Grateful for Grace

I finally think I have the time and energy to write about the "Day of Gratitude" I had on Tuesday. This was the fifth year I attended the Thanksgiving retreat there at this center. I have not been disappointed and it always comes at the perfect time. If you are "bored" and want to read the posts I wrote from the other years, here are the links: 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010. I re-read them (well, skimmed) and found them to be rather (or maybe "somewhat") insightful, if I do say so myself. I do enjoy looking back at where I have been. I thought it interesting that in 2009, I wrote about being thankful for being "who I am" since I started seeing my therapist shortly before that day and being thankful for "who I am" is an ongoing discussion/process. Last year's post has a neat story about being "thankful for thorns" which was good for reflection.

This year's retreat was the first one that wasn't a "women's retreat". It was led by a Jesuit priest who has a PhD and it was a lot more theological/philosophical than in years past and I'm sure I spent some of the day looking like a deer in the headlights, but it was still a good day. There were only seven of us besides the facilitator, so it was an "intimate" group. We also were a relatively diverse group so were able to share different perspectives and reasons to be thankful. Since I am writing this to remember, here are the "players" so to speak:
1. Woman in her 40s (not wearing a ring) whose 20-year-old son passed away a couple years ago. She recently left her job of seven years to "find herself" and now works in housekeeping at the retreat center.
2. Retired Colomban priest who did much of his missionary work in Korea, now is "retired" and learning to live in this community.
3. 75-year-old retired nurse who is now a "master gardener". Has kids and grand-kids (and goes to my church).
4. 40ish woman, married with four kids. Husband is a stay-at-home dad and last year she left her "high power" job for something less stressful that allows her more time with her family and is looking to go back to school.
5. Retired Colomban priest who just celebrated 50 years of priesthood. He did missionary work all over the world, including Fiji. He moved to my city last week and hadn't lived here since the 1950s or 60s.
6. Woman in her 40s who was married for 10 years before her husband left/divorced her. In the 10 years since, she moved from one high-power job to another before coming to work in marketing at the retreat center earlier this year.
7. You already know me :) 32, single, pediatric nurse, foster parent, aunt...

The thing I liked about the "set-up" this year is that there was a presentation portion followed by a 30-40 minute "alone" time and then time to share. One of the years it was really structured which worked too, but I think it is good to have reflection time set aside at a "retreat".

The first part, he talked about St. Ignatius and printed a couple of pages from a book about him. He highlighted St. Ignatius' "Suscipe"-- "Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and all my will--all that I have an possess. You, Lord, have given all that to me. I now give it back to you, O Lord. All of it is yours. Dispose of it according to your will. Give me love of yourself along with your grace, for that is enough for me."

I had a little bit of a hard time taking notes during the day because he talked kind of fast and some of it I didn't quite "get", but I did listen :) After this part, he had us reflect on something that God has given us that we appreciated more than anything else right now. His reflection said something about his "vocation being confirmed by relationship" and that really spoke to me. So, I reflected on my relationship with the teen. A year ago, our relationship was so much different than it is today. There were definitely struggles as I tried to figure out how to reach her, how to help her, how to earn her trust, etc. The retreat came just after she "willingly" spent nine days here with me and I can tell that our time together made a tremendous difference and I know that I "reached" her. So, my "vocation" to be a foster parent was definitely confirmed by that relationship.

I cried the most during that reflection time because it is overwhelming to know how much of a difference I was able to make, mostly by just being "me" and using the gifts that God has given me. Also, the word "vocation" really stood out to me because I definitely feel like I am doing what God has called me to do and it is a struggle when it isn't seen as "normal" by societal standards. I wrote in my journal that when he said his "vocation was confirmed by his relationship", it spoke volumes to me about really being aligned with God's plan and being able to appreciate that calling rather that feeling some sort of "shame"for acting outside of the "norm" and instead embracing the gift.

The second part was about grace and the scriptural model versus the Western/secular/capitalistic model. I really had a hard time being able to write notes, but it did make sense while I was there...well, kind of! Basically, I think the point is that the "common" view is that God rewards us with grace according to our good deeds and God, grace, and self are all separate while the scriptural model is that grace/the Holy Spirit is within meaning that God is present in the slightest moments, in every moment of every day. All gifts come from God, without God you can do nothing. He talked about the vine and the branches and how they cannot be separated and survive.

During this reflection time, we were to read part of this book the facilitator wrote, but I chose just to do my own reflection. I carefully got into a hammock and immediately thought of my "one word" for this year which was "trust" because I'm not always so graceful and am kind of surprised (pleasantly) that I didn't flip right out of the hammock! During this time, I thought about all the people God has placed in my life who DO have this view that God is present every day, in every moment, even when things are tough. In the sharing portion, I talked about Sara and her "Choose Joy" mentality that has trickled down into everyone who has been blessed to know her. I also shared about feeling God's presence during the time I was "mom" to the little one and the teen, particularly how the weeks/months of waiting this summer not knowing when they were going home allowed us just to enjoy each other's presence for how ever long we had. That time gave us the opportunity to flourish our relationship and establish more trust. As I sat in the hammock, I could feel the warm sun on my left cheek and the cool breeze on my right. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and it was just a beautiful day...one that I likely could have missed with all my running from here to there and everywhere on any other day.

After lunch, I went and walked the labyrinth. I think it is amazing that this is the fifth time I walked it and each time there is a different experience. Again, Sara is not far from my thoughts, especially when I breathe in the fresh air remembering that I ought not take this for granted. How "choosing joy" can change your perspective. The day before the retreat, I raked my leaves and chose to see the filled bags and "clean" yard as a sense of accomplishment, witnessing the fruits of my labor, rather than dwelling on the fact that many more leaves would be falling and need to be raked too. As I walked, I thought about having a gift of "openness"--being open to sharing my thoughts, open to listening to, open to God's will (my "one word"-trust), open to hearing Him, open to suggestions/advice, open to trying new things, and open to people whose idea/opinions differ from mine.

During the third part, he talked about the booklet that I didn't read, but had us reflect on a normal day and how/where we saw God's presence. During my reflection time, I was reminded of a quote from St. Francis of Assisi that says "Preach the Gospel at all times...when necessary use words." While I am more "extraverted" than I used to be, I still remain somewhat of a quiet observer in order to learn what I can about people, their stories, their experiences, in order to better serve them, others in the future, and myself. During the sharing time, someone reflected that they find God in the laughter she hears throughout the day. Another person spoke of taking time each day to be quiet with God.

