Enjoying the Time

Yesterday I was SO crabby, so I went to bed at 10. I still think I need a nap today to rid myself of the crabbiness ;) The text message from Wednesday has me completely stressed out that some "random" text message (or phone call) is going to come and change my world as I know it. Yesterday, the day care was closed (I didn't know that when I scheduled myself to work...she wasn't even IN day care at that time!) and the teen is on Spring Break. So, I tried to get the day off since my mom and sister were busy and I didn't want the teen having to watch her for 13 hours. Plus, I had no clue if someone was just going to come get the girls randomly while I was at work and that thought made me ill. I know I should have just called in sick, but since I wasn't "sick", I always think that it's going to MAKE me sick if I do that! We had an "extra" nurse scheduled...or so I thought. I got a call at 5:00 AM telling me I could be "on call" which would have at least given me some extra sleep that was really needed. Then, I got a call at 6:00 AM telling me I had to come in (and be there by 7). Needless to say, I was super crabby when I got there and it was a super busy and not at all fun day...and probably wouldn't have been a great day even if I had been there with a positive attitude (which I was not).

All day long, I was stressed out that one of the times I checked my phone (we aren't supposed to have them with us), there would be a message from someone. But, my anxiety was for nothing because I heard from nobody--not their mom, not the service coordinator, and not the caseworker (even though I left her three messages). When I got home, I asked the teen if she had talked to her mom and she said she had thought about calling her, but I don't think she actually did ("red flag" or "teenager"?!) My parents did pick them up for dinner and both my mom and I checked in on them periodically, so I did feel a little bit better about leaving them alone for 13 hours!

When I got home, they were playing outside in the backyard, which I thought was really nice. After I played for a little while, we came inside to color Easter eggs. The teen didn't want to help us, but the little one and I had a fun time (even though we did it "super fast"). It was a kind of stressful bed time, since she kept asking what we were going to do "after this nap". I guess I could honestly tell her I didn't know, but the not knowing is really not enjoyable.

Once it hit 8:15 AM, I decided that their mom wasn't going to call to come get them today (or ask me to bring them)...or, if she did, then that was too late of notice for us and it wouldn't work with "our plans". So, I woke up the little one by telling her we were going to see her friends and go on an Easter egg hunt. She woke right up in a pleasant mood and we were off by 9:20 :) I left a note for the teen letting her know where we were and we left for the morning/early afternoon. She didn't want anything to do with the finding eggs (or picking the eggs up off the ground as the case was for the "hunt"), but did have fun getting her face painted (she wanted a "heart" and a "shirt" on her cheeks...ha!), playing carnival games, and jumping in the bouncy castle/house. We had BK for lunch (I have had entirely TOO many French fries the past two weeks...yikes!) and got home by 2:00 for her nap. I've only briefly seen the teen since I've been home, so am not sure if her mom called while we were gone (or if she called her). Again, I have no idea what the plans are for them tomorrow. In my opinion, it's kind of late notice to "plan" anything, but if she comes to get them before we leave for 11:00 church and can get them back here "at some point", than that is fine. However, I am not bringing them anywhere besides church and my family gathering(s).

I "strongly dislike" having no idea what is going on and feeling like I have no control. However, I know I need to focus on the time we have and was encouraged by the conversations I had with the GAL this week. Nothing "permanent" can happen without a court order and that date is currently set for May 31. So, I need to enjoy this and let go of the anxiety as much as possible. I think it's time for a nap :)

I love how close the scissors are ;)

She LOVED this :)

I did let her wear brown shoes with her black tights ;)

Still Tough

I was driving to meet with my spiritual director and had this whole blog post in my head. However, I cannot seem to remember what I wanted to write. My meeting with her came at the perfect time because I'm still struggling even though I saw that rainbow and am trusting Him and His plan...and I took a nap today :)

While I was at the funeral of my choir director's husband, my sister left me a message. My grandpa had been taken to the hospital by ambulance and had gotten an emergency pacemaker. He had gotten better at my hospital and left last week for rehab. This morning, he went to his doctor and things didn't look that great. Unfortunately, he was brought to the nearest hospital and not the one where I work. My sister went to be with my grandma and ended up spending three+ hours there with her helping. I'm really proud of her and that isn't something I would have ever expected her to do. She called her husband to come watch her nephew and she went...wow! Apparently, my sister was less-than-impressed with the people and care there which is unfortunate. So, hopefully he won't be there long. I was only able to visit for a short time this afternoon since the girls were at a visit and the older one didn't have a key to get in if they beat me home. He didn't really look very well to me and had been hallucinating since the surgery, and speaking "randomly". Likely just effects from the anesthesia, but still not very much fun. My grandma seems to be holding up well.

I signed up to work a shift on the adult transplant unit, so hopefully I will get to work at least three shifts next week.

Tomorrow is our annual transplant reunion. I always love seeing our transplant patients who are out there living life rather than just seeing the ones in the hospital who are sick. Sunday, we are taking a family day trip to celebrate my other grandpa's 85th birthday. The girls can't come with us, but it will be a fun time with the rest of my extended family.

I'm feeling a bit "off" and am hoping this all wears off soon because it isn't much fun. Thankfully, the little one was back to being her sweet little self today with good hearing. :)

I'd better head to bed.
Good night.

Watch Your Wishes

So, how many times have I said I missed work, how I really wanted to go back to work, how I NEEDED to go back to work?! Well, I definitely had to fight off the complaints today because I was EXTREMELY close to saying that I REALLY wanted to be at home! My days of staying up late caught up to me me and I am POOPED! My neck also still hurts which is really annoying (I AM getting a pedicure in the morning, so hopefully they have a massage chair that can at least do a LITTLE something with that!) It honestly shouldn't have been a bad day since I didn't have a "full load" of patients. However, my new patient came right at the time I wanted to eat lunch and my other patient had stuff that needed to be done. Needless to say, as hard as I tried to tell myself differently, I still found that having a 3:30 lunch is "really crappy". I actually felt awful by that point since I was tired and hungry and crabby and a little stressed...and reminding myself that I wanted/needed to work and that I do love my job.

