They Are Home

Tonight, I brought the girls (and a car filled to the brim with their things) to go live with their mom and their siblings. I'm not sure it will actually feel "real" until a week or so passes and they don't come back. The teen didn't have time to pack all her things and I'm pretty sure she has close to a car full left here. So, I will pick her up from school on Monday to bring her here to pack the rest (she also said she'd clean her room...maybe her bathroom too ;) ).

It was an exhausting week since I worked four out of five days (Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday), had appointments all day Tuesday, and worked at the pumpkin patch all day yesterday. But, we managed to have a good week, making as many memories as time allowed. The park pictures are actually from last week and the pumpkin patch pictures are from today.

Right now, I'm doing okay. I cried intermittently throughout the week. I had countless people asking me how I was doing which was really nice and appreciated, but I did sort of get tired of crying every time. I don't know what our future relationship will look like, but in some ways (if we are able to maintain contact) it could be better since it will be on their terms and not fighting hard to get back home. Their mom did say "thank you for everything" when I dropped them off which I'll take (since I was really annoyed that we hadn't heard a single word from her since she decided last Friday she wanted them back today...together, not the little one first like everyone else thought would be best). 

I haven't had a chance to watch the recording of Sara (Gitzen Girl)'s memorial service from last night and missed out on her funeral that was Wednesday. It has been so cool to see how many lives she touched! It seems like Sara was one of those people who made EVERYONE feel like she was their best friend...what a great trait to have! Anyway, I have been "tweeting" with her friends Tam and Alece who live in Nashville and am thinking about going there in a couple weeks with hopes to "hang out" with them (and see my "other mom" and relatives). I tried to make sure that this wasn't an attempt to run away from my problems, but I'm thinking of it more as having something to look forward to. For YEARS I went on vacation for my birthday and "missed" last year since I had two kids. So, it isn't completely out of character to travel on my birthday and I got a "blessing" from my mom to go (although she doesn't know about the "Internet people" portion of the trip...ha!) :) Now I need to figure out the details and just go for it.

Funny story from tonight that I want to remember and then I need to go to bed: I brought the girls to a restaurant that for some reason has been our "favorite" and we've gone to more than half a dozen times before bringing them to their mom. For some reason we had like three different waitresses come to our table (I think one was in training). The one who brought the bill asked if we were paying together or separate. We were in a booth with the little one next to me and the teen across from us. I tried not to laugh when I said just one check. Then, the teen and I cracked up when she left to get it. Then, she put the check much closer to the teen than to me which only made us laugh harder. I'm wondering what was going through her mind because obviously she didn't see me as the "adult" with these two kids. But, whose kid did she think the little one was? Neither of us? Hers? Mine? It makes me laugh thinking about it

Pretty sure I'll be back here more often than I have been...until the next time, good night.

Finding My Words

Ever since I read the words on Sara's blog last Wednesday saying that hospice had been brought into her home and her days left here would be few, I have been trying to find my words. That post came two days after I found out that my foster daughters could go home and their days left here in my home would also be few.

Every time I thought maybe I'd be able to find the words, I'd read another beautiful post by one of her friends (like Alece, Mandy and Shannon). I bawled reading this post and even though I kept reminding myself that I just needed to speak from my heart and be myself, I just couldn't do it. Even though this post put into words how you can be so incredibly sad to lose someone that you've never actually "met" (thank you social media), I still struggled. I was thankful for the nearly 700 comments on that post last Wednesday and the well over 100 links on this post to help me not feel so crazy to feel this way about someone I never actually met. I know that my family and friends who live here would NEVER understand, but I'm so grateful to have friends who do.

Finally, I'm sitting in a quiet house with a Green Apple Smirnoff and going to attempt to find some words to share.

