She's Gone

Ivy came to live here just over 6 months ago.  It was challenging from the beginning. I kept thinking things would get better, but they never really did. On June 17th, I bawled all the way through my therapy appointment and she asked me the "real" question...why can't I just be a stepping stone for her to a place that fits her better? After months of misery, suffocating, drowning, feeling "stuck" in a hopeless situation, I finally got my "out"...and my family agreed that I was neither a "quitter" nor a "failure". Her needs were just MUCH too great for me, especially with working 12-hour shifts and having a medically needy foster child who gets visitation 5 days a week. I stressed out as much about her when I was away as when I was home. I didn't enjoy anything about having her here. She made it much more difficult to deal with Zoe and her needs, especially since I had no reserve left to tolerate any of her "behaviors". It has been awful.

So, on June 17th, I told her Guardian (her second cousin) I couldn't take it anymore, she needed to be placed elsewhere. Just over SEVEN weeks later, she moved into a group home. In those 7 weeks, I continued to get minimal/no support/respite from him or other members of his/her family. Those weeks were somewhat better since I knew an end was in sight, but very frustrating because that should have been the time I got the MOST help. Instead, I had to try and act like I wanted her here (which I wasn't very successful at doing) while her Guardian and the therapist tried to convince her that moving out was her idea and the best thing. Her Guardian did not seem to feel any sense of urgency and took weeks to fill out the appropriate paperwork (very frustrating seeing as when his wife had enough after a couple of weeks, they just kicked her out...and then it was presented to me that his wife was the "bad guy")

She will be much better off in a group home setting with more supervision and built in social. She has a lot of characteristics of Asperger's and has minimal insight/problem solving skills (yet her Guardian decided during the 7 weeks I waited for her to move that her having a driver's license was a good idea...one of the few things that could have made things more stressful). Her parting gift to me was washing and drying a towel filled with glass she had accidentally broken and didn't tell me about (she also took the bathroom rugs, towels, and toothbrush holder even though they weren't really "hers"). I wish I could say that I miss her, but I really don't miss anything about having her here...hopefully some day I can look back and find something positive to say about these six months, but right now, I'm just happy she is gone (and in a much better place).

Now, I have to focus on Zoe for however long she will be in my home. There was a placement hearing July 24 to discuss placing her with a relative. I was told to be prepared to testify, but didn't end up having to do that. It was a very stressful 20 minutes as we waited for the Judge's decision, but he decided not to allow a change in placement at this time. The next hearing to discuss placing her back with her mom is October 29, so I will at least have her until then. She has gained about 10 pounds in the 11 months she has lived with me and grown about 2 inches. Her vocabulary and language is improving all the time and I think her behavior will get better now that she's the only child in the house again (she was fine until there were two and then part of it was her and part of it was me just being to stressed [and likely depressed] to be able to handle it appropriately). She can name nearly all 11 of her medications and I believe could even tell you what order they go in. She is starting Kindergarten on the 14th and is happy about her "new teacher", "new school", and "Dora backpack". She's obsessed with the "Wizard of Oz" and also has been watching "Annie" and "Snow White". She doesn't really know (and neither does her mom), but I got permission to take her on an airplane vacation next month and am SO excited! I'm very much looking forward to it just being the two of us, even though I feel like I'll barely see her since school is 9:05-3:55 and she has visits 4-7 on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday plus visits 4:30-7 on Saturdays. I'm putting her in dance on Wednesday nights, so that will be "our" time.

I'm hoping to be a better "blogger" once school starts and I likely end up with more "down time" than I know what to do with ;) I joined a foster parent group on "fb" and that has been a great support to me during this time (and the time to come since, if I had to guess, I'd say Zoe would be home by Christmas).

So, it's been crazy around here, but that's what's been going on. I'm feeling a lot better from a mental health standpoint, that's for sure. It was pretty bad there for a while and I had no idea what to do since asking for respite never amounted to any help.

Until the next time...

Picture Update

It's been nearly two months since I posted anything here. In the six years since I started this blog, I've never gone that long. I have a lengthy post in my head that hopefully will make it here in the very near future, but I think pictures are a good way to ease back into the blogging world. Suffice it to say, things have been CRAZY the past two months. Since the next post will be about how I nearly lost myself and what I am doing now, it's best to have this reminder that not everything has been bad...

This Too Shall Pass

Maybe one of these days I'll get back to writing regularly. I know it has helped in the past when things have been challenging, but lately I just watch TV or take naps (although I have been reading a book, so maybe I'll also get into reading books too).

