Trying to Trust

Tomorrow morning, Zoe's mom goes to court. Even though the caseworker (confidentially) told me that they are not recommending Zoe go live with her aunt at this time, I still have no idea how it is going to go. Her reasoning when we spoke last weekend was because of the aunt being "undocumented". While that's all fine and dandy because I don't think Zoe should leave my home any time soon, I don't like that immigration status is the reason. The reasons should be the fact that her aunt has not been involved in her cares and her mom is still being non-compliant with her treatment, medications, and diet.

I pushed for her mom to be able to do her evening treatment and administer medications at the day care Monday through Friday at the end of her visits (which are Monday through Friday from 4-8 after she goes to school from 9-4 which totally sucks in my opinion). Zoe is completely out of control and the treatments that take 30-45 minutes take 60-90 minutes for her with Zoe screaming and crying the entire time. Thursday, her mom tried to refuse to do the treatment and I told the worker that her visit needed to ended early then, so mom threw a tantrum, but did the treatment. Friday, her mom basically threw a tantrum at the day care saying that it smelled (to be honest, it did...it is a day care for kids with special needs) and took Zoe into the bathroom for 30 minutes in the middle of her treatment. She also purposefully used the wrong nebulizer for her antibiotic which is unacceptable in my opinion. She has said she will not do treatments at the day care any more (and wants to do them at her house...I am really stressed that they are going to let her even though her noncompliance and lack of parental authority is what got her into this situation to begin with and it is not at all in Zoe's best interest for that to happen...I don't even think that her aunt should be the one to do the supervising because that sounds like a recipe for disaster with Zoe's health at stake).

So, I'm really struggling with trust, even though I'm constantly reminding myself to trust God (and the system) and telling myself to let go of what is out of my control, I'm still having a hard time. I'm also trying really hard to get rid of all my "f-bombs" before court tomorrow and find some better words if the Judge asks me what I think. My dream would be for her to stay in my care and them to change visits to a couple of times a week so we have more time together to work on things like her speech, listening skills, vocabulary, and be able to do fun things like go look at Christmas lights or see the big tree at the museum. Right now, she is gone every night until late and I barely have time to get her a snack, a bath, and a book before it's after 9:00 (or 9:45!)

Your prayers (or good thoughts) are welcome. I just want what's best for her. Cystic Fibrosis is a horrible disease and I'm afraid her life span has already been shortened due to the persistent noncompliance in her first 4 1/2 years of life. In the 12 weeks she has been with me, she has been on oral antibiotics for 6 weeks anda inhaled antibiotics for 5 weeks. She has had to increase her treatments from twice a day to three times a day for about 5 weeks too due to illness. The Pulmonologist told me that she will likely need to be hospitalized if she gets sick again, which is a possibility with cold and flu season about to come.

Hopefully I'll have time to update tomorrow (I'll for sure post something on twitter when I know something @ iloveblogs44 )

Two Weeks

Zoe's mom goes back to court two weeks from today, on December 3. She has made minimal progress in terms of dietary compliance, although Zoe has been gaining an appropriate amount of weight, so that doesn't "appear" to be an issue. She still has unstable housing, telephone access, and employment. She has been seeing her five days a week for visits and they do appear to have a good bond, although Zoe is a completely different child when her mom is present. She has been very inconsistent with her parenting and Zoe definitely pushes the limits. For example, her mom just started doing her evening treatment and medication (after a strong push from me to get her involved in that). What normally takes me 30 minutes has taken an hour or more because she can't get Zoe to cooperate. Four and a half years of not having "authority" over your child is not going to go away overnight. She has had supervised visits, but I'm not sure they have been doing "parenting" teaching, so that is hopefully in the works.

So, the plan is not to send Zoe home to her mom yet. However, they want to place her with mom's sister, Zoe's aunt. I have some concerns about this, mostly because her aunt has an infant and taking care of a child with Cystic Fibrosis is a LOT of work! I've been a pediatric nurse for over 10 years and think I would struggle if I had to juggle another child on top of all her needs. However, I guess she will do what she has to do and I will pray that she doesn't get burned out and given enough support so she isn't set up to fail. Zoe's mom can be kind of a "care blocker" because she doesn't have consistent parenting and Zoe knows that. I worry about the aunt being able to establish boundaries with her sister so Zoe's needs are met...

But, it sounds like it is going to happen, so I should try not to worry so much, try and let go of some of my "control issues" and CHOOSE to make the most of whatever time we have left. She is a really sweet girl and I will definitely miss her snuggles and silliness. But, that's part of life as a foster parent. My job is to give the children a safe, loving, and stable environment for however long I am blessed to have them in my home...and my love will remain in their hearts forever.

