Post #100

Wow, I can't believe that this is my 100th post! How fitting, though, that my 100th post is on the last day of 2007. It has been quite a year! I had a tough time narrowing down my photos to make the slide show, but this year was SO much more than what these pictures show.

2007 was a year that brought many good times, and challenging times. I learned a lot, and think I am a better person by having experienced the ups and downs of 2007. Here are some "highlights". I surely forgot a thing or two, but you get the idea!

• January and February were pretty sad times at work. We lost many of our "favorite" patients during that time. However, I also purchased my first house, which was very exciting (and a little scary!).


• February brought the engagement of my younger sister and now brother-in-law.


• March wasn't too exciting, I guess (I'm looking through my calendar, but mostly just baby-sitting, working at the hospital, and at the clinic!). I did go on my "first" first date.


• April brought Easter and some fun memories made with family.


• In May, I flew to Washington, DC for my friend's wedding, and ran a 10K I barely trained for, but it was a "Life-a-Thon" for organ and tissue donor awareness. I worked my last night shift--yay! I also started this wonderful "blog".


• June brought a new friend who kept me company during the summer (and did an AWESOME job painting my guest room!). I also was an extra in an Independent film that will be released sometime next year.


• July was the transplant reunion, and the end of my days working at the clinic. I started doing contract work with the state, and went on my first "outing" with other "young adults" at my church. A little bit of "family drama" this month, but we all survived!
  
• August was "wedding stuff"--shower, bachelorette party, other details. My aunt was also diagnosed with breast cancer. A friend from work moved to another state for a different job.


• September was the "Big Wedding", a trip to be with my aunt before her surgery, various fun activities, and the death of another "much loved" patient.


• October was the month I turned 28. I did ALL sorts of fun stuff to celebrate that!


• November reminded me of everything I have been blessed with in my life. God brought wonderful people into my life at the perfect time. A time of thanksgiving, during the month of Thanksgiving. It also brought me "out of the box" and my first experience taking care of a puppy. I went on my "second" first date and got the nickname "one date wonder" at Curves.


• December brought more celebrations of the gift of each day and God's blessings in my life. I finished up my job with the state. Christmas was a terrific time spent with family and friends.

I think I did a lot of growing up in 2007, even though I "just" aged from 27 to 28! I guess that's what they mean by "life experiences".

God only knows what is in store for me in 2008. I am down to "one job" for the first time in a LONG time, but have some ideas on what to do about that! I am making plans to take foster parent classes. I would like to do some more traveling. I want to organize my house so I am not afraid to have guests see my "clutter". I am sure I have MUCH more to learn at my job. I will be the head of the unit's council and on a couple committees. I also am goint to be the president of the alumnae council at my high school. It sounds like it will be another busy year!

Enjoy the slide show (if anyone actually decides to read my blog!).

Friendship

I was hoping today wouldn't be my 100th post because I don't have anything "profound" to say (as if I usually do!). I actually wasn't planning on posting at all today, but then I saw the "quote of the day" for today. (I'm SO glad I found that link because I LOVE cool quotes and so far I haven't been disappointed in the quotes chosen for each day.).

This is the quote for today--There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship. ~Saint Thomas Aquinas

Wow, how true is that?! Oh, how I have been blessed with wonderful friends! I have friends all over the country and even a "pen pal" in Poland. Some friends I talk to regularly (like my mom!), some friends about once a month, others just once or twice a year. These wonderful people help me put life in perspective. I have laughed with them and cried with them. We have gone through good times, great times, and times that seemed terrible. There is the friend I met on the beach when I was visiting family in California when we were TEN, the friends from high school, friends from college in Texas, friends from when I lived in Rhode Island, and the friends I made when I moved home. I have friends who are older and younger. I have friends who are from wealthy families, and others who are not. I have friends who are married with kids, and friends who are single and loving it (just like me!). There are those "friends" I have "met" on the blogs I read, people I will probably never meet this side of heaven. Oh so many friends.

What treasures, these "prizes", these friends.

I didn't end up in the PICU again today, but most of the day I only had one patient and she was just about as busy as the kids I had yesterday IN the Intensive Care Unit. I'm off for two days now (yay!). I did get an admission late in the shift and he was a cute kid with nice parents...maybe I can get him AND my other one back on Tuesday! That would make for a nice New Year's :o)

My next post will be NUMBER 100...I'll have to see if I can think of something very important to write about. I'd have to say that this post wasn't bad :o) Too bad no one's reading!

Whoa, wasn't ready for that!

So, it actually WAS my turn to float today...to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU). I hadn't been floated since the Tuesday before Thanksgiving (if I recall, I posted about that being a FABULOUS day!). Today, the unit needed two floats, the other one came from an adult cardiac floor (needless to say, she was scared out of her mind!). So, there actually were only 5 kids on the floor NOT on the ventilator, and she was given what was thought was the "more stable" pair. That proved to be correct, as one of my patients ended up needing to be put on the ventilator for a procedure around 11:00 and the other went to surgery and came back to the unit on the ventilator. So, non-ventilator-trained me was left with "no patients" as another nurse had to take over my two. By this time, the other float had sent one of her patients to the floor, and was still trying to figure out what she was doing working with kids. So, I ended up taking HER one patient and she went back to her floor. As it turned out, one of my "original" patients didn't need the ventilator for very long, so I became the nurse once again in the afternoon (which worked out since my "new" patient went to the OR around that same time). I felt badly that I can't really help much with all that "ICU stuff", but I did what I could do...

