She's Gone

Ivy came to live here just over 6 months ago.  It was challenging from the beginning. I kept thinking things would get better, but they never really did. On June 17th, I bawled all the way through my therapy appointment and she asked me the "real" question...why can't I just be a stepping stone for her to a place that fits her better? After months of misery, suffocating, drowning, feeling "stuck" in a hopeless situation, I finally got my "out"...and my family agreed that I was neither a "quitter" nor a "failure". Her needs were just MUCH too great for me, especially with working 12-hour shifts and having a medically needy foster child who gets visitation 5 days a week. I stressed out as much about her when I was away as when I was home. I didn't enjoy anything about having her here. She made it much more difficult to deal with Zoe and her needs, especially since I had no reserve left to tolerate any of her "behaviors". It has been awful.

So, on June 17th, I told her Guardian (her second cousin) I couldn't take it anymore, she needed to be placed elsewhere. Just over SEVEN weeks later, she moved into a group home. In those 7 weeks, I continued to get minimal/no support/respite from him or other members of his/her family. Those weeks were somewhat better since I knew an end was in sight, but very frustrating because that should have been the time I got the MOST help. Instead, I had to try and act like I wanted her here (which I wasn't very successful at doing) while her Guardian and the therapist tried to convince her that moving out was her idea and the best thing. Her Guardian did not seem to feel any sense of urgency and took weeks to fill out the appropriate paperwork (very frustrating seeing as when his wife had enough after a couple of weeks, they just kicked her out...and then it was presented to me that his wife was the "bad guy")

She will be much better off in a group home setting with more supervision and built in social. She has a lot of characteristics of Asperger's and has minimal insight/problem solving skills (yet her Guardian decided during the 7 weeks I waited for her to move that her having a driver's license was a good idea...one of the few things that could have made things more stressful). Her parting gift to me was washing and drying a towel filled with glass she had accidentally broken and didn't tell me about (she also took the bathroom rugs, towels, and toothbrush holder even though they weren't really "hers"). I wish I could say that I miss her, but I really don't miss anything about having her here...hopefully some day I can look back and find something positive to say about these six months, but right now, I'm just happy she is gone (and in a much better place).

Now, I have to focus on Zoe for however long she will be in my home. There was a placement hearing July 24 to discuss placing her with a relative. I was told to be prepared to testify, but didn't end up having to do that. It was a very stressful 20 minutes as we waited for the Judge's decision, but he decided not to allow a change in placement at this time. The next hearing to discuss placing her back with her mom is October 29, so I will at least have her until then. She has gained about 10 pounds in the 11 months she has lived with me and grown about 2 inches. Her vocabulary and language is improving all the time and I think her behavior will get better now that she's the only child in the house again (she was fine until there were two and then part of it was her and part of it was me just being to stressed [and likely depressed] to be able to handle it appropriately). She can name nearly all 11 of her medications and I believe could even tell you what order they go in. She is starting Kindergarten on the 14th and is happy about her "new teacher", "new school", and "Dora backpack". She's obsessed with the "Wizard of Oz" and also has been watching "Annie" and "Snow White". She doesn't really know (and neither does her mom), but I got permission to take her on an airplane vacation next month and am SO excited! I'm very much looking forward to it just being the two of us, even though I feel like I'll barely see her since school is 9:05-3:55 and she has visits 4-7 on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday plus visits 4:30-7 on Saturdays. I'm putting her in dance on Wednesday nights, so that will be "our" time.

I'm hoping to be a better "blogger" once school starts and I likely end up with more "down time" than I know what to do with ;) I joined a foster parent group on "fb" and that has been a great support to me during this time (and the time to come since, if I had to guess, I'd say Zoe would be home by Christmas).

So, it's been crazy around here, but that's what's been going on. I'm feeling a lot better from a mental health standpoint, that's for sure. It was pretty bad there for a while and I had no idea what to do since asking for respite never amounted to any help.

Until the next time...

This Too Shall Pass

Maybe one of these days I'll get back to writing regularly. I know it has helped in the past when things have been challenging, but lately I just watch TV or take naps (although I have been reading a book, so maybe I'll also get into reading books too).

