Change Is Coming

Last Wednesday afternoon, I got a call from the Principal at my high school (also where "the teen" is a Senior...wow!). One of the Juniors (I'm going to call her Ivy) lost her mom right before Thanksgiving. She was a single mom whose parents had helped raise Ivy until they both died within the last two years. Her mom had one sister who is also deceased. It sounds like all she has is one first cousin (who lives 1200 miles away and has a baby with a brain tumor) and a couple second cousins, none of which are all that close. One of her second cousins became her Guardian and took her in while her mom was sick (she died within 5 weeks of finding out she had cancer). Unfortunately, his wife has a mental illness and lashed out at Ivy early last week and gave him an ultimatum that either Ivy goes or she does. Ivy has been living with her friend from school whose parents are going through a divorce. So, she needs a place to live and someone to love on her and help her "grow up"...and my name came up in conversations at the school. I said "sure" (of course!) and met Ivy last Friday. She actually was pretty open about herself and what had been going on (even though she is shy and likely a bit "socially awkward" among her peers). They were planning to give her a couple of options and let her decide.

Unfortunately, it hasn't been that simple. Because I am a foster parent (who has current placement), anyone over the age of 16 living here must have a background check. I COMPLETELY understand the rationale behind that, but background checks have been taking up to two months in my State. That is way too long for this girl to wait :( After some disheartening words from my mom and sister (both of them asked if I would get "paid" as their first response upon hearing her story...I wondered how it is that I am related to them :( ), my parents said that Ivy could stay with them until her background check is done and she can "officially" live with me. I talked to my caseworker today and she said that once it's in the works, she can hang out here and maybe even stay the night, I just can't leave her alone with Zoe and can't/shouldn't broadcast that she is "living" here. Of course, she still has to "choose" my home as where she wants to be, but things seem to be headed in that direction. I am meeting with her Guardian tomorrow to see what he thinks.

So, if you could be in prayer for her and for me as this will be quite an adjustment. I haven't yet told the teen that "her" room will no longer be "hers"...even though she hasn't stayed the night here in nearly three months. I have barely talked to her since Zoe came to live here, but did get to see her briefly last Monday. I hope she will be "ok" with it and understand that I will always be here for her and my door will always be open (and I have plenty of other places to sleep!)

Zoe is doing great. I (with the help of her teacher!) have kind of "chubbed" her up which is awesome! It is really important for kids with cystic fibrosis to have extra calories (and extra weight) to help fight off infections and grow :) She doesn't eat that well for her mom, but her mom also still struggles with her behavior during treatments (behavior that isn't seen when anyone else does them). The next hearing is January 15 and my guess is there will be enough information for them to send her to live with her aunt (or at least "give it the old college try"...I hope she does well, but I'm not convinced she can/will do all it takes to keep Zoe healthy).

We got pictures taken a couple of weeks ago and I got the disc back on Sunday. I don't "love" the way I look in most of them, but there are a couple that are "bloggable" which made me really excited. I wish I could post others because they turned out great, but at least I can post one or two :)

I'll try to be a better blogger ;) I need to do my "One Word  365" wrap up post!

An Oldie but a Goodie

I created a birthday movie back in 2008 and have posted it on my birthday every year since. The computer I made it on died and I haven't taken the time to re-scan all the pictures to make a new one. So, here's the original post I wrote in 2008 followed by birthday pictures of the years since (if I can find them without taking too much time!) "You're so skinny!" was a phrase I heard a lot this weekend, so I need to re-watch the video and see what I "used" to look like...ha! I am SO very blessed and am thankful to have lived 33 fabulous years...and looking forward to the blessings that are sure to come.

From Movies

or this! 

2008

2009

2010

2011

Living a Fairy Tale

Come Monday, the teen will have been here for four straight weeks (besides 3 "random" nights she went home). I LOVE having her here with me and we have been having a lot of fun. We've been to the Zoo, on a walk Downtown, to a baseball game (that went until 12:17 AM...now that's love since I had to be at work by 7 that morning), out to eat, watched movies and TV shows, sunbathed, shopped...

...but, eventually (Wednesday??), her mom is going to come home...and eventually, "someone" will have to figure out where she will be attending high school for her senior year...and determine the "living situation" for the rest of the summer with her work schedule.

She refuses to talk about "the future"...AT ALL.

