It was immediately obvious that their mom had no clue the Judge had ruled her kids could go home and I think that helped a TON in how the meeting went. We were able to "chit chat" for about 20 minutes before it came out that her kids could go home. Thankfully, she was "on board" with a sort of transition since apparently she could have said she wanted them all back today and there wasn't much anyone could do about it.

The decision was made that their brothers would officially go home on Friday. Mom and the caseworkers will meet a week after that to evaluate how things are going. Then, the girls will go home (or, possibly the little one for a bit and then the teen, but none of this has been worked out). So, I will have them here until at least September 23 (besides weekend visits).

Tonight we had the opportunity to go to the last minor league baseball game (I think it was maybe our fifth one of the season :) ). We all had a fun time as we always do at sporting events :) I'm thankful that the relationship I have with the teen has not changed since I told her she was going home. She is still chatty as ever telling me all about school and her friends (yes, I know I'm lucky/blessed!) I would be VERY surprised (and really sad) if she doesn't remain in contact with me on a fairly regular basis. We talk all the time and I think she will miss that as much as I do (or almost anyway!)

So, that's the update. I have to work tomorrow, so better head to bed :)
Good night.

15 Months Plus 1 Week

The girls have been living here for 15 months plus 1 week (their first night here was June 5, 2010). This morning, I received a call from the GAL that the court report came back and the Judge said the kids can go home. We have waited nearly 17 weeks for that report, but it still came as a shock and brought me to tears (and many more tears in the 2 hours since). She is hoping there will be a slow transition, but I'm not sure how much control she has now that the report says "home". I haven't talked to my agency worker or the caseworker to find out anything. There is/was a scheduled Family Team Meeting for tomorrow, so hopefully the girls won't go home tonight and we can have that meeting tomorrow to discuss details. I was scheduled to work, but am going to call in sick so I can find out the plan and hopefully participate in the planning. I hope I can make it through without crying because it isn't all sadness...I've been preparing for this day since I decided to become a foster parent. There are so many times during these past 15 months that I thought they were going home and they didn't. So, hearing those words did seem to come "out of the blue" since we've been waiting so long for them. However, that didn't make it any easier to hear. Just before getting that call, though, I was at Curves talking to the owner and she said "it's almost like you have come to the conclusion that your 'work' with them is done and it's time to 'move on' to the next stage". I agree...the post that has been in my head that never made it here was about "independence" and how I have given that to both of them (and been given some myself too) so they are now prepared to face whatever comes. I am very proud of myself and them for how much we have grown during these past 15 months.

More to come...

Summer 2010 

(my most used picture of them on this blog ;) )

Summer 2011