Gentle Reminders

I had to switch shifts at work in order to be off for the court hearing. I'm still not sure how I feel about the case being closed, but the girls' mom did text me back when I texted her yesterday, so it isn't like that fact closed off communication or anything. I am hopeful that it won't change anything...and actually maybe this will make the relationship less "threatening"...if there ever was a "threat".

Because I switched shifts, I worked Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. 12-hour shifts usually turn into nearly 13 and I rarely work three of them in a row since I enjoy my couch and my sleep ;) However, these three actually were good ones and I worked with my "work friend" for two of them (I know I wrote about the fact that I now have a "work friend" but I'm not going to go look for the link now...but, just in case I "forget", this friend has the same name as my sister only spelled differently. ;) ) We had good teamwork and actually had some "down time" moments where we could visit and watch "Utube"videos and such.

Yesterday (Sunday) was "family day"...and a busy one! I went to my mom and dad's after church and my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew were there (my parents go to 9:00 church and I go to 11). There was a ton of leftover breakfast (sausage, bacon, and hash browns) and my mom made more chocolate chip pancakes for me. My sister and brother-in-law went to the grocery store, so my mom gave my nephew a bath and then we "baby-sat" until they came back from the store (I believe my mom even let me be the only one in the room with him for a little while...for some reason my sister and mom seem to be anxious about that...at least it feels like it sometimes.)

I then went with my dad to watch one of his basketball teams play. He coaches two 7th grade girls teams and I haven't been able to go to many games this season (I went to one "A" game and yesterday was my first "B" game since the other team forfeited when I went last week.) He let his assistant coaches coach and they didn't do it like he usually does, so that was sad and his team probably would have won if they ran things the way he usually does...oh well, it was still a good game (and I got to see one of the women who was at the Thanksgiving retreat I attended since her daughter was on the other team.)

Before the game, I also talked to one of the girls' mom's. She is a pediatrician, but we actually talked about my foster parenthood. It felt good to talk about it, especially in light of the "case closed" from this week. She asked me how day care worked during that 16 months and I found myself talking about how my mom and dad picked them up/dropped them off and my sister watched the little one for 10 months. I wasn't really thinking about how much help they were to me until she pointed it out. She said they didn't have grandparents nearby. I needed that gentle reminder after the complaining that I do and my thoughts about what could happen when I take another placement. My family really is great and have been supportive of me and my choices the best way they know how...even though sometimes it doesn't feel like they understand.

After that game, I went with my mom and sister to watch a college basketball game. My dad had other things to do and my mom's boss had three tickets (since he wasn't going but his wife was). The seats are awesome and it was a good game. I got to talk to her boss' wife for a little while (maybe even more than I talked to my mom and sister, actually!)

Then, as if the day wasn't busy enough, I met up with a friend from high school and her friend for a couple of drinks. She is actually going out-of-town tomorrow on a "mommy spa vacation" by herself for four days to recoup from a stress/anxiety/depression filled few months. I think it's awesome that she is doing that for herself and that her husband thought it was important. She talked about how her in-laws help with their boys and it was another gentle reminder to me as I was questioning the weird vs non-weird-ness of my mom giving my nephew a bath and my sister and brother-in-law waiting until someone could watch their kid for them to go to the grocery store. I guess you appreciate the help you can get...and if you don't have to do it alone, then don't?

Today was another jam-packed day...but enjoyable and not at all productive at home! I went to a staff meeting at work that went from 7:30-9:00. Usually I don't go on my days off, but there isn't one on any of the days I work this week. Since they were discussing our job satisfaction scores, I thought it was important to be there. I was able to give my "two cents" and then some about the way things are right now (not great). I'm actually glad I wasn't working because I never would have been able to stay that long!

After the meeting, I went and got my progesterone shot for my PCOS that still is not at all under control (hoping they are learning from me and eventually we can come up with a good balance that doesn't involve progesterone shots because they HURT!) Then, I went and worked out. After THAT, I went to the horse races with my dad. We were there for 2 1/2 hours and bet a LOT of races. We only won once, but it was enough that I came out $2 ahead :)

I went to the grocery store, took a nap, then went to my dad's basketball game (they won by a lot tonight!). I watched my "teeny bopper" shows and ate pizza while drinking a Woodchuck. After that, I wrote a long and boring blog post about the events of the past three days ;)

I'm thankful for the gentle reminders the past few days to be grateful for the blessings in my life...

