Live Your Own Life

I have been awful at blogging these past few months! Overall, things are going well and I don't have much/any complaints (maybe that's why I haven't been blogging...not too much to "vent" about!)

After my month of having to sign up for extra shifts at work, our census has been really low and I haven't worked my full-time hours in over three weeks. That really stinks considering I have a vacation planned for next month that I may have to take without pay. I also am going to have someone do a pretty big backyard landscaping project later this month. I'm going to have to take out a loan for that (or use my credit card) which is okay, but not as "okay" if I'm going to miss out on $300+ a pay check! Other than that, work is good. I had my annual performance evaluation which went really well (I didn't cry and I didn't get hives!) They would like me to work on a large project about the work done on my unit to present hospital-wide (hopefully with a group of other nurses from my unit!) That actually would be pretty cool, but a lot of work!

Today, I was "on call" for work, which stinks (last week when I was on call, I got called in right before I was going to have lunch with my family and yesterday I got called in by 10:00). It didn't seem that likely that I'd get called in, but I have to be there within an hour, so couldn't stray too far from home. I decided to "take a chance" and try to spend the day with my nephew. I wanted to take him to a Museum or something, but it would have taken too long if I had to bring him back to my sister. So, we went to a park and played for a while. I face planted during one of my attempts at an "underdog" while he was on the swing. Thank goodness we were at the park by ourselves! After the park, we went to the mall and played in their little play area. It wasn't quite lunch time, so we started walking around the mall and I spotted Build a Bear. We went inside and they had bears that were only $10, so I decided we would do that. He didn't realize there were options for sound and clothes/accessories, so it really was affordable and I think he had fun.

The teen has stayed with me every weekend and a couple of times during the week since school started. I've also been giving her rides home from school/work intermittently. Her mom rarely contacts me (except when she's freaking out or wants to complain about the teen or wants me to do something like take the little one for the day because she "had stuff to do"). She irritates me so much when I do have contact with her that I try not to complain about the lack of her involvement in any of the positive parts of the teen's life. I wish she had half a clue how amazing her daughter is, but I know there is nothing I can do to change that. So, I continue to support the teen (besides getting irritated with her last night when she agreed to work an extra shift without a plan on how she was getting home besides calling me and telling me that she was probably going to miss three days of school to go out of town for a cousin's birthday...I don't think that's cool when you already struggle in school and are trying to get into college, but I could be overreacting...) and give her positive reinforcement. She talks to me all the time, even sharing that she stayed up until 2:30 AM on a school night talking to a guy from work about "girl problems"...I think she knew it was "wrong" but needed me to be another voice of reason. She's a great kid and I'm very proud of her. It has been a blessing to watch her grow and change during these 2+ years since she first came to live here and I'm really looking forward to seeing what amazing things she will do with her life. 

I have been in the process of lining up day care/baby-sitter coverage so I'm ready if/when I get a call from my agency for a placement. I told them they could start calling me in September after all the new computer stuff at work settled down. My sister texted me on September 1st asking if I had gotten any calls...not yet and you'll probably be the first to know! These next two weeks probably would be "ideal" with my work schedule being the way it is, but I already know that the timing is not up to me and it will happen if/when it is supposed to. I met two college girls on Sunday that I found on one of the baby-sitter Internet sites. They go to the college that is right down the street. One is a nursing major and the other is elementary education. I also found a friend of a friend who is a child life specialist but unable to work in a hospital because of some health issues. So, hopefully one of the three of them will be able to help me on weekends and times when the day care/school is not open and I have to work. Even though my family didn't want to be as involved "the next time", I still think they will be willing to help if they can.

I was having an after dinner drink with my parents and their (retired) neighbors. I know their neighbors really well and was talking to the wife about how things were going and mentioned that I'd interviewed a couple baby-sitters. She wondered why I was interviewing baby-sitters. I told her it was so I was ready for my "next placement". Her response was that I "shouldn't do that" and that I need to "start living my own life"... I feel like I handled myself pretty well in the moment, but it did make me cry a little bit once I got home. I discovered when I posted something on twitter that I'm not alone in people making comments like that to foster/adoptive parents. Sure, I have had some really stressful and emotional times during the past 2+ years during my foster parenting/post-reunification time. However, I think parenting (and life in general) comes with "stressful and emotional times". Even with the irritations, frustrations, emotional, and stressful times, I have been so blessed and "fostering" makes me happy. Even though my life choices may not be the choices others would make (hello, I turned down an almost full-ride scholarship to a pretty prestigious University and then turned down the opportunity to get a sign-on bonus and my college tuition paid for by a hospital...), I don't have regrets and am looking forward to having another child(ren) placed in my home for a while.

I don't remember when I changed the header on my blog (it's been a long time...change is hard for me!), but it was before I became a foster parent, so probably at least three years. However, when I did, I chose for it to say "My beautiful Journey" because this is my life, my journey...and it is beautiful, even if it isn't like anyone else's, or what anyone else thinks it should look like. "The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you."

And, since I think about Sara all the time and can hardly believe she's been gone nearly a year, here's a link to another one of her "quote heavy" posts...I miss her, but am so thankful I still have easy access to her words... 

Until the next time...

Keeping Busy

I'm not sure how or when I got too busy to blog. I blogged a lot more when I had two kids living here, was working full-time, dealing with visitation, caseworker visits, other appointments, and family obligations! Now, half the time I don't even know what day it is. Maybe I blogged more out of "necessity" even though I was just as/more busy than I am now because I needed a safe place to vent...and now I just vent to anyone who will listen (even though I probably should go back to blogging...ha!)

Last weekend I was off work and "teenless" because one of my cousin's got married. My sister was a bridesmaid so I helped my mom with my nephews. Well, everyone kind of helped with them, but I made sure to be present so there would be no complaints ;) I did a reading at the wedding and got lots of compliments. I got that public speaking gene from my dad, although I am much more comfortable reading someone else's words than speaking into a microphone words that I have written or need to speak spontaneously. It was an honor to be asked and I'm glad I was up to the challenge. It was really fun to be with my family. My mom and I went to the gift opening on Sunday which was nice too.

My nephew wanted to be with "his boys" (my cousins) the whole night :)

Handsome :)

He literally danced until he could barely stand up (around 10:30 with no nap!)

My mom, aunt, and I went and got our hair done. I love how it turned out! 

With my mom and sister :)

My mom's parents. They are so cute.

Even though there are 21 grandkids on my mom's side, I think it wil be a while before another family wedding. There have been five and there are four great-grandkids :)

It has been a busy couple of weeks at work. I am on a committee that is working on getting my hospital re-designated as a Magnet institution. It represents excellence in nursing and is only given to about 6% of hospitals in the country. So, it's a really big deal and has been a lot of work (but a lot of interesting and fun stuff too). The appraisers are coming next week to talk to nurses and other members of the hospital staff to validate/verify/amplify everything that we wrote in our 500+ page document. So, I have been going to meetings on my days off, sending emails, and had to create a binder with information. We are also supposed to be working on our peer and self evaluations and there are still a lot of extra shifts to fill until our new staff is hired.

