What Could Have Been

What could have been...but (I guess) it wasn't meant to be...

A year ago this weekend, I went on a date with a guy I met at church. In case you don't want to go back and read the (lengthy) post about the date details, the "short story" is that we went ice skating on what was one of the coldest days of the entire winter. Such a crazy cold day to go ice skating that the local news station was there and interviewed us for the Late Local News...yes, our first date was broadcast on the news for all to see. Of course, as a person who had the title of "one date wonder", this left me conflicted and brought about unnecessary stress to a situation that already was stressful for me.

We went on a second date (and a third and a fourth...and more), but it was always kind of stressful for me. Maybe because I was dealing with the girls and wondering when they were going home wanting to spend as much time with them while I had them...or maybe not.

The weeks and months passed by and I really struggled with what was going on with me and the relationship. I chose the word "trust" for my "One Word" (my "reflection" will come in a later post, but it's a relevant reminder) in part because I knew that I wanted to be "open" and trust God's plan for me in this aspect, even if it was challenging. So, I prayed a lot about the relationship and my feelings about it, trying to make sense of why it was so hard and I found myself crying about it a lot too...and of course doing a lot of "talking it out" (because that's how I roll!) with trusted people in person and here on my blog.

Little did I know when I wrote this post back on June 4, I would not hear from him again. (I have seen him a couple of times at church, but we have not made eye contact. It still stings to know that I hurt him [but, I do remind myself that he never called me again after that night, so it wasn't me not returning his calls which, unfortunately, was the "fate" of the last guy who liked me that much].)That day was really hard. It was even difficult reading it again tonight and remembering how I felt that evening...I felt like I was outside myself observing the situation and trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me that I couldn't see how "good" this was and "want" it more than it felt like I did.

Thankfully, I saw my therapist a couple of days later. She reminded me of my "uniqueness" and helped me not see myself as being "in the wrong"...this was/is who I am. Now, I am feeling thankful that "vocation" is a word I heard a lot of growing up Catholic because now I am okay believing that singleness could very well be my "vocation". I actually have a lot of amazing single role models in my life who have taken that vocation very seriously and done amazing things with it. I am also thankful for all my "new" friends who speak often the word "ministry" which is not necessarily something I grew up discussion. However, I also see my that my own unique "ministry" (my "3Ps") that I love very much aligns well with my vocation as a single person.

Last year when we were at the ice skating rink getting filmed by a new crew, "another" couple was filmed as well. They were filmed as he proposed to her out there on the ice...just one year after they had a date on the ice too.

So, it could have been...but it wasn't meant to be...and I'm okay with that...and I do believe that I did "trust" God...

Checking In

I've been wanting to blog, I really have, but it's been a busy week and I'm tired! I actually am getting to work this week, which is fabulous, but does make for some long and tiring days. Today, I even went in for "overtime" which is very exciting (but, again, a little tiring after spending days at home lounging around!)

The girls are still living here as we continue to wait for the Judge's ruling. I talked to their GAL on Friday (I love her and wish we would have had her all the time, but it is what it is and she understands things very well!) who told me I would be one of the first to know when there is a report. She thought the State would have to arrange "pick up", so it isn't likely they would just come get the girls "randomly" while I was at work. She said that I could bring the girls and their things to their mom's if that would be a better/easier transition. There is a possibility that the order won't be for them to go home "immediately" and I think having a "date" would be easier for all of us (besides their mom who wants them home now...for reasons I best not type right now in my tired state in case I regret it later).

Their mom was MUCH less manipulative in her "conversing" with me this weekend, which was much appreciated (I was MORE than happy to send the requested milk + juice and bread with the girls today). I wanted to write a post titled "Out of Sight, Out of Mind", but may just have to write a small bit here. It feels like when the girls are with their mom, they have a good time, but when they are here, it is as if they really are "out of sight, out of mind". She knows how to contact me. She knows how to reach the teen (and the little one). But, she never does. She doesn't "communicate" until it's Friday afternoon and she "wants" them for the weekend. I think that is really sad. I ask the teen almost every day if she had talked to her mom, just in case there is some kind of communication occurring about visits or anything that I need to know about. The answer is always "no". I realize that the teen COULD contact her mom just as easily as her mom contacts her, but that isn't really the point. As much as I understand that this seeming lack of care and concern for her children isn't grounds to keep them living here, it still hurts to think about them going back to that way of living. I mean, when I'm at work, I call the teen at LEAST three times to check on her and she showed me the finger she burned on her flat iron at LEAST three times. She is used to the attention, and I'm pretty sure she likes it :)

I haven't heard from "the guy" since we went out two weeks ago. Maybe he knew things weren't really going to work before I did. I got mixed reactions from the relatives and friends I have talked to about what I discovered in therapy, but everyone has been more understanding than I expected. Of course, I still think I need to have some sort of conversation with him, but I'm okay waiting until we can meet face-to-face or at least have a phone conversation.

I've had two dreams during the past week that I needed to be licensed for three kids instead of just two. I don't think I'd really take three kids, but I did email my agency worker to see what would need to happen for me to get licensed for three. I think it is based on square footage, so I believe I could take four (or maybe even more) since I have a three bedroom house. I decided on two since that sounded more reasonable (I'm glad I didn't just say one!)