Organizing

On Sunday, my aunt came over for an hour or so to help me organize. I got new bedding and I decided want a "grown up" bedroom. However, I have a lot of clutter in my bedroom, the bedroom the little one slept in, everywhere...and it's all overwhelming and I just don't know what to do with anything/everything. It's amazing how much got done and how much better it looks in just one hour of her being here. I do have "a lot" of time off, but I'm so scattered on my days off that I can't focus on one task to it's end (you would love to be a fly on the wall watching me pack for a trip...I actually should put on step counter for that because I'm all over the place!) She is so helpful (same aunt who helped me rake my leaves) and encouraged me to make little lists for my day off with small tasks to cross off instead of broad ones like "clean room". I worked yesterday and today, so didn't get to do any more work on it (I was sick after work yesterday too...my new PCOS treatment was not very nice this first cycle...hopefully I won't have headache/nausea/vomiting the next one!). However, I'm off the next two days (the teen is coming over tomorrow afternoon/likely overnight too!), so hopefully I can make some more progress.

This is my bedroom...most of that stuff was on the floor (or on the book shelf that was in the "empty" space. I did put the "bulk" of it in a box that I'll have to sort through on one of my days off, but it does look better!

This is my closet. It used to have all of my scrub pants hung on the left side. The top had a bunch of boxes that I tossed as well as some candle stuff I had purchased for gifts that was not at all organized. So, it was basically wasted space. I have a piece of furniture that has my shirts hung up and my sweats/stuff like that in the drawers. That is the piece that I think makes my room too small, so I need to find homes for those clothes. I think maybe I have room now!

This is the closet in the room that was to be my office/scrapbooking room, but never made it...half of the room was that kind of stuff and the little one slept in the other side. The closet was full of boxes/bins/junk that was not at all organized. I do have to go through the large bins that were in there, but now all of my "gifts" and wrapping things are in one place. There is a shelf above there that has some other things that are more organized, but could still use a little more.

This is one of my hall closets. The bottom part was filled with "junk" as was the top part.  I threw away at least half a dozen VS bags...why did I keep those?! I had all my scrub tops in there because they definitely wouldn't fit in my closet (my parents like to buy me scrubs...I should show them this...ha!) So, now my uniform shirts AND my uniform pants are in the same place...what a concept!

Here is my "mantle". It looked much better last year with our three stockings rather than four stockings that are all mine, but it is what it is (maybe I should have taken down the palm tree picture, but I sort of had to force myself to decorate just for myself).

There is my new TV. I should have taken a picture of my previous TV for comparison, but it was a lot smaller than this! I just put the lights up there before I took the picture and they have already started to fall off...I'm not sure I really like them all that much anyway, but I wanted to try and use them.

I did put up a tree this year in case the girls came over and I actually have been enjoying having it there too (even though I often forget to turn on the lights). 

I maybe should have taken a picture of the other side of the living room, but I have tons of pictures on the walls so would have had to blur out every picture of the girls...maybe I'll do the rest of my "house tour" some day and include that. I may have already posted pictures of my new couches (this post actually has pictures of how it was decorated last Christmas and includes my old TV). I want to paint my bedroom soon and get the other bedrooms ready for any future placements (especially the little one's room...that room would not have worked as a bedroom for very many children considering the amount of "untouchables" in there!) The teen's room also worked very well for her, but may not be suitable for another placement.

So, I have some "projects" to do before the next time I see/talk to my aunt, but I'm very excited about my house coming together and looking presentable (maybe!) I may even host a party some day! 

Well, I'd better go to bed since the teen is coming over after lunch and I do have some things that need to be done before she comes. I also need to talk to her mom since all of our plans have been made between the two of us and I really need to make sure her mom is on board with everything!

Good night.

