Two Weeks

Zoe's mom goes back to court two weeks from today, on December 3. She has made minimal progress in terms of dietary compliance, although Zoe has been gaining an appropriate amount of weight, so that doesn't "appear" to be an issue. She still has unstable housing, telephone access, and employment. She has been seeing her five days a week for visits and they do appear to have a good bond, although Zoe is a completely different child when her mom is present. She has been very inconsistent with her parenting and Zoe definitely pushes the limits. For example, her mom just started doing her evening treatment and medication (after a strong push from me to get her involved in that). What normally takes me 30 minutes has taken an hour or more because she can't get Zoe to cooperate. Four and a half years of not having "authority" over your child is not going to go away overnight. She has had supervised visits, but I'm not sure they have been doing "parenting" teaching, so that is hopefully in the works.

So, the plan is not to send Zoe home to her mom yet. However, they want to place her with mom's sister, Zoe's aunt. I have some concerns about this, mostly because her aunt has an infant and taking care of a child with Cystic Fibrosis is a LOT of work! I've been a pediatric nurse for over 10 years and think I would struggle if I had to juggle another child on top of all her needs. However, I guess she will do what she has to do and I will pray that she doesn't get burned out and given enough support so she isn't set up to fail. Zoe's mom can be kind of a "care blocker" because she doesn't have consistent parenting and Zoe knows that. I worry about the aunt being able to establish boundaries with her sister so Zoe's needs are met...

But, it sounds like it is going to happen, so I should try not to worry so much, try and let go of some of my "control issues" and CHOOSE to make the most of whatever time we have left. She is a really sweet girl and I will definitely miss her snuggles and silliness. But, that's part of life as a foster parent. My job is to give the children a safe, loving, and stable environment for however long I am blessed to have them in my home...and my love will remain in their hearts forever.

Six Weeks

If my "notebook of notes" serves me correctly, tomorrow will mark six weeks since the teen came to "live" here. She did go home for three nights during the first couple weeks (and Wednesday will mark four weeks since her mom left town). School let out for her just under six weeks ago, so she has hardly been home since school got out for the summer.

I guess it makes sense why my summer has seemed SO crazy busy now that I put all that into perspective! We've gone to (at least) half a dozen baseball games, the zoo, for a walk on a local bridge, volunteered at an event for my foster care agency, and watched hours of television. We have shared dozens of meals, gone shopping, and sunbathed in the front yard. Plus, both of us have been working.

She is working hard and making good money. Unfortunately, I am very suspicious that she has wired money to her mom twice (she is still out of town because she doesn't have money to get back). I haven't talked to her about it, but it makes me really sad. (Her mom called me last Monday and asked me to help the teen save money...apparently that doesn't include telling her not to give her mom money.)

Today she pretty much ignored me all day long. When she did respond to me, it was either really short or with a lot of attitude. She told me her allergies were acting up, but that doesn't really explain the way she was acting. I posted it on twitter and my awesome "tweeps" thought maybe she is getting nervous about going home, so taking it out on the person she trusts (and know cares about her). Maybe she really does realize that this "fairy tale" is coming to an end and is trying to push me away to help ease the blow. Another "theory" is that I'm over sensitive right now and her actions are more "typical" teenager behavior, just not the typical teenage behavior I get from her. She does deserve to have some space and I wasn't so much irritated with her ignoring me as her attitude whenever I tried to talk to her. Our dinner was mostly in silence.

I hate it when she's like that.

And, as much as I hate to say it, I think she needs to go home (aka her mom NEEDS to come home and take care of her kid). Even if it is for a little while and she decides she wants to come back, she needs to go home and work things out with her mom. Right now, she is not enrolled in any school for her Senior year. So, they REALLY need to talk about that. If she (somehow) ends up at the same school she's been attending for the past three years, it starts in less than seven weeks. If she ends up changing schools, she will need to be enrolled wherever that will be and start dealing with the emotions of that. Where she goes to school is completely out of my control and the teen can't make any decisions on that without her mom.

So, even though today was awfully quiet and not a whole lot of fun, maybe it was good preparation for the day (likely later this week) when she is no longer a constant presence here. It will be a rough transition for both of us, but I think it's time for a "break"...and for me to sit back and allow them to work out their issues without me. I can't always be the one to come to the rescue when the going gets tough, even though I will always love her and be here for her.

Her mom said she'd be home tomorrow or Friday (or maybe some day in between there?) What a life she lives...it takes all sorts, right?!

Until the next time...

On Mother's Day

Today, the teen came to my house to work on a group project with some girls from school. I was at work, so didn't get to see them "in action". Apparently, one of the girls was a couple hours late, so it was much less productive than the teen had hoped and she was very upset/frustrated when I got home. She had another group project to do, but she couldn't get in touch with her friend/partner...that project is due Monday.


Add to that, her mom cussed her out (F-bomb and all) both yesterday and today about making excuses or something like that. Her mom was really upset about her wanting to stay here tonight so she could finish her project (and didn't believe that she actually had a project). I tried calling her mom, then texted her mom (since the teen was in tears and really stressed out). 


Her mom (in a round about not nice way) ended up saying the teen could stay the night.


She never was able to get her friend to help with the project, so I helped her with what I could, encouraged her, and told her how proud I am of her...


Last year on Mother's Day, the girls had been living here almost a year. My parents gave me a Keurig (probably because they gave my sister one, but still really nice!) I got a couple "Happy Mother's Day...well, kind of" which stung a bit, but I did understand...kind of.


This year, I don't have a "placement" and I don't have my "own" kids, so I was wondering what Mother's Day would feel like.


Then, I got this in an email from Paper Coterie...
"To every woman who has ever loved someone more than herself, we wish you an absolutely wonderful Mother's Day." and I found much comfort in those words.


Helping with school projects, wiping away tears, giving words of support, watching chick flicks together...and I know, that I'm a woman who has loved someone more than myself...and will have an absolutely wonderful Mother's Day.

On Being "Brave"

This morning, I was fortunate enough to be able to attend an (in) Real Life gathering. As I was getting ready, I challenged myself to try to do more listening than talking. I AM capable of being a good listener (I think ;) ), but I'm also REALLY good at talking about "my story". 

As I started the 70 minute drive, I thought about the fact that I was driving alone to an unknown location to a house filled with women I had never met/knew nothing about. (I also thought about the fact that I was driving alone for 70 minutes so my challenge of not talking so much was likely going to be an even bigger challenge...ha!)