Will You Get More?

It's been just over 23 months since I first met the girls.

 It's been just over 7 months since the girls went home.

And yet...they are still a very big part of my life.

I know it's just because people are curious, but I've been getting the "will you get more" question a lot recently. I attended a foster parent appreciation night party on Friday night. I spoke at foster parent training in October and again in March. One mom from each group came and talked to me about how things were going post-reunification. Another mom came and asked how things were going. The mom I talked to at the last training came to gave me her information (and asked me if the teen had an "IEP" which I may look into) and asked how things were. 

All of them wanted to know if/when I was taking more placements.

I do, at times, feel guilty that I haven't taken any more placements. I wonder if I should be "keeping my life on hold" when it seems unlikely that the teen will get her wish of moving back here on a permanent/semi-permanent basis. 

My response to them was that one of the caseworkers told me I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. She's also the one who told me I'd "know when I knew"...and she was definitely right then. 

I thought I was "ready" for "more" at the end of January, beginning of February right before everything blew up with the teen. I'm thankful now that I have been able to be fully present for her during these past three months...and the months to come.

Today while I was at work, I missed a call about a 15-year-old girl who needed a placement. She was at my hospital (but not in my area) being treated for physical abuse, maybe getting released today. I got the message pretty soon after it was left and my first call was to the teen. I asked her how she would feel about me getting another placement. She told me it was fine (I asked her lots of times to make sure). I let her know that it wouldn't change how I felt about her and she was my #1 priority, so she could say no. However, once I had her blessing, I called my dad and asked if he'd be able to help with the bed situation since I just have one "spare" bed that the teen uses (and a toddler bed). I called the worker back less than 20 minutes after the initial call came in. I got a little more information and she said she or another worker would call me with more information (she thought maybe I could at least do "emergency" this week since I only work Wednesday and then the weekend). She called me pretty quickly after we hung up to tell me they found another place for her...

So, I suppose the answer to "will you get more" is "probably", but I'm choosing to trust that God has the timing and the details all worked out.

In the mean time, I know I'll get to spend time with the teen tomorrow and Tuesday (and maybe Thursday)...and for that, I know I'm blessed.

Good night.

Morning Surprise

The girls' mom called me shortly before 9:00 this morning. She started off asking me if I had a copy of the teen's birth certificate which I don't. We gradually moved to a conversation about the teen and she told me that I could text her (on her new temporary phone) and let her know I can pick her up from school so we can talk. Wow. I totally didn't see that coming, but I was definitely praying for it! Yesterday was a hard day. I couldn't see an end to this in sight and I only had to "sleep on it" one more night.

Choosing to trust...yep, I'll keep on doing that...even when it's hard.

Now, hopefully the teen will talk to me now that we have a chance.

Let 'em Fall

I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've been living this "nightmare" for 10 days or because it is "that time of the month" or a combination of those and other things, but today I could no longer hold back the tears.

Up until this point, I have been able to (mostly) hold myself together, but today I just had to let them fall. Usually, crying comes easy to me, so I'm not sure why I tried so hard to keep them away this time. Maybe I was hopeful that things would be "better" by now, but honestly I feel worse and can't even see "better" happening.

I guess this is when I need to bring in my "choose to trust"...I suppose I knew that "choosing" would come with it's challenges, but I obviously didn't expect this...trusting is hard...

I feel so out of control in this situation and have no idea what to do from here. I mean, how many times can I call her mom and "beg" her to change her mind about letting me talk to the teen (and about the restraining order)?! She is not rational and it almost upsets me more to talk to her because I can't really say what I want to say to her (since I need her to believe I'm "on her side"...which, I guess for the most part I am, except for the poor handling of a teenage mistake).

My eyes well up with tears when I think about how much I miss the teen. Thinking back to the fall when the girls went home, the first 11 days were the toughest. The not knowing was so hard. It feels even harder this time, though, since it isn't wondering if/when the teen will contact me, it's knowing that she wants to but she can't.

I feel like I have abandoned her, even though I know it is out of my control. I know that her mom turned her against her first foster mom by telling her she was "unwanted" and I have no control over what things are being said about me now. All I can do is pray that she continues to feel my love in her heart and know that I will never stop loving her, even though I am not happy with the choices she made. I want her to know that it is SO hard not to send her instant messages when I see her online. I want her to know that it has taken great restraint for me not to call everyone I know who knows her too and have them remind her that I love her.

I also went back and read the note she gave me that reminds me that she loves me too...and will never forget our time together.