In the fourth part, he asked if we saw nature as a powerful symbol of God as creator. I admitted that I haven't always been one to appreciate nature, but am getting better at not taking it's beauty for granted. In conclusion, we are to recognize our gifts and know that all gifts come from God, we are to be ready to share our gifts, and trust our inner self as action of the Spirit (at least this is what I can gather from the brief notes I wrote under "conclusions"...ha!) We ended with the Veni, Sancte, Spiritus which I would type here, but it is long and this is already very long! He gave us a handout called "Rummaging for God: Praying Backward Through Your Day" that I haven't looked at yet (I just re-found it!), but sounds like an interesting read.

So, it was a much different experience than the other four "gratitude" retreats I have attended, but I think that's a good thing. It definitely stretched my thinking, even if at times it made me feel like I was in school (it's okay to make my brain work differently, right?!) It was definitely a good reminder to continue to appreciate the little things since God is present in the slightest moments...and all gifts come from Him. WE are the Body of Christ and are to be God's Temple, His Dwelling Place.

I have so much to be grateful for, including the fact that I was able to get a day off to attend a retreat :) And, now I have next year's retreat to look forward to, and another retreat to look back on :)

Good night.

Spoiled Brat

(with an under-emphasis on the "Brat"...hopefully!)

I'm kind of feeling "spoiled" right now. It seems like things keep on falling into place in my favor. So much so that it is nearly "unbelievable"...except that I know better. Sure, these past few weeks have had their rough spots (like this). However, as soon as I decided not to worry, the days ahead proved to be even better than I could have imagined...

I found out yesterday that they were not going to need people to work at the new hospital today. Since I have been working there, my "call off date" would likely be further back than my other co-workers. When I stopped by my floor for my interview yesterday, I checked the schedule to find that there was only one "extra" nurse scheduled and it was quite possible there wasn't going to be ANY "extra" nurses. For real?! The one day that I wouldn't have alternative plans for hours, I would actually be needed on my unit?! I didn't even have to be "on call" because someone called last night to say they would do that (it probably would have been my "turn").

Today was a REALLY nice day, which was much appreciated because I haven't had to deal with a "full load" of patients for quite some time! It was so nice, actually, that the other nurse in my area, myself, and our nursing assistant were ALL able to enjoy part of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel since tonight was "movie night". All of the patients from my area were able to go and we were able to have some nachos, popcorn, and pretzels if we wanted. They have been doing movie nights once a month. Last month they showed The Princess and the Frog and I was able to stay for the entire movie. I only saw part of the movie today and it totally cracked me up...I'm going to need to see the whole thing some time! Being a pediatric nurse is so much fun (and challenging, but lots of times fun!) I am so fortunate to REALLY love what I do!

My experience at the new hospital was much more than simply "getting hours". I took on a leadership role I did not know that I had in me and am proud of the work that I did. It was a perfect fit for me to be able to share my knowledge while also being a "cheerleader" and calming influence. If I wanted to do some "deep thinking" (which I actually DO need to start doing more!), I would say that the person they saw there is the one that those who read this blog see. The first words I heard yesterday when I arrived were "raving reviews" from nurses who worked with me during the previous shifts. If it hadn't been 7:00 in the morning, I probably would have cried because the words were so genuinely kind. Even though I get positive feedback from my manager, I rarely get that kind of feedback from my peers. Those nurses respected and appreciated me enough to share that with my contact person. We are starting to work on our annual performance evaluations and I asked my contact person to share this feedback with my manager :) Again, this opportunity to work at the other hospital in a different capacity was so much better than I ever could have imagined both financially and personally...again, I'm spoiled ;)

My interview seemed to go well and I appreciate all the prayers and "good vibes". Thankfully, the "interviewer" was my friend from media relations, so I sat and chatted with her right up to the time they started taping to keep me from getting nervous. She said my answer to her first question was really good :) Later, I had trouble forming coherent words and sentences, but at least most of it was good! This was another little "out of the box" moment and I'm excited to "mingle" with the people at the fund raising event next month.

Maybe I just feel like a "spoiled brat" because I'm trying REALLY hard to find the best in every situation and remain positive as much as possible. I like to think that I've ALWAYS been a really positive person, and for the most part, that is probably true. However, things just seem a little bit different now and my eyes are truly open to blessing after blessing that are sent my way. Probably still "spoiled", but also simply because I realize how fortunate/"lucky" I am :)

Well, I was going to try and type up a few posts to "go" while I'm visiting Ginger. I will bring my net book with me, but likely won't write about my trip until I come back...at least I'm not planning to make "blogging" a priority (even though we met BECAUSE we blog...ha!) However, this post took me entirely too long and I'm tired. So, I'll either do that tomorrow or it is an "idea" that doesn't make it to reality.

Good night.
______________________________
My Dashboard says that I have made 796 posts. However, the "published" section says that I have posted 797 times. According to my home page, 100 posts in 2007 + 345 posts in 2008 + 259 posts in 2009 + 93 posts (so far!) in 2010 = 797 posts. Weird that they don't "add up"... However, I think I'll go with "majority rules" and count this as my 798th post so I can plan a special "800th post" if I so desire!

How about that?!

I really shouldn't be SURPRISED at how things seem to be "falling into place", but it's still amazing...

Nine days ago, I was SO sad about getting called off work AGAIN and wondering what I was going to do. I was trying REALLY hard to trust in God and not worry about how things were going to work out, but trust that they would. I posted this as my facebook status: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."... Matthew 6: 25, 34 )"

Then, three days ago, an amazing opportunity fell into my lap. I'm STILL counting my blessings! Honestly, I have been having to pinch myself that this is actually happening. Yesterday, I actually went to the other hospital and worked for nearly eight hours...some of which will be overtime pay...yes, OVERTIME...I can hardly believe it!

Tomorrow, I think it would be my turn to be "forced off" yet again. I worked today, but went home a little early because we only needed four nurses...there are EIGHT scheduled for tomorrow. I'm not exactly sure if the way this is being handled is "fair", but I am taking my blessings as they come and trying not to worry about "fair". There is a reason this is happening to me, and I just need to say "thank you" rather than question whether or not I deserve this.