Taking My Time

Maybe I'll have time tomorrow to write about the retreat I attended on Tuesday. I just read the posts that I wrote about the retreat from the past four years and all of them were well thought-out, so I'd like to wait and write when I'm ready. I'm very grateful for this "blog" in times like this because I think all of those were/are worth reading again to be reminded of where I have been and how much I've learned.

While I realize that it's not my grief, my illness, I was still struggling this morning about what I wrote about last night. I know that the retreat came at the perfect time to remind me to be grateful for each day and that made it "easier", but I still had trouble catching my breath and tears filled my pillow during my "afternoon nap". I did call my Gyn to set up an exam and will talk about the new plan to manage my PCOS at that time. I talked to someone else at her office who could answer some of my questions and hopefully I will be more confident in addressing the potential "criticism" that will come with my decision to take a fairly "non-traditional" route in caring for myself and my hormone imbalances. My heart goes out to Rachel and can't begin to fathom what she has gone through this week (considering how strongly it has affected me and it ISN'T me!), but she's an awesome friend and "tweeted" me last night to "take care of you"...and so I will.

I managed to be semi-productive today even with needing to take a number of "breaks" as well as a nap. I did rake some leaves and organized a few papers. I did something really stupid--I washed a pair of sneakers that had dog poop (and leaves) on them in the washing machine along with some towels and ended up with poop and leaves stuck to the sides of the washer--so I kind of stopped trying to do any more "damage" after that and mostly "vegged".

I did talk to my mom for a while since she emailed me last night that she was off today and tomorrow. Maybe she told me some other time, but she definitely didn't "remind" me (and she also didn't tell me before she went out to lunch and shopping with my grandma and sister/nephew, but whatever...) I told her some of what was going on at work and with my "health", but didn't tell her the current treatment plan because I didn't want to deal with her criticism/questioning today...save that for when I have all of the facts in my hands.

I had an alumnae council meeting at my high school which is always fun (I love that place SO much and can hardly wait until I have another daughter to send there!) After that, I skipped choir practice so I could go play "bunco" with my best high school friend and her friends. She was hosting it, so invited me to come. I'd heard of it, but never played. It's a really easy game and is a lot of drinking and snacking and chatting, so it was a fun night. After the other girls left, she and I had a nice visit too. She has been dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression issues and trying to figure out the right doses of medication to help her. She is seeing a counselor every week too, so I'm glad she is getting the help she needs.

So, that's what went on in "my little world" today...back to work tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow will be much less depressing than yesterday :)

Good night.

One of Them Days

I know I don't have to keep "committing" to posting every day in November because I saw something on twitter about it, but I'm trying, even though I can barely keep my eyes open (and it is barely after 10:00!) Maybe tomorrow I'll have time/energy to write about the retreat because I really think it is important to have that in my "journal" to reflect on at a later date. I'm glad that I had that "thanksgiving" retreat yesterday, because days like today still happen, but I have been reminded to find thinks to be grateful for, even in the midst of trials.

Today's phrase of the day was "Cancer $ucks"...it's actually been a rough few weeks on my floor with new diagnoses, palliative care, poor prognosis, and today it brought an amazing teenager to death. Sometimes people will say that being a pediatric nurse would be "so fun"...and some days, it really is. Other people say they could "never do it"...likely because of days like today when you hear of a parent bringing her 2-year-old for a well-check up and coming out with a diagnosis of leukemia and the 17-year-old star football player diagnosed with cancer 9 months ago who died today even after fighting it with all he had.

Yep, today was just one of them days...one of those days that makes me grateful for my health and the health of my family, thankful to have been given a "gift" to be able care for these patients/families even when it's incredibly sad, grateful for the love and support of my family and friends (and co-workers), thankful for the memories we have of these children who leave this world way too soon...

Yes, being a pediatric nurse can be fun and extremely rewarding...and sometimes, it's really sad too.

Good night.