Dear Amanda,
Thank you for all that you have done for me and my sister. We made many great memories, did lots of things together. The time that I spent in your house and at (her high school) has made me a better person. I always believed that everything happens for a reason. God may put us through hardships in our life, but we just have to make the best. God never will give you more than you can handle. Although not being with my mom, I was still able to be happy because I was surrounded by good people. As I look back now at all the time that we spent together, I see all the good memories we had. While your house was only a temporary home, it felt like a real one (Temporary Home-Carrie Underwood). Even though I still have a very long journey ahead, I feel that I will be successful. When I graduate from (her high school) and go to college, I will look back and remember you. You helped make it possible for me to get to that point. All the long nights of helping me study, writing outlines, projects, and writing songs will help me get to that point of life. Thank you for all that you have helped me with. When it comes time for me to graduate, I'll be sure that I send you an invitation to my graduation. I'm sure my sister feels the same way about you and all you have done for us.
Love Always, M & L


Good night.

The Tough Stuff

I have completed my second of three shifts in a row. I "never" work three days in a row (that is nearly 39 hours in three days...just sayin'). However, I think it is coming at a good time seeing as it is one week after the life that I knew changed in an instant. Not only that, but I was blessed with AMAZING patients/families making it worth the long days (and super busy ones...our floor is HOPPING!)

I admitted a patient at 6:15 last night which is (nearly) the worst possible time. By that point you are tired and just want to go home (we start giving report around 7:00 with the intention to be off at 7:30, but that often doesn't happen). So, sometimes it is hard to be welcoming and patient after you have been working for over 11 hours, but you do your best. Yesterday, though, I introduced myself to the young teenage boy who was being rolled into the room after surgery. I said "Hi, I'm Amanda, I'm going to be your nurse". Now, to be fair, he had gotten some good drugs, but he said "That's awesome!" His adorable grandparents (both sets) were there as were his parents. His parents said "we are SO happy to be here!" Seriously?! Who ARE you people?! But, THANK you for being here too because this is exactly what I needed (because, seriously, getting a new patient at 6:15 SUCKS...just sayin')

My other patients were nice with grateful parents too which does make all the difference in the world. Of course, it was heartbreaking dealing with the other young teenage boy who intentionally overdosed who was treating his mom like crap and she left in tears. I don't know a lot about mental illness, but this child is definitely ill and I hope he is able to get the help he needs. He was much nicer to her today, but that is tough stuff. However, I am grateful to have been given these moments to spend with him and his family as they deal with this (as well as my other patients/families).

Anyway, that wasn't going to be the point of this post. However, those moments are helping to distract me from the "drama" in my personal life.

I miss her, though. It makes my eyes well up with tears just thinking about it.

I check my phone and my email all the time thinking there may be some "randomness" from her...and then remember that there won't be (CAN'T be) anything from her. I have caught myself wanting to send her "little tidbits" too, especially about some of the "newsworthy" stuff that has been going on at my "Alma Maters".

I'm sad that I can't get closure/start to forgive because I don't REALLY know what happened. Sure, I know her mom's side of the story. I imagine I am in a state of denial, but I typically only believe half of what her mom tells me. So, it is tough to know what really happened without hearing from the teen herself. I am not sure when/if that will happen.

I know her mom is angry and hurting, but I feel like she is being selfish not allowing me to talk to her daughter. Granted, "selfish" is something I am used to dealing with when it comes to her, but this time it really affects me. I don't think cutting off someone she loves and trusts is the best way to deal with her. I know you need to set limits/boundaries, but there are a lot worse things she could do than talk to me (in my opinion) and her mom would have little/no control of that.

It is hard to focus on all the fun memories we have rather than think about all the things we (maybe) won't be able to do. The movies I'd like to see with her, the baseball cames I'd like to take her to, the college fair we made plans to attend, the ABC Family shows I'd like to discuss with her...

So, this is "the tough stuff", but I am choosing to be grateful for "the good stuff" too.

Happy Valentine's Day

While I am (very) sad that there will be no Valentine's wishes to/from the girls today, I did get to celebrate this "day of love" with my mom, sister, and nephew at lunch. I'm also going to go watch my dad's last basketball game tonight and hear that he, my mom, and I will be "hitting the bar" after that (hopefully they win!) I got pre-10 AM texts from both my mom and sister wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day and got a phone call from my foster mom friend. I made an appointment to see my therapist tomorrow night. So, it's a day to "choose love" and be thankful for all the love I am blessed with in this life.

I brought a "craft" for my nephew to do while we waited for our food. He did a good job and we had fun :) I hope your day is filled with people you love too...and also feeling the love in your heart of those who you are missing today.