And then I thought about being "brave". If someone asked me to pick a few words to describe myself, I doubt I would come up with the word "brave". However, I really have done some things in my life that could be considered "brave":

• I moved 750 miles away to attend college. I only knew one other person who was going to that school and it wasn't someone that I was likely to "hang out" with. I lived in dorms for four years, I joined clubs, and found some good friends.
• After college, I moved 1500 miles away from home to a city I'd only briefly visited twice. I lived in my own apartment for 15 months. I learned how to do "everything" myself (or be resourceful to find someone who could help me). I went to the grocery store, the movies, and on day trips by myself. Unfortunately, community/friendships didn't come as easily outside the university setting, so it was a pretty easy decision to come back "home".
• Just over five years ago, I bought my house from my parents after my sister and I rented it from them for three years. I sometimes pay people to mow/shovel and my dad cleans the gutters, but I mostly take care of things ;)
• Nearly four years ago, I hopped on an airplane to meet a "blog-friend-turned-real-life-friend" face-to-face.
• Just over two years ago, I (finally!) got my foster parent license...and the first call for a placement. 
• Nearly two years ago, a very introverted 15-year-old and a chatty nearly 3-year-old became my first foster placement. I ended up being a single foster mom to them for 16 months. They went home seven months ago, but we are still changing each other's lives :)
• Six months ago, I flew to Nashville for my birthday and met two more "blog-friends-turned-real-life friends". 
• Then, today I drove 70 minutes down the road alone and met women who are now my "tweeps" and "fb friends". I still probably talked too much and made weird faces in photos (and tried really hard not to randomly start bawling...that worked much better than the not talking too much did!), but they all made me feel like I "belonged" anyway ;)

Although I rarely feel "brave"...it seems I may have more courage than your "average gal" ;) So, I will embrace that...and remember this when I am feeling anything but brave.

I'd better go to bed...it's looking like it could be a long day at work tomorrow and is going to be a very busy week!
Good night.

Two Weeks

It definitely doesn't feel like it has been two weeks since the "drama". I think it feels like much longer...and the days likely would have seemed even LONGER had I not been able to talk to the teen again five days ago.

I'm still not quite sure what to make of all that "went down". It came out of no where and then kind of "went away" just as quickly...and I know it could come back just as fast.

I tried calling her mom on Thursday night, but it went straight to voice mail. I left a message saying I wanted to make sure she was okay. That was true, but I also wanted to know when/if she was leaving town to visit her mom (and what she decided to do with her dependent children during that time). She ended up texting me last night to tell me she couldn't get the money to go. It makes me sad that her first thought was to go to her mom when she is the sole parent for multiple dependent children. It wasn't the fact that she had kids to care for that make it so she couldn't leave, it was because no one could give her money to go. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes having to "pick" between a sick parent and your kids, but I do know there are just some things you can't do when you have parenting responsibilities of your own.

So, since she isn't leaving town, the teen won't be staying here while she is gone (she stayed with me in November when her mom was gone for a week). That means I'll have to do other things to check in with the teen on how things are progressing at home.

I texted her on Thursday night after I couldn't reach her mom and she didn't answer, so that was a little bit stressful. She finally texted me yesterday morning to say they were off school yesterday. I texted her during my lunch break to see how things were going. She said she took 3 tests on Thursday and was hopeful that maybe she would be able to get some of her D's and F's to C's. I feel like our conversation on Tuesday was really helpful when she texted me this (edited for clarity...darn texting messing up our grammar and spelling!) "I just got the attitude now that while things at home may not be the best, I'm going to try and do good in school. I can't control how my mom feels, but I can control my grades. So, I'm trying to get back on track and do what I can. I'm really starting to put study hall to use so I won't have as much work at home." I'm so proud of her! I do wish she would have come to me before things got this bad out of hand with her grades, but it is what it is and now she is getting the help she needs (I hope!)

I texted her today to let her know I was off and she could come here to study if she wanted. She said she didn't have anything to study (hard to believe except she DID have 3 tests on Thursday and no school yesterday). However, she said I could talk to her mom about picking her up after school this Thursday (my only day off since I am not working next weekend and have meetings/appointments all day Tuesday).

As much as I'd love to "rescue" her, I need to remember that reunification means that her family is all together. So, if they are "safe", I (probably) should encourage her to make it work. She always maintained that she wanted to go home and if I can continue to help make that successful, that is what I need to do (even though it is really hard). Of course, if she decides that she really cannot live in that environment, I will support her and help her with what needs to happen to get her where she wants to be.

Today was my only day off in a stretch of 5 days (two on, one off, two on). So, I didn't set an alarm and didn't get up until the phone rang at 10...second time this week I did that! I wasn't really productive today, but oh well. I did go to lunch with my mom, sister, brother-in-law, and nephew. My sister is 37 1/2 weeks and was doing "everything" she could to have the baby today, but it didn't work ;) He could come any day now, though, and that will be so fun!

Good night.

Manipulation

Up until today, my feelings about what happened with the teen have mostly been sadness/frustration that I can't talk to her to find out what happened. Today, though, I was given a different perspective by a co-worker who happens to have adopted four kids from foster care, at least three of which had drug/alcohol exposure. When I told her the story, she immediately said "wow, that teenager PLAYED you"...

I guess maybe I just didn't want to believe that the teen would do that to me/her mom, but in reality, that is how it appears. (Of course it would also be nice to hear what she was thinking in all this...but, she IS a teenager, so she maybe wasn't thinking at all, unfortunately.) She used my trust in her (and my love for her) to withhold information from her mom and that is not at all "cool" with me. My co-worker encouraged me to call her mom and apologize profusely and do what I can to convince her that I really am on her side in this. She had me put myself in her shoes and how scared her mom must be not knowing where her daughter was or who she was with when she thought she was with me. I agree that her mom has every right to be angry...I'd be concerned if she WASN'T angry. However, I don't think that being angry at me and "cutting me off" is the best way to handle it.

So, I called and left a message since she didn't answer. It was a long shaky-voiced message, but hopefully she believed my sincerity. I told her that I do not advocate for lying or sneaking around and really had no idea that was what was happening. She did not call me back, so I am going to try again tomorrow. I'm not sure what I'll do if/when she doesn't answer tomorrow, but I work the three days after that, so will at least wait those days and see what happens. I really don't think anything can be resolved unless we talk about what happened and where we go from here. Hopefully the two of them agree.

In the mean time, I am thankful for the amazing support I have (including my therapist who saw me tonight after I called her on Monday and said we really needed to talk).

Good night.

Living With the Choices

This afternoon, I was talking to two high school Seniors from my alma mater who were volunteering on my unit. I've talked to them before, but it had been a while. Today, they started asking me questions about being a Nurse Practitioner versus being a Physician's Assistant, dealing with patient death's as a pediatric nurse, and being a nurse in general.

As I answered their questions, I also shared a lot about myself, including some of the choices I have made to get me to this point. I got a 32 on my ACT. I graduated third in my class of 64 with a 4.0. I was involved in lots of activities and held officer positions in a couple of clubs. They were "wowed" by those facts and thought I "for sure" would have had a full ride scholarship to college. Well, I was offered an almost full-ride (75% tuition plus $1000 room and board) to a local private university. However, my "dream" was to go to college out-of-state. So, I took my scholarship that ended up barely paying for one class by the end of my four years and went 500 miles away to college. Even though it's been nearly 10 years since I graduated, I can't see an end to the student loan payments.