I should be in bed asleep, but have been doing a little bit of catching up on twitter and blogs and some DVR shows (and having a green apple smirnoff :) ) But, my drink is almost finished and I'm fading fast, so should go to bed. I signed up for some extra shifts, but am not sure if I will get them. However, if I DO, then I'll need to get some sleep in order to function during them!

Pedicure in the morning...theme party at night...(Crazy pants or No pants...that will be interesting!) These are the same people who had the party to honor pizza delivery drivers...crazy folks, but fun party (have to work on Sunday, so not LATE partying, but good times :) )

Even though I got crabby and hungry and tired, I still love my job...and wishing to go back there is okay :)

Where to begin?

So, I have no business being awake after 10:00 tonight. I am tired and crabby and don't even know where to begin to explain all that was "this week". Why I decided that working five 12-hour shifts in 7 days, a 2 hour meeting on another day, and a night with 3 1/2 hours of sleep was a good idea is beyond me. Of course, I may forget about this week when my pay check with all those extra hours comes...or I may still be recovering.

This week we had terrible weather...the worst in YEARS! People cancelled Christmas with family. Some nurses from my floor couldn't make it back to work today since some major roads are closed. There were blizzard-like conditions and the snow lasted for a long time. It is really not fun to have a white Christmas like that when you are a grown up and work at a place that does not close for the holiday. Let's just put it bluntly "it sucks". Ok, so I'm super lucky that my dad drove me to work yesterday morning, picked me up, and brought me back again today after I spent the night there. However, I'm not sure how I'm EVER going to get to leave my house in my car any time soon...

View from my front porch...nice.

Yep, my Jetta is definitely in that garage...

And that snow on the driveway is MUCH more than a "dusting"...

anyone want to come help shovel?!

Yeah, SO not fun...tomorrow morning will be interesting (my mom did say she would pick me up and take me to Mass, but hopefully I can also get a ride home so I can spend some time here before we do our family Christmas...after five 12-hour shifts this week, I REALLY just want to be home!)

And, since I'm already crabby and "ranting", how about that the snow definitely didn't make the experience of Christmas in the hospital any better. Only about half of the patients on my floor had parents come "visit" them yesterday. Yeah, Christmas in the hospital WITHOUT your mom or dad. Just imagine how much fun it is to be the nurse of the one, five, eight, ten year old patient who are just sad because their parents aren't there to celebrate Christmas with them. Okay, so I'm "sure" the parents were sad to miss Christmas too, but it was a rough day for all of us stuck in the hospital on the Blizzard Christmas of 2009...

I had noodles with cheese for dinner again tonight and really should have gone to bed hours ago...

I'm tired and crabby, but not NEARLY as cute as him, so I'd better catch some zzz's...it's going to take some muscle to clear that snow (oh, that reminds me that my dad high-centered his Highlander this morning when we were leaving and my multiple attempts to push it out of the snow bank were futile and left me with some pretty sore muscles...nice!)

Yeah, I'd better go to bed. Good night!

Good Thing

Good thing I'm scheduled to see my counselor tomorrow. We skipped last week because she was snowed in (and it was the day I had my mom's car when my car was getting new tires). I still just feel "off" and hope that talking it out with an "outside" person helps. I'm not sure what it is...maybe that it doesn't feel like Christmas even though I've spent WAY too much money buying gifts (I love buying gifts for people, though, especially at Christmas :o) ) I think that I should just forget about putting up the tree at this point (unless I just use the little one from my apartment). I do, however, need to at least open the box of Christmas stuff to see if I bought any cards last year for this year because I can't remember. It also would be nice to get my Christmas Cookie scented candles out and burning :o) It also could be that I'm just worn out (plus I haven't been eating very well...I've never been one to let myself go hungry [which is quite obvious] but lately it has either been too much work to figure out what I want or I've been at work when there has been little time to eat...) plus I haven't been able to work out since I've been so busy (the woman who owns "my" Curves told me I need to come back...I think I've only worked out maybe three times in the past two months, maybe five times in the past three months) Or, maybe it's time for my monthly visitor...I don't really keep track, but suppose it could be close. In any case, it's a good thing I get to see the counselor in the morning!

I spent most of the day away from home again today between a morning meeting, delivering Christmas presents to the family my family adopted for Christmas (that was fun!), running errands, and choir practice. So, I'm thinking I should head to bed to try and get rid of Crabby McCrabby who is trying to take over (that's what I so kindly called one of the patients I had on Monday and Tuesday...that was one fussy baby!)

Good night.

Edited to add--So, I was getting ready for bed and remembered that I had Burger King for lunch, and have been drinking my coffee with "full fat" flavored cream, so I'm not exactly "starving"...and no one should worry about me developing a disorder. Okay, now that it is midnight I really should go to bed (I had to play a couple songs on my piano before getting ready for bed :o) )

Appreciated

Warning--even though I found this quote "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." ~Oscar Wilde, this is going to be a "work rant" and one that I probably am only "safe" to write because, to my knowledge, there is nothing here to link me to where I work.

It's just after 11:00 and I feel like I have just now "recovered". Even still, I'm going to "rant away" because I think I will sleep better once everything is off my chest.

It has been SO crazy busy at work. I'm not sure what it is, but I can't remember the last time I could sit down for 10 minutes of piece and quiet. For weeks I have carried the same packet of oatmeal to and from work because there never was time to eat it. I bring a container of milk and a package of Carnation Instant Breakfast to have for "breakfast" and there have been days that it has been hard to even take the time to chug that (yesterday it was 12:30 by the time I could "drink my breakfast"). My favorite part of working on my floor is being able to talk to the families, maybe cuddle with a sick little one every once in a while. Recently, I haven't been able to do that and I suppose that could contribute to the "work funk". I guess I have also had a student working with me the past five weeks which has been a help at times, but also means that I need to do things a little differently (because, really, who wants to listen to me be a "Chatty Cathy"?!)

I briefly mentioned that there was a particular patient whose nurses ended up having to be assigned alphabetically on a rotating basis. My manager put this into effect because she cares so much about her staff and this family had become so horrendous to work with that people were dreading to come to work (while others refused to take their "turn"). They weren't ALWAYS terrible, and I had been fortunate to care for the child mostly on good days. The child was due to go home today after weeks of preparation. People had spent hours working to make sure it would be a smooth transition to home, all the "ducks were in a row", everyone was on the same page, and today would be "the day". Yesterday I semi-volunteered to take that on if someone who had never taken the child was "scheduled". Well, as it turned out, my "letter" was up anyway. Yay me! However, being naive, I honestly didn't think it would be "that bad". I take on complex discharges all the time...heck, I just did one yesterday! Plus, I had my student to help with the other two patients, right?!

