She's Gone

Ivy came to live here just over 6 months ago.  It was challenging from the beginning. I kept thinking things would get better, but they never really did. On June 17th, I bawled all the way through my therapy appointment and she asked me the "real" question...why can't I just be a stepping stone for her to a place that fits her better? After months of misery, suffocating, drowning, feeling "stuck" in a hopeless situation, I finally got my "out"...and my family agreed that I was neither a "quitter" nor a "failure". Her needs were just MUCH too great for me, especially with working 12-hour shifts and having a medically needy foster child who gets visitation 5 days a week. I stressed out as much about her when I was away as when I was home. I didn't enjoy anything about having her here. She made it much more difficult to deal with Zoe and her needs, especially since I had no reserve left to tolerate any of her "behaviors". It has been awful.

So, on June 17th, I told her Guardian (her second cousin) I couldn't take it anymore, she needed to be placed elsewhere. Just over SEVEN weeks later, she moved into a group home. In those 7 weeks, I continued to get minimal/no support/respite from him or other members of his/her family. Those weeks were somewhat better since I knew an end was in sight, but very frustrating because that should have been the time I got the MOST help. Instead, I had to try and act like I wanted her here (which I wasn't very successful at doing) while her Guardian and the therapist tried to convince her that moving out was her idea and the best thing. Her Guardian did not seem to feel any sense of urgency and took weeks to fill out the appropriate paperwork (very frustrating seeing as when his wife had enough after a couple of weeks, they just kicked her out...and then it was presented to me that his wife was the "bad guy")

She will be much better off in a group home setting with more supervision and built in social. She has a lot of characteristics of Asperger's and has minimal insight/problem solving skills (yet her Guardian decided during the 7 weeks I waited for her to move that her having a driver's license was a good idea...one of the few things that could have made things more stressful). Her parting gift to me was washing and drying a towel filled with glass she had accidentally broken and didn't tell me about (she also took the bathroom rugs, towels, and toothbrush holder even though they weren't really "hers"). I wish I could say that I miss her, but I really don't miss anything about having her here...hopefully some day I can look back and find something positive to say about these six months, but right now, I'm just happy she is gone (and in a much better place).

Now, I have to focus on Zoe for however long she will be in my home. There was a placement hearing July 24 to discuss placing her with a relative. I was told to be prepared to testify, but didn't end up having to do that. It was a very stressful 20 minutes as we waited for the Judge's decision, but he decided not to allow a change in placement at this time. The next hearing to discuss placing her back with her mom is October 29, so I will at least have her until then. She has gained about 10 pounds in the 11 months she has lived with me and grown about 2 inches. Her vocabulary and language is improving all the time and I think her behavior will get better now that she's the only child in the house again (she was fine until there were two and then part of it was her and part of it was me just being to stressed [and likely depressed] to be able to handle it appropriately). She can name nearly all 11 of her medications and I believe could even tell you what order they go in. She is starting Kindergarten on the 14th and is happy about her "new teacher", "new school", and "Dora backpack". She's obsessed with the "Wizard of Oz" and also has been watching "Annie" and "Snow White". She doesn't really know (and neither does her mom), but I got permission to take her on an airplane vacation next month and am SO excited! I'm very much looking forward to it just being the two of us, even though I feel like I'll barely see her since school is 9:05-3:55 and she has visits 4-7 on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday plus visits 4:30-7 on Saturdays. I'm putting her in dance on Wednesday nights, so that will be "our" time.

I'm hoping to be a better "blogger" once school starts and I likely end up with more "down time" than I know what to do with ;) I joined a foster parent group on "fb" and that has been a great support to me during this time (and the time to come since, if I had to guess, I'd say Zoe would be home by Christmas).

So, it's been crazy around here, but that's what's been going on. I'm feeling a lot better from a mental health standpoint, that's for sure. It was pretty bad there for a while and I had no idea what to do since asking for respite never amounted to any help.

Until the next time...

Just Keep Swimming

I can hardly believe how sporadically I've blogged since Zoe came to live here in September. It's only gotten worse since Ivy came to live here in February! I really need to blog more because it definitely helps...and it's really sad that I don't have time/energy to do it.

I don't remember it being this hard with the teenager and the little one last time, but this is a lot of work! Zoe has her medical needs, five day a week visits, school five days a week, and really isn't a great listener, especially when she is tired (which is most of the time because of her crazy schedule she has to keep because someone thought her mom needed to see her five days a week for three hours...it still sucks even after doing it for over seven months). I had NO idea what I was signing up for when I agreed to take Ivy. Unbeknownst to me, she has significant gaps in her social skills to the point that her guidance counselor told me they weren't sure she'd be able to live independently...say what?! I was totally unprepared for a 17-year-old with the maturity of a 12-year-old (my dad says she acts like she's 9 or 10, but I'll go with 12-13). It's not all her fault, but that doesn't make it any easier :(

Ivy has a guardian, but he is married, works full time, and has teenagers of his own. After my last counseling session, I asked if he and his family (sisters/brothers/nieces/nephews) could take her once a week for a few hours to help me in role modeling appropriate behavior so it isn't all on me. She annoys me so much and I feel bad saying it, but there really isn't much that is enjoyable about having her live here (other than knowing she is happy and that I'm "doing a good thing"). She irritates me even when she is sleeping, so I really hope that her guardian will get her counseling ASAP (as well as help me send her away to summer camp for a few weeks this summer...I can't wait for summer to be here so I can be with Zoe, but I'm kind of dreading summer with Ivy...can't have it both ways, unfortunately).

My family has been a huge help with Ivy (and Zoe) and I have a lot of support, but the day-to-day is still pretty stressful. Thankfully, work hasn't been awful, but I do work 12-hour shifts three days a week, so those days are tiring without having to come home to two former only children who want my undivided attention and I'm only one person.

Yes, I did sign up for this, so I often feel like I shouldn't complain (actually, one of my friends told me that God called me to do this and I obeyed, so maybe I can just blame Him ;) ) It's also difficult because my former teen doesn't seem to be doing so hot right now (my only "contact" has been seeing her bank account be depleted by her mom and her advisor telling me she's failing a couple of classes...hopefully she will graduate and be able to get out of the house, but things don't sound good). I try to quickly send away my guilty feelings about not being able to do anything for her right now because I'm stretched to the max with the two kids I have living here (I do pray for her and have sent a couple of texts, but that's about all I can do and I don't like that).