I do love my job, but it's times like this that I'm grateful I haven't gotten any new foster kids. A sweet 2 1/2 year old was admitted to my floor this week after someone (apparently) beat the cr@p out of him. As much as he seems like a kid that I would be able to handle (if I got a call about him...that is still only a remote possibility at this point...I have no idea how that works really!), I still feel like I should wait. I have no idea how many extra hours we are going to have to work this summer since we are implementing a new charting system and still won't be fully staffed. I think I would feel guilty putting an already traumatized child into day care for more than 40 hours a week/for 13 hour days. Eventually, I know I'll have to get over part of that if I want to take another placement, but it would be better if I knew I was only working 3 days a week, not have to go 4 or 5 days a week. 

Plus, I have no idea what's going to happen with the teen...and she remains my priority. She was here 5 out of 8 nights before last weekend's wedding. Then, I guess her mom did the whole "no more Amanda" line. She has always changed her mind, but the threat still remains...and neither of us know how, when, or why she will change her mind.  She agreed to let the teen come over here after school on Tuesday so she and I could go to a college baseball game. Then, she said she could stay the night. That day, her mom called me and talked to me for 45 minutes straight like we were BFFs. Definitely 45 minutes of my life I can never get back, but I can surely laugh about some of the things she told me and if I have to listen to her mumbo jumbo in order to have contact with the teen, by all means, I'll keep the phone to my ear ;)

Last night got a little sticky though...as did this afternoon. So, there is no telling what will happen from here. Yesterday, the teen and I tried to contact her about plans (kind of sort of trying to get her to say she could just stay the night), but she had her phone off. We stalled for a while and she called really ticked off when we were on the way to bring her home. We were almost to their street when she told me she didn't have a way to get the teen to school so she should just stay with me even though we were both "pushing it". Today, she did end up letting me bring the teen to her high school's soccer game, but it was after a few angry text messages/phone calls and the threat of not allowing the teen to go to any more social events.

Her mom also "forgot" to go to her meeting at the teen's school about tuition and other commitments. The teen (finally) talked to one of her teachers about what has been going on as well as to the President of the school to tell her how much she wants to graduate from there and what she is willing to do to help financially. I'm willing to do pretty much anything to help make that happen, even if it's the teen and I who have to do everything. 

Today was Parent Appreciation Day at the school and her mom had no clue. I suppose that worked to my benefit because I was able to bring her lunch (for her and her friends) and her mom has no clue ;) One of her friends asked if I was her sister, another asked if I was her mom...I'm cool with either (especially since we look nothing alike...family is definitely more than genes though!) I am so proud of her and I really hope she is doing as well in her classes as she says she is. I do know she is trying hard.

I know fortune cookies are meant to be for fun, but every once in a while, they really make sense. This was her fortune:  "Focus on your long-term goal. Good things will soon happen." My fortune was "Your imagination will point you in a new direction. Go for it!" Pretty cool :)

Tomorrow she is baby-sitting for some relative who actually lives REALLY close to me. I dropped her off there tonight and discovered that I had actually been inside that house before...25 years ago! We had gotten into a car accident on the way to grandma's house because someone ran a stop sign and my dad couldn't stop on the icy road. The older lady who lived in that house let us come in and wait for the police to come. Such a small world!

Speaking of small world...blogging (and twitter) has brought such a great community. This weekend there is something called (in) Real Life from the people who started (in) courage. I signed up and took Saturday off work. It is being held about an hour drive from where I live. I had no idea what to expect, but this week I got emails from two women who will be there and now I'm really looking forward to it. I am still not sure what, if anything, I'll have in common with these other people, but I love meeting new people and blogging/twitter has definitely brought me a community of people I never would have met "in real life". This may mean I have to open up my quiet little blog to people who live locally and met me before they read anything here (so I can have a heart attack every time my site meter tells me someone in my State visited), but if it does, I know it will be "ok".

So, that's the happenings here. I'm finishing up a Woodchuck and then should head to bed. I have two meetings tomorrow...super fun ;) I may need to go to the store and get some Green Apple Smirnoff in honor of Sara. Tomorrow part of the (in)Real Life is sharing her story of creating community even though she was homebound...I miss that girl. If you haven't "met" her, you should go read her story...she'll knock your socks off (or something like that ;) ) Choose Joy...today and every day :)

Until the next time...

Good night.

The Tough Stuff

I have completed my second of three shifts in a row. I "never" work three days in a row (that is nearly 39 hours in three days...just sayin'). However, I think it is coming at a good time seeing as it is one week after the life that I knew changed in an instant. Not only that, but I was blessed with AMAZING patients/families making it worth the long days (and super busy ones...our floor is HOPPING!)

I admitted a patient at 6:15 last night which is (nearly) the worst possible time. By that point you are tired and just want to go home (we start giving report around 7:00 with the intention to be off at 7:30, but that often doesn't happen). So, sometimes it is hard to be welcoming and patient after you have been working for over 11 hours, but you do your best. Yesterday, though, I introduced myself to the young teenage boy who was being rolled into the room after surgery. I said "Hi, I'm Amanda, I'm going to be your nurse". Now, to be fair, he had gotten some good drugs, but he said "That's awesome!" His adorable grandparents (both sets) were there as were his parents. His parents said "we are SO happy to be here!" Seriously?! Who ARE you people?! But, THANK you for being here too because this is exactly what I needed (because, seriously, getting a new patient at 6:15 SUCKS...just sayin')

My other patients were nice with grateful parents too which does make all the difference in the world. Of course, it was heartbreaking dealing with the other young teenage boy who intentionally overdosed who was treating his mom like crap and she left in tears. I don't know a lot about mental illness, but this child is definitely ill and I hope he is able to get the help he needs. He was much nicer to her today, but that is tough stuff. However, I am grateful to have been given these moments to spend with him and his family as they deal with this (as well as my other patients/families).

Anyway, that wasn't going to be the point of this post. However, those moments are helping to distract me from the "drama" in my personal life.

I miss her, though. It makes my eyes well up with tears just thinking about it.

I check my phone and my email all the time thinking there may be some "randomness" from her...and then remember that there won't be (CAN'T be) anything from her. I have caught myself wanting to send her "little tidbits" too, especially about some of the "newsworthy" stuff that has been going on at my "Alma Maters".

I'm sad that I can't get closure/start to forgive because I don't REALLY know what happened. Sure, I know her mom's side of the story. I imagine I am in a state of denial, but I typically only believe half of what her mom tells me. So, it is tough to know what really happened without hearing from the teen herself. I am not sure when/if that will happen.

I know her mom is angry and hurting, but I feel like she is being selfish not allowing me to talk to her daughter. Granted, "selfish" is something I am used to dealing with when it comes to her, but this time it really affects me. I don't think cutting off someone she loves and trusts is the best way to deal with her. I know you need to set limits/boundaries, but there are a lot worse things she could do than talk to me (in my opinion) and her mom would have little/no control of that.

It is hard to focus on all the fun memories we have rather than think about all the things we (maybe) won't be able to do. The movies I'd like to see with her, the baseball cames I'd like to take her to, the college fair we made plans to attend, the ABC Family shows I'd like to discuss with her...

So, this is "the tough stuff", but I am choosing to be grateful for "the good stuff" too.