So much for my "rainbows and daisies" plan because that SO did not happen! One of my patients had been really fussy for a couple days and the NP decided to run some extra tests which required a little bit of coordinating. My patient that was to go home needed labs drawn and coordination with the home health company which took nearly an hour. Then, my poor student has the worst IV luck of anyone I've ever met. Every.single.patient we had with a peripheral IV had it fall out during our shift and a new one had to be placed. I honestly don't think it had anything to do with her care, it just happened every.single.time and it was SO hard not to make it seem like I was upset with her because it wasn't like she TRIED to pull out IVs so the kids had to be stuck again, it just makes so much more work (and, of course, pain for the child...that's important to remember I suppose!) At noon, she noticed the IV was out...right in the middle of doctor's rounds, right when I was supposed to start the final medication before my "difficult" patient could go home. GREAT!

I had managed to drink my breakfast by 9:30, but by 1:15 my stomach was telling me that it was VERY hungry. By 1:45 the new IV we put in had already fallen out and I seriously was starting to feel sick because I was so tired and hungry...and the parents (of course) arrived shortly there after to pick up their child to go home. I didn't have the paperwork done yet, the pharmacist wasn't quite done with that part, and I NEEDED to eat. The dad muttered some comment about "us" knowing for weeks they were leaving today and everything should be done already. Well, some things just can't be done until the day of discharge and I DO have other patients with needs thankyouverymuch. I could feel the tears coming and knew I wouldn't be able to deal with getting yelled at without bursting into tears, so I went to lunch...it was 2:30 and the pharmacist had just wrapped up her portion that I still needed to review, so I "delegated" that task to my student.

Halfway through my lunch, I get a call to my phone that they were "ready to go". Seriously. I was angry, frustrated, tired, hungry, and so I just cried (oh yeah, they wanted lab results printed at this time too). I finished eating, pulled myself together, and grabbed the paperwork to finish making sure all was as it was supposed to be. When I finished, they literally were waiting by the door with their coats on. Come on, now, people, you have been in the hospital for MONTHS and you aren't going to give me 30 minutes to eat my freaking lunch?! Since I had "regrouped", I made them go BACK to their room to go over the instructions (I'm sure that royally pissed them off, but at that point, I really didn't care...especially since I heard that the dad was saying all sorts of nasty things while "waiting" for me...)

And then, they left...at 3:15...pretty sure without any thank yous...at least not to me. They didn't care that nearly an army of people worked together to make going home possible. They didn't care that it took me just over an hour to get everything organized once they got there (or that I'd done probably an hours worth of organizing BEFORE they got there). I think their lack of appreciation for anything is part of what led to the burn-out. It is much easier to work really hard and help people who appreciate the effort, but when you are constantly met with rudeness and unkindness, it completely takes the fun out of it.

But, they were gone...and the day did get better (although becoming that stressed and emotional took a great deal of energy...it took me quite a long time to stop feeling all jumbled up inside). The doctors who helped me with the discharge gave me many-a-thanks and even bought cookies for us thanking us for all our hard work. One of them told me she was really glad I was the nurse for this patient. My student gave me a nice thank-you note that I shared with my manager. The parents of my OTHER two patients were very sweet...and gracious. My manager told me that my name came up in a meeting with a bunch of the "higher ups" in regards to my participation on one of the committees...apparently I am representing our unit well and others are noticing, and showing their "appreciation".

Well, this took nearly an hour for me to sort out and "on paper" it's hard to see why I was such a mess, but it really was crappy. It is hard for me not to be able to please people and I hadn't prepared myself for the fact that they likely were not going to appreciate my efforts (or the efforts of others who did even more work than I did)...as if I would have been able to put forth half effort because that's all they "deserved"! My heart and soul are in my work and it definitely hurts when I am treated that way (okay, so I tried for 10 minutes to come up with a better way to end that sentence, but couldn't!)

Feeling appreciated is huge...and being unappreciated/under-appreciated is not at all fun. So, at the end of this day, after writing about the rough moments, I realize there were also some good things that happened today. Just because one family was awful, my day should not have been ruined...and it ended up being "salvageable", especially when I got to go to the Christmas party with patients and their families (usually I volunteer to help, but this year I had to work!)

On a couple different notes, I am excited for the second "Bloom" book club book. Even though I have a copy, I never did read the first one (Crazy Love). I purchased the second book a month ago, but have not started reading. I think I will plan to read along this time because this book sounds very interesting to me. From the looks of it, it is about two men from very different backgrounds who become friends...and it is a true story (hmm, maybe I should write a book...ha!) It is called "Same Kind of Different As Me"...and is currently on sale for $7.99 here.

And, something very exciting is happening at my house tomorrow! I haven't committed to putting up my Christmas decorations since it is already going to be the 16th, but maybe I will either before or after the "excitement" :o)

I have the next three days off (besides a meeting)...thank goodness!
Good night.

Snowed in

The last time I wrote, I was "preparing myself for the worst" with a co-workers feelings about her patient assignment. Well, as soon as I arrived at work, that feeling went away since "her" patient had gone to the ICU overnight and she just had to laugh at it being her "turn" for the "assigned" patient. Then, we became aware that one of our co-workers had been in a bad car accident the night prior and the thoughts quickly turned to that (oh how much I hate to drive, ESPECIALLY in the winter!). It was a super crazy and not very fun day for me...maybe because it was my third day in a row and I was just tired, but I was really crabby and couldn't wait to get home! Of course, it was one of those shifts that would never end and I want to say it was nearly 8:30 by the time I clocked out and was on my way home. That is a LONG day!