 Zoe is getting big (I think she weighs over 41 pounds now! She turned 5 last week) and her cystic fibrosis is finally under control. It took a LOT of work to get to a stable point and we are still doing nebulized antibiotics every day along with her 10 other medications, but she's pretty darn healthy by cystic fibrosis standards and I'm proud of that. Her verbal skills are coming along, although it's still frustrating that they wouldn't ever consider a speech evaluation and just chalk it up to being bilingual. I'm going to see if I can get someone to help me with my Spanish so we can practice that here at home too. I'm not sure what way this case will go, but I've experienced some reverse discrimination since I'm not Hispanic and don't speak Spanish (even though Zoe has me read books to her in Spanish all the time...I don't think I butcher them TOO badly!) The next hearing to talk about relative placement isn't until July 24 and it doesn't sound like they will try to place with mom before then, but who knows. (I'm trying not to think about the possibility of her going home and leaving me alone with Ivy...I don't know how I'd survive without a "buffer", but hopefully things will have drastically improved before it comes to that!)

Here are some pictures...it isn't ALL bad, but it's nice to get some of the stressful stuff off my chest :)

Until the next time...

Long Overdue

Zoe has lived with me six months today. Her schedule keeps me on my toes (treatments, medications, school, visits five days a week, plus being almost five!), but we have so much fun when we actually can spend time together :) The snow day pictures are from a couple weeks ago, but new to the blog :)

Her mom goes back to court on Friday. Her mom's lawyer is going to ask for her to be placed with mom's sister. Zoe's GAL came this morning and wouldn't tell me or my worker if he was in support of that move or not. However, he informed me that I will be called to the stand to testify and explain all of her treatments, medications, diet, and what her daily schedule looks like. Even though I know it by heart, it is still nerve wracking to think about speaking on the stand in front of people critiquing my every word. I know I need to stick to the facts and not put any emotion into my answers, but it isn't going to be easy.

This afternoon, we had a family team meeting. What I took away from that meeting is that the State isn't going to recommend placement with the aunt at court, but I am cautiously optimistic and know that I could easily be wrong. There was discussion about the case manager coming to see us at my house next week and a family team meeting next month, so hopefully I'm not reading too much into that (they also weren't quick to say that the aunt can provide supervision for the mom, so that also makes me think they aren't 100% on board with a move...at least not this week). The cultural liaison made a backhanded compliment saying that Zoe's mom just isn't as firm (aka parent-like ;) ) with her as I am to make her behave and she needs to work on that. Other than that, she didn't speak to me much. It's still annoying that she thinks three hour visits five days a week isn't enough, but I'm trying to just go with the flow as much as I can...it doesn't do any good to fight that which is out of my control anyway.

Ivy drives me bonkers a lot of the time, but she is making progress in some areas, so I need to take some deep breaths and try to focus on those. I find myself biting my tongue a lot and reminding myself to pick my battles and that some things just don't require a response. She is used to being an only child who could do pretty much whatever she wanted/eat whatever she wanted. She's a nice girl, but socially awkward with seemingly limited critical thinking skills. (I was told tonight that people with ADD have no filter, so that helps ;) ) Last week, she was fighting with Zoe because Zoe moved the hallway rug to be by her room instead of by Ivy's to the point that she took it from Zoe and hid it so she couldn't have it. I was sitting on the couch laughing and wondering if this was really happening. Tonight, she spilled an entire glass of milk all over the table, the floor, and the chair and chalked it up to being a klutz. Later during dinner, Zoe dripped a little bit of her milk and it was the end of the world and Ivy couldn't BELIEVE that Zoe would spill her milk like that, etc. because HERS was just an accident and Zoe was messing around. Seriously, this is happening in my house. She said she likes dinner better when it is just us and I wanted to tell her that Zoe was here first and dinner time was much less stressful before she came, but of course I didn't say anything. 

She is doing a lot better at cleaning up after herself (and putting away the dishes and laundry which is both of our stuff) and she actually tasted chili last night (she is super picky and rarely willing to try new things). Her grades were better this quarter than they were last semester, and she does seem happy (even though she complains a lot and gets all worked up over little things like Zoe moving my keys/putting her shoes in places where I can't always find them).

Some days are better than others, but such is life as a parent. I still believe that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, even though it is often exhausting and challenging to have so little control over what's going on in my life. I don't want Zoe to go home (or to her aunt's)...at least until Ivy stops driving me crazy because I need that buffer/distraction/reason to walk away. 

Things are still good, but I had no idea how hard this was going to be...even though there was no reason to think that parenting other peoples' children would be easy ;)

Until the next time...I could use some prayers/good thoughts, especially come Friday afternoon when I'm on the stand advocating for Zoe while just stating the facts. Court is at 1:15 CST.

Adjusting

Two things I need to remember:

Parenting is hard.
Parenting two kids who are not yours/you did not give birth to is hard.

Ivy moved in just over a week ago (on February 3). Apparently, she told everyone at school she is really excited to be living here (she even cried tears of happiness when talking to her English teacher about having her own room). I went to my/her high school fundraiser on Saturday night and I was thanked over and over for taking her in and told what a great thing it is. Those things definitely help and will also be things I need to remember as we adjust to living together (since she will be here at least 15 more months...not that I'm counting or anything).

She is a really picky eater and told my parents and me that she wasn't encouraged to try new things (really?!) She was super jealous that Zoe got to have a visit at McDonald's last week...um, not going there if we can help it! She loves sugary junk food and I don't think she's eaten a single vegetable since she's been here. My parents usually have dinner at their house on Sundays and they will help encourage her to try things/eat more healthy (love my parents!) She also doesn't seem accustomed to cleaning up after herself (as in, spilling milk from her cereal on the table and leaving it, not rinsing off her syrupy plate...) I have had her help clear off the dinner table/help with dishes, so I'm hoping the rest will come.

It's only been a week...baby steps...and lots of patience. But, I can see how someone not in the right frame of mind to be patient during a transition could freak out and be done with it/her.

Zoe's case has really been stressing me out and also really emotional. Sometimes I feel like I'm the one on trial with traps being set to see what I will do. I think the severity of her medical needs has been swept aside and the issue more often addressed is culture/language (which sometimes ends in pointed fingers that I am not bilingual or of her same culture...). I have been treated pretty poorly by the cultural liaison, but hopefully that has been addressed (not before lots of stress and tears).