Now What

I met with one of the women I wrote about in this post (the other one was busy with our big document deadline). I thought I would feel empowered and ready to take on the "world". However, I just don't. In fact, I feel overwhelmed and anxious, wondering why I ever thought I could actually be that "bold". I'm not sure what happened, but I'm definitely not feeling nearly as confident (and competent) as I did about "taking action" a week ago. Deep down, I know that I want to do what is "right" and be an advocate for myself and my co-workers. I know that a change can't happen unless it starts somewhere. I also know that I have support from people who don't work on my unit (and in "high places" even), but I'm still scared. (Maybe I need to pull out my copy of What Women Fear and re-read a chapter or two...ha!)

So, I'm not sure what is going to happen from here. She gave me the suggestion to ask management to let me borrow a copy of their "relationship-based care" book, but also said that I should bring a trusted person with me whenever I go talk to them. I'm not sure who would go with me or how long it would take me to get them to "buy into" how I want to handle things. So, in a sense, it could be easier to do alone, but it is still scary either way.

More to come...it's past my bed time and I haven't had to get up early for a few days.

Good night.

On My Mind

As I was painting my bedroom this afternoon, I realized that I have a lot on my mind. I was wishing I could "talk it out" while I painted and have it show up on my blog, but I'm not that technologically inclined...ha! I haven't been having trouble sleeping in recent days, but I feel like it would be good to lay it all out there, so to speak.

• I'm thinking about the meeting I'm planning to have with management. I need to get my notes organized. I need to figure out what my "goal" is going to be. I need to decide what I want to bring to the table. I'm not sure I can/should use other people's experiences/stories to validate what I have to say/as examples of why people don't trust them/times they de-valued our concerns. I have tried to keep my planning of this meeting on the "down low", but it came out yesterday at work to two people, making that 5 co-workers who know. I'm hoping they keep it quiet too because making it a "big deal" is not my goal (although I do want to make a difference and things better for all of us).
• I'm thinking about an email my mom sent me. I was on the offensive last week, so I called my aunt to read it to her before I did anything with it. My new nephew is due March 10. On March 3, there is an out-of-town (a 2-3 hour drive) shower for one cousin followed by a wedding reception for another cousin. My mom emailed me that my sister "obviously" could not go and that she wasn't making plans to go given the birth of the baby (even though the thought is that she'll probably have him in February due to her gestational diabetes). She wrote this to me: "Given what all is going on with that timing, you could determine if you would go or stay to help with the baby and/or the other nephew. Either way is "right"." Seriously, did she suggest I should skip the shower/reception because my sister could have had just had a baby/could be having a baby?! My aunt didn't think it deserved a response, but I emailed her back that I would finalize my plans when it gets closer.
• I didn't mention to my mom that I have pretty much told the agency that I would start accepting calls for placements. Technically, I have said that I am "almost ready" but they can call with any "perfect" placements and I have day care figured out (I think). My dad knows I'm close and I mentioned it to my aunt as well as on fb. I don't want to deal with any potential negativity from my mom, so she'll find out what the timing is right. My aunt mentioned that there are a couple of guys that she/her friends want me to meet, so I'm also thinking about that...although I'd rather not. I'm reading "Raising Abel" and sort of feeling inadequate and encouraged at the same time. I definitely don't see myself being able to handle what the author did, but I feel like I'm learning some tools that will help me with any future placement (since my first was really easy in the grand scheme of things).
• I'm thinking about the girls. When I did respite care on Friday night, the little boy asked for the little one the whole time. He didn't understand that she doesn't live here any more. I didn't really want to talk about being a foster child who goes home because I'm not sure he'll be going home. He was really good for me one-on-one, but he has a lot of behaviors stemming from whatever happened before he was born/in that critical time after he was born. I saw the teen's advisor after church and she said that the teen has slipped some in her grades/performance including not turning in homework. I haven't checked her grades this quarter because I don't know what I would do with the information. I want to trust her when she says she is doing fine and turning in her homework/trying her best and am afraid that is not what I will see if I look myself. I know she is in transition and it is out of my control. All I can do is remind her to do her best and know that I did everything I could while she was here to instill confidence and a desire to succeed.
• I'm thinking about the fact that I invited a bunch of people to my house on Saturday. I sent out seven invitations which is 14 adults and 12 kids (5 and under). There is a lot more I want to have done before then, but am scheduled to work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. My dad is going on vacation Wednesday, so I need to have the second coat of paint done tomorrow if I want him to help me move my furniture back. I think I may try to get tomorrow off work so I am not as stressed out trying to get things done on Tuesday after all my meetings and Thursday with working the days in between. I try not to voluntarily take days off so I can save my PTO for when we are forced off and I'll need hours in case my future kid gets sick/for my vacations.
• I'm thinking I probably should get off the couch and organize some papers...I'm a paper hoarder and very sentimental about "things" making it hard to get rid of things, but I'm trying!

Good night :) 

Choose: Change

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

~Mohandas Gandhi

Yesterday was a really good day at work. No yelling and no crying. I really needed a nice, smooth, drama-free day after the way the week was going. The night charge nurse kind of let an extra nurse work which was quite the change from how Monday went. I actually was a little bit "bored", but that's never a word you use in my kind of work (or probably any kind of work!) However, I was counting my blessings and thanking God for answering my prayers for a quiet shift all day long :)

I found a couple trusted people to talk to about what happened on Tuesday after my meeting (a Child Life specialist and one of the day shift charge nurses). During our conversation as well as the couple of conversations I had with one of the women from Tuesday, I decided that HR wasn't the right way to go. She also told me that it would be hard to explain why she was at the meeting if she was. However, all of us agreed that I do need to have someone else there whenever I meet with them. I don't want it to be awkward since I should be able to talk to management myself, but I also don't want my words twisted around (or ignored) and I don't want to be "bullied" (or told things would change without anyone there to hold them accountable to their promises). 

I am going to meet with two of the women on Tuesday morning to go over my "notes". I need to put together what I want to say/what the purpose of the meeting is. Basically, I think that my strongest emotion is sadness. I'm sad that this is the way things are. I'm sad that people don't trust them. I'm sad that they have seem to have no clue about a lot of things. I'm sad that the joy of my work is often corrupted by "drama" and "politics" that sometimes hinders the care I am able to give. 

It makes me nervous, but I feel like it is my responsibility to say something now that I know something needs to be said. If I want there to be a change, I need to "be the change". I can't wait for someone else to do something (especially since people have already tried). It takes a long time to re-build trust, but the re-building can't start until they know it needs to happen. 

More to come on this, but less than four weeks into the year and I think "Choose" was a good word for 2012...especially since Choosing "Change" isn't something I would normally do.

One Day at a Time

The past two days have been rough. My "getting ready" has pretty much come to a halt since I worked Saturday, Sunday, and Monday and had two meetings today (and work again tomorrow). I'm going to have to "pick up the pace" the next couple of days while also trying not to go crazy since I'm baby-sitting on Friday night and my party is next Saturday.

Yesterday morning, I completely blew up at work. I rarely get that angry, especially not to the point of yelling at the person who pissed me off. I typically hold any anger inside and eventually let it go (although am slow to forget/forgive). I did let the person talk to me later regarding why she made the decision she did (that completely screwed my continuity of care/patient assignment on my third day in a row of working). I still don't agree with the decision, but maybe even more angry that she felt forced into making what I feel was a "not right" decision because of the way management is. I love my job because of the patients/families (even though one family was pushing my limits after the third day of their "special requests" even though they actually are nice people). I also like the majority of my co-workers. However, the "politics" and "drama" is not enjoyable.