Well, this was supposed to be a super quick "checking in" post, but ended up being much longer! I need to end now so I can do a couple things before going to bed. I work the next two days, so that will be a "rude awakening" for my body. I have no idea when the girls will be back, but at least I won't miss them QUITE as much if I'm busy and tired!

Good night.

Thank You Therapy

I started seeing my counselor in Fall 2009 initially through the Employee Assistance Program. I was in pretty rough shape emotionally, but eventually came to the realization that while my life wasn't (isn't) "cookie cutter" or "normal" by society standards, that doesn't make it "wrong". I found a way to embrace my "singleness", and then found a way to be a mom. I learned that I'm not here to fit into the mold other's think I should fit into, I am here to do what God is calling me to do.

So, then what happened?!

I've been a mom for over a year and it has been the most amazing experience. Even though it will be incredibly sad when they go home, I know that I have given it my all and our lives are forever changed for the better. I have given them opportunities they would never have been able to experience. I have experienced love and laughter like none I had ever known. I love taking care of kids. I love being able to make a difference in their lives. I love being a mom.

I don't so much enjoy dating and that has been an ongoing struggle for me. I cried as I wrote this post on Saturday night and was pretty much left wondering what is "wrong" with me.

This morning, I dropped the little one off at her Spanish class and went to see K. Oh, how much I love K. We have been through a lot together and I've been seeing her twice a month during this time when I thought the girls were going home/are going home, but she has been working with me financially a lot (as in, today and a number of other sessions were free and she pretty much just has me pay what it costs her to "rent" the room for an hour...yeah, she's awesome). She made some really good points, I cried (of course), but agreed with her.

Once again, she helped me to embrace who I am, even if it isn't who "society" thinks I should be...or even who my family, friends, co-workers, neighbors think I should be. I need to be at peace with the fact that I have a gift for caring for kids and am called to that ministry, both as a pediatric nurse and a foster parent. I am not called to be in a committed relationship...at least not now. I have to believe that I gave it "the old college try" these past six months with possibly a guy who is 100% perfect for me, but I'm just not feeling it. The fact that I told her I was wondering what kind of "excuses" I would have to come up with once the girls go home pretty much sums things up.

She said I need to stop "should-ing" on myself...and I have been "should-ing" a lot in this relationship. I "should" text him to let him know I'm not working today. I "should" be excited when I get a text from him. I "should" say I'll go to dinner with him. I "should" talk to him before I accept any new placements. But, it "shouldn't" be like that. I KNOW it's not him (because he's a really great guy), that it's totally me, but she (tried to) help me see that this is "ok". There isn't anything "wrong" with me, this is just who I am...and why should I try to be someone I am not? That doesn't really help anyone. So, I need to be at peace with this, and hope "other people" are okay with it (and, if not, I need to be okay with that too).

Now, I just have to figure out when and how to tell him. Prayers certainly accepted and appreciated :)

What Do I Want?

This is one of those posts that has been floating around in my head waiting to get out. It also could end up being one that I maybe shouldn't have pressed "publish post", but it will be me how I am right now and it has always been good for me to see where I have been and how I got to where I am.

Dating.

For a while, I was called the "one date wonder" by a friend because over the course of a year or so, I went on 4 (maybe 5, maybe 3?) "first dates". All seemed to go well, but there was no second call, no further contact.

Tonight, I went out with a guy I started talking to 6 months ago. Mostly, we "talk" or "text", but we have gone out maybe seven (or eight...I stopped counting) times. He often makes me laugh when we text. We have a good time when we are together. I can tell he likes me...a lot. I have really struggled with that, especially because I don't know what I want.

I have been seeing my counselor twice a month for months now. I visit with my "spiritual director" about once a month. I think about it, sometimes pray about it, occasionally have talked about it to people other than those two women, but have no answers.

Last weekend, I was given time to think about a potential foster placement if the girls went home. It definitely crossed my mind that I wasn't feeling I needed to include him in any of the decision making process. I did a lot of thinking about what I wanted, but either didn't come to any conclusions, or didn't really like my answers (wow, I'm totally beating around the bush...or, maybe I'm even more confused than I thought I was, which seems impossible!)

What I thought about was that even through the ups and downs and stresses of the past year, I really think this is as happy as I have ever been (which I type with tears streaming down my face...awesome!) This past year, I was given the opportunity to do something I have wanted to do my entire life...and that is be a mom. As I thought of that potential placement earlier this week, I thought that if I spent my whole life taking care of other people's kids and never got married, I would be fulfilled...and I would be happy. Of course, then I thought of the argument people would have to say that it would be even more fun to take care of "other people's kids" WITH someone else.

But, do I "have" to? Is that what I'm "called" to do? Didn't I spent an entire year+ of therapy prior to the girls living here coming to the conclusion that my life is okay just the way it is, even if it isn't like anyone else's...or how other people think my life "should" be?

And then, there's this guy. This guy who probably has everything on the "list" I would have of what I wanted in that "special someone". When we started talking, I told people that "on paper" everything looks/sounds "perfect". But, beyond the "list", I don't really feel the desire for more. I find myself texting him when I think I am "supposed" to, or wait until he does and then of course respond, because it's rude if you don't. He texted me on Tuesday to see if we could do something some day/some time this week/weekend and I told him I was really busy and had a million things going on.