Things got even more crazy in the 2 1/2 weeks since I last wrote here. I got an email from the student advocate at Ivy's school, which is also the school where "the teen" is a senior (and where I went to school). Apparently, the teen is failing a number of classes and refuses to go in for help/do extra credit. Calls to her mom go unanswered and she is on a path of not being able to graduate. She asked if maybe I could try talking to her. I'd already been feeling guilty about not staying in touch, feeling resentful that Ivy lives here when I would much rather have her, and that email just sent me over the edge. I cried for hours, but got some great advice, one being simply "it's not your fault". Even though it was hard to swallow, that's the truth...and, also, she could still be acting like this even if I had stayed in touch (and then I would have felt like a failure instead of guilty, so maybe this is better...ha!) So, I figured out a way to arrange to meet her last week for coffee. She has somehow convinced herself that she will pass/graduate and that's all that matters. I'm not sure that's the case or if she just thinks they will make an exception for her (which they won't considering she has refused to put forth any effort). It was really hard seeing her like that, but also not pushing the issue by simply just reminding her how many sacrifices have been made to allow her to attend that school (she paid $50/month plus books to attend this year and someone else picked up the tab on the rest...she went mostly for free last year and her former foster family paid for the first three semesters...so, LOTS of sacrifices!) When she lived here, she had plans to go to the University and make a name for herself...I knew her mom was a "dream stealer", but I thought she had more fight in her than that. I helped her open a bank account last summer when she lived here and made myself the adult on her account since her mom is not responsible with money. Well, that backfired and she constantly sent it into overdraft these past couple of months. Today, I paid off the negative balance ($15.05) and closed it...after I had given her $200 to open it and she worked her tail off last summer with plans to save for college. I miss her so much and pray that some day she will once again realize that her dreams do matter and there can be more to life than living in the projects solely off government assistance. I did get to see her sister for the first time since August. She was really sweet, but also is going to have issues as she will start kindergarten in the fall without having had any sort of structure/schedule for two years.

Such is life post-reunification, right?! :(

This has been a good week with Ivy, but it's still been pretty rough. I had more than a couple of meltdowns and called her guardian last Saturday telling him that I'm not a quitter, but this is really hard. I think one of my big issues is that I didn't know I was signing up for this at all. She has way more issues than I could have imagined and I wasn't planning on being "the one" to give her the skills necessary to live independently. It has been a huge weight and I haven't been in a great place, especially after that "went down" with the teen (and the stuff going on with Zoe which is next). I hate feeling resentful and stressed out all the time. However, I have been asking for help quite a bit and everyone, especially her guardian, understands what a challenge she is. So, he (finally) got her into counseling and she started that a week ago. She likes the therapist and it sounds like they got quite a bit accomplished in the first meeting. We agreed that she's likely depressed (duh, she lost her grandparents, her mom, has no dad, no one in her extended family could/would take her, and she's living with a stranger...yeah, depressing!) and also really immature. She went back on Monday for personality testing, and maybe some other screenings to get more information. I am to go with her next Tuesday. One of her cousins took her shopping on Monday for Prom attire since it's this weekend. She'd been wishy washy about going which was also stressful to me because I have stuff going on this weekend that she technically would be able to attend with me, but I'd rather her not. She doesn't have many friends and couldn't find anyone to go with her. Yesterday, the person she was going to go with bailed, so she had all the stuff and no one to go with, so was pretty bummed. Today, someone else invited her into their group and they had all their plans in place, so now she is excited again. They are girls that I know since they go to my church, so that's cool that they stepped it up and invited her. I'm not sure how that all panned out since she is pretty awkward, but they are all nice girls and will be kind. It's nice to see her excited about things and I hope she does have fun.