I am usually a positive person. I try to be "glass half-full" even when the people all around me freely share their negative thoughts (every.single.day). I remember Sara and "Choosing Joy", but I'm growing weary of "fighting the masses" in regards to management when I have a hard time believing they are as good as I want to believe they are.

This afternoon, I sat in a work meeting fighting back the tears. I'm on a committee with nurses from all areas of the hospital working for the hospital to get recognized for excellence in nursing. One of our roles is to get "buy in" from the rest of the hospital and spread the word of all the amazing things our hospital and nurses are doing. I am thankful for this committee filled with nurses who love what they do and lots of the time I feel empowered when I leave. Today, though, it was hard listening to another manager talk about how important this is when I have gotten minimal support from my own manager. As I listened to people share, I got more and more upset about the way things are on my unit.

After the meeting, I couldn't hold off the tears and they came pouring out as I talked to a couple of people who actually work with upper management. It was nice to let it all out while also receiving the support I was obviously missing more than I knew. It is hard for me to talk to my peers (I'm sure I've written a few posts about things of that nature, but won't search for them now). It's even harder when you meet with your peers who are supposed to be the floor "cheerleaders" and are met with negativity and lack of interest when my role is to share and spread "the good stuff". Harder still is not having management back you up on a committee that the Chief Nursing Officer believes to be of "utmost" importance.

I have come to the conclusion after many days of nights of thinking that there is one really bit thing that is missing on my unit. Trust. The nurses on my unit do not trust management. How can you build a relationship without trust? How can we make improvements and grow when we can't trust our leaders?

Also, though, how can you fix something if you don't know it's broken? I don't think management has a clue how broken things are, especially since it is my perception that staff nurses' concerns are often de-valued, sometimes even ignored.

So, I think I need to go talk to management and discuss my "observations". I'm going to bring a "neutral" someone with me if/when I do, though, for my own "protection". It scares me to think about potential confrontation, but I'm not sure how much longer I can continue pretending like everything is okay. I'm going to need lots of prayers to keep my composure and not let my emotions get the best of me. I'll make sure to have all my notes ready, and maybe even practice my "speech" too.

Not going to happen tomorrow, but I do have to go back to work, so I'd better get some rest.
Good night.

Still Shocked

This was a rough weekend at work, so I took yesterday off from posting (and today kind of too, since I'm doing a "re-post"). I have been taking care of the same patient nearly every shift for the past three(+) months. I like her, her mom, and her siblings, but her dad is often hard to take. I was starting to get really stressed out by his behavior, particularly the way he treats other people (he is not usually as awful to me as he is to my colleagues), so was really hoping for a "break" from the drama this weekend to "fill my cup" with patients whose families actually appreciate what we do. Argh! (Being able to vent here is one of the (many) reasons this blog is "anonymous"...)

Anyway, I was so thankful when I went to work on Saturday morning that I was indeed going to get a "break", so maybe the "F-bombs" I've dropped at work in recent days would not be necessary. I was thrilled to get to take care of a girl I cared for 5 years ago because she was super sweet and her family is great. Of course, it stinks that she was in the hospital, but I figured we'd have a good/fun day anyway. :)

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. She ended up being pretty sick and things weren't quite right, so I transferred her to the ICU around 11:30 in the morning since she had more medical needs than could be handled when I had two other patients to care for. She seemed to be better by the end of the shift, so I decided not to go back and visit her before I left knowing that I would be working again on Sunday.

When I arrived at work on Sunday morning, it was to a room of distraught people who directed me to the "board" that informed all of us that she had passed away during the night shift. I still can't believe it and do regret that I didn't give her mom one last hug before leaving for the night...although I am thankful that I gave her younger sister a really long one earlier in the day because that is something I will remember. I also have some good memories of her, including some from Saturday morning when she was pretty out of it.

Kids dying is one of the "job hazards" of being a pediatric nurse and I don't think it ever gets "easier" (because, seriously, if you aren't sad about kids dying, you aren't human). I am, however, thankful that I make a point to have relationships with my patients so when they "go away" (whether home or to their Heavenly home), I have memories that can stay in my heart forever.

Her "sleep mask" was lost in the linens during the move to the ICU, but found on Sunday after she had died and brought to the floor by someone in housekeeping. Today, I mailed it to her family along with a note as well as a picture I found from the summer of 2007. I'm thankful I "blogged" about it because I must have deleted that picture from my camera!

My thoughts and prayers are with her family at this time...she was a very special girl and will definitely be missed.

Originally posted May 31, 2007
(My sixth blog post ever!)

Organ and tissue donation is an issue very close to my heart because of the work I do. Because of this, I decided earlier this year that I wanted to run the 10K at the "Life-a-Thon" this year, an event to promote organ and tissue donor awareness and also to celebrate donor families. Five or six years ago, I did a couple 10Ks and a few 5Ks, but hadn't really run much since then. When it was about 5 weeks before the race, I decided it was time to "train". My training consisted of running 5 or 6 times, the farthest being 4 miles 5 days before the race. Somehow I managed to run the entire race (it took me a little over 70 minutes to run the 6.2 miles, but I did it!). I think it was because of the cause (and probably a few special angels cheering me on!). The photo above is me after the race with a transplant recipient and her sister, who probably will also need a transplant someday.


***More than 94,000 Americans are currently waiting for an organ transplant. Over 2,000 of them are children. Approximately 17 patients die each day, before receiving their lifesaving organ transplant due to the organ donor shortage.***

I Needed That

The past two days at work were extremely busy! We are overflowing with patients and all of them seem to have high needs. I ran my tail off for 12 hours both days and basically just sat down long enough to eat...lunch only. I did not get to eat breakfast either day, so both days the only thing I had in my stomach before 1:00 (after getting up at 6) was coffee (and Mike & Ike's from my Secret Santa yesterday). I think I maybe drank (at the most) two cups of water the entire day. It was seriously crazy (and I had to remind myself of my "3 P's" multiple times!)

I was going to title this post "Don't be an A*" as in, don't be an a-hole, or something similar, but opted against using that at this point. However, I've been taking care of a patient for the past three months nearly every day that I work. I get along great with her (she's a teenager) and her mom...as do most of the people on my floor. However, her dad really is not a nice person...at least that is the consensus of everyone who has had contact with him. So, most nurses do what they can to avoid taking this patient on the days her dad is there because he can, and often will, make your life/shift miserable. Thankfully, he isn't awful to me quite as often as he is to other people (I think because his daughter likes me), so I take her almost every time I work so I don't have to deal with crabby co-workers (and because I do like the kid most of the time).

Yesterday really was not an enjoyable day, likely due in part from having a very busy/stressful day on Wednesday but also because her dad was CRABBY. His child is rather sick which meant I had to make multiple trips into the room to do things to care for her needs. I could not avoid it and dreaded every time I had to walk down that hallway and into her room knowing I'd have "daggers" thrown at me every time. My other patients were sick and had "high needs" as well and I didn't have the time or the energy to deal with his negativity, rude comments, glares, etc. and it kind of made for a miserable day (thank goodness for my Secret Santa gift and empathetic co-workers who were definitely thankful it was me and not them...ha!)