Update: I got a message from the teen this afternoon (sent from her email account). She wrote "Well, I do know what my mom told you, but I just find it hard to tell you that and it not be in person" in response to her mom saying we cannot communicate and her telling me that she wants to live with me. All I could do was tell her that we aren't supposed to be talking and I could get in a lot of trouble if her mom is that upset and also suggest she talk to someone else like one of her teachers...and that I love her. I called my caseworker and she said there isn't anything else I can do, but continue to encourage her to talk to someone else and support her through this the best I can while respecting her mom's decision that we not communicate. This is so hard...and I know she is hurting too which makes it even worse.

Choose: Change

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

~Mohandas Gandhi

Yesterday was a really good day at work. No yelling and no crying. I really needed a nice, smooth, drama-free day after the way the week was going. The night charge nurse kind of let an extra nurse work which was quite the change from how Monday went. I actually was a little bit "bored", but that's never a word you use in my kind of work (or probably any kind of work!) However, I was counting my blessings and thanking God for answering my prayers for a quiet shift all day long :)

I found a couple trusted people to talk to about what happened on Tuesday after my meeting (a Child Life specialist and one of the day shift charge nurses). During our conversation as well as the couple of conversations I had with one of the women from Tuesday, I decided that HR wasn't the right way to go. She also told me that it would be hard to explain why she was at the meeting if she was. However, all of us agreed that I do need to have someone else there whenever I meet with them. I don't want it to be awkward since I should be able to talk to management myself, but I also don't want my words twisted around (or ignored) and I don't want to be "bullied" (or told things would change without anyone there to hold them accountable to their promises). 

I am going to meet with two of the women on Tuesday morning to go over my "notes". I need to put together what I want to say/what the purpose of the meeting is. Basically, I think that my strongest emotion is sadness. I'm sad that this is the way things are. I'm sad that people don't trust them. I'm sad that they have seem to have no clue about a lot of things. I'm sad that the joy of my work is often corrupted by "drama" and "politics" that sometimes hinders the care I am able to give. 

It makes me nervous, but I feel like it is my responsibility to say something now that I know something needs to be said. If I want there to be a change, I need to "be the change". I can't wait for someone else to do something (especially since people have already tried). It takes a long time to re-build trust, but the re-building can't start until they know it needs to happen. 

More to come on this, but less than four weeks into the year and I think "Choose" was a good word for 2012...especially since Choosing "Change" isn't something I would normally do.

Living With the Choices

This afternoon, I was talking to two high school Seniors from my alma mater who were volunteering on my unit. I've talked to them before, but it had been a while. Today, they started asking me questions about being a Nurse Practitioner versus being a Physician's Assistant, dealing with patient death's as a pediatric nurse, and being a nurse in general.

As I answered their questions, I also shared a lot about myself, including some of the choices I have made to get me to this point. I got a 32 on my ACT. I graduated third in my class of 64 with a 4.0. I was involved in lots of activities and held officer positions in a couple of clubs. They were "wowed" by those facts and thought I "for sure" would have had a full ride scholarship to college. Well, I was offered an almost full-ride (75% tuition plus $1000 room and board) to a local private university. However, my "dream" was to go to college out-of-state. So, I took my scholarship that ended up barely paying for one class by the end of my four years and went 500 miles away to college. Even though it's been nearly 10 years since I graduated, I can't see an end to the student loan payments.

When I was about to graduate from college (with my Bachelor's of Science in Nursing--in 4 years without any summer school thank-you-very-much [with closer to a "B" average than an "A" one]), I had a choice to make. I could stay where I was, I could go back home, or somewhere else altogether. I had an East Coast fascination (obsession) with years of watching Regis & Kathie Lee and the Today show as a middle schooler on. I looked at East Coast Universities, but ultimately chose differently. The children's hospital back home was offering a $10,000 sign on bonus and tuition reimbursement. The East Coast children's hospital I chose couldn't even guarantee me full-time hours, and had no tuition reimbursement or sign-on bonus. I moved over 1000 miles away from home knowing no one. I lived by myself in a two-bedroom apartment for an entire year (the first three months my sister lived with me).

As I spoke, it was hard to remember what was going through my mind when I was making those tough choices (and as I write, I wonder what my parents were thinking as I was making those decisions!) They asked me if I was making the same decisions now, if I would do things differently or not.

I told them that I don't have regrets about the decisions I made, even though thinking about how much money I could have saved while I am currently in a lot of debt does make me question it a little bit. I said that you can't put a price on experiences and encounters.