After I posted this last night, I found out that a friend was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. She's the same age as me (and single without kids) and will (likely) undergo a total hysterectomy and possibly chemo. This came as I was reminded earlier in the day that my PCOS puts me at increased risk of endometrial cancer. While I'm not as "shell shocked" as her, I'm sure, I'm still stunned and numb because I can't even imagine...and really, there isn't any reason to think "it couldn't happen to me", because it does happen to "people like me". So, I'm going to be calling the doctor's office back today and discussing what they were trying to tell me yesterday that I wasn't really wanting to hear. Please keep Rachel in your prayers as she looks at options and works through this "bombshell" that came when five days ago she just thought she had "really bad cramps"...

One of Those Days

It should have been a good day. I was actually really excited about today. For the first time in a long time, I had no plans, no appointments, no meetings, nothing. My house is a disaster and I was hopeful that I'd be able to make it more presentable during my time off today.

Today, however, had other plans for me. I did make it to Curves this morning for the first time in over a month and was pleasantly surprised to learn that I haven't gained any weight (even with all the chips and salsa I ate these past few weeks!) For much of the workout, it was just me and the owner there. So, we got to have a nice visit (probably not a great workout, but at least I was there and not on the couch for 30 minutes!) Something she said made me think about this post I wrote while I was on vacation. We were kind of talking about how I was an "ENFJ", but that I also feel like I am a "quiet observer" in a many social situations*. I talked to her about that post and the book What Women Fear. I told her how I talked to that couple on the airplane and about meeting Tammy and Alece while I was on vacation. Her "observation" is that I am much more comfortable talking to people in situations where it is unlikely I will be judged for being who I am. I definitely agree with her on that (hence my "Internet friends"), but the second part was hard to hear, even though I believe there is truth in it (or that it IS truth)...and that is that my mom and her "judgement" has a role in my discomfort in other situations. (I am not 100% sure any of this paragraph makes sense, but it is getting late and I have more I need to "let out" before I go to bed...) Again, I think that makes sense because it seems like many of my therapy sessions end up going back to my mom. However, this morning conversation may have set off what became quite the emotional/crabby day.

(*I took the quiz today and ended up ISFJ which is a little odd, so maybe I was just "off" today--33% Introverted, 1% Sensing, 75% Feeling, 44% Judging--compared to the 11% Extroverted, 12% Intuitive, 88% Feeling, 22% Judging ENFJ I got the last time.)

I did manage to get myself off the couch to mow the lawn. I ended up doing quite a bit of thinking as I mowed. I became frustrated with myself as I thought about the jealousy and resentment that keeps creeping in as well as thoughts that maybe I am more self-centered than I think I am. That now makes me teary, especially after how much "venting" I was doing on twitter all afternoon. See, my mom works ALL the time, and pretty much every spare moment she has is spent with my sister and nephew. Now, they even plan and do things without even asking if I'm off or would want to try and rearrange my schedule to do things with them. Yes, I am somehow incredibly busy, and I likely would have opted out of going to the pumpkin patch, the children's museum, and shopping today (since my mom took today and tomorrow off work...who knew?!). But, it would have been nice to have the option, at least to feel welcome. I found out my mom was off today, but didn't know what all they had planned. So, when I realized that the dress I want to wear to a Halloween party tomorrow needed to be pinned, I called her cell phone. It went straight to voice mail. I called their house phone. It went straight to voice mail. I texted her and she responded quite a bit later than they were doing this and that and never really gave me an answer on if she'd be able to help. I needed her for like 10, maybe 15 minutes and it was as if I'd asked her to do something huge.

So, I was sad, and frustrated, and tweeted a lot. She did end up finding time in her busy schedule to pin my dress for me tonight and I managed not to cry (doing that now). I sent one of my aunts a frustrated text message. She told me that I need to schedule a time with just me and my mom which was good advice, but who knows when that will happen...

It seems silly now to be so upset by something so little, so I'm also wondering if I am still struggling with hormone stuff. I was diagnosed with PCOS earlier this year and have been taking progesterone shots for three months now (I was taking pills for 4 or 5 months before than). I was about ready to stop because I feel like I have more PMS now than before I started to try and treat it, but my doctor encouraged me to persevere...I guess I will as long as I don't have monthly episodes where I just randomly cry no matter where I am or how hard I try to stop the tears.