Things got even more crazy in the 2 1/2 weeks since I last wrote here. I got an email from the student advocate at Ivy's school, which is also the school where "the teen" is a senior (and where I went to school). Apparently, the teen is failing a number of classes and refuses to go in for help/do extra credit. Calls to her mom go unanswered and she is on a path of not being able to graduate. She asked if maybe I could try talking to her. I'd already been feeling guilty about not staying in touch, feeling resentful that Ivy lives here when I would much rather have her, and that email just sent me over the edge. I cried for hours, but got some great advice, one being simply "it's not your fault". Even though it was hard to swallow, that's the truth...and, also, she could still be acting like this even if I had stayed in touch (and then I would have felt like a failure instead of guilty, so maybe this is better...ha!) So, I figured out a way to arrange to meet her last week for coffee. She has somehow convinced herself that she will pass/graduate and that's all that matters. I'm not sure that's the case or if she just thinks they will make an exception for her (which they won't considering she has refused to put forth any effort). It was really hard seeing her like that, but also not pushing the issue by simply just reminding her how many sacrifices have been made to allow her to attend that school (she paid $50/month plus books to attend this year and someone else picked up the tab on the rest...she went mostly for free last year and her former foster family paid for the first three semesters...so, LOTS of sacrifices!) When she lived here, she had plans to go to the University and make a name for herself...I knew her mom was a "dream stealer", but I thought she had more fight in her than that. I helped her open a bank account last summer when she lived here and made myself the adult on her account since her mom is not responsible with money. Well, that backfired and she constantly sent it into overdraft these past couple of months. Today, I paid off the negative balance ($15.05) and closed it...after I had given her $200 to open it and she worked her tail off last summer with plans to save for college. I miss her so much and pray that some day she will once again realize that her dreams do matter and there can be more to life than living in the projects solely off government assistance. I did get to see her sister for the first time since August. She was really sweet, but also is going to have issues as she will start kindergarten in the fall without having had any sort of structure/schedule for two years.

Such is life post-reunification, right?! :(

This has been a good week with Ivy, but it's still been pretty rough. I had more than a couple of meltdowns and called her guardian last Saturday telling him that I'm not a quitter, but this is really hard. I think one of my big issues is that I didn't know I was signing up for this at all. She has way more issues than I could have imagined and I wasn't planning on being "the one" to give her the skills necessary to live independently. It has been a huge weight and I haven't been in a great place, especially after that "went down" with the teen (and the stuff going on with Zoe which is next). I hate feeling resentful and stressed out all the time. However, I have been asking for help quite a bit and everyone, especially her guardian, understands what a challenge she is. So, he (finally) got her into counseling and she started that a week ago. She likes the therapist and it sounds like they got quite a bit accomplished in the first meeting. We agreed that she's likely depressed (duh, she lost her grandparents, her mom, has no dad, no one in her extended family could/would take her, and she's living with a stranger...yeah, depressing!) and also really immature. She went back on Monday for personality testing, and maybe some other screenings to get more information. I am to go with her next Tuesday. One of her cousins took her shopping on Monday for Prom attire since it's this weekend. She'd been wishy washy about going which was also stressful to me because I have stuff going on this weekend that she technically would be able to attend with me, but I'd rather her not. She doesn't have many friends and couldn't find anyone to go with her. Yesterday, the person she was going to go with bailed, so she had all the stuff and no one to go with, so was pretty bummed. Today, someone else invited her into their group and they had all their plans in place, so now she is excited again. They are girls that I know since they go to my church, so that's cool that they stepped it up and invited her. I'm not sure how that all panned out since she is pretty awkward, but they are all nice girls and will be kind. It's nice to see her excited about things and I hope she does have fun.

Zoe, oh my little 5-year-old ball of energy. She's crazy and doesn't listen well at all, although I definitely try to keep her in line (and try not to yell, but it's really hard some times!) She still gets visits five days a week which is still annoying and makes for a lot of transitions. Maybe it will be better now that she will just come here for her treatment on days that I'm off instead of the extra transition to day care for her treatment and then back to my house. Last week, the case manager apparently accused me of sabotaging reunification and didn't talk to my foster care specialist or to her supervisor, but to the supervisor above her. All that because I nixed the idea of her mom coming to my house for visits?! Come on...a little hard to set boundaries when you don't speak the same language! Then, she tried to get my case manager removed from the case the following day because Zoe's mom thinks she looks mean and she thought she wasn't fair in wondering how/why Zoe's mom doesn't know more English when she's been here over 5 years and her daughter has significant medical needs. In neither case did she speak to us directly about her issues with us which is so childish. I've been bullied a lot in this case which is really frustrating. I didn't DO any of this (give her CF, have her mom be a single parent with limited skills, remove her from her home...), so really don't deserve any of this kind of treatment! Trying to manage her medical needs, her transportation, rearranging schedules when her mom cancels visits at the last minute, etc. is plenty without having other professionals tell me I'm not being patient/open/flexible/understanding enough. With the calls to the supervisor last week, I was nervous about the review hearing that was this past Monday. I hadn't been at all concerned since the next hearing to discuss relative placement isn't until the end of July, but it had me worried they were going to move her in some kind of vindictive move against me and my foster care specialist even though changing placement now would not be in her best interest. Thankfully, it sounds like things at court (mostly) remained professional. It came out that Zoe's mom has a VERY low IQ, so it will be interesting how/if that changes the way things are done/permanency plans. It doesn't really sound like she has enough intelligence to be able to grasp how/why Zoe needs special care. However, I suppose if she finds a stable person to live with, then maybe they will still plan for permanency with her, but they are not planning to review the case for SIX months (but still doing the hearing in July...the relative has kind of been MIA for a few weeks, so that doesn't look all that awesome either, but there is still time).