I was in bed by 10:15 and just slept and slept until finally rolling out of bed around 12:15. And, even then, it was simply rolling out of bed and onto the couch. I hardly left the couch all day long, even though I REALLY wanted to be productive. At one point during the day, I was in tears because I just could NOT bring myself to do anything and just felt terrible. And so, I just sat staring at my computer, watching facebook, twitter, and google reader updates with the television on as the snow fell outside. I wasn't about to leave the house with that much snow coming down--there was no way my Jetta would make it out of my neighborhood. I missed the baby shower at work for my "favorite" charge nurse. I didn't have any eggs so couldn't make pumpkin bars or do any kind of baking really. For some reason I still have yet to find motivation to get out any Christmas decorations. It was a "snow day" for the teachers and students who probably enjoyed having an unexpected day off. But, I guess for me, it was simply a "break" after three days that somehow drained me of any energy and motivation. And so, I did nothing...well, I SUPPOSE I did run the dishwasher (and put away "most" of the dishes), did a load of laundry (and a half...still have some in the washer that I'll probably regret not drying), and did one round of shoveling (that was some HEAVY snow...I was going to go back out, but there was supposed to be about 5 inches more after I shoveled, so it didn't seem worth the energy). But, I mostly felt like a bump on a log...in a "lovely" little funk.

And, it's back to work tomorrow for more "fun". My mom is going to pick me up and bring me to work so I don't have to figure out how to drive my Jetta in nine inches of blowing snow out of an unplowed neighborhood up multiple hills (or walk the 1.2 miles to work in blizzard conditions). I hope I get good patients and have a calm day...I really need one of those!

I still am planning on writing a Christmas letter. I think enough happened in 2009 that I would feel okay doing one of those. I typically write personal notes, but my hand will get tired writing about everything to everyone! Last year, I made a collage to include with my card (I think I sent a picture of my house the year before that since I bought it from my parents January 2, 2007). I had a hard time picking pictures for my collage and have still not decided if this will be the final version. I made it in Picasa and it is sized 5 x 7. I have not figured out how much it will cost to print that many 5 x 7s (or know what it will actually look like when printed in 5x7...plus, 5x7 is pretty huge to send to people for a Christmas card, so it will be interesting to see if it prints okay in 4x6...) So, this is the "draft" (it is actually draft #2 because after I made the first one, I realized there were no pictures of my sister or my brother-in-law...oops!)

Starting from upper left, going clockwise, I will try to "explain" the pictures (and keep them in order...there are a lot of pictures since it was hard to choose!)--me and my "friend from Curves" after my performance in June; my mom, my parents' neighbors, and me in the limo in Vegas; a picture Ginger took of me in Chicago; me and my nephew at the pumpkin patch; my brother-in-law and nephew at the pumpkin patch; me and my nephew at Thanksgiving; my aunt, uncle, and me in Vegas; my cousins and me when I went to my cousin's graduation in May; the picture my mom took at the concert last week; me with my high school friend at her baby's Baptism; me and a work friend in Montreal; Ginger, Lauren, and me on the boat tour in Chicago; Ginger and me when she came to visit; me turning 30 in Vegas; my sister and me on my sister's birthday; me on the day my nephew was born; the middle picture is me with some girlfriends from high school (I'm contemplating taking that one out since it would make the other pictures bigger, but haven't decided yet)...

Any thoughts...pictures maybe I should have included, but didn't, pictures that could be taken out, is it an overwhelming number of pictures?? I went out of town four times this year, so wanted to include those. I didn't include any pictures from any of our many extended family gatherings, so maybe I should change some things around to include those...or, this is MY Christmas collage, so it should be about ME?! In that case, it would be fun to have pictures of all of my friends, but I think this includes "most" of the friends I saw this year...for reference, last year's collage is in this post.

Well, it's 11:30 and even though I showered tonight, I still need to get up earlier that usual so maybe I can shovel a little bit (or at least make SURE I am ready when my mom gets here to pick me up!)

Hoping my "funk" is gone by the morning.
Good night.

Another Funk?!

Boy, do I feel out of sorts! While my past couple of posts have been somewhat silly, they also show what kind of funk I've been in. My three work days this week really were crappy and I was SOOOO crabby...well, I FELT crabby, not exactly sure what other people would say to describe how I was acting. I stayed up way too late every night, so also worked on very little sleep which either contributed to, or was the cause of the horrible way I felt. Things were really busy on the unit and I also had a couple patients (two of my three) who were what my mom would call "energy vampires" and every little thing they did irritated me and I was spinning around like a Tasmanian devil (one of my co-workers actually did compare me to that) and could not hear myself think...

And, since one of the things the counselor told me is that I spend a LOT of time in my head. I think A LOT...so, I suppose when I can't hear myself think that creates quite a problem! It was an awful feeling and I really was pretty crabby from early on Wednesday all the way through about three o'clock in the afternoon yesterday (Friday). By that time, things settled down a little bit for me, or it was like a switch turned and I was all of a sudden "ok". I was able to help out one of the other nurses who was busy and offer help to the other nurses, something I hadn't been able to do.

However, even though I got sleep last night, my funk was not quite finished. My best friend from high school asked me to be her son's Godmother and this morning was his Baptism. Her father-in-law is a Deacon, so it was a private Baptism and it was really nice. After the Baptism, I ran a couple errands and relaxed at home for a little while before going to their house for a party and football. Oh, did I mention that it SNOWED last night...I don't ever remember it snowing before my birthday! And, I finally turned on the heat on my house when it reached 54 degrees inside. Anyway, at the party, my friend's dad asked me what was new with me, etc. Usually, I can't WAIT to tell people all about my life, what I've been up to, how great things are, but for some reason I was irritated by him talking to me and admit to being pretty short with my answers. Even in the moment I knew I was being really rude, but didn't really do anything to change it. I actually was pretty quiet today and didn't feel much like talking at all, so watched football and rested my eyes, and played with the kids. It was fun spending time with my friend after everyone else left, but I think I was too tired to truly enjoy myself, and be myself.

Driving home, I drove on the stretch of road where the sister of a girl I went through grade school and high school was killed on Thursday. This was the first time I had been on that part of the highway and it felt "weird". Today also would have been the sixth birthday of a patient whose family was/is very special to me. He passed away two years ago last month...

Then, after I got home, my mom called me. I haven't talked to her in days, but, again, was pretty "short" with her and didn't feel like chatting. That is SO unlike me because typically I could talk anyone's ear off!