When I was about to graduate from college (with my Bachelor's of Science in Nursing--in 4 years without any summer school thank-you-very-much [with closer to a "B" average than an "A" one]), I had a choice to make. I could stay where I was, I could go back home, or somewhere else altogether. I had an East Coast fascination (obsession) with years of watching Regis & Kathie Lee and the Today show as a middle schooler on. I looked at East Coast Universities, but ultimately chose differently. The children's hospital back home was offering a $10,000 sign on bonus and tuition reimbursement. The East Coast children's hospital I chose couldn't even guarantee me full-time hours, and had no tuition reimbursement or sign-on bonus. I moved over 1000 miles away from home knowing no one. I lived by myself in a two-bedroom apartment for an entire year (the first three months my sister lived with me).

As I spoke, it was hard to remember what was going through my mind when I was making those tough choices (and as I write, I wonder what my parents were thinking as I was making those decisions!) They asked me if I was making the same decisions now, if I would do things differently or not.

I told them that I don't have regrets about the decisions I made, even though thinking about how much money I could have saved while I am currently in a lot of debt does make me question it a little bit. I said that you can't put a price on experiences and encounters.

Where would I be now if I didn't decide to go away to college or go away to work? Would I feel "stuck" in my hometown wondering why I never took a chance to try something else? Would I really believe that I could manage "on my own" and feel comfortable meeting new people in unfamiliar places? Would I be confident enough to "take charge" had I not left my comfort zone? While surely there would have been as many "cool people" had I chosen another path, there are so many people who helped shape me to the person I am today that removing one of them would change who I have become.

And, like I told the girls when they asked about taking care of patients who die...I believe that every person comes into my life for a reason...to teach me something...to help me be a better daughter/sister/friend/nurse/mom...to remind me that life is precious and not to take any moment for granted.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." ~James Dean
I used this quote in every college admission and scholarship essay and still hold the message close to my heart. Not to live recklessly, but intentional about the choices I make each and every day.

Good night.

Gentle Reminders

I had to switch shifts at work in order to be off for the court hearing. I'm still not sure how I feel about the case being closed, but the girls' mom did text me back when I texted her yesterday, so it isn't like that fact closed off communication or anything. I am hopeful that it won't change anything...and actually maybe this will make the relationship less "threatening"...if there ever was a "threat".

Because I switched shifts, I worked Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. 12-hour shifts usually turn into nearly 13 and I rarely work three of them in a row since I enjoy my couch and my sleep ;) However, these three actually were good ones and I worked with my "work friend" for two of them (I know I wrote about the fact that I now have a "work friend" but I'm not going to go look for the link now...but, just in case I "forget", this friend has the same name as my sister only spelled differently. ;) ) We had good teamwork and actually had some "down time" moments where we could visit and watch "Utube"videos and such.

Yesterday (Sunday) was "family day"...and a busy one! I went to my mom and dad's after church and my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew were there (my parents go to 9:00 church and I go to 11). There was a ton of leftover breakfast (sausage, bacon, and hash browns) and my mom made more chocolate chip pancakes for me. My sister and brother-in-law went to the grocery store, so my mom gave my nephew a bath and then we "baby-sat" until they came back from the store (I believe my mom even let me be the only one in the room with him for a little while...for some reason my sister and mom seem to be anxious about that...at least it feels like it sometimes.)

I then went with my dad to watch one of his basketball teams play. He coaches two 7th grade girls teams and I haven't been able to go to many games this season (I went to one "A" game and yesterday was my first "B" game since the other team forfeited when I went last week.) He let his assistant coaches coach and they didn't do it like he usually does, so that was sad and his team probably would have won if they ran things the way he usually does...oh well, it was still a good game (and I got to see one of the women who was at the Thanksgiving retreat I attended since her daughter was on the other team.)

Before the game, I also talked to one of the girls' mom's. She is a pediatrician, but we actually talked about my foster parenthood. It felt good to talk about it, especially in light of the "case closed" from this week. She asked me how day care worked during that 16 months and I found myself talking about how my mom and dad picked them up/dropped them off and my sister watched the little one for 10 months. I wasn't really thinking about how much help they were to me until she pointed it out. She said they didn't have grandparents nearby. I needed that gentle reminder after the complaining that I do and my thoughts about what could happen when I take another placement. My family really is great and have been supportive of me and my choices the best way they know how...even though sometimes it doesn't feel like they understand.

After that game, I went with my mom and sister to watch a college basketball game. My dad had other things to do and my mom's boss had three tickets (since he wasn't going but his wife was). The seats are awesome and it was a good game. I got to talk to her boss' wife for a little while (maybe even more than I talked to my mom and sister, actually!)

Then, as if the day wasn't busy enough, I met up with a friend from high school and her friend for a couple of drinks. She is actually going out-of-town tomorrow on a "mommy spa vacation" by herself for four days to recoup from a stress/anxiety/depression filled few months. I think it's awesome that she is doing that for herself and that her husband thought it was important. She talked about how her in-laws help with their boys and it was another gentle reminder to me as I was questioning the weird vs non-weird-ness of my mom giving my nephew a bath and my sister and brother-in-law waiting until someone could watch their kid for them to go to the grocery store. I guess you appreciate the help you can get...and if you don't have to do it alone, then don't?

Today was another jam-packed day...but enjoyable and not at all productive at home! I went to a staff meeting at work that went from 7:30-9:00. Usually I don't go on my days off, but there isn't one on any of the days I work this week. Since they were discussing our job satisfaction scores, I thought it was important to be there. I was able to give my "two cents" and then some about the way things are right now (not great). I'm actually glad I wasn't working because I never would have been able to stay that long!

After the meeting, I went and got my progesterone shot for my PCOS that still is not at all under control (hoping they are learning from me and eventually we can come up with a good balance that doesn't involve progesterone shots because they HURT!) Then, I went and worked out. After THAT, I went to the horse races with my dad. We were there for 2 1/2 hours and bet a LOT of races. We only won once, but it was enough that I came out $2 ahead :)

I went to the grocery store, took a nap, then went to my dad's basketball game (they won by a lot tonight!). I watched my "teeny bopper" shows and ate pizza while drinking a Woodchuck. After that, I wrote a long and boring blog post about the events of the past three days ;)

I'm thankful for the gentle reminders the past few days to be grateful for the blessings in my life...

Grateful for Grace

I finally think I have the time and energy to write about the "Day of Gratitude" I had on Tuesday. This was the fifth year I attended the Thanksgiving retreat there at this center. I have not been disappointed and it always comes at the perfect time. If you are "bored" and want to read the posts I wrote from the other years, here are the links: 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010. I re-read them (well, skimmed) and found them to be rather (or maybe "somewhat") insightful, if I do say so myself. I do enjoy looking back at where I have been. I thought it interesting that in 2009, I wrote about being thankful for being "who I am" since I started seeing my therapist shortly before that day and being thankful for "who I am" is an ongoing discussion/process. Last year's post has a neat story about being "thankful for thorns" which was good for reflection.