So, there have been lots of rough patches lately and I've still mostly been taking it day by day (that's all you can do, right?!), but so grateful for all those who help me get through each day (sometimes it takes more than one person to get me through a day!) I'm trying not to feel guilty about the teen and remind myself that she's 18, she had 16+ months of living with my love and encouragement and it is her turn to take that into her life away from here and know that I'm here no matter what (even when it's hard and I have to close her bank account). I've gotten lots of encouragement with the Ivy issue and a friend today told me that my job is mostly to model how a happy successful adult behaves and taking breaks from her (and Zoe) is part of that. Her guardian told me something similar. I'm looking forward to Zoe being out of school and hopefully am given the opportunity to spend more quality time with her and work on her behaviors/language skills that will make kindergarten tough if they remain the same. (Not so excited about Ivy being out of school for the summer, but hopefully she will have activities to keep her busy too!)

Hopefully I can write the post that's in my head related to community some time soon (even though this post included some of my thoughts).

Until the next time...

Just Keep Swimming

I can hardly believe how sporadically I've blogged since Zoe came to live here in September. It's only gotten worse since Ivy came to live here in February! I really need to blog more because it definitely helps...and it's really sad that I don't have time/energy to do it.

I don't remember it being this hard with the teenager and the little one last time, but this is a lot of work! Zoe has her medical needs, five day a week visits, school five days a week, and really isn't a great listener, especially when she is tired (which is most of the time because of her crazy schedule she has to keep because someone thought her mom needed to see her five days a week for three hours...it still sucks even after doing it for over seven months). I had NO idea what I was signing up for when I agreed to take Ivy. Unbeknownst to me, she has significant gaps in her social skills to the point that her guidance counselor told me they weren't sure she'd be able to live independently...say what?! I was totally unprepared for a 17-year-old with the maturity of a 12-year-old (my dad says she acts like she's 9 or 10, but I'll go with 12-13). It's not all her fault, but that doesn't make it any easier :(

Ivy has a guardian, but he is married, works full time, and has teenagers of his own. After my last counseling session, I asked if he and his family (sisters/brothers/nieces/nephews) could take her once a week for a few hours to help me in role modeling appropriate behavior so it isn't all on me. She annoys me so much and I feel bad saying it, but there really isn't much that is enjoyable about having her live here (other than knowing she is happy and that I'm "doing a good thing"). She irritates me even when she is sleeping, so I really hope that her guardian will get her counseling ASAP (as well as help me send her away to summer camp for a few weeks this summer...I can't wait for summer to be here so I can be with Zoe, but I'm kind of dreading summer with Ivy...can't have it both ways, unfortunately).

My family has been a huge help with Ivy (and Zoe) and I have a lot of support, but the day-to-day is still pretty stressful. Thankfully, work hasn't been awful, but I do work 12-hour shifts three days a week, so those days are tiring without having to come home to two former only children who want my undivided attention and I'm only one person.

Yes, I did sign up for this, so I often feel like I shouldn't complain (actually, one of my friends told me that God called me to do this and I obeyed, so maybe I can just blame Him ;) ) It's also difficult because my former teen doesn't seem to be doing so hot right now (my only "contact" has been seeing her bank account be depleted by her mom and her advisor telling me she's failing a couple of classes...hopefully she will graduate and be able to get out of the house, but things don't sound good). I try to quickly send away my guilty feelings about not being able to do anything for her right now because I'm stretched to the max with the two kids I have living here (I do pray for her and have sent a couple of texts, but that's about all I can do and I don't like that).

 Zoe is getting big (I think she weighs over 41 pounds now! She turned 5 last week) and her cystic fibrosis is finally under control. It took a LOT of work to get to a stable point and we are still doing nebulized antibiotics every day along with her 10 other medications, but she's pretty darn healthy by cystic fibrosis standards and I'm proud of that. Her verbal skills are coming along, although it's still frustrating that they wouldn't ever consider a speech evaluation and just chalk it up to being bilingual. I'm going to see if I can get someone to help me with my Spanish so we can practice that here at home too. I'm not sure what way this case will go, but I've experienced some reverse discrimination since I'm not Hispanic and don't speak Spanish (even though Zoe has me read books to her in Spanish all the time...I don't think I butcher them TOO badly!) The next hearing to talk about relative placement isn't until July 24 and it doesn't sound like they will try to place with mom before then, but who knows. (I'm trying not to think about the possibility of her going home and leaving me alone with Ivy...I don't know how I'd survive without a "buffer", but hopefully things will have drastically improved before it comes to that!)