Tomorrow is my hospital's annual Perinatal/Pediatric Memorial Service. I like being involved with this event, but am not as excited about it as I was hoping. I was supposed to be the "co-chair" of the committee, but someone else took over pretty much everything (not the other co-chair) and didn't let anyone else give input. I am sure it will be nice, but it is hard because I was really looking forward to having some ownership in making it special. I also have two tickets to a concert. I am really excited about seeing this Christian group and know quite a few of my "blog friends" would go with me. I bought two tickets, but still do not know if I will bring anyone. No one I have talked to has heard of them. I am really excited, but don't really want to bring someone who wouldn't be excited too. I think it would be easier to go alone, and maybe more enjoyable (especially since I am in this "funk"...maybe I NEED to be "alone")

I don't like this funk, but hopefully getting some sleep will allow it to leave quietly and not come back for a while. I am meeting with the counselor again on Tuesday. I think I am ready for her to give me some ideas on how to deal with these "funks" or set some goals. We have talked a bit about some of my "issues", so I know some of what is going on, but not necessarily how to deal with them or work through them...guess that's why I am not done having visits!

Good night.

Too Tired Tonight

'Twas totally telling to try to talk like that. Then, 'tis true that twitter terminated the tomorrow that trusted to be "top". Today "tanked" too. Too tired to Shred tonight. 'Tis tragic yet true. Too tired to type (yet this has taken me 20 minutes so far!)
________________
It was another crabby day until around 3:00 when the crabby cloud seemed to leave for a while. I am really tired, which could be the root of the crabbiness. My cell phone did ring with twitter updates during the night from yesterday that didn't make it through for some reason even though my phone was on vibrate. When you go to bed at midnight and the alarm goes off at 5:30, waking up at 2:53, 3:42, and 5:22 is not good (especially after having two yucky days at work already). So, I'm skipping my Shred again. I had pizza, microwave popcorn, and a fall release Woodchuck for dinner (I have never heard of this "limited release" and it is AWESOME!). I am going to watch my DVR of Medium and go to bed...

Goodnight from Crabbyland. I hope I don't make a trip to visit you again any time soon.

Skipped Shred for Social

So, after a shift that is best summed as "sucky", she (that is, me) set out to see if a social setting could save the "suckiness". She was served some cold yet satisfying supper and sat to see (hear) what's shaking with said staff (co-workers). She spoke silly stuff and shot the (what's that phrase?!) and stayed 'til Seamus (and she) sought sleep.

So, she skipped her shred for social, but also skipped some sleep.

She slept so soundly yet so so short. Still, she surmised this shift was sure to be superior.

So sorry, sir (er, lady), super sh**** is on the schedule for the second shift. "Sweet", she says. Start over?!

Stupid shift. Shred not skipped. Still sleepy. Should be sleeping.

Substitution please...tomorrow SHOULD be superior...right?!

Crazy Crabby lady cannot sustain subsequent shifts of "suckiness".

Sleep, sleep, sleep.

Back in the Funk

It isn't QUITE as bad as it was, but I am feeling a bit like I am back in the funk. Thank goodness my little countdown says it is one week and one day until I leave the country! I am really feeling like I need to get away from here for a while. I couldn't wait to get home after "family dinner" and even thought that maybe I should start skipping that every once in a while. For whatever reason, I was feeling highly irritated with my family today and they didn't even do anything in particular that I can recall. Maybe it was leftover irritation from yesterday and just everything that bothers me about the whole sister, brother-in-law, nephew stuff. I was remembering that it was my sister who had the title of "social butterfly" and I was the more "reserved" one. I guess I just have to hope that she finds some way to get out and do things and be social because I think that will not get any easier once she starts baby-sitting her nephew. Anyway, I know that I am more worried (and irritated) about these things than I should be, so it will be nice to get away (although I'm sure I'll miss my family, especially my nephew!)

I had a pretty busy day off and have another jam-packed one planned for tomorrow. I went to Curves for the first time since August 26...crazy! They were talking about floors when I got there and the owner showed the other women the slide show I made of my kitchen and it got more compliments :o) After my work out, I talked to the owner for nearly 30 minutes about all sorts of stuff. She posed one interesting question about the being a happy single deal and wondered if I am happy being single because the alternative "scares" me...I still need to think a little more about that question, but my first instinct is to say that while the alternative does "scare" me a bit (okay, maybe a lot), I definitely enjoy my independence and all the things I have been able to do, and can continue to do, because things are this way.

Mowing my lawn ended up being quite the ordeal. I paid some kids to do it two weeks ago, then found my mower to be broken the next time I had time to mow. It was finished on Thursday, but that's when I was doing all the painting, plus it rained, and then I worked a super long shift, and then it was the festival. So, today was the day. I "drug my feet" for a while and finally peeled myself off the couch to go mow...only to find out that it was nearly out of gas. Side trip to the gas station and THEN I was able to mow. It took me quite a while this time since it was so long (and it had been a long time since I myself mowed!) but it isn't as bad of a "chore" as it seems when I am in the midst of motivating myself to do it.

My dad helped me move my table and chairs back into the kitchen. He also put my doorbell and outlet covers back :o) It was his first time to see the kitchen and he thinks it looks great! I brought some more things back in there, changed the placement of some appliances, and allowed more clutter to return than I had originally intended...oops!

I did clear some of the clutter from my living room after "family dinner" and also did a little bit of vacuuming.

I sent an email to the floor guy. The other guy is cooking dinner tomorrow at his house and then we are going "go-carting". I'm not exactly sure about that kind of "non-date" but am SURE it will be fine (and fun). I shouldn't "freak out" about it yet, but I've never been successful at dating ONE guy at a time, so what in the world about I going to do if I try to "date" (or "non-date") two guys at once?

I'm having lunch with one of my "best friends" (the one I got to talk to at my dad's party) and am really looking forward to that. I also am going to the dentist so he can do something about my discolored front teeth (I had "bonding" put on a really long time ago and it has worn off). I had written in my calendar that the appointment was today, but their records show tomorrow. So, I have to miss the wedding shower at work, but do still get to have lunch with a friend.

I still have yet to start the book for the "Bloom" book club...another something to look forward to when I am out-of-town and don't have anything else to do besides attend sessions. The rest of the time will be "mine" without worrying about lawn or clutter or my now semi-anti-social sister.