To be honest, I have avoided it for the first couple of weeks because I like this "fairy tale life" as much as she does, but decided I better suck it up and try to talk about it with her (seeing my therapist this past Monday may have something to do with that...she's a little "worried" about me). I feel like I tried EVERYTHING this week to get her to talk about it. I told her that we can't avoid it (which she firmly said she wasn't doing and put up her wall). I shared with her that I haven't forgotten about the sh*t hitting the fan earlier this year and reminded her how awful that was for both of us. I let her know that I'd really rather not go through that again. I even used the "we're living in a fairy tale" line and still...nothing. All I got was that she "didn't need to talk about anything"...alrighty then.

So, she's going to keep on living in this fairy tale world where all is well and I'm taking good care of her (ahem...spoiled) while not addressing any of her concerns about changing schools and going back to living with her mom full-time. I suppose I'll continue to join her as much as I can while guarding my heart by the reality that the "happily ever after" probably isn't going to be the way I'd like it to be written (while also still not giving up hope)...yeah, it's tough, but I'm trying!

Her mom has texted me twice in the 10 days she has been gone...that's two more times than I was expecting, so I'm going to be okay with that (it's easier to live in the fairy tale without having to stress out about talking to her anyway...ha!) I believe she has been checking in with the teen most days though (as a mom should...I call her two or three times while I'm at work if she's here...ha!)

It's been nice to have someone here to help keep me busy and keep me company. I know it will be tough when she goes home...especially not knowing when she'll be back/what "the plan" is.

Right now my fairy tale life involves chips, salsa, baseball, blogging, and beer while I wait for her to get off work :)

Good night.

Fun With the Teenager

Monday evening was May Crowning at the teen's school. "Our" school has lots of traditions and this is one of my favorites :) It is mandatory and in the evening, so her mom was okay with her coming over after school so I could bring her to May Crowning and then home. We had gone shopping a couple times so she had a new outfit to wear. I ended up sitting in a spot where I could see her clearly (she is in front of the girl in the white sweater and the one with the white and black skirt on the left side of the picture). She seemed to behave herself...ha! Afterwards, I took some pictures of her with her friends (I told her I needed some for her "Senior Slide Show" that I'll have to make next year...can't believe she'll be a Senior!) It was special to be able to attend with her.

(I can't post the pic of me with the teen, so this is me with a girl I baby-sat!)

Tuesday night, the teen and I went to a baseball game. My mom got us 4 tickets and she had friends lined up to go who backed out last minute. So, once again it was "just us"...poor girl, but I guess at least she has me (and that I have her because I likely wouldn't go anywhere if I didn't have her to go places with me). She was being a brat and wouldn't let me take her picture. She is so pretty when she laughs and smiles with her teeth, but in posed pictures she ALWAYS smiles with her mouth closed. Sure, she's still pretty, but I wanted to catch her with a big smile. She would have NOTHING of that, so I tried to sneak pictures with my phone instead of my camera. Then, she took my camera and took all sorts of unflattering pictures of me, so I took pictures of her with my phone while she had my camera. (The pictures are in no particular order, but I do think she enjoyed me teasing her and we laughed a lot!) There were fireworks after the game and she got a ball that was hit to our section :)

Last week, she lost her glasses during her walk home from the bus stop. So, on Saturday when she was with me, we made her an appointment to see the eye doctor this afternoon. Her mom told her she could go and she would give her the insurance card. She didn't think her mom would let her go today if she knew that I was bringing her. I'm not sure why, but I instructed her NOT to lie about it. We "texted it out" last night and I told her she could be general and tell her mom that she was finding her way to and from, but to tell the truth if her mom asked. I know she didn't want to lie either, because that isn't in her character, but she knew what she needed to have happen and didn't want to risk not being able to go. I told her I appreciated her allowing me to help her find the right words. As it turns out, her mom didn't ask. However, she did come here to watch SVU with me before I dropped her off at the library near her house which probably wasn't the BEST idea considering her mom didn't give her permission to come over, but we haven't/won't make it a habit of not telling her mom everything.

While I waited for her to have her eye exam, I had her family Medicaid card. I didn't realize that there were only 6 years, 3 months between the little one and her three older brothers. So, her mom had four kids six years and under (plus two other kids)...I think that puts it into a little more perspective on how things could have (did) get overwhelming. Obviously, her (likely diagnosis although not diagnosed) narcissistic personality disorder didn't help matters and she made bad choices, but that's busy!