Seriously, I did.

Then, I had a change of heart (with a nudge from my sister) and texted him that if he was still free tonight, I would maybe be up to hanging out for a bit. As it turns out, he was baby-sitting his 3-year-old nephew (I know, cute), so it was a lot less stressful for me to go out with him anyway. He brought me a little rose from his garden (again, I know). We went Downtown and out to dinner. It was a good time, but again, I really don't know what I want...if I want anything more than that. It's "wrong", but I really like having the girls as an "excuse" and am a little anxious about what will happen when that excuse is gone.

The thing is, I probably shouldn't NEED an excuse. I probably need to talk to him. But, it's hard to talk about stuff like that when I have no clue what I want. I really do feel for him and think it is amazing that he has stuck with me for six months of this, but really how much is he going to be able to take? I'm frustrated with myself, so can't imagine what he's thinking.

Well, I'm not any closer to figuring out what I want, but I've used a couple tissues and made sure my tear ducts still work...yep, still intact and filled with tears (although not quite as full now ;) ) I guess I have more talking, and thinking, and praying to do, but now it is time to sleep.

Good night.

Making Memories

The next court hearing is three weeks from today on May 31. It does not sound like that will be moved up as had previously been discussed. Even with my reports and the reports from my agency worker, it seems likely that they could return to their mother immediately. The service coordinator said yesterday (in an email that was forwarded to me) that there is "nothing to be discussed" because there is no safety threat.  While I understood that this was a possibility, it still came as quite a blow yesterday and my stomach is still churning today. I always knew the plan was for them to go home. I'm even starting to think about how I will "do life" without these two people living here, while hopeful that they will remain in my life in some capacity. The teen gets out of school on May 25, so I'm wondering if they will just go "home" after that and then the hearing is a "formality". I'm not sure what to think, or what the judge will do. She is still just taking them every other weekend overnight and then one day of the opposite weekend. That is the part that frustrates me, especially since she has no contact whatsoever with them on the days they aren't with her. I understand there are lazy and emotionally neglectful parents out there who don't lose their kids. So, in reality, these kids are the "lucky ones" to have gotten "out" for nearly 18 months. However, that doesn't make it any less sad for me, wondering how they will adjust back to a life with minimal attention after they have basically had "undivided" attention for this long.

But, I have no control over any of that. So, we will continue spending time together, making memories, taking pictures, and loving each other for as long as things remain this way.

Here are some "highlights" from the past couple of weeks:

I accidentally ran over a bunny home with my lawnmower and a bunch of bunnies ran out.

We found two of them, and the teen put them back in their hole.

The little one thought that was fun.

My family got together to celebrate my Maternal Grandmother's birthday.

I was pleasantly surprised that the teen decided to come with me and the little one.

My mom had this idea for us to hold up my grandma's high school picture when we sang.

She didn't realize it was her at first, then got a kick out of it. My grandpa did too.

The little one had fun with the cardboard cut-outs later (not so much during the singing part...

she wasn't the center of attention during that and she doesn't so much like that ;) ).

The little one was DEFINITELY jealous when I held my cousin's baby at a bridal shower on Saturday.

She immediately had a meltdown about the knee she had hurt the day before.

Her mom is in for a rude awakening because that girl CRAVES attention...

and most of the time she gets it ;)

My nephew and the little one played at my aunt and uncles.

My nephew misses having her around now that she started day care.

I think she misses him a little bit.

My nephew will be two next month (wow!) but he thinks he's a big kid

and kept up with her walking around and around that garden, chasing her around the yard.

I got a REALLY cute picture of the two of them sitting on the rocks...

too bad I can't post it here :(

Friday night, I had the teen watch the little one since "ice skating boy" invited me to a dinner for his work. I'm wondering what kind of "explaining" he had to do yesterday ;) I'm still not quite sure about this "dating thing" and it feels really weird that he likes me so much, but we had a fun time and it wasn't really "awkward", so that's good ;)

Saturday was the bridal shower for my cousin. The little one came with, but the teen stayed home...hopefully she was studying. She seems like she has started slacking off a little bit since it is getting harder, but maybe she is just trying to stay calm. The little one and I went to the last show of the season at the children's theater (our SEVENTH!) My friend and her daughter actually came with us and as "coincidence" would have it, "ice skating boy" brought his nephew to the same show. They sat a couple of rows ahead of us and I didn't invite him to ice cream with us, but I did kind of sort of talk to him (yes, it makes me wonder why he likes me because I'm not always very nice...I have issues).

Sunday, I "facilitated" a visit for the girls seeing as it was MOTHER'S DAY. Actually, apparently, she gets to "pick" a day of the weekend they don't spend the nights and I highly encouraged the service coordinator to "make" her pick Sunday. I was at work and got some "Happy Mother's Day" wishes, and a couple of "well, sort of Happy Mother's Day" which I tried not to be offended by, but did make me remember the time the girls' mom told me "you'll be a good mom some day"...ha!