I was exhausted when I got home (after getting fast food because I didn't want to wait for a frozen meal or making anything...I seriously need to get to the gym!) and my back, legs, and feet were sore. I sat on the couch for a little while watching TV and IMing with the teen and then headed to bed early. I was asleep by 11 and didn't set an alarm. I woke up at 8 when I needed to go to the bathroom. I quickly fell back asleep and didn't wake up again until 11:15! It wasn't like I was being lazy and just couldn't pull myself out of bed, I seriously slept solid the entire time (even with the sun coming through my window!) I guess I needed that...and am grateful that I COULD get that sleep that I obviously needed. I know it's a "privilege" that I don't take for granted, but it was a definite reminder of how tough my job really is (even though it's my Passion & Purpose and I Plan to continue doing it!) I'm thankful I had today off and tomorrow as well. I also may need to consider taking a break from that patient (I did take one a couple of weeks ago) except her mom will be back on Sunday and I enjoy visiting with her :) I seriously wish I could tell him to stop being an a-hole and maybe he'll get better results from the people who, need I remind him, are taking care of his child!

I am thankful that he is in the minority and most people really do appreciate the care that we give. It's unfortunate that they have been in the hospital this long so we have had to deal with the negativity and a-hole-ness for a very long time.

I talked about my "One Word" for 2011 at my therapy appointment on Tuesday and my Spiritual Director appointment today, so will have to do a "reflection" post at some point. I also think I know my "One Word" for 2012 and am looking forward to "unveiling" that. I have a busy day tomorrow (even though I'm "off"), so I'd better head to bed.

Good night :)

Randomness

Since I have managed to write some kind of post every day in November, I decided I shouldn't stop now. However, I can't think of much to write since I worked all day and just got to bed after kind of falling asleep on the couch. So, I thought I should "document" the silly dream that I had last night/this morning.

I should start with a little "back story"--yesterday I took care of this teenage patient that I have cared for for MONTHS. She was doing great, but this week got sick again. So, some of this will be meaningless to anyone who doesn't work in the hospital, but it's for me to remember ;) Anyway, she has a double lumen line meaning I had two places to put medications and fluids. She was getting TPN through one lumen and Dilaudid through the other. She also was getting FIVE IV antibiotics and received Albumin and IV Lasix during my shift. Some things could run with TPN, some with Dilaudid, some with neither, some with both, some ran for a long time, some ran for a short time...it really was as crazy as it sounds and I was thankful for my morning coffee because I had to use a lot of brain power first thing yesterday morning!

It should not come as a surprise, then, that there were IV antibiotics in my dream. Some how, I believe they were at my house and were not being given to my patient (I actually had an IV antibiotic dream a few weeks ago too...) So, I think the "gist" of my dream was to get them to where they needed to go. However, I took a turn somewhere and ended up in high school (maybe my high school, but it kind of seemed bigger and there may have been boys there). I was at my locker and started putting things in there and eventually my locker became a walk-in one and I started putting things from my locker into a shopping cart. Then, I couldn't find anything in my cart and thought I would be late to geometry when my book was no where to be found. I'm not sure I ever did find my book (and I don't think my IV antibiotics were still in my possession) but I did go to geometry with my grocery cart of papers and books. Surprisingly enough, I do think that this grocery cart in the classroom thing was actually "odd" in my dream as well as in real life ;)

I don't really remember the rest of it or how everything all fit together (or did not fit together). However, I did tell people at work that I gave so many IV antibiotics yesterday that they were in my dreams. I gave one less IV antibiotic today but had to fit in IV Zofran...hopefully tonight's dreams don't bring antibiotics on attack or anything crazy like that ;)

Good night :)

Feeling Blah

I went to bed early and slept in late, but today was just kind of "blah". I did make it to Curves this morning (the owner hit a deer at 5:30 in the morning on the way to work, so her day didn't start off that hot either), but the rest of the day was just "there". Well, I did go bet horses with my dad tonight for the first time in a long time which is always fun (especially since we won money today!), but I do just feel "off".

I had the heating people come to do a furnace check before winter hits. This year I actually bought a service plan so they will check the furnace and the a/c. While he was working, I mentioned that I only have "return" vents installed in my house, so he checked it out and then went back to look at the ducts. He called his boss to come over and look at things. Well, come to find out, the ducts are all installed improperly and so hardly any heat was getting upstairs (I have a raised ranch). Basically, the only heat I get comes from it "rising" from the basement aside from a little bit that comes out of the kitchen and a tiny bit into the other rooms. My furnace was running nearly 200 degrees and barely heating anything (the one they installed is also 3 times more "power" than one needed for a house my size, so I'm lucky it didn't overheat!) They are coming tomorrow to cut some holes in the duct work to create a way for air flow to come upstairs. However, it will cost over $3000 to make it so the air flows properly into all the rooms upstairs, maybe more depending on if it ruins floors, drywall etc. I suppose that information is enough to make feeling "blah" understandable...it's sickening, actually. My aunt called me tonight with the name of someone who can give a second opinion, but I really trust the people who came today and everything they said made sense. They said it didn't need to be fixed immediately and had me remove all the covers from the baseboard vents, but they are going to have to look at that tomorrow too because most of them just have holes to no where (good thing for no pets and no kids when there are large holes in the floor!)

This afternoon, I went to a meeting at work. I'm on this big committee with lots of nurses, nurse managers and directors. Today the chief nursing officer was there talking to us. I do often participate in discussions and feel even more comfortable around the people there than those on my own floor in terms of voicing my opinion about things. Well, that was a disadvantage for me today because I made a comment (one that I don't even want to document here) that prefaced an actual good statement/opinion and I feel terrible. That was over six hours ago and I still feel sick to my stomach about it. I did email the person who ran the meeting to apologize and give her permission to apologize to anyone I offended...yeah, it was very much open mouth, insert foot, and I'm thankful we won't meet again for a while so maybe it will be forgotten...ugh!

Tomorrow is the teen's 17th birthday. I've sent her a couple of emails/messages asking if she wants to do lunch (or dinner) and also have asked her a few times about her interest in attending a hockey game on Sunday. Her last response to me was from this morning saying that she was planning to go to a movie with friends but that she would talk to her mom about dinner or coming earlier and she'd let me know tonight. I like going through her rather than her mom because it is "easier" and also because I think it should be her choice whether she "hangs out" with me or not, not her mom's. However, I'm not so sure about their communication there (hello, earth to Amanda, did you forget about the communication issue you dealt with for 16 months?! Yeah, brain fart...) So, tonight when I never heard back from the teen, I was thinking that MAYBE I should have gone straight to her/their mom to find out what their plans are for this weekend and go from there. I do need to check in with her at some point since it would be nice to see how they are doing after the loss of their family member (I know obituaries are expensive, but I never saw any mention of services in the paper which is a little odd considering their mom likes to tell me about all her wealthy relatives...) Anyway, I hung up new pictures on Sunday and have found myself missing the little one a lot more. I can't really go through the teen to get time with the little one, so eventually will need to get myself into a "calm" place with a lot of time and call her. With all of the "cancer crap" that's been going around, I haven't been emotionally in a good place and have been protecting myself from being drained any further, but it's probably time to "check in".

Well, they are coming at 8:00 to work on my "ducts", so there will be no sleeping in tomorrow! Time for bed. :) Good night.