Zoe, oh my little 5-year-old ball of energy. She's crazy and doesn't listen well at all, although I definitely try to keep her in line (and try not to yell, but it's really hard some times!) She still gets visits five days a week which is still annoying and makes for a lot of transitions. Maybe it will be better now that she will just come here for her treatment on days that I'm off instead of the extra transition to day care for her treatment and then back to my house. Last week, the case manager apparently accused me of sabotaging reunification and didn't talk to my foster care specialist or to her supervisor, but to the supervisor above her. All that because I nixed the idea of her mom coming to my house for visits?! Come on...a little hard to set boundaries when you don't speak the same language! Then, she tried to get my case manager removed from the case the following day because Zoe's mom thinks she looks mean and she thought she wasn't fair in wondering how/why Zoe's mom doesn't know more English when she's been here over 5 years and her daughter has significant medical needs. In neither case did she speak to us directly about her issues with us which is so childish. I've been bullied a lot in this case which is really frustrating. I didn't DO any of this (give her CF, have her mom be a single parent with limited skills, remove her from her home...), so really don't deserve any of this kind of treatment! Trying to manage her medical needs, her transportation, rearranging schedules when her mom cancels visits at the last minute, etc. is plenty without having other professionals tell me I'm not being patient/open/flexible/understanding enough. With the calls to the supervisor last week, I was nervous about the review hearing that was this past Monday. I hadn't been at all concerned since the next hearing to discuss relative placement isn't until the end of July, but it had me worried they were going to move her in some kind of vindictive move against me and my foster care specialist even though changing placement now would not be in her best interest. Thankfully, it sounds like things at court (mostly) remained professional. It came out that Zoe's mom has a VERY low IQ, so it will be interesting how/if that changes the way things are done/permanency plans. It doesn't really sound like she has enough intelligence to be able to grasp how/why Zoe needs special care. However, I suppose if she finds a stable person to live with, then maybe they will still plan for permanency with her, but they are not planning to review the case for SIX months (but still doing the hearing in July...the relative has kind of been MIA for a few weeks, so that doesn't look all that awesome either, but there is still time).

So, there have been lots of rough patches lately and I've still mostly been taking it day by day (that's all you can do, right?!), but so grateful for all those who help me get through each day (sometimes it takes more than one person to get me through a day!) I'm trying not to feel guilty about the teen and remind myself that she's 18, she had 16+ months of living with my love and encouragement and it is her turn to take that into her life away from here and know that I'm here no matter what (even when it's hard and I have to close her bank account). I've gotten lots of encouragement with the Ivy issue and a friend today told me that my job is mostly to model how a happy successful adult behaves and taking breaks from her (and Zoe) is part of that. Her guardian told me something similar. I'm looking forward to Zoe being out of school and hopefully am given the opportunity to spend more quality time with her and work on her behaviors/language skills that will make kindergarten tough if they remain the same. (Not so excited about Ivy being out of school for the summer, but hopefully she will have activities to keep her busy too!)

Hopefully I can write the post that's in my head related to community some time soon (even though this post included some of my thoughts).

Until the next time...

Alrighty Then

My foster care specialist came to see me and Zoe before I brought her to school. She said just go with this visitation schedule with me doing her treatments on the days I'm off and summer will be here soon, so staying up until past 10:00 on softball nights to do treatments won't be as big of a deal. Later in the afternoon, I got a call from the case manager for the first time since this stuff changed and the I believe first contact other than an email asking for Zoe's medication list in nearly a month. One of her first questions was asking if Zoe's mom could come to my house and do her treatments here on the days I'm off. I said I didn't feel comfortable with that and she asked why. I just said I didn't trust her and it just didn't feel like now is the right time to have that kind of open relationship (or something like that). I ended up posting that question on a foster parent fb group I'm in and the majority of people told me they would have said no as well, most giving reasons of their home being a "safe" place for the kids rather than it being a privacy or "selfish" reason. I like that, especially since Zoe doesn't listen to her mom, often to the point of being out of control/throwing tantrums and it would be painful to sit by and observe that behavior in my home (as my role would be observation rather than being the parent). I left a message for my foster care specialist, so hopefully she is comfortable with my decision to say no.

Ivy got home from her school trip around 3:30. She had been gone since leaving from school around 2:30 on Friday. Thursday night, she threw a tantrum while her guardian was here/after he left saying she didn't even want to go anymore (because we were talking to her about the classes she is failing and told her she needs to get help? "most" teenagers would be like "get me the heck out of here/I can't wait to get away from this for a while", right?!) But, her fb posts throughout the weekend were positive and she posted a number of pictures, so it appeared she enjoyed herself.

However, when I asked her about it, she said it was "ok" and proceeded to complain about everything--we did too much walking, we didn't follow the itinerary so we were late to some things, I didn't have time to souvenir shop, we stayed up too late, we had to get up too early, I have to unpack, I have to do laundry, I spilled syrup on my shirt (how did you do that? they had these little syrup things on the table and I didn't eat over the table...), my ears popped in the plane...alrighty then, I'm glad ONE of us had fun this weekend!

After that attempt at a conversation, she put in a load of laundry and then moped on the couch for 20 minutes before making a bagel and moping some more. She was in bed for a nap by 4:30.