Last night was "May Crowning" at the teen's school. It brought back fond memories for me even though when I went there it was held in a courtyard and now it's in the gym. Unfortunately, the little one had not taken a nap at day care, so she was not-so-much into listening and being quiet, so it wasn't quite as much fun. The teen refused to let me help her study for a quiz which this morning she said she was going to fail. It makes me sad that she wouldn't at least let me try to help her even after all of this time of showing her that I really AM here to help!

Tonight we are going to a baseball game. It is supposed to be in the 90s during the day, so hopefully it cools down by tonight! I really don't want to turn on my air this early, but I may have no choice!

Well, I suppose I should shower and get the little one up for day care. She has been waking up in the night coughing and then freaks out that she's going to throw up. I've been waking up multiple times a night which is not "normal" for me and has been making for some long days.

I guess the "countdown" is on and I'm hoping to fill these days with as many memories and fun experiences as I can...I can sleep after they go home, right?! ;)

Hmm...

Little one staying the night at her mom's. Teen on an out of town school trip. I went to dinner/ice cream with "ice skating boy"...I believe this is "date #6" (plus texting a couple time a week). I need to pick up the teen in 10 minutes, so this has to be short. But, how come when I'm at home, I think about going out with him, think about that "first kiss", and then we go out and the thought is there, but the "desire" (the physical part of the "relationship" I mean) isn't so much. I guess maybe I'm just not ready to "go there" with SO many other things going on (the situation with the girls is more good than bad, but still very uncertain and some days are VERY frustrating, many lately have been quite emotional too...) But, the poor guy...thankfully, it seems he's a "keeper" since he's willing to stick with me through my craziness...or, at least he's willing to for now. We had a good time, good conversation, good food, good drinks...and hopefully will do it again.

Good night.

April 3, 10:15 PM update...my sister texted me after I wrote this if we had our first kiss. I responded "No, I think maybe he was ready, I thought I was, but then I wasn't...oh well, it will happen if/when it is supposed to." She responded "Oh yes if/when :) " I think I'm okay with this...it is what it is and it's better not to do something that I'm not 100% comfortable with (the last guy I "dated" never got a phone call back from me after our first kiss...we don't want THAT to happen!!)


A bit of foster mama drama this weekend, so hopefully I'll have time to blog tomorrow while the little one is at her first day of pre-school/day care (yeah, pretty sure I'll be crying with her ;) )


Good night!

This and That

The past few weeks, I have had a number of people ask me if I've lost weight, a couple going so far as to say that I've lost "a lot" of weight. The scale actually does say that I've lost about 10 pounds (give or take 3) in the past 9 months. However, I don't feel "thin" and only sometimes can tell that my clothes fit differently. I thought I'd pull out pictures from last year's church fundraiser and ones from this weekend to compare. Honestly, I still can't really tell from pictures, but will admit that it's nice having a waist ;) (thank you thirty pound 3 1/2 year old who likes to be carried ;) )

I did have fun at the fundraiser with my parents. I didn't invite "ice skating boy" since we were/are mostly just "texting" a couple of times a week. I did go out with him again last week (Date #5??) and we went to a concert (so as not to give away my location accidentally, I can't say who we saw, but it was C-razy, and not at all who you'd expect me to see ;) ) Even in text messages, he makes me laugh and we did have fun hanging out just the two of us people watching and enjoying the music. 

Yesterday, I had an unexpected day off, so I met my sister and nephew at a place with workout equipment for kids. The little one spent most of the time on the rings, not on the trampoline, but this picture doesn't show her face. My nephew just got his hair cut and he looks like a little boy! I'm researching day care/pre-school for the little one because she still isn't getting the play with other kids memo like she should. After last week when she just cried when I tried to put her in a room with three kids and preferred staring at the wall, I decided enough is enough. She is doing very well after her transition to her own room (still half my junk room, but her side looks nice!) The teen hasn't said anything about the move, but I think she will like that neither of us really need to go into her room for anything.

Speaking of the teen, she is getting excited about an out-of-town school trip she gets to take and an FBLA conference she gets to attend. She keeps telling me about future plans and it seems like she is planning things as if she will be with me forever, which is cool, but also sad. She wants me to take her to a college baseball game and campus tour. After another homework "zero" and a weekend of "matter of fact" telling me she was going to fail her quizzes/tests yesterday, I told her last night that I want to bring her, but she's going to have to do something about her attitude and grades. She cried, said I always jump to conclusions, and to forget about it. Today, I read this post by Julia-Kate and this one by Alece. I was reminded me once again how lucky I am that I don't have any trouble crying and also that the teen's "I'm fine" and difficulty in clearly defining/expressing her feelings isn't surprising since it's hard for grown women too! Perfect timing on those posts, that's for sure. Tonight, after a number of deep breaths and conversation practicing, the teen had me pause the TV so she could talk to me. With tears in her eyes, she said she owed me an apology for her behavior, that she wants me to take her to the baseball game, and she will do what she needs to do for her classes. I praised her for her "bravery" (courage would have been a better word, but whatever ;) ) and told her that I love her and wouldn't expect anything I didn't know she could do. I reminded her that her teachers and I are here to help her be successful. She didn't say anything else, but did acknowledge that she knows I love her and allowed me to give her a hug (as she stuck a tissue to her "booger nose" ;) ).

I think she may want me to help her with something before we go to bed, so I ought to wrap this up, but that's what's going on in these parts ;)

Good night.