Last week, I had to leave work because Zoe had a fever at school. My job is not really something you can leave in the middle of, but luckily someone was on call. Unfortunately, she had just left to walk her dog and was 20 minutes away from home. I need a better back-up plan, but who can (or wants to) watch a sick foster kid with medical needs? No one. So, it took me 2 1/2 hours to pick her up after the initial call that she had a fever. My patients were a mess and I felt awful leaving my co-worker to clean up everything. I hope she didn't have a horrible day. She was sobbing when I got there and did not look like she felt well at all, so I felt awful. However, she started talking as soon as we got in the car and the highest temperature I got at my house was 100.9 (it was up to 102.7 at school). She actually quietly played for a little while before I had her take a nap. I tried calling the case manager multiple times to cancel the visit and she finally responded with a text that they "don't cancel visits for that". I completely lost it and continued to cry for well over an hour. I had to wake her up to send her on a visit (which ended up being at McDonald's and then at her aunt's house with a five-month-old baby present...making matters even worse). So, I missed most of that day of work and had to call in sick on Friday which meant I only worked one shift and I doubt I have enough PTO to cover the rest of the hours not cool.

The tears were likely worse because the day before at our family team meeting, there was discussion about moving to semi-supervised visits which makes me want to vomit. Also, it "came up" during the meeting that her visit would be canceled, so I had to rearrange my entire afternoon AND evening in order to get her from school and get her treatment done and medication given (since I had already dropped everything off at the day care). The case manager said "so, can you get her from school?" I was kind of rude, but said "well, I'm not going to LEAVE her there!" I love spending time with Zoe and we had a good afternoon with Ivy (and also on Friday when Ivy happened to be off school too).

So, we are adjusting as good as can be expected I guess. I know things will get better (and worse, and better again ;) ). On Zoe's non-sick-sick day, we made a Valentine's Day canvas for her mom...since it was fun and also proof I'm not heartless. We also went to a bilingual show at the children's theater, so take that cultural liaison ;)

Your support and prayers are much appreciated!
Until the next time...

(I added 2013 to the bottom, but not her name since there

isn't one consistent spelling of it...nice since she's going to 

Kindergarten in the fall.)

Moving In

I found out on Thursday that Ivy's background check is complete, so she could move in whenever. I told her Guardian and he let her know. She was so excited that she texted me right away. Earlier in the week, she had asked to be my fb friend and she also posted right away on fb how excited she was to move in. Last night, she listed me as her "mother" on fb (so she is my daughter on mine...) I'm really glad she is so excited, but I'm really rather nervous about the whole thing!

The past week has been rough dealing with "the system" and running all around town for Zoe-related things. I've been told that Ivy is a laid back kind of girl and Zoe is REALLY good at transitions, so that helps a lot. I know that I just need to be patient with myself more than anything! The girls will be fine and everything will be great if we take things slowly and give each other time to adjust to the "new normal" that hopefully won't be "crazy town" for too long! I think that simply knowing that I will need to create balance for myself and both girls as well as understanding that things won't be "perfect" right away (or ever, because what's perfect?!) will help me a lot. Also, having a lot of support will be awesome :)

In Zoe news, we will have a family team meeting on Wednesday. The manager of her day care will be there and the new case manager has said it will be a meeting to iron out the details and get everyone on the same page. I'm really excited about that!

Well, there's the update from here. I pretty much cleared off the kitchen table and will tidy up the living room during Zoe's treatment in the morning. My bedroom remains a disaster and I need to get all my tax stuff together before next Saturday's appointment, but at least the (main level) "shared" areas will be presentable.

Your good thoughts and prayers for all of us during this transition are much appreciated :)

Long Overdue

I can't believe it's been over a month since I last posted, but it has been SO busy, that I can sort of believe it. I need to write my One Word 365 update, write about what I have chosen for 2013 (which I've ben changing pretty much daily, so who knows). I haven't written about Christmas or how things have been going...busy pretty much sums it up, but we have been having a lot of fun too.

Ivy decided that she wants to come live with me, but she doesn't want to live with my parents first which was an option on the table. Instead, she waits until her background check is done (or Zoe goes home...whatever happens first).

Court for Zoe is tomorrow. It is my understanding that "they" are still pushing for relative placement with the aunt. However, we did not have a "family team meeting" after the last hearing, her aunt has had one visit with Zoe (Christmas), and did not attend last week's Doctor's appointment. We also were assigned a new caseworker last Monday, but I have had no contact with her...really awesome that someone that's never met me or Zoe is going to speak to what should happen to her. I sent a letter to Zoe's lawyer (GAL) which my worker said was "excellent" detailing all of her medications, treatments, specialized diet, etc. I sent him an updated email yesterday with information from last week as well as the fact that her aunt wasn't at the appointment. Zoe has been gaining weight really well here, so they cut back on the calories in her supplement which is awesome :)

I have no prediction on what will happen at court tomorrow, but am praying for wisdom for all those making decisions and peace in the decisions that are made. It will be emotional no matter what happens. I don't have to go, but I'd rather hear things first hand (especially if it involves me packing all her belongings).

One of these days, I'll have to sit down and write some blog posts...but first I probably need to send my Christmas cards (and finish cleaning out Ivy's room...and clearing the clutter out of my bedroom...and making the kitchen table usable for dining...such is life ;) )

Until the next time...

Change Is Coming

Last Wednesday afternoon, I got a call from the Principal at my high school (also where "the teen" is a Senior...wow!). One of the Juniors (I'm going to call her Ivy) lost her mom right before Thanksgiving. She was a single mom whose parents had helped raise Ivy until they both died within the last two years. Her mom had one sister who is also deceased. It sounds like all she has is one first cousin (who lives 1200 miles away and has a baby with a brain tumor) and a couple second cousins, none of which are all that close. One of her second cousins became her Guardian and took her in while her mom was sick (she died within 5 weeks of finding out she had cancer). Unfortunately, his wife has a mental illness and lashed out at Ivy early last week and gave him an ultimatum that either Ivy goes or she does. Ivy has been living with her friend from school whose parents are going through a divorce. So, she needs a place to live and someone to love on her and help her "grow up"...and my name came up in conversations at the school. I said "sure" (of course!) and met Ivy last Friday. She actually was pretty open about herself and what had been going on (even though she is shy and likely a bit "socially awkward" among her peers). They were planning to give her a couple of options and let her decide.

