Yikes!

Wow, it's been a while since I have written here (10 days to be exact!) The ups and downs and post-reunification drama has continued. I'm continuing to do the best I can and continue to be blessed by amazing people when I need love and support the most. Last week, I saw my "Spiritual Director" and went out with a foster/adoptive mom friend for her birthday. This week I see my Therapist and have lunch plans with two "old" friends (one I haven't seen in probably three years and the other I haven't seen in months). Tonight I got my hair cut for the first time since before my nephew was born in March and got to be at my mom and dad's for "family dinner".

I'm trying to fix up my "junk" room into a room that could be the "main" bedroom for a future placement. My aunt came over last week to help with that. I told the agency that I would start accepting phone calls in September since I had to sign up to work extra shifts in August and don't feel like that would be fair to a placement. Of course, that's "my" plan and I will keep an open mind and believe I will know if it feels right before then.

I love the teen so much, but the past week she has been acting very "teenager-like" and it isn't at all fun. I know she is struggling with adjusting to how things are with her mom after living here for seven weeks. I also know that it is much easier to lash out at me than her mom (I'm pretty scared of her mom too), so I'm trying not to take it personally. She is still not registered for school, even though it starts in less than a month.

This is really scattered and I'll try to write more details of what's been going this week some time (with updates as they come as it seems to change on a day-to-day basis).

Until then, good night.

Parent...or Friend?

I had a really rough night's sleep last night, which doesn't happen very often (thank goodness!) I woke up with my sheets all twisted up and then tossed and turned in what felt like a half asleep/half awake state with continued twisted sheets for a while. My stomach was churning so I got up to the bathroom a couple of times and finally was able to go to sleep...only to have some pretty interesting dreams before my alarm went off at 5:30 since I had a class at work that started at 7.

I had a hard time falling asleep too since my mind keeps cycling through different conversations and ways to handle the teenager "situation". I think that's what upset my stomach in the middle of the night too and why it was so hard to go back to sleep.

As I last wrote, she went home on Sunday after spending nearly seven weeks living here. During those weeks, I tried talking to her about this "fairy tale" she is living and get her to talk about her plans for the future/what she wants/how she sees my role in her life. But, as is the case whenever she is asked to speak, she shuts down and refuses to talk about anything significant. I spent all weekend trying to figure out how to tell her that I can't keep coming to the rescue, but that doesn't mean I'll stop loving her and caring about her...I never could get the words to come out (I'm pretty good at avoiding the tough stuff too).

My "plan" was to let her get adjusted at home for a few days and then come Wednesday or Thursday, I'd send her an "I love you" text, just so she remembered that I still care.

Then, Tuesday night, I was getting ready for bed and had just jotted down in my notebook where I keep all contact/communication information should I need it at a later date that I didn't have contact with the teen or her mom. I had a few missed texts from her mom within a minute of her calling at 10:09 PM to tell me that her aunt was supposed to pick up the teen from work, but she wasn't answering her phone. So, the teen had been waiting there at work for a while and didn't have a ride home. I let her know that I was in my pajamas and had to work the next day and she said the teen could just stay here overnight since it was closer or she could have the teen get a cab. She actually sounded pretty upset, even saying "I just can't rely on my family...I'm sorry I have to ask you..." So, I got in my car and picked up the teen from work.

She was a little more quiet than usual and texted a lot while we watched Pretty Little Liars (I was wondering how long I was going to have to save it on my DVR since I wasn't going to watch it without her...we always watch it together!) She told me that she had stayed the night before at her aunt's house (so, she only stayed Sunday night at her mom's). I asked if she had talked to her mom about school stuff and she said no. I reminded her again when I called her Wednesday afternoon from work that she can't wait, she needs to talk to her mom ASAP about the plans. I told her to think about what she wants and how this is going to work (because this is only the beginning of them having difficulty getting her home from work).

So, after an hour nap to offset my rough night's sleep, I called my trusty caseworker for a "pep talk". She knows the teen's mom (and the teen) and knows how things work with them. She also knows me really well. She agreed that I can't continue to be used by her mom and be expected to drop everything to help her/them. She encouraged me to sit the teen down and tell her that she HAS to make a decision about what she wants to do for school (since it starts in less than 5 weeks and she isn't enrolled anywhere and hasn't had her physical yet). She has to decide what she wants her future to look like and resolve those issues...I cannot do it for her...and she cannot continue to wait and see how it all works out because this isn't just going to "fix" itself.

She suggested I set a deadline for her and stick to the boundary of not dropping everything to help. As we talked, it became more clear the "parent" role versus the "friend" role. Even though I have done MANY things as a parent would/should treat her, I also like having her here as good company. So, I also have to "suck it up" and know that even if she feels let down/abandoned/like I'm being "mean" and is angry/upset for weeks (months?!), eventually, she will remember that I really have been there for her and teaching her how to make decisions and speak for herself is a skill she has to learn...even though it is hard. She won't avoid me forever because our relationship is too strong for that (even though it may FEEL like "forever"). It is making me sick worrying about if/when I'll be called if/when the next "crisis" occurs and that isn't fair (considering both of them are in their fairy tale lands where all is fine...), so I need to take steps to take care of myself too.

