Where To Begin

It's been nearly a week since I posted anything, so I figured I should write something in case anyone wonders if I'm okay ;)

Things are crazy busy and I have no idea where the time goes. I had yesterday off and really wanted to finish up some stuff I have left to do since before Christmas (you know, like send thank-yous and a couple of gifts...yeah, I'm doing THAT badly these day!) My aunt has been going through breast cancer treatment since November. I bought her a card and still haven't sent it (or talked to her). I can't remember the last time I talked to my mom's parents, but I did buy them a Valentine's Day card. I feel like I can't "RSVP" to anything because of this roller coaster ride I am experiencing. I suppose this is what it's like to have kids and I do love being a mom, but man, some days it is just out of control!

All of us are dealing with the effects of the "transition" that really isn't a "transition" at all because it is going no where. Being at a stand still, living in limbo, lots of unknowns, has affected all of us differently. The little one is clingy and cries/wants to be held any time I tell her she can't do something, when she doesn't want to wake up, when she doesn't want to go to sleep...some days are better than others (today was a good day...yay!) Granted, I know she is still better than a lot of 3-year-olds, but this behavior change is obviously her dealing with all of the changes (and isn't fun for any of us!)

The teen's grades have REALLY slipped this quarter. Her effort also seems to be lacking, although just now she let me quiz her for her biology test and she told me yesterday about some "study tips" she found on the internet that she is going to use next quarter. She missed turning in a number of assignments and I think her test average across her 7 classes is a D. She is currently "passing" all but one class, but I think she could do so much better. I've been really struggling with how to address this, especially since I have no clue when she is going home. She IS passing, and I have told her that I am more concerned with her effort than her actual grades. I know I need to say something, but I haven't quite figured out what to say or when. She should get her report card later this week or early next week, so that could be the time. I am going to try and put in on her to talk about what happened this quarter, but she isn't really a "talker" when it comes to that kind of stuff and very good at putting up a wall. Hopefully I can find a good approach to make her willing to share what's going on. I gather a lot has to do with the fact she has spent two weekends at her mom's, her mom has flaked on a couple of visits, never calls her (except to make her feel guilty for wanting to go out with friends without talking to her first), and no one can tell her when exactly she will be reunited with her family. Basically, there is a lot going on and I don't want to "add fuel to the fire" by saying something the wrong way.

Needless to say, all of this has left me pretty stressed. I'm hardly at home and when I am, I am making phone calls trying to figure out visitation, transportation, and where to send the girls if their mom cancels. I worked Friday and Saturday, and of course those are "visit days"...or are they?! I hadn't heard from their mom all week until Friday morning when she texts that she hadn't heard from me. She never talked to me to arrange transportation, so the little one went to my sister's, the teen stayed at home, and I was at work. Sorry, can't help you. That's when she was freaking out about the teen actually wanting to go out with friends and called her for like the first time in forever to "talk to her about it". I tried to arrange transportation for the teen to go to the movie with friends (she couldn't stay the night though and I think she was feeling a bit awkward about that). However, at the first chance she had to back out, she took it and said she'd go to her mom's on Saturday. Of course, their mom texted me early Saturday morning (while I was at work) to say she couldn't come get them. Sorry, I can't help you because I'm at WORK! So, she's mad at me for not communicating and then upset that I can't help her...good times. So, both girls went to my sister's and the teen didn't go to the movie since she'd already told her friends she couldn't.

Wow, this sounds like a whole lotta complaining and a whole lotta jibberish, but I do feel better and this is my journal ;)

Overall, I guess I'd say things are still really good. I love these girls and I think that's what makes it hard. I just want what's best for them and some days I have a hard time seeing that happening. I know that these nearly 9 months have changed all of us for the better. I have witnessed progress in the teen. I have watched the little one grow a personality and learn lots of new things. I am a stronger (and "lighter"...people have been commenting even though I still can barely see the 8-11 pounds I've lost) person than I was. I am a better communicator (I think) and more flexible. I have definitely gotten closer to my own family and love being a parent.

Even though I never wrote my "One Word" post, I planned to use the word "trust" (I think...I never made a "commitment" which was another idea ;) ). Even though I have not been very good at making quiet, reflective time for me lately, at the end of the day, I know I need to trust God and His plan for me and the girls. I trusted Him to bring the "perfect kids" and He definitely delivered there :)

Okay, enough rambling. I need to bring my computer in for a couple of days (super annoying since I bought a Mac in hopes of not having troubles!) and maybe that will push me to make better use of my time.