Here are some pictures...it isn't ALL bad, but it's nice to get some of the stressful stuff off my chest :)

Until the next time...

Adjusting

Two things I need to remember:

Parenting is hard.
Parenting two kids who are not yours/you did not give birth to is hard.

Ivy moved in just over a week ago (on February 3). Apparently, she told everyone at school she is really excited to be living here (she even cried tears of happiness when talking to her English teacher about having her own room). I went to my/her high school fundraiser on Saturday night and I was thanked over and over for taking her in and told what a great thing it is. Those things definitely help and will also be things I need to remember as we adjust to living together (since she will be here at least 15 more months...not that I'm counting or anything).

She is a really picky eater and told my parents and me that she wasn't encouraged to try new things (really?!) She was super jealous that Zoe got to have a visit at McDonald's last week...um, not going there if we can help it! She loves sugary junk food and I don't think she's eaten a single vegetable since she's been here. My parents usually have dinner at their house on Sundays and they will help encourage her to try things/eat more healthy (love my parents!) She also doesn't seem accustomed to cleaning up after herself (as in, spilling milk from her cereal on the table and leaving it, not rinsing off her syrupy plate...) I have had her help clear off the dinner table/help with dishes, so I'm hoping the rest will come.

It's only been a week...baby steps...and lots of patience. But, I can see how someone not in the right frame of mind to be patient during a transition could freak out and be done with it/her.

Zoe's case has really been stressing me out and also really emotional. Sometimes I feel like I'm the one on trial with traps being set to see what I will do. I think the severity of her medical needs has been swept aside and the issue more often addressed is culture/language (which sometimes ends in pointed fingers that I am not bilingual or of her same culture...). I have been treated pretty poorly by the cultural liaison, but hopefully that has been addressed (not before lots of stress and tears).

Last week, I had to leave work because Zoe had a fever at school. My job is not really something you can leave in the middle of, but luckily someone was on call. Unfortunately, she had just left to walk her dog and was 20 minutes away from home. I need a better back-up plan, but who can (or wants to) watch a sick foster kid with medical needs? No one. So, it took me 2 1/2 hours to pick her up after the initial call that she had a fever. My patients were a mess and I felt awful leaving my co-worker to clean up everything. I hope she didn't have a horrible day. She was sobbing when I got there and did not look like she felt well at all, so I felt awful. However, she started talking as soon as we got in the car and the highest temperature I got at my house was 100.9 (it was up to 102.7 at school). She actually quietly played for a little while before I had her take a nap. I tried calling the case manager multiple times to cancel the visit and she finally responded with a text that they "don't cancel visits for that". I completely lost it and continued to cry for well over an hour. I had to wake her up to send her on a visit (which ended up being at McDonald's and then at her aunt's house with a five-month-old baby present...making matters even worse). So, I missed most of that day of work and had to call in sick on Friday which meant I only worked one shift and I doubt I have enough PTO to cover the rest of the hours not cool.

The tears were likely worse because the day before at our family team meeting, there was discussion about moving to semi-supervised visits which makes me want to vomit. Also, it "came up" during the meeting that her visit would be canceled, so I had to rearrange my entire afternoon AND evening in order to get her from school and get her treatment done and medication given (since I had already dropped everything off at the day care). The case manager said "so, can you get her from school?" I was kind of rude, but said "well, I'm not going to LEAVE her there!" I love spending time with Zoe and we had a good afternoon with Ivy (and also on Friday when Ivy happened to be off school too).

So, we are adjusting as good as can be expected I guess. I know things will get better (and worse, and better again ;) ). On Zoe's non-sick-sick day, we made a Valentine's Day canvas for her mom...since it was fun and also proof I'm not heartless. We also went to a bilingual show at the children's theater, so take that cultural liaison ;)

Your support and prayers are much appreciated!
Until the next time...

(I added 2013 to the bottom, but not her name since there

isn't one consistent spelling of it...nice since she's going to 

Kindergarten in the fall.)

Dealing with a Bully

I suppose I'm lucky that I never experienced bullying growing up (and REALLY grateful I don't have to grow up during a time when cyber bullying is everywhere). I'm also lucky that I work in a place that, while it is often gossip laden (hello...nursing is almost all females and females just like to gossip, I guess), has not been a place that I have been bullied (at least not without it getting quickly stopped). I'm also grateful that I have gotten a lot stronger in being able to stand up for myself and my needs (thank you years of therapy and dealing with a narcissistic biological mom for 16+ months).