As I was leaving (remember, it was 2 1/2 hours early), I ran into the parents of a patient who hasn't been on my floor in nearly six months. I think about them ALL the time, but don't just go down to the ICU to visit. I always "hope" that I will run into them some day, but since am rarely off the floor besides my walk in and walk out. Well sure enough, as I was about to go down the escalator, they were coming up! Seriously, how about that?! Not only that, but the mom immediately gave me a hug and sent her husband ahead. Now, I only took care of this patient for 1 1/2 shifts, so it is really special to have that kind of relationship with them. :) She and I visited for quite a while, and I shared with her this story of trusting Him and how things have worked out. She shared a similar/different story and it was just a beautiful conversation about faith, trust, and His promises (don't worry, I WILL provide...etc.) Seriously, our "chance meeting" couldn't have come at a better time because I was "dying" to share this story with someone besides the people who read this blog :) I really should try to arrange some kind of out-of-hospital meeting, especially since they have family in town and it would be fun to meet them.

Well, I suppose I should get ready for bed. This transition from not working to working kind of a lot has made me a little sleepy...ha! I can hardly believe I'm going on vacation in six days...I am SO excited!!

Good night.

It Takes All Sorts

So, I'm glad that this blog is "anonymous" because then I can share some work stories (with some discretion of course now that I know how strict the privacy laws are!)

I've been SO bored at work the past couple weeks because our census has been low and I had an awesome student who took care of our patients pretty much independently. Typically, we have three patients on the day shift, but it had been a long time since we had any patients that were very sick, and many times only had two patients. So, I was kind of ASKING for a busy day...and, I was "busier", that's for sure...but more for social/support reasons than sick patient. Which made for quite the interesting day!

One of the moms had a gold tooth with a cross on it and wore pajamas all day long. She was the most "normal" of the three. Another mom came out to the desk to tell me that her child was about to throw up...I'm thinking maybe you should make sure your child has a bucket and maybe hold the hand or something of that matter, but whatever. That mom also brought her child to the desk to say she wanted me to look at her kid's butt...and came to find me when she wanted me to dump the stool and insisted on special butt cream that took hours to make and asked me just about every 15 minutes if it was ready. Her mom sat right in front of the table I needed to use and not once made an attempt to move even though I used the table every single time I came into the room. (Sorry if this sounds like they were being "normal", but I assure you that they were annoying when they came to "find" me for this and that and the other thing and told me what to do.) And, I heard the third mom on the phone saying they were going to take the cable box to the pawn shop so the dad could get gas in their vehicle and come to the hospital. She later asked me if I knew anything about "IUD's" to which my response was "um, no". She preceded to tell me that she had her IUD removed on Friday, but didn't get any other birth control and she and the baby's dad had "you know" and now she was feeling "bloated" and hoping she wasn't pregnant. And, yes, earlier she had asked for hospital pants because she had started her period...ai yi yi... I'm not exactly sure WHAT she wanted me to do with that information--not like I could tell her if she was or was not pregnant, or what to do about the fact she had seven children and didn't really want any more... It takes all sorts, people, it takes all sorts...and at least all of those moms really care about their kids and are doing their best...it just made for the non-boring day that I wanted :o) However, I WAS happy I didn't have to go back to work today because two of the three really had me spinning!

I did actually have a meeting this morning from 10:30-12:30 which got me up earlier, but it was REALLY nice today and would have been nice to have the whole day off. I ended up spending a little time sitting outside reading a book, but not nearly as much time as I had planned (to be honest, I'm not exactly sure what I did with my time between 12:30 and 2:00!) This afternoon, I met with my spiritual director and told her all about the events of the past month (it was a busy month!)

After I left, I noticed a missed call from my caseworker. She left two questions in my voice mail. She wanted to know how many bedrooms I had, and what schools my day care will transport kids to. When I called her back, she didn't give me much more information other than she had a call for siblings who needed to have separate bedrooms. Well, my other "guest room" is SUPPOSED to be an office/scrapbook room, but it basically a room with a lot of stuff that would not be able to become a bedroom any time in the near future. I didn't know the schools off hand, but sent her an email when I got home. Weird thing is, though, that the day care doesn't transport to the school down the street from me or to the one across the street from my parents. I should check to see what that's all about. She said that the younger kids go a lot faster, so I think I need to change my thinking and figure out my thoughts on that. I guess I didn't REALLY have an idea of how this becoming a foster mom thing was going to go, but I've had the idea of being a mom to a little girl since I WAS a little girl...however, I need to continue to trust that God has a plan, and be open to the fact that my time to be a "mom to a little girl"will come when/if it is supposed to...

My house is still not ready for someone else to share it with me, though, so I NEED to work on that tomorrow since the calls keep coming! Crazy that I was going to be watching a 5-month-old today, tomorrow, and Saturday...I wonder if I would have had a clean house if I knew I HAD to have a clean house!

I probably should make a "to-do list" to try and keep me focused tomorrow since I have NO plans (and no plans really isn't such a good thing for this super procrastinator!)

I decided to start the countdowns for my two upcoming trips...I'm SO excited!
Well, I'd better get to bed since I have "big plans" for tomorrow :o)
Good night.

More Music

I've been hearing this song on the radio and wanted to post the "music and lyrics" so I have it to refer back to when I need to hear these words :o) It also fits because I started reading this book today that seems really over my head. It is about faith/religion and I'm going to try and read it, even though I only got through about 15 pages this afternoon (could be that it was during the time I decided to take a bath because taking a bath was a "good" excuse to not clean/organize)

Music and lyrics is nothing new to my posts, so I decided to look back on a couple other posts that centered on music so they may be easier to find in the future :o)

Unredeemed

The cruelest words, the coldest heart
The deepest wounds, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter nights, the wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are

[Chorus]
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see it will not be
Unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all …

[Chorus]

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But you never know the miracles the Father has in store
Just watch and see it will not be
Just watch and see it will not be

I was an absolute "mess" when I posted this song the first time. Now, I just belt it out in the car since that is the CD that I play whenever a commercial comes on. It proved useful when I sang at the top of my lungs on the way to Mass on Saturday night. The woman in front of me told me she "liked my voice"...thank you Amy Perry for "warming me up" LOL! (I'm not a soloist my any means or even have a small choir voice, but I do blend well with people who DO have great singing voices...ha! It was a really nice compliment, though, and I just took it :o))

Also, still a fan of these lyrics (and music)...