I renewed my foster parent home study today since my license will expire in August (she is ahead of the game so there is no lapse in licensure...good thinking!) I'm not sure if/when I'll be ready to take another placement (even though I did say yes on Sunday). I'm (slowly) trying to clear out/organize my "junk room" to make it a usable bedroom for potential future placements. I'd rather not kick the teen out of "her" room even if she just stays here sporadically. Granted, I could move her into the other room once it's just "half a junk room", but I'd rather not. 

The teen asked if she could have her English project group come over and film part of their video here on Saturday. I guess they need a kitchen scene. I'm scheduled to be at work, but trust her to be responsible (and her friends too). She'll probably clean the kitchen floors for me in return, so I'm all for that...ha! She still has to ask her mom about that, but my guess is that she'd rather have her stay the night than find her a ride here on Saturday for filming.

Well, it's late (and that's a long enough post!) Good night.

On Being "Brave"

This morning, I was fortunate enough to be able to attend an (in) Real Life gathering. As I was getting ready, I challenged myself to try to do more listening than talking. I AM capable of being a good listener (I think ;) ), but I'm also REALLY good at talking about "my story". 

As I started the 70 minute drive, I thought about the fact that I was driving alone to an unknown location to a house filled with women I had never met/knew nothing about. (I also thought about the fact that I was driving alone for 70 minutes so my challenge of not talking so much was likely going to be an even bigger challenge...ha!)

And then I thought about being "brave". If someone asked me to pick a few words to describe myself, I doubt I would come up with the word "brave". However, I really have done some things in my life that could be considered "brave":

• I moved 750 miles away to attend college. I only knew one other person who was going to that school and it wasn't someone that I was likely to "hang out" with. I lived in dorms for four years, I joined clubs, and found some good friends.
• After college, I moved 1500 miles away from home to a city I'd only briefly visited twice. I lived in my own apartment for 15 months. I learned how to do "everything" myself (or be resourceful to find someone who could help me). I went to the grocery store, the movies, and on day trips by myself. Unfortunately, community/friendships didn't come as easily outside the university setting, so it was a pretty easy decision to come back "home".
• Just over five years ago, I bought my house from my parents after my sister and I rented it from them for three years. I sometimes pay people to mow/shovel and my dad cleans the gutters, but I mostly take care of things ;)
• Nearly four years ago, I hopped on an airplane to meet a "blog-friend-turned-real-life-friend" face-to-face.
• Just over two years ago, I (finally!) got my foster parent license...and the first call for a placement. 
• Nearly two years ago, a very introverted 15-year-old and a chatty nearly 3-year-old became my first foster placement. I ended up being a single foster mom to them for 16 months. They went home seven months ago, but we are still changing each other's lives :)
• Six months ago, I flew to Nashville for my birthday and met two more "blog-friends-turned-real-life friends". 
• Then, today I drove 70 minutes down the road alone and met women who are now my "tweeps" and "fb friends". I still probably talked too much and made weird faces in photos (and tried really hard not to randomly start bawling...that worked much better than the not talking too much did!), but they all made me feel like I "belonged" anyway ;)

Although I rarely feel "brave"...it seems I may have more courage than your "average gal" ;) So, I will embrace that...and remember this when I am feeling anything but brave.

I'd better go to bed...it's looking like it could be a long day at work tomorrow and is going to be a very busy week!
Good night.

Keeping Busy

I'm not sure how or when I got too busy to blog. I blogged a lot more when I had two kids living here, was working full-time, dealing with visitation, caseworker visits, other appointments, and family obligations! Now, half the time I don't even know what day it is. Maybe I blogged more out of "necessity" even though I was just as/more busy than I am now because I needed a safe place to vent...and now I just vent to anyone who will listen (even though I probably should go back to blogging...ha!)

Last weekend I was off work and "teenless" because one of my cousin's got married. My sister was a bridesmaid so I helped my mom with my nephews. Well, everyone kind of helped with them, but I made sure to be present so there would be no complaints ;) I did a reading at the wedding and got lots of compliments. I got that public speaking gene from my dad, although I am much more comfortable reading someone else's words than speaking into a microphone words that I have written or need to speak spontaneously. It was an honor to be asked and I'm glad I was up to the challenge. It was really fun to be with my family. My mom and I went to the gift opening on Sunday which was nice too.

My nephew wanted to be with "his boys" (my cousins) the whole night :)

Handsome :)

He literally danced until he could barely stand up (around 10:30 with no nap!)

My mom, aunt, and I went and got our hair done. I love how it turned out! 

With my mom and sister :)

My mom's parents. They are so cute.