Good night.

2-22-11

When I first started reading blogs, I read those of moms whose babies were not expected to survive. I'm not 100% sure why, but I did and I learned so much from each and every one of those babies, and from their families. Kristy's son, Asher, was born three years ago today. My birthday is on the 22nd too (only in October), so I have always felt a special connection to him. :)

Two years ago, on Asher's first birthday, Ginger gathered a bunch of Kristy's friends ("blog" and "in real life") to put together something special to celebrate his birthday. That is how I came to know Ginger, so I owe him a huge thanks for bringing her into my life :) (In looking back to find that post, I also found this one which actually is quite relevant to what's going on in my life right now...it is called "Living for a Purpose".)

Last year, I didn't actually post on Asher's second birthday, but wrote about him on the day before and the day after. (Here is a link to Ginger's 2nd birthday post...grab a tissue.)

This year, I didn't even get around to sending a card, but Asher and his family have not been far from my thoughts, and this post will be my card until the real one gets sent ;)

Thank you, Asher, for reminding me that every life has a purpose, no matter how short or how long it is.  Each of us has an opportunity to make a difference (Today's "quote of the day" on my blog is actually "We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone." ~Ronald Reagan).  Your life brought some amazing people into mine and for that I will be forever grateful.

Happy 3rd Birthday in Heaven, Asher Joseph Bolte. Thinking about you and your family on this special day. With love, your 22nd buddy (posting this at 10:22 which is my time, because I'm a nerd like that ;) )

Power and Control

First off, I'm fairly certain that this is my 900th post. Wow! "Fairly certain" because in my dashboard, it says 898 when I am on "all" posts and 899 when I click on "published" posts. 100 posts in 2007 + 345 posts in 2008 + 259 posts in 2009 + 179 posts in 2010, and 16 posts so far this year added up to 899 the three times I did it. So, we shall go with this is my 900th post. Amazing...especially since the blog's called "Do I have anything to say?" Ha!

Anyway, this weekend was rough. It was the second weekend the girls spent at their mom's. I managed to put together a post on Friday night and the rest of the weekend was equally as tough (even though I worked 12+ hours both days). (I did have good conversation, good food, and a good drink when I went out on Friday night :) )

I will admit that I may talk about foster mom things more than I probably should, but mostly because people are curious about how things work and how I am doing, how much longer I will have the girls, etc. I'm not doing so great, actually. Talking about it does help and I do believe I am careful about disclosing anything that could get me into trouble.

My student nurse actually said something yesterday that kind of put into words what I'm feeling, and she didn't even mean to. Right now, things are SO crazy back and forth and it appears no one has a "plan" and I am given little/no direction. The service coordinator admitted she doesn't want to return my phone calls because she is about as frustrated with things as I am...gee thanks. My (amazing) agency worker is on medical leave for two weeks, and while someone is covering for her, she will not have a clue what is going on either (since none of us do!) Right now, the girls pretty much get visits whenever I make them happen. The only specific direction I have is that they are to spend every other weekend (Friday-Sunday) at their mom's place. Their mom doesn't call (or text) and ask for visits. She does not arrange transportation. She does not call to check on the girls on days they do not have visits. The only time she communicates with me is when I initiate it.

In some respect, I like the control. I like being able to say that I want them with me at this or that time because I can, and she doesn't argue. I like that if I never wanted to bring them to her, then she doesn't really have any room to complain because she is putting forth zero effort. I like that we have been mostly able to stick to the routine that we have had for the past 8 1/2 months where the little one goes to my sister's on the days I work and my mom takes the teen to school. On my days off, I hang out with the little one. The teen gets to and from school without problems. The little one gets her naps and goes to bed at a "decent" hour. They eat healthy food (most of the time ;) ) and I share my home with  two amazing girls.

So, a part of me just wants to keep them with me at all times unless their mom asks for them, or arranges for them to get to her. I'm in control, so I really could do just that.

However, with the control comes the power. I do not like having "the power". In fact, dealing with the stress of having the power is what has brought me to tears the past two days. I'm feeling like I have "free reign" to do as I please, but am running in circles trying to do what is best for everyone because the weight on creating a successful reunification rests on my shoulders.