Where would I be now if I didn't decide to go away to college or go away to work? Would I feel "stuck" in my hometown wondering why I never took a chance to try something else? Would I really believe that I could manage "on my own" and feel comfortable meeting new people in unfamiliar places? Would I be confident enough to "take charge" had I not left my comfort zone? While surely there would have been as many "cool people" had I chosen another path, there are so many people who helped shape me to the person I am today that removing one of them would change who I have become.

And, like I told the girls when they asked about taking care of patients who die...I believe that every person comes into my life for a reason...to teach me something...to help me be a better daughter/sister/friend/nurse/mom...to remind me that life is precious and not to take any moment for granted.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." ~James Dean
I used this quote in every college admission and scholarship essay and still hold the message close to my heart. Not to live recklessly, but intentional about the choices I make each and every day.

Good night.

Gentle Reminders

I had to switch shifts at work in order to be off for the court hearing. I'm still not sure how I feel about the case being closed, but the girls' mom did text me back when I texted her yesterday, so it isn't like that fact closed off communication or anything. I am hopeful that it won't change anything...and actually maybe this will make the relationship less "threatening"...if there ever was a "threat".

Because I switched shifts, I worked Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. 12-hour shifts usually turn into nearly 13 and I rarely work three of them in a row since I enjoy my couch and my sleep ;) However, these three actually were good ones and I worked with my "work friend" for two of them (I know I wrote about the fact that I now have a "work friend" but I'm not going to go look for the link now...but, just in case I "forget", this friend has the same name as my sister only spelled differently. ;) ) We had good teamwork and actually had some "down time" moments where we could visit and watch "Utube"videos and such.

Yesterday (Sunday) was "family day"...and a busy one! I went to my mom and dad's after church and my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew were there (my parents go to 9:00 church and I go to 11). There was a ton of leftover breakfast (sausage, bacon, and hash browns) and my mom made more chocolate chip pancakes for me. My sister and brother-in-law went to the grocery store, so my mom gave my nephew a bath and then we "baby-sat" until they came back from the store (I believe my mom even let me be the only one in the room with him for a little while...for some reason my sister and mom seem to be anxious about that...at least it feels like it sometimes.)

I then went with my dad to watch one of his basketball teams play. He coaches two 7th grade girls teams and I haven't been able to go to many games this season (I went to one "A" game and yesterday was my first "B" game since the other team forfeited when I went last week.) He let his assistant coaches coach and they didn't do it like he usually does, so that was sad and his team probably would have won if they ran things the way he usually does...oh well, it was still a good game (and I got to see one of the women who was at the Thanksgiving retreat I attended since her daughter was on the other team.)

Before the game, I also talked to one of the girls' mom's. She is a pediatrician, but we actually talked about my foster parenthood. It felt good to talk about it, especially in light of the "case closed" from this week. She asked me how day care worked during that 16 months and I found myself talking about how my mom and dad picked them up/dropped them off and my sister watched the little one for 10 months. I wasn't really thinking about how much help they were to me until she pointed it out. She said they didn't have grandparents nearby. I needed that gentle reminder after the complaining that I do and my thoughts about what could happen when I take another placement. My family really is great and have been supportive of me and my choices the best way they know how...even though sometimes it doesn't feel like they understand.

After that game, I went with my mom and sister to watch a college basketball game. My dad had other things to do and my mom's boss had three tickets (since he wasn't going but his wife was). The seats are awesome and it was a good game. I got to talk to her boss' wife for a little while (maybe even more than I talked to my mom and sister, actually!)

Then, as if the day wasn't busy enough, I met up with a friend from high school and her friend for a couple of drinks. She is actually going out-of-town tomorrow on a "mommy spa vacation" by herself for four days to recoup from a stress/anxiety/depression filled few months. I think it's awesome that she is doing that for herself and that her husband thought it was important. She talked about how her in-laws help with their boys and it was another gentle reminder to me as I was questioning the weird vs non-weird-ness of my mom giving my nephew a bath and my sister and brother-in-law waiting until someone could watch their kid for them to go to the grocery store. I guess you appreciate the help you can get...and if you don't have to do it alone, then don't?

Today was another jam-packed day...but enjoyable and not at all productive at home! I went to a staff meeting at work that went from 7:30-9:00. Usually I don't go on my days off, but there isn't one on any of the days I work this week. Since they were discussing our job satisfaction scores, I thought it was important to be there. I was able to give my "two cents" and then some about the way things are right now (not great). I'm actually glad I wasn't working because I never would have been able to stay that long!