...I even volunteered to float down there again tomorrow if I can have my patients back!

I am SO tired and it isn't even 9:30! After spending the past two days on the couch, being up and awake all day proved to be quite the challenge! I think I'll be headed to bed early, even though should cheer "my team" on in their Bowl game. I actually think I should get a few checks written so I can send off my bills tomorrow (thank goodness for pay day...it didn't come soon enough this time!).

Good night (and good bye to my "hard-earned" money!)

Deciding

I noticed that I have posted more times in December than in any other month since I started this blog in May. I don't think my life has gotten any more exciting, so either I am just bored, or like this way of journaling (my "paper journaling" has been a bit more limited recently). When I started this blog, I wasn't sure what I would do with it. I didn't really have a "plan". I didn't really think anyone would read it, and really no one has. One day on the "blogger" home page, there was a link that gave information on how to increase the volume of people coming to your site. It said to post on other blogs that have a lot of readers. I DO read quite a few blogs, but rarely post comments because I am worried that then people will come read my blog! I created this blog "anonymously" to protect myself and my family (and my job!). I have seen people hurt pretty badly by strangers on blogs. I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle criticism and judging. While I believe I have been careful about the types of things I write about my job, I'm a little nervous there could be someone out there who could try and do something disastrous to my career. I am, however, a genuinely kind person who cares a lot about other people. Because of that, I've been thinking that it IS a bit rude that I spend lots of time reading about the lives of other people, "lurking", and not giving them an opportunity to have a glimpse into my life if they so choose. I don't like considering myself rude, so I feel torn...and still deciding. I KNOW that I have learned from reading other blogs, but do I REALLY think I have anything to teach anyone else?! And does that really matter?!

One decision I made rather easily today is that I was going to spend another day on the couch. I actually think I was less productive today than I was yesterday, if that is possible! My friend did come over on her way out of town with her son. I am SO happy they were able to go home. She is a little nervous taking him home, which is understandable considering other kids in his situation would probably stay in the hospital for much longer. His road to recovery will most likely be a long one. It is nice that he will be able to travel that road at home with his family. Families separated from each other is one of the hardest parts of my job. It is also one that many people seem to forget is a big stressor on the parents. Having a sick kid is hard enough, but having one or two or more hundreds of miles away...I can't even imagine.

I did actually go to the mall for a little while after my friend left, but didn't really find what I was looking for (still managed to spend $15, though!). I will go out again in a little while to have dinner with another friend. Back to work tomorrow...I keep thinking that one of these days I will get to be a PICU nurse again (I'm HOPING that the next time I float, it is to PICU and not an adult unit!). Maybe tomorrow. I'd rather that than Saturday, but PICU is DEFINITELY better than any other unit!

Well, I have some time, and Christmas music playing, so I suppose I could write out a few cards or thank yous.

The Day After

'Tis the day after Christmas, but I'm not ready to give up my Christmas music! Good thing the "Christmas Season" goes until Epiphany which is January 6! Be assured I'll be listening to my music at least until then!

I somehow managed to get up early enough to make it to Curves this morning, but was half asleep for most of my "workout"! I took a nap this afternoon. I was on my couch for most of the day, which was wonderful. I did manage to do two loads of laundry, run the dishwasher, and cook dinner (enough for about 10 servings...oops!). I just watched a few episodes of Law and Order: SVU while eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate.

I "text messaged" with my friend's husband and, from the tests they did today, it sounds like their son is improving. So, they should be able to head back home soon! Tonight I spoke with a friend I haven't talked to in MONTHS and we had a nice visit. She and her husband are building a house, and their baby is about six months old now (I still haven't sent a gift OR a Christmas card!). It was great to "catch up" even though my life is still pretty boring (but I LOVE it!!).

I spent quite a bit of time reading "my blogs" as I do pretty much every day. One of them had a posting about something I think is SO special! Their church gave the family a "prayer pager" and any time someone is thinking about them and praying, they can page it and leave their zip code and the family knows a prayer has been said. The "blogger" put the pager number on the site so any of her "readers" can leave messages. I just thought that was the neatest thing! Prayer is so powerful, and knowing by the sound of a beep, that someone is praying for you and your situation at that moment just HAS to bring a kind of peace. I also finally listened to a talk that a mother did at her church telling her family's story. I found their story a couple years ago, right around the time her daughter died. I have learned a great deal from that woman and her daughter, even though we have never met. I tried to post the talk, but am not sure if I did it correctly. It is about 45 minutes long, but is very touching and inspirational.

Well, what started out as a plan to post about not wanting Christmas to be "over" kind of went all over the place. I guess it's kind of a "life goes on" because Christ was born...okay, stretching it a bit because this post is not really inspiring or thought-provoking or anything else along those lines. This is just a journal, just me. By the way, that photo of me and my friend I posted yesterday...I can't believe I did that, considering how terrible I look, but decided against removing it! That's all for today--good night!

Still awake?!