This year's retreat was the first one that wasn't a "women's retreat". It was led by a Jesuit priest who has a PhD and it was a lot more theological/philosophical than in years past and I'm sure I spent some of the day looking like a deer in the headlights, but it was still a good day. There were only seven of us besides the facilitator, so it was an "intimate" group. We also were a relatively diverse group so were able to share different perspectives and reasons to be thankful. Since I am writing this to remember, here are the "players" so to speak:
1. Woman in her 40s (not wearing a ring) whose 20-year-old son passed away a couple years ago. She recently left her job of seven years to "find herself" and now works in housekeeping at the retreat center.
2. Retired Colomban priest who did much of his missionary work in Korea, now is "retired" and learning to live in this community.
3. 75-year-old retired nurse who is now a "master gardener". Has kids and grand-kids (and goes to my church).
4. 40ish woman, married with four kids. Husband is a stay-at-home dad and last year she left her "high power" job for something less stressful that allows her more time with her family and is looking to go back to school.
5. Retired Colomban priest who just celebrated 50 years of priesthood. He did missionary work all over the world, including Fiji. He moved to my city last week and hadn't lived here since the 1950s or 60s.
6. Woman in her 40s who was married for 10 years before her husband left/divorced her. In the 10 years since, she moved from one high-power job to another before coming to work in marketing at the retreat center earlier this year.
7. You already know me :) 32, single, pediatric nurse, foster parent, aunt...

The thing I liked about the "set-up" this year is that there was a presentation portion followed by a 30-40 minute "alone" time and then time to share. One of the years it was really structured which worked too, but I think it is good to have reflection time set aside at a "retreat".

The first part, he talked about St. Ignatius and printed a couple of pages from a book about him. He highlighted St. Ignatius' "Suscipe"-- "Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and all my will--all that I have an possess. You, Lord, have given all that to me. I now give it back to you, O Lord. All of it is yours. Dispose of it according to your will. Give me love of yourself along with your grace, for that is enough for me."

I had a little bit of a hard time taking notes during the day because he talked kind of fast and some of it I didn't quite "get", but I did listen :) After this part, he had us reflect on something that God has given us that we appreciated more than anything else right now. His reflection said something about his "vocation being confirmed by relationship" and that really spoke to me. So, I reflected on my relationship with the teen. A year ago, our relationship was so much different than it is today. There were definitely struggles as I tried to figure out how to reach her, how to help her, how to earn her trust, etc. The retreat came just after she "willingly" spent nine days here with me and I can tell that our time together made a tremendous difference and I know that I "reached" her. So, my "vocation" to be a foster parent was definitely confirmed by that relationship.

I cried the most during that reflection time because it is overwhelming to know how much of a difference I was able to make, mostly by just being "me" and using the gifts that God has given me. Also, the word "vocation" really stood out to me because I definitely feel like I am doing what God has called me to do and it is a struggle when it isn't seen as "normal" by societal standards. I wrote in my journal that when he said his "vocation was confirmed by his relationship", it spoke volumes to me about really being aligned with God's plan and being able to appreciate that calling rather that feeling some sort of "shame"for acting outside of the "norm" and instead embracing the gift.

The second part was about grace and the scriptural model versus the Western/secular/capitalistic model. I really had a hard time being able to write notes, but it did make sense while I was there...well, kind of! Basically, I think the point is that the "common" view is that God rewards us with grace according to our good deeds and God, grace, and self are all separate while the scriptural model is that grace/the Holy Spirit is within meaning that God is present in the slightest moments, in every moment of every day. All gifts come from God, without God you can do nothing. He talked about the vine and the branches and how they cannot be separated and survive.

During this reflection time, we were to read part of this book the facilitator wrote, but I chose just to do my own reflection. I carefully got into a hammock and immediately thought of my "one word" for this year which was "trust" because I'm not always so graceful and am kind of surprised (pleasantly) that I didn't flip right out of the hammock! During this time, I thought about all the people God has placed in my life who DO have this view that God is present every day, in every moment, even when things are tough. In the sharing portion, I talked about Sara and her "Choose Joy" mentality that has trickled down into everyone who has been blessed to know her. I also shared about feeling God's presence during the time I was "mom" to the little one and the teen, particularly how the weeks/months of waiting this summer not knowing when they were going home allowed us just to enjoy each other's presence for how ever long we had. That time gave us the opportunity to flourish our relationship and establish more trust. As I sat in the hammock, I could feel the warm sun on my left cheek and the cool breeze on my right. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and it was just a beautiful day...one that I likely could have missed with all my running from here to there and everywhere on any other day.

After lunch, I went and walked the labyrinth. I think it is amazing that this is the fifth time I walked it and each time there is a different experience. Again, Sara is not far from my thoughts, especially when I breathe in the fresh air remembering that I ought not take this for granted. How "choosing joy" can change your perspective. The day before the retreat, I raked my leaves and chose to see the filled bags and "clean" yard as a sense of accomplishment, witnessing the fruits of my labor, rather than dwelling on the fact that many more leaves would be falling and need to be raked too. As I walked, I thought about having a gift of "openness"--being open to sharing my thoughts, open to listening to, open to God's will (my "one word"-trust), open to hearing Him, open to suggestions/advice, open to trying new things, and open to people whose idea/opinions differ from mine.

During the third part, he talked about the booklet that I didn't read, but had us reflect on a normal day and how/where we saw God's presence. During my reflection time, I was reminded of a quote from St. Francis of Assisi that says "Preach the Gospel at all times...when necessary use words." While I am more "extraverted" than I used to be, I still remain somewhat of a quiet observer in order to learn what I can about people, their stories, their experiences, in order to better serve them, others in the future, and myself. During the sharing time, someone reflected that they find God in the laughter she hears throughout the day. Another person spoke of taking time each day to be quiet with God.

In the fourth part, he asked if we saw nature as a powerful symbol of God as creator. I admitted that I haven't always been one to appreciate nature, but am getting better at not taking it's beauty for granted. In conclusion, we are to recognize our gifts and know that all gifts come from God, we are to be ready to share our gifts, and trust our inner self as action of the Spirit (at least this is what I can gather from the brief notes I wrote under "conclusions"...ha!) We ended with the Veni, Sancte, Spiritus which I would type here, but it is long and this is already very long! He gave us a handout called "Rummaging for God: Praying Backward Through Your Day" that I haven't looked at yet (I just re-found it!), but sounds like an interesting read.

So, it was a much different experience than the other four "gratitude" retreats I have attended, but I think that's a good thing. It definitely stretched my thinking, even if at times it made me feel like I was in school (it's okay to make my brain work differently, right?!) It was definitely a good reminder to continue to appreciate the little things since God is present in the slightest moments...and all gifts come from Him. WE are the Body of Christ and are to be God's Temple, His Dwelling Place.

I have so much to be grateful for, including the fact that I was able to get a day off to attend a retreat :) And, now I have next year's retreat to look forward to, and another retreat to look back on :)

Good night.

Taking My Time

Maybe I'll have time tomorrow to write about the retreat I attended on Tuesday. I just read the posts that I wrote about the retreat from the past four years and all of them were well thought-out, so I'd like to wait and write when I'm ready. I'm very grateful for this "blog" in times like this because I think all of those were/are worth reading again to be reminded of where I have been and how much I've learned.