Zoe got home from her visit at 7:15. Ivy was still sleeping and I thought she may sleep until morning, so I shushed Zoe and tried to keep her quiet, but Ivy ended up getting up. She muttered one or more things, but mostly pouted about having to put her clothes in the dryer and making her lunch for tomorrow. I asked her if she was going to continue to whine or what? She said no, but then made herself some pizza rolls and kept her distance from both me and Zoe.

She went back to bed at 8:15 and I had to "shush" Zoe (she was up until almost 10...oops). When I told her Ivy was sleeping, she said "Again?!" I know Zoe, I know...it's frustrating.

I guess her sleeping is better than her being awake and whining/pouting/complaining! Gotta love teenagers, but I definitely didn't expect that kind of response. She wore shorts all weekend for goodness sake and came home to freezing cold (she missed the snow flurries, but it was still cold!)

Hopefully her guardian understands the NEED for some therapy and also the need for her to have something to keep her occupied this summer because we will not survive without that!

Until the next time...

Just Keep Swimming

I can hardly believe how sporadically I've blogged since Zoe came to live here in September. It's only gotten worse since Ivy came to live here in February! I really need to blog more because it definitely helps...and it's really sad that I don't have time/energy to do it.

I don't remember it being this hard with the teenager and the little one last time, but this is a lot of work! Zoe has her medical needs, five day a week visits, school five days a week, and really isn't a great listener, especially when she is tired (which is most of the time because of her crazy schedule she has to keep because someone thought her mom needed to see her five days a week for three hours...it still sucks even after doing it for over seven months). I had NO idea what I was signing up for when I agreed to take Ivy. Unbeknownst to me, she has significant gaps in her social skills to the point that her guidance counselor told me they weren't sure she'd be able to live independently...say what?! I was totally unprepared for a 17-year-old with the maturity of a 12-year-old (my dad says she acts like she's 9 or 10, but I'll go with 12-13). It's not all her fault, but that doesn't make it any easier :(

Ivy has a guardian, but he is married, works full time, and has teenagers of his own. After my last counseling session, I asked if he and his family (sisters/brothers/nieces/nephews) could take her once a week for a few hours to help me in role modeling appropriate behavior so it isn't all on me. She annoys me so much and I feel bad saying it, but there really isn't much that is enjoyable about having her live here (other than knowing she is happy and that I'm "doing a good thing"). She irritates me even when she is sleeping, so I really hope that her guardian will get her counseling ASAP (as well as help me send her away to summer camp for a few weeks this summer...I can't wait for summer to be here so I can be with Zoe, but I'm kind of dreading summer with Ivy...can't have it both ways, unfortunately).

My family has been a huge help with Ivy (and Zoe) and I have a lot of support, but the day-to-day is still pretty stressful. Thankfully, work hasn't been awful, but I do work 12-hour shifts three days a week, so those days are tiring without having to come home to two former only children who want my undivided attention and I'm only one person.

Yes, I did sign up for this, so I often feel like I shouldn't complain (actually, one of my friends told me that God called me to do this and I obeyed, so maybe I can just blame Him ;) ) It's also difficult because my former teen doesn't seem to be doing so hot right now (my only "contact" has been seeing her bank account be depleted by her mom and her advisor telling me she's failing a couple of classes...hopefully she will graduate and be able to get out of the house, but things don't sound good). I try to quickly send away my guilty feelings about not being able to do anything for her right now because I'm stretched to the max with the two kids I have living here (I do pray for her and have sent a couple of texts, but that's about all I can do and I don't like that).

 Zoe is getting big (I think she weighs over 41 pounds now! She turned 5 last week) and her cystic fibrosis is finally under control. It took a LOT of work to get to a stable point and we are still doing nebulized antibiotics every day along with her 10 other medications, but she's pretty darn healthy by cystic fibrosis standards and I'm proud of that. Her verbal skills are coming along, although it's still frustrating that they wouldn't ever consider a speech evaluation and just chalk it up to being bilingual. I'm going to see if I can get someone to help me with my Spanish so we can practice that here at home too. I'm not sure what way this case will go, but I've experienced some reverse discrimination since I'm not Hispanic and don't speak Spanish (even though Zoe has me read books to her in Spanish all the time...I don't think I butcher them TOO badly!) The next hearing to talk about relative placement isn't until July 24 and it doesn't sound like they will try to place with mom before then, but who knows. (I'm trying not to think about the possibility of her going home and leaving me alone with Ivy...I don't know how I'd survive without a "buffer", but hopefully things will have drastically improved before it comes to that!)

Here are some pictures...it isn't ALL bad, but it's nice to get some of the stressful stuff off my chest :)

Until the next time...