I CANNOT believe I am still awake at 11:00 considering I was only in bed for 4 hours and got out of it SEVENTEEN hours ago! I worked for about thirteen of those and felt like I was sleepwalking half the time. It wasn't to the point that I feared the safety of my patients, but it was quite a challenge at times to keep my eyes open (I DID wear my glasses in hopes of combating part of the problem!). We were SO SO SO busy, especially considering hospitals usually try to "clear out" for Christmas, especially on the pediatric units. But no, we were almost completely full, and I think we actually only had one room open when I left, and MAYBE there was a PICU bed available if organs became available...LOTS of sick kids!

My friend and her family, though, they definitely made the most of Christmas in the hospital. They all realized that it is family that really matters and they were all together. (Of course, it helps that her son is feeling better.) My mom came up to the hospital to bring some yummy goodies and "luckily" the baby who decided to vomit all over me did so before she got there so she could stop by my house to get another pair of "red" scrub pants on the way. Living close to work is SO nice!

After work (LONG day!), I visited with my friend for a little while (making "plans" for my next two days off!). Some relatives were gathered at my mom and dad's house, but thankfully they didn't wait for me to eat. I ate when I got there and we had a nice visit. Then, my parents, sister, and I went next door for some more treats, conversation, and the ever famous shot of "12 year Jameson" . (I declined the shots last night for the first time since I was 20, but I can't imagine how much harder today would have been with THAT put into the mix!).

There were some nice family photos taken last night and today, but they are all on my mom's camera. I do have a few, so here goes (and then I go to bed!).

Mom's new pajamas...

I think Dad likes them too! :o

My friend and I in "all our hotness"...

she lives at the hospital,

I just worked a 12+ hour shift...

we make quite a pair

(got the "red going on anyway!)

Christmas Blessings

That isn't what I originally thought the title of today's post would be--I actually thought it would be "Something's Missing". Last night, my "immediate family" (mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law) opened our gifts from each other. That was my choice because how we did gifts last year was not good at all in my opinion. We opened our gifts in about 10 minutes and that was it. It was not fun at all. So, this way was "better", but still things are different. We no longer get together with my mom's side of the family for Christmas, mostly because the weather is so unpredictable around here. My dad's brother and his family do not believe in God, my sister and brother-in-law are not religious, or really spiritual at all. Knowing I would have Christmas dinner two nights in a row without praying just seems "wrong", even though my family never really was that consistent about praying together, besides going to Mass. So, I've been doing a lot of reading, and spending time with, people who are very proud of their faith and the "full meaning" of Christmas and was feeling kind of sad that my Christmas would be a great time spent with family, but not all about "Christ". Because of that, I was planning on journaling about "missing out" on the "reason for the season".

However, once again I was given a surprise. God seems to know what I need and has been "coming through" for me a lot lately. I considered getting up and working out before going to help my sister paint. However, when the alarm rang at 8:30 I decided that wasn't happening and I'd stay in bed until 10. My friend called me just before 10 to see if she could come do laundry at my house. I thought that would be a great way to spend my morning--visiting with her and her daughters. She threw in a load of wash and went back to the hospital to talk to her son's doctors. I had a nice visit with her older daughter while the younger one played with my old Barbies in the basement. When my friend came back, she was SO happy and felt SO blessed by the words of the doctors. They said very kind things that just blessed her heart, which was much needed. The current "plan" is that once her son is stable, they will be able to take him home to finish treatment/recovery instead of having to stay here. This was such a blessing to her...a Christmas blessing. Oh, how MY heart is happy when my friends are happy! I DID have to leave to go help my mom and sister, but gave her the BIGGEST hugs possible before she left (maybe even making up for the hug I was so sad about missing out on last week!). Having great friends, a terrific family, AND belief in God makes a HUGE difference!

I have just returned from Midnight Mass (I had to stop my journaling "mid-post" to go). It was SO wonderful to be in the presence of other faith-filled people (I needed that after my initial thoughts of Christmas this year). The priest echoed the reminder that Jesus is the greatest Christmas gift, but also that Christmas is for family and friends to spend time together. I was blessed to be able to do both of those today. I do remember those who are spending Christmas without their loved ones, and for the 30+ kids who are spending Christmas in my hospital. I will be there "tomorrow" (in 5 1/2 hours actually) to hopefully bring some Christmas cheer :o)

The mom of the patient I have previously journaled about loves the group Third Day. Because of that, I have made a habit that whenever I hear one of their songs on the radio, I stop and say a prayer for her and her family. More than once (at least three times that I can remember), the radio played two of their songs in less than 10 minutes as I lay in bed listening to the radio to fall asleep (as I said, God loves to mess with me!). Of course, the radio has been playing Christmas songs 24 hours a day for the past month, so I'll have to see if I recognize any of their other songs once they stop playing Christmas music! This is one of my favorites. It is called "Manger Throne" .

What kind of King would leave His throne

In Heaven to make this earth His home?

While men seek fame and great renown

In loneliness our King comes down

Jesus, Jesus, precious One

How we thank You that You've come

Jesus, Jesus, precious One

A manger throne for God’s own Son

You left the sound of angels' praise

To come for men with unkind ways

And by this Baby's helplessness

The power of nations is laid to rest

What kind of King would come so small

From glory to a humble stall?

That dirty manger is my heart, too

I'll make it a royal throne for You

My heart is a throne

My heart is a throne for God's own Sons.

Merry Christmas!

No good time...

to feel "yucky".