After the meeting, I went and got my progesterone shot for my PCOS that still is not at all under control (hoping they are learning from me and eventually we can come up with a good balance that doesn't involve progesterone shots because they HURT!) Then, I went and worked out. After THAT, I went to the horse races with my dad. We were there for 2 1/2 hours and bet a LOT of races. We only won once, but it was enough that I came out $2 ahead :)

I went to the grocery store, took a nap, then went to my dad's basketball game (they won by a lot tonight!). I watched my "teeny bopper" shows and ate pizza while drinking a Woodchuck. After that, I wrote a long and boring blog post about the events of the past three days ;)

I'm thankful for the gentle reminders the past few days to be grateful for the blessings in my life...

Keeping It Real

Even though it is called "One Word 365", I'm thinking I'd like to write about things other than "Choose" some times, but I did pick that word because it was something that was relevant to every day, so we'll see what happens!

The past couple of days have brought me some internal struggles. Rather than simply "choosing" to forget them/put them in the past, I think it is important to write them down and then "let them go" that way.

Saturday, I did have a good day at work. My "one" work friend (meaning, pretty much the only person who I work with that I actually talk to outside work) and I got to work together and we were busy, but at least we were together. I found out that my co-workers are going to have a "biggest loser" contest. I would like to participate since at work, I'm not much seen as "social" most of the time. However, it costs $20 to enter the contest which is a lot of money in my opinion. I could definitely stand to lose a few pounds, but even if I was "miraculously" able to drop to 110 or 115 (I'm 5 feet tall), I doubt that would be anywhere close to winning percentage wise. So, I'll have to choose other ways to be more "socially active" on my unit...in something that doesn't cost as much money!

I was invited to the bar after work, but had already been invited to a "jewelry party" with some people from church. I hadn't seen them in a long time and it was nice to catch up. It sounds like one of the dates I picked in February to have people over will work for most people, so that will be fun! We talked about my foster parenting journey since I hadn't seen them much/at all when I had the girls or in the time since they went back home. In conversation, I quickly realized that all of them have kids the little one's age. I became disappointed with myself that I/we didn't get together and she lived her for 16 months! I guess never during that time did I believe she would be here that long. So, maybe it was done subconsciously (or consciously except I don't remember!) to protect her from getting close to many people she wouldn't see again? Or, maybe if it would have been just her, I would have done more  "play dates", but since it was her and a teenager, there were other things we did with the time we had?

Maybe if we we done "play dates" during those 16 months, she would be better at socializing with her peers, maybe she would know her colors, maybe she would be able to recognize her letters...I know I shouldn't beat myself up because there was so much I DID teach and show her, but the "what ifs" were loud and clear this weekend... I suppose every parent has things they wish they would have done differently, said differently, so there is no reason to think I should be immune to that, but it doesn't change the feeling (and why I called this post "keeping it real"...these guilty/regretful feelings were/are there and I ought not pretend they don't exist...)

Also, my mom "suggested" that I tell my sister I would be on her list of people to call when she goes into labor to watch my nephew. That brought a variety of feelings from guilt that I didn't think of it myself and offer without feeling a "guilt trip" first to resentment that it felt like I was "expected" to offer since it isn't like I have anything else going on. I love my sister and I love my nephew (and my mom too, of course!) and I do think this is kind of a "sisterly duty" to help...and surely I would want the same assistance. However, I can't help but think about all the times we are together and half the time I feel like they don't even trust me to be alone with him...which is so crazy considering I have been taking care of younger people since my sister was born (shortly before I turned two ;) ) but, it's definitely a "vibe" I get (maybe unfounded, but again, just keeping it real). Thankfully, when my sister brought it up, she was nice about it and said she'd have me "on the list"...and I'll get her my work schedule (crazy it could only be 6 more weeks!)

Another "issue" I had with the "suggestion" is the feeling that my family would be really upset with me if I even "toyed" with the idea of accepting another placement any time soon. I'm not 100% sure I'm ready yet, but I'm definitely feeling like I'll be ready before my family will think it's "ok". I know that my decision will be made to do what is best for me and what I feel God is calling me to do, but it is hard to even think about the possibility of hurting my family in the process. This post is long enough, but  yesterday I read book two of this series. That will be an entire post in itself, but the "long story short" is that I still believe God has called me to be a foster mom to at least one more child. I don't know when or what that child will look like, but hopefully I am wrong about how my family will feel about it.

This isn't exactly how this post was written in my head, but I feel better putting the feelings of jealousy, regret, guilt, resentment, and hurt out there so I can look back and see how far I've come when they truly are in the past :)

Good night.