Unfortunately, it hasn't been that simple. Because I am a foster parent (who has current placement), anyone over the age of 16 living here must have a background check. I COMPLETELY understand the rationale behind that, but background checks have been taking up to two months in my State. That is way too long for this girl to wait :( After some disheartening words from my mom and sister (both of them asked if I would get "paid" as their first response upon hearing her story...I wondered how it is that I am related to them :( ), my parents said that Ivy could stay with them until her background check is done and she can "officially" live with me. I talked to my caseworker today and she said that once it's in the works, she can hang out here and maybe even stay the night, I just can't leave her alone with Zoe and can't/shouldn't broadcast that she is "living" here. Of course, she still has to "choose" my home as where she wants to be, but things seem to be headed in that direction. I am meeting with her Guardian tomorrow to see what he thinks.

So, if you could be in prayer for her and for me as this will be quite an adjustment. I haven't yet told the teen that "her" room will no longer be "hers"...even though she hasn't stayed the night here in nearly three months. I have barely talked to her since Zoe came to live here, but did get to see her briefly last Monday. I hope she will be "ok" with it and understand that I will always be here for her and my door will always be open (and I have plenty of other places to sleep!)

Zoe is doing great. I (with the help of her teacher!) have kind of "chubbed" her up which is awesome! It is really important for kids with cystic fibrosis to have extra calories (and extra weight) to help fight off infections and grow :) She doesn't eat that well for her mom, but her mom also still struggles with her behavior during treatments (behavior that isn't seen when anyone else does them). The next hearing is January 15 and my guess is there will be enough information for them to send her to live with her aunt (or at least "give it the old college try"...I hope she does well, but I'm not convinced she can/will do all it takes to keep Zoe healthy).

We got pictures taken a couple of weeks ago and I got the disc back on Sunday. I don't "love" the way I look in most of them, but there are a couple that are "bloggable" which made me really excited. I wish I could post others because they turned out great, but at least I can post one or two :)

I'll try to be a better blogger ;) I need to do my "One Word  365" wrap up post!

5 Years of Blogging

Today is my Five Year Blogoversary! Wow. SO much has happened these past five years! I had no idea when I first started this blog (lovely first post here...it makes me laugh because I'm not sure ANY of my posts in the five years since then have been that short!) what I would write about, who would read it, or for how long I would keep it going.

The first three years were mostly posts about work. In case I haven't written about it recently, I'm a pediatric nurse. Those first three years had a number of rough spells and that first year brought the first anniversaries of the deaths of some of my favorite patients. I wrote about the struggles of little girls named "E" and "A" who have come close to death more times than anyone could imagine but, by the grace of God are still on this Earth touching the lives and hearts of everyone they "meet". I wrote about a patient who is now 4 1/2 but was "the baby" for months on here as he struggled. I was "for sure" that God brought his mom into my life so I could be there with her when she had to say good-bye.

I still write about work sometimes, but nearly two years ago, I was given a new role as a foster parent and so I wrote a lot about that journey. "The teen" (M) was 15 1/2 and a much different girl than she is now. "The little one" (L) was nearly 3 and now she's about to be 5. They lived with me for 16 months and the nearly 8 months since then have been posts about the ups and downs of post-reunification.

I've been the "one date wonder", "dated" someone for about 6 months, and "talked it out" here as I struggled with being okay with who I am despite others thinking they know what's best for me.

I've met some amazing people during these five years of blogging...some of them even "in real life" and are now my "real life friends".

I gained a brother-in-law, two nephews, and some "cousins-in-law". I also lost my grandpa. I have learned that even though my family drives me crazy sometimes (and I enjoy having a "safe" place to vent...sometimes I have thought about removing some of those posts, but I like having it documented so I remember how I got through things), they love me and I am so blessed to have them.

I have taken vacations to California, Nashville, Chicago, and Pittsburgh.

This may still be a pretty quiet place, but I am definitely okay with that! I come here and write for me (because I have way too many paper "journals" that I already don't know what to do with and can't imagine having 5 more years of them!) I learn from myself when I take the time to read old posts. I love seeing how far I've come and reminding myself about things I did/the way things used to be. I am so very blessed and it's nice to have those blessings and reasons to give thanks right here on my computer...especially on days that aren't very fun.

So, a very Happy Fifth Blogoversary to me...I'd do a giveaway, but wouldn't know what to give away and that isn't really what this blog is all about, so sorry ;) My favorite candies are Bottle Caps and Hot Tamales in case YOU want to send me a gift...ha!

Here's to (at least) five more years of writing here and continuing to wonder if I have anything to say...

A New Adventure?

Today was a crazy hectic day at work. Maybe because I'd had two days off or it was Monday or a combination of that and just busy patients, but it was pretty nuts. One of my patients was a cute baby girl who has a chronic illness and I suppose you would call "medically fragile". I have said that I wouldn't say I'd "never" take one of our transplant patients as a foster child, but it wouldn't probably be my first choice. However, hearing part of her story, I was thinking that I could take her (and her young mom) in and teach her mom how to care for her/bond with her and send them on their way. Of course, I've never met her mom and she never called today to check on her, so maybe it wouldn't end up like that, but I definitely thought about it (and said it out loud a couple of times).

With all that talking about being a foster mom, I shouldn't have been surprised that there was a voice mail on my cell phone when I got off work about a potential placement.

The caseworker called shortly before I got off, so I knew I had some time to think (at least the drive home!) I decided to call my sister instead of my parents and I'm really glad that I did that (I'm not sure why I did...I guess I went with my gut and it was right!) She actually had some REALLY good insight :)

The story is that this little one has a family who is planning to adopt him. However, the termination of parental rights will not happen until early summer. For some reason, he needs to be in my county and not in the county where the adoptive parents live. My agency would prefer the child stay within their agency (maybe this family just moved? I'm not sure and I guess it doesn't really matter that much.)

My sister made a good point that a 2 1/2 year old boy would keep me very busy. However, there is a (supposed) "end date"...and the "plan" is that he will leave here for an adoptive placement. Also, they said that he would go to the adoptive parents' home on weekends. Another good point from someone on twitter is that this is SO different than the girls' case that there is no competition/comparison.

My issue with saying "definitely yes" is that this week is super busy. I have tomorrow off, but am bringing the teen to a job fair. I work Wednesday and Thursday. Friday I made plans to bring both girls to a show at the children's theater. Saturday, I am meeting about my taxes, getting my hair colored, and going to a fundraiser at my high school alma mater where the teen will be volunteering. After that, I'm off Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

So, I said that if he could wait to be moved until Sunday, I'd take him. They were going to continue to look for someone who could take him sooner and let me know tomorrow what is decided. I feel badly that this kid would be going back in forth and my schedule is anything but "normal" so he'll have lots of time at day care during the week which stinks, but it does seem like it would be a good "second placement".