This morning I woke up feeling quite nauseaous with some abdominal cramping. Of course, it was right before I had to get up for work, so there was no calling in sick. I figured it would go away, since I have had morning nausea occasionally . I wasn't able to drink my Carnation Instant Breakfast during morning report like I usually do. I had no appetite at all. I continued with intermittent cramping throughout the day, and lower back discomfort. My eyes were tired and sore, I felt warm/flushed, and my nose was a little "'drippy". Basically, I was a mess, but unable to really establish a pattern or consistent symptoms (so didn't take any medication). Someone went out and got Panera, and I drank a vanilla caramel latte around 11/1130 (I know, that sounds like the first thing you should put in your stomach when you are nauseaous!). My patients kept me very busy, but I probably COULD have had a lunch break if I felt like eating, but I did not. At 5:00 (note that I had been working for 10 hours by this point), I decided that I HAD to eat something, so I sat and ate a bagel with cream cheese and just sat for a few minutes. I DID wait until 6:00 or so before I had my meltdown, and I kept it brief! I was SO tired from the past two days and feeling kind of icky and just as busy did NOT help.

I TRIED to leave my little violin in its case for most of the day, considering I do work with patients who are WAY sicker than I will (hopefully) ever be and my "abdominal discomfort" is nothing compared to abdominal surgery and getting new organs. My mom instructed me to go to bed early and get good rest because tomorrow we are doing our family Christmas, and the whining will not be tolerated :o) I have to wrap my presents, but am deciding if I should eat, and what I should eat if I decide I should.

I suppose that feeling yucky on my third day was better than the first or second. I didn't have to use any sick time, and hopefully it was just a one day thing and I'll feel great my two days off.

Counting down

Two work days down, one to go before I have a couple days off again. These two days have been UNBELIEVABLY crazy!! Today I ended up discharging or transferring all three of my patients from yesterday, and got an admission. I think we sent a total of seven patients out and got five back in, plus another two coming right after change of shift. The PICU is completely full, so that means we will probably end up taking care of pretty sick kids on the floor. Maybe some miracles will happen and at least some of the kids will be better by Christmas (praying hard that none of them will be spending Christmas in Heaven).

I can hardly believe that Christmas is just a couple days away! I am hoping I'm done shopping. I'm pretty tired tonight, so I guess I'll have to wrap packages tomorrow (since I think we are opening presents on Sunday). My family "adopted" two transplant families for Christmas, so I will get to deliver those on Sunday or Monday as well, which will be fun.

My friend's son is doing a little better, with less pain. There isn't quite a "plan" yet, but she has some plans that will work best for her family. Hopefully that plan works with the team, if that is the way things are supposed to be.

It's barely 9:30, but I am WIPED out...back to work tomorrow, so I'm gonna "hit the hay"!

Gentle Reminder--

--your life does not suck.

Well, I don't think that I REALLY thought my life was that bad, but my writing the past few days have some pretty icky feelings running through them. I DO, however, strongly believe that journaling is an excellent coping mechanism. I journal nightly, although my "paper journal" has had some shorter entries since I started writing here. Just putting my thoughts out there can change how I feel, or how I deal with my feelings. In fact, yesterday after I posted, I felt SO much better, and the churning in my stomach slowed. (I felt even better still after I took a nap and finally talked to my friend, even though she is in a very rough situation that makes me sad).

I did manage to get all of my "bad thoughts" out here and leave them at home. Today was a pretty crazy day at work (4 kids got blood, 2 kids had procedures, another couple on frequent monitoring for various reasons and we only had 12 patients and 4 nurses!). I managed to keep a positive attitude and had a good day. While others were crabby at times, I kept my smile (of course, I HAVE only worked 2 days out of the past twelve, so had NO reason whatsoever to be crabby!). I think I'm even ready to go back tomorrow!

I'd better get some gifts prepared for tomorrow, and then head to bed because "day two" could be a bit more challenging after so many days off!

Best laid plans...fall short

I had a TERRIBLE time getting up this morning (and didn't until 11:00), and still feel pretty "blah". Hangover? (I had a COUPLE drinks last night, but not a lot, or any more than "normal"), Lazy? Bored? Depressed? Hormones? Guilt? Getting sick? Some combination or something else entirely? All I know is that I don't feel like doing much of anything, and didn't get NEARLY as much done today as I had planned. I suppose the "night is still young" but somehow I don't see me getting much more accomplished.

I DID manage to mail off three Christmas packages to friends, which means three Christmas cards also left my possession. I guess that's "good", but not really considering I've had most of the past week off and now I go back to work tomorrow and if I'm lacking motivation now, I can only imagine what I'll be like after a 12-hour shift. I also think I am finished Christmas shopping, as I got stuff for my sister, my dad, and my secret santa at work. Maybe a good goal for this evening is to wrap my gifts and bring them to my parents' house to place under their tree. Of course, that would require getting off the couch!

What has happened to me? The person who has been supplying some "positive energy" to me leaves town and I fall apart? Actually, I'm thinking that is more of a coincidence because I was already struggling, but that would be a nice excuse. Anyway, I'm hoping a short nap will do me some good. I need to go to the grocery store to get stuff for a pot luck at work tomorrow. Maybe I'll post again later.