Even though there are 21 grandkids on my mom's side, I think it wil be a while before another family wedding. There have been five and there are four great-grandkids :)

It has been a busy couple of weeks at work. I am on a committee that is working on getting my hospital re-designated as a Magnet institution. It represents excellence in nursing and is only given to about 6% of hospitals in the country. So, it's a really big deal and has been a lot of work (but a lot of interesting and fun stuff too). The appraisers are coming next week to talk to nurses and other members of the hospital staff to validate/verify/amplify everything that we wrote in our 500+ page document. So, I have been going to meetings on my days off, sending emails, and had to create a binder with information. We are also supposed to be working on our peer and self evaluations and there are still a lot of extra shifts to fill until our new staff is hired.

I do love my job, but it's times like this that I'm grateful I haven't gotten any new foster kids. A sweet 2 1/2 year old was admitted to my floor this week after someone (apparently) beat the cr@p out of him. As much as he seems like a kid that I would be able to handle (if I got a call about him...that is still only a remote possibility at this point...I have no idea how that works really!), I still feel like I should wait. I have no idea how many extra hours we are going to have to work this summer since we are implementing a new charting system and still won't be fully staffed. I think I would feel guilty putting an already traumatized child into day care for more than 40 hours a week/for 13 hour days. Eventually, I know I'll have to get over part of that if I want to take another placement, but it would be better if I knew I was only working 3 days a week, not have to go 4 or 5 days a week. 

Plus, I have no idea what's going to happen with the teen...and she remains my priority. She was here 5 out of 8 nights before last weekend's wedding. Then, I guess her mom did the whole "no more Amanda" line. She has always changed her mind, but the threat still remains...and neither of us know how, when, or why she will change her mind.  She agreed to let the teen come over here after school on Tuesday so she and I could go to a college baseball game. Then, she said she could stay the night. That day, her mom called me and talked to me for 45 minutes straight like we were BFFs. Definitely 45 minutes of my life I can never get back, but I can surely laugh about some of the things she told me and if I have to listen to her mumbo jumbo in order to have contact with the teen, by all means, I'll keep the phone to my ear ;)

Last night got a little sticky though...as did this afternoon. So, there is no telling what will happen from here. Yesterday, the teen and I tried to contact her about plans (kind of sort of trying to get her to say she could just stay the night), but she had her phone off. We stalled for a while and she called really ticked off when we were on the way to bring her home. We were almost to their street when she told me she didn't have a way to get the teen to school so she should just stay with me even though we were both "pushing it". Today, she did end up letting me bring the teen to her high school's soccer game, but it was after a few angry text messages/phone calls and the threat of not allowing the teen to go to any more social events.

Her mom also "forgot" to go to her meeting at the teen's school about tuition and other commitments. The teen (finally) talked to one of her teachers about what has been going on as well as to the President of the school to tell her how much she wants to graduate from there and what she is willing to do to help financially. I'm willing to do pretty much anything to help make that happen, even if it's the teen and I who have to do everything. 

Today was Parent Appreciation Day at the school and her mom had no clue. I suppose that worked to my benefit because I was able to bring her lunch (for her and her friends) and her mom has no clue ;) One of her friends asked if I was her sister, another asked if I was her mom...I'm cool with either (especially since we look nothing alike...family is definitely more than genes though!) I am so proud of her and I really hope she is doing as well in her classes as she says she is. I do know she is trying hard.

I know fortune cookies are meant to be for fun, but every once in a while, they really make sense. This was her fortune:  "Focus on your long-term goal. Good things will soon happen." My fortune was "Your imagination will point you in a new direction. Go for it!" Pretty cool :)

Tomorrow she is baby-sitting for some relative who actually lives REALLY close to me. I dropped her off there tonight and discovered that I had actually been inside that house before...25 years ago! We had gotten into a car accident on the way to grandma's house because someone ran a stop sign and my dad couldn't stop on the icy road. The older lady who lived in that house let us come in and wait for the police to come. Such a small world!

Speaking of small world...blogging (and twitter) has brought such a great community. This weekend there is something called (in) Real Life from the people who started (in) courage. I signed up and took Saturday off work. It is being held about an hour drive from where I live. I had no idea what to expect, but this week I got emails from two women who will be there and now I'm really looking forward to it. I am still not sure what, if anything, I'll have in common with these other people, but I love meeting new people and blogging/twitter has definitely brought me a community of people I never would have met "in real life". This may mean I have to open up my quiet little blog to people who live locally and met me before they read anything here (so I can have a heart attack every time my site meter tells me someone in my State visited), but if it does, I know it will be "ok".