Choose: Community

I'm sitting here wearing a new (purple) sweater, new ("skinny") jeans, and new boots (black with buckles). I'm sort of wishing I had somewhere fun to go this evening since I'm feeling "cute". But, instead I'm choosing to write about the positives (other than the fact that these jeans are my first purchase from Americ@n E@gle, I only paid $25 for the boots at K0hl's when they were regularly $70 and the cute sweater came from my grandma for Christmas).

One of the things I mentioned this post was choosing to cultivate friendships and community this year. Making and keeping friends can be hard work, especially when the "best" friends I have "live in my computer" (aka far away). However, the movie nights, dinner dates, coffee meet-ups, game days, pizza parties, etc. aren't going to plan themselves...and getting invited to anything that is planned isn't going to happen if I don't express interest in doing anything (or say yes when people do think to ask me).

So, after realizing that I haven't hung out with people from church in a long time (and visiting with one couple after church on Sunday and running into another one at the store), I decided to plan something. I found a couple of dates in February when I was off two days in a row and sent a fb message. So far, one of the dates works for the three people who responded, so hopefully it will work for the other three as well. That message also led to an invitation to a jewelry party tomorrow night. I have to work, but they live down the street, so I can easily pop home to change and then head over. She also invited everyone else in the "thread", so I would say I started a "ripple effect" ;)

I also got an email from my "longest friend" (I used to baby-sit her kids) this week. She wrote "Cute Christmas card. I am totally missing you." Of course, that made me tear up because I totally miss her too...it has been a LONG time since we visited! So, I sent her a bunch of dates that I'm off during the next few weeks. I haven't heard back from her, but hopefully we can connect this month.

My friend that I met through foster parenting before I was a foster parent (she was a family support worker and I was a nurse assigned to supervised visits) texted me this week to see if I wanted to do a morning movie today. She adopted two kids from foster care and has a foster son right now that is very challenging. She has been a great resource and support to me and I definitely think I'll need her if/when I accept another placement. So, we met to see the movie War Horse. However, I didn't look at the movie times again, so we planned on a 10:35 showing only to find out that today's showings were at 10:15 and 11:15. We had nearly 45 minutes to spare (we didn't realize there would be nearly 20 minutes of previews!), so walked to a coffee shop and visited there for a while. It was a long movie so we didn't have that much time to chat over "lunch" before she had to pick up her kids, but it was a great way to spend the day :)

I am looking forward to writing more about how "choosing" is working for me this year!

Choosing to Choose

Yesterday, I met with my "spiritual director". She is a really sweet woman and I'm blessed to have found what is a bit like another therapist, only free...and we do talk about some things that I don't talk about at therapy, but I'm definitely someone who likes to "talk it out" (hence my super long posts all the time!)

She was curious as to what I had decided on for my "One Word" since I had not 100% decided on "Choose" when we met at the beginning of December. I let her know about the post that Sara's sister wrote that pretty much "sealed the deal" and also that Alece had chosen the same word, which is cool too. Even though, like I mentioned in my first OneWord365 post, I sort of like being a quiet member of these (extremely) large communities, but am thankful that I have the opportunity to be a member and change my mind at any time in terms of how much I want to do. In any case, I think it will serve as a great reminder for me and also keep me accountable.

As she and I talked about what I want "Choose" to look like, I mentioned that I wasn't going to leave "trust" in the past. It isn't "so last year" and I know that I want my choices to be intentional and based on trusting God's hand in my life and it's journey. I also understand that just because I am focusing on "choosing", it isn't in order to be reckless because "I have choices", the choice is mine, free will kind of thing. However, I think being mindful of the choices that I make every day will help when I am faced with something that really does require me to "choose".

While I am not going to make "resolutions" because that's the whole point of picking one word, there are a couple of things I want to be mindful of during this year.

• I realized that I get jealous about things/people more than I would like to admit, and more than I knew. So, in these circumstances, I will need to remind myself to choose thoughts/feelings besides jealousy.
• Reading this post by Alece and this one from Annie showed me that I'm no where near alone in my struggles with friendships, community, and living as a single person. However, there are some things that can be done if I want to change what community looks like in my life. I want to choose to make time to cultivate that this year...with the friends I have, the friends I have lost touch with, and new friends to come.
• Last year, I started a lot of books, but think I may have only finished one. I'd like to finish more than one book this year.
• I found myself struggling at work the last few weeks/months of last year at work. I don't like who I became at work during those times, so will use my word to remind me to choose differently (tomorrow is my first day of work this year, so I'm hoping I had enough of a break to go in with renewed energy and a changed attitude!)
• I don't want to make too long of a list, so I think I will leave this one as "everything else"--choices/conscious efforts to choose in aspects of my life from faith-building, family, parenting, and continued growth and learning from those people placed in my path.