A little selfish

It seems the past couple of days have not been very good for me emotionally. I am hoping and praying that I can "snap out of it" before I have to go back to work on Thursday. Maybe I will let myself sleep in a little longer tomorrow, even though I will need to work out and have a lot to do.

So, I'm still kind of stuck on what to think about my new railing. I took a photo of it, but haven't uploaded the picture yet. I really do not think it is very attractive, maybe even "ugly". I said something of that effect to my dad, but he said it is "practical"...oh well, nothing I can do about it now, unless somehow I end up with extra money that I don't need for something else. Still, it was supposed to be a nice surprise, so I should not be ungrateful. I sound like a spoiled brat.

A patient I have come to be rather fond of was able to go home today after being here for nearly 13 weeks. I am thrilled to tears that they will be home for Christmas. Along with MANY others, I have been praying for this day for what seems like forever. Her mom is actually who I was visiting on Sunday for so long. I feel so selfish, but I am crying because I didn't get to say a "proper good-bye". I thought I'd be able to go see them today before they left, but I guess it didn't work out. I wish I would have given her a nice big hug on Sunday (instead of not giving a hug at all...I was only planning to stay a minute or two and never took my coat off even though I was there over 2 hours!). There are things I wish I could have said. I AM happy that they are home, but having some selfish feelings too. I pray she continues to do well and they only have to come back when they want to. While I'm feeling kind of sad now, I am also remembering the fun and special moments we had during this "not-very-fun" time in their lives.

I haven't been able to talk to my friend since her son's birthday party yesterday. So, I don't know how he is doing, or what the "plan" is. Her cell phone doesn't work very well, she isn't often in her hotel room, and the phone in her son's room has a very quiet ringer. I hope I can reach her tomorrow.

On a slightly different note, I FINALLY finished the book I was reading. I read The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards. When telling people about the general story, it seems very sad, which it is (come to think of it, I'm sure THAT helped my mood!), but it also has a bit of a love story. Probably the most profound part of the story for me is the impact of loss on different people. The husband in the story thought he was saving his wife from the grief of losing an older child, not realizing that the death of a child at any age, even an infant, has lasting effects. I have read a lot, including many blogs, that have taught me about grief and loss, and also about celebrating life. One mother lost her daughter two years ago and today wrote "Yes, I am still grieving. No, it isn’t over yet." Grief is an ongoing process...and it hurts. I am glad that I have found wise people to teach me these things (even if I only know them through the computer). I have also read blogs of families who knew their babies were going to have very short lives, but they celebrated those precious moments in such a beautiful way.

I read blogs to LEARN, I tell myself...

Well, not wasn't THAT an uplifting journal entry?! I AM done crying now, but mostly because I was trying to add links here and there throughout the post and was having trouble, so decided just to not do that. My eyes are tired and they hurt. I suppose my heart kind of hurts too.

Tomorrow--Christmas cards and Christmas gifts...that should make for a better day!

It was "a day"

I guess that pretty much sums it up. Last night I was up until nearly 2:00 after staying at the hospital visiting until almost midnight. I called and apologized for staying so late, but she assured me that it was okay since she had to be awake until 2 anyway. (So, I'll take that, and not feel badly about it anymore!). I didn't end up finishing my book, but plan on doing that tonight.


I went and worked out for the fourth time this month (more than I went all last month, maybe even more than the past two months combined!). From today's weight, I need to lose at least 15 pounds just to be close to the weight I should be. I'm not sure if I have enough will power right now to eat healthy, but at least I can make working out part of my routine! Of course it doesn't help that my period decided to come twice this month (must be making up for the months I went without it earlier this year!) and it is the holiday season with yummy foods all around.


I came home to some guys working in my front yard. When I "checked it out", I discovered they were installing a railing for my front steps. That brought a wave of emotions which led me to tears. First I was touched that my parents would do that, then upset that I had no input, then worried about how I was going to pay for it, then trying to be grateful for their thoughtfulness, then...oh I was a mess! Unfortunately, my mom received the brunt of my emotions, made worse by the fact that I must have misunderstood her as she said "you have to pay for it" (not what she meant, I guess). She and my dad just thought this was the coolest gift and while I AM thankful and blessed that they cared so much to buy something that to them it seemed a necessity and they knew it was not in my budget. I'm still kind of upset about it, because I don't really like the way it looks. I guess I'll just have to get used to it...I rarely use the front steps anyway.


I nearly missed my friend's son's birthday party because the hospital never told me a time. He wasn't in a mood to party--still in a lot of pain, vomiting, fatigued...not a good deal at all. My friend didn't get that great of news from the doctors on rounds. I'm praying the doctor was just giving her "worst case scenario" just so she doesn't get blindsided. I am so sad for her and her family. They knew this journey could be full of bumps and struggles, but that doesn't make the hardships any easier to handle.

I worked on Christmas presents, ran the dishwasher, did two loads of laundry, and did a tiny bit of "de-cluttering" around the house.

So, it was "a day"...a pretty emotional one I would say best describes it. A couple of good things, some sad stuff. Tomorrow is another day. Gotta hope and pray for the best.

Who knew?

So, I "should" journal about what I did my last two days off, or how work was, or how much fun I had tonight AFTER I got off work (I can't believe I basically invited myself into someone's home and stayed until nearly midnight...oops!...we were having a nice visit, but that is pretty late!), but I had this post saved from before it was really "elf season". So, here it is...who knew? I guess I do now! More later. I think I have a book to finish!