Granted, it may not ACTUALLY rest on my shoulders, but it sure does feel like it and is very stressful. The State may or may not make a transition plan when their mom secures adequate housing. I have heard that as soon as that happens, they will go home. I don't think that is a good idea for anyone. Since this may be the only type of transition that is going to take place, I feel like I owe it to the girls, and their mom, to transition them. Their mom, however, does not believe she needs one and just wants her kids back (all five of them, all at once). So, getting her to ask for time with her kids isn't something that is going to happen. It didn't seem to bother her that she saw them eight times in December and about that same number of times in January.

Every time I have tried to put some sort of responsibility on their mom, she has failed to deliver. Just yesterday, the teen wanted to get back to my house earlier than 8:30 PM when I picked her up after work so she could do laundry and get organized for the week. Her mom did not manage to find any way to get her back to my house, even though our homes are only 4 miles apart. How disappointing to not be able to count on your mom for something as simple as that on a Sunday afternoon. How in the world is she going to manage her five kids if she can't even do that? How will the teen get to and from school? Their mom also didn't tell me until 6:00 last night that the little one was not staying another night as we had initially planned. I understand her reason why, but it would have been nice to know that.

Okay, back to power...since "the plan" is in my hands and their mom seems to be "ok" with part-time parenthood, I'm going to have to "force" the little one on her. I really don't want to do that because it will be hard on the little one, the teen, and me, but their mom HAS to get used to having a 3-year-old around all the time. She's a much different kid than she was 8 1/2 months ago, let alone the 14 1/2 months it has been since she was in her care. It won't do anyone any good for her to go back to her mom barely knowing her. It seems the teen was the primary caregiver, so it is also important for her to come to trust her siblings in the care of her mom.

I really was a wreck this morning feeling like I had no direction and the weight of the world on my shoulders. It felt like I can make or break this transition which felt awful. I talked to my dad and he helped me see what I need to do. So, I have to talk to the service coordinator tomorrow, and also to their mom, and hopefully it works. "His" plan involves me bringing the little one there and leaving her for a week (or more). I'm not sure anyone on the "outside" believes she will actually keep her for an entire week by herself, but we won't know unless we ask her to do it. It will be a quiet week around here, but I do want to do what is best...for all of us, including their mom.

Control is one thing, power is another. I'm working toward being "ok" having the power...or maybe just handing it over to someone else ;)

Evening update: I talked to the service coordinator (I decided I was going to leave her another message since the first one I was near tears and wanted to leave a calmer message and was [pleasantly] surprised that she answered). Basically, she told me that their mom is who she is and is going to do what she does and I need to stop making her stress me out. Easier said than done because I care about other people/want to bring out the best in them/look for the best in them...see my multiple references to being an "ENFJ". However, she did also say that she is going to try to take me out of the equation for some of this. There will be a "family team meeting" on Wednesday and neither the teen nor I will be there. I'd like to be a fly on the wall, but I'm definitely glad I won't be there. The service coordinator now knows that their mom has non-background-checked people bringing them places which has been going on for MONTHS, but will likely be addressed at this meeting. Also, she is going to arrange all transportation through the agency so that pressure will no longer be on me and their mom will not be able to have less of an opportunity to take advantage of my kindness. I'm not sure this will solve all the problems, or any of them for that matter, but I definitely feel much better now than I did when I got up this morning.


I brought the teen to see her counselor without any issues. She talked to me about some school-related things afterwards and I was able to share with her that I thought she should try harder in Spanish. I've been debating on saying anything since all I've said is I want her to try hard and not worry too much about the actual grade. However, she has gotten D's on all of her Spanish tests and A+'s on all/most of the homework/in class participation/listening quizzes. So, she totally could have a B in the class if she had at least PASSED her tests...and she would likely have passed them had she studied at all for them. She seemed receptive to my comments, although she did have some excuses. I suppose excuses are better than getting defensive and/or withdrawing! It sounds like she will have therapy again in a couple of weeks. Her mom has not been at all receptive to family therapy, as in refusing to return/answer the therapists calls, so at least the teen is willing to do individual counseling until that happens.