While I realize that it's not my grief, my illness, I was still struggling this morning about what I wrote about last night. I know that the retreat came at the perfect time to remind me to be grateful for each day and that made it "easier", but I still had trouble catching my breath and tears filled my pillow during my "afternoon nap". I did call my Gyn to set up an exam and will talk about the new plan to manage my PCOS at that time. I talked to someone else at her office who could answer some of my questions and hopefully I will be more confident in addressing the potential "criticism" that will come with my decision to take a fairly "non-traditional" route in caring for myself and my hormone imbalances. My heart goes out to Rachel and can't begin to fathom what she has gone through this week (considering how strongly it has affected me and it ISN'T me!), but she's an awesome friend and "tweeted" me last night to "take care of you"...and so I will.

I managed to be semi-productive today even with needing to take a number of "breaks" as well as a nap. I did rake some leaves and organized a few papers. I did something really stupid--I washed a pair of sneakers that had dog poop (and leaves) on them in the washing machine along with some towels and ended up with poop and leaves stuck to the sides of the washer--so I kind of stopped trying to do any more "damage" after that and mostly "vegged".

I did talk to my mom for a while since she emailed me last night that she was off today and tomorrow. Maybe she told me some other time, but she definitely didn't "remind" me (and she also didn't tell me before she went out to lunch and shopping with my grandma and sister/nephew, but whatever...) I told her some of what was going on at work and with my "health", but didn't tell her the current treatment plan because I didn't want to deal with her criticism/questioning today...save that for when I have all of the facts in my hands.

I had an alumnae council meeting at my high school which is always fun (I love that place SO much and can hardly wait until I have another daughter to send there!) After that, I skipped choir practice so I could go play "bunco" with my best high school friend and her friends. She was hosting it, so invited me to come. I'd heard of it, but never played. It's a really easy game and is a lot of drinking and snacking and chatting, so it was a fun night. After the other girls left, she and I had a nice visit too. She has been dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression issues and trying to figure out the right doses of medication to help her. She is seeing a counselor every week too, so I'm glad she is getting the help she needs.

So, that's what went on in "my little world" today...back to work tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow will be much less depressing than yesterday :)

Good night.

I knew, but now I KNOW

Although there have been struggles during the 12 days since the girls were reunified with their family, there are some things I "knew" that helped me cope. I knew that I had given the girls priceless gifts during the nearly 16 months they lived here. I watched them both grow and develop which was incredibly rewarding and made me a very proud Mom. The little one turned three AND four during that time. She became more independent and her personality shined. She learned appropriate behavior, about healthy foods, and how better to interact with her peers and new people. She was my little "cling-on" who loved to give hugs and kisses and tell me she loved me. We spent lots of one-on-one time together and made lots of memories.

While the little one's growth and development was more due to her age, the teen's growth and development were cultivated by the environment I helped to create for her. If I went back to look at notes I wrote from last fall, they were about a completely different person than the teen I know today. There were nights I wondered if anything I could do or say would help her see that she was important and her needs mattered. There were times she would cry when I told her how proud I was of her. This summer, while we waited for the judge to make a decision on when they could go home, I really knew that our relationship had changed. She talked to me constantly, sharing her random stories, telling me about school and her friends, and about her plans for the future. She was a new kid when school started this year and I really knew that I made a difference. Like my mom told me, this time gave her an opportunity to find her "passions" and, like the little one, she too became more independent and her personality began to shine.

So, I knew all these things about how much of a difference I made in their lives (and more, but this is already a really long post and I haven't gotten to the point yet ;) ) but here is how I KNOW I did...

This afternoon, I went to the teen's school to pick up her broken lap top with hopes that I can get it fixed (I just bought it for her in March...stinky!) I brought her a mocha smoothie for "old time's sake". I sat on the front stops of her school hoping that she didn't forget. She came out with her friend and handed me a note. She then told me all the crazy stuff that was going on with the computer. I asked about her sister (she was starting her new pre-school today) and how transportation was going (her cousin has been bringing her and picking her up). Then, she had me take a look at this note she handed me.

The envelope was covered with drawings of the memories from her time here. "Big" memories like baseball games, trips to the zoo and downtown to feed the ducks, the Taylor Swift concert, and going to the pumpkin patch and "little" memories like a drawing of my ipod, "turtle soup", a string cheese sandwich (from their first night here), and eating chips in the car while stuck in traffic watching fireworks last year. She included the quote "There is nothing more thrilling than to see someone grow in front of your eyes". So many memories--some photographed, some only in our minds and the stories we share--but she chose to capture them all on this envelope. I said "you are going to make me cry" and she assured me that the letter would, so I chose not to read it then. I tearfully told her that I miss her, but I'm glad she is doing well. She doesn't currently have plans for her day off next week, so I need to call her mom to see about taking the girls for the day/evening.

When I got home, I read the note...and cried of course. Then, I called my agency worker and bawled while I read it out loud to her. It really is special, and a true testament to how much of a difference I really do make. Even though I am going to treasure this note forever, I'm going to go ahead and write it here so it is two places (hopefully she wouldn't be upset with me sharing it!) The card had a drawing from the little one, the quote "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart." and a note "Happy Birthday Amanda. Hope you have a wonderful day. Hope your birthday vacation is fun."

Then, there were four 3x5 note cards with the rest of her note, written with five different colors of pens (so teenager!) The note cards are significant to me because she used note cards to help her study and I bought her a bunch of them when school started so she was ready :) Here it goes (be prepared to cry...it is really sweet.)

Dear Amanda,
Thank you for all that you have done for me and my sister. We made many great memories, did lots of things together. The time that I spent in your house and at (her high school) has made me a better person. I always believed that everything happens for a reason. God may put us through hardships in our life, but we just have to make the best. God never will give you more than you can handle. Although not being with my mom, I was still able to be happy because I was surrounded by good people. As I look back now at all the time that we spent together, I see all the good memories we had. While your house was only a temporary home, it felt like a real one (Temporary Home-Carrie Underwood). Even though I still have a very long journey ahead, I feel that I will be successful. When I graduate from (her high school) and go to college, I will look back and remember you. You helped make it possible for me to get to that point. All the long nights of helping me study, writing outlines, projects, and writing songs will help me get to that point of life. Thank you for all that you have helped me with. When it comes time for me to graduate, I'll be sure that I send you an invitation to my graduation. I'm sure my sister feels the same way about you and all you have done for us.
Love Always, M & L

So special, so very special. And with that, good night...

Growth

Today was a "meeting day" for me...good thing I like to talk ;)

After dropping the teen off at school and the little one at day care (and a trip to the teen's school to bring her business homework-she called in "a favor" ;) ), I called the caseworker to catch her up on everything that happened while she was out of the office. Her suggestion to me about the "Caregiver Information Form" was to gather my information and send it to the GAL. It has been her experience that the information doesn't often make it to the judge (so, pretty much the only people who would see it are the mom's lawyer and maybe her??) Of course, the GAL has seen the girls only 2 or 3 times in the 16 months they have been in care, but it is worth a shot I guess.