Busy days ahead, so I should head to bed.
Good night.

Aches and Almost There

I finished the antibiotics for my "achy" teeth today, but they are still sore, so I'm not sure if that worked.

My left arm is achy from where I got my flu shot.

My neck, back, and shoulders are achy from painting.

My thighs, knees, calves, shins, ankles, and feet are achy from painting, standing all through my dad's party, and multiple days of running all over the place at work the past few days (Saturday, yesterday, and today)

Hard to believe it wasn't long ago that I sat on my couch and did NOTHING often more than once a week. Oh how much I want one of those days SOON! I could even go for a PARTIAL day like that!

My floors are getting installed tomorrow. I will need to paint after they move the fridge away from the wall, but I REALLY hope the third coat I put on tonight was enough because I'm not sure where the energy for a fourth would come from! I am excited about the floors and KNOW the room will look great when it is done, but it sure was a lot of work and I'm thinking my plan to paint the living room will have to wait a little while!

I am meeting with the counselor on Friday and I haven't begun to read the book she told me to read. She also suggested I take a few moments each day to "clear my mind" and I'm not sure I did very well at that homework either. I'm also planning to read the book for the "Bloom" book club (I just posted the button on my blog this evening). I am not sure how active of a participant I will be, but I'd definitely like to be able to read what others are saying. I haven't checked to see what book my work book club is reading for this month (still only half way through the book that was discussed this month) and it would be fun to join in that conversation.

Well, this is earlier than I went to bed the past two nights when I had to get up at 6:00 the next morning, so maybe some of the aches will be gone by the time I have to get up. I'm definitely thinking I'll have to make a coffee run and hope the floor installers will give me enough heads up so I can do that before they arrive (since I'm going to have to paint quickly while they work...hopefully they will be okay with that!)

My friend texted me at 5:45 this morning to say her son would be in surgery for another couple of hours. I heard he had some problems with bleeding, but last I heard he was "stable". I had to send one of my patients to the intensive care unit this afternoon when he decided to not breathe very well for me. I tried to manage things myself for a little while since my phone wouldn't work to call anyone and I didn't want to press the "code blue" button (the other nurses said I should have yelled for help, but I'm not really a "yeller" and am not sure I realized how serious the situation was). Everything happened the way it was supposed to after the help arrived so that is good. Made for a crazy afternoon, that's for sure.

Time to sleep...I am also super behind on reading blogs too, but keep reminding myself that a reprieve from all this working is "almost here"!

Good night.

Had to Happen

With shift after shift (after shift after shift??) of easy/"boring" days at work, it had to come to an end. It just HAD to...it wouldn't be "work" if every day was smooth as silk, easy as pie, slow as mud, right?! Sure, those days are AWESOME and I am able to give much more one on one attention/emotional support to my patients and/or their parents which I LOVE! However, work is work and every job has days that are more enjoyable than others.

I am SO thankful that my job has MANY more enjoyable days than not. And, I am SO thankful that I have learned to even put the harder days into perspective (due to some pretty amazing people God has placed in my life to remind me of such things!)

Thursday night, I went to dinner with my friend and "the baby". We ate at the Olive Garden and had a great visit! Today was her birthday, so we kind of celebrated that (the Easter bunny gave me a $25 gift card so it was mostly his treat...nice!) He WAS here in town to have minor surgery on Monday...WAS being the key word there because...

Yesterday afternoon he had to be admitted to my floor and I was the nurse who was "up" for an admission (it HAD to happen...I had at LEAST three shifts where I was "up" for an admission and none came) I suppose that is one reason maybe to not be friends with parents of my patients, but that's how it goes. Luckily, my "favorite" charge nurse was working and she helped out a ton. It is always busy when you get an admission, and there were lots of things that needed to be done. It was sad being there for all the stuff that hurts when we just had a fun little dinner the night before. But, he is still young and very forgiving :o)

Last night I made muffins to bring for my friend's birthday and to my co-workers. Definitely not the way she wanted to spend her birthday...especially with the way the day went! Since the baby was SO sick for so long, his veins do not like to cooperate very well. So, it typically takes multiple attempts for lab draws and very hard to start IVs...yes, one of the sadder parts of my job :o( We spent probably hours working on that IV today between trying to get a new one or saving the old one. 3:45 lunch breaks makes this nurse VERY crabby and I was not at all pleasant by that point. Of course, my other patients were "basically" neglected during this time and I actually snapped at one of the other moms. Yes, I really did (but did apologize...I honestly can only do one thing at a time even though way more than one thing needed to happen at that time and of COURSE her child is just as important...deep breath, need food!). I actually said something that left her with the response of "I am not a nurse, I do not know what you should give"...wow, oops! Definitely needed to take a step back and re-think how THAT conversation went!

Yes, it definitely was not one of the more "fun" days at work. However, this was my "perspective" to help me through...my day was not NEARLY as bad as the baby who spent what seemed like half the day getting poked with needles OR as bad as my friend who spent her birthday in the hospital away from the rest of her family with her child getting poked. Nope, eating lunch at 3:45 sure beats "sleeping" on a hospital couch with a plastic pillow with no privacy and crazy alarms. As terribly annoying as it was that another of my patients pressed the call light every five minutes to ask for his mom, I had to remind myself that less than 2 weeks ago no one really thought he would be able to talk, and weeks before that, he NEVER would have been able to press the call light (that did not stop me from unplugging the call light though...just being honest here!)

Oh how glad I am to have tomorrow off! I am SO going to sleep in!

My Magic Bullet replacement part came in the mail the other day so I am looking forward to making smoothies again.

I definitely forgot to send in the check for my house payment...nice...I better do that while I'm thinking about it!

Tomorrow my mom is going with me to Gymboree to spend the rest of my gym bucks...now that I know how to use them, it will be a MUCH more pleasant experience (although every mom and her kids will probably be there tomorrow...ha ha!) She also asked me what I wanted for "family dinner"...I will actually get to eat dinner while it is hot this week--yay!

Alrighty, time to sleep...something tells me I can use all the sleep I can get, especially with a "family dinner" in the plans :o)

Good night!

For the Record

Just in case you thought that I was always considerate, kind, thoughtful, sympathetic...whatever other nice things you have ever thought about me...I am not.