Cancer Central

I've been a pediatric nurse for over 9 1/2 years. The past 8 years I have worked on a pediatric unit that works with a lot (maybe even "mostly") of solid organ and GI patients. I'm not sure if it is a rise in oncology patients or the fact that our oncology unit (pediatric and adult as well as all bone marrow transplants) is under construction, but our unit seems to be cancer central and it really hasn't been that much fun.

There have been two leukemia diagnoses in the past two weeks. Last week, a teen who was diagnosed earlier this year died. Today, the cancer patient who also has a pretty poor prognosis and had quite the crush on said deceased patient found out today-on facebook-that he died. Yeah, that was fun...she asked me early in the afternoon if I was his nurse and then was there when she had pulled up his facebook page.

Not only did I had her, but I had the two-year-old whose mom's world came crashing down less than a week ago when she brought him for a "well child" visit. She has every right to be anxious and completely beside herself, but it made for a pretty stressful day.

And, as the "icing on the cake", my admission was another teen who was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year. Yeah, she had a CT scan today that was horrible. I definitely was in the room when the doctor told her she was going to die...and she probably should move up her make a wish that is scheduled for early December. Yeah, that was totally not an enjoyable conversation to hear. However, he said it was better than sugar coating it and let her know that making her comfortable was top priority. Definitely makes me ill just thinking about it.

Add all these things and then my friend (who's my age) getting diagnosed with endometrial cancer a week ago...yeah, that still has me freaked out, but I'm seeing my own doctor in a week, so that's a good thing.

It isn't even 10:00, but I am completely exhausted from today...the emotions along with all of the regular nursing cares (and my three patients were BUSY...happy Monday!) has left me pretty "spent". I'm thankful that I have the next two days off to recuperate.

Good night.

One of Them Days

I know I don't have to keep "committing" to posting every day in November because I saw something on twitter about it, but I'm trying, even though I can barely keep my eyes open (and it is barely after 10:00!) Maybe tomorrow I'll have time/energy to write about the retreat because I really think it is important to have that in my "journal" to reflect on at a later date. I'm glad that I had that "thanksgiving" retreat yesterday, because days like today still happen, but I have been reminded to find thinks to be grateful for, even in the midst of trials.

Today's phrase of the day was "Cancer $ucks"...it's actually been a rough few weeks on my floor with new diagnoses, palliative care, poor prognosis, and today it brought an amazing teenager to death. Sometimes people will say that being a pediatric nurse would be "so fun"...and some days, it really is. Other people say they could "never do it"...likely because of days like today when you hear of a parent bringing her 2-year-old for a well-check up and coming out with a diagnosis of leukemia and the 17-year-old star football player diagnosed with cancer 9 months ago who died today even after fighting it with all he had.

Yep, today was just one of them days...one of those days that makes me grateful for my health and the health of my family, thankful to have been given a "gift" to be able care for these patients/families even when it's incredibly sad, grateful for the love and support of my family and friends (and co-workers), thankful for the memories we have of these children who leave this world way too soon...

Yes, being a pediatric nurse can be fun and extremely rewarding...and sometimes, it's really sad too.

Good night.

After I posted this last night, I found out that a friend was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. She's the same age as me (and single without kids) and will (likely) undergo a total hysterectomy and possibly chemo. This came as I was reminded earlier in the day that my PCOS puts me at increased risk of endometrial cancer. While I'm not as "shell shocked" as her, I'm sure, I'm still stunned and numb because I can't even imagine...and really, there isn't any reason to think "it couldn't happen to me", because it does happen to "people like me". So, I'm going to be calling the doctor's office back today and discussing what they were trying to tell me yesterday that I wasn't really wanting to hear. Please keep Rachel in your prayers as she looks at options and works through this "bombshell" that came when five days ago she just thought she had "really bad cramps"...

Blessed are the Flexible

One of my nursing professors used to say "Blessed are the flexible" all the time and it just stuck. It definitely works with nursing, but also life in general. So, Dr. H., thanks for that :)

Today was definitely one of those days that I'm thankful that this quote has stuck with me for so long!

The teen is staying with me all week and I was scheduled to work two of the week days. When she lived with me before, my mom picked up the girls and brought her to school and the little one to day care. This time, I have decided not to ask for her assistance (or my dad's or sister's) unless I absolutely have to. So, on the days I had to work, she would have to get up earlier than she used to when she lived here and get dropped off at school an hour before classes start. I let her know this before she "agreed" to stay here, but would really like to make this week as easy as possible for her (with hopes this isn't the only time she stays with me!)

So, I opted to try and get today off work. We haven't had that many patients and when I left last night, I thought it would be pretty "sure thing" that I'd get the day off. Then, I got a 5:00 AM phone call that I would be "on call". This isn't as great as being "off", but it did mean I could sleep in a bit longer and so could the teen.

However, the "sleeping in" was cut short by a phone call at 6:55 AM saying that I needed to come to work at least until 1:00 since the charge nurse had meetings. So, I quickly showered and got ready for work, dropping the teen off at school before getting to work about 7:35 (great perk of living close!) The teen had a ride home in case I needed to stay...and I let her know that I probably would choose to stay if I could so then I could try to get Wednesday off (and not completely run out of PTO).

I showed up to work and did get my patients from yesterday. Unfortunately, the co-worker in my area was really crabby when I got there (seriously, I'm the one who just got called in at 7:00 in the morning!) Then, the charge nurse's meetings were done by 9:30 (seriously, I got called in for 2 1/2 hours?!), so someone was going to have to go home (you know, for "budget" reasons). If I went home, I'd still be "on call" and risk being called back in if they got busy...yeah, that didn't sound like fun even though I definitely had stuff I could do at home in the mean time.

So, I decided to stay and actually had a pretty busy day. I managed to pretty much "steer clear" of my crabby co-worker (she also did get less crabby as the day went on, thank goodness!)

As annoying as all this was, I'm thankful for this "blessed are the flexible" motto and that I was able to demonstrate to my co-workers how to appropriately react when things don't go as planned (at least I hope I was a good role model of that ;) )

I haven't seen the teen since I got home from work, but she did save a bowl of macaroni and cheese for me :) (I let her know on the way to school that I didn't expect her to cook dinner and she didn't have to wait for me, but I wasn't sure what she'd do!) I think she has some tests/quizzes tomorrow, so she's been studying. I doubt she'll let me quiz her, but I did offer.

I already have tomorrow off (and a laundry list of things I NEED to make myself do!) and will try again on Wednesday to get the full day off (as long as we get to sleep in, I'll be cool with it and try again on Saturday ;) )

Good night.

When Things Are Good

I was getting annoyed the other day when I was checking the web site of one of my patients. The family seems to only post when things are not going well or when there are things to complain about. Rarely do they post about the positive things. Their child has shown a tremendous amount of progress in the past days/weeks and yet an extended period of time went by with no post to mention that. Then, the one post that comes during this "good" spell is only partially positive and still rings with negativity. I suppose that is why it is suggested that we don't read these things, but "everyone" does. It does probably cause some unnecessary irritation when you are caring for that patient and the family posts negative things about that day, but I must remember that everyone has a right to "vent" (one reason that I have an anonymous blog!) However, it's frustrating when you are doing everything in your power to give the patient and their families the best experience possible (while dealing with sometimes VERY sick patients) and the only information they are sharing with the "world" is negative.