Not too long after that, I went and met with my counselor. Of course, she asked the question about what I am going to do when the girls go home. I let her know that I'm really not sure, but that there are so many people who have walked this journey with me, so I will not be alone whenever it happens. It's really hard to plan when the "soon" keeps changing and no one knows what the "transition" will look like. She wondered if I "throw tantrums" in my quiet time thinking that the girls are "mine" and should stay with me. To be honest, the answer to that is a definite no. Would I be committed to caring for them long-term should their mom (or the courts) make the decision that that is best? For sure. As heartbreaking as it is to think about them leaving, I'm also aware that being with me forever may NOT be best and I am trusting in God's plan for all of this.

Whenever that day comes, there will be tears. I'm sure there will be lots of them. However, not all of them will be sad ones. I will cry happy tears for all the special moments we have shared. I will cry because I know I have made a difference in their lives, and them in mine. There will be tears because this time has brought more blessings than I ever could have imagined.

That day is not today. Today, the teen babbled like a crazy lady during the caseworker's visit this afternoon (I met with the "fertility care specialist" who is helping me with my PCOD in between there). There were times when she would barely look at the caseworker when she came to see us. That is growth (or the mocha ;) ) The little one seems to enjoy going to "school" and has obviously grown so much in these 10 months in her personality (and a little bit in size...she's still pretty tiny!)

August 2010-April 2011

I've grown too. This experience has changed me for the better. It has brought me closer to my family. I have new friends and have gotten amazing support from my "old" friends. I have gained confidence, I communicate better, I am more flexible, I am proud of myself.

It's not "over" until it's "over" and even then maybe it won't be...until then, we'll keep on growing.

Where To Begin

It's been nearly a week since I posted anything, so I figured I should write something in case anyone wonders if I'm okay ;)

Things are crazy busy and I have no idea where the time goes. I had yesterday off and really wanted to finish up some stuff I have left to do since before Christmas (you know, like send thank-yous and a couple of gifts...yeah, I'm doing THAT badly these day!) My aunt has been going through breast cancer treatment since November. I bought her a card and still haven't sent it (or talked to her). I can't remember the last time I talked to my mom's parents, but I did buy them a Valentine's Day card. I feel like I can't "RSVP" to anything because of this roller coaster ride I am experiencing. I suppose this is what it's like to have kids and I do love being a mom, but man, some days it is just out of control!

All of us are dealing with the effects of the "transition" that really isn't a "transition" at all because it is going no where. Being at a stand still, living in limbo, lots of unknowns, has affected all of us differently. The little one is clingy and cries/wants to be held any time I tell her she can't do something, when she doesn't want to wake up, when she doesn't want to go to sleep...some days are better than others (today was a good day...yay!) Granted, I know she is still better than a lot of 3-year-olds, but this behavior change is obviously her dealing with all of the changes (and isn't fun for any of us!)

The teen's grades have REALLY slipped this quarter. Her effort also seems to be lacking, although just now she let me quiz her for her biology test and she told me yesterday about some "study tips" she found on the internet that she is going to use next quarter. She missed turning in a number of assignments and I think her test average across her 7 classes is a D. She is currently "passing" all but one class, but I think she could do so much better. I've been really struggling with how to address this, especially since I have no clue when she is going home. She IS passing, and I have told her that I am more concerned with her effort than her actual grades. I know I need to say something, but I haven't quite figured out what to say or when. She should get her report card later this week or early next week, so that could be the time. I am going to try and put in on her to talk about what happened this quarter, but she isn't really a "talker" when it comes to that kind of stuff and very good at putting up a wall. Hopefully I can find a good approach to make her willing to share what's going on. I gather a lot has to do with the fact she has spent two weekends at her mom's, her mom has flaked on a couple of visits, never calls her (except to make her feel guilty for wanting to go out with friends without talking to her first), and no one can tell her when exactly she will be reunited with her family. Basically, there is a lot going on and I don't want to "add fuel to the fire" by saying something the wrong way.

Needless to say, all of this has left me pretty stressed. I'm hardly at home and when I am, I am making phone calls trying to figure out visitation, transportation, and where to send the girls if their mom cancels. I worked Friday and Saturday, and of course those are "visit days"...or are they?! I hadn't heard from their mom all week until Friday morning when she texts that she hadn't heard from me. She never talked to me to arrange transportation, so the little one went to my sister's, the teen stayed at home, and I was at work. Sorry, can't help you. That's when she was freaking out about the teen actually wanting to go out with friends and called her for like the first time in forever to "talk to her about it". I tried to arrange transportation for the teen to go to the movie with friends (she couldn't stay the night though and I think she was feeling a bit awkward about that). However, at the first chance she had to back out, she took it and said she'd go to her mom's on Saturday. Of course, their mom texted me early Saturday morning (while I was at work) to say she couldn't come get them. Sorry, I can't help you because I'm at WORK! So, she's mad at me for not communicating and then upset that I can't help her...good times. So, both girls went to my sister's and the teen didn't go to the movie since she'd already told her friends she couldn't.

Wow, this sounds like a whole lotta complaining and a whole lotta jibberish, but I do feel better and this is my journal ;)

Overall, I guess I'd say things are still really good. I love these girls and I think that's what makes it hard. I just want what's best for them and some days I have a hard time seeing that happening. I know that these nearly 9 months have changed all of us for the better. I have witnessed progress in the teen. I have watched the little one grow a personality and learn lots of new things. I am a stronger (and "lighter"...people have been commenting even though I still can barely see the 8-11 pounds I've lost) person than I was. I am a better communicator (I think) and more flexible. I have definitely gotten closer to my own family and love being a parent.

Even though I never wrote my "One Word" post, I planned to use the word "trust" (I think...I never made a "commitment" which was another idea ;) ). Even though I have not been very good at making quiet, reflective time for me lately, at the end of the day, I know I need to trust God and His plan for me and the girls. I trusted Him to bring the "perfect kids" and He definitely delivered there :)

Okay, enough rambling. I need to bring my computer in for a couple of days (super annoying since I bought a Mac in hopes of not having troubles!) and maybe that will push me to make better use of my time.

Good night.