If it is to be, it will be, and I'll find out tomorrow. I'll post an update when I have time/information :)
Good night.

On My Mind

As I was painting my bedroom this afternoon, I realized that I have a lot on my mind. I was wishing I could "talk it out" while I painted and have it show up on my blog, but I'm not that technologically inclined...ha! I haven't been having trouble sleeping in recent days, but I feel like it would be good to lay it all out there, so to speak.

• I'm thinking about the meeting I'm planning to have with management. I need to get my notes organized. I need to figure out what my "goal" is going to be. I need to decide what I want to bring to the table. I'm not sure I can/should use other people's experiences/stories to validate what I have to say/as examples of why people don't trust them/times they de-valued our concerns. I have tried to keep my planning of this meeting on the "down low", but it came out yesterday at work to two people, making that 5 co-workers who know. I'm hoping they keep it quiet too because making it a "big deal" is not my goal (although I do want to make a difference and things better for all of us).
• I'm thinking about an email my mom sent me. I was on the offensive last week, so I called my aunt to read it to her before I did anything with it. My new nephew is due March 10. On March 3, there is an out-of-town (a 2-3 hour drive) shower for one cousin followed by a wedding reception for another cousin. My mom emailed me that my sister "obviously" could not go and that she wasn't making plans to go given the birth of the baby (even though the thought is that she'll probably have him in February due to her gestational diabetes). She wrote this to me: "Given what all is going on with that timing, you could determine if you would go or stay to help with the baby and/or the other nephew. Either way is "right"." Seriously, did she suggest I should skip the shower/reception because my sister could have had just had a baby/could be having a baby?! My aunt didn't think it deserved a response, but I emailed her back that I would finalize my plans when it gets closer.
• I didn't mention to my mom that I have pretty much told the agency that I would start accepting calls for placements. Technically, I have said that I am "almost ready" but they can call with any "perfect" placements and I have day care figured out (I think). My dad knows I'm close and I mentioned it to my aunt as well as on fb. I don't want to deal with any potential negativity from my mom, so she'll find out what the timing is right. My aunt mentioned that there are a couple of guys that she/her friends want me to meet, so I'm also thinking about that...although I'd rather not. I'm reading "Raising Abel" and sort of feeling inadequate and encouraged at the same time. I definitely don't see myself being able to handle what the author did, but I feel like I'm learning some tools that will help me with any future placement (since my first was really easy in the grand scheme of things).
• I'm thinking about the girls. When I did respite care on Friday night, the little boy asked for the little one the whole time. He didn't understand that she doesn't live here any more. I didn't really want to talk about being a foster child who goes home because I'm not sure he'll be going home. He was really good for me one-on-one, but he has a lot of behaviors stemming from whatever happened before he was born/in that critical time after he was born. I saw the teen's advisor after church and she said that the teen has slipped some in her grades/performance including not turning in homework. I haven't checked her grades this quarter because I don't know what I would do with the information. I want to trust her when she says she is doing fine and turning in her homework/trying her best and am afraid that is not what I will see if I look myself. I know she is in transition and it is out of my control. All I can do is remind her to do her best and know that I did everything I could while she was here to instill confidence and a desire to succeed.
• I'm thinking about the fact that I invited a bunch of people to my house on Saturday. I sent out seven invitations which is 14 adults and 12 kids (5 and under). There is a lot more I want to have done before then, but am scheduled to work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. My dad is going on vacation Wednesday, so I need to have the second coat of paint done tomorrow if I want him to help me move my furniture back. I think I may try to get tomorrow off work so I am not as stressed out trying to get things done on Tuesday after all my meetings and Thursday with working the days in between. I try not to voluntarily take days off so I can save my PTO for when we are forced off and I'll need hours in case my future kid gets sick/for my vacations.
• I'm thinking I probably should get off the couch and organize some papers...I'm a paper hoarder and very sentimental about "things" making it hard to get rid of things, but I'm trying!

Good night :) 

Changes Coming

Even though I'm really okay (or better than okay!), there are some things that I need to change this month. I've been keeping really busy, so busy that I'm hardly ever home, and when I am, I don't feel like doing much besides watch TV and read (mostly online, but also some of my book). I rarely eat at my kitchen table because it is completely covered in papers and other clutter. I can't see my bedroom floor and nearly everything that was moved out of my living room when I got my floors redone is still sitting in the basement. I made "pasta roni" yesterday, but that was one of the only times I have "cooked" during this past month. I'm not sure when I last went to the grocery store and I've been eating way too much fast food. I've also only been to work out once in the past five weeks.

So, I definitely need to make some changes in the way I am living. I feel at peace emotionally with the change that happened 32 days ago and now it is time to find out how to live with the other changes. I think I need to try to give myself at least one day a week when I don't jam pack it so full that I hardly know if I'm coming or going. It is challenging to be at home alone and finding that motivation. As I write this, I am remembering that I had similar challenges the last time I lived alone (which is probably why I weighed about 10 pounds more than I do now!) It is going to take some work, but I have been working hard at being okay emotionally, so need to fix this part too :) (of course as I type this, I'm eating Halloween candy...baby steps, baby steps!) As of right now, I don't have any plans on Thursday until the evening, so I need to make some kind of priority list and start plucking away at tasks that need to be done.

I may have an additional incentive since I did talk to the teen today. I returned her lap top to her since it is finally fixed (yay for it being a problem other than a virus that was still under warranty!) She is so sweet and we visited for about fifteen minutes. I think she would have talked to me longer, but I was trying to be respectful of the fact that she's a high schooler and I'm a "grown up" (even though I don't really look like one...ha!) and said good-bye after a quick hug and an "I love you" (okay, maybe I didn't really respect the high schooler...ha!) She said she thought her mom was leaving town this week some time and she is still planning to stay with me when that happens. She also confirmed that she would like me to bring her to her leadership conference at the university next week (an hour drive each way, so that will be some quality time for us). She still seems to be doing really well and appears happy. That makes this post-reunification so much easier to handle for me (as I wrote yesterday).