I was trying to remember when and how I first came to know Sara (Gitzen Girl). However, I really can't remember. I think either it's one of those things that happened that didn't seem significant at the time, but ended up being something much bigger or something so "fabulous" that I can't remember my life without her blog in it ;)

I did do a little "research" and it appears that the first post I wrote that mentioned her was in February of 2009 in this post. It appears that the first time I actually left a comment on her blog was that same month on this post which is actually a very funny "Flashback Friday" about when she had someone get her chicken on a Friday during Lent since it "wasn't meat"...one of the many reasons people love Sara :)

The month after that, Sara was doing something called "Hump Day Giveaways" which again is super funny because who doesn't enjoy saying "Hump Day Giveaway"?! ;) I left a comment on this post, found out the following day I was a winner, and wrote a rather boastful post on my blog to celebrate. That canvas now hangs in my kitchen and it is a gift I will treasure forever.


In April 2010, I wrote about "bringing Sara" to Holy Week services with me and how that made it that much more special (FYI the rest of that post is really boring and all over the place, but I did write about that ;) ) Knowing Sara and her "circumstances" definitely helped change my views on a lot of things...I open the windows more, I play in the rain more, take more time to look at flowers and listen to nature, and hope I take less of my life and its blessings for granted.


In June 2010, I was completely "star struck" after being included in Gitz Bits (I sent her "Glee Gum") and had begun to refer to myself as a "Gitzen Girl Groupie" (or THE Gitzen Girl Groupie...excuse me ;) ) That was the month I became a foster parent and I was on the receiving end of many prayers and much love and support in that decision and the journey that followed.

The following month, Sara's dad died suddenly and I wrote in this (very long) post that I had read it while I was at work and was so sad for her, especially since she was unable to really be with her whole family during that time. A month or two ago, I shared with her that she and her parents were in one of my dreams. I wish I could get my twitter feed back that far since I don't remember everything, but I remember making some kind of comment to her dad about "checking out early" and he had some kind of sarcastic remark since obviously mine was a bit out of line...she told me that was the kind of response I would have gotten from him. There was more in that dream that I can't remember now, but I am glad I was able to share some of it with her.


In September, 2010, the "little one" (my then 3-year-old foster daughter) and I found this video.



I can't even tell you how many times we watched it or how many nights in a row she asked to "see Sara". I've watched it a few times this past week too because I have also wanted to "see Sara". This is the closest I ever really came to "seeing" her. We made plans to Skype a few times last fall, but it never worked out with her health/our schedules. Last September was the first time I remember telling her that "for real" seeing and/or talking to her was on my "Bucket List"...she laughed and/or made fun of me every time I said it (her exact words in a tweet were "oh my word, I'm not bucket list material, woman! Riley, maybe :)" ) The last tweet I could find from her was about six weeks ago before Jessica's visit. She was SO excited about that visit and I told her I was jealous of Jessica (no offense...she responded that I was jealous of the wrong person!) I reminded her of my "Bucket List" and she responded "we'll get that checked off someday, girl. then you can aim higher :)" Totally Sara :)

In October 2010, I participated in my first (and only) "Take Five Friday" and in December, I linked up to my one (and only) "You: Create" link-up. I was inspired to make a canvas for my teenage foster daughter's 16th birthday. Sara helped me figure out what to put on it by suggesting song lyrics. I decided to use lyrics from Lady Antebellum's song "I Was Here"--"I know it's my destiny to leave more than a trace of myself in this place." Those are some powerful words and I definitely know Sara is leaving WAY more than a trace of herself in this place.

I'm not sure why my "research" didn't find any posts from 2011, but I think it's because 2011 had more "tweets" and blog comments exchanged than anything else. Sara may have been a "big name blogger", but she had a way of making everyone feel like they were the most important person in the world to her. She prayed for you, she rejoiced with you, she cried with you, she was a cheerleader and a devoted friend and family member. In response to a comment I left on one of her (in)courage posts back in May, she told me "hi, sweet girl. you are doing such an amazing with those girls, and I know they will treasure these memories just as much as you do. much love!" That was written just a few days before I thought the girls were going home. Now, as I am just days away of them "for real" going home, they are exactly the words I need to hear. That is Sara...one of the many things about her that will be missed...