To Be Continued

I was as prepared as I was going to be to testify at the hearing for Zoe's case today. I was being called to testify to all her medical needs. I didn't realize so many people were being called to testify when the motion being discussed was in regards to relative placement. They sequestered all those who could/would testify, but my worker stayed in the courtroom (with my stuff including my iPad and phone which would have been nice to have out there in the lobby!)

An hour and a half later, we watched the District Attorney leave and realized that the hearing was not going to finish today. Apparently, the Judge asked for another date with two hours available for more testimony. They only got through 2 1/2 people today. No one knows how long it will be to find a court date--could be weeks or months. In the mean time, Zoe stays with me and continues visitation (although it sounds like they are going to increase visitation in a kind of "sink or swim" kind of test which isn't going to be much fun, but I guess the "best" way).

I'm off this weekend and we have some fun things planned, including a first birthday party for my nephew on Sunday and a show at the Children's Theater tomorrow. Ivy talks non-stop when we are together and Zoe wants a lot of attention when she's here (because she's 4 and also used to being an only child), so I'm thankful that I have time at the end of the day to relax and have my own time. I'm learning some things about ADD from my twitter friends and may need to read up on it so I can better understand her (rather than getting REALLY irritated at the things she says/the way she behaves).

I'm not setting an alarm since I have no where to go in the morning and Zoe will get up early enough!

Until the next time...

Long Overdue

Zoe has lived with me six months today. Her schedule keeps me on my toes (treatments, medications, school, visits five days a week, plus being almost five!), but we have so much fun when we actually can spend time together :) The snow day pictures are from a couple weeks ago, but new to the blog :)

Her mom goes back to court on Friday. Her mom's lawyer is going to ask for her to be placed with mom's sister. Zoe's GAL came this morning and wouldn't tell me or my worker if he was in support of that move or not. However, he informed me that I will be called to the stand to testify and explain all of her treatments, medications, diet, and what her daily schedule looks like. Even though I know it by heart, it is still nerve wracking to think about speaking on the stand in front of people critiquing my every word. I know I need to stick to the facts and not put any emotion into my answers, but it isn't going to be easy.

This afternoon, we had a family team meeting. What I took away from that meeting is that the State isn't going to recommend placement with the aunt at court, but I am cautiously optimistic and know that I could easily be wrong. There was discussion about the case manager coming to see us at my house next week and a family team meeting next month, so hopefully I'm not reading too much into that (they also weren't quick to say that the aunt can provide supervision for the mom, so that also makes me think they aren't 100% on board with a move...at least not this week). The cultural liaison made a backhanded compliment saying that Zoe's mom just isn't as firm (aka parent-like ;) ) with her as I am to make her behave and she needs to work on that. Other than that, she didn't speak to me much. It's still annoying that she thinks three hour visits five days a week isn't enough, but I'm trying to just go with the flow as much as I can...it doesn't do any good to fight that which is out of my control anyway.

Ivy drives me bonkers a lot of the time, but she is making progress in some areas, so I need to take some deep breaths and try to focus on those. I find myself biting my tongue a lot and reminding myself to pick my battles and that some things just don't require a response. She is used to being an only child who could do pretty much whatever she wanted/eat whatever she wanted. She's a nice girl, but socially awkward with seemingly limited critical thinking skills. (I was told tonight that people with ADD have no filter, so that helps ;) ) Last week, she was fighting with Zoe because Zoe moved the hallway rug to be by her room instead of by Ivy's to the point that she took it from Zoe and hid it so she couldn't have it. I was sitting on the couch laughing and wondering if this was really happening. Tonight, she spilled an entire glass of milk all over the table, the floor, and the chair and chalked it up to being a klutz. Later during dinner, Zoe dripped a little bit of her milk and it was the end of the world and Ivy couldn't BELIEVE that Zoe would spill her milk like that, etc. because HERS was just an accident and Zoe was messing around. Seriously, this is happening in my house. She said she likes dinner better when it is just us and I wanted to tell her that Zoe was here first and dinner time was much less stressful before she came, but of course I didn't say anything. 

She is doing a lot better at cleaning up after herself (and putting away the dishes and laundry which is both of our stuff) and she actually tasted chili last night (she is super picky and rarely willing to try new things). Her grades were better this quarter than they were last semester, and she does seem happy (even though she complains a lot and gets all worked up over little things like Zoe moving my keys/putting her shoes in places where I can't always find them).

Some days are better than others, but such is life as a parent. I still believe that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, even though it is often exhausting and challenging to have so little control over what's going on in my life. I don't want Zoe to go home (or to her aunt's)...at least until Ivy stops driving me crazy because I need that buffer/distraction/reason to walk away. 