I talked to the caseworker when I got home to see if she had actually heard the leaving town date and also touch base with some questions I had about the teen staying here. I need to know contact numbers, the actual dates mom will be gone, and what, if any additional responsibilities I have. She said she was going to arrange it as if I am providing "respite care" (since she is technically still a ward of the State) so it will be the same as when she was living here as a foster child (I guess I'll also get some sort of stipend which I wasn't expecting, but will come in handy). She has been checking in on them frequently and things seem to be going well. I let her know that I can be available to the aunt who will be keeping the little one if she needs some help, but that it definitely won't work for me to keep her too with my schedule and the fact she isn't in any sort of day care/pre-school right now. She is going to let me know when she actually hears dates, but was thinking Thursday.

So, it will be nice to have the teen back in here my home, but I am realistic in knowing that it will be "different" this time...and not just since it will only be the two of us, not the three of us. My "plan" is to lay out some expectations of communication, but let her know that she will be able to have quite a bit of freedom if she wants it. She rarely left the house when she lived here before, but now she's almost 17 and some of her friends can drive. I would love to give her as much "social" time as she can during this week or so to remind her that she's a teenager and that's what the majority of teenagers do. I'm really excited about our upcoming time together (even though it is sad that their mom has chosen to leave town when her case isn't even closed, even if it is for a sick relative...I wonder how long she will really be gone).

Wow, this is a lot longer of a post than I was planning (why should I be surprised?!...ALL of my posts are long!) I saw something on twitter about something called "NaBloPoMo" which I guess is a commitment to blogging every day or something...maybe I'll try to do that as one of my "changes" too ;)

Good night.

We Have a Date

The caseworker met with mom today at noon to see how things were going with the boys and talk about transitioning the girls. We were all hopeful that the little one could go back first and then the teen a week or two after that. However, apparently mom was very opposed to that (I wasn't at the meeting, but the caseworker said she tried). So, both girls will be going home next Friday, September 30...nearly 16 months since they spent their first night here. I'm kind of numb at this point, but thankful that I have a week to prepare and very grateful for the extra time I was given with them. The caseworker told me she would be making frequent unannounced visits and told my agency worker she would be diligently checking school attendance records. I let them both know that I would be on the "safety plan" and I'm hopeful that we will remain in contact. I know that I need to establish clear boundaries and stick to them, so will need to spend some time thinking and praying about what things I would and would not be willing to do.

I was off all week long (I was called off on Monday and work the weekend), so we were able to spend some extra time together that I also wasn't anticipating. I'm going to say this is a good thing rather than thinking it will make the quietness even louder after being here all the time. I would appreciate your prayers for all of us during this next week and the days and weeks to follow as we adjust to the next phase of our lives.

Here is the Friday update on Sara (Gitzen Girl). She was in my dreams last night, so I thought maybe she had already passed away, but as of early this afternoon, she was resting, but holding on.

Last Night...or Not?!

Just over two weeks ago, I would have thought tonight would look different than it does. I have cried many tears and done LOTS of "talking it out" and "thinking it over". When I didn't cry at the family team meeting on Thursday, I thought that maybe it was going to be "ok". I was determined to make the most of the days we had left (cue the baseball game and spur-of-the-moment pop concert) and then came Friday when the "certainty" of them going home was no longer there (as well as being presented with an opportunity to not have an empty house for long...). So, I am once again left wondering what is going to happen at court tomorrow...and what will life be like after whatever decision is made. There will definitely be challenges if they DON'T go home, and other challenges if they do. If they don't go home tomorrow, then what will the "transition" look like and will the "unknown" be worse then them just spending their last night here tonight?!

I called the teen when I got off work. They had been to my house for less than 5 minutes. I told her I was stopping by my parents on the way home, but would be there soon. She said they were fine and that the little one did okay leaving her mom's house. I stayed longer than I thought, but got home about half an hour after my call. She was in her room with the music on and the little one was watching a movie. The teen had already given her a bath. Now, I don't think the teen has given her a bath since like August (except maybe once or twice when I had her baby-sit during an event or something). Then, she refused to respond to my knocking on the door even though I was at home nearly an hour before I tried. I know she needs space, but it was making me really sad that our "last night" was going to be like that. Eventually, she came out of her room and we spoke some words before she went back to her room. I made her CDs of the songs she listens to on my iPod. She requested a couple other songs that I had forgotten, so I made another one. I am grateful that our potential last night was not in silence. I had planned to write her a letter and really should have done that yesterday. I want her to know that I will always be here for her and will always love her, but think doing it in writing is more lasting. However, I'm really tired right now and don't think I can do it. Plus, it may be awkward to give it to her and then them not go home tomorrow...

Wait and see is all I can do right now...and get some rest so I don't have to wear sunglasses in the courtroom ;)

Good night.

Even More Confused

I was awakened at 1:30 this morning by the telephone ringing. I had no idea what time it was, so thought it was work telling me I was called off/on-call. I was surprised to hear an agency worker on the phone looking for a "couple day" placement for a "young man". I sleepily told her that I already had two placements and was "full" and she said they were just looking for ANY PLACE for this kid. I didn't ask how old or anything since I was scheduled to work today and tomorrow (plus, I technically am only licensed for two kids). I said sorry and went back to sleep.

I did get awakened again at 5:00 to be put "on-call". Our census is low and, unfortunately, many people, myself included, do not have PTO to cover these days of not working. Thankfully, the holiday will be on this pay check, so I won't have to use as much PTO. However, I took three days off during the next two weeks since I didn't know what was going to be happening in my life. Now, the bulk of those days off will be unpaid.

Anyway, since I was off, I had a lot of time to think. I decided to stay in bed until my body was ready to get up...that happened to be 11. I went to Mass at a different church because I didn't feel like running into anyone I knew. I'm usually one to talk, but I wasn't feeling it today. There is too much going on and I really need to sort things through in a "controlled" manner. I had a "leisurely" lunch before making a trip to the grocery store since our fridge was nearly empty. I picked up a little bit and paid some bills. I decided not to pack up the little one's things because it seemed like it would be more "traumatic" to have to unpack everything if they don't go home Tuesday than for me to have to quickly pack everything if they do.

My dad went to California with my grandma for my cousin's graduation. My grandma stayed, but my dad came home today. The neighbors were going to pick him up at the airport, but since I was home, I offered. I wanted to hear his "take" on this new placement idea and share the $hutterfly book I made for the little one anyway. When I had talked to my mom about getting a placement, she thought I should take a break. I was definitely leaning toward that. It seems like I would feel guilty filling their rooms so quickly. I know that no one can replace them, but it feels like lying when I say that I will always be here for them, that this will always be a safe place, but I am caring for other kids now. I am not sure what will happen when they go home and I'm not sure what I would do if they ended up back in care and my home was "full". I obviously couldn't put the new placement(s) out on the street, but it would be traumatic for them to have to go somewhere else. (See, I'm very confused, even though I have been thinking a lot!)

