To Be Continued

I was as prepared as I was going to be to testify at the hearing for Zoe's case today. I was being called to testify to all her medical needs. I didn't realize so many people were being called to testify when the motion being discussed was in regards to relative placement. They sequestered all those who could/would testify, but my worker stayed in the courtroom (with my stuff including my iPad and phone which would have been nice to have out there in the lobby!)

An hour and a half later, we watched the District Attorney leave and realized that the hearing was not going to finish today. Apparently, the Judge asked for another date with two hours available for more testimony. They only got through 2 1/2 people today. No one knows how long it will be to find a court date--could be weeks or months. In the mean time, Zoe stays with me and continues visitation (although it sounds like they are going to increase visitation in a kind of "sink or swim" kind of test which isn't going to be much fun, but I guess the "best" way).

I'm off this weekend and we have some fun things planned, including a first birthday party for my nephew on Sunday and a show at the Children's Theater tomorrow. Ivy talks non-stop when we are together and Zoe wants a lot of attention when she's here (because she's 4 and also used to being an only child), so I'm thankful that I have time at the end of the day to relax and have my own time. I'm learning some things about ADD from my twitter friends and may need to read up on it so I can better understand her (rather than getting REALLY irritated at the things she says/the way she behaves).

I'm not setting an alarm since I have no where to go in the morning and Zoe will get up early enough!

Until the next time...

Long Overdue

Zoe has lived with me six months today. Her schedule keeps me on my toes (treatments, medications, school, visits five days a week, plus being almost five!), but we have so much fun when we actually can spend time together :) The snow day pictures are from a couple weeks ago, but new to the blog :)

Her mom goes back to court on Friday. Her mom's lawyer is going to ask for her to be placed with mom's sister. Zoe's GAL came this morning and wouldn't tell me or my worker if he was in support of that move or not. However, he informed me that I will be called to the stand to testify and explain all of her treatments, medications, diet, and what her daily schedule looks like. Even though I know it by heart, it is still nerve wracking to think about speaking on the stand in front of people critiquing my every word. I know I need to stick to the facts and not put any emotion into my answers, but it isn't going to be easy.

This afternoon, we had a family team meeting. What I took away from that meeting is that the State isn't going to recommend placement with the aunt at court, but I am cautiously optimistic and know that I could easily be wrong. There was discussion about the case manager coming to see us at my house next week and a family team meeting next month, so hopefully I'm not reading too much into that (they also weren't quick to say that the aunt can provide supervision for the mom, so that also makes me think they aren't 100% on board with a move...at least not this week). The cultural liaison made a backhanded compliment saying that Zoe's mom just isn't as firm (aka parent-like ;) ) with her as I am to make her behave and she needs to work on that. Other than that, she didn't speak to me much. It's still annoying that she thinks three hour visits five days a week isn't enough, but I'm trying to just go with the flow as much as I can...it doesn't do any good to fight that which is out of my control anyway.

Ivy drives me bonkers a lot of the time, but she is making progress in some areas, so I need to take some deep breaths and try to focus on those. I find myself biting my tongue a lot and reminding myself to pick my battles and that some things just don't require a response. She is used to being an only child who could do pretty much whatever she wanted/eat whatever she wanted. She's a nice girl, but socially awkward with seemingly limited critical thinking skills. (I was told tonight that people with ADD have no filter, so that helps ;) ) Last week, she was fighting with Zoe because Zoe moved the hallway rug to be by her room instead of by Ivy's to the point that she took it from Zoe and hid it so she couldn't have it. I was sitting on the couch laughing and wondering if this was really happening. Tonight, she spilled an entire glass of milk all over the table, the floor, and the chair and chalked it up to being a klutz. Later during dinner, Zoe dripped a little bit of her milk and it was the end of the world and Ivy couldn't BELIEVE that Zoe would spill her milk like that, etc. because HERS was just an accident and Zoe was messing around. Seriously, this is happening in my house. She said she likes dinner better when it is just us and I wanted to tell her that Zoe was here first and dinner time was much less stressful before she came, but of course I didn't say anything. 

She is doing a lot better at cleaning up after herself (and putting away the dishes and laundry which is both of our stuff) and she actually tasted chili last night (she is super picky and rarely willing to try new things). Her grades were better this quarter than they were last semester, and she does seem happy (even though she complains a lot and gets all worked up over little things like Zoe moving my keys/putting her shoes in places where I can't always find them).

Some days are better than others, but such is life as a parent. I still believe that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, even though it is often exhausting and challenging to have so little control over what's going on in my life. I don't want Zoe to go home (or to her aunt's)...at least until Ivy stops driving me crazy because I need that buffer/distraction/reason to walk away. 

Things are still good, but I had no idea how hard this was going to be...even though there was no reason to think that parenting other peoples' children would be easy ;)

Until the next time...I could use some prayers/good thoughts, especially come Friday afternoon when I'm on the stand advocating for Zoe while just stating the facts. Court is at 1:15 CST.

Two Nights

The teen is staying here for the second night in a row. I was gone most of the time she was here today since I had meetings, but we did get to have dinner together.

Yesterday, I was supposed to work, but got the day off since our census was low. So, I called her mom to see if I could pick her up from school. She was sweet as honey to me which is quite the contrast from the woman who threatened me with a restraining order less than 2 weeks ago. (I really can understand her being upset about that whole thing, but she did blow it way out of proportion.) She said that would be fine and suggested maybe the teen even stay over night. Seriously?! Totally fine with me, and of course the teen was okay with it. She also said that the little one really misses me and talks about me all the time, so she asked if I could come get her for the rest of the afternoon. I actually planned on getting some stuff done before getting the teen, so I took a "rain check"...saying no was hard, but I can't get into the habit of dropping everything for her.

The teen's phone she was using was out of texts and she broke the other phone during an argument with her mom. She takes the bus to school and walks quite a distance and her mom stated that she was really worried about her daughter getting to school, especially without a working cell. After a quick "twitter poll", I got the "ok" to offer replacing the phone/adding texts if it was for a safety reason and okay with mom.

So, I got the teen a new phone (and reactivated it which was a nice hidden fee they neglected to mention, but it was worth it for her safety, her mom's sanity, and for us to be able to communicate) and then took her to her house to get her stuff to stay the night. Her mom was just "chilling" on the couch and said she was home alone since all the other kids were at the neighbor's house. She said they go there all the time...why am I not surprised? I listened to her go on and on about her money and other troubles while the teen gathered her stuff. She really does seem to be in a bit of a financial pickle and I do feel kind of sorry for her, but making good choices just isn't her thing I guess.

The teen and I visited for quite a while before watching some TV. My heart breaks at the way she says her mom talks to her and I wish there was more I could do besides listen and support her, but I suppose that's really what she needs anyway :) I still have a hard time knowing if this is a "teenage thing" or if she really should try to get out of there. I do keep reminding her that her mom loves her and is doing her best, although sometimes it is harder to say than others. I don't think I am handling things perfectly well, but I'm trying my best and that's what matters.

I told her she needs to go back home eventually (tomorrow) and to keep focusing on her studies and trying to keep the peace with her mom so we can keep talking to each other :)

It's back to work for me tomorrow and I may try to catch her before she goes to bed.
Good night.

Not What I Thought

So, after my morning surprise, I was really looking forward to talking to the teen. I tried to prepare myself the best I could, even though I had no idea what to expect. I thought about my approach to be the "grown up" and tell her that I was basically "on her mom's side" it will take some time to rebuild the trust, even though I love her.

And then, I actually got to talk to her and it was not at all what I thought.

Pretty much everything her mom told me she did was a lie.

I sat on the couch next to her as she quickly wiped away the tears that would not stop falling. This is not a teenager who is trying to run away from her problems. This is not a teen who wants to come live with me because I'll let her do whatever she wants (which I wouldn't ;) ). When I asked her why she wanted to live here with me, she said it was because she felt more supported here. I reminded her that my love and support is there in her heart even when I'm here.

She said that her mom stresses her out so much that she doesn't eat lunch. The stuff that she told me her mom says to her is borderline emotional abuse ("everyone" believes her mom is narcissistic, so this isn't at all surprising). It was so hard to sit here and listen to her story because it was not at all how I had prepared...and this issue is so much bigger than me.