Hopefully my struggle to find my words wasn't too painful for anyone else to read, but this blog has always been for me and I want to remember this. It is a little "linky crazy", but at least all (or most) of my "Sara posts" will be in one place whenever I need a reminder to "Choose Joy". Sara is more precious to me than words can say. I regret that there are cards I bought for her that never were sent. I wish I really would have hopped in my car one day and drove to see her (honestly, I was more afraid of any "funky stuff" that I carried on me from being a pediatric nurse than afraid of being seen as a "crazy lady" for randomly showing up on her doorstep!) I'm not sure Sara ever could have met a stranger who didn't soon become her friend...and that is why there are "strangers" all over the world grieving over the fact that this world is losing an amazing person while also celebrating that in Heaven she will be free of the pain she faced on this Earth. Sara, you will be missed, but know that your legacy will live on in each and every person who has read your words, heard your story, been on the receiving end of a tweet/email/blog comment, etc. Who knew that a farm girl from Iowa who couldn't leave her condo could do so much good...only God...and I am SO very blessed that God chose me to be a part of it too. Thank you Sara. And, if any of her family happens upon this post...thanks for sharing Sara with all of us...my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.


Update: Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this post, drinking the last sip of my Green Apple Smirnoff, Sara was taking her last breath. I woke up at 6:00 this morning to get ready for work and saw the posts on twitter. I haven't exactly had time to process since I need to leave for work very shortly, but will be praying for her family and all who love her. I found a scrub top to wear to work that has hearts and stars and the words "Love", "Peace", and "Joy"...I will remember to "Choose Joy".


Also, if you clicked here from Jessica's site and were curious about the red square thumbnail...well, it was supposed to be this--a picture (from my phone) of my canvas on the wall in my kitchen. However, I obviously had some major technological difficulties and had no clue how to fix it ;)

We Have a Date

The caseworker met with mom today at noon to see how things were going with the boys and talk about transitioning the girls. We were all hopeful that the little one could go back first and then the teen a week or two after that. However, apparently mom was very opposed to that (I wasn't at the meeting, but the caseworker said she tried). So, both girls will be going home next Friday, September 30...nearly 16 months since they spent their first night here. I'm kind of numb at this point, but thankful that I have a week to prepare and very grateful for the extra time I was given with them. The caseworker told me she would be making frequent unannounced visits and told my agency worker she would be diligently checking school attendance records. I let them both know that I would be on the "safety plan" and I'm hopeful that we will remain in contact. I know that I need to establish clear boundaries and stick to them, so will need to spend some time thinking and praying about what things I would and would not be willing to do.

I was off all week long (I was called off on Monday and work the weekend), so we were able to spend some extra time together that I also wasn't anticipating. I'm going to say this is a good thing rather than thinking it will make the quietness even louder after being here all the time. I would appreciate your prayers for all of us during this next week and the days and weeks to follow as we adjust to the next phase of our lives.

Here is the Friday update on Sara (Gitzen Girl). She was in my dreams last night, so I thought maybe she had already passed away, but as of early this afternoon, she was resting, but holding on.

This Place

I have been trying and trying to get myself back to this place to write down all that's in my heart and on my mind. I love this place, this place where I have written about the ups and the downs and everything in between for over four years now. However, I haven't been able to make it here for one reason or another. It's been a week and a half since I found out the Judge said the girls could go home. It's been a week since I found out that Sweet Sara was entering hospice care and would be leaving this Earth much sooner than anyone who knows her would like. I've been trying to find the words, but every time I think I'm ready something happens and I can't get to this place to write. This emotional roller coaster ride I have been on for the past week and half has not been fun, but I don't want to ask to get off it because I'm afraid I won't like what's at the end.

So, one of these days (tomorrow, hopefully?!) I will write my "Gitzen Girl Groupie" post.

Tomorrow morning, the girls' mom goes back to court. I'm not sure why or what will be said, but she texted me at 8:00 tonight asking me to bring the girls with me. The teen is going to school, but I said I'd bring the little one. She's lucky I took the day off work to go or she wouldn't have been able to have her little one there to show everyone that she's Mother of the Year. I thought maybe I'd have another week with the little one, but now I'm not sure what's going to happen.