You're Not Alone ~Meredith Andrews
I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
**sayin'

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

Today, my friend's baby turned one. Since he is my "Godson" and I was off today, I decided to go visit. My friend even invited me to have dinner with them. It was fun to see her. His party will be on Sunday. I did get a quick picture with him, but it isn't on my computer yet. So, here's from last year :o)

Another day at home that I was pretty unproductive. I'm off again tomorrow, but plan to go visit my nephew (and would like to go visit one of my co-workers who is on maternity leave). So, I need to get some things done...considering I have now been off for three entire days! It's also going to be hard to get up early on Friday since I've been staying up late and getting up late! I'd better "hit the hay!"

:o) Good night.

Music and Lyrics

Legacy

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all the who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such 'n such...it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an "Atta boy" or "Atta girl"
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
the temporary trappings of this world

Chorus:
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon destroy

Chorus

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well done" good and faithful one

Chorus
______________________

This song has been playing in my head the past few days (well, the first part anyway...I had to search to remember the rest of the lyrics). I am a big fan of song lyrics (and quotes!) and love when they say what I couldn't find the words to say.

Last Thursday, I found out that an elementary school classmate died suddenly. Although I hadn't seen him in probably 20 years, it is still unbelievable. When I mentioned it at choir practice last week, I was reminded that he had lost a brother to SIDS (I remember him talking about his brother...we only went to school together from maybe 3rd-5th grades) and his dad also had died at a young age. He was married in October to a girl who was three grades below me in high school. Last night, I was able to attend the visitation (since I was forced to stay home from work...a story for another day). When I was talking to his mom, telling her how sorry I was, especially since grief and loss is not new to her, she said something to the effect of "oh, but those poor people in Haiti, now that is loss, they lost everything and their entire families, I still have [and she gestured to her daughter and other members of her family]" Wow, I had no response for that. His young wife, a new widow talking to a funeral director...you aren't "supposed" to have to do that when you are 26...nor should you have to go through a homicide investigation which is protocol for someone dying suddenly at home (can you imagine?!) They both were doing amazingly well, but from what I know about grief and loss, it is the time to come that will be more challenging, when it seems others have forgotten.

Not that I expect to die any time soon (none of us do!), when things like this happen, my mind wanders to what people would say about me, what my "legacy" will be. In these past months, I have come to realize that the path I am on WILL leave a legacy...and I will live on in the hundreds of people I have touched along the way (how about we go for "thousands" since I'm planning to stick around for a few more decades!)

As I wrote in my last post, yesterday was Asher Bolte's second birthday. While his life here was short, as Ginger wrote, his tiny feet left big footprints. He definitely left a legacy, and his story has reached, and touched, hundreds of people. I took the opportunity to have some fun with all this snow that apparently is not going away and brought some food coloring outside. I ended up running out of blue, and arts and crafts are not my forte, but I had a good time. I wrote Asher's name in the snow on my unsturdy picnic table (a gigantic tree branch fell on it in the June storm of 2008...yeah, it's still in my backyard!) and stood on the wobbly top to take a picture...which is why you can see my boots (I took a couple pictures, but liked the ones with my boots!)

I can't post about "leaving a legacy" without being reminded of the Lady A song that Ginger shared with me during her visit in November. She left me to listen while she got ready for bed and came back to me bawling...it IS a good one, and I was at a place where I wasn't as confident in myself and my journey, but knew that I was doing my best to make the most of my life and the people God places in my path...and still am.

I Was Here--Lady Antebellum

You will notice me. I'll be leaving my mark, like initials carved in an old oak tree, you wait and see. Maybe I'll write like Twain wrote. Maybe I'll paint like Van Gogh, cure the common cold, I don't know, but I'm ready to start

'cause I know in my heart--I wanna do something that matters, say something different, something that sets the whole world on its ear. I wanna do something better with the time I've been given, and I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life, and leave nothing less than something that says "I was here".

I will prove you wrong. If you think I'm all talk, you're in for a shock, 'cause this dream's too strong, and before too long...maybe I'll compose symphonies, maybe I'll fight for world peace, 'cause I know it's my destiny to leave more than a trace of myself in thisplace.

I wanna do something that matters, say something different, something that sets the whole world on its ear. I wanna do something better, with the time I've been given, and I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life, and leave nothing less than something that says "I was here".

And I know that I, I will do more than just pass through this life. I'll leave nothing less than something that says "I was here". I was here. I was here. I was here. Wanna do something that matters something that says I was here wanna do something that matters something that says I was here, I was here.

________________________

And, since I'm trying to focus on taking time out for prayer this Lent, I found a video (Josh Groban actually...not too shabby!) and lyrics from one of my favorite "church songs". We actually sang it this past Sunday, and it is often sung at funerals, although we also sang it at my First Communion. Anyway, it is based on Psalm 91, which was the Psalm this week (the other readings were from Deuteronomy 26: 4-10, Romans 10: 8-13, and Luke 4: 1-13). I actually did spend some quiet time in reflection and prayer (and "sucked it up" and went to Confession for the first time in over ten years...the priest told me that if I did it more often, it would be easier...ha!)



On Eagle's Wings
You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord,
Who abide in His shadow for life,
Say to the Lord, "My Refuge,
My Rock in Whom I trust."

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
The snare of the fowler will never capture you,
And famine will bring you no fear;
Under His Wings your refuge,
His faithfulness your shield.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
You need not fear the terror of the night,
Nor the arrow that flies by day,
Though thousands fall about you,
Near you it shall not come.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
For to His angels He's given a command,
To guard you in all of your ways,
Upon their hands they will bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
And hold you in the palm of His Hand
__________________

I don't have the lyrics to this next song, but it is a song that "unites Music City for Haiti". It's pretty awesome to see Christian and Country artists sing together on a beautiful song written to help raise money for Haiti relief. (I've been following this blog since the earthquake and her stories are heartbreaking, but her last couple posts have had some hope in them...so sad that they lost a number of premature babies due to lack of basic equipment, things that we don't even think about being "optional".)

Come Together Now


When I was searching for a link, I "stumbled upon" one of the last music and lyrics I posted--

Okey doke...music and lyrics to speak what's on my mind and it STILL took me forever to put together. Today was my second day in a row of only being "kind of productive". I have two more days to get my rear in gear (my sister texted me that if I was bored I should come visit...well, I was feeling "bored", but not for lack of things to do at my house! I should go see her one of the days, that would be nice :o) ) I have no idea when/if the next call will come and I ought to be a little more prepared than what I am right now. Kelly also posted a challenge on her blog to send snail mail. I used to be really good at this, but have been slacking a big, so maybe these next two days will involve letter writing too :o)

Good night.