Your Elf Name Is...

Stubby Candy Cane Lips

What's Your Elf Name?

Liking this

I figured out today, that once again, I am having quite the stretch of days off...working two out of twelve days to be exact. Now, if only I could have focused on that last week in the midst of my crabbiness (especially since, if I recall correctly, that stretch of "working days" followed a time when I worked one day out of ten!). Anyway, I think I'm making the most of my "break".

Yesterday, I stayed in bed until almost 10:00 before I decided to get up, throw some ingredients in the crockpot to make a yummy soup, and head to Curves . It was my second time to work out this week, the second in the past month. I'm determined to get on a good schedule! I helped a friend paint a room in her new house. I think I'll go help again tomorrow. I also helped at the Christmas party at the hospital. I had never been and we had a GREAT turnout! I think nearly 30 kids were able to attend. My friend's son didn't get to come down for it, but she and her husband at least were able to get some pizza! After that, I went to choir practice and was forced to stretch my limit because we were short on sopranos (three of us were there, NONE of us strong voices). I am a "choir singer" and mostly go for fun--I CANNOT carry a section, although during one song, I actually think I did pretty well considering!

Today, I went to coffee with a good friend. She is the one who "set me up" with the guy I had a date with two weeks ago. She agreed with the folks who have told me I should call him. I haven't yet. My mom was doing a stem-cell donation for research which is a 4-hour process in which you have no use of either hand/arm, so I spent about an hour with her, visiting and itching her nose for her. Then, I went to lunch with my dad at a place that does simulcast horse races. We LOVE betting the horses! Unfortunately, we never cashed a ticket, but we did have good food and a fun time. My mom came over and had a late lunch after her donation (the yummy soup from yesterday!). I read more of my book and took a nap. I worked on a project I am in charge of for one of my committees as well as some Christmas presents. I'm listening to Christmas music and loving it!

So, two more days off until I go back to work. Hopefully I can continue to stay productive. My living room and bedroom are still quite a mess and I was hoping to get my carpets cleaned sometime in the next week or two. My sister and brother-in-law close on their house tomorrow--VERY exciting! I'm off to do more reading...this is a VERY good book!

One day

Learning to take it one day at a time...that's pretty tough for me. A good friend once called me a "big picture person". Something tells me seeing "the big picture" makes it hard to see the little things. However, in my line of work, one more day can be HUGE. I do believe that I am doing better in "living each moment" and trying to remember that each day is a gift.

The title of this post has many meanings. Here are a few that are on my mind:

• I only had to work ONE day out of the last four, and now have four days off--can't beat THAT schedule!
• The little girl I wrote about last week seems to be improving, she is here on earth another day. Praying for her family, praying that God's will be done.
• My friend's son did not respond to the first round of treatment for his rejection. Today he began a seven-day course of the second-line of therapy. Praying his side effects are minimal, and the drug does its job. Praying for his family, as they will be spending his birthday, and probably Christmas, away from home.
• Yesterday my boss lost her father. Her mother got home from a day of volunteering at the hospital and found him dead. What a horrible day. Praying for God to help them through this difficult time.

The quote that began each of my college application essays was "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." I think that rings true as much today as it did TEN years ago when I wrote that essay--embrace each day, live as if there is no tomorrow :o)

I'm excited for my days off! I have Christmas cards to write, email addresses to obtain, gifts to make, a friend's house to paint, books to read, horse races to bet on...SO much!

He knew

I guess God didn't think I was ready to go back to work today! I got an early morning phone call to be "on-call" which I took without hesitation. I slept VERY well until I decided I should get up around 9:00. I went and worked out for the first time in over a month. I think if I can get into that habit again, I will feel better about myself, which will help "everything"! I got some supplies for Christmas presents and made my first attempt at being creative...I think I need some assistance!

My sister came over and had lunch with me when she was in the neighborhood for work. I then went up to the hospital and spent a couple hours with my friend in the surgery waiting room while her son was in surgery. She was pretty upset in the morning when I talked to her, but seemed better this afternoon. We had a nice visit. The results from the procedure seemed positive, so she is optimistic. Her husband is here now, which will help. Unfortunately, this is the roller coaster ride of transplant.

When I got home, I made some dinner (cooking THREE days in a row--mark this down!). I was taken "off-call" at 4:30, so ended up taking a nice little nap on the couch. I am about to watch my new favorite comedy with some popcorn and wine, maybe do a couple things around the house, and go to bed early. An ice storm is coming, so it will NOT be fun driving to work in the morning!

Thank you for another day to "recover". It was a day well spent with family and friends.

Not sure

I'm not sure if two days off was enough to recover from last week. I did sleep quite a bit this weekend, which should help. I did some cooking, did some reading, relaxed on the couch, spent time with family, talked to friends, had fellowship with some people from church. I guess that sounds like a good time off!

I don't feel quite ready to head back to work, but this is the "quote of the day" that is posted for today...coincidence?!...I think not!

"Nobody can be successful unless he loves his work." ~David Sarnoff

I DO love my work, I DO love my work!

Sounds good

I was going to go to bed without posting anything, but I found this fun little "survey" and decided to go ahead and post the results. I actually think parts of it make sense, although I am a little bit tempted to take the quiz again and see what it says. Anyway, "blue" sounds like how I've been feeling, so guess it works.