She said that she has thought about it for a long time, talked to her friends, talked to her advisor, and talked to the principal. I let her know that I'm not sure if anything can be done (and if it can, it won't happen quickly), so tried to get her to think about what she can do "in the mean time" to stay focused on her goals. I asked her what I could do to support her...if coming here once or twice a week to study would help (if her mom was agreeable, which she didn't think she would be) or how much "Amanda time" she feels she needs.

I reminded her that if she takes this to the point of trying to make a legal move to my house that is not 100% supported by her mom (even if it is "supported" by her mom), she is risking losing her family. I told her that as miserable as her mom is making her feel now, it could get worse for her.

I have no idea what is going to happen. I haven't really thought about what it would mean for ME to have her move back in here permanently. What I do know is this is bigger than what I can handle myself. So, I called the on-call caseworker for my agency and she is going to try to see if it can be discussed at their staff meeting tomorrow to get more feedback. I also emailed the teen the information for the lawyer who was assigned to her when the case was active.

When I dropped her off, her mom told her to go clean the floors in the hallway and she was headed "out". I told her mom I'd call her after my meeting. I left her mom a message, but she didn't listen to it before she called me.

I was as pleasant as could be and for some reason she told me that she didn't want to know everything the teen told me because we should be able to have our own conversations (weird). She asked me why the teen lied to us. I said she didn't really say "why" she did, just that she apologized and I told her she can't do that to us, but we still love her (which is the truth...well, kind of because the teen didn't really lie in the way her mom said she did).

Her mom said she is leaving town as soon as she can scrounge up the money because her mom is sick. I asked her what she was going to do with the kids. She said family was going to help. I offered to help with the teen, but she said she didn't want to keep using me like that. I said it wouldn't be that big of a deal for me to help. Oh, and she mentioned that her aunt and uncle want to adopt the little one, but she said there is no way she is letting her family be broken apart. I suppose that could explain why she is on "high alert" these days...

So, again, we shall see...the drama/saga continues.

I Needed That

The past two days at work were extremely busy! We are overflowing with patients and all of them seem to have high needs. I ran my tail off for 12 hours both days and basically just sat down long enough to eat...lunch only. I did not get to eat breakfast either day, so both days the only thing I had in my stomach before 1:00 (after getting up at 6) was coffee (and Mike & Ike's from my Secret Santa yesterday). I think I maybe drank (at the most) two cups of water the entire day. It was seriously crazy (and I had to remind myself of my "3 P's" multiple times!)

I was going to title this post "Don't be an A*" as in, don't be an a-hole, or something similar, but opted against using that at this point. However, I've been taking care of a patient for the past three months nearly every day that I work. I get along great with her (she's a teenager) and her mom...as do most of the people on my floor. However, her dad really is not a nice person...at least that is the consensus of everyone who has had contact with him. So, most nurses do what they can to avoid taking this patient on the days her dad is there because he can, and often will, make your life/shift miserable. Thankfully, he isn't awful to me quite as often as he is to other people (I think because his daughter likes me), so I take her almost every time I work so I don't have to deal with crabby co-workers (and because I do like the kid most of the time).

Yesterday really was not an enjoyable day, likely due in part from having a very busy/stressful day on Wednesday but also because her dad was CRABBY. His child is rather sick which meant I had to make multiple trips into the room to do things to care for her needs. I could not avoid it and dreaded every time I had to walk down that hallway and into her room knowing I'd have "daggers" thrown at me every time. My other patients were sick and had "high needs" as well and I didn't have the time or the energy to deal with his negativity, rude comments, glares, etc. and it kind of made for a miserable day (thank goodness for my Secret Santa gift and empathetic co-workers who were definitely thankful it was me and not them...ha!)

I was exhausted when I got home (after getting fast food because I didn't want to wait for a frozen meal or making anything...I seriously need to get to the gym!) and my back, legs, and feet were sore. I sat on the couch for a little while watching TV and IMing with the teen and then headed to bed early. I was asleep by 11 and didn't set an alarm. I woke up at 8 when I needed to go to the bathroom. I quickly fell back asleep and didn't wake up again until 11:15! It wasn't like I was being lazy and just couldn't pull myself out of bed, I seriously slept solid the entire time (even with the sun coming through my window!) I guess I needed that...and am grateful that I COULD get that sleep that I obviously needed. I know it's a "privilege" that I don't take for granted, but it was a definite reminder of how tough my job really is (even though it's my Passion & Purpose and I Plan to continue doing it!) I'm thankful I had today off and tomorrow as well. I also may need to consider taking a break from that patient (I did take one a couple of weeks ago) except her mom will be back on Sunday and I enjoy visiting with her :) I seriously wish I could tell him to stop being an a-hole and maybe he'll get better results from the people who, need I remind him, are taking care of his child!

I am thankful that he is in the minority and most people really do appreciate the care that we give. It's unfortunate that they have been in the hospital this long so we have had to deal with the negativity and a-hole-ness for a very long time.

I talked about my "One Word" for 2011 at my therapy appointment on Tuesday and my Spiritual Director appointment today, so will have to do a "reflection" post at some point. I also think I know my "One Word" for 2012 and am looking forward to "unveiling" that. I have a busy day tomorrow (even though I'm "off"), so I'd better head to bed.

Good night :)

Grateful for Grace

I finally think I have the time and energy to write about the "Day of Gratitude" I had on Tuesday. This was the fifth year I attended the Thanksgiving retreat there at this center. I have not been disappointed and it always comes at the perfect time. If you are "bored" and want to read the posts I wrote from the other years, here are the links: 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010. I re-read them (well, skimmed) and found them to be rather (or maybe "somewhat") insightful, if I do say so myself. I do enjoy looking back at where I have been. I thought it interesting that in 2009, I wrote about being thankful for being "who I am" since I started seeing my therapist shortly before that day and being thankful for "who I am" is an ongoing discussion/process. Last year's post has a neat story about being "thankful for thorns" which was good for reflection.

This year's retreat was the first one that wasn't a "women's retreat". It was led by a Jesuit priest who has a PhD and it was a lot more theological/philosophical than in years past and I'm sure I spent some of the day looking like a deer in the headlights, but it was still a good day. There were only seven of us besides the facilitator, so it was an "intimate" group. We also were a relatively diverse group so were able to share different perspectives and reasons to be thankful. Since I am writing this to remember, here are the "players" so to speak:
1. Woman in her 40s (not wearing a ring) whose 20-year-old son passed away a couple years ago. She recently left her job of seven years to "find herself" and now works in housekeeping at the retreat center.
2. Retired Colomban priest who did much of his missionary work in Korea, now is "retired" and learning to live in this community.
3. 75-year-old retired nurse who is now a "master gardener". Has kids and grand-kids (and goes to my church).
4. 40ish woman, married with four kids. Husband is a stay-at-home dad and last year she left her "high power" job for something less stressful that allows her more time with her family and is looking to go back to school.
5. Retired Colomban priest who just celebrated 50 years of priesthood. He did missionary work all over the world, including Fiji. He moved to my city last week and hadn't lived here since the 1950s or 60s.
6. Woman in her 40s who was married for 10 years before her husband left/divorced her. In the 10 years since, she moved from one high-power job to another before coming to work in marketing at the retreat center earlier this year.
7. You already know me :) 32, single, pediatric nurse, foster parent, aunt...

The thing I liked about the "set-up" this year is that there was a presentation portion followed by a 30-40 minute "alone" time and then time to share. One of the years it was really structured which worked too, but I think it is good to have reflection time set aside at a "retreat".

The first part, he talked about St. Ignatius and printed a couple of pages from a book about him. He highlighted St. Ignatius' "Suscipe"-- "Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and all my will--all that I have an possess. You, Lord, have given all that to me. I now give it back to you, O Lord. All of it is yours. Dispose of it according to your will. Give me love of yourself along with your grace, for that is enough for me."

I had a little bit of a hard time taking notes during the day because he talked kind of fast and some of it I didn't quite "get", but I did listen :) After this part, he had us reflect on something that God has given us that we appreciated more than anything else right now. His reflection said something about his "vocation being confirmed by relationship" and that really spoke to me. So, I reflected on my relationship with the teen. A year ago, our relationship was so much different than it is today. There were definitely struggles as I tried to figure out how to reach her, how to help her, how to earn her trust, etc. The retreat came just after she "willingly" spent nine days here with me and I can tell that our time together made a tremendous difference and I know that I "reached" her. So, my "vocation" to be a foster parent was definitely confirmed by that relationship.