He Is With You

I'm in a "good place" right now (although I wish I had been a bit more productive during my three days "off"...but, I guess in my defense, they weren't really "days off", PLUS, it is super cold outside and napping just sounded better than cleaning/organizing!) However, I heard this song on the way home from choir practice and had to share. I think it is beautiful, and I know the words will bring comfort to people in all sorts of different circumstances. Not sure why I didn't hear it until tonight, but the way that God's timing has been these days (well, I'm sure God's timing is the same every day, but I've been noticing it being really great for ME these days...ha!) my guess is that someone (one of the very few people who reads this blog!) needs to read these words/hear this song today.



In other news (ha ha)...I've been "messing around" with my blog this week and have made some fun changes (well, I think they are fun!). I liked a lot of things about my old header, but did NOT like the picture of me...so, I had to get it off there, at least temporarily! I like the way this one turned out and it was fairly easy to do on scrapblog.com. It would have been even easier if I was creative and decisive, but I'm not :o) I wanted to try the scrolling buttons since I have been "envious" of the scrolling buttons on Ginger's blog for "forever". She shared her "secret" with me...sneakymommablogdesign.blogspot.com and I decided to give it a try. It may need some work, but for now, it's fun.

Today was another busy day...four hour class this morning, a little bit of laundry and dishes, a work out and basketball game this afternoon, and choir practice tonight. Back to work the next two days. Apparently, the floor filled back up, so I'm not anticipating a call in the morning asking if I want to stay home. As nice as it would be to stay in a warm bed on an unexpected day off, I will have to decline the offer so I can save my PTO for my vacations :o)

Time for bed. Good night.

It's Just Different

It's nearly 5:00 on Christmas Eve. I went to bed early again last night and slept for a very long time. I stayed in my pajamas until around 3:00 when I finally decided to shower (after I wrapped presents and shoveled my driveway). I made myself bow tie noodles and Parmesan cheese. I got a call at 5:00 this morning to see if I could come to work. We "staffed light" with hopes that we wouldn't have many patients. Instead, the hospital is full of sick kids who will spend Christmas there. I'll be there tomorrow doing what I can to try and make Christmas in the hospital "not suck"...yeah, good luck with that, right?!

Not to be a "Debbie Downer", but Christmas is just different these days...it is sort of hard to be joyful when I know of so many people who are hurting, so many kids who are sick, so many people who are missing loved ones. Of course, maybe that all will change in an hour when I head to my grandparents' house and experience Christmas with my nephew for the first time. Christmas IS so much more than a tree and decorations (although, I did get sad when I went searching for my Christmas cookie candles this morning and saw ALL the decorations that never made it out this year). It isn't about getting gifts, but about a gift that was given. Tonight, I'm going to be with those I love the most and that's what will make this Christmas special. I have so much to be thankful for...and I hope that I have, at least in some way "given this Christmas away" and have been "His hands, His feet, His love"

Merry Christmas.

What if I told you
You have the power
To give someone hope
Beyond their wildest dreams
What if I told you
It’s right there in your hands
In your hands

It’s hard to imagine
How something so small
Can make all the difference
Tear down the tallest wall
What if December
Looked different this year
What if we all just

Give this Christmas away
If there’s love in your heart
Don’t let it stay there
Give this Christmas away
And your life will be changed
By the gifts you receive
When you give this Christmas away

It’s feeding the hungry
Serving the poor
It’s telling the orphan
You’re not forgotten anymore
It’s doing what love does
Even when no one’s watching you

Give this Christmas away
If there’s love in your heart
Don’t let it stay there
Give this Christmas away
And your life will be changed
By the gifts you receive
When you give this Christmas away
For God so loved the world
That He gave His only Son
So we could be
His hands, His feet, His love
His love

What if I told you
You have the power
To give someone hope
Far beyond their wildest dreams
What if December
Looked different this year
Yah what if we all just

Give this Christmas away
If there’s love in your heart
Don’t let it stay there
Give this Christmas away
And your life will be changed
By the gifts you receive
When you give this Christmas away

Give this Christmas away
You have the power
Just give it away
Give it away
Give it away
This Christmas
Give it away
Give Christmas away
Give it away

Hard to Explain

What a four days this has been! It was SO busy, but SO much fun! I spent half of yesterday crying for a number of reasons and barely got through that first sentence before my eyes filled with tears. It is hard to explain, and maybe even unexplainable (or just take a little more processing than I can do at this hour of the day). But, I wanted to at least write something (because, you know, this here "blog" is my journal and all...ha!) Maybe I'll do a "time line" in a later post, but this will do for now :o)

I picked up flowers before I went to pick up Ginger at the airport. I thought we'd both be able to enjoy them while she was here, but we ended up not being home very much at all (and she NEVER sat in any of my kitchen chairs...at least I don't THINK she did!) I snapped a couple pictures of them this morning while she was getting ready to go. They look like they will last a while, so that will be nice for me :o) It WAS really funny though when I was standing on the other side of security waiting for her with this bouquet of flowers. She was sitting in the back of the plane, so I saw lots of people before I saw her. A number of people (mostly men) asked if the flowers were for them and I began to wonder if it was really weird to bring flowers when you were picking up your friend at the airport...so, I attempted to sort of hide them/make them not as conspicuous until I saw her. Of COURSE she liked them and didn't think I was weird at all for bringing them (at least she didn't admit to that...ha!) so that was good :o)

This is one of only four pictures that were taken of us this weekend (so, there won't be a slide show this time...). Crazy that a photographer and a girl who likes taking pictures managed to get so few pictures, but at least we have a couple. This was taken last night when we were visiting my aunt and uncle. We actually both bought our shirts in Chicago (this post also gives a little "how we met" synopsis...as well as stories from that fun weekend) and that was the first time I had worn mine SINCE Chicago (it did not look right on me any of the times I had tried to wear it in the mean time...guess it only looks good when Ginger is around...ha!)

My sister (and me, I guess) arranged for Ginger to do some photography sessions while she was in town. While coming to see me is a good enough reason to head this way (LOL), we figured if she could make a little bit of money it would be an even bigger incentive to hop on that plane and come visit :o)

On Thursday, she took photographs of my nephew and my sister's nephew who is six weeks younger. She also photographed my sister's friend's family (their baby was REALLY sick a few times this year but doing a lot better). Friday night she took my sister's family Christmas pictures, and Saturday afternoon she did fall/Thanksgiving pictures for my brother-in-law's sister and her family. Confused?! Anyway, my first wave of tears came during the session yesterday. I was just overcome with emotion watching Ginger work with the 5-year-old half-brother of my sister's nephew (ha...hopefully I can follow this when I re-read it!) It was just SO sweet to see that interaction, to see how he trusted her...I guess, it was kind of like seeing what I hope people see when I work with my patients. It really was a beautiful and special and emotional and that sounds really weird but I have no other words...