So, I decided that I should write something good about work. I got caught up in the negativity and "gossip" that was taking place over the weekend and was reflecting on that when I was visiting with my spiritual director on Monday. I often try to stay out of these kinds of conversations, sometimes to the point of walking away, which may make me seem anti-social. I've kind of grown accustomed to being "unpopular" while at the same time "likeable". Even though participating (maybe even starting) in those kinds of conversations helped me "fit in", it didn't leave me feeling that great, since that isn't really "me". It did carry on into today when I shared that during one of my "snooze button dreams" this morning I told our assistant manager to "stop being a b*t** (and promptly was written up...in my dream) and told another couple of nurses that I try to work on Wednesdays because our manager doesn't work Wednesdays (not 100% true, but I won't say that the thought never crosses my mind!)

Anyway, things in the management sense aren't that great right now, but I have been reminded of why I love my job so much. I work on a pediatric floor, so we have patients from infants all the way though teenagers (and sometimes young adults). However, it seems like lately I've been taking care of A LOT of teenagers...and have found that I really enjoy working with them. I think it's probably my experience of dealing with "the" teen for 16 months. My dad also enjoys working with that age and coaches 7th and 8th grade girls basketball.

Even though days like today ended up being a little stressful, I also had fun teasing the teenagers (I did a LOT of that over the weekend!) and making the most of a situation that is really not pleasant for them. I also once again witnessed today how GREAT my floor can work as a team. I had a new patient come around 5:00 and at one point soon after she arrived, she said something like "can you get any more people in here?!" Seriously, there were 3 nurses and a nursing assistant in there helping to make sure she and her parents were adequately settled in. The doctor arrived very quickly after that and things got set in motion very fast to get her the care she needed. Even the doctors commented on how well we did things even though she needed a CT and then an IV and then an MRI and then get moved to the ICU...all which was done by 7:45! There was so much coordinating and moving going on (right at the end of our LONG shift), but everyone took it all in stride, helping me with giving other patients' medications, transporting, making phone calls and giving her the best care possible. I think it would have been really cool to watch from "above" (I even managed to keep my cool which I don't always do when I'm stressed out!) to witness teamwork in action.

I do love my job...at the end of the day, I love my job. I love my patients and their families. I love that (most of) my co-workers can put aside any differences and help each other have the best shift possible. I love being able make a difference in peoples' lives just by being there. As my bio says, I have been taking care of "younger people" for as long as I remember (my sister is 23 months younger than me and I was the oldest grandchild on both sides of the family) and I have always known that I wanted to work with kids. I decided when I was in high school that a pediatric nurse was where I should do that work and never looked back.

I am blessed that I have found a place that feels "right"...even though it definitely has it's challenges (big ones and small ones). I can't see myself going anywhere else and finding as much fulfillment as I do now.

Crazy Life

I've been super busy since my last post. My house is a disaster and I should be either cleaning or going to bed since I'm also completely exhausted. But, I wanted to "check in" so I can write about this crazy life I'm living...

I was pretty much recovered from my "bad adult decision" by the time I went back to work on Wednesday. Wednesday wasn't too crazy busy, but I was emotional because of the events that occurred my previous shift and not thinking it would be that appropriate to discuss since there will be a "root cause analysis" which completely stinks.

My parents had two seventeen-year-old girls from Japan stay with them from Tuesday until today. Since I was off on Thursday, that was "my day" to take them. So, the teen and I took them to the mall. We walked around everywhere and took them out to lunch.

Thursday night, the teen, the little one, and I all went to a meeting at my agency. It was mandatory for all foster parents to discuss the foster parent-biological parent relationship. There was day care for the little one and the teen got service hours for school to help with the kids. It was a really good meeting with a nice discussion. Basically, the protocol for new placements will be that there is phone contact between parents within 24 hours and a face-to-face meeting within 7 days. There was some "heartburn" about this, but after discussion, it does sound like something that is beneficial for all involved--both sets of parents AND the child. As much as the girls' mom drives me crazy and some of the decisions she has made (and continues to make) leave me heartbroken, she is still their mom and it is important that her kids see us working together (or at least APPEAR to be working together). There is so much more about this, but is going to have to be for another post (I inadvertently put my Social Worker friend into a position where she was basically attacked by people who didn't think it was/is important for foster parents to have some sort of relationship/communication with biological parents...sorry again!)

Friday, I went back to work and since we were kind of short staffed, I had to take one more patient than we usually take, so it was a busy day and my legs were already tired from the trip to the mall! I also found out that the teen's mom called her school, said she didn't have any money for tuition, and that was that. I finally got in touch with the new service coordinator and told it her would be really nice to know where the teen was going to school seeing as HER school starts Thursday, but all the OTHER schools in town start on Monday...she was going to try and set up a family team meeting for Tuesday to discuss school stuff and visitation since it has not yet been proven that mom can get kids to and from school. Again, something that would have been nice to discuss a MONTH ago!

Saturday, the girls left for their visit. I texted their mom to say they were on their way and reminded her about the teen's doctor appointment on Monday that SHE had to get her to. She acted like she forgot which really wasn't funny and then had to tell me about all her aches/pains/problems AND also about some fancy party she was going to attend. Sometimes her narcissism is REALLY annoying. My parents and I brought the Japanese girls to an outside mall and walked a ton. Then, my dad and I brought them to see Cowboys and Aliens which was pretty violent (for PG-13) and a little scary, but he wanted a movie with not a lot of dialogue since their English wasn't THAT great.

Sunday, I had to go BACK to work and really felt like my feet were going to fall off after two trips to malls in flip-flops and two 12-hour shifts. I had a good shift, though, which was nice :)

Today, I woke up feeling like crap because I was so anxious about the day. I had my performance evaluation and had to plead my case for them to give me an "Above Standard" rather than a "Meets Standard" which was not fun and of course I cried, because I always cry (I cried this time when they were questioning me about my peer relationships because I don't feel my peers "get" me...which is one reason this blog is anonymous...this is the "real me" and I'm not questioned for that. Then, I cried when I heard all the super nice things people wrote about me and realized that maybe I am respected more than I think I am.) I was also anxious that I wouldn't be able to attend a meeting of a committee I really enjoy because management didn't seem to be 100% supportive which is very annoying...they made it work and I'm feeling better about that.

I was super nervous that the girls' mom wouldn't get the teen to her appointment, but when I called the clinic to make sure she didn't cancel, they had just checked in...what a relief! Our Family Team Meeting was scheduled for tomorrow at noon. Then, I got a voice mail from the worker that mom is going to meet with the school at that time, so now the meeting is on Thursday at 10. Hopefully the teen will be at school (and the little one too). I believe this is the first time that worker will meet their mom (and my agency worker is on leave, so the first time her covering worker meets her too)...they are in for a treat ;) Apparently, she is really going to push her to be responsible, which is the first time anyone has really done that in 20 months, so I hope she is successful! She is going to watch their school attendance VERY closely (the teen had perfect attendance last year and it sounds like she may have had minimal attendance in the semester prior to entering care). Since their mom is going to be at a meeting at the school at noon and the school is less than a mile from my house, I wonder if she will drop the girls off early... That totally makes sense since she will be in my neighborhood, but she has proven that she doesn't always do things that "make sense" and noon is still over 12 hours away, so she has time to "communicate" with me before then.