She Hurts, I Hurt

It's amazing to me how something beautiful can turn bitter in a matter of moments. I had an amazing week and right now I feel like complete crap. I have a knot in my stomach, my hands are shaky, I'm on the verge of tears...and I am set to have "date #4" in a couple of hours (thank goodness it's "just" drinks!). Sometimes I really hate being an ENFJ...but then I wouldn't change who I am for the world! The "one-on-one" the teen and I had on Sunday, continued throughout the week. We watched TV together, we went for a long walk yesterday (about 2 1/2 miles!), she shared bits and pieces of what's going on at school and in sports. I let her know how much I enjoy spending time with her and reminded her that she's just a really great kid.

Last night, her sister stayed another night at their mom's alone. That made for a quiet couple of days for both of us. She shared that she may want to go out with friends tonight, and I let her know that it may mean missing her visit (or part of it anyway) this weekend since I have to work (and her mom is very unreliable at arranging transportation), but she should do what she needs to do. I was really hoping she would choose to hang out with her friends. She VERY rarely has done anything social in the 8 1/2 months she has lived with me. I am proud of the fact she has handed over the responsibility of caring for her sister to me, but she has not gone full-force into teenager-hood (some of which I'm happy about, of course!) She says she has friends, but she never goes places with them.

When I picked her up from school, she was extra quiet. I asked her what the plan was for tonight. She "snottily" responded that she was going to her mom's. I tried to find out if her friends just weren't doing anything or if she just decided not to go and all she would do was shake her head. She refused to admit that anything was wrong and said I was making that up, but something obviously wasn't right. My theory is that she was feeling guilty about wanting to choose friends over family, even though that shouldn't have been what the choice was about. I know she has to be feeling confused and torn during this transition...between wanting to go home, but knowing that home will be much more chaotic than the life she knows here; I think she feels guilty when she is happy here; I don't think she knows what to do with the fact that I care so much about her, but there is no changing that :)

I guess I ought to be grateful that there weren't harsh words directed at me this time, but the words that weren't spoken are almost as hard to take. I know she is hurting, and that hurts. I can't "fix" it, and I don't like that. I did make an appointment for her to see her counselor on Monday and know she won't be happy about that. I let her know that she can come back to my house at any point this weekend, so it will be interesting to see how long she will stay. I told their mom the little one can stay until Monday, so it will also be interesting to see if she asks for her to stay longer, stay shorter, or will be okay with that.

{sigh} cutting myself some slack for being the parent of a (someone else's) teenage girl, but I have invested so much in wanting to make this time in her life as good as it can be and it hurts in these moments when I wish I could do more...

Well, in referring back to my "ENFJ" post, I know that I need to make sure to take care of my needs too...and so I'll put on some make-up and a smile on my face and go have a drink with a nice guy.

Good night.

Resistant

This past week has been an emotional roller coaster...well, maybe not so much a roller coaster, since it felt like I spent more time than up, but a roller coaster works ;) I guess the great part of this week is knowing how incredibly blessed I am to have so many people who care about me and are committed to praying for me and supporting me as I work through my current and upcoming changes (that have left me emotional and occasionally irrational ;) ).

Last Sunday, I got to talk to Ginger on Skype which was exactly what I needed...and as the week progressed, she reminded me that boys are not aliens and gave me reasons to smile when all I wanted to do was cry. I love you Ging :)

Monday I met with my counselor and Friday I met with my Spiritual Director. Both of these women have been with me for over a year as I worked through the changes that were occurring in my life during THAT time. They were there when I came to the realization that I did not need to explain to anyone that I really WAS happy with my life as a single 30-year-old. In fact, I think this could be one of the "issues" I have with dating. I struggled for a long time with the pressure from society (and well-meaning family/friends) that there was no way happy and single was possible at my age. Then, I reached the point where I was "filling my own bucket" and truly was content with where my life was, and the path I was on. So, even though a girl can change her mind, this girl obviously does not deal well with change and I am feeling resistant to going down a path I was (am?) convinced I do not need (or want?)

I have always dreamed about being someone's mom, but have rarely considered being someone's wife. I'm not sure why this is, but I do have excellent role models of the single AND married variety. I suppose I do know that dating does not (always) equal marriage, so there isn't a really good reason not to go out and have fun when I have the chance (and maybe get a free meal or something in the mean time ;) ). However, I guess I have put my heart out there in so many other areas of my life and this is the one area where I have succeeded in protecting it, I am not exactly excited about stepping out of my comfort zone. As silly as it sounds, the resistance is real.

As if one "change" isn't enough, I am continuing to attempt to prepare my heart for the girls to leave my home. Unfortunately, there are many mixed messages, and no clear direction on when this will happen or what it will look like. My "number crunching" which led to the realization that although their mom could have "unlimited" visits and unlimited phone calls, the girls saw her EIGHT times in December, and the only time she talked to them on the phone was maybe THREE out of the FIVE times she canceled visits. The teen was off school for FIFTEEN days for the break and saw her mom FOUR times (including Christmas Eve and Christmas Day). Needless to say, this ticked me off to no end and I'm having a hard time working through my disgust at her inability to see that a "perfect" mom would not go for days without talking to their children who are living in a stranger's home. The little one has spent nearly 1/3 of her life living without her mom and there is a possibility that she is going to go home without some sort of transition. To my knowledge, there is not an established plan of how the teen will get to and from school since her private school does not have a school bus. She has done absolutely amazing during the time she has been in foster care in attempting to catch up educationally after the gaps there obviously were in her schooling, but it has required a lot of extra time before and after school with her teachers (and independent, relatively quiet, studying at home)...