There is so much more I want to write, so much more in my heart and in my mind, but I do have to go back to work tomorrow for the first time in nearly a week...so, I suppose I will end this "partial post" with a picture I took of my nephew today. He is getting SO big :o)

Good night.

Have to Have Friends

While the lyrics don't EXACTLY fit, that's the song that came to mind when I was thinking about what I would post about tonight.

Yesterday was a really fun day! I have been blessed with the most amazing friends and definitely realize that this is, indeed a "blessing". And, even more amazing is that many of these friends just kind of "showed up" at the most "random" (or, completely UN-random as it turns out) times. (Remember the friend I met on the beach when we were ten...yeah, like that!)

The day started off with an 8:30 meeting. Okay, not so much "fun", but in a meeting where my ideas and opinions are respected by people as high up as an "executive director", that is not too bad :o)

I had lunch with a friend who works in media relations. I think I first met her about three years ago and will NEVER forget that day! (I do not think she will either.) She was a new employee who was brought to a meeting I attended. She had recently left her job as a reporter at my favorite news station and, since this was before my blog-reading took over, I had spent lots of time reading about the people on the news. Even before she was introduced, I blurted out at least three (but hopefully less than ten!) "random facts" about her that I had seen on the web site/heard on the news. Seriously, totally NOT joking about this! And yet, "somehow" we became friends. There is a restaurant that is "our place" and we get together every couple of months, and always have a lot of fun. Yesterday was no exception. Our conversation ran the gamut from breastfeeding advice for my sister, her listening to my "rant" about the way they are doing things, discussions about patients/families, my "date", possible changes for her and her family, and even a discussion about faith. Too bad I won't be able to make it to the Life-a-Thon this year because I had fun with her the past two years.

After lunch, I checked with the girls to see if they wanted to go to the zoo. They decided to stay at home. So, I met up with my friend who is mom to "the baby" that likely needs a new name and her daughters and went with them. (Remember when I met her?! Yeah, really glad I blogged about that because it is really neat to read those words now, over sixteen months later.) I made a little collage of some of the fun we had :o)

Did you notice THIS picture?!

Would you believe that it is THIS kid?! (This picture was actually taken six weeks AFTER his transplant...more pics on this post.)

We had a great time, and were even able to visit some in between chasing kids and making sure there wasn't TOO much pestering of the sisters going on. I really am glad that I have "documentation" of that first meeting because, even then it felt like a "God thing", and it is awesome to look back and see what He has done.

I had to rush home after the zoo to get ready for my softball game. (As a side note, I ran into one of my parents' friends that we have known "forever" when I was at the restaurant, and other of their "forever friends" when I was at the zoo...my PARENTS have some awesome friends too!)

My softball team won our fifth game in a row and it was SO much fun! Most of the girls on the team I have known for a VERY long time which makes it even more fun.

After my game, I talked to a couple of my sweet friends I met through "blogging" (who woulda thought?! ha!) Yesterday was a tough day for them (and I'm thinking my other "blog friends" have been dealing with "issues" too...what's up with that?!)... Anyway, again I thought of a song. It is called "You're not alone". Not sure if it will "move" you the way it did me, but is definitely worth sharing. I searched to try and find a better video option, but hope this works. I have included the lyrics below in case you can't hear them (the song is also in my playlist if you can find it!)

Not sure if the video will work, but here are the lyrics:
You're Not Alone ~Meredith Andrews
I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
**sayin'

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

Today I went back to work after being off for three days. We had a pot luck so there was tons of yummy food :o) It was a good day, and I got to my mom and dad's in time to have dinner with them, the Japanese girls, and my parents' friends and their two daughters. Tomorrow, I think I have convinced my sister to bring my nephew shopping with me and the girls. It has not happened yet, so I'm not holding my breath, but I hope it works out because that would be fun.

Well, I've been "working" on this post for over two and a half hours and am not sure I put all the emotions/thoughts I am having into it. But, I DO know that I have amazing friends...and that they are huge blessings to me. My friends keep me grounded, they put things into perspective, make me think, challenge me, encourage me, listen to me, support me, and definitely put up with a lot of craziness! :o)

I'd better head to bed...with all the crazy thoughts running around in my head right now, I hope I don't have any crazy dreams! (Although, I would definitely take an "insightful" one...maybe one that fixes all my "issues"...ha ha...only in my dreams...hee hee!)

Good night.

In An Instant

So, I was about to start typing this "serious" post and realized that in my last post, I typed pretty much the same sentence twice in consecutive paragraphs...now THAT'S some stellar editing!
__________________
Once again, I am reminded that life can change in an instant. You would think that with the things I have seen, heard, and read, that should not come as a surprise any more, but it still does.

Ginger and her family had to say good-bye to her step-mom yesterday. I do not know the whole story, nor is it really MY story to tell, but I do know that she was fine earlier this week and now she is in Heaven. In an instant, their lives are forever changed...

A few weeks ago, there was a tragic story on the local news. A mom driving her three little kids was hit when someone ran a red light. One of the kids did not survive the accident. In an instant, lives changed forever... (Unfortunately, even more tragic is that the red-light runner was not an upstanding citizen, so the media stories were more about that than reminding people to slow down and pay attention. There was much more finger-pointing than making people realize that something like that could happen to them...either a distracted driver in a hurry making a terrible mistake or the family who mourns a loss that should not have happened.)

A routine ultrasound that shows a sick baby. A child brought to the ER with pneumonia ends up with open heart surgery. A cancer diagnosis. A tragic accident. An unexpected layoff. A home destroyed by fire or a natural disaster...

There are so many things that can happen "in an instant" that have everlasting effects. I suppose this is as good of an instant as any to remember not to take any moment for granted. Life is precious and should be filled with creating special memories with those you love.
_____________________
I found this story recently, but cannot remember where. It may not EXACTLY fit with this post, but this is as good of a time as any to share it.

The Dragonfly

Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions.

Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend had passed, gone forever.

Then, one day, the little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top.

When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying.

So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed.

Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he had passed. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended. But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life!
__________________________________
I had a great time spending time with my family today! I have been taking some pictures, but am not sure when I will end up posting them...maybe I will make a slide show when I get home so they are all in one place...

Well, I had better head to bed. I have no idea what "the plan" is for tomorrow (although I'm not thinking I will make it to help with my cousin's Senior Brunch at 9:00 since that is eight hours away and I'd really like to sleep at LEAST that long, especially since I AM on vacation!)

Good night.

Packing My Bags

Well...not EXACTLY, and not QUITE yet! I need to pack a bag for my week of baby-sitting. I am procrastinating though, and probably will end up doing most of it in the morning (even though I have to get a kid to a basketball game that starts at 9 and need to make sure he gets up and ready well before then!) I will be able to stop by my house to get things, so won't REALLY pack for an entire week. I think I will pack my "bathroom stuff", something I can wear to bed, something appropriate for church on Sunday, and a set of scrubs for Monday. Maybe an extra outfit just in case I don't get home as often as I think I will. Tomorrow night, I am going to a fundraiser dinner/auction at my high school, so am planning to come home in the afternoon to get ready and can grab some more things then.

Last night's post seemed to serve its purpose, at least for today. I was starting to feel a tiny bit overwhelmed and wanted to try and brace myself before the walls came tumbling down and I was caught off-guard. I definitely don't need my brain turning to mush because that wouldn't be helpful for anyone.

A "new reader" to my blog (there's your first "shout out" Nikki ;o) ) told me the other day: "If God brought you to it, God will get you through it." I think that is quite fitting in light of what has been going on. I AM only one person and I DO need to make sure I am taking care of myself, but also remember that (like Kim wrote in her latest post), if we turn to God, "He will work it all out, bring together the good for those us of that will let him."

Okay I have stalled on my packing long enough (or maybe I will go to bed and "stall" until the morning!) I have not decided what I will do about my computer. I think I will have to bring it along with me back and forth since we are a little attached (well, probably I am more attached to it than it is to me!)

Good night.

Those Who Understand

Hopefully I haven't made it a secret that I have been blessed with wonderful friends. I may not have what one would call A "best friend", but definitely think I have THE best friends!

The past couple days, a few of them came out in full force and I am so grateful for them (as well as for those who were not as visible but I know are there). I didn't even really have to explain myself...they knew, they understood, they didn't question me, they didn't judge me, and they said they will help me. Whether on the phone, in person, or by computer, my friends have surrounded me with love and support. What a huge blessing!

As far as my "issues" go, my thought right now is that God really can do whatever He wants...it may or may not be what I want, or think I want. I'm planning to focus on that for now...and trust He knows what He is doing.
____________________

I did end up having today off work, so I had breakfast with my mom and helped her with a couple "projects". This afternoon, I kept score at my dad's basketball game. This evening, I went to a movie with a friend (Four Christmases...MUCH better than the movie we saw yesterday!) Tonight, I tried out my new "Magic Bullet" which definitely is a lot less messy of a smoothie maker than a hand blender! I love it! Back to work tomorrow...and I still didn't get any Christmas cards done, although I did get some in the mail today which was fun :o) I do have Sunday and Monday off, so maybe THOSE will be Christmas card days!

Good night.

Remembering Poppy Joy

I've actually been "planning" this post for weeks (I know, that could be a sign that I have some "blog issues", but this time I think it is "okay"!).

It is November 25 and I am going to see how far I get with what I want to write (I have already started crying and have only typed three sentences, so it may take me a few days!). The post eventually be set to publish on December 1 at 10:26 AM.

That day, that time, because one year ago, the world was blessed with the beautiful Poppy Joy . Not to be overly dramatic, but I do not think my life would be the way it is today without that day. So many things have happened this past year that I could not have imagined, and I honestly think it began with Poppy Joy .

Prior to that day, a year ago, I had posted 75 times on my blog. I had a couple blogs that I read regularly. If I remember correctly, I had found Emily through one of them and had been blessed by her words, but had not yet met her precious Miller Grace . I had stumbled upon a couple other stories of babies born with Trisomy 18, but for whatever reason didn't really "get it". I read a post or two and carried on...not forgetting them, but apparently, that wasn't "the right time". And then, I saw a prayer request posted in a comment on one of the blogs I was reading to go to http://poppyjoy.blogspot.com and pray for this family who was about to meet their baby girl. That memory is so vivid to me that I can almost see the words. And so, I prayed, and I visited. And a few days later, I watched this video.



Prior to that day, I had seen kids die. I had sat with grieving parents, held their hands, and cried with them. However, most of those kids passed away after fighting battles, many who seemed to have fought off death more times than could be counted. They endured so much that when it came to "the end" of their life here, it was hard to believe it had actually come to that. So, this was really my first experience witnessing the joy that comes with celebrating the minutes here rather than watching the minutes slip away...

(November 26) I had been in the presence of some very "faith-filled" people. I considered myself to be a person who had a good deal of faith. However, I don't think I had ever seen anything like what I saw in that video. Through the tears, I remember thinking "wow"..."wow" was all I could think because I'm not sure there are actual words to describe the feelings that came to me (even though I "re-watched" it yesterday, that didn't really help me find the words!) (November 27) This wasn't about watching Poppy Joy die, it was about seeing her LIVE. I had never witnessed anything like that, and clearly it left a permanent impression.

Of course, since I attended college in Texas, I noticed the sweet Southern accent and was "hooked" (just kidding, but that part did make the video "extra sweet" for me :o) ).

About six weeks later, I found an email from Angie in my inbox. Now, that memory isn't quite as vivid, but I think it would be safe to say that I was surprised...and probably cried (because, you know, I'm a "crier"). She had started their adoption paperwork, and I was taking the first steps to becoming a foster parent. She even wrote about "walking this road together". As it turns out, I moved quite a bit slower and they have Adrienne, but it still was really sweet of her to reach out to me like that. She also "randomly" emailed me in April while I was taking classes and was at a point where I needed a little reminder about why I was doing it. Angie quickly responded to questions I had about open adoption for a friend of mine, and about things to do in her part of the country when I found myself near there this summer. What a blessing!

And THEN, I was led to more precious babies and their families. Sweet, beautiful people who have reminded me time and again that moments, minutes, hours, and days matter, and should not be taken for granted. Some I learned from and they don't even know. Others I know would be there for me in a heartbeat if I ever asked for prayers. A couple have become more than "blog friends" (although "I'm still Amanda from the Blog"...ha ha, thanks Kristy !) All have blessed me in ways they will never fully know (although I sure did try with this post!)