I cried the most during that reflection time because it is overwhelming to know how much of a difference I was able to make, mostly by just being "me" and using the gifts that God has given me. Also, the word "vocation" really stood out to me because I definitely feel like I am doing what God has called me to do and it is a struggle when it isn't seen as "normal" by societal standards. I wrote in my journal that when he said his "vocation was confirmed by his relationship", it spoke volumes to me about really being aligned with God's plan and being able to appreciate that calling rather that feeling some sort of "shame"for acting outside of the "norm" and instead embracing the gift.

The second part was about grace and the scriptural model versus the Western/secular/capitalistic model. I really had a hard time being able to write notes, but it did make sense while I was there...well, kind of! Basically, I think the point is that the "common" view is that God rewards us with grace according to our good deeds and God, grace, and self are all separate while the scriptural model is that grace/the Holy Spirit is within meaning that God is present in the slightest moments, in every moment of every day. All gifts come from God, without God you can do nothing. He talked about the vine and the branches and how they cannot be separated and survive.

During this reflection time, we were to read part of this book the facilitator wrote, but I chose just to do my own reflection. I carefully got into a hammock and immediately thought of my "one word" for this year which was "trust" because I'm not always so graceful and am kind of surprised (pleasantly) that I didn't flip right out of the hammock! During this time, I thought about all the people God has placed in my life who DO have this view that God is present every day, in every moment, even when things are tough. In the sharing portion, I talked about Sara and her "Choose Joy" mentality that has trickled down into everyone who has been blessed to know her. I also shared about feeling God's presence during the time I was "mom" to the little one and the teen, particularly how the weeks/months of waiting this summer not knowing when they were going home allowed us just to enjoy each other's presence for how ever long we had. That time gave us the opportunity to flourish our relationship and establish more trust. As I sat in the hammock, I could feel the warm sun on my left cheek and the cool breeze on my right. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and it was just a beautiful day...one that I likely could have missed with all my running from here to there and everywhere on any other day.

After lunch, I went and walked the labyrinth. I think it is amazing that this is the fifth time I walked it and each time there is a different experience. Again, Sara is not far from my thoughts, especially when I breathe in the fresh air remembering that I ought not take this for granted. How "choosing joy" can change your perspective. The day before the retreat, I raked my leaves and chose to see the filled bags and "clean" yard as a sense of accomplishment, witnessing the fruits of my labor, rather than dwelling on the fact that many more leaves would be falling and need to be raked too. As I walked, I thought about having a gift of "openness"--being open to sharing my thoughts, open to listening to, open to God's will (my "one word"-trust), open to hearing Him, open to suggestions/advice, open to trying new things, and open to people whose idea/opinions differ from mine.

During the third part, he talked about the booklet that I didn't read, but had us reflect on a normal day and how/where we saw God's presence. During my reflection time, I was reminded of a quote from St. Francis of Assisi that says "Preach the Gospel at all times...when necessary use words." While I am more "extraverted" than I used to be, I still remain somewhat of a quiet observer in order to learn what I can about people, their stories, their experiences, in order to better serve them, others in the future, and myself. During the sharing time, someone reflected that they find God in the laughter she hears throughout the day. Another person spoke of taking time each day to be quiet with God.

In the fourth part, he asked if we saw nature as a powerful symbol of God as creator. I admitted that I haven't always been one to appreciate nature, but am getting better at not taking it's beauty for granted. In conclusion, we are to recognize our gifts and know that all gifts come from God, we are to be ready to share our gifts, and trust our inner self as action of the Spirit (at least this is what I can gather from the brief notes I wrote under "conclusions"...ha!) We ended with the Veni, Sancte, Spiritus which I would type here, but it is long and this is already very long! He gave us a handout called "Rummaging for God: Praying Backward Through Your Day" that I haven't looked at yet (I just re-found it!), but sounds like an interesting read.

So, it was a much different experience than the other four "gratitude" retreats I have attended, but I think that's a good thing. It definitely stretched my thinking, even if at times it made me feel like I was in school (it's okay to make my brain work differently, right?!) It was definitely a good reminder to continue to appreciate the little things since God is present in the slightest moments...and all gifts come from Him. WE are the Body of Christ and are to be God's Temple, His Dwelling Place.

I have so much to be grateful for, including the fact that I was able to get a day off to attend a retreat :) And, now I have next year's retreat to look forward to, and another retreat to look back on :)

Good night.

Snow Days

Like most of the rest of the country, we have been dealing with cold and snow where I live. The teen did not have school yesterday or today. Yesterday, I was off too, but today I was not. Things have gotten pretty much "back to normal" after the events of Sunday.

Monday morning, before school, I told the teen that it's okay to be angry/upset, but that she needs to talk about it. Saying hurtful things to me does not help either of us. At that point, she wasn't willing/able to say anything. Since then, I have left her to herself (with music and the computer) and give her time to process whatever she needs to process. I'm not comfortable with conflict either, so this could be the easy way out, but I am also an ENFJ and I also think that I need to give her space and keep open communication for when/if she wants to talk about what's going on. However, this does not mean that I will miss opportunities to remind her that people, all people, deserve to be treated with respect and there will be consequences if she treats me otherwise. I can't really remember two days ago, but I think she started making a little bit of "small talk" as soon as she got home.

On Monday, I went and saw my counselor and also saw the doctor about my PCOD and started taking progesterone to help with that. I brought the little one to her mom's for the day, so it kind of was a take care of me day :)

Yesterday, I ventured out in the snow to meet with the caseworker. We have been talking about what to do about the teen and school. I told her that with the way she's been treating me, I am not sure she would want to stay if given the choice. However, I think we planned out an approach that would explain it as being easier for their mom and better for the teen. The consensus is that the teen is scared/conflicted/worried/etc. about going home, but is unable/unwilling to talk about it. So, it's easier to turn me into the "bad guy" or say things to try to make her unlikable (sorry, sweetheart, you can't get rid of me that easily!)

When I came home, I realized she ate a bagel...yes, one of the bagels the little one and I made that she told me she would not eat because I made them. Stinker! In the afternoon, I took her to see her counselor who agreed to meet with her even though the roads were kind of bad and there was no school. (I called and told her they needed to talk!) I think the session must have worn her out because she took a nap which she rarely/never does. She also took excedrin and her headaches have to be pretty bad for her to take anything. Poor kid. So, I left her be for the most part, locked in her room with music and fb while I entertained her sister and made dinner. We did watch some TV and "chilled" together after the little one was in bed, not talking about any of the hard stuff, but I think it's okay.

Today, she spent the day at my sister's with the little one while I was at work. My sister gave her passes to a work out place and I asked if she wanted to do it together. She said sure...and I call that progress :) The woman who owns the Curves where I've been a member for over 7 years is selling it, so maybe it's time to look elsewhere...or maybe it's just what we need for the short-term. It wasn't long after I asked her about her history test that was supposed to be yesterday and is now tomorrow that she left the room to get ready for bed. I am trying not to read into that, though, because it also was the time we usually go to bed and her show was over.

I have done a lot of talking/processing too and can actually say that I'm proud of how I was able to handle things. I've heard it isn't easy to be the parent of a teenager (or any age kid!) and I'm parenting a teen who isn't mine...and have been for nearly 8 months now. Granted, she is super easy, especially after reading the twitter feed/blog of someone who has a not-so-gracious, responsible, or quiet teen, but it's still challenging...and rewarding :)

I have learned SO much from this experience, and it isn't over yet, so there are certainly more lessons to be learned! In the mean time, I am enjoying having the old teen back :)

Good night.

I'm an ENFJ

A while back, I took a Myers-Briggs test on fb. It told me that I was an ENFJ (Extroverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging).

The other day on twitter, Lindsey posted about being an ENFJ and I decided to take another quiz. She had gotten two different results on whatever quiz she took, so I was interested.

In the test that I took, it "confirmed" that I was an ENFJ--11% Extroverted 12% Intuitive 88% Feeling 22% Judging.

I found this site (which, "coincidentally" is the same page I found when I "googled" it the last time!) and it's amazing to me that 72 "random" questions can tell you so much about yourself! Even reading the description the second time left me nodding my head, wondering if it's magic or something...ha!