So, I was thinking that even if the girls go home on Tuesday, I would have to say that this placement sounds like a great fit, but this is not a great time. However, my dad was basically like "go for it!" He thinks it would be a different opportunity, but a good one (he also asked what my "boyfriend" thought...ha!)

Now, I am even more confused and have no clue what I will do. Of course, the decision will be make for me if the girls don't go home on Tuesday. I am feeling guilty about that too in that it will be my "fault" if they don't get to go home. The GAL got a great deal of her information from me to come to her conclusion to recommend against going home at this time. While I only told her the facts (I re-read my email today) and ultimately it is the judge's decision, I am still feeling some weight of that decision. I had resigned myself to the fact that they would be going home on Tuesday. They will be "ok" and they will be "safe". Of course, a lot of the rest of the situation makes me sad, but it is what it is and I know that we shared many happy moments together during this time.

As I was walking to my bed (over a few less papers than earlier today), I saw a bookmark we got from pastoral care for nurses' week. It reads "May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love." ~Mother Teresa Perfect timing or what?! I guess time will tell...and I have a couple of nights to "sleep on it" too.

Good night.

Now What?

Thursday we had a family team meeting. The service coordinator is recommending the girls (and their brothers) go home after court. In an effort to make the most of our time left, Thursday and Friday were jam-packed full! Thursday night, we went to a baseball game. The little one didn't sit very still, but after an hour-and-a-half of working on her hot dog, she finished it so we could have cotton candy. The teen invited a friend and we all had a good time.

Yesterday morning, we went and got pictures taken. My friend knows a photographer who also used to be a foster mom and a family support worker. So, she just charged me her sitting fee and will give me the disk. She took photos of the little one alone, the teen alone, the two of them together, and a couple of the three of us. I can't wait to see them. The teen is gorgeous and I especially can't wait to see hers! She was not warned she would be photographed, but she looked nice and was a trooper :)

We waited until after pictures to tell the little one about the concert. I video taped it and it was pretty funny, although she wasn't as excited as we thought she would be. Maybe she didn't quite get it because she did when we were there. We were WAY up high in the "nose bleed" section, but we could hear and see things pretty well. Plus, for less than $50 for three tickets, it was totally worth it :) The teen didn't really show her excitement, but she did take video and pictures, so I know she enjoyed herself and liked being able to experience it with her little sister (what kid gets to go to her first concert at 3 1/2?!) We had binoculars, but only used them a little bit. We didn't get back to my house until 11:30 PM, so it was a REALLY late night for the little one, and made for an extra early 5:30 AM alarm for me!

I found these pictures on my camera when I went to load the other ones. The teen must have taken them this morning before they left for their visit. I think the little one is folding a towel or something...

Okay, enough pictures...now to get to the title of this post ;)

Yesterday afternoon, my agency worker and the GAL came to my house. They were here to talk to me and to the girls. The worker arrived before the GAL and talked to me one-on-one about my plans for when the girls go home. She knows that I mentioned "taking a break". However, there is a 17-year-old with a 4-month-old who needs moved from her temporary placement and she was wondering about my interest in that. She told me to think about it over the weekend and get back to her. Having a teen and her baby is something that I have actually thought about. I think it would be a huge opportunity to impact both of their lives. Even with all of the struggles I have had this past year with "the system", KNOWING how much of an impact I have made in these girls' lives is such a blessing. But, I am if I may need "grieving time" and also a "mental break" before I could fully "be present" to this girl and her baby. I'm sure she is not quite like the teen who lives here currently. Helping her learn to be a good parent if she already thinks she knows what she is doing would be a huge challenge (especially since I've never parented a baby either!) It's a challenge that I think in the "right time" I would absolutely love to take on. But, is now the right time?!

Lots to think about...and I definitely did not see that coming!

The GAL is new and had never met me or the girls. Since the little one was sleeping and I thought the teen was resting, the three of us started talking. I had sent a report to the GAL, but kind of gave her an update on the family team meeting and how the girls were doing. I was surprised to find out that she was NOT going to recommend them go home on Tuesday. We (quietly) talked about this and that, but when I went to to get the teen to come talk to them, she refused. She was obviously upset, but would not come meet the GAL or anything. She mentioned something about us already doing enough talking or something like that. I'm not sure she could have heard anything, but likely assumed we were talking negatively, even though we really weren't. I had resigned myself to the fact that they were going home on Tuesday and I just needed to hope and pray that the teen can stand up for herself and that their mom agrees to getting help/support for herself and her family beyond money. I have heard that the judge is really unpredictable, so I have no idea how much weight the GAL recommendation versus the service coordinator's will come into play. I actually feel somewhat guilty that a lot of the information the GAL has came from me. I really wasn't trying to sabotage reunification, but I did state the facts--she does not take an active interest in  having any sort of contact with her daughters. She (almost) never calls them and it's almost like she is "supposed" to have visits instead of "wanting" them...if that makes sense. This month was a lot better, but initiating visits isn't something she did very often. If visits were missed, she never asked for time to get made up. The whole "bed thing" is annoying, but par for the course with her. Still, not a safety issue as I've been told for months.

So, will they or will they not go home on Tuesday? If they do not, then how angry will the teen be and what am I going to do with her for the summer? If they do, then do I immediately fill my house with another teen and her baby? When I mentioned the placement to my mom, she pretty much told me that everyone needs a break. So, maybe I already have my answer, but I do have a little more time to think. Plus, it's "off the table" if I still have these girls. I also thought I would like to keep my rooms open in case their mom really can't handle things...and it kind of seems "wrong" to in a sense "move on" so quickly.

Lots to think about and work is really crappy right now. Our census is low, so people are getting forced off and many of us do not have any PTO. On top of it, for "budget reasons", our manager is staffing to a minimum. Today was pretty bad and a lot of it would have been avoided if she hadn't taken away our nursing assistant for the day. All of us ran around like chickens with our heads cut off doing our best to care for these sick children and their families. It was not much fun, that's for sure. I would say that I would love to stay home tomorrow, but I took time off during the next two weeks that is already going to be partially unpaid (possibly completely unpaid if I get called off during the next week).

I had cool ranch doritos, rice, and a beer for dinner and am about to head to bed. I welcome any advice/suggestions/comments...wondering what I'm supposed to do now!