With that being said, I am saddened that I have constantly been bullied by someone who works for the agency that pretty much runs the foster care system in my State. The cultural liaison has been on my case from the beginning, making jabs at me, trying to make me look bad in front of other professionals, making me feel guilty for wanting to spend time with Zoe, etc. This weekend, though, she took the bullying to a whole new level and my caseworker is PISSED! We got a new case manager last week and she is aware of past behaviors and received multiple calls and texts from me this weekend about what occurred.

Zoe has visits with her mom five days a week (yes, it totally sucks!). She goes to school from 9-3:30, then gets picked up and has a visit with her mom until 7:00. Drop off at my house is between 7:15 and 7:30 (or she stays at the day care until I pick her up at 8 after work). So, she has LONG days. I often work at least one of the weekend days, so those days she is at day care from 6:15 AM-8:00 PM (thankfully, she loves the kids at the day care and is an angel when her mom isn't around, so they are okay having her for that long :) )

Zoe's mom canceled her visit on Thursday which left me scrambling to find her a ride from school to day care (God bless the woman I met at Curves who got a background check and has been helping me with transportation). Then, she canceled her visit again on Friday which meant I had to back out of judging Junior High history projects that I had agreed to do.

On Saturday afternoon, I received a voice mail from the cultural liaison while I was at work. She wanted to know if Zoe could have a visit with her mom on Sunday (to make up for the two she canceled...seriously?!) I called my caseworker and the case manager to see what the deal was and pumped myself up to call this woman back because I knew I needed to stay strong. Zoe and I had plans on Sunday to attend a party and then have family dinner with my parents, but I decided I could let her go from 3-5:30. She informed me that the visits were canceled since mom got a new job and it was really important she gets to see her daughter (even though she had gone to the school twice to see her and had visits on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, so it isn't like she hadn't seen her in a long time). I let her know that we did have plans, but she would be available for a little while.

Then, on Sunday morning, the cultural liaison called me while we were at church. She said she couldn't transport/supervise the visit and asked if I could. Are you kidding me?! Her mom doesn't speak a lick of English and is mentally ill. Zoe speaks Spanish when she's with her mom and also acts like a maniac. Why in the world would I subject myself to that? I called the case manager and she said I could say no and told me thank you for being flexible. When I called the cultural liaison to tell her I couldn't/wouldn't do that, she tried to bully me into it. She told me that I should try to have a better relationship with Zoe's mom (hello, learn English and I'll learn Spanish?) and that "most" foster parents would supervise. She pretty much told me I was a bad foster parent for not wanting to make this happen, but I stood my ground and said I did not feel comfortable supervising a visit (plus, it was last minute notice and I had agreed to make Zoe available for a visit). I'm proud of myself for standing up for myself (and for not crying!) I let my caseworker and the case manager know that I felt she did this to try to set a trap for me and that she pretty much said I was a bad foster parent and I don't deserve to be treated that way. I really like the new case manager and I hope she will be able to get this woman under control and let her know she cannot treat foster parents like crap.

In other news, we had a family team meeting scheduled for last Tuesday. The new/old case manager (she was on the case from January 1 until last Tuesday) and the new case manager were there along with my caseworker and myself. The mom couldn't come and neither could the cultural liaison (I think this is the third family team meeting the mom has missed, there wasn't one in December, and we had our first one in September, so these "family team meetings" have rarely included her mom). So, we were able to talk freely. At that time, I informed the new case manager of some of the issues I had already had with the cultural liaison and concerns I have about the case and plans for moving forward. She told me (and my caseworker) that she didn't think the relative would qualify to provide relative placement (or adoption if this eventually ends in termination...I'm not sure Zoe's mom will ever be able to care for her special needs). That was quite a different story than I'd heard for the past four months. She wasn't sure if there was a concurrent plan, but asked if I'd be willing to adopt Zoe if the case ends up going that way (which would take YEARS). I said of course (as long as she can still have Medicaid since there is no way I can afford her medications or her medical day care).

Zoe is still super fun, even though she keeps me really busy (not just her...all the phone calls and arrangements that I have to do while she's at school all day long!) Since her mom canceled her visit on Friday and I was off, we made a quick stop at the Zoo and went out to dinner. Here are some pictures. I love shopping for her and she always gets compliments on her clothes and shoes :)

Worried for Nothing

I was running a little behind this morning getting Zoe ready for school, her treatments and medications given, and getting myself ready for court. After I dropped her off at school, I realized that I was still wearing the purple moccasins I put on to take out of the trash instead of dress shoes...oops. Thankfully, I made it there on time...only to discover that there wasn't really a hearing today.