So, it was just one of those days that wasn't so great. I guess now is the time to look back at some posts that make me smile like this one and this one (I haven't watched that video in a long time...) and some posts that remind me of where I've been (that's an old one!), what I have accomplished, and that my journey, my gifts are special.

It's after midnight now, so it's a new day...and I'm already feeling better :)

What to Say

I don't even know what to say, so I haven't said anything (or, rather, written). I'm a "mess". I think that says it best. I talked to Ginger on Skype for over an hour Sunday night and just bawled (poor little one...we had to tell her Ginger was making me laugh really hard!) Earlier in the day, I saw the "guy from church" after church and am afraid I was kind of rude...or at least "short" with him (I also believe I was on Saturday when he called too). Ginger helped me a lot (she looked me in the eye...gotta love Skype!...and instructed me NOT to be mean to the boy!) However, it is Wednesday and I still haven't talked to him. I met with my amazing counselor on Monday afternoon, and again just bawled. She also pointed out that honesty is the way to go and he WILL understand.

My life as I have known it for the past seven months is about to be turned upside down...only I don't know when or how it is going to look...and I have zero control over that (even though I have pointed out that the girls had eight visits the entire month of December with five canceled visits--the teen was off school for 15 days and saw her mom 4 times). I have wanted to talk to the teen to really tell her how much she and her sister have meant to me and my life these past seven months...and let her know that I'm not going anywhere. I also want to tell her that her mom sucks, but that's not really appropriate and she probably already knows ;) However, like with "the boy", I haven't found the right time/place, so have said nothing.

Thank goodness I'm not prone to ulcers, or I would most definitely have one. I am not sure how many times I teared up driving to and from the WIC office this morning, both about the girls and about the conversation I need to have with the boy. You would think that I would just get it over with, but I haven't. As if all of this wasn't enough, the nun who taught me piano and voice passed away at the age of 99 1/2 on Monday night...and one of the "favorite" patients passed away yesterday at the age of 5 1/2.  Plus, I'm in the middle of getting my series of hormone labs drawn with hopes(?) of officially diagnosing me with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). That, and I am not sure how many (kindly curious) co-workers asked me about the "dating" yesterday.

It's been a rough week and it's only Wednesday. I suppose I should have titled this "I NEED to Say..." rather than "What" because I know what I need to do, I just don't know how...or don't want to because it is "hard".

I still haven't 100% decided on my "One Word" for 2011...I probably should use commitment or something since I'm obviously struggling with that! However, maybe "trust" is still a good choice...I was going to use "journey" since there was a really good reflection about journey in relation to the Wise Men on Epiphany Sunday last week. I'm still thinking about it though...and then maybe will like to Alece's post...maybe ;)

Alright, I suppose I should play with the little one, but I felt like I should post something here...especially for anyone who looks here, but doesn't read my "tweets" ;)

Prayers are obviously accepted/appreciated as I am on this journey of the unknowns. We have a family team meeting next Wednesday. I'm not sure when the girls' mom's apartment will be ready, but I suppose if there is not to be a "transition", they could go back as early as next week. Personally, I haven't seen any "progress" on her part from the time that the girls first went into care, but what do I know?!

Good night.

Preparing My Heart

I couldn't really think of a better title, but guess this one works. The past two days have been quiet around here without any kids OR any plans. However, today I picked the little one up at 3:30, so it wasn't as long as yesterday. Their mom mentioned something to me about arranging new housing which she seemed to think was the only thing standing in the way of getting her kids back. I'm not sure if that is or is not the case, but the time is coming when she will and I suppose I ought to start preparing my heart. The teen was quick to tell me all about talking to her Biology teacher today, starting to go to sessions after school, and possibly getting a peer tutor. It is awesome that very often she IS free with what she tells me and doesn't appear to hide things from me...except, of course, when it comes to her feelings. I'm praying that I'll be able to make some sort of progress there, or that SOMEONE can, before she transitions back to home. While I don't think she necessarily wants to stay with me, I DO think that she is worried/concerned/anxious/scared about what is going to happen when she goes home. I'm not sure how to approach that sort of conversation, so am praying for wisdom and the right moment.