So, that's the happenings here. I'm finishing up a Woodchuck and then should head to bed. I have two meetings tomorrow...super fun ;) I may need to go to the store and get some Green Apple Smirnoff in honor of Sara. Tomorrow part of the (in)Real Life is sharing her story of creating community even though she was homebound...I miss that girl. If you haven't "met" her, you should go read her story...she'll knock your socks off (or something like that ;) ) Choose Joy...today and every day :)

Until the next time...

Good night.

Remember This

Tonight is the third night in a row the teen has stayed here and the fifth night in a week. I love having her here so much and I love that she feels so comfortable here. I did have to talk to her about respect of time yesterday when I had to wait for over 20 minutes for her to come out of her friend's track meet. She isn't very good at apologies and I wasn't very good at being upset with her, but we muddled through it and I did call her out later on her crappy apology. I do believe that she "gets it", but I guess maybe when people you love hurt you and don't ever apologize, you have to learn how to apologize when you hurt someone you love some time, even if it's when you're 17.

As it turned out, I got a letter from her in the mail which I found right after our little "respect talk". It didn't make me cry like this one did, but maybe that's only because she's been staying here and I was still getting over being upset with her. She did it for an assignment and said she didn't re-read it so it is a tiny bit scattered (and her grammar isn't that great), but I know it was from the heart. Again, I never throw anything away, but I want to remember this:

Dear Amanda,
Well, I would like to first off start out by saying that I have to write a letter to people that I care about. I thought I'd take this opportunity to write one of my letters to you. I would like to start this by saying thank you! For everything that you do for me and all that you have already done. They say everything happens for a reason, right? Right! Well, I see having spent time with you has changed me and will forever shape the person that I am. Though I may have not told you, there is so much that you have given me. So much wisdom. Many of the great qualities that I have today, I think that I owe you some of the credit for that. Some would be my determination, my optimism, and so much more. They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. Well, I have many of those, but I think a memory has even more value and I have even more of those. There were times when I kind of did not like being with you but that was solely because you asked me so much about school and homework. But now that I look back on it, I do see that is what made me succeed so much and even now you are still doing that and it's just a sign that you care. And, well, now I don't care that you ask so much. I enjoy it because in the end it gives me some sense of satisfaction. So, when you ask now, it doesn't bother me at all, not even a little bit. The time that I have spent with you I will treasure because when I look back and think why am I the way I am today, I will know that you have helped me. I know that I can always count on you. From the day that I met you, you have been nice, caring, and loving and still are. And some of those qualities that you have have been put on me too. When I look to the future and I have all those goals, I thank you for telling me that I can and that it's all possible and I can achieve them if I want to.


So, in the end, why I wrote you a letter is to say thank you for everything and you are an amazing person. I love you.


Love always, 
M

Her mom and I have communicated some via text the past couple of days, but tonight I decided I better actually call her. I kept making the teen communicate her/our plans with her mom first, but the only responses she got from her mom were "k" or "ok". Then, she got a text today that kind of made it sound like her mom may not be so keen on all her time spent here, so I figured I'd better touch base and make sure everything is "ok". Thankfully, it was a "pleasant" conversation and she told me she feels safe with the teen here and is glad I am able to take her to do things and give her a quiet place to study. I reminded her about calling the therapist to say it's okay M starts seeing her again and she said she left a message. I really hope that's the truth because M really needs an adult who allows her to vent. I am not exactly in a position to fully do that because I can't take her "side" (even though I'd MUCH rather be on her side than her mom's on most occasions). I reminded M that her mom can decide at any time that she can't come here anymore...and I told her that if that happened, she would still be "ok" (but we need to try and not let that happen!)

When I got home from work, I noticed that she picked up all the toys in the playroom from last weekend and rearranged the furniture in the basement. Then, I noticed she picked up the living room (and dinner was ready). I went to my room to change and she had even piled up my crap and put my shoes in the closet so she could vacuum. Oh, and she cleaned the bathroom a little bit too. I am so blessed (and spoiled ;) )

I know she needs to go home and work things out there, but I won't lie and say I'm not looking forward to the next time we get to spend time together.
Good night.