We thought it was an evidentiary hearing (because that's what the Judge said in December) to talk about placement with her aunt. I was there, along with my worker, her mom, aunt, and the cultural liaison. It turned out just to be a check/review with only attorneys and workers talking to the Judge. So, I think everything is going to stay the same at least until the actual evidentiary hearing on March 8.

Unfortunately, the non-hearing hearing wasn't without drama. I have had issues with the "cultural liaison" since the beginning. She seems to not like me for some reason and I guess the feeling is mutual. She always seems to find really hurtful things to say (which then upsets me more that I let her get to me). She also has NO CLUE what it takes to take care of Zoe and refuses to acknowledge the fact that her mom HAS NOT been taking good care of her for the past four years which is why she is so sick now. Yes she has a chronic, progressive disease, but one of the big reasons she is so sick this early in her life is because of medical non-compliance on the part of her mom. Today, my worker pointed out that her mom continues to be non-compliant with Zoe's specialized diet. The cultural liaison said something to her mom which had an excuse and then she basically told us we were wrong...even though I have a notebook with (nearly) every single thing her mom has given her to eat and drink the past 4+ months. Then, she said something to me that I found rude/hurtful (my worker didn't think she meant it this way, but I did)--she basically said that the only reason Zoe hasn't been in the hospital since she's been with me is because I have a "relationship" with the team (as in, her mom wasn't given a chance to properly take care of her outside the hospital or something else equally ridiculous).

It is so frustrating that she sees me as the bad guy for some reason. She "reminds" me all the time that Zoe should be with her family. I agree that kids should be with their family IF they can properly take care of them! Her mom gets visits five days a week from right after school until 7:00. So, after her visits, I have to get her a snack, bath, book, and to bed at a decent hour (try to anyway). On the mornings I am off, I get her up, get her treatments done and medications given and get her to school. She thinks her aunt should have visits separate from her mom, meaning weekend visits. I'm all about Zoe getting to see her family, but I don't want to be her chauffeur and the one doing all her "cares" and never get to just "be" with her or do any sort of entertainment activity. We both like to go places--shopping, out to eat, to the Zoo, the Children's Museum, shows at the children's theater, play with my friends' kids and my nephews, etc. and it is already limited to the weekend (if I'm off!) because we can't do anything during the week (I can't do really anything during the week either!) I DO understand that she's "not my kid", but this schedule would be completely impossible if I had other children/responsibilities. Pretty much my entire life revolves around Zoe, so I don't feel guilty about feeling "entitled" to some fun times with her.

Anyway, that's a super long post about how "nothing" happened today and I should have Zoe for another two months. She still has a lung infection, but they are going to let me continue to treat her at home with nebulized antibiotics and oral antibiotics...such is life with cystic fibrosis :(

Until the next time...

Trying to Trust

Tomorrow morning, Zoe's mom goes to court. Even though the caseworker (confidentially) told me that they are not recommending Zoe go live with her aunt at this time, I still have no idea how it is going to go. Her reasoning when we spoke last weekend was because of the aunt being "undocumented". While that's all fine and dandy because I don't think Zoe should leave my home any time soon, I don't like that immigration status is the reason. The reasons should be the fact that her aunt has not been involved in her cares and her mom is still being non-compliant with her treatment, medications, and diet.

I pushed for her mom to be able to do her evening treatment and administer medications at the day care Monday through Friday at the end of her visits (which are Monday through Friday from 4-8 after she goes to school from 9-4 which totally sucks in my opinion). Zoe is completely out of control and the treatments that take 30-45 minutes take 60-90 minutes for her with Zoe screaming and crying the entire time. Thursday, her mom tried to refuse to do the treatment and I told the worker that her visit needed to ended early then, so mom threw a tantrum, but did the treatment. Friday, her mom basically threw a tantrum at the day care saying that it smelled (to be honest, it did...it is a day care for kids with special needs) and took Zoe into the bathroom for 30 minutes in the middle of her treatment. She also purposefully used the wrong nebulizer for her antibiotic which is unacceptable in my opinion. She has said she will not do treatments at the day care any more (and wants to do them at her house...I am really stressed that they are going to let her even though her noncompliance and lack of parental authority is what got her into this situation to begin with and it is not at all in Zoe's best interest for that to happen...I don't even think that her aunt should be the one to do the supervising because that sounds like a recipe for disaster with Zoe's health at stake).