I could go on and on, but the reality is that they will be going home...and they will be going home soon. I always knew this was going to happen, but I had no idea what it would feel like. Yes, I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea HOW hard. For a long time, I felt sorry for their mom, gave her the benefit of the doubt, and trusted she was doing her best. Now, I have reached the point where I really don't like her. I don't like the way she treats her girls and I don't like the way she uses and abuses the system. I also don't really like that I don't like her, because my natural instinct is to like everyone, or at least look for the best in them. The truth is, no matter how much it hurts my heart to think about them leaving, my resistance isn't going to make them stay. In fact, the only one hurt by the resistance is me. Their mom doesn't care that I don't think she has proven she should get her kids back, and since there is no safety risk, the State doesn't see a reason to keep them in foster care. So, the "war" that is going on inside is a battle I am trying to stop fighting so I can truly enjoy what is left of what has been a life-changing experience.

Well, I had hopes of this being a "soul-searching" post, and I suppose in some ways I do feel a bit better, so I guess it has served it's purpose in that sense ;) Hopefully I can make time to "journal" a little more frequently during this time in order to unload the emotions/stress little by little. Wednesday is the "big" family team meeting, so hopefully I will know more about the transition plan, or if there will be a transition. I am hoping that if I have a "date" when they are going home, I will have an easier time understanding that it really IS going to happen and can "prepare" accordingly (whatever that looks like!)

I'd better go do some laundry/dishes/cleaning while the girls are gone or the teen will wonder what I did with all of my time...ha! I'm going to miss that girl so much!

What to Say

I don't even know what to say, so I haven't said anything (or, rather, written). I'm a "mess". I think that says it best. I talked to Ginger on Skype for over an hour Sunday night and just bawled (poor little one...we had to tell her Ginger was making me laugh really hard!) Earlier in the day, I saw the "guy from church" after church and am afraid I was kind of rude...or at least "short" with him (I also believe I was on Saturday when he called too). Ginger helped me a lot (she looked me in the eye...gotta love Skype!...and instructed me NOT to be mean to the boy!) However, it is Wednesday and I still haven't talked to him. I met with my amazing counselor on Monday afternoon, and again just bawled. She also pointed out that honesty is the way to go and he WILL understand.

My life as I have known it for the past seven months is about to be turned upside down...only I don't know when or how it is going to look...and I have zero control over that (even though I have pointed out that the girls had eight visits the entire month of December with five canceled visits--the teen was off school for 15 days and saw her mom 4 times). I have wanted to talk to the teen to really tell her how much she and her sister have meant to me and my life these past seven months...and let her know that I'm not going anywhere. I also want to tell her that her mom sucks, but that's not really appropriate and she probably already knows ;) However, like with "the boy", I haven't found the right time/place, so have said nothing.

Thank goodness I'm not prone to ulcers, or I would most definitely have one. I am not sure how many times I teared up driving to and from the WIC office this morning, both about the girls and about the conversation I need to have with the boy. You would think that I would just get it over with, but I haven't. As if all of this wasn't enough, the nun who taught me piano and voice passed away at the age of 99 1/2 on Monday night...and one of the "favorite" patients passed away yesterday at the age of 5 1/2.  Plus, I'm in the middle of getting my series of hormone labs drawn with hopes(?) of officially diagnosing me with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). That, and I am not sure how many (kindly curious) co-workers asked me about the "dating" yesterday.

It's been a rough week and it's only Wednesday. I suppose I should have titled this "I NEED to Say..." rather than "What" because I know what I need to do, I just don't know how...or don't want to because it is "hard".

I still haven't 100% decided on my "One Word" for 2011...I probably should use commitment or something since I'm obviously struggling with that! However, maybe "trust" is still a good choice...I was going to use "journey" since there was a really good reflection about journey in relation to the Wise Men on Epiphany Sunday last week. I'm still thinking about it though...and then maybe will like to Alece's post...maybe ;)

Alright, I suppose I should play with the little one, but I felt like I should post something here...especially for anyone who looks here, but doesn't read my "tweets" ;)

Prayers are obviously accepted/appreciated as I am on this journey of the unknowns. We have a family team meeting next Wednesday. I'm not sure when the girls' mom's apartment will be ready, but I suppose if there is not to be a "transition", they could go back as early as next week. Personally, I haven't seen any "progress" on her part from the time that the girls first went into care, but what do I know?!

Good night.

Still Here

It's been busy around here, and a little bit stressful. The girls' mom got them for a couple of visits, canceled a visit, almost canceled a couple of visits, and today the girls chose to stay with me INSTEAD of going on a visit. I heard this week that their mom's apartment will be ready in a week or two and there is a possibility there won't be a "transition" home, simply just go home when she has adequate housing. Needless to say, that left me rather emotional. I love these girls...and I knew they wouldn't stay forever, but the reality is still hard to swallow. Of course, things are ever-changing with no one really knowing "the plan", so they could still be here for spring break...if things go the way I'd like ;) I talked to their first foster mom for the first time in months and we had a nice visit about how the girls are doing. Both of us agreed that God had His hands all over the plan for these girls that included both of our families.