I think it was a good time to re-visit this because it explains a lot about the struggles I have in my role as a foster mom.

Here are a few "highlights" from the "Portrait of an ENFJ":

• ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this.
• ENFJs tend to define their life's direction and priorities according to other people's needs, and may not be aware of their own needs. It's natural to their personality type that they will tend to place other people's needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their own needs so that they don't sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others.
• ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than other extraverted types. Although they may have strongly-felt beliefs, they're likely to refrain from expressing them if doing so would interfere with bringing out the best in others.
• When faced with a conflict between a strongly-held value and serving another person's need, they are highly likely to value the other person's needs.
• People love ENFJs. They are fun to be with, and truly understand and love people. They are typically very straight-forward and honest.
• ENFJs have a special gift with people, and are basically happy people when they can use that gift to help others. They get their best satisfaction from serving others. Their genuine interest in Humankind and their exceptional intuitive awareness of people makes them able to draw out even the most reserved individuals.
• In general, ENFJs are charming, warm, gracious, creative and diverse individuals with richly developed insights into what makes other people tick. This special ability to see growth potential in others combined with a genuine drive to help people makes the ENFJ a truly valued individual. As giving and caring as the ENFJ is, they need to remember to value their own needs as well as the needs of others.

Some "highlights" from another reference about ENFJ's:

ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.

Face-to-face relationships are intense, personable and warm, though they may be so infrequently achieved that intimate friendships are rare.

Dominant Feeling prefers to find the silver lining in even the most beggarly perceptions of those in their expanding circle of friends and, of course, in themselves.

Well, that's a lot of "other peoples' words" for one post, but I really think they say a lot about who I am. That's really helpful to me considering I have a hard time with the "who I am". This explains a lot about why I do what I do, why I struggle with certain things, why I thrive in certain situations.

And now I can see that being a foster parent fits the "ENFJ" personality, but it also makes sense as to why my heart has been so torn, especially in recent weeks...

I do try to see the best in people, and bring out their best. I WANT the girls' mom to be successful and so it is disappointing when she falls short, especially when it means letting down her kids. They have been in foster care for over ten months now and I found out today that they may not even be going back by the beginning of December like I had thought (my "glass half-full" thinking) since it has taken her so long to start doing the things that have been asked of her to do. As much as I love her girls (I would let them stay forever if that is what was best), the truth is that the longer they are with me, the harder it will be to let them go...and the more frustrated I will be with her for letting it happen. The teen doesn't say anything about it, but I care so much about her that it is SO hard to do the "tough love" thing with her mom if she is the one who will "suffer"...

I know that I have gotten a lot better at standing up for myself and taking care of my needs as well as the needs of others. I am trying very hard not to get wrapped up in the needs of their mom while still being supportive and bringing out the best in her/seeing the "silver lining". Even though she seems to know what buttons to push to bring me to tears, she has not seen me cry. I am actually proud of how I have been able to listen to her "drama" without allowing myself to get emotionally involved in it (and still acting like I care tremendously about how busy and stressed out she is).

Anywho, this is a super long post and I should be heading to bed. The teen went to bed an hour ago which is not like her, so hopefully she's okay (there's my ENFJ coming out...ha!) She failed her biology test today even though she studied a lot for it. I'm so proud of her effort and can't imagine how deflating that is to try so hard only to fail.

Good night.

Talking It Out-Take Two

Yesterday's post got cut a little short because I ran out of time...it also went a bit of a different direction than I anticipated. I guess the original point was that talking about the girls and this whole experience is helping me realize not only how much I have learned, but how much I have changed...and also how MUCH of a difference I am making in their lives.

Last night, I was pretty sure their mom wasn't going to make a visit happen, and then was pleasantly surprised that she found transportation. While they were gone, I felt a little bit lost...until I realized I could eat chips for an "appetizer"and drink a Woodchuck while I watched "Medium" and it was very nice :) I also checked the teen's grades and it appeared that she not only didn't turn in a Spanish assignment, she had gotten a D on the quiz. Spanish is the only class she had an A in and I really don't think it is acceptable to have missing assignments. I also believe she kind of blew off studying for that quiz. She had made plans for both last night and tonight. I debated back and forth on if I should call her at her mom's and then if I should say something before she went out. I decided "no" on interrupting the visit, but "yes" on at least letting her know I was a bit upset about what I saw on her grades and wanted her to explain herself--BEFORE I made any rash decisions like making her cancel her weekend plans.

I'm a person who has conversations in her head before they happen to try and prepare myself. It sometimes helps, but really, how are you REALLY going to know what the other person is going to say in order to prepare your response?! However, I thought I had it "scripted" pretty well in my head.

I did not anticipate that the little one would come home crying and I'd end up nearly "shouting" my "script", quickly discovering that they did not come out NEARLY as well as planned and knowing right away that I'd screwed up. I should have waited. It really COULD have waited, especially since I was going to let her go to the movie with her friends. She is speaking to me tonight, so I can say in hindsight that both of us did "well". She was giving me "attitude", but was able to come back with a "you gave me attitude first". To her credit, while I did not intend to have an attitude, the way things came out, I can see where it may have felt that way. I let her know that if she continued to act like that, I could tell her friend to go home. I apologized a hundred times, letting her know that I knew I made a mistake and was sorry (this was after she told me that I ruined her night...seriously, I'm proud of her for actually being able to verbalize her feelings). She cried, I told her to have fun and that we would talk about this another time (I left her a note letting her know when we "re-visit" this conversation, we will start over :) ).

This little scenario has a number of examples of how much we are learning, and teaching each other. I knew an apology was necessary, and even though she wasn't able in that moment to accept it, I believe she has. Admitting I made a mistake was important for me to say AND for her to hear. Both of us are learning to be better communicators and properly handle conflict. This is something that I am still not "good" at, but I definitely have gotten better in the past couple of years, so role modeling that is really cool :)

Today, I went to work and my sister came to make sure the girls actually got picked up for their visit. They did. I had a good day at work, but kept wondering if they were going to get dropped off on time. I had left a note for the teen to either call my work or call my cell when they got home so I knew they arrived safely. Since I wasn't sure if she was going to be talking to me today, I figured I would have to call and check.

Drop off was to be 6:00. I decided to give the teen a little bit of time to be settled in before calling to check on things. At 6:25, I called and no one answered (she always answers the house phone when she thinks it could be me). At 6:35, I called and no one answered. So, I called their mom who told me they were "en route"...but she really wasn't. She asked when I got off and I told her my shift ends at 7:30, so I should be home by 7:45. She said they would be dropped off at 7:20 (I told her that we should try to stick to the plan we had previously decided, but her response was that we are "communicating" since things changed). I got off work early at was home by 7:30. No girls. I waited until 7:40 before I called to check and see where they were. Mom said they would be here soon. She was not with them, but they arrived here at 7:45.

I understand that it is hard to organize schedules and coordinate transportation when you don't have a car, but this really is her time to step up to the plate and show everyone she's ready to have her kids back.  I feel badly for her, but I'm really trying to distance myself from her drama. She DID get herself into this mess and needs to figure out how to get out of it. My job is to take care of the girls and myself. Not to say I won't support her and offer encouragement when I can, but it can't be to the point where it is harmful to me and my heart/feelings.

Okay, looks like this is going to need at LEAST a "Take Three". However, it is important to note that mom canceled the visit for tomorrow since she was too stressed out to try and arrange transportation. (Thank goodness my sister didn't make plans for tomorrow since I guess she has the girls for the day.) The nearly 11 minute conversation I had with her was just bizarre. Because of the flow of things, it almost sounded like she was intoxicated. She did, however, have some very nice things to say about me and about my relationship with the teenager. She also said that once she gets the kids back, she wants me to still be friends with them "and be one big happy family"...okay, even if parts of the conversation were "out there", it is nice to know that she would like me to still have a relationship with the girls (I think I can leave the "one big happy" part out...)

Time to wrap this up...back to work tomorrow, so I should be heading to bed (after I steal some of the microwave popcorn the teen made :) ).
Good night.

Talking It Out

"You're going to miss her."

I can't tell you how many times I have heard that during the past four months. The tears welled up in my eyes just typing that. My response is usually that I'm going to miss her sister just as much (or more!) And then I say that I have ALWAYS known that they weren't coming to stay forever. But, I suppose knowing it doesn't make it any easier...