Six Months

Today marked six months since Sara (Gitzen Girl) left this Earth. However, her life did not really "end" because her legacy lives on in all those who have been touched by her story and continue to "Choose Joy" because of her. (I even chose "Choose" as my "One Word" for this year.) I am so blessed to have exchanged words with her on twitter and via email. Although none of our plans to actually have a "face-to-face" chat worked out, Sara still had a way of making me feel like I was a very important person to her...and in the days leading up to her death and the days after, I realized that was the way she made EVERYONE feel. I think about her all the time and I miss her presence (even though her words are still here), but am grateful that she chose to share herself...in the good times and the not so good ones. Here is a photo of the canvas of hers that I won and a "repost" of what I wrote on the day Sara passed away.

Finding My Words (Originally Posted September 24, 2011)
Ever since I read the words on Sara's blog last Wednesday saying that hospice had been brought into her home and her days left here would be few, I have been trying to find my words. That post came two days after I found out that my foster daughters could go home and their days left here in my home would also be few.

Every time I thought maybe I'd be able to find the words, I'd read another beautiful post by one of her friends (like Alece, Mandy and Shannon). I bawled reading this post and even though I kept reminding myself that I just needed to speak from my heart and be myself, I just couldn't do it. Even though this post put into words how you can be so incredibly sad to lose someone that you've never actually "met" (thank you social media), I still struggled. I was thankful for the nearly 700 comments on that post last Wednesday and the well over 100 links on this post to help me not feel so crazy to feel this way about someone I never actually met. I know that my family and friends who live here would NEVER understand, but I'm so grateful to have friends who do.

Finally, I'm sitting in a quiet house with a Green Apple Smirnoff and going to attempt to find some words to share.

I was trying to remember when and how I first came to know Sara (Gitzen Girl). However, I really can't remember. I think either it's one of those things that happened that didn't seem significant at the time, but ended up being something much bigger or something so "fabulous" that I can't remember my life without her blog in it ;)

I did do a little "research" and it appears that the first post I wrote that mentioned her was in February of 2009 in this post. It appears that the first time I actually left a comment on her blog was that same month on this post which is actually a very funny "Flashback Friday" about when she had someone get her chicken on a Friday during Lent since it "wasn't meat"...one of the many reasons people love Sara :)

The month after that, Sara was doing something called "Hump Day Giveaways" which again is super funny because who doesn't enjoy saying "Hump Day Giveaway"?! ;) I left a comment on this post, found out the following day I was a winner, and wrote a rather boastful post on my blog to celebrate. That canvas now hangs in my kitchen and it is a gift I will treasure forever.


In April 2010, I wrote about "bringing Sara" to Holy Week services with me and how that made it that much more special (FYI the rest of that post is really boring and all over the place, but I did write about that ;) ) Knowing Sara and her "circumstances" definitely helped change my views on a lot of things...I open the windows more, I play in the rain more, take more time to look at flowers and listen to nature, and hope I take less of my life and its blessings for granted.


In June 2010, I was completely "star struck" after being included in Gitz Bits (I sent her "Glee Gum") and had begun to refer to myself as a "Gitzen Girl Groupie" (or THE Gitzen Girl Groupie...excuse me ;) ) That was the month I became a foster parent and I was on the receiving end of many prayers and much love and support in that decision and the journey that followed.

The following month, Sara's dad died suddenly and I wrote in this (very long) post that I had read it while I was at work and was so sad for her, especially since she was unable to really be with her whole family during that time. A month or two ago, I shared with her that she and her parents were in one of my dreams. I wish I could get my twitter feed back that far since I don't remember everything, but I remember making some kind of comment to her dad about "checking out early" and he had some kind of sarcastic remark since obviously mine was a bit out of line...she told me that was the kind of response I would have gotten from him. There was more in that dream that I can't remember now, but I am glad I was able to share some of it with her.


In September, 2010, the "little one" (my then 3-year-old foster daughter) and I found this video.



I can't even tell you how many times we watched it or how many nights in a row she asked to "see Sara". I've watched it a few times this past week too because I have also wanted to "see Sara". This is the closest I ever really came to "seeing" her. We made plans to Skype a few times last fall, but it never worked out with her health/our schedules. Last September was the first time I remember telling her that "for real" seeing and/or talking to her was on my "Bucket List"...she laughed and/or made fun of me every time I said it (her exact words in a tweet were "oh my word, I'm not bucket list material, woman! Riley, maybe :)" ) The last tweet I could find from her was about six weeks ago before Jessica's visit. She was SO excited about that visit and I told her I was jealous of Jessica (no offense...she responded that I was jealous of the wrong person!) I reminded her of my "Bucket List" and she responded "we'll get that checked off someday, girl. then you can aim higher :)" Totally Sara :)

In October 2010, I participated in my first (and only) "Take Five Friday" and in December, I linked up to my one (and only) "You: Create" link-up. I was inspired to make a canvas for my teenage foster daughter's 16th birthday. Sara helped me figure out what to put on it by suggesting song lyrics. I decided to use lyrics from Lady Antebellum's song "I Was Here"--"I know it's my destiny to leave more than a trace of myself in this place." Those are some powerful words and I definitely know Sara is leaving WAY more than a trace of herself in this place.