I was trying to use a coupon for a free book on $hutterfly that expires in a couple of hours and make the second edition of a memory book for the little one (with pictures from May until now since the first one is June 2010-May 2011). However, I'm thinking I need to rest up for tomorrow and will just have to pay for it when it's finished. Maybe I'll use the free coupon to get a copy of the first memory book for me to have.

It feels so nice to come back to this place...I have so much more that I want to/need to write, but it will have to wait for another day.

Good night.

9/22/11/ 1100 PM
Court update: Their mom texted me about 7:30 this morning to let me know that her aunt didn't think it would be appropriate for the little one to go to court and she should go to school. That was a relief to me and probably the best idea for everyone. Mom's lawyer didn't show up, so there wasn't actually a hearing (it was supposed to be a "review" anyway). The court report (from last week) stands and the girls can go home, but we are working out the details on when that is going to happen. The caseworkers will meet with mom tomorrow to see how things are going with her. I am anticipating that the little on will go home on the 30th and the teen 1-3 weeks after that. When court was over, their mom asked me for a ride home. Apparently, she didn't have money for the bus and had to borrow money from a friend to get there. Of course I gave her a ride because I'm not about to cause any tension or rifts between us for the sake of the kids and their best interest. The caseworker told me she is going to be making a number of unannounced visits to see how things are going, so that makes me feel better about them going home. Also, it sounds like I can be included in the "safety plan" (I'm not 100% clear on what this is, but apparently it is a legal document that says the girls can come to me if they need to after they go home...I will get a copy of it so know what it means.)


The girls continue to do great...the little one and I went to the park after dinner, the teen and I watched SVU and Parenthood after the little one was in bed. We are making the most of the time we have been given and will have many treasured memories from this time...been thinking a lot about Sara and all she has taught me...I'll get my post written one of these days when I find the words and make the time.

Choose Joy

Right now, I have no words besides this...

Not Home Yet

Quick update:
I did quite a bit of crying yesterday, but like I mentioned yesterday (or think I did), they aren't all tears of sadness. I told the teen about the court order when she got out of school and reiterated that I will ALWAYS be here for her and reminded her that I am VERY proud of her and so blessed to have been given this time with her. She didn't react positively or negatively to the news and I think it helped that I left the house for a while after telling her so she could process without anyone else around. Both caseworkers called me back AFTER I talked to her (one was on "vacation" and the other was out sick). There already was a family team meeting scheduled for today at 10, so that was "perfect timing" :)

Unfortunately, I was scheduled to work today, so had to call in sick in order to attend the meeting and find out the plan. Me being "out" left the floor short-staffed which only made me feel guilty for a split second which is "progress" for me. I knew where I needed to be today and it was not at work.

While I was driving to the meeting, I thought I was going to vomit. I was the first one there and the meeting started a bit late after everyone arrived. It was immediately obvious that their mom had no clue the Judge had ruled her kids could go home and I think that helped a TON in how the meeting went. We were able to "chit chat" for about 20 minutes before it came out that her kids could go home. Thankfully, she was "on board" with a sort of transition since apparently she could have said she wanted them all back today and there wasn't much anyone could do about it.

The decision was made that their brothers would officially go home on Friday. Mom and the caseworkers will meet a week after that to evaluate how things are going. Then, the girls will go home (or, possibly the little one for a bit and then the teen, but none of this has been worked out). So, I will have them here until at least September 23 (besides weekend visits).

Tonight we had the opportunity to go to the last minor league baseball game (I think it was maybe our fifth one of the season :) ). We all had a fun time as we always do at sporting events :) I'm thankful that the relationship I have with the teen has not changed since I told her she was going home. She is still chatty as ever telling me all about school and her friends (yes, I know I'm lucky/blessed!) I would be VERY surprised (and really sad) if she doesn't remain in contact with me on a fairly regular basis. We talk all the time and I think she will miss that as much as I do (or almost anyway!)

So, that's the update. I have to work tomorrow, so better head to bed :)
Good night.