Last weekend was tough...a different kind of tough than the weekend before that one. The more I have "talked it out", the more I realize that it actually was good for both of us. Part of being a parent, a BIG part (I think!) is being a role model to your children. That is just as important (or more) when the children are just yours for a time. It was important for her to see me speak up when someone was trying to take advantage of me/being disrespectful of me and my time/feelings. It is also important to role model "conflict" that didn't involve yelling or profanity. That conversation also showed ME how far I have come, how much stronger I am than I used to be. Although I'm not quite 100% sure this is what led to the teen being so upset with me she was left in tears, there still was a lesson there that she learned, even if she doesn't realize it for years down the road.

This week I have "talked it out" to anyone willing to listen. My poor student nurse got quite the earful on Monday, but it felt really good to talk about how much I am learning. To actually verbalize that I KNOW I am making a difference, that I KNOW they will take a part of me with them wherever they go, that I KNOW each of us is forever changed by this time spent together is really a big step for me. It's easy to dismiss "what I am doing" because when people say things about "what I am doing", I sometimes don't even know what they mean! I was staring at the teen the other night wondering why it was so hard to remember what it was like before she came to live here...

That thought causes tears to roll down my cheeks because there will come a day, likely not so far down the road that she will no longer sit across from me on the couch making fun of the "old people" on Days of Our Lives. (Wow, this post wasn't supposed to be so tear-filled...I just wanted to write about how I've been "talking it out!")

However, their mom doesn't appear to be doing exactly what she is supposed to be doing to get them back. It sounds like she is flaking out on coming to get them for their visit today. I feel bad because the girls will be sad, but the service coordinator told me that it isn't REALLY my problem. If she can't get the visits figured out, then there doesn't need to be a visit. Sounds simple enough, but my heart still struggles...

Well, it's time to pick the teen up from school. I'm thinking I'll need a "Talking It Out Part Two" some time VERY soon!

Living and Learning

I'm kind of glad I didn't get a chance to "blog" about this last night, because today gave me an opportunity to "talk it out" with quite a number of folks and I am feeling "better".

Friday was the first day of this new visitation arrangement. The current plan is that the mom (and her ride) is to pick up the girls AND drop them at my house, unless we mutually decide differently. It isn't ideal, but it was better than the other suggestions. It sounded like a good plan, especially since on weekends, the teen is here and I feel comfortable leaving her here alone with the little one. I try not to do it very often, but know that short periods of time are okay and I would never expect her to watch her for the entire 13 hours I am at work. Friday night, I started to get a little heartburn about the situation thinking that maybe someone SHOULD be here for pick up and drop off since I really don't want their mom or any other members of their family to just come hang out in my house for a while, especially while I'm gone. I don't ACTUALLY think that my teen would do that or really that the mom would either, but it was definitely a thought that left me feeling uncomfortable.

So, on Friday, my dad was here when the little one got dropped off (since the teen had gone out and wasn't able to watch her for a little while until I got home). Yesterday morning, my mom came over before they got picked up since I was at work. The plan was that my parents would be here when they got dropped off. Drop-off was to be 6:00, so they were going to be here at 5:45 in case they were early. I ended up having to go home from work early since we didn't have many patients, so told my parents they were "off the hook" (they were happy about that...God bless my parents, they have completely adjusted/rearranged their schedules to accommodate me and my girls).

At 6:15 I called to see where they were. She said they were 15-20 minutes away because they dropped off the boys first. I was already irritated because there wasn't a call and my parents would have been waiting half an hour by this point. They finally pulled up at 6:40, meaning my parents would have sat there waiting for an hour. That is ridiculous and completely disrespectful...which is what I told her. Well, not the ridiculous part, but I definitely let her know that it "wasn't right" to make people wait that long, especially since my parents were doing me a favor. "Apparently", they got lost and also had the times mixed up, but still...ridiculous. I know my parents would have been TICKED to wait that long and I would have felt AWFUL having them do me a favor and it turning into something like that.

Well, I found out HOW protective the teen is of her mom after that. From the moment I opened my mouth to talk to her mom, I could tell she was upset. Then, she shut herself in her room with her music and homework and refused to answer any of my questions. After I got the little one to bed, I tried to talk to her again and she started crying. All she would tell me was that she "wasn't going to tell me because I would keep doing it". I pleaded with her to please share because there is no way I CAN change if she doesn't give me the opportunity. I reminded her of how much I care about her and that if I was doing something that hurt her so bad that it made her cry, I really ought to know. She wouldn't budge, even after I told her I was going to call her mom to talk to her. (The conversation at my house didn't end very well because both the mom and her aunt got all defensive and rude, so we stopped talking about it and they left.)

I did call their mom and apologized for having the conversation in front of the girls, but it was something that needed to be said. I let her know that we need to make sure this didn't happen again. I pointed out that she, too, would have been upset if someone was THAT late. Everyone's time is valuable and if there is a schedule, we need to stick with it, unless there is communication to change it. It was a much more pleasant conversation and she voiced understanding of where I was coming from. She quickly pointed out that the teen is VERY protective of her mom, so she had a feeling that M was giving me a hard time. I let them talk since it seemed like the only way she was going to talk to me was if her mom said it was okay.

After that, the teen talked to me about this, that, and the other thing, but still refused to fill me in on what I did/do that brought her to tears. My best guess is that it was the conversation with her mom, but I suppose it could be something else. I reminded her that her mom is a grown-up, and so am I. Sometimes we may have to agree to disagree on some things. I'm not sure what else I said because things kept spilling out, but did tell her I'm here whenever she decides to talk. I also told her that I think we are a lot alike. It IS hard to tell someone that she/he hurt you and express those kinds of feelings. I definitely don't think I was able to do it at 15, but she is in a situation where those kind of conversations are important ones to have. The person who hurt her is her mom, not me, but I suppose I need to prepare myself in case I become the target of her anger/frustration.

I'm thankful that I've been working on my thick skin, because this transition back to home could get ugly. It sounds like her ONE plan for transportation may be falling through and right now I don't feel much like accommodating visits by providing transportation. I may change my mind for the girls' sake, but I also need to take care of myself and not let people take advantage of me...the same advice I have been giving to the teen :)

I'm actually feeling pretty strong right now, and have surrounded myself with people who have given me strength when I didn't have it. This morning, Ginger reminded me that your kids aren't ALWAYS going to like you. I know, "news flash", but it isn't a feeling I am used to having, so it was upsetting to me that the teen was so upset with me, but wouldn't tell me why. I also talked to another really good friend who gave me some more good advice :) I went to the Pediatric/Perinatal Memorial Service that I coordinated and visited with a chaplain, a child life specialist, the director of my department, and the manager of the NICU. Talk about talking to anyone who will listen...ha!

Talking it out helped me realize that I handled things just fine. I handled them the best way possible at the time, and that's really what matters. I HAD to stand up for myself and let her know that I won't tolerate being treated with disrespect. It actually was an important lesson for the teen to learn, even though she may not know she was learning it. I have told her that SHE matters, and me and my feelings matter too. Apologizing to her mom for having the conversation in front of the kids was a "grown-up" thing to do, and I'm proud of myself for keeping my cool and expressing myself without getting too emotional.

You live, you learn, that's what people say. And yes, I'm definitely living AND learning...and hopefully teaching some people along the way :)

Well, I am sure there is tons more I could say, but it's getting late and I work in the morning.
So, good night.

At the Mention of Her Name

The teenager isn't talking to me. I guess the upside of that is number one that it doesn't happen that often and number two that it means I get to use our computer.

Today we ran around all day long and the little one didn't go down for a nap until 3:30. She was surprisingly cooperative all through our errands even though she didn't get a nap...I am so blessed!

Our first stop was at the DMV to get the teenager her learner's permit. We went inside, then realized that I needed proof of address. I wasn't sure I had appropriate documents, but ended up finding some things in the car and we went back inside...to wait and wait for our turn. She got her picture taken, did the vision check and then the little one and I waited outside while she took her written exam. She took her time, but still didn't pass so we will have to go back. She was given some practice questions so hopefully she will pass the next time.