Blessings upon blessings...Friendships, unexpected, maybe even unlikely...Stories I didn't know existed...Unwavering faith in times that easily could have brought despair and doubt...

(November 30) To think, it all began with a tiny, 5 pound 11 ounce girl named Poppy Joy who spent three hours on Earth one year ago. She lives on in all who who have been blessed to meet her and her precious family.

I have included dates in this post so maybe that will explain a little bit of the "disjointedness". I will admit that I had great expectations for this post considering it has been in "the works" in my head for weeks. I am not sure my words have been able to fully capture the magnitude of all that I am feeling in my heart. I suppose my heart knows even what my head is unable to tell my fingers to type and go with that!

I have been asked a time or two why I spend time reading "sad blogs" when I deal with sickness and death in the work that I do. It is hard to explain to people, but while there are definitely sad times, look how much I have learned! And I know for certain that my faith has grown stronger this past year and I wouldn't trade that for anything...

So, today, I am remembering Poppy Joy, thanking God for her life, and all the blessings that have happened because she lived. Prayers to her family, as they surely are missing her even more today.

A Time

I was pretty much still asleep when I read the daily scripture passage from my little prayer book. I remembered it was one of the more "famous" passages from Ecclesiastes, but that's nearly all I took from it. So, I decided I should "probably" revisit it this evening when I was more awake. (As it turns out, Ecclesiastes 3: 1-3, 10-11, which is not long at all, but with eyes half open, well...)

The reflection part says "As famous as this passage is, it is only after the 'a time for...' phrases that the meaning comes clear, when it says 'He has made everything beautiful in its time...' (Ecclesiastes 3:11)...The transcendent is in the heart; this is not something we have earned or gained, rather it is that we are made in the image of God, who is transcendence itself...there is an appropriate time for everything, but in the center of our existence there is no time, simply existence...through good and bad there is a sensitivity and a quiet, joyful hope that allows you to go on."

Hmm, my brain hasn't been functioning well enough for at LEAST a week, so I don't think I will be able to do this reflection justice. Time, though, I DO know a bit about time. Most people seem to not have enough of it, I know I often don't use mine very wisely, I enjoy my sleeping time, when I think about my upcoming birthday, I wonder where the time went, I realize that a little time with special people have been enough to change my life...

Pretty good day at work...can't really complain :o) This weekend I am going to work at my "fun job" (even though if I hasn't committed to working at my "fun job", I could have worked an extra bonus shift on my floor...oh well, sometimes you have to "sacrifice" money for fun and keeping your commitments...)

Again, there is my attempt at an intelligent post, although I am still sticking to the words of others to help me...maybe NEXT week, I'll actually have something to say (but then, would I have to CHANGE the name of my blog?! hmm, I'd better rethink that!)

As always, there are lots of folks in need of prayers out there :o) If "you" are one of them, I have you covered :o)
Good night!

At a loss for words

That's kind of been my mantra the past few days. I have been having a tough time finding words, especially those to help my hurting friends. Now, I won't pretend that I am a gifted writer, but usually I can find some kind of way to express what is in my heart that makes some sense. Not so these days. Maybe it is because there are NO words...but it has been frustrating for me to feel so helpless.

Today is the 22nd. The 22nd has always been a special day for me because I am a "super nerd" (my "favorite time" is 10:22...NERDY! I mean WHO has a "favorite time"?). The past couple months it has taken on another meaning for me. While I am still celebrating another month closer to my birthday/another month celebrating living another month, I remember the little one who only saw one day, the 22nd, and his family who misses him every day, but especially on the 22nd. I would definitely have to say that today was not one of my favorite "22nds".

Work was okay. I did not sleep well last night at all (I can't believe I didn't write a journal post, but I was awake until midnight as it was). I took a long nap yesterday, so that probably didn't help with the whole sleeping thing. Early/mid-afternoon I got VERY crabby and annoyed and was unsure how I was going to make it through the shift. Then, I finally got lunch and all was well (yay for food, but still, no excuses for being crabby at work, especially when working with people who are WAY worse off than you! Perspective is everything, right?!)

I admitted a new little baby who came from another state to get evaluated for a transplant. One of the many roads I would never wish on another person. While I would definitely say that this baby has come to the right place for treatment, not everyone who enters those doors live long "normal" lives. Of course, being able to have the chance to help these families in their time of "crisis" is why I do what I do, why I love what I do. However, it is always a little sad when you see such sick kids and wonder if "we" will be able to help them.

This afternoon, I was catching up on how the baby was doing when I noticed his mom updated his web site. The baby is doing great, unfortunately his cousin passed away this afternoon. My friend had written on her page exactly a month ago, August 22, that her nearly 5-year-old nephew had been hit by a car. There hadn't been any updates and the couple times I asked about him, she didn't have any updates. Apparently, he had been making slow progress, but seemed to be improving. Today, she wrote: "If you recall, [he] was hit by a drunk driver while riding his Big Wheel in his neighborhood. I received word that [he] went to be with our Lord this afternoon after his heart failed. Apparently, the damage to his heart was much more severe than we knew and when his heart stopped this afternoon they could not revive him. Please pray for my sister, and her husband and his brothers and sisters." I called my friend soon after I read this. Currently, she is basically "stuck" here with the baby because he hasn't been healthy long enough to be discharged back to home. Right now, they are unsure where the funeral will be, but I think "the team" will agree that she needs to be there for her sister and family (even if they leave and then come back). She will not be able to get this time back and it is really important to be there. I imagine there are going to be some really tough emotions, especially considering the baby has been on the brink of death more than once, but by the grace of God is living and enjoying every minute of his little life. Just as many prayers were said, just as many pleas to God to save their son, but today was the day he was to go to Heaven anyway...

Please pray for my friends and their families as they deal with their extra struggles of today. There is no promise that tomorrow will be any easier, so prayers for all their "tomorrows" as well. I'd also appreciate a prayer or two for me to find my words (or, help in understanding that sometimes it is okay to not have them...)

Well, this seems like kind of a "downer" post, but really it isn't. I know that I am so blessed that God puts all these amazing people in my life. I learn a lot by listening, so maybe it is okay not to speak (or write) every once in a while! (Good reminder!) Listening is good :o) What I know for sure is that you cannot survive these types of life-altering experiences without faith.

Good night.

P.S. I am actually posting this at "10:22"...very appropriate (especially considering I started writing it at "9:01"...)