Eight Months

Eight months ago, the girls spent their first night here. Tonight, they are spending the second night at their mom's for their first planned overnight visit weekend. Re-reading posts from the first night/month they were here was probably not the best way to not be upset about the empty house! However, I went out last night, worked a 12-hour shift today, (drank a "Berry beer"), and work another 12-hour shift, so that has helped me not feel quite so lonely (plus, it's barely after 10 and I'm hoping I type fast because I'm about to fall asleep!) I'm thankful that not only am I working this weekend, but I also work two weekends from now when they are next scheduled to spend the weekend there. Next weekend, I'm off and the teen has been talking about an event she'd like to attend on Sunday for over a month, so I'm glad I'll be able to take her :)

This week was filled with lots of "talking it out". I feel like I'll talk to anyone who will listen and am getting a lot of free therapy (much needed and appreciated!) Monday, I met with the doctor about my PCOD and she got an earful (I'm sure she wasn't expecting that!), and later met with my counselor (LOVE her!) Tuesday, I talked to the teen's counselor and also to the agency caseworker. Wednesday, I worked and talked to the mom of one of our chronically ill patients about the transition, general parenting, the challenges both of us have faced, etc. Nothing like a captive audience ;) (Plus, I'm pretty sure she enjoyed talking about something OTHER than her sick child!). Thursday, I had lunch with a friend I've known since junior high (I used to baby-sit her kids and now they are 15 and 19!), but haven't seen in a very long time. Yesterday, I met with my Spiritual Director and had dinner/drinks with a high school friend I also hadn't seen in months. Today, I had a faith conversation with the mom of one of our cancer patients who apparently was just diagnosed with breast cancer (she's my age, her son is 4 and already went through one round of treatment, but the cancer came back...yeah, totally sucks!)

That is lots and lots of talking!

Talking is good, but I'm going to try and make myself spend some time in the quiet.

It appears there is going to be a bit more quiet around here, but it will take a conscious effort for me to actually keep it quiet and free from distractions, at least for a few minutes each day.

I really realized it yesterday as we were beginning my meeting with the Spiritual Director. I was thinking that maybe balancing out my hormones and practicing mind over matter helped the tears disappear for a while. Then, we quieted ourselves and as soon as she began to speak, the tears began to fall, dripping through my closed eyes as I listened to her softly spoken words, the only sound in the quiet room. It hit me then that I need to create some quiet. I am very good at avoiding the tough stuff (although maybe not as good as the teen!) and keeping a super busy schedule leaves little time to actually think about what is happening in and around me.

I purchased the new "bloom book club" book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, and just started reading it. On page 21, she writes "'...maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds'...There's a reason I am not writing the story and God is. He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means..." I haven't written about it yet, but I'm "pretty sure" that my word for 2011 is "Trust" (I ought to choose "Commit"...ha!)  Spending time reading this book in my "quiet time" is something I need to/want to do.

After eight months, it is weird to be "alone" in my house, even though I lived for years this way. I am glad that I am almost too tired to miss them that much, but I do miss them (I actually missed them more during the day thinking about them not being here when I got home than once I really got home.) I knew eight months ago that it would be "temporary", but from the sounds of that first post, I also knew that I would love them...and the end of this "season" would be hard no matter how long it lasted (I still have no clue how long it will be!)

Well, I suppose I should get some sleep, since it's back to work (taking care of two kids with cancer plus another chronically sick child) and then picking up the girls. I have no clue what I will be picking up because this is a different "routine" for them too. I'll need a bit of extra energy to make it through, so...

Good night.

Conflicted

It's been a while since I felt the "need" to journal as much as I did today. I found myself struggling throughout the day to hold back the tears, just wishing that I could come home and let it all out. There were definitely points throughout the day where the tears ALMOST welled over onto my cheeks, but I'm glad they didn't.

Today was my first day back to work since the news aired the story with my first date. Of course, it was the topic of conversation throughout the day, and I even watched the footage a couple of times with people who had not seen it (apparently, it was also viewed numerous times during the shifts between Saturday night and today!) In many ways, it is fun that my co-workers can see that I CAN be a "fun girl", but in other ways, it stirred up even more conflict inside of me...

See, I have a problem. I'm not sure if it is a problem with "dating" or relationships or commitment or what, but I know that some of the times when I have cried the most were "cured" when I decided to quit dating. Well, I'm not sure if they were DIRECTLY related, but it sure did seem that way...super upset, crying all the time, then away with the boys and back to "myself" ;) This has been a big struggle for me, and one that I'm not even sure I have begun to understand. It's something I have avoided because I don't know how to deal with it, or even what the problem is to begin with. Granted, going to counseling late last year/early this year helped a ton in getting me to a place where I was happy with who I was, where I was and then becoming a foster mom has made be feel fulfilled in so many ways (and brought along conflicting emotions of it's own that is a whole post for another day!)

I was happy. Things were going great. And then, this guy shows up at church and I'm like "whoa, didn't see that coming"...but, you never really do see those kinds of things coming, do you?! And so, I was determined to take things slow, not to let my "big picture" personality get in the way of enjoying the moment, each moment, as I made my way into hoping just maybe this time one date would actually turn into two.

I was prepared to keep things quiet--tell a few select people (and those who read this blog...ha!) that I was talking to this guy I met from church who just "happened" to be the brother of a former co-worker...and we were even going to go have a "date". I have spent the past 6 1/2 months trying to make the most of each and every day with these girls, not taking a moment we are given together for granted and was hopeful that just maybe I was ready to do something similar in another relationship--just take each day as it comes, not jump too far into the future. I can not write history without living in the present. Trying to guess what the future holds can actually take some of the fun out of simply wondering what tomorrow will bring. (Okay, I'm starting to lose it in my exhausted state...I ought to get to the point and press publish post ;) )

My "best laid plans" went out the window when our first date was broadcast on the news and online for "all" to see. Not only did I have to tell my dad (who apparently "announced" on Sunday at the drug store that his daughter was on TV having the first date she has had in a LOOONNNGG time), but also my grandma, who will now continue to pester me about how things are going. I have tried to keep some of my personal life out of work, but that is no longer an option because now "everyone" knows I went on a date. For those of you who got to see the clip, it was followed by a clip of a couple who were engaged while we were there following their first date on the rink a year ago. Yes, it was a cute story. Yes, it will be neat to have that as "our story" IF this ends up being something long-term/forever, but I was planning to not let my mind go to "forever"...which I knew was going to be a tough task for my "big picture" thinking.

And so, I have allowed a few of my tears to fall (but my journaling was disrupted by my watching of the Biggest Loser finale) and it does always feel better to put my feelings down "on paper". In a way, I wish we could rewind and tell the reporter we weren't interested, but then I wouldn't have a story to tell. In a way, I would like to fast-forward to a time when people forget about that news clip and we can carry on, slowly but surely, to whatever is supposed to happen in this "relationship" (reminder: only been on one date!). However, I know that people will continue to ask questions, and I will have to learn how to respond to them...

I'm not one who usually quotes Bible verses, but I think this is a time when I need to remember this one: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

I know that God has plans for me...BIG plans for me ;)...and I STILL need to take it one day at a time, even when there is a news story out there that ends with "It could be the start of a storybook romance or at the very least a great first date story."

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other...and now it's time for me to go to sleep :) Good night.