From there, we went to the mall so she could use my "Vicky's" coupons which were for a free pair of underwear and $10 toward anything (she got three mini lotions/perfumes). We then grabbed lunch to go from Panera and went to meet with the caseworker at the agency.

We ate lunch and filled out paperwork. While we were at the DMV, we discovered that M's birth certificate has a different birth date than everything else...not sure why she didn't know when her birthday was, but it is what it is. Unfortunately, that doesn't sound like something very fun to change (I don't think her birth certificate is wrong like she suggested...guess she'll have to ask her mom the next time she sees her!) The agency had a bunch of clothing donations, so we got some things for the little one. "M" was given the tubs with things her size/age and pretty much stuck her nose up at everything until I went through one with her and showed her some items th
at WOULD fit and that money doesn't grow on trees at my house...ha! She's always a little "stand-off-ish" when we meet with the caseworker and hardly says a word which is totally not typical of the girl who talks my ear off even when I'm OBVIOUSLY reading/typing something on my computer...ha! I'm not sure why she is so rude, but I guess the caseworker is used to it and I haven't figured out a way to address it, or even know if I should.

After we got home, I put the little one down for a nap, did a few things, and then called my mom in another room while M was on the computer. I was talking to my mom about a couple of different things, including L's birthday that is coming up on the 27th. I think I will have a small lunch party for her on that Saturday with pizza and cake. I mentioned to my mom that I hadn't decided yet if I should invite the previous foster parents since the girls were with them for six months (and they are paying for M to go to private school, but she doesn't know that). Apparently M was listening because she yelled a "No" to which I shot back an "I wasn't talking to you". When I was off the phone, I let her cool off a little before I apologized for snapping at her, but really WASN'T talking to her. She wouldn't look at me, but responded by telling me that if she was invited, she wouldn't come out of her room and she basically that she doesn't appreciate me even thinking about asking them because they aren't "family". She said a few other things regarding "the way she was treated there". I have a hard time believing things were THAT bad there (HELLO, they put her in private school and are still paying for it even though she is living with me!), but told her that I appreciated her input and would take it into consideration.

That conversation happened an hour or so ago and she hasn't spoken to me since. She finished her practice questions and then went to her room. It amazes me that the mention of "her" name has such an effect on M. I suppose I really DON'T know what went on there, but I do figure that a teenager who is placed in foster care isn't going to be a big fan of her first foster parents no matter how hard they try. Obviously, the fact that they had two teenagers of their own living there (plus a bunch of pets) means it was a lot different dynamic than it is here. Plus, it was the school year not the summer, and I haven't put limits on television watching/computer use up to this point. Anyway, she did pretty much seal the deal on my decision NOT to invite them, but I guess there is nothing wrong with having her wonder about that for a little while.

I haven't heard when visits are going to start up again and I suppose she probably has some built-up anger against her mom that she isn't willing to place ON her mom. I can take it, right?! Ha! Well, I suppose it's time for me to go see what kind of mood she's in now because the little one can't sleep all night and we need to figure out dinner.

Ah, the life of the mom of a teenager...I'm counting my blessings, though, because I know it could be a LOT worse!

Night time update: Me blogging + her taking a nap = things seem to be back to "normal"
We went to "Dollar Tree" and got party supplies for a Princess Party for super cheap and did our work out after having ice cream together. Now it's time to watch Days of Our Lives on DVR ;)

As I Was Saying

Yep, honeymoon definitely over (or at least on a "break").

Oh, you were fun while you lasted...trips to the zoo, the park, the swimming pool. Catching fireflies watering the flowers, and drawing with sidewalk chalk. Coloring pictures and playing with Barbies. Singing to the radio and drinking smoothies.

Back to work tomorrow, so it's going to be early to bed for me.

AFTER I write about the "event" that led to my "need" to journal before going to bed.

We were having a grand old time making smoothies, then drinking them while we listened to music (and sang). There was "spillage" of a smoothie in the kitchen during the making process and the nearly-three-year-old was "warned" to be careful. Since we were drinking them in the living room on the couch where there was carpet, there were constant reminders (while in the back of my mind I knew that the likeliness of there NOT being at least a little spill was slim-to-none, even WITH all of the "warnings".) And so, in an act of silliness, the little one dumped nearly an entire glass of strawberry smoothie on the carpet.

I will admit to not being 100% calm, but I made her sit down on the couch while I got stuff to clean. Of course, her sister came and scooped her up "saving" her from my "anger" (I may have slightly raised my voice, but did not yell at her). I had her help me spray the carpet and "forced" her to sit near me while I cleaned...the whole time she was crying and the "mother hen" was watching. After I was done (pretty darn sure that it isn't coming out with MY carpet cleaner), I gave her a hug and told her I knew it was an accident, but we had talked about being careful. I decided it was bed time and her sister reluctantly let me be the one to take her to brush her teeth and then gave in to her tearful request for her to be put to bed by her sister instead of me...

I am sitting her wishing I had handled things a little differently, like maybe coming right out and telling "M" that I was handling things and she should "butt out" but not really in those words. "M" is a GREAT help (I can't complain when dishes and vacuuming are done without prompting!) but at some point, I probably DO need to come out and remind her that she is not "the mom" here. I don't exactly know how to do that, or if it is something that needs to be done in the very near future. I haven't imposed much "authority" in these nearly two weeks since the girls have been here, mostly because it hasn't felt like I had to do much. I guess maybe this is why one of the caseworkers was "worried" about me having a teenager! It is one thing to have authority over a two year old, but putting a 15 year old in her place (especially with something like her trying to be the parent) is more challenging than I thought it would be!

I suppose this was bound to come some time! I'm all about learning, so hopefully I have learned from my "mistake" and handle things a little bit differently next time (You, M, go somewhere else while I handle this with L; you are not the "mom" here...something!)

Well, I'd better head to bed. I haven't worked in nine days, so hopefully I remember how to do my job!

Good night.

Lots of Firsts

I wasn't kidding when I wrote that it has been a whirlwind! Even before I got my FIRST foster placement, there were lots of others!

• I visited Pittsburgh for the FIRST time and went to the zoo and the children's museum.
• I met Ginger's family for the FIRST time.
• I had steak salad and a special white pizza for the FIRST time.
• I went with Ginger and the kids to Mass and it was the baby's FIRST time.
• Not exactly sure why, but when I was there with Ginger and the kids, I felt for the FIRST time that I really was ready to try this "mom thing".

All in all, my time in Pittsburgh was just fabulous! It rained a couple of days which made it hard to do some of the outside things she had planned. Her new camera wasn't working, so we didn't take nearly as many photographs as either of us planned. Also, one day I was in my pjs until nearly 2:00 before I decided to shower and get dressed, so it isn't like we would have gotten photos of that...ha! Of course I cried when it was time to leave. When I got home, I found out that when her daughter got home from school, she said she wished I was still there...and I cried again (and then I had to get to work making calls to the caseworkers!) I've been pinching myself a lot these days, but it's just hard to believe how much fun we have together when it is "by chance" that we know the other exists. I'm not sure when we will get to see each other again, but we're both hoping for sooner rather than later. =)