I'm not sure why my "research" didn't find any posts from 2011, but I think it's because 2011 had more "tweets" and blog comments exchanged than anything else. Sara may have been a "big name blogger", but she had a way of making everyone feel like they were the most important person in the world to her. She prayed for you, she rejoiced with you, she cried with you, she was a cheerleader and a devoted friend and family member. In response to a comment I left on one of her (in)courage posts back in May, she told me "hi, sweet girl. you are doing such an amazing with those girls, and I know they will treasure these memories just as much as you do. much love!" That was written just a few days before I thought the girls were going home. Now, as I am just days away of them "for real" going home, they are exactly the words I need to hear. That is Sara...one of the many things about her that will be missed...

Hopefully my struggle to find my words wasn't too painful for anyone else to read, but this blog has always been for me and I want to remember this. It is a little "linky crazy", but at least all (or most) of my "Sara posts" will be in one place whenever I need a reminder to "Choose Joy". Sara is more precious to me than words can say. I regret that there are cards I bought for her that never were sent. I wish I really would have hopped in my car one day and drove to see her (honestly, I was more afraid of any "funky stuff" that I carried on me from being a pediatric nurse than afraid of being seen as a "crazy lady" for randomly showing up on her doorstep!) I'm not sure Sara ever could have met a stranger who didn't soon become her friend...and that is why there are "strangers" all over the world grieving over the fact that this world is losing an amazing person while also celebrating that in Heaven she will be free of the pain she faced on this Earth. Sara, you will be missed, but know that your legacy will live on in each and every person who has read your words, heard your story, been on the receiving end of a tweet/email/blog comment, etc. Who knew that a farm girl from Iowa who couldn't leave her condo could do so much good...only God...and I am SO very blessed that God chose me to be a part of it too. Thank you Sara. And, if any of her family happens upon this post...thanks for sharing Sara with all of us...my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.


Update: Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this post, drinking the last sip of my Green Apple Smirnoff, Sara was taking her last breath. I woke up at 6:00 this morning to get ready for work and saw the posts on twitter. I haven't exactly had time to process since I need to leave for work very shortly, but will be praying for her family and all who love her. I found a scrub top to wear to work that has hearts and stars and the words "Love", "Peace", and "Joy"...I will remember to "Choose Joy".


Also, if you clicked here from Jessica's site and were curious about the red square thumbnail...well, it was supposed to be this--a picture (from my phone) of my canvas on the wall in my kitchen. However, I obviously had some major technological difficulties and had no clue how to fix it ;)

Another Week Gone By

I can't believe that, once again, it has been a week since I have been able to post here. I have been crazy busy!

If you haven't seen any of my tweets or updates on fb, my new nephew has been having a rough time. He has spent over half his life in the hospital and probably 75% of his life under phototherapy lights to try to bring down his bilirubin (I think he had two types of jaundice--early and then late/breast milk jaundice). This past Sunday, he was admitted to a local NICU after having a fever of 101 at home (102 in the ER). Since he is so young, they have to rule out all types of infections, so he had a spinal tap, blood cultures, and a urine culture taken by a catheter. I believe he has been stuck with a needle every day since he's been born...poor little guy. For my sister and brother-in-law who are highly anxious people, they are handling this all remarkably well. After a little encouragement from my mom, I went to the ER on Sunday even though I had a really crappy and long day at work and had to go back on Monday for another crappy long day. I'm glad I went, though, so I could reassure them that the nurses and doctors were doing everything they should be doing (and he does, in fact, have really bad veins which is why it took multiple attempts to get an IV and his labs drawn). I went and visited yesterday since I was off and today I watched my other nephew during his nap so my mom could go get her hair done. Hopefully he will get out of the hospital tomorrow and they can get some sort of a routine. My poor sister has been "sleeping" in a recliner all week.