15 Months Plus 1 Week

The girls have been living here for 15 months plus 1 week (their first night here was June 5, 2010). This morning, I received a call from the GAL that the court report came back and the Judge said the kids can go home. We have waited nearly 17 weeks for that report, but it still came as a shock and brought me to tears (and many more tears in the 2 hours since). She is hoping there will be a slow transition, but I'm not sure how much control she has now that the report says "home". I haven't talked to my agency worker or the caseworker to find out anything. There is/was a scheduled Family Team Meeting for tomorrow, so hopefully the girls won't go home tonight and we can have that meeting tomorrow to discuss details. I was scheduled to work, but am going to call in sick so I can find out the plan and hopefully participate in the planning. I hope I can make it through without crying because it isn't all sadness...I've been preparing for this day since I decided to become a foster parent. There are so many times during these past 15 months that I thought they were going home and they didn't. So, hearing those words did seem to come "out of the blue" since we've been waiting so long for them. However, that didn't make it any easier to hear. Just before getting that call, though, I was at Curves talking to the owner and she said "it's almost like you have come to the conclusion that your 'work' with them is done and it's time to 'move on' to the next stage". I agree...the post that has been in my head that never made it here was about "independence" and how I have given that to both of them (and been given some myself too) so they are now prepared to face whatever comes. I am very proud of myself and them for how much we have grown during these past 15 months.

More to come...

Summer 2010 

(my most used picture of them on this blog ;) )

Summer 2011

Fifteen Months

Tomorrow marks fifteen months since the girls spent their first night here. At that time, they had already been living in foster care for five months and I was basically told to expect a pretty short placement. I thought they were going home a year ago, nine months ago, six months ago, fifteen weeks ago...and yet here they still are. We love our time together and have so many memories (and HUNDREDS of pictures) from these fifteen months. However, this back and forth and the unknown is "starting" to get pretty old. Granted, I still think their mom's "mothering" leaves much to be desired, but they have already spent 20 months living apart from their siblings and I have a hard time saying that is "right". She frustrates me and disappoints me, but I honestly think that it is probably time to "move on" to the next phase of our relationship where I will hopefully be a mentor/support to them for the rest of our lives.

Here is a slide show of pictures from August which include a trip to the park, a trip Downtown to feed the ducks, a birthday celebration, and a baseball game.

The teen was having WAY too much fun taking horrible pictures of me at the baseball game. She thought it was hilarious. I wasn't 100% excited about them and really could have chosen not to put them on my blog, but I want to remember everything from this time, so here ya go ;)

Yesterday, I spent the day with one of my mom's sisters. She fixed a couple of the little one's outfits and then invited me to go to a football watching party with her, my uncle, and their friends. I wasn't expecting that and hadn't showered, but went anyway and had a really fun time. Before the game, she and I had a really nice visit and she let me "vent" about a lot of things (mostly frustrations with my family). I shared with her my disappointment that even after fifteen months, the girls are still kind of "extras" to my mom. We changed our birthday celebration plans mostly due to my mom expressing that two "extras" made a fancy dinner kind of expensive. It's hard for me to see how my sister having three people in her family and me having three people in my family is different, but I guess to her it is. Also, I tried not to be disappointed when the little one opened her birthday gift from my parents to find colored pencils and post-it notes. I realize that it really is the thought that counts and she was excited anyway, but they never would have gotten something like that for my nephew (today we went and had pedicures and she shared that they bought him a "roller coaster" as an early Christmas present). I know that all parents just do the best they can and there always is some kind of "sibling rivalry" even with the best of parents, so I'm trying very hard not to take things personally. It was very nice to have someone in the family to talk to as well as having this blog (and scheduled appointments to see my therapist and my spiritual director this week are coming at the perfect time) to vent.

Well, I'm not sure what is going on with the formatting today, but hopefully this isn't too hard to read. Last weekend, I ripped out the carpet in my living room and found some beautiful oak floors. Today I hope to paint the baseboards because they are getting refinished on Thursday and Friday. I bought new couches too and am VERY excited to see how everything all comes together (and proud of myself for doing almost everything by myself!) For sure there will be pictures when it's all done. The girls' mom expressed interest in having my old couch, so hopefully she will come through and pick it up on Tuesday to have that done (I offered her a bed back in January and that is still sitting in my basement...she says she still wants it).

Until the next time...