So, I'm really struggling with trust, even though I'm constantly reminding myself to trust God (and the system) and telling myself to let go of what is out of my control, I'm still having a hard time. I'm also trying really hard to get rid of all my "f-bombs" before court tomorrow and find some better words if the Judge asks me what I think. My dream would be for her to stay in my care and them to change visits to a couple of times a week so we have more time together to work on things like her speech, listening skills, vocabulary, and be able to do fun things like go look at Christmas lights or see the big tree at the museum. Right now, she is gone every night until late and I barely have time to get her a snack, a bath, and a book before it's after 9:00 (or 9:45!)

Your prayers (or good thoughts) are welcome. I just want what's best for her. Cystic Fibrosis is a horrible disease and I'm afraid her life span has already been shortened due to the persistent noncompliance in her first 4 1/2 years of life. In the 12 weeks she has been with me, she has been on oral antibiotics for 6 weeks anda inhaled antibiotics for 5 weeks. She has had to increase her treatments from twice a day to three times a day for about 5 weeks too due to illness. The Pulmonologist told me that she will likely need to be hospitalized if she gets sick again, which is a possibility with cold and flu season about to come.

Hopefully I'll have time to update tomorrow (I'll for sure post something on twitter when I know something @ iloveblogs44 )

Parent...or Friend?

I had a really rough night's sleep last night, which doesn't happen very often (thank goodness!) I woke up with my sheets all twisted up and then tossed and turned in what felt like a half asleep/half awake state with continued twisted sheets for a while. My stomach was churning so I got up to the bathroom a couple of times and finally was able to go to sleep...only to have some pretty interesting dreams before my alarm went off at 5:30 since I had a class at work that started at 7.

I had a hard time falling asleep too since my mind keeps cycling through different conversations and ways to handle the teenager "situation". I think that's what upset my stomach in the middle of the night too and why it was so hard to go back to sleep.

As I last wrote, she went home on Sunday after spending nearly seven weeks living here. During those weeks, I tried talking to her about this "fairy tale" she is living and get her to talk about her plans for the future/what she wants/how she sees my role in her life. But, as is the case whenever she is asked to speak, she shuts down and refuses to talk about anything significant. I spent all weekend trying to figure out how to tell her that I can't keep coming to the rescue, but that doesn't mean I'll stop loving her and caring about her...I never could get the words to come out (I'm pretty good at avoiding the tough stuff too).

My "plan" was to let her get adjusted at home for a few days and then come Wednesday or Thursday, I'd send her an "I love you" text, just so she remembered that I still care.

Then, Tuesday night, I was getting ready for bed and had just jotted down in my notebook where I keep all contact/communication information should I need it at a later date that I didn't have contact with the teen or her mom. I had a few missed texts from her mom within a minute of her calling at 10:09 PM to tell me that her aunt was supposed to pick up the teen from work, but she wasn't answering her phone. So, the teen had been waiting there at work for a while and didn't have a ride home. I let her know that I was in my pajamas and had to work the next day and she said the teen could just stay here overnight since it was closer or she could have the teen get a cab. She actually sounded pretty upset, even saying "I just can't rely on my family...I'm sorry I have to ask you..." So, I got in my car and picked up the teen from work.

She was a little more quiet than usual and texted a lot while we watched Pretty Little Liars (I was wondering how long I was going to have to save it on my DVR since I wasn't going to watch it without her...we always watch it together!) She told me that she had stayed the night before at her aunt's house (so, she only stayed Sunday night at her mom's). I asked if she had talked to her mom about school stuff and she said no. I reminded her again when I called her Wednesday afternoon from work that she can't wait, she needs to talk to her mom ASAP about the plans. I told her to think about what she wants and how this is going to work (because this is only the beginning of them having difficulty getting her home from work).

So, after an hour nap to offset my rough night's sleep, I called my trusty caseworker for a "pep talk". She knows the teen's mom (and the teen) and knows how things work with them. She also knows me really well. She agreed that I can't continue to be used by her mom and be expected to drop everything to help her/them. She encouraged me to sit the teen down and tell her that she HAS to make a decision about what she wants to do for school (since it starts in less than 5 weeks and she isn't enrolled anywhere and hasn't had her physical yet). She has to decide what she wants her future to look like and resolve those issues...I cannot do it for her...and she cannot continue to wait and see how it all works out because this isn't just going to "fix" itself.

She suggested I set a deadline for her and stick to the boundary of not dropping everything to help. As we talked, it became more clear the "parent" role versus the "friend" role. Even though I have done MANY things as a parent would/should treat her, I also like having her here as good company. So, I also have to "suck it up" and know that even if she feels let down/abandoned/like I'm being "mean" and is angry/upset for weeks (months?!), eventually, she will remember that I really have been there for her and teaching her how to make decisions and speak for herself is a skill she has to learn...even though it is hard. She won't avoid me forever because our relationship is too strong for that (even though it may FEEL like "forever"). It is making me sick worrying about if/when I'll be called if/when the next "crisis" occurs and that isn't fair (considering both of them are in their fairy tale lands where all is fine...), so I need to take steps to take care of myself too.