I am choosing to believe that 2012 is going to be a great year!

One Word 365

Last year, I "kind of, sort of" joined Alece and over 300 people in creating "One Word 2011". This year, she created an entire web site and called it "One Word 365". I tend to like my "quiet little corner" in this blogging world, but do like the community that blogging has created for me, so I'm actually planning to "link up" this year. I also think that will make me more accountable to my word (rather than last year when I chose "trust", but never committed to writing an actual post saying I chose trust...you know, just in case it didn't work out...ha!)

I thought about what I wanted my "One Word" for 2012 to be for a long time. Trust turned out to be the perfect word for 2011...even more than I knew when I picked it a year ago. So, I wanted my word for this year to be equally as perfect (or almost at least!). The last week in November/beginning of December, I met with both my therapist and my spiritual director (lots of talking that week...ha!). During both meetings, I talked about how I had picked "trust" for this year and how perfect it was. I also mentioned to both of them that I was working on my "word" for next year and by the end of the week, I was "fairly sure" that I had chosen one. Then, I read this post that Sara's sister wrote the following week and I knew for certain I had made the right choice.

I wanted a word that would be versatile, so I could use it in many different situations. I have days I work, days I stay at home, days I see lots of different people, days I only talk to the people who live in my computer. I also wanted it to be word that I could remember so come June or so when someone asks how my "One Word 365" is going, I'll definitely know what it is/was.

Since I had to take everything off my fridge when it broke last week, my new fridge is a fresh slate. I decided that was the perfect place to put a reminder (just in case I need one). So, without further adieu, my One Word 365 is:

CHOOSE

Every day, we make choices. We don't always get to choose our circumstances or how other people's behavior, but we do have a choice on how we react to them. I can choose to be jealous or choose to be grateful. I can choose disappointment or choose to try again. I can choose to see failures or opportunities.  The list goes on and on. When I think about what I "know" for 2012, I know one big choice will be if/when I will open my home to more foster children. I believe that some of my choices will not be "popular", and not all of my choices will be fully supported by people I love. However, by choosing the word "choose" for this year, I will be forced to make conscious decisions on a regular basis to "choose", even on little things, so when the "big things" come, I'll be ready (hopefully!)

And, even though 2011 is in the past, I will be able to continue using that word whenever I choose to trust...and surely there will be plenty of that this year too.

Feel free to join Alece and friends over at One Word 365 :)

One Word 2011 Wrap Up

Even though I never actually committed to writing a "One Word 2011" post, I did actually choose the word "trust". I went back through my posts from 2011 to try and find posts that mentioned it and was able to find three, all from early in the year. I'm sure there were others, but it was hard to sort through them, so this year I'll have to label them ;) 

On January 1, 2011, I really wanted to link up to Alece's One Word post, but wasn't ready to "commit"...and wanted to think a little more. On January 5, 2011, I was still "thinking", but thought "trust" would be good since I was on a "journey of unknowns". A month later, on February 5, 2011, I pretty much "committed" that "trust" was my word...and that was the first weekend that the girls spent at their mom's after living here for 8 months. It was interesting for me to read those three posts from the beginning of the year tonight and really see that "trust" really was the perfect word for 2011. 

In those posts from January, I was sure the girls would be going home "soon"... I never imagined that they would be here for nine months of 2011 and definitely wouldn't have believed how much I'd get to see/talk to them during the three months since they went home. Little did I know that the "no decision" from court in May 2011 would be nearly 17 weeks of living in "limbo". Having my "One Word" be "trust" definitely helped throughout those 17 weeks when I woke up every day wondering if it would be their last day here. I trusted that God was in control and that they would go home when they were "supposed" to. I truly believe that those 17 weeks were what we needed to get to the place where we are today. Those weeks gave us an opportunity to make more memories and time for me to establish a stronger relationship with the teen to the point that she trusts me and cares about "us" enough to the point that she's the one I'm texting tonight on New Year's Eve as I sit on the couch in my PJ's waiting for the ball to drop. Only God, only God. 

Even though my dating relationship didn't end the way I wanted it to, I chose to trust...even though it was hard and I still struggle with how it all "went down", I trust that God has a plan for me and my life and right now being single is where I'm "supposed" to be. 

This isn't as "profound" of a post as I would have hoped it would be, but I'm definitely thankful that I chose one word this year. I think trust was the perfect word, actually, and I feel like trust was written all over 2011 for me and my life (although I didn't get it all written out here...it's in my heart) :) Even though I have chosen a new word for 2012, I am going to remember what it felt like to "trust"...even when trusting is hard.

Happy New Year!