• Last night was my FIRST night with the foster kiddos. I think I'll call them "M" (15) and "L" (2 1/2) (since that's the first letter of the names they go by and will be easier for me to remember!) Their current foster mom dropped them off and left once we got involved in playing. We played Barbies (my FIRST time in a little while!) and the little one explored my basement with all of it's toys. We watched some TV for a while (and I discovered that I'm getting a bunch of channels I'm not paying for...score! I'm already paying too much, so I SHOULD be getting those channels!) They went to bed without any fuss, although I'm supposed to try and get the little one to sleep in her own bed, but that didn't happen last night...baby steps!
• My FIRST "foster mom fail" is that I had forgotten to get sliced cheese at the store on Friday night. It was late and I knew I had forgotten it, but was done shopping and the cheese was on the other side of the store, so I decided it could wait. Of COURSE "M" wanted a sandwich and I'm like well, I'm not sure I have mayo or anything (I did, but no mustard) and the only cheese I have is shredded or in string cheese form. So, she made her sandwich with string cheese...at least I got a smile out of her over that one!
• Today, I brought them to Mass for the FIRST time and they also met my mom, dad, sister, and nephew for the FIRST time. "M" was super quiet and my nephew was walking toward "L" like he was going to attack her, so she was shy as well...I didn't make them stay long (we were at my mom and dad's house).
• I saw "16 and pregnant" for the FIRST time...and likely should not have been watching it with my 15-year-old foster daughter. I'm thinking we'll have to set some TV rules...any ideas/suggestions?! Apparently, they were only allowed to "earn" very small amounts of TV time in the other home. I wasn't "allowed" to watch MTV growing up, so maybe I should make the same rules...I don't know. I definitely think we should try to do things without the TV on considering the weather is nice and all of us could use exercise.
• I had my FIRST oh.my.goodness.the.foster.care.system.is.crazy moment. I thought that the girls had a visit with their mom at 2, so they would be picked up around 1:30. Well, that time came and went and some time around 2, I called to see if they had gone to the other house instead of mine. Nope. She called me at nearly 2:30 to say that the transport person had just left there. It's only about a 10 minute drive, so when it was nearly 3, I called the foster mom who has the brothers to see if THEY had been picked up. Nope, and they usually get picked up at 2. Oh.my.goodness! I felt really bad for "M" as she sat here knowing full well that the visitation agency is kinda crazy and usually come late, send different people, etc. She also knew that the later it got, the shorter her visit with her mom. I was on the phone with the other foster mom when a guy pulled up in this little sports car and I told her that I wasn't sure how five kids would fit in there because there aren't even that many seat belts! Apparently, he didn't know to come here, he didn't know who was picking up the boys, he asked if he could use my car seat since his doesn't work well, and he didn't have his ID but asked "M" to verify that he had transported them to many visits. "Cluster*" for sure...wow!
  
  I'm sure this is the FIRST list of many FIRSTS that will come during this journey! However, I still think it feels like a "good fit" for my FIRST placement. My anxiety right now is about going to work tomorrow and negotiating my schedule. We are working on the schedule for July and it will be picked up tomorrow to finalize. The schedule I have would have been "ok/not great" for me alone, but does not appear like it will work well for me + kids. Because of the holiday and the way we do our weekend teams, I'm supposed to have to work every weekend in July (besides the one I requested off for the transplant reunion and my grandpa's 85th birthday party) which is not-so-great when you have kids. I would have just changed it, but it looked like it would mess things up, so I'd rather talk one-on-one with my manager/the scheduling person. Any spare prayers that I can get my request to have Tuesdays (softball), Fridays, and Sundays (visits) off (basically, that I can get the schedule I want!) would be appreciated :) I think they each have an additional visit, but am not sure what days those will be.

I can't believe the number of fb comments I have gotten supporting me in this "endeavor". I really am feeling the love and that definitely helps! :)

Well, I'd better head to bed. I went back to the grocery store and we now have sliced cheese (and some of the other things that "M" said they like).

More to come...although I'm not sure what being a foster mom is going to do to my blogging/twitter habit ;)

Good night.

An Open Book...or Not

This morning, I had my home study. The case worker got here at 10 and left nearly three hours later. She would ask a question and I would just talk and talk. I told her all SORTS of things, even things not many people know. It was pretty crazy how things just came spilling out of my mouth. I mean, I know I'm a Chatty Cathy (that post was written about the first time I met the "baby" and his mom, so it's appropriate timing to link to that!) but seriously, I was an open book. I even started crying about certain things I shared. I'm fairly certain she wasn't expecting my "life story" (I just MET with my counselor last week...sheesh!), but she said it helped to know about me for future reference when I get a placement.

This afternoon, I met with my Spiritual Director (I had to take a little rest in between my two "therapy" sessions...with my actual "therapy" session last week and breakfast with my "put things into perspective friend" in the morning, I should be emotionally stable for a while...ha!) Again, I just started right in talking and sharing. This was more faith/prayer based, but I had also done a lot of sharing about how important it has become for me to trust God and His plan for me and my life. I talked to her about how "holy" my Holy Week/Easter was (and that it was even more special because I "brought" Gitz with me in my heart since she is unable to attend services...or anything outside the home for that matter). I shared that I will be traveling to Tennessee next week to be my cousin's Confirmation sponsor. An hour went by SO fast...as it always does when I am with her or with my counselor (I love that they have very different personalities...AND that they both enjoy listening to my rambling...ha!)

I mentioned in my post on Tuesday that I could go to a party and find someone to talk to...and obviously have no problems talking and talking to anyone who is available to listen...ha! Why, then, does this "Dale Carnegie" thing with my colleagues freak me out so much?! Why is it that someone I have talked to quite a few times at work was SO surprised by character traits (one being that I am a "risk taker") that she pointed it out? Why is it that I feel like the people at work don't REALLY know me...and, is that good, bad, or "neutral"? Why, then, am I completely freaked out by the email I got from the instructor about preparing for our next class--here's what she wrote:

• We set goals on page 1.10, using the first nine principles (I included these in the post from Tuesday). Please be prepared to share an experience that illustrates your recent (since last session) application of one of the Enhance Relationships Principles from that commitment. (ugh!) Use the Magic Formula for Influencing Action to structure the report: incident, action, benefit. These are simply your chance to report to us what has happened since you’ve made a change as you strive to enhance relationships with patients, their families, and co-workers. This incident should be work related.
• Have a conversation with someone you don't know well, and someone you do know pretty well, using the ideas from the conversation starters we learned in picture format. Be ready to share some successes with the group.
• Begin reading in the "How to Win Friends" book. The first nine chapters would be minimum...

I discussed my "anxiety" about this with my spiritual director (since she is familiar with this training and the book). Together we prayed, and I will continue to pray, about this training and all that it involves. I guess everyone is in the same boat as me in terms of having to share and step outside their comfort zone (I imagine some even more than me if they aren't naturally a "chatty" person!) I suppose I better get to reading and preparing :o)

By the way, I am actually rather sore from carrying my 19+ pound nephew around the zoo yesterday, but I wouldn't change a thing--"he ain't heavy, he's my nephew... :o) "

Good night.
P.S. Ginger texted me today to say that the newest addition to their family will be here April 23 if not before!! Can't wait to meet Little Miss Cate :o)

Children's Museum

So, I had this idea that since I work three days a week, I would be able to take "my" kids out of the house on my days off to places like the park, the zoo, and yes, the Children's Museum. After today, I'm not so sure! I went to the Children's Museum this afternoon with a friend, her two kids, and one of their friends. So, three kids and two adults. Sounds good, right?! Well, maybe it would have been okay had I been there alone with my one child, but that's not how it was. Her kids are a bit, um, rambunctious...or, maybe they are just "kids"?! She and her husband adopted both of them from foster care, but they got them as infants, so it's hard to tell nature vs. nurture. Anyway, I realized that the Children's Museum is not an easy place to take your children...

As soon as we got our hands stamped, the three children took off running full force...and one of her kids plowed RIGHT over another (smaller) child. My friend did retrieve her child and took him to apologize, but still, that wasn't a great way to begin. Then, we were in this grocery store area where they encourage the children to put away the groceries/carts/baskets when they were done. Of course it's mostly the parents doing that, and of course there were only two carts which is potential for trouble. There were a few meltdowns in the "grocery store" before we headed to the construction exhibit. This area was pretty spread out with a number of things for kids to do, but of COURSE there were things that "everyone" wanted to do which required taking turns and sharing...

This is where I'm thinking that the Children's Museum is not a place to take a child I don't know very well. It's hard enough to parent your child and have them share and take turns, but when your child is trying to work with other children whose parents may or may not be encouraging them to take turns and share...well, that's tough. And, if you have a child who really is determined NOT to share/take turns/watch out for other kids (especially smaller ones)...well, I guess that's when you leave... And, when do you decide whether or not to let the kids just work it out for themselves...and if YOU decide to let them, who's to say that the OTHER parents will agree with you... So, um, yeah, the Children's Museum is no longer at the top of my list of things to do if I have a child of museum-going age come to live with me.

Well, I forgot to DVR The Biggest Loser and I'm totally annoyed with myself. But, it's getting me to bed earlier than I anticipated, which is good since my student is no longer with me and I'll have to take care of my patients all by myself (I hope I can handle it!)

Good night.

I Needed That

I didn't cry yesterday. I didn't cry today either. I think (hope!) Aunt Flo is leaving...this visit was extremely unpleasant.