Good night.

One Week

I am having a hard time believing that one week from today (if things go they way I have been told they will go), my house will be quieter than it has been for nearly a year. No more teenager singing nearly 24/7 and giving me random facts like volcanos erupting in Iceland. No more constant chatter of a little one who tells random stories from months ago. No more TV and popcorn nights with the teen after the little one's in bed. No more snuggling on the couch with the little one when we weren't ready to get up for the day.

This "season" is coming to an end. Sure, I've been "preparing" for this time for nearly 12 months knowing it would happen some day. I definitely knew it was going to be hard. I know that I am "lucky" that our 12 months together has been so great...and that there are worse conditions they could be returning home to.

I don't have any regrets. I know that I gave it my all and showed these girls the love they deserve. All of us are better because of this time. It is really hard to see that their mom has not appeared to have changed at all. My heart hurts knowing what they are going home to, but then I am reminded that I am not here to "judge", she is still their mom, and she does love them.

They are still here, though, and it sounds like there will be recommendations for their mom to use me as a "resource" person or something along those lines. So, I don't think it will be "good-bye" forever, but it is still going to be different...and tough. We definitely have more memories to make in the time we have left with this "arrangement".

The teen and I have enjoyed a number of thunderstorms together during the past 12 months. One of the first things we did last summer was play in the rain (while the little one watched from the door in her bathing suit). Saturday night, we had another storm, but it didn't rain as much as we thought it was going to. She watched the lighting for an hour (nice little study break...ha!) and pointed out different things she saw in the clouds...she is so silly! As much as I love the little one, I have cherished the time when it was just the two of us. I am blessed that she enjoys spending time with me and sharing her accomplishments (last night, she messaged me to let me know she got a B on her Algebra final...awesome!) I am so proud of her and hope she is able to stay focused on her current goals and continue to strive for them. I also hope that she knows I will ALWAYS be here for her, no matter what. I am planning to write her a letter, but have not done that yet.

Last night, we had our "final" family dinner at my mom and dad's. The teen picked hamburgers for the menu. After dinner, my mom filled the pool for the little one and my nephew. It was actually quite chilly, but I kept my feet in it and you got used to it after a while. They had fun playing together. She has lots of memories of being with him and my sister since she watched her while I worked for the first 10 months. Little ones are so much fun and it has been great watching her grow and change. She talks non-stop and has the memory of an elephant (I'm excited about that ;) ). She says random silly things (this morning during breakfast, she asked who my cousin's prince was and excitedly answered her own question...guess you had to be there 'who's your cousin's prince?!...he is!', but it was super cute and funny ;) ) I put together a $hutterfly book for her with TONS of pictures of our "adventures" together (I had over 800 to choose from!) The front cover just has pictures of her and the back cover just has pictures of the two of us where I wrote "Years will pass, but no matter where life leads us, on these pages we will always be together. I love you "L", now and forever."

What a year it's been...only one more week.

Enjoying the Time

Yesterday I was SO crabby, so I went to bed at 10. I still think I need a nap today to rid myself of the crabbiness ;) The text message from Wednesday has me completely stressed out that some "random" text message (or phone call) is going to come and change my world as I know it. Yesterday, the day care was closed (I didn't know that when I scheduled myself to work...she wasn't even IN day care at that time!) and the teen is on Spring Break. So, I tried to get the day off since my mom and sister were busy and I didn't want the teen having to watch her for 13 hours. Plus, I had no clue if someone was just going to come get the girls randomly while I was at work and that thought made me ill. I know I should have just called in sick, but since I wasn't "sick", I always think that it's going to MAKE me sick if I do that! We had an "extra" nurse scheduled...or so I thought. I got a call at 5:00 AM telling me I could be "on call" which would have at least given me some extra sleep that was really needed. Then, I got a call at 6:00 AM telling me I had to come in (and be there by 7). Needless to say, I was super crabby when I got there and it was a super busy and not at all fun day...and probably wouldn't have been a great day even if I had been there with a positive attitude (which I was not).

All day long, I was stressed out that one of the times I checked my phone (we aren't supposed to have them with us), there would be a message from someone. But, my anxiety was for nothing because I heard from nobody--not their mom, not the service coordinator, and not the caseworker (even though I left her three messages). When I got home, I asked the teen if she had talked to her mom and she said she had thought about calling her, but I don't think she actually did ("red flag" or "teenager"?!) My parents did pick them up for dinner and both my mom and I checked in on them periodically, so I did feel a little bit better about leaving them alone for 13 hours!

When I got home, they were playing outside in the backyard, which I thought was really nice. After I played for a little while, we came inside to color Easter eggs. The teen didn't want to help us, but the little one and I had a fun time (even though we did it "super fast"). It was a kind of stressful bed time, since she kept asking what we were going to do "after this nap". I guess I could honestly tell her I didn't know, but the not knowing is really not enjoyable.

Once it hit 8:15 AM, I decided that their mom wasn't going to call to come get them today (or ask me to bring them)...or, if she did, then that was too late of notice for us and it wouldn't work with "our plans". So, I woke up the little one by telling her we were going to see her friends and go on an Easter egg hunt. She woke right up in a pleasant mood and we were off by 9:20 :) I left a note for the teen letting her know where we were and we left for the morning/early afternoon. She didn't want anything to do with the finding eggs (or picking the eggs up off the ground as the case was for the "hunt"), but did have fun getting her face painted (she wanted a "heart" and a "shirt" on her cheeks...ha!), playing carnival games, and jumping in the bouncy castle/house. We had BK for lunch (I have had entirely TOO many French fries the past two weeks...yikes!) and got home by 2:00 for her nap. I've only briefly seen the teen since I've been home, so am not sure if her mom called while we were gone (or if she called her). Again, I have no idea what the plans are for them tomorrow. In my opinion, it's kind of late notice to "plan" anything, but if she comes to get them before we leave for 11:00 church and can get them back here "at some point", than that is fine. However, I am not bringing them anywhere besides church and my family gathering(s).

I "strongly dislike" having no idea what is going on and feeling like I have no control. However, I know I need to focus on the time we have and was encouraged by the conversations I had with the GAL this week. Nothing "permanent" can happen without a court order and that date is currently set for May 31. So, I need to enjoy this and let go of the anxiety as much as possible. I think it's time for a nap :)

I love how close the scissors are ;)

She LOVED this :)

I did let her wear brown shoes with her black tights ;)