The little one had a fun day and I think she got more cute during the four days she was gone...I'm totally not biased ;) I think she wants to play princesses or something, so I'd better check on that, but there's the evening update :)

She Hurts, I Hurt

It's amazing to me how something beautiful can turn bitter in a matter of moments. I had an amazing week and right now I feel like complete crap. I have a knot in my stomach, my hands are shaky, I'm on the verge of tears...and I am set to have "date #4" in a couple of hours (thank goodness it's "just" drinks!). Sometimes I really hate being an ENFJ...but then I wouldn't change who I am for the world! The "one-on-one" the teen and I had on Sunday, continued throughout the week. We watched TV together, we went for a long walk yesterday (about 2 1/2 miles!), she shared bits and pieces of what's going on at school and in sports. I let her know how much I enjoy spending time with her and reminded her that she's just a really great kid.

Last night, her sister stayed another night at their mom's alone. That made for a quiet couple of days for both of us. She shared that she may want to go out with friends tonight, and I let her know that it may mean missing her visit (or part of it anyway) this weekend since I have to work (and her mom is very unreliable at arranging transportation), but she should do what she needs to do. I was really hoping she would choose to hang out with her friends. She VERY rarely has done anything social in the 8 1/2 months she has lived with me. I am proud of the fact she has handed over the responsibility of caring for her sister to me, but she has not gone full-force into teenager-hood (some of which I'm happy about, of course!) She says she has friends, but she never goes places with them.

When I picked her up from school, she was extra quiet. I asked her what the plan was for tonight. She "snottily" responded that she was going to her mom's. I tried to find out if her friends just weren't doing anything or if she just decided not to go and all she would do was shake her head. She refused to admit that anything was wrong and said I was making that up, but something obviously wasn't right. My theory is that she was feeling guilty about wanting to choose friends over family, even though that shouldn't have been what the choice was about. I know she has to be feeling confused and torn during this transition...between wanting to go home, but knowing that home will be much more chaotic than the life she knows here; I think she feels guilty when she is happy here; I don't think she knows what to do with the fact that I care so much about her, but there is no changing that :)

I guess I ought to be grateful that there weren't harsh words directed at me this time, but the words that weren't spoken are almost as hard to take. I know she is hurting, and that hurts. I can't "fix" it, and I don't like that. I did make an appointment for her to see her counselor on Monday and know she won't be happy about that. I let her know that she can come back to my house at any point this weekend, so it will be interesting to see how long she will stay. I told their mom the little one can stay until Monday, so it will also be interesting to see if she asks for her to stay longer, stay shorter, or will be okay with that.

{sigh} cutting myself some slack for being the parent of a (someone else's) teenage girl, but I have invested so much in wanting to make this time in her life as good as it can be and it hurts in these moments when I wish I could do more...

Well, in referring back to my "ENFJ" post, I know that I need to make sure to take care of my needs too...and so I'll put on some make-up and a smile on my face and go have a drink with a nice guy.

Good night.

One On One

Friday, the agency worker again forgot to pick up the girls. Of course, I was at work and it was just as/more stressful as when their mom has flaked out on getting them for visits. Super annoying and I'm not so sure I am liking this new arrangement. Last week wasn't much fun at all between trying to arrange visits, transportation, working 5 out of 7 days, dealing with a crabby/crying 3-year old and I was SO ready for a weekend off (plus two more days=4 days "weekend"-yay!)

Saturday, I brought the girls to a visit from 9-3. I told their mom I needed to pick them up that early since I was going to an event (the annual fundraiser for my/the teen's high school). However, if she had someone who could bring them back later, that was fine with me. She told me she didn't want to ask anyone to help. Okay, fine, whatever ;) I got my hair colored/done in the morning while they were gone and admit to looking pretty darn cute to go out for the evening. I asked my mom to be my DD (I ended up having 5 glasses of wine, so good call ;) ). I didn't get any pictures taken, though, and that's a bummer! My hair will never again look so cute :(

I left the teen in charge of the little one for the evening as a "baby-sitter" and it was so awesome to see her in baby-sitter mode instead of going straight to mommy mode. Just knowing that I have given her the opportunity to be a "kid" for the past 8+ months feels great :) I had a super fun time at the event (um, 5 glasses of wine, it'd be pretty hard not to...ha!) and visited with lots of different people. Some of them know the teen and it warmed this "mom"'s heart to hear other people say how great she is too :) That school really is a terrific fit for her and I pray that her mom will see that and do what it takes for her to continue going there. I came home to a sleeping little one and a clean house...bonus! :)