You are most like: You are Blue
You are cool and soothing, with a hidden spontanious side. You are deeper than most people percieve, and you care a lot for those whom you surround yourself with.
Take this quiz: Which Crayola Box of 8 Color Are You?
Visit Toys For Your Blog.com for more blog quizzes

Not right

So, I prayed for a lot of things last night and this morning, including that I would not have to float to another unit today. Unfortunately, I neglected to ask for a "smooth shift" (but I WILL say "thanks" for the answered prayer!!). I guess it was bound to happen after my many shifts that went extraordinarily well. And, I suppose things could have been A LOT worse, but it was not a fun day to put it nicely. Looking back, I can't pinpoint what made it so bad, except I had one kid with a TON of meds and had two busy post-op patients). However, being at the hospital 6 out of 7 days, working five 12+hour shifts took it's toll on me. It took all I had not to completely lose it. I was near tears more than once. I felt SO crabby. I was nearly "uncompassionate" and unnecessarily short with families and colleagues. This is not right at all, because there should be NO excuse to be uncaring in my job. To my "defense", I would say that is DUE TO my complete and utter caring of others and their feelings that I had a breakdown of sorts because my heart couldn't stand it anymore. Or, that is a "cop out" and I just had a day that I was unable to be nice to everyone because sometimes that is a lot of work. (Wow, that sounds TERRIBLE, but I guess I'll leave it as I typed it.) I recovered a bit after getting a lunch break around 1330 (even though it was a short one), and even more once I was able to "hand over" one of my patients to a student and later when I finally drank my Diet Coke.

Having my patients already assigned to me when I got to work on time made me a bit unhappy to start the day (along with the fact that I was wishing I could call in sick, but since I don't ACTUALLY want to be sick, I can't do that!). My friend's son is in "moderate" rejection, but seems to be tolerating the treatment fairly well so far. The little girl is still hanging in there, "better" today, but still not optimistic that she will survive. It's hard to say how long she will be with us...only God knows that answer and the plan for her. I pray that His will be done.

I spoke with a good friend of mine this evening who was able to share some WONDERFUL news with me that MADE my day! I'm SO happy for her! She then listened to be vent on all of my issues, but we did have a few laughs as well.

I need to go to bed, and make one of my prayers be that my poor attitude goes away while I sleep. No one deserves to be treated with rudeness. Today, I did not live by the quotes that are at the top of my blog, my "mottos" for life. That makes me sad.

Feeling Sad

Today was not much better for me emotionally than yesterday, probably worse actually. We had some more snow overnight, but I had to brave the streets to get to my meeting at work. I nominated myself to be the chairperson for the unit council--hope I don't regret THAT decision! We had a pot luck for a nurse who is having a baby and moving to a different position in the hospital. It was at that time that I was told that another of our patients was suffering serious complications from surgery and most likely will not live, maybe not even through the day. This is a patient very well known to my unit, and well-loved, with the most amazing parents. So, a group of us went down to see her briefly, then I stayed for a few minutes to talk to her mom. Nobody saw this coming. I managed to hold off the tears until I got home. I am so sad for them.

My friend found out today that her son is rejecting his transplanted organ. The treatment for this is mostly successful, but it will not be an easy road. I am so sad for her and her family.

The entire community is grieving the terrible losses from yesterday, and there is an aura of sadness everywhere. So at least I'm not alone in feeling sad, but mine is personal too and will take a while to get through.

I am worried about tomorrow. I wish I could call in sick. Then again, I think I would want to be there if she dies tomorrow, and if my friend wants me close by. (It wouldn't look very good if I showed up at the hospital to offer support to others after calling in sick!) I don't think I'll be able to be strong. I will probably cry. That's who I am.

I need to go to bed early. Sleep can't make me feel any worse.

Tragedy at Home

Today was rough. I knew it would be, since a year ago today, one of my most favorite patients passed away.

I also only had one "day off" after working my three in a row, so knew I would be tired. I stayed up extra late after going to a Christmas concert with my mom, so it was even harder to get out of bed (the concert was VERY fun, by the way, and spending the evening with my mom was nice). The second PICU death in 5 days happened this morning. I am praying that it stops there.

This is an "anonymous" blog, so without going into too many details, the afternoon brought news of a horrific tragedy affecting the entire community. On the unit, our eyes were glued to the television and online news, awaiting word of new information. Phone calls were made to check on loved ones, and to let those we love know we were okay. The story will only get more emotional and "closer to home" as further details emerge in the coming days. This is a "small world", and that worries me.

Luckily for me, these past few weeks/months have brought me to a place where I DO try and take each moment and cherish it. Life's too short to live with regrets.

My friend's son was readmitted to the hospital today. I'm hoping to be able to spend some time with her, but praying this is a short stay so she can be home with her family for Christmas.