In addition to being stressed about the girls, I'm having issues with this "dating thing". I knew I would, which is why I made an appointment to see my counselor as soon as I could. He has been calling and texting me and invited me to a party and out to brunch. He likes me, he really likes me and I have no clue what to do with that...besides freak out...and occasionally cry. I've been anti-dating for so long and really was/am happy with the way things are going in my life...and change is not easy for me at all. I'm not sure what I'm going to do (besides continue to take deep breaths and "talk it out" as often as I can with people I trust...not at work even though people there try to talk to me about it all the time!)

That brings me to another reason it has taken me so long to write. I really want to participate in a "One Word" challenge I read about on Alece's blog (and a couple of others). Basically, you pick one word to focus on for the year instead of a "resolution". However, I am struggling with what word I want to do! Alece used "risk" last year which is probably along the lines of what I "need" to do, but it sounds too "risky" ;) I think 2010 required a lot of trust and could be a good one to continue into 2011. I've also thought about "open", "courage", "willing", "strength"...a few more that I can't remember right now, but I haven't decided yet. 2011 is definitely going to hold some changes, with at least one really difficult one when the girls go back home, so maybe I need a word that will help me "survive" all of the changes, but maybe also "embrace" them, or gain "perspective" through them. 2010 had its challenges for sure, but I learned a great deal about myself and the many people who care about me. I did a lot of "growing up" last year and becoming a mom, even a "temporary" one, brought even more fulfillment to my life than I imagined.

So, I'm still here, but there's been a lot of "thinking" going on. In the past, this has been a good place for me to "think"...or "talk it out", so I need to remember that. I've also been enjoying my extra time with the teen during her Christmas break...which is a better reason than I have too much going on in my head to blog ;) Right now we are catching up on our Days of Our Lives, so I should wrap this up...hopefully my next post will contain my One Word for 2011 :)

Another One

Another date, that is...and that makes three :) I guess I can no longer keep my title as the "one date wonder"! I dropped the girls off at their mom's place at 10:45 so I was able to meet him for lunch. Of course, he picked a place that is crazy busy at brunch/lunch, but it was fine (he didn't know how crazy it would be!) I got to have quiche which is one of my favorite things (and hash browns...yum!) We met there at 12:30 and left around 2:00, so I'd say that was a nice amount of conversation. He is perfectly ok listening to the saga of being a foster mom and he shared stories of his nephew and about work (he's a high school athletic trainer and teacher in case I haven't mentioned that). It was nice to have a date without a news crew and the family, but I was a little nervous. The fact that I got a new hair cut last week and my bangs were not cooperating with me didn't help! However, the fact that I've lost somewhere between 7 and 9 pounds in the time the girls have been with me DID help me feel pretty cute in the outfit I wore ;) I wore the new sweater the teen picked out for me and he complimented me on it, so I need to remember to tell her (it has sparkles!)

I had a ton of things I wanted to get done while the girls were gone and did manage to get a couple of them done. I went and talked to the agency worker since I needed some background check forms (both in case I continue dating and for a couple of people who have agreed to help me with the girls, but need to have background checks done first) and more monthly report forms (since I don't have any ink in my printer right now). We talked about the kids and their mom and she is okay with them staying with me for as long as they can. I shared that I agree with her idea to send the little one back first because if she and the teen go back together, the little one will just want the teen to do everything because that's where the bond is. When she is here, she lets me put her to bed, give her bath, discipline, etc., but when she is upset, she usually cries for her sister (or me), rather than her mom. That type of transition will be hard on everyone, but I believe it is the best idea to really make sure she is ready to have them back...when this transition will begin, I do not know. So, I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, loving them as best I can while they are here.

Here are a few pictures from Christmas. Hopefully the ones of the little one from Christmas morning are "ok"...they are close to not being "ok", but I'm just going to go with them since it's Christmas :) The first picture is what it looked like as we watched Santa on NORAD come to where we live. The teen and I had fun with that (Santa added a couple of things after the teen went to bed, but she didn't even notice...ha!). I decided to wake them up at 6:20 AM before I had to leave for work at 6:40 AM. It was an early morning for them, and a little selfish of me, but I decided I didn't just want to see pictures from Christmas morning, I wanted to be there too. I'm glad I was too, because she said some pretty funny things! She got a Belle Polly Pocket type thing for her birthday, but naked Belle got lost in the grocery store maybe 6 weeks ago (she still has her clothes, just the doll was missing when we got to the car). So, Santa brought her a replacement Belle which she thought was "awesome" ;) I actually got a "blogable" picture of the teen from when we went to my parents' house after I got off work on Christmas. She rested her head on the table and said she looked like a drunk passed out on the bar, so I had to take a picture! I just love her :) The last picture is my dad and the little one playing with her new Dora book/magnets. I thought it was super cute and had to take a picture :)

We had a great Christmas and I'm enjoying Christmas vacation, even though I do have to work some of it (and the teen is kind of a hermit with her Twilight books, but it is still nice knowing she is here :) ) I have tomorrow off and then it's back to work for three days.