Yesterday morning, the girls and I went to Mass together. After Mass, I dropped the little on off at her mom's house. She stayed with her mom all day, all night, and then all day today. So, their mom had all four "little" one's without the teen to help her yesterday. I think that's something that NEEDS to happen during this transition for it to be a successful one. Last night, their mom just had the little one and she just had her today. So, they got one-on-one time which is also something that needs to happen during this transition. I'm not sure what all they did, but do know that she didn't take a nap today because they were running all over the place and I had to pick her up at a thrift store (a different one than the one she told me they would be at and she didn't bother to walk to the place where they were supposed to be since I started walking in their direction...nice.) She fell asleep in the car on the way home at 4:30 which is totally not a good nap time. Thankfully, she wasn't too crabby when she got woken up from her nap this time! Oh well, I guess I'm going to have to be prepared for a tired/crabby 3-year-old during this transition. I opted to skip a visit for tomorrow since I was a little irritated by today. I'm the one who provides transportation and it rather disrupts my day, so I'm not going to do it tomorrow. However, I think I'll bring her there on Thursday for another one-on-one day/overnight/day before I bring the teen there on Friday evening for their weekend visit.

While the little one was getting one-on-one with her brothers and mom, I was having super quality one-on-one with the teen :) After we dropped off the little one, we had brunch with my parents. She'd been talking about this event for weeks that was basically a college fair for the big university near here. So, we went to that and spent nearly 3 hours discovering more about the different majors and campus activities, got free stuff, and enjoyed each other's company. She got a new t-shirt and shared her free pens with me :) It was a really nice day and just felt like we should go for a walk. So, we walked to a Subway that's probably half a mile away, ate, then walked back. Then, we watched the Grammy's and played a game of Skip-Bo. We seriously spent all day together and it was fabulous. I just love her! Of course, I had to be all cheesy/dorky and tell her how much I enjoyed spending time with her and that it kinda made me emotional since she's so great :) I was sad to (partially) hear how her mom treated her on the phone when I suggested she call the little one to tell her good night. It was their first (only?) night apart since she went to summer camp for two nights back in July, so I imagined it would be hard for both of them. However, their mom was kind of like "why are you calling?"...at least that's what it sounded like to me. :(

Tonight, we went to dinner at a nearby Chinese restaurant and I got both of them Valentine's Day cards/gifts. I kind of forgot about getting anything for their mom from them, but am not really feeling guilty/bad about that...I did give the caseworker a card and $5 gift card...ha! Now, the little one is in bed and the teen and I have been sitting on the couch together (with computers in our laps) for the past 2 hours "watching" TV.

Tomorrow, I'll get some one-on-one time with the little one. :)

That's what's been going on around here...Happy Valentine's Day :)
Good night.

Crazy Schedules

I haven't been able to blog since we've been running crazy schedules around here! No wonder the little one cries all the time...or way more than she used to :( Poor kid has been here, there, everywhere, missing naps, getting short naps, staying up too late, getting up too early...plus she has had a cough for a while and I took her today and got her a "z-pack" for a sinus infection. It's been a crazy week, that's for sure! I have been working a lot of weekends, but have this weekend off for a couple of events. So, since I have the weekend off, my three shifts are during the week (go figure ;) ). That means, I work Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. That's over 60 hours in a week (if I did my math correctly...it isn't even 10:00 and I am falling asleep on the couch while typing). On my "days off" (Monday and today), I made phone calls, arranged transportation for visits, scheduled visits, took my car to the shop, took the little one to the doctor, ran a couple of errands, but nothing that feels at all productive. My house is a mess, I have letters to write, books to read, "fun" phone calls I'd like to make, but all I want to do in my "spare time" is sleep.

Monday, I thought the little one would be at her mom's from 9-3:30 with me dropping her off and picking her up. At 11, I found out that transportation actually was arranged, so she would be dropped off between 1:15 and 1:30, which definitely changed what I was planning to do during that time. When 1:30 came, I found out that the person who was supposed to pick her up forgot, so then I had to get her which messed up her schedule AND mine. It sort of went downhill from there. Today, the person DID pick her up around 1:15, but she had started to lay down for a nap at her mom's, so she got a second wind and wouldn't sleep until it was pretty late and then I had to wake her up. Both days she went completely bonkers upon being woken up from her nap crying hysterically and nearly unconsolably...good times.