I realize that this is what other people have probably been trying to tell me, but it took talking it out this afternoon for me to understand that giving her a little extra push will hurt, but it will be for the best for both of us.

Will definitely update as I have time on how this all is working out...

Not How I Planned It

As I type this, the teen is packing up her room. She said she is going home tomorrow, even though her mom won't be back until who knows when (I haven't talked to her in days).

Today was the second day in a row that she was either ignoring me or responding rudely. After spending an hour bawling on the couch/at the kitchen table waiting for her to come out of her room for  food or a bathroom break or something (she'd been in her room over three hours), she finally emerged. I asked her what was up, she said nothing and refused to talk...and then returned to her room locking the door behind her.

So, my emotions got the better of me and I started pounding on her door without any response (except for an "I'm sleeping"). I then got a screwdriver and unlocked the door, telling her I would take the doorknob off if I had to break in. All I got out of her word wise was that I had "gotten annoying" that I was "overreacting", "being a crazy lady", and that she was going home tomorrow. For full disclosure, I did yell through the door that no one said she had to stay here and I didn't appreciate the way she was treating me.

I sat on her bed for about 10 minutes while she texted someone. I told her I loved her (many times) and that I was not kicking her out. I reminded her that I would always be here for her and never stop loving her. I did apologize for unlocking her door, but as my sister told me, "if she is living there for free, she should be respectful and communicate. You definitely have the right to unlock the door."

One friend told me "letting them go is often the hardest but can also be the best lesson. Let it be..." and so I dried my eyes (well, there may not have been any tears left anyway) and know that she is right. Another reminded me that she loves me and I love her...so this isn't really going to be "the end"...

it's just not how I planned it to be...and it sucks...and hurts really, really bad...

Six Weeks

If my "notebook of notes" serves me correctly, tomorrow will mark six weeks since the teen came to "live" here. She did go home for three nights during the first couple weeks (and Wednesday will mark four weeks since her mom left town). School let out for her just under six weeks ago, so she has hardly been home since school got out for the summer.

I guess it makes sense why my summer has seemed SO crazy busy now that I put all that into perspective! We've gone to (at least) half a dozen baseball games, the zoo, for a walk on a local bridge, volunteered at an event for my foster care agency, and watched hours of television. We have shared dozens of meals, gone shopping, and sunbathed in the front yard. Plus, both of us have been working.

She is working hard and making good money. Unfortunately, I am very suspicious that she has wired money to her mom twice (she is still out of town because she doesn't have money to get back). I haven't talked to her about it, but it makes me really sad. (Her mom called me last Monday and asked me to help the teen save money...apparently that doesn't include telling her not to give her mom money.)

Today she pretty much ignored me all day long. When she did respond to me, it was either really short or with a lot of attitude. She told me her allergies were acting up, but that doesn't really explain the way she was acting. I posted it on twitter and my awesome "tweeps" thought maybe she is getting nervous about going home, so taking it out on the person she trusts (and know cares about her). Maybe she really does realize that this "fairy tale" is coming to an end and is trying to push me away to help ease the blow. Another "theory" is that I'm over sensitive right now and her actions are more "typical" teenager behavior, just not the typical teenage behavior I get from her. She does deserve to have some space and I wasn't so much irritated with her ignoring me as her attitude whenever I tried to talk to her. Our dinner was mostly in silence.

I hate it when she's like that.

And, as much as I hate to say it, I think she needs to go home (aka her mom NEEDS to come home and take care of her kid). Even if it is for a little while and she decides she wants to come back, she needs to go home and work things out with her mom. Right now, she is not enrolled in any school for her Senior year. So, they REALLY need to talk about that. If she (somehow) ends up at the same school she's been attending for the past three years, it starts in less than seven weeks. If she ends up changing schools, she will need to be enrolled wherever that will be and start dealing with the emotions of that. Where she goes to school is completely out of my control and the teen can't make any decisions on that without her mom.

So, even though today was awfully quiet and not a whole lot of fun, maybe it was good preparation for the day (likely later this week) when she is no longer a constant presence here. It will be a rough transition for both of us, but I think it's time for a "break"...and for me to sit back and allow them to work out their issues without me. I can't always be the one to come to the rescue when the going gets tough, even though I will always love her and be here for her.

Her mom said she'd be home tomorrow or Friday (or maybe some day in between there?) What a life she lives...it takes all sorts, right?!

Until the next time...