I worked an extra shift last week and was scheduled to work an extra one today, but luckily didn't have to. We have been crazy busy and my "best" (maybe only) work friend put in her notice yesterday. Another nurse put in her notice last week and rumor has it there are probably at least two more. So, I think it's probably good that I don't have a new foster placement right now. From the sounds of it, we will be working extra shifts for a while (some mandatory, some voluntary). I guess that's one way to help pay for my vacations :)

I did have Saturday off which was really nice. I picked up the girls a little after 1:00 and we went to my sister's so they could see the baby (he actually wasn't under the lights that day, so the little one kind of held him). The girls and I went with my mom and first nephew to the park. The little one was her usual stand-offish self for a while and then decided that playing with my nephew was ok, especially now that he can talk a lot (he turned one her first month living with me!)

After the park, we went Downtown to feed the ducks...I have no idea how many times we have done that, but it's really fun! This time it was challenging because it was really windy and the bread kept flying back at us, but it makes for a fun memory.

I got us Chinese for dinner before we went to a musical at the children's theater. My friend's daughter came with us. I have a membership, so we have gotten to go to a lot of shows in the nearly two years that I have known the girls. I think they will be even more fun as the little one gets older and understands more. She had just turned three when we went to our first one and now she is 4 1/2. Hopefully it continues to work that her mom lets them come with me to the shows.

I got stopped for speeding after I dropped off the girls and my friend's daughter. That was my first time ever and I'm feeling lucky I got away with a written warning. It was St. Patrick's Day, so maybe he was just making sure I hadn't been drinking. I was right by my friend's house and I don't go to that area of town very often. Apparently, the main street near her house has a speed limit of 35 which seems crazy. I was going 46...oops.

The teen missed her bus(es) on Monday since she was talking to a teacher. So, she ended up at my house for the night. Then, she decided to stay again last night. There weren't any tears this week, so maybe the extra time with me is helping (she spend three nights here last week plus we were together all day on Saturday). She agreed to therapy if she could go back to her previous therapist. I told her she may have to do all the scheduling and communication on her own and just get her mom to give consent. (I said she may have to do the same for her dentist, eye doctor, regular doctor since her mom hasn't taken the kids to any appointments since they've been home.) She contacted the therapist today and I'm so proud of her. I'm hoping that the therapist can help her communicate with her mom. I don't feel like I'm in a position to help with that since I'm "technically" on her mom's "side"...and yet I know it isn't easy to communicate with her mom. She filled out a couple job applications because I said maybe her mom will let her stay at her current school if she offers to pay for it. She has admitted that her grades slipped in part due to her extra socializing during classes and told me she is doing better with that.

The teachers had a staff meeting this morning, so she didn't start class until 9:00. Since I didn't have to work, we went out to breakfast. She and I ordered the same thing--French toast, scrambled eggs, and hash browns and she got sausage, I got bacon. Last night, she was brainstorming for a topic for her persuasive speech that's next week. I gave her a couple of ideas that she had already thought of. I love that I know her so well and that we really are alike in a lot of ways. I think I actually said something to the effect of "you really ARE my daughter" (or a lot like me) during breakfast this morning and all I got was a smile...and another comment from me saying that is "supposed" to be a good thing ;)

It was weird not having her here tonight even though it isn't like she's been here every night. Maybe it is because I didn't have any evening plans or shows to watch and wasn't busy at work all day. I managed to get a few things done (including writing a blog post-yay!) I don't know when she'll be back. During breakfast, I asked if she wanted to make some kind of schedule or if she liked this "randomness". She said she liked the "random" and she has a copy of my schedule to help her  planning. I just told her to keep me posted on her plans and make sure her mom is on board with them.

So, that's what's been going on this week. Hopefully I'll have time to write before another week goes by!

Good night.

Zoo Trip

I got an unexpected day off work (I was either going to be "on call" or choose to be off and seeing as one patient's mom requested me not be her child's nurse and my other patient got sick and went to the ICU overnight, I figured it was a good day to take off).

So, I made the most of it (which I admit I don't always do!)

My sister is trying to get her baby to come out, so has been walking and walking. It was nice, so she picked me up and we went to the Zoo. Here are some fun pictures from our trip:

 Chasing a Meerkat

 Eating a peanut butter sandwich

 Driving a truck

Our dad delivers mail Downtown and the zoo isn't too far from there. So, we met up with him for lunch which was an added bonus.

The teen is here staying the night. That is a post all of it's own, but I'm so thankful she is here.

Today was a great day off :) I'm off tomorrow too, but have two meetings and two appointments (otherwise I think the teen would come by after school and stay another night).

Good night.