The teen has actually been in a pretty good mood this week, sometimes talking my ear off when I'm trying to do something else, but I'll take that over ignoring me or being rude any day ;) She even didn't freak out when I addressed her missing homework assignments yesterday. Of course, I just checked her grades and she had ANOTHER missing assignment today. Ugh! I'm afraid I'm not a very good "parent" to a teenager who isn't really mine. But, she's a good kid who doesn't ask for much, doesn't complain, rarely/never talks back, and really does appear to want to do well in school. The missing assignments irritate me and I don't think she really needs to be getting D's on her Spanish tests... However, this morning she asked to go in early to get help with math, she stayed late for a biology review session on Monday (still got a 55%...poor kid!), and goes in for English help a lot. Yes, she does a lot of studying while she's singing, but I have been told that prior to her being in foster care, she didn't really attend school on a regular basis. She's dealing with a lot right now too, and this crazy schedule affects her just as much as it affects the little one and me.

So, we're still here. Going here, there, and everywhere without any clear direction on where things are going, but we're doing the best we can and making the most of the time we have.

I'm looking forward to this weekend--Saturday night, I'm going to a fundraising event at my/the teen's school (my mom is going to be my DD...free wine!) and Sunday, the little one will go to her mom's while I bring the teen to an event she has been talking about for over a month. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I think it is a college fair type thing :) We'll have fun. I got them both some little gifts for Valentine's Day as well as cards and we're going to eat at a Chinese restaurant for dinner. I'm definitely counting my blessings :)

Time for bed...I feel really old going to bed this early, but you gotta do what you gotta do!
Good night.

Eight Months

Eight months ago, the girls spent their first night here. Tonight, they are spending the second night at their mom's for their first planned overnight visit weekend. Re-reading posts from the first night/month they were here was probably not the best way to not be upset about the empty house! However, I went out last night, worked a 12-hour shift today, (drank a "Berry beer"), and work another 12-hour shift, so that has helped me not feel quite so lonely (plus, it's barely after 10 and I'm hoping I type fast because I'm about to fall asleep!) I'm thankful that not only am I working this weekend, but I also work two weekends from now when they are next scheduled to spend the weekend there. Next weekend, I'm off and the teen has been talking about an event she'd like to attend on Sunday for over a month, so I'm glad I'll be able to take her :)

This week was filled with lots of "talking it out". I feel like I'll talk to anyone who will listen and am getting a lot of free therapy (much needed and appreciated!) Monday, I met with the doctor about my PCOD and she got an earful (I'm sure she wasn't expecting that!), and later met with my counselor (LOVE her!) Tuesday, I talked to the teen's counselor and also to the agency caseworker. Wednesday, I worked and talked to the mom of one of our chronically ill patients about the transition, general parenting, the challenges both of us have faced, etc. Nothing like a captive audience ;) (Plus, I'm pretty sure she enjoyed talking about something OTHER than her sick child!). Thursday, I had lunch with a friend I've known since junior high (I used to baby-sit her kids and now they are 15 and 19!), but haven't seen in a very long time. Yesterday, I met with my Spiritual Director and had dinner/drinks with a high school friend I also hadn't seen in months. Today, I had a faith conversation with the mom of one of our cancer patients who apparently was just diagnosed with breast cancer (she's my age, her son is 4 and already went through one round of treatment, but the cancer came back...yeah, totally sucks!)

That is lots and lots of talking!

Talking is good, but I'm going to try and make myself spend some time in the quiet.

It appears there is going to be a bit more quiet around here, but it will take a conscious effort for me to actually keep it quiet and free from distractions, at least for a few minutes each day.

I really realized it yesterday as we were beginning my meeting with the Spiritual Director. I was thinking that maybe balancing out my hormones and practicing mind over matter helped the tears disappear for a while. Then, we quieted ourselves and as soon as she began to speak, the tears began to fall, dripping through my closed eyes as I listened to her softly spoken words, the only sound in the quiet room. It hit me then that I need to create some quiet. I am very good at avoiding the tough stuff (although maybe not as good as the teen!) and keeping a super busy schedule leaves little time to actually think about what is happening in and around me.