For the record, today was a day there were multiple times I was not so nice. I'm putting it out there, just so you know (and, maybe to clear my guilty conscience a little bit).

After church, I stopped by my parents' house. We visited for a while. At one point, I really noticed the shirt my mom was wearing. Not sure where else she would be going today, I said something like "you seem to like wearing shorter shirts these days"... Okay, SO not very nice, however, the bottom part of her stomach was definitely showing underneath the bottom of the shirt. Now, my mom is not really overweight, but personally, I'm not a big fan of the belly hanging out from under your shirt on ANYONE. (I realize that I am short, so it is a little harder for shirts to be that short on me, however, most of the time I wear camis "just in case" because not even I want to see my belly hanging out the bottom of my shirt...) Also, for the record, this is not the first time I have seen her wear a "questionable" shirt...just the first time I said something. She was a bit offended by my comment, asked if it was "okay" for her to wear it around the house and it was not mentioned again.

My sister...well, I'm afraid that I have decided that as a pregnant person she kind of annoys me. Maybe it is because of all this reading I do about people who feel so blessed to be pregnant with a healthy baby that is it SO annoying how much she takes things for granted. She can't do this or that because she is pregnant. They were getting the nursery ready this weekend, so she didn't have time or energy to cut my hair. Then, we were at dinner at my grandparents' house and the topic of her shower came up. My cousin had "saved the date" for Father's Day. That was going to be "okay" with me, but lots of people like to have that day off, and it doesn't REALLY make sense for me to request it off (unless it was my sister's baby shower...). Well, apparently, three of my cousins will be out of town and that day won't work, and I think they will be gone the weekend before as well. My sister said that it could NOT be any later than Father's Day. I was like, there is NO reason you can't do it later in June (at this time, I didn't realize how late Father's Day is this year...oops) and she definitely told me to "shut up"...which, likely was deserved. They have been buying lots of stuff, and were planning to go get the stroller and car seat tomorrow. I have been telling her ALL the time that she should register for that kind of stuff and spend money on the other things. This is NOT something they really need to have tomorrow, right?! They registered for a high chair rather than the stroller...I'm like, seriously, you need a car seat way more than a high chair (my brother-in-law said..."So, you just feed him in the car seat then"...um, well you won't actually need a high chair until he can sit up by himself which is a couple months...probably wouldn't REALLY need a high chair until like 6, 9 months, right?!) She doesn't think people will spend that much money...HELLO, this is the first great-grandchild and we have well over 20 cousins...I'm thinking there can be money pooled to buy bigger things. I mean, HELLO, that's what happens when you have the first baby in the family! But, they didn't ask me...and, after the whole "shut up deal", I kind of decided I shouldn't do much more arguing.

So, nice girl all the time, I am not...and now it is on the record. My mom and my sister seem to bring out my "alter ego" more than anyone else, but that doesn't make it "right"....

I am tired even though I slept in pretty late today. Last week was pretty exhausting, and I work the next two days. I have to type my agenda for this week's meeting, so I'd better get to work on that...

Night.

Bonus Shift

Well, they were offering bonus pay to work today. Since I've been complaining about my finances and wishing there were bonus shifts available, I decided to take it...even though that makes me work four days in a row. I hardly EVER work three in a row because it can be pretty exhausting, and FOUR days in a row is pretty much unheard of (at least on my floor). However, I decided it would be fine, and worth it when my pay check comes.

Unfortunately, the past week I seem to have become "the mean nurse". That is not something I like AT ALL! The first time it was mostly joking and the person who said it actually was meaning that I had become more assertive and it being a "good thing". Yesterday, though, it came from a patient and a parent. Even though what I said was, in fact, true, I am certain there was a much nicer way to say it (and, as the physician informed me, probably did not need to be said at all). I'm pretty sure things got all "smoothed over" and I was not "fired" from taking care of any patients, but it did feel pretty crappy. I made a valiant attempt to redeem myself today and hope I succeeded! It seems like "everyone" on my floor is looking for other jobs. I'm totally not to that point, but I guess the frustrations all around can unfortunately be taken out in the wrong places. Also, I'm thinking that "dieting" (or whatever exactly I did for those nine days) was not for me. Having that donut this morning made things ALL better! I AM still going to try and work on portion control and choosing healthier foods, but cannot get to the point of feeling starved and deprived...apparently that makes me become mean and crabby!

Anyway, I'm back to work tomorrow for my fourth day in a row, so I think I'll head to bed early. Maybe I'll finish my book, or at least get a bit read. I start a new Bible study on Tuesday, so it would be nice to only have one thing to read!

Good night.

Nothing Wrong

That is the final diagnosis on my computer. So, it is now sitting in front of me as I sit on the floor watching TV. Oh how wonderful that is! :o) Just kidding (sort of!), but it is nice to have it back.

Work should not have been bad, but I was rather irritable and didn't feel like being there. It was a little busy, but not THAT bad! I think things will be a lot better when I am able to go back to my regular, yet slightly healthier, diet. Up until today, I probably would have recommended this program, and maybe come Sunday or Monday I will be able to do that again. However, today was pretty bad, so I don't think I'll be becoming a seller of this product any time soon (even though I DEFINITELY lost pounds and inches which is DEFINITELY a good thing!)

Well, I'm pretty tired (kind of sad that this is one of my shortest posts after waiting for DAYS to have my computer back!) and there isn't much else to say. Back to work tomorrow, so I'd better "rest up" (and I need to remember to bring my patience along with me...I left at least half of it at home this morning.)

Good night.

Out of the Loop

That's what I feel like. I feel like not having a computer at home leaves me "out of the loop". Sure, yesterday I checked my email and did whatever "blog reading" I could do while I was at work, but I WAS at work and couldn't take the time to really read what was written, and definitely not much time to post comments...

Not having a computer at home, though, DID give me ample opportunity to mail nearly 20 cards (with my Christmas picture in them, but I won't call them "Christmas Cards" seeing as it is the middle of January!) I'm also over halfway through my book. I have also watched quite a bit of TV, took a nice long bath (when I woke up this morning it was -13 degrees not including the wind chill), and have enjoyed my naps. I also did a little bit of cleaning (not a lot, but my house does look a little better).