Anyway, I still didn't feel the greatest yesterday, so planned on a day of lounging around (yes, ANOTHER one...I seriously only worked 1 1/2 shifts last week...I will have a rude awakening this week!) I helped with the phonathon at my high school from 9-noon, then went to the bank and picked up my new contact. I started my plans for an afternoon of watching TV on the couch when a friend from work called. She was out and about with her daughter, but needed to go to work to take care of something and asked if I could come keep her company. So, I packed a fun bag and played with a four-year-old for a little over an hour :o) It was really nice (and a very good reason to get off the couch!) I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening just vegging out watching TV. I took a little nap and played some songs on my piano. Since I pretty much had enough TV, I went to bed a little early and decided to read for a while.

I am a HUGE fan of the show Medium (which changed networks and nights and has thrown me off, but I don't think I have missed an episode!) and watched Friday's show yesterday afternoon. I was reminded that I bought this book in a bargain bin a while back, but had never even really looked at it. Monarchs are "special" to me, especially when thinking about my teacher who passed away this week. So, it seemed like the perfect time to read "Secrets of the Monarch". I read less than 40 pages, but there was so much that spoke to me and I REALLY needed to read last night.

Here are a few points that stood out:
"...the monarch butterfly takes several generations to complete its journey north, only to turn around and fly back to where its great-grandparents came from...the monarch concept is that our individual lives are part of a bigger story involving our friends and our family..." (p. xiii, xv) [this goes on to point out that our lives are the way they are because of generations before us, and our lives now will affect those of the people to come...I also like the new show "Who do you think you are?" :o)] "We cant's live forever, but a part of us will remain through memories of us and will contineu to move our family and friends forward. Everyone has a path to walk that will help someone he or she loves to do more, be more, and learn more, so that person in turn can pass it on to future loved ones who will do the same, and so on....Remember, if you live well, you will die without regrets, and that is the key to being true to oneself and those we love." (p. xxi-xxii)

"Take a chance and make your time here memorable. Remember, taking risks is what legends are made of." (p. 27)

"So much can be learned from those who lived and died before us...I've learned to live in the moment, love with all you have, and don't let others design who you are. You be the artist of you." (p. 39)

The "tag-line" (I guess that's what it's called) is "What the dead can teach us about living a better life". Now, I'm not going to say whether or not I "believe" in "mediums", but I'm definitely looking forward to reading more of her perspective. And, I don't think picking up this book could have come at a more perfect time :o)

Well, it's 30 minutes to "bed time" so I should say good night so I can read some more. I spent today with my sister getting my hair done (colored and cut...I'll post pictures when I can, but the color doesn't really show up that well unless I'm in a certain light). This evening, I volunteered again for the fundraiser at my high school. I realized today that I have something going on every single night for the next three weeks...crazy! Guess that means maybe I'm NOT ready for a child to be placed in my home?! Not sure...we shall see!

Good night.

Being Social

I forgot to mention that on Monday (the day I got my "trial run"), this reflection (my "Minute Meditations") was in my inbox--"Christ does not give a mission without supplying the means to accomplish it." —from Saint of the Day Um, yeah, how's THAT for timing?!

Yesterday, I went to a luncheon with my mom and some of her co-workers. Her boss and his wife were big donors for the event to honor child advocates and benefit a facility that works with child abuse victims. So, we sat at the "head table" next to the speaker and "Master of Ceremonies". The speaker actually came and introduced herself to our table before her talk. The child abuse statistics, particularly the sexual abuse statistics were tough to swallow. The speaker travels all around the country sharing her story of surviving sexual abuse. While her story was awful on so many levels, the "worst" part is that her mother died at age 88 not believing that the abuse ever occurred. Since we were at a "donor table", we got autographed copies of her book. It looks like something I should read...and from her presentation, it sounded like it could benefit everyone to know how to help victims, and protect people from becoming victims... I am glad my mom invited me to go with her because it definitely was a good talk to hear.

After the luncheon, I picked up shamrock shakes for my sister and me. It was a nice day, so I helped her get the boys bundled up and we went for a short walk. I stayed for a while and visited with them (her nephew is kind of a fuss bucket...I feel kinda bad for her to deal with that every day!) I went to Curves and then actually cooked dinner :o)

This morning, I led my last meeting as chair of the unit committee...yay! It wasn't NEARLY as stressful today knowing we had an extra hour. After two years of fighting against the clock to get stuff accomplished, our manager decided to make the meetings three hours instead of two. Gee, thanks for nothing! We probably could have gotten done in 2 hours and 15 minutes this morning, but had ordered pizza and spent a bit of extra time discussion topics that wouldn't have necessarily needed that much time. I'll still get to "stop by" the meetings to give my report from the other committee I am a member of, but won't have to stay the whole time. That will be nice (except for the slight decrease in pay since I won't have those extra meetings!)

After the meeting, I talked to my manager for a little while. Then, I went to the grocery store (with a ton of coupons from coupons com ...um, REALLY glad I know about THAT site now!) before going to the dentist. I had them give me a couple kid toothbrushes to keep on hand :o) In between my dentist and EYE appointment, I got a call from my caseworker (I KNOW!) She actually was looking for someone to do "respite care" for a baby while the foster parents go to a foster parent conference. It's for a Thursday/Friday/Saturday and of COURSE I was scheduled to work and from the looks of the schedule, it didn't look like ANYONE could switch with me! So, I told her to keep looking while I kept looking. I took a "shot in the dark" and called the nurse who was really nice to me on Monday to see if she would change Wednesday for Friday and she said yes! I called the caseworker back and said that will work! I think that will be a good way to see exactly how "ready" I am :o)

I went to the eye doctor (and had to get a new contact...boo!) Then, I had a "decision" to make. My choir practice was canceled because the school kids were doing "The Wizard of Oz". I thought that would be cute/fun since I know so many of those kids and their parents (and the music teacher was MY music teacher!) However, I also got an invitation to attend a Catholic young adult gathering at a local restaurant.

I decided I should go be social with people my own age...and so I went.

I think many of the people in this group get together regularly. I have done a couple things, but it has probably been five years (there was this guy that I think liked me and I not-so-much felt the same way, so I pretty much avoided gatherings with that group). I decided to give it a whirl because I actually had forgotten about him and wasn't exactly sure WHO would be at this gathering. I walked in with another girl who obviously was alone. I said something to that effect and sat across from her. The speaker was a "younger" Young Adult who discovered she had been called to the religious life and will begin her training later this spring. Afterwords, we had "discussion questions" for the little small groups at our tables. Awkward?! Well, a little bit, but I'm a talker and I had some things to add to the discussion. There ended up being three girls and two guys in our "group" and I guess I would call it "interesting"...because I try to be a person accepting of ALL types of people, and respect those who are not like me. [One of the guys was really nice, the other guy seemed pretty shy. One of the girls seemed a little "socially awkward" and the other seemed a little judgmental. And me, when, you know I'm "perfect"...ha ha ha!] One of the girls asked if I was on facebook...okay, no harm in becoming fb friends. I did end up talking to an OB/Gyn who just happened to be across from me and one seat over...only unfortunately in a different "group". She and I did chat for a little bit since she knows one of the pediatricians I know. As I was leaving, I ran into "the guy" and I was "friendly". He mentioned something about wanting to call me and I was like "oh, I'm pretty busy these days, but maybe I'll see you at a future event or something..." I also talked to the speaker and she asked for my email so I could come pray with her and some other women some time...

As I was driving home, I wondered why this "spiritual time" was so much of an awkward, not especially enjoyable time, even when it was a "social event". I usually enjoy going to those kinds of things alone (eg. I went to a couple Natalie Grant concerts alone and to the Selah concert alone and on Thanksgiving retreats and fund raising events...) I am feeling bad because the thought that keeps running through my mind is "you're not better than them!" as if I'm trying to convince myself, but I know that everyone is special and no one is quite like me ;o)

I stopped at my mom and dad's on the way home so my dad could mail a package for me. Also, they were baby-sitting my nephew who learned how to crawl today!! It was adorable to see him crawling, especially since he WASN'T crawling when I saw him yesterday!!

I'm sure if I had chosen to go to the musical, I would have had a GREAT time. However, I had to give this social gathering a try. I'm not sure I will be super excited about another event with them, but another day, another experience, so who knows!

After three days "off", back to work tomorrow.
Good night :o)