Good night!

Clueless

Okay, that's a random title, but I used "Conflicted" a couple of posts ago and needed something similar, since my brain is still kind of mush.

I'm having a hard time processing all that is going on in "my world" right now and feeling quite out-of-balance. That isn't much fun considering Christmas is just a few days away, but then, I have to work on the 24th, 25th, and 26th (and the 29th, 30th, and 31st...boo!) Most of our snow melted today which I'm a-ok with, but that does take away a little bit of the Christmas feel (even though I listen to Christmas songs every chance I get and my house looks a LOT more like Christmas than it has in years past).

Not only was the girls' mom a no-call/no-show for their visit on Saturday, but yesterday (Sunday) as well. I still haven't heard anything from her, and neither have the girls. I will admit that I am starting to lose patience with her and am beginning to get cynical. I believe I was empathetic/understanding for a good six months, but this whole situation is starting to wear on me. I know it is likely due to the fact that this is my first placement and I am not yet "jaded" by the system and the people who are in it. However, I feel like I would be much more understanding if I could figure out WHY she does these things...like, if there was a known mental illness or addiction problem. Granted, I'm sure I'd still lose patience after a while in those situations, but I don't feel like ANY progress has been made in the 6 1/2 months that I have had the girls and yet all I hear is how they will be going home soon...how they NEED to go home.

I do understand that reunification is the goal of foster care. I also agree with the fact that there doesn't appear to be any "safety risk" of them returning back home. However, it is REALLY irritating not to see a single amount of effort being put forth by her to see or even talk to her kids. I KNOW she told me on Friday that her phone was broken, but she lives in an apartment complex and I'm sure that if she told one of her neighbors she needed to talk to her kids, they would let her use their phone for five minutes. I gave her my phone numbers again on Friday (and she called on Friday night, so unless she lost that paper between Friday night and Saturday morning, she just decided not to call).

I talked to my agency worker and the service coordinator this afternoon about the skipped visits this weekend. Basically, they told me nothing can be done and I just need to keep having "Plan B" set up for when she doesn't show up. That is, of course, easier said than done considering I work 12-hour-shifts, but my family has been VERY flexible throughout this experience and that is a huge blessing. After tomorrow, the teen is off school until January 6. So, I guess the reality is that she could stay here with the little one, but 12/13 hours is a LONG time...and I have tried really hard to not put that responsibility on her. I just wonder if the judge is going to be looking at all of these skipped visits at the next hearing, or if they will just send them back home as soon as there is adequate housing so the case can be closed. That is hard for me to think about considering how much has been invested in them during their time with me and how much effort is being put forth to make sure they are being well cared for, only to be handed back to someone who has made ZERO effort. Hopefully we actually have a meeting on Wednesday to set a plan for what she is at least PLANNING to do with the kids while they are on Christmas break.

Okay, there's my foster mom rant. It's pretty small considering some of the things foster parents have to deal with (I follow a foster mom on twitter who had to send her foster baby with someone who didn't know babies needed car seats and didn't pass a home study...yikes!)

In other news, I've still been texting with the guy from church/ice skating date...he may need a name. I can try for "S" since that's his first initial, but may not use it. To be honest, I have no clue what's going on with this either. I obviously know he likes me, otherwise there is no way he would have gone to dinner with me, my foster daughters, my sister, and my brother-in-law. I'm not sure why, but it always feels weird to me when I know people want to be with me. Not that I don't think I'm a "likable" person, but it makes me self-conscious or something. I already know that I have a "dating problem", so have chosen to avoid it as much as possible. I guess it is nice that the bulk of our communication/interaction has been via text messages, but some day, I will have to face him and do the real kind of dating...if that is where this is going to go...

{sigh} I think I'm analyzing things way too much and just need to let things go as they are supposed to go. I'm feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable and stressed (and clueless)...and know that I just need to relax (which is why I am taking the time to blog ;) ) I need to remember that I'm not really in control of any of this, but feeling out-of-control is so not a fun feeling!

And, on that note, the teen just went to bed (at 10:30...same as last night for all three of us!) and I'm heading to mine too. Hopefully getting this little bit of "confus-ed-ness" out will mean I will sleep REALLY well ;)

Good night.

"Date" #2

So...the girls' mom was a no call/no show for the visit this morning. I had planned to go to 5:00 Mass, possibly with my ice skating date/guy from church...we were going to discuss our plans today. Well, plans changed when I ended up with the girls...well, they were adjusted anyway. The current plan is for the girls and I go to go 5:00 Mass and he will be there too (whether or not he will sit with us, I do not know...part of me thinks it would be weird if he did sit with us tonight, but whatever happens, happens.) Then, we will all go to dinner at a local Chinese restaurant...one of our faves and he has never been there. Gotta like a guy who is open for "Plan B"...even when my mom and sis said they wanted to join us (they decided not this time ;) )

It's definitely going to be interesting to see how this all plays out...I'll post updates as I have them/have time ;) I suppose I ought to get ready for church. Enjoy the weekend!

Post date update: He did not sit with us at Mass, but we did walk out with him. My sister and brother-in-law