The title fits with this situation, but also for something completely different. This could be a little "TMI"...you've been warned ;) I've been seeing what I suppose you could call a "fertility specialist" since the beginning of June. I have had irregular periods probably "forever"...except for the few years I took birth control pills to regulate it. I stopped taking them years ago because I wasn't "worried" about getting pregnant and decided my body didn't need extra hormones/chemicals for "no reason". Basically, I wasn't really worried about it and just "dealt" with my period whenever it decided to come, but not really paying THAT much attention to if it did or did not come. It worked for me since I had no reason to monitor skipped periods for pregnancy or anything like that.

However, I decided for my health and possible FUTURE plans of wanting to become pregnant, I decided I should start to monitor things more closely. I found a place that specializes in things like this that is local (if anyone reads this and wants more information, let me know, but anything more specific would send more clues about where I live) and started seeing someone there in June. After a few weeks of monitoring my cycle, I first heard the words "Polycystic Ovary Syndrome" as a possible cause of the irregular cycles. I "googled" it, read the symptoms, and kind of blew it off as something I did NOT have. My cycles continued to be irregular and she referred me to the physician who recommended some blood work and an ultrasound. I have not been able to get my blood work because it has to be done during a certain time in the cycle, but went for my ultrasound this morning.

I still didn't think it was possible that I had "Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)", but I went there with my full bladder half-way wondering why I was there. I'm a nurse, but I'm NOT good at reading ultrasounds, xrays, CT scans, MRI's... So, when she showed me my uterus, and then my right ovary, I was like "whatever", I can't see anything. The computer froze and shut down when she went to look at the left ovary and had to start all over. I'm like, oh.my.goodness.my.bladder.is.full. but I did okay. She's been doing these for ages so I knew I couldn't read anything on her face and didn't even try. However, I was still super surprised when she was finished and said "I couldn't see your left ovary very well, but your right ovary definitely looks like PCOS." Whoa, whoa, what?! Obviously, she can't diagnose it, but I trust her judgment.

So, what does that mean? I went back to my Mayo Clinic Site and checked it out...and then I called my mom to tell her. The woman at the office told me that it's something you are born with, not something you get. She also said that it ranges in symptoms and severity, like lots of syndromes. When I talked to my mom, I told her that it really isn't that big of a deal, because it isn't like I'm trying to get pregnant (PCOS is the most common cause of female infertility) and it's better to know now than finding out when you're married and have trouble getting pregnant. I'm lucky that right now I don't have any of the other symptoms, although maybe I will blame my "obesity" on the PCOS. I feel like I am in the right place, seeing the right people to manage this "new diagnosis" the best way possible.

I was okay with it (at least initially), wondering if God has been preparing my heart for this sort of "diagnosis". I've had foster care (and adoption) on my heart probably even before I got my first period. A girl at work decided to have a baby "on her own" and people have asked me if I would do the same thing, but my answer was always that I didn't feel I HAD to give birth to a baby for it to be "mine". I will not have to "suffer" through years of infertility not knowing what it wrong because I know before the issue of "family planning" had even entered my mind. I've been healthy my whole life and it isn't like this really is like "the shoe dropping"...right?!

I later found out that it is something that really may need to be treated/handled because there are other complications besides infertility. I won't know for sure what will need to happen/what my options are until I actually meet with the doctor. However, at one point I did tear up thinking about it, likely because of all the "unknowns". But, I am thankful that I feel like I am in the right place for treatment, and also that I know while I'm single and can possible try interventions before I need them, if I so choose.

Well, that's enough about that...and maybe "preparing my heart" wasn't such a great title, but I needed to write about it. It was a lot clearer in my head than what came out here, but it's been quite the day...

Since I picked the little one up earlier in the day today, we went down town to feed the ducks. The swans were swarming and NOT nice at all, so she was super scared. I threw some bread at them and squirted water at a couple of them so they would leave us alone and she would stop crying. We found some nice little ducks in another area to feed. On the way out, she found some flowers and wanted to pose by them. I wish I could post those pictures because she CRACKS me up at the faces she thinks are good poses. Silly girl!

Good night.