It's been a long day, and I only have tomorrow "off" before I go back on Friday. I say "off" because I have a 2 hour meeting and a pot luck at work to follow. Looking forward to the weekend :o)

Three and done

For a day anyway, because I go back to the hospital on Wednesday. I never used to work three days in a row, but started scheduling myself like that for some reason. I have been lucky to have three good shifts this time (and actually I think my last three went very well too!). Today was busy for a little while since all three of my patients had respiratory components to their illness. I spent most of the day titrating oxygen, getting "paged" every time my "weaning" didn't work because the oximeter was alarming. I will say, though, that all three of my patients were on less oxygen when I ended my shift than when I started--that's progress, I think (even though it probably won't last through the night, at least I tried!). I just am hoping (and praying) that the respiratory viruses just jump right over and around me because I DO NOT want to get sick! I guess no one does, really, but I enjoy the times I get to spend with my patients and their families outside the hospital SO MUCH! That CANNOT happen if I am even a teeny tiny bit sick. I would miss those opportunities very much. I probably would cry a LOT if I got sick! If eating lots of high-calorie greasy foods will keep those germs away, then I'm "all set" because that has been my diet for quite a while now. And if not exercising helps, then I'm REALLY going to be in the clear!

Anyway, I wasn't busy for a while today, so did make a call to the agency where I sent my foster parent application. I spoke to my contact person there and my background check came back clear (as I knew it would be, but it is official!). So, now I am on the "respite care" list! She gave me the phone number to call to find out about classes. I could start as early as January. Since I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to "take the plunge" to become a parent, she said I can at least get my license "in case" and then just do the required education to keep my license current. I'm pretty excited about this, because I really have wanted to be a foster mom since elementary school, or at least have thought about it since then. I have learned quite a bit about the process through my work at the hospital with foster parents, and through my job with the State. I may even get to do respite care as early as over Christmas this year!

Well, it's getting late and I need to do my "daily prayer" reading and want to go to Mass in the morning and to the speaker following it. The talk is on prayer, so should be interesting.

Living "right"?!

Today was the first day of Advent . This is a pretty big deal in the Church. Unfortunately, I was at work, but did purchase a book that has daily readings and prayers that I plan on starting today. Part of my plan to be a "prayerful" person in a more structured way rather than just trying to live as a prayerful person. Not sure if that is the "right way" to do it, but I am going to try. I feel like I have been spending more time in prayer recently because I have been inspired by some wonderful people God has brought into my life. It seems to be working! Some pretty nice things have been happening in my life--so, either I'm getting some cool "perks" because of the extra praying, or I simply appreciate the little things more.

As I wrote yesterday, I only had one patient all day long and got a bit of grief for that. So, this morning one of the nurses "pawned off" a patient of hers from yesterday that was Spanish-speaking only and possibly needed teaching about how to place a feeding tube prior to discharge today. Gee, thanks! Okay, so I guess I "deserved" that because of yesterday. As it turned out, I didn't have to do the teaching, the mom was very nice, and the discharge couldn't have gone much more smoothly. Today, one of the other nurses ended up with one patient. She was able to go home (I didn't ask if I could leave yesterday because I just would have sat at home and done nothing...I probably wouldn't have been able to anyway). The question was who would take her patient and who would take the kid that was supposed to come from the ER. I decided that I would take the admission, still attempting to save my reputation as the "slacker nurse"! As it turned out, the admission cancelled, so once again I chose the easier assignment. NOT MY FAULT!! It was pretty funny though, because things like that keep happening to me! Now, I could get my turn tomorrow, but the way things are going, my "new self" should be able to make it through anything (I am, however, kind of tired and feeling a bit crabby going into my third shift in a row...I'd better get some sleep!).

Still not sure what I'm going to do about my "issues" from last week, but I have a few days before I even have to think about actually addressing them (probably not good for me because I LOVE to run away from tough situations!).

Overre"acting"?

So, today was a new day. I had to leave early for work because we had icy streets. Lucky for me, I live less than 2 miles from work, so it worked out okay. I ended up with one patient for most of the day. Of course, she did all she could to keep me busy enough which was a tad bit annoying, but I actually should not complain. Everyone was giving me a hard time because it SEEMS like whenever I would be "first up" for an admission, we don't get any, but when the admissions are coming, it isn't my "turn". It is all in their imagination, I tell them! I do not TRY to be a "slacker nurse", it just HAPPENS sometimes! If "you" recall, the last shift I worked, I was responsible for five different patients, so I definitely CAN handle work!

It actually worked out very well that today wasn't busy for me, because one of my friends who works in another department was there all day. Some scenes from a film were being shot in "my" hospital and she was responsible for being there during the shoot. I was able to stop by a few times throughout my shift to visit, and then spent a little over 2 hours after my shift watching and "helping". In those two hours, they shot a "scene" that was roughly 15 seconds long--craziness! I did get to visit with some members of the crew, talked to the writer/director for a while, and rode in an elevator with Ellen Burstyn . I didn't get to be an extra this time, but probably could have been if I wasn't working!

So, that is kind of the "acting" portion of this post. The rest of it concerns what I wrote about last night. I was not planning on discussing my "issues" at work, because there are some choices that I have made that not all people would agree are right ones and I do not want to be judged for them. However, it kind of "slipped out" in a discussion about this person that I thought I had hurt her feelings and cried a lot about it. That brought the "whoa" if you are crying over it, then you need to get yourself out of the situation. Of course, that was said by someone who doesn't know that I cry easily and for many different reasons. However, it made me wonder if I really DID do something wrong, or if I am worrying about nothing. I suppose only time will tell on that, but for now I still feel pretty bad, but am going to try and hold back my tears.

I have a bit of thinking and praying to do, it's late, and I'm back to work "bright and early". So, good night.