I purchased the new "bloom book club" book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, and just started reading it. On page 21, she writes "'...maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds'...There's a reason I am not writing the story and God is. He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means..." I haven't written about it yet, but I'm "pretty sure" that my word for 2011 is "Trust" (I ought to choose "Commit"...ha!)  Spending time reading this book in my "quiet time" is something I need to/want to do.

After eight months, it is weird to be "alone" in my house, even though I lived for years this way. I am glad that I am almost too tired to miss them that much, but I do miss them (I actually missed them more during the day thinking about them not being here when I got home than once I really got home.) I knew eight months ago that it would be "temporary", but from the sounds of that first post, I also knew that I would love them...and the end of this "season" would be hard no matter how long it lasted (I still have no clue how long it will be!)

Well, I suppose I should get some sleep, since it's back to work (taking care of two kids with cancer plus another chronically sick child) and then picking up the girls. I have no clue what I will be picking up because this is a different "routine" for them too. I'll need a bit of extra energy to make it through, so...

Good night.

Snow Days

Like most of the rest of the country, we have been dealing with cold and snow where I live. The teen did not have school yesterday or today. Yesterday, I was off too, but today I was not. Things have gotten pretty much "back to normal" after the events of Sunday.

Monday morning, before school, I told the teen that it's okay to be angry/upset, but that she needs to talk about it. Saying hurtful things to me does not help either of us. At that point, she wasn't willing/able to say anything. Since then, I have left her to herself (with music and the computer) and give her time to process whatever she needs to process. I'm not comfortable with conflict either, so this could be the easy way out, but I am also an ENFJ and I also think that I need to give her space and keep open communication for when/if she wants to talk about what's going on. However, this does not mean that I will miss opportunities to remind her that people, all people, deserve to be treated with respect and there will be consequences if she treats me otherwise. I can't really remember two days ago, but I think she started making a little bit of "small talk" as soon as she got home.

On Monday, I went and saw my counselor and also saw the doctor about my PCOD and started taking progesterone to help with that. I brought the little one to her mom's for the day, so it kind of was a take care of me day :)

Yesterday, I ventured out in the snow to meet with the caseworker. We have been talking about what to do about the teen and school. I told her that with the way she's been treating me, I am not sure she would want to stay if given the choice. However, I think we planned out an approach that would explain it as being easier for their mom and better for the teen. The consensus is that the teen is scared/conflicted/worried/etc. about going home, but is unable/unwilling to talk about it. So, it's easier to turn me into the "bad guy" or say things to try to make her unlikable (sorry, sweetheart, you can't get rid of me that easily!)

When I came home, I realized she ate a bagel...yes, one of the bagels the little one and I made that she told me she would not eat because I made them. Stinker! In the afternoon, I took her to see her counselor who agreed to meet with her even though the roads were kind of bad and there was no school. (I called and told her they needed to talk!) I think the session must have worn her out because she took a nap which she rarely/never does. She also took excedrin and her headaches have to be pretty bad for her to take anything. Poor kid. So, I left her be for the most part, locked in her room with music and fb while I entertained her sister and made dinner. We did watch some TV and "chilled" together after the little one was in bed, not talking about any of the hard stuff, but I think it's okay.

Today, she spent the day at my sister's with the little one while I was at work. My sister gave her passes to a work out place and I asked if she wanted to do it together. She said sure...and I call that progress :) The woman who owns the Curves where I've been a member for over 7 years is selling it, so maybe it's time to look elsewhere...or maybe it's just what we need for the short-term. It wasn't long after I asked her about her history test that was supposed to be yesterday and is now tomorrow that she left the room to get ready for bed. I am trying not to read into that, though, because it also was the time we usually go to bed and her show was over.

I have done a lot of talking/processing too and can actually say that I'm proud of how I was able to handle things. I've heard it isn't easy to be the parent of a teenager (or any age kid!) and I'm parenting a teen who isn't mine...and have been for nearly 8 months now. Granted, she is super easy, especially after reading the twitter feed/blog of someone who has a not-so-gracious, responsible, or quiet teen, but it's still challenging...and rewarding :)

I have learned SO much from this experience, and it isn't over yet, so there are certainly more lessons to be learned! In the mean time, I am enjoying having the old teen back :)

Good night.