Things are still good, but I had no idea how hard this was going to be...even though there was no reason to think that parenting other peoples' children would be easy ;)

Until the next time...I could use some prayers/good thoughts, especially come Friday afternoon when I'm on the stand advocating for Zoe while just stating the facts. Court is at 1:15 CST.

Adjusting

Two things I need to remember:

Parenting is hard.
Parenting two kids who are not yours/you did not give birth to is hard.

Ivy moved in just over a week ago (on February 3). Apparently, she told everyone at school she is really excited to be living here (she even cried tears of happiness when talking to her English teacher about having her own room). I went to my/her high school fundraiser on Saturday night and I was thanked over and over for taking her in and told what a great thing it is. Those things definitely help and will also be things I need to remember as we adjust to living together (since she will be here at least 15 more months...not that I'm counting or anything).

She is a really picky eater and told my parents and me that she wasn't encouraged to try new things (really?!) She was super jealous that Zoe got to have a visit at McDonald's last week...um, not going there if we can help it! She loves sugary junk food and I don't think she's eaten a single vegetable since she's been here. My parents usually have dinner at their house on Sundays and they will help encourage her to try things/eat more healthy (love my parents!) She also doesn't seem accustomed to cleaning up after herself (as in, spilling milk from her cereal on the table and leaving it, not rinsing off her syrupy plate...) I have had her help clear off the dinner table/help with dishes, so I'm hoping the rest will come.

It's only been a week...baby steps...and lots of patience. But, I can see how someone not in the right frame of mind to be patient during a transition could freak out and be done with it/her.

Zoe's case has really been stressing me out and also really emotional. Sometimes I feel like I'm the one on trial with traps being set to see what I will do. I think the severity of her medical needs has been swept aside and the issue more often addressed is culture/language (which sometimes ends in pointed fingers that I am not bilingual or of her same culture...). I have been treated pretty poorly by the cultural liaison, but hopefully that has been addressed (not before lots of stress and tears).

Last week, I had to leave work because Zoe had a fever at school. My job is not really something you can leave in the middle of, but luckily someone was on call. Unfortunately, she had just left to walk her dog and was 20 minutes away from home. I need a better back-up plan, but who can (or wants to) watch a sick foster kid with medical needs? No one. So, it took me 2 1/2 hours to pick her up after the initial call that she had a fever. My patients were a mess and I felt awful leaving my co-worker to clean up everything. I hope she didn't have a horrible day. She was sobbing when I got there and did not look like she felt well at all, so I felt awful. However, she started talking as soon as we got in the car and the highest temperature I got at my house was 100.9 (it was up to 102.7 at school). She actually quietly played for a little while before I had her take a nap. I tried calling the case manager multiple times to cancel the visit and she finally responded with a text that they "don't cancel visits for that". I completely lost it and continued to cry for well over an hour. I had to wake her up to send her on a visit (which ended up being at McDonald's and then at her aunt's house with a five-month-old baby present...making matters even worse). So, I missed most of that day of work and had to call in sick on Friday which meant I only worked one shift and I doubt I have enough PTO to cover the rest of the hours not cool.

The tears were likely worse because the day before at our family team meeting, there was discussion about moving to semi-supervised visits which makes me want to vomit. Also, it "came up" during the meeting that her visit would be canceled, so I had to rearrange my entire afternoon AND evening in order to get her from school and get her treatment done and medication given (since I had already dropped everything off at the day care). The case manager said "so, can you get her from school?" I was kind of rude, but said "well, I'm not going to LEAVE her there!" I love spending time with Zoe and we had a good afternoon with Ivy (and also on Friday when Ivy happened to be off school too).

So, we are adjusting as good as can be expected I guess. I know things will get better (and worse, and better again ;) ). On Zoe's non-sick-sick day, we made a Valentine's Day canvas for her mom...since it was fun and also proof I'm not heartless. We also went to a bilingual show at the children's theater, so take that cultural liaison ;)

Your support and prayers are much appreciated!
Until the next time...

(I added 2013 to the bottom, but not her name since there

isn't one consistent spelling of it...nice since she's going to 

Kindergarten in the fall.)

Moving In

I found out on Thursday that Ivy's background check is complete, so she could move in whenever. I told her Guardian and he let her know. She was so excited that she texted me right away. Earlier in the week, she had asked to be my fb friend and she also posted right away on fb how excited she was to move in. Last night, she listed me as her "mother" on fb (so she is my daughter on mine...) I'm really glad she is so excited, but I'm really rather nervous about the whole thing!

The past week has been rough dealing with "the system" and running all around town for Zoe-related things. I've been told that Ivy is a laid back kind of girl and Zoe is REALLY good at transitions, so that helps a lot. I know that I just need to be patient with myself more than anything! The girls will be fine and everything will be great if we take things slowly and give each other time to adjust to the "new normal" that hopefully won't be "crazy town" for too long! I think that simply knowing that I will need to create balance for myself and both girls as well as understanding that things won't be "perfect" right away (or ever, because what's perfect?!) will help me a lot. Also, having a lot of support will be awesome :)

In Zoe news, we will have a family team meeting on Wednesday. The manager of her day care will be there and the new case manager has said it will be a meeting to iron out the details and get everyone on the same page. I'm really excited about that!

Well, there's the update from here. I pretty much cleared off the kitchen table and will tidy up the living room during Zoe's treatment in the morning. My bedroom remains a disaster and I need to get all my tax stuff together before next Saturday's appointment, but at least the (main level) "shared" areas will be presentable.

Your good thoughts and prayers for all of us during this transition are much appreciated :)

Dealing with a Bully

I suppose I'm lucky that I never experienced bullying growing up (and REALLY grateful I don't have to grow up during a time when cyber bullying is everywhere). I'm also lucky that I work in a place that, while it is often gossip laden (hello...nursing is almost all females and females just like to gossip, I guess), has not been a place that I have been bullied (at least not without it getting quickly stopped). I'm also grateful that I have gotten a lot stronger in being able to stand up for myself and my needs (thank you years of therapy and dealing with a narcissistic biological mom for 16+ months).

With that being said, I am saddened that I have constantly been bullied by someone who works for the agency that pretty much runs the foster care system in my State. The cultural liaison has been on my case from the beginning, making jabs at me, trying to make me look bad in front of other professionals, making me feel guilty for wanting to spend time with Zoe, etc. This weekend, though, she took the bullying to a whole new level and my caseworker is PISSED! We got a new case manager last week and she is aware of past behaviors and received multiple calls and texts from me this weekend about what occurred.

Zoe has visits with her mom five days a week (yes, it totally sucks!). She goes to school from 9-3:30, then gets picked up and has a visit with her mom until 7:00. Drop off at my house is between 7:15 and 7:30 (or she stays at the day care until I pick her up at 8 after work). So, she has LONG days. I often work at least one of the weekend days, so those days she is at day care from 6:15 AM-8:00 PM (thankfully, she loves the kids at the day care and is an angel when her mom isn't around, so they are okay having her for that long :) )

Zoe's mom canceled her visit on Thursday which left me scrambling to find her a ride from school to day care (God bless the woman I met at Curves who got a background check and has been helping me with transportation). Then, she canceled her visit again on Friday which meant I had to back out of judging Junior High history projects that I had agreed to do.

On Saturday afternoon, I received a voice mail from the cultural liaison while I was at work. She wanted to know if Zoe could have a visit with her mom on Sunday (to make up for the two she canceled...seriously?!) I called my caseworker and the case manager to see what the deal was and pumped myself up to call this woman back because I knew I needed to stay strong. Zoe and I had plans on Sunday to attend a party and then have family dinner with my parents, but I decided I could let her go from 3-5:30. She informed me that the visits were canceled since mom got a new job and it was really important she gets to see her daughter (even though she had gone to the school twice to see her and had visits on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, so it isn't like she hadn't seen her in a long time). I let her know that we did have plans, but she would be available for a little while.

Then, on Sunday morning, the cultural liaison called me while we were at church. She said she couldn't transport/supervise the visit and asked if I could. Are you kidding me?! Her mom doesn't speak a lick of English and is mentally ill. Zoe speaks Spanish when she's with her mom and also acts like a maniac. Why in the world would I subject myself to that? I called the case manager and she said I could say no and told me thank you for being flexible. When I called the cultural liaison to tell her I couldn't/wouldn't do that, she tried to bully me into it. She told me that I should try to have a better relationship with Zoe's mom (hello, learn English and I'll learn Spanish?) and that "most" foster parents would supervise. She pretty much told me I was a bad foster parent for not wanting to make this happen, but I stood my ground and said I did not feel comfortable supervising a visit (plus, it was last minute notice and I had agreed to make Zoe available for a visit). I'm proud of myself for standing up for myself (and for not crying!) I let my caseworker and the case manager know that I felt she did this to try to set a trap for me and that she pretty much said I was a bad foster parent and I don't deserve to be treated that way. I really like the new case manager and I hope she will be able to get this woman under control and let her know she cannot treat foster parents like crap.