I realize that this is what other people have probably been trying to tell me, but it took talking it out this afternoon for me to understand that giving her a little extra push will hurt, but it will be for the best for both of us.

Will definitely update as I have time on how this all is working out...

Back Home

I brought the teen back home this afternoon. I actually haven't cried since before I brought her, so that's nine tear-free hours ;)

Her mom actually got home on Friday (July 6), but the teen decided she wanted to stay until after her work meeting yesterday since a friend offered to pick her up from my house. Then, she made plans to do something with another friend she hasn't see all summer that ended up falling through (that friend does that to her all the time, unfortunately). But, still she stayed...and I cried wondering when she was going to go home (and going through conversations in my head of how to talk to her about me needing to set boundaries without hurting her feelings/having her feel like I don't care anymore because I have to protect my heart too...) 

Then, she came out of her room and told me we should go to a movie. Um, okay, sure, of course, I'd love to hang out with you some more. So, we went to a 2:30 showing of the movie Ted. We both laughed :) I needed that...and am sure she did too. We were home before dinner time and still no word from her on when I was going to be taking her home. 

Even though she wouldn't admit it, it definitely felt like she was procrastinating going home. I was torn between not wanting to drag on the inevitable and enjoying the extra hours/minutes she was giving us (and it was "almost" as torturous as her angry "threat" earlier in the week of leaving without saying good-bye). At one point, she said she had been trying to get in touch with her mom, but she hadn't responded yet and told me "it would be stupid to go home if she isn't there". Okay, interesting logic since you have a key, but I'll just go with it... Just after 9:00, her mom called her and they decided she would just stay the night again since it was late and her mom wasn't going to get a window a/c until today and it's hot.

I watched five (or six) movies yesterday. Most of them we watched together. We watched lots of movies together the past couple of weeks (ever since I got the LMN...ha!) I tried to talk to her, but pretty much chickened out in saying much more than I love her and will miss her. 

We were up past 1:00 watching a movie, but I go to 11:00 church, so it was okay :) I told her I'd bring her home after church. When I got home, I noticed right away that she'd washed all the dishes that were piled up in the sink (as if I needed another reason to miss having her around!) She was in her room listening to music even though she had to have heard me get home. I waited about 20 minutes before knocking on her door to see what the plan was. She sighed and said she hadn't gotten in touch with her mom, but we should go anyway. She commented on the number of bags she had (3 plus her laptop) and I reminded her that she's been living here for seven weeks, so that's understandable. She refused to let me help her with them.

The drive back to her house was pretty quiet with her staring out her window. I told her that I loved her, reminded her to talk to her mom about the school stuff since it starts in six weeks, encouraged her not to give up on what is important to her and to fight for herself. She tried to get out of the car without a hug, but of course I didn't let her ;)

She's supposed to do a volunteer thing with me on Saturday morning, so I should see her then, but I have no idea what to expect in the days between now and then. My "plan" is to try and be on the "down low" and leave them be for a while to readjust to life together (seven weeks is a long time!) I will not commit to saying "no" this week because I know that if the teen asks me to pick her up from work (or bring her somewhere), I won't be able to say no to her. They do need to figure out how to function without me, but I'm not going to stop loving her and wanting what's best for her.

This could be a rough week (for both of us), but she needed to go home so they can discuss the plans for the future and work through their issues.

Until the next time...

Fireworks

This has been a tough week...at home and at work. I'm working the holiday, so that's 3 days in a row (yesterday, today, and tomorrow). We have busy patients and lots of them. Yesterday was a hard day since I was still dealing with the events of the night before. I got some great advice from mom's of teens and was encouraged to "let it go". I did break down in tears a couple of times, but not until after I got a call for another placement--a 17-year-old girl and her toddler--who needed temporary placement. I had to turn it down because I had no clue what was going on with "my" 17-year-old and wasn't emotionally in the right place to jump right in. The caseworker who called me filled in when mine was on leave and she is great too. She told me she was on call for the holiday and to call if I needed anything...I love my agency!

As it turned out, the teen did decide to come back to my house after work yesterday. (She answered my calls to the house twice yesterday, so I figured she'd come around, but wasn't sure...she really did pack her bags.) She was asleep when I got home from going to a baseball game/fireworks show with my family.

Today she has been more "normal", but not quite back to her chatty self. I got advice to not mention what happened and let her talk about it if/when she's ready. I think both of us overreacted and were dealing with the upcoming changes in our own way. Also, she's a teenager and teens can be kinda crazy sometimes. Also, I KNOW she's going through a lot of emotions. She hasn't seen her siblings (or any relatives for that matter) in over a month...and that is her MOM'S doing, not the State's "fault". She has to be feeling at least some sort of feeling of abandonment (considering this isn't the first time her mom has "left" her), even though she is in a safe and loving place and also loves her mom.