Since I live alone, I do enjoy the contact with the "outside world" that my computer provides. Even if it is with folks on the other side of the computer, I don't feel quite as alone (okay, maybe there are some "issues" there, but I'm just going to "go with that"!). So, I've been a little bored, which typically would mean I would snack. However, since I'm on this "diet", I can't even do that, so I have been alone, bored, AND hungry. Wow, that's a lot of whining!

Well, my dad has already looked over my shoulder a few times to see what I was doing and kind of wondering how long I was going to spend on the computer. Again, a nice part about using my own computer in my own home :o) I have no clue when I will get it back. On Tuesday, I went to the shop and they told me "nothing is wrong". I let them know that the speakers weren't ACTUALLY broken when I took it there because I had reset the computer to the way it was when I bought it. Hopefully they are doing more "investigating" like I asked. I'd really like to be able to upload iTunes some time in the near future...my iPod only has Christmas music on it. And, while I do enjoy me some Christmas music, it IS the middle of January!

Good night.

No "Wrong" Answer

It's kind of nice when there are no "wrong" answers, but it also makes it a little challenging.

Today was a "super crazy" day at work for me. I was really stressed out all day and it actually ended with tears streaming down my face at one point. Maybe I have just been "spoiled" by having easier patients so today just SEEMED to be terrible, even though it wasn't really THAT bad. However, it sure did feel "that bad". With respiratory season comes the dreaded oximeters. Very good technology to make sure patients are getting enough oxygen to their brains by putting a "sticker" on them, but you still need a person to make sure they are working properly. Two of my three patients were on oximeters all day. Both of them were rather fussy and squirming around which leads to unnecessary alarms to my phone. They also both liked to not breathe very well when they were upset so I couldn't just IGNORE the constant alarms, just in case they did, in fact, need more oxygen. I ran from one room to the other ALL DAY LONG (of course, if I had had a parent there, or one that spoke English, it would have made things a little easier...) I also had to go off the floor with my OTHER patient for a 30 minute test and THAT patient decided to buy himself an oximeter as well...at least for a little while.

All in a day's work, I guess...it was a LONG twelve hours for sure, and I am SO happy to have the next three days off!

I did, however, have the opportunity to be a little spontaneous (or maybe "impulsive"?!) and take a little overnight road trip with a friend. It would have involved driving all night long and then using one of my free airline tickets to fly back home. After discussions with a couple different people, the decision was ultimately left up to me. Both of them made good points, but neither really tried to sway me one way or the other. In the end, I decided that there may be a better time, maybe an even more fun way, or more necessary way, to use my free airline ticket. While driving all night long with my friend would have been fun, and it would have been nice to get away from here for a while, I definitely would have been pretty tired when I got back home. I also wouldn't have been able to DO anything with my friend except talk, and I'm not a very good car traveler so probably would have been asleep before we left the state! Plus, I was pretty crabby after the long shift, so probably wouldn't have been that great of company anyway.

If I would have gone, it would have been great, but not going was a good choice too. Now, I will sleep in my own bed for as long as I want since I don't have to get up early. Tomorrow, if I want, I have all day to do all those things that I have been meaning to do. No "wrong" answer, but I think I made the "right" one for this time...with a little help from my friends :o)

Good night.

SOME day...

Yes, SOME day I will send "Christmas Cards". SOME day, I will write my thank you notes. SOME day, I will actually finish my "end of 2008" post. THAT day, however, was NOT today!

Even though I slept really well, I dragged through most of the day. I went to church and then had breakfast with my mom. I did get my agenda sent for the meeting this week which was something that HAD to get done today. I went with my dad to his girls' basketball game to keep score. It was pretty fun even though they got beat pretty badly (it's usually entertaining watching 7th grade girls play basketball, especially when they are playing for my dad because he is SO fun and the girls at least TRY to play well even if they are not good basketball players!)

I actually didn't go to the hospital today to visit my friend. I didn't really think she needed to be subjected to my apparent "funk", but it was still a hard decision to make. Thankfully, though, I didn't really HAVE to make a decision because her phone was turned off when I called from the store to see if she needed anything.

I did end up talking to her, and to another friend, on the phone for a while which definitely helped bring me out of whatever was "ailing me" earlier in the day :o)

It's only 9:00, but I'm thinking about getting into bed with a book and go to sleep earlier than usual. Back to work tomorrow.

Good night.

Just Sick

In my five years and two months at my job I am pretty sure I have never called in sick. Last night, I nearly did just that because I actually was feeling quite ill. However, I have this thought in the back of my mind that if I call in sick when I am not really, then I will become horribly sick and have huge regrets for that one little bit of dishonesty.

I also was hopeful that since there seemed to be an "extra" nurse scheduled that I would get a phone call seeing if I would want to stay home and my "dilemma" would resolve itself.

No such phone call, and I really probably should have called in sick because I was not really there anyway. I was in a "funk" the entire day. I didn't really want to talk to anyone. I was not at all excited to be there. I didn't want to play with my patients, I wasn't feeling very sympathetic. I didn't feel like doing the bare minimum of my job let alone the "above and beyond" that I typically enjoy doing. My heart just wasn't in my job...

and that made me feel even worse.

If I can't do my job REALLY well than I would rather not be there subjecting other people to my bad attitude. There has been quite a bit of negative energy going on around my floor, especially the past couple weeks. I try and ignore it and often try and bring sunshine to the clouds. Today I just couldn't do it. I was done. Tired of parents not coming to see their kids. Tired of the ones who are there expecting you to wait on them hand-and-foot, and still not being very nice when you obviously are bending over backwards to help. Today, everything bothered me...and that bothers me even more. I don't want to be THAT person.

I KNOW there are much worse things in the world, much worse things even in lives of people I know. I am sad, frustrated, tired, angry...and probably should just go home and go to bed. Unfortunately, I have a busy day planned tomorrow because other people don't deserve to be subjected to me being like this (of course, I hope that these feelings will be gone by the morning and all will be well in "my world" once again!)

My brother-in-law text messaged me this morning tht he had recovered some of my lost files and pictures. He didn't elaborate, so I'm not sure what he found. He was going to keep working on it.

Well, how's that for being "Just Me"?! Good night.