So, it's been crazy and I still #1) have no idea where the teen is going to school #2) have no idea when we will get a court report and find out when they are going home and #3) have no idea when they are going to do the "root cause analysis" at work and question me about everything that happened "that day". So, I'm trying not to go crazy and just trust that God has things under control while praying for wisdom and peace to accept whatever comes...

One more night alone before the girls come back...I'm not sure how I will get used to this quiet again (every once in a while is very nice, but night after night will be REALLY weird!) Time for bed.

Good night.

Heartbreaking

While I was feeling a lot better today (although I traded hangover for cramps, that really IS better...), there is still a lot going on inside, and maybe I shouldn't have canceled my therapy appointment, but some of it I can talk out here too. I continue to be haunted by the images I witnessed on Sunday and the events of the day are playing over and over in my head. I still need to "write my notes", but right now things are really fresh in my mind and I just didn't make the time to write them down. I am a little nervous about what I will have to face at work tomorrow, knowing that the last time I was there, a patient I cared for died. It is heartbreaking, but thankfully there have been enough "rewards" in the past nine years that I can't imagine doing anything else.

The teen is still sick and has been sleeping for four days. After the agency worker left (she said I should probably take her to the doctor if she continues this way), I called the doctor's office and talked to a nurse. I had her review the teen's labs (since I never got to see them...remember, I was in the middle of a circus). She said that everything looked fine, but this is kind of going on for a while. However, she said the the phenergan will make her REALLY tired, so if she has been taking it around the clock, which she has, then that explains a lot. So, I told the teen to start backing off the meds a little bit so she can be awake and try to eat something, since some of the pain could be related to not eating much in days. I'm not sure how much is actually still being sick, how much is anxiety with everything going on (school starts next week and we have no clue where she will be living...), and how much is the attention she is getting from me (although her mom did actually call her twice today, which is a nice surprise). I am hoping she is better tomorrow not only for her sake (because having a sick kid, even a teenager, is a bit heartbreaking), but because I don't have time to take her to the doctor!

I got a call from their mom a little after 10:00 while I was working out. I called her when I was done. She told me the little one woke up crying and she didn't feel well, and had a low fever (even though she doesn't have a thermometer). She had on her whiny voice, reminded me how much she knows her kids, told me that the little one has so much fun with her brothers that I don't even know, and said she was going to have to take the bus to get the little one back to my house that afternoon...and she HATED to bring her out in the sun (even though it actually was a REALLY nice day). She said it would take 2-3 hours to get to my house from hers taking the bus (apparently she couldn't "con"vince one of her family members to drive them this afternoon). So, I offered to just come and get her. The plan was for her to drop her off at 2:30, but I left at 1 to get her so I could try and give her a nap.

When I picked her up, she looked 100% normal and did not appear sick in the slightest. When I got her to the car, I asked her why she cried at her mom's and she said "because I wanted you". She pretty much denied that she was sick. Heartbreaking, yes...and makes it even harder to see that reunification is best between that and the teen wanting to stay with me at my "quiet house" when she was sick. She talked non-stop the entire way home, so apparently her throat didn't hurt too much. Then, she ate a "million" pieces of pepperoni and something else, so apparently she didn't really have a loss of appetite as her mom claimed. I checked her temperature and it was perfect. She took an hour and a half nap without a fuss. She stuck to me like glue during dinner at DQ with my family (and the two teenage Japanese girls who are staying with my parents for the week starting today). I promised her I wasn't going to leave her. (She warmed up to the girls when they brought her to the park for my entire softball game.)

She did repeat the "I cried because I wanted you" phrase for the agency worker when I asked her about it, so it wasn't a one time deal. At bedtime, she cried for her brothers. Her brothers did not stay at her mom's last night, so I imagine she maybe was freaking out when she realized she was all alone with her mom?! Sad to say, but even after all the weeks of weekend overnight visits, there is still very little bond with her mom (in my opinion). Of course, it seems their mom spends very little time caring for her children independently and there always seems to be another relative around, or at least the teen, to "help". It is really, really sad...but not really enough of a reason to continue to keep them in my home rather than hers.

It's been a rough five days and I really hope things start to get better because I'm not sure I can take much more of this heartbreaking stuff :( I suppose it comes with the territory of being a pediatric nurse and a foster parent, but that doesn't mean it's easy!

It Only Got Worse

The weekend not only didn't get better, it definitely got worse. Yesterday may have been the worst day I have ever had at work in the nine years I have been a nurse. Well, maybe it is just the "worst" because it involved my patient "crashing" at change of shift meaning I didn't get home until 9:00 PM (I started work at 7:00 AM). Then, I found out today that there is going to be a type of "investigation" about how the day went and I was told to get my notes ready. That is probably all I should write about it, even though this is a basically private blog. Needless to say, the patient (a child-I'm a pediatric nurse) was "terminally" ill, but was not expected to die yesterday...but the patient did die. It was a terrible, horrible day and now I will be forced to re-live it over and over again in my nightmares and in real life as I am questioned about the events of the day. My thought is that someone was "confronted" about why this or that happened and decided to turf the "blame" to me. So, that's just awesome and makes me super excited to go back to work on Wednesday (but, I'm thankful to have had today off as well as tomorrow to recover). To be fair, the pediatric nursing director called me (and the charge nurse) this morning to get our side of the story and it did seem to be listening to me...I did admit to being hungover because...

last night when I got home from work, I decided to drink this:

That glass is all that is left from the bottle of New Zealand Chardonnay I found in my fridge. Before I went to bed, the kitchen was spinning and I staggered down the hallway to my room...where I was in bed briefly before running to the bathroom and throwing up all my "dinner". I slept for a few hours before getting up to vomit again...and the sleep/vomit cycle continued until about 4:00 PM. I still have a headache and my stomach is telling me it is hungry, but I'm a bit afraid to eat anything. (I stopped writing for a few minutes to talk to the teen who slept all day long, but just started singing, so I think she is feeling better than she admits... I did eat some Jello and some cereal and feel "ok".)

The girls' mom did call today (we missed each other yesterday since I was at work and WAY to busy to talk, especially to deal with her nonsense). She claimed that she didn't have her phone all day on Saturday which is why she never called (and didn't get my message). She told me that she did talk to the teen on Friday night and told her it was okay to skip the visit since my house is much quieter than hers. It's still an "interesting" choice in my opinion and definitely shows that the teen is comfortable here...although what is going to happen when she goes home? I talked to the agency worker to give her an update (I did talk to her briefly during a moment I decided to sit down yesterday...one of the VERY few times). She thinks I handled Friday night well with allowing their mom to feel like she was "in charge". Also, she agreed that it was good that I didn't make her feel badly for choosing to stay with me instead of her mom (I still think that if there is the super strong mother-daughter bond that they think there is, then she would have wanted to be with her mom when she was sick...or at least have the option of seeing her whenever she woke up from her naps.) She thinks the girls may be even be asking to spend more time at my house than I want ;)

Still no word from the Judge and no word from the case manager about setting up a family team meeting to discuss what visits will look like when school starts. I think tomorrow marks 10 weeks of waiting...

Well, I'd better get ready for bed since I need to be a bit more productive tomorrow!

Good night.