Thankful for Thorns

This past Thursday, I attended a Thanksgiving retreat for the fourth year in a row. This facilitator called it "God Surprises Us", but did use the same basic program that was used when I attended the same retreat two years ago. However, with different people, a different facilitator, and being in a "different place", it didn't really seem like the same retreat. There was a wonderful balance between structured time together, time for sharing, and time alone to do whatever we needed to do. Last year was a lot more structured, but it worked too. I love having this blog so I can look back at where I was, what I was dealing with, and how. Looking back to the first year I attended this retreat, I recall how much I NEEDED that time away. I was just about to come upon the one year anniversary of a time at work when we lost something like fifteen of our patients in a couple of short months. That time was a much needed "break" from all that was happening at home/work. Actually, all four years were much needed "respite" from the busyness of life. This year was no exception.

The teen was at school and my sister agreed to watch the little one so I could go. My aunt went in for surgery for her breast cancer that day, so I was able to ask the group for extra prayers for that (speaking of...I haven't talked to my aunt OR sent her a card yet...bad niece!)

During our first time of quiet reflection, we were given this to ponder: "Think of a time when you experienced a happy surprise. An insight? Awareness of beauty? Discovering the depth of a friendship? Note the presence of God in the midst of these. Note whether or not you experienced gratitude. What are special blessings that you are receiving today? How does that awareness affect your life?"


I reflected on this foster parent journey I am on and how people continue to just "pop out of nowhere" exactly when I need reassurance, advice, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a reminder not to take things for granted. I have found the most amazing people online, which to most people I know "in real life" makes little-to-no sense. However, this is where I am free to write about my struggles and my frustrations, but also about the blessings of all that is happening in the world around me...even the struggles. I am able to see my growth in part because of what is "documented" here and because of those who have been walking this journey with me.

I listened to music (particularly, this album from Nicol Sponberg that I absolutely love...I listened to "You Are My God" and "He Remembers Me" a couple of times) and reflected on the trust and faith that have allowed me to see how perfect His timing is, and that He is with me every step on this journey of unknowns.

I flipped open the Bible and found Psalm 48:1--Great is the Lord and wholly to be praised in the city of our God. I then turned to Proverbs 10:22 (since my birthday is 10/22 and I'm a dork like that ;) )--It is the Lord's blessing that brings wealth, and no effort can substitute for it. Interesting...

The second session was looking at the struggles and challenges of life. We had been asked to reflect on our struggles and times when sad or difficult surprises interrupted our lives. The reflection stated, "It is one thing to be grateful for the obvious blessings in life...it is quite another thing to thank God for the hardships of life...Yet even the hardships of life can be viewed as blessings, for they often strengthen us and keep us aware of our absolute need for God."

We were then given an opportunity to share and I spoke of the blessing of the AMAZING nurse who cared for my grandfather on the day he passed away. That was an awful day, but it didn't seem quite so bad with her presence, kindness, and knowing EXACTLY what all of us needed in those moments. I also reflected on the challenges of parenting a teen and a toddler that are not "mine" while loving them as if they were. I try very hard not to stay in "struggle mode" for very long, especially since God has blessed me with people in my life who have shown me how to see the "gift of the thorn". The facilitator had someone read a story about being thankful for thorns. It is long, but I will post it at then end of this (already super long!) post :)

Above the couch where I was sitting for my reflecting was a picture that had this quote on the bottom: "Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads." ~Henry David Thoreau

After lunch, I went outside to walk the Labyrinth. It was something that I was really looking forward to doing this day, even though it was pretty chilly outside (I went out there without a jacket...oops!) It is amazing to me that I have walked it four times and had completely different experiences each time.

This year, I found myself focusing on being grateful for the unknown. The facilitator was a teacher/the campus minister at my high school when I was there. Sixteen years ago, I never would have imagined my life being like this. My fourteen-year-old self most definitely saw myself married with a couple of little kids (maybe four or five ;) ) I would not have chosen some of the things He has chosen for me to see and experience, but I would have missed out on the blessings going through those experiences brought me. As I walked the labyrinth, I realized that I did not know what was around the corner on this path, or my life's path. Because I have no idea what is around the corner, I need to make sure to enjoy this time, this place. None of us really knows what tomorrow holds, but my reality is that I have NO idea how much longer these girls will be living in my home. In the mean time, we will create special memories and I will look for teachable moments and opportunities to role model. Every day, I have decisions to make regarding the girls that will affect the future and their transition back home, while at the same time, I must live in the moment and treasure the time that I have with them. It is a conflicting place to be, but I know that God is with me, and I can feel Him, especially as He continues to send the right people to my life exactly when I need them most.

It was a great time away, and I am thankful for this "tradition"...and will strive to thank Him for my thorns.

Here is the story that was shared during the retreat. This is already as super long post, but I want to remember this time...and this story :)

The Thanksgiving “Special” Bouquet

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease.

During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren’t enough, her husband’s company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come. What’s worse, Sandra’s friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer.

“She has no idea what I’m feeling,” thought Sandra with a shudder.

Thanksgiving? Thankful for what? She wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an air bag that saved her life but took that of her child?

“Good afternoon, may I help you?” The shop clerk’s approach startled her.

“I...I need an arrangement,” stammered Sandra.

“For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving ‘Special’?” asked the shop clerk. “I’m convinced that flowers tell stories,” she continued. “Are you looking for something that conveys ‘gratitude’ this Thanksgiving?”

“Not exactly!” Sandra blurted out. “In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.”

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, “I have the perfect arrangement for you.”

Then the door’s small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, “Hi, Barbara...let me get your order.”

She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses; Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.

“Want this in a box?” asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer’s response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

“Yes, please,” Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. “You’d think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn’t be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again,” she said as she gently tapped her chest.

“Uh,” stammered Sandra, “that lady just left with, uh...she just left with no flowers!”

“Right,” said the clerk, “I cut off the flowers. That’s the Special. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.”

“Oh, come on, you can’t tell me someone is willing to pay for that!” exclaimed Sandra.

“Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today,” explained the clerk. “She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery.”

“That same year I had lost my husband,” continued the clerk, “and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel.” 

“So what did you do?” asked Sandra.

“I learned to be thankful for thorns,” answered the clerk quietly. “I’ve always thanked God for good things in life and never to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the ‘flowers’ of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God’s comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we’re afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others.”

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. “I guess the truth is, I don’t want comfort. I’ve lost a baby and I’m angry with God.”

Just then, someone else walked in the shop.

“Hy, Phil!” shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man.

“My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement...twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems,” laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

“Those are for your wife?” asked Sandra incredulously. “Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?”

“No...I’m glad you asked,” Phil replied. “Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord’s graced and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from “thorny” times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific ‘problem’ and give thanks for what that problem taught us.”

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, “I highly recommend the Special.”

“I don’t know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life,” Sandra said to the clerk. “It’s all too...fresh.”

“Well,” the clerk replied carefully, “my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God’s providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don’t resent the thorns.”

Tears rolled down Sandra’s cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment.

“I’ll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please,” she managed to choke out.

“I hoped you would,” said the clerk gently. “I’ll have them ready in a minute.”

“Thank you. What do I owe you?” Sarah asked.

“Nothing; nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year’s arrangement is always on me.” The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. “I’ll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first.”

It read:

“My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the life I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant.”

Praise Him for your roses, thank him for your thorns.

~Author Unknown