In other news, we had a family team meeting scheduled for last Tuesday. The new/old case manager (she was on the case from January 1 until last Tuesday) and the new case manager were there along with my caseworker and myself. The mom couldn't come and neither could the cultural liaison (I think this is the third family team meeting the mom has missed, there wasn't one in December, and we had our first one in September, so these "family team meetings" have rarely included her mom). So, we were able to talk freely. At that time, I informed the new case manager of some of the issues I had already had with the cultural liaison and concerns I have about the case and plans for moving forward. She told me (and my caseworker) that she didn't think the relative would qualify to provide relative placement (or adoption if this eventually ends in termination...I'm not sure Zoe's mom will ever be able to care for her special needs). That was quite a different story than I'd heard for the past four months. She wasn't sure if there was a concurrent plan, but asked if I'd be willing to adopt Zoe if the case ends up going that way (which would take YEARS). I said of course (as long as she can still have Medicaid since there is no way I can afford her medications or her medical day care).

Zoe is still super fun, even though she keeps me really busy (not just her...all the phone calls and arrangements that I have to do while she's at school all day long!) Since her mom canceled her visit on Friday and I was off, we made a quick stop at the Zoo and went out to dinner. Here are some pictures. I love shopping for her and she always gets compliments on her clothes and shoes :)

Worried for Nothing

I was running a little behind this morning getting Zoe ready for school, her treatments and medications given, and getting myself ready for court. After I dropped her off at school, I realized that I was still wearing the purple moccasins I put on to take out of the trash instead of dress shoes...oops. Thankfully, I made it there on time...only to discover that there wasn't really a hearing today.

We thought it was an evidentiary hearing (because that's what the Judge said in December) to talk about placement with her aunt. I was there, along with my worker, her mom, aunt, and the cultural liaison. It turned out just to be a check/review with only attorneys and workers talking to the Judge. So, I think everything is going to stay the same at least until the actual evidentiary hearing on March 8.

Unfortunately, the non-hearing hearing wasn't without drama. I have had issues with the "cultural liaison" since the beginning. She seems to not like me for some reason and I guess the feeling is mutual. She always seems to find really hurtful things to say (which then upsets me more that I let her get to me). She also has NO CLUE what it takes to take care of Zoe and refuses to acknowledge the fact that her mom HAS NOT been taking good care of her for the past four years which is why she is so sick now. Yes she has a chronic, progressive disease, but one of the big reasons she is so sick this early in her life is because of medical non-compliance on the part of her mom. Today, my worker pointed out that her mom continues to be non-compliant with Zoe's specialized diet. The cultural liaison said something to her mom which had an excuse and then she basically told us we were wrong...even though I have a notebook with (nearly) every single thing her mom has given her to eat and drink the past 4+ months. Then, she said something to me that I found rude/hurtful (my worker didn't think she meant it this way, but I did)--she basically said that the only reason Zoe hasn't been in the hospital since she's been with me is because I have a "relationship" with the team (as in, her mom wasn't given a chance to properly take care of her outside the hospital or something else equally ridiculous).

It is so frustrating that she sees me as the bad guy for some reason. She "reminds" me all the time that Zoe should be with her family. I agree that kids should be with their family IF they can properly take care of them! Her mom gets visits five days a week from right after school until 7:00. So, after her visits, I have to get her a snack, bath, book, and to bed at a decent hour (try to anyway). On the mornings I am off, I get her up, get her treatments done and medications given and get her to school. She thinks her aunt should have visits separate from her mom, meaning weekend visits. I'm all about Zoe getting to see her family, but I don't want to be her chauffeur and the one doing all her "cares" and never get to just "be" with her or do any sort of entertainment activity. We both like to go places--shopping, out to eat, to the Zoo, the Children's Museum, shows at the children's theater, play with my friends' kids and my nephews, etc. and it is already limited to the weekend (if I'm off!) because we can't do anything during the week (I can't do really anything during the week either!) I DO understand that she's "not my kid", but this schedule would be completely impossible if I had other children/responsibilities. Pretty much my entire life revolves around Zoe, so I don't feel guilty about feeling "entitled" to some fun times with her.

Anyway, that's a super long post about how "nothing" happened today and I should have Zoe for another two months. She still has a lung infection, but they are going to let me continue to treat her at home with nebulized antibiotics and oral antibiotics...such is life with cystic fibrosis :(

Until the next time...