So, the combination of the two of us and our "messes" didn't jive too well, but it did get me some great advice, love, and support from amazing friends :)

Her mom texted me today that she'll be home tomorrow (and her mom is coming with her...shocker) and "thanks for everything"...at least she gives me some "thanks", even though she has no clue what I really have done/do because I love her daughter the way a mom should.

So, she'll be going home soon...and then I wait and see what happens from there. They need to learn how to work things out without me, so I am sure I'll need some pep talks on saying no...that's going to be tough.

Back to work tomorrow, but at least all seems well here at home and for that I am grateful.

Not How I Planned It

As I type this, the teen is packing up her room. She said she is going home tomorrow, even though her mom won't be back until who knows when (I haven't talked to her in days).

Today was the second day in a row that she was either ignoring me or responding rudely. After spending an hour bawling on the couch/at the kitchen table waiting for her to come out of her room for  food or a bathroom break or something (she'd been in her room over three hours), she finally emerged. I asked her what was up, she said nothing and refused to talk...and then returned to her room locking the door behind her.

So, my emotions got the better of me and I started pounding on her door without any response (except for an "I'm sleeping"). I then got a screwdriver and unlocked the door, telling her I would take the doorknob off if I had to break in. All I got out of her word wise was that I had "gotten annoying" that I was "overreacting", "being a crazy lady", and that she was going home tomorrow. For full disclosure, I did yell through the door that no one said she had to stay here and I didn't appreciate the way she was treating me.

I sat on her bed for about 10 minutes while she texted someone. I told her I loved her (many times) and that I was not kicking her out. I reminded her that I would always be here for her and never stop loving her. I did apologize for unlocking her door, but as my sister told me, "if she is living there for free, she should be respectful and communicate. You definitely have the right to unlock the door."

One friend told me "letting them go is often the hardest but can also be the best lesson. Let it be..." and so I dried my eyes (well, there may not have been any tears left anyway) and know that she is right. Another reminded me that she loves me and I love her...so this isn't really going to be "the end"...

it's just not how I planned it to be...and it sucks...and hurts really, really bad...

Six Weeks

If my "notebook of notes" serves me correctly, tomorrow will mark six weeks since the teen came to "live" here. She did go home for three nights during the first couple weeks (and Wednesday will mark four weeks since her mom left town). School let out for her just under six weeks ago, so she has hardly been home since school got out for the summer.

I guess it makes sense why my summer has seemed SO crazy busy now that I put all that into perspective! We've gone to (at least) half a dozen baseball games, the zoo, for a walk on a local bridge, volunteered at an event for my foster care agency, and watched hours of television. We have shared dozens of meals, gone shopping, and sunbathed in the front yard. Plus, both of us have been working.

She is working hard and making good money. Unfortunately, I am very suspicious that she has wired money to her mom twice (she is still out of town because she doesn't have money to get back). I haven't talked to her about it, but it makes me really sad. (Her mom called me last Monday and asked me to help the teen save money...apparently that doesn't include telling her not to give her mom money.)

Today she pretty much ignored me all day long. When she did respond to me, it was either really short or with a lot of attitude. She told me her allergies were acting up, but that doesn't really explain the way she was acting. I posted it on twitter and my awesome "tweeps" thought maybe she is getting nervous about going home, so taking it out on the person she trusts (and know cares about her). Maybe she really does realize that this "fairy tale" is coming to an end and is trying to push me away to help ease the blow. Another "theory" is that I'm over sensitive right now and her actions are more "typical" teenager behavior, just not the typical teenage behavior I get from her. She does deserve to have some space and I wasn't so much irritated with her ignoring me as her attitude whenever I tried to talk to her. Our dinner was mostly in silence.

I hate it when she's like that.

And, as much as I hate to say it, I think she needs to go home (aka her mom NEEDS to come home and take care of her kid). Even if it is for a little while and she decides she wants to come back, she needs to go home and work things out with her mom. Right now, she is not enrolled in any school for her Senior year. So, they REALLY need to talk about that. If she (somehow) ends up at the same school she's been attending for the past three years, it starts in less than seven weeks. If she ends up changing schools, she will need to be enrolled wherever that will be and start dealing with the emotions of that. Where she goes to school is completely out of my control and the teen can't make any decisions on that without her mom.

So, even though today was awfully quiet and not a whole lot of fun, maybe it was good preparation for the day (likely later this week) when she is no longer a constant presence here. It will be a rough transition for both of us, but I think it's time for a "break"...and for me to sit back and allow them to work out their issues without me. I can't always be the one to come to the rescue when the going gets tough, even though I will always love her and be here for her.

Her mom said she'd be home tomorrow or Friday (or maybe some day in between there?) What a life she lives...it takes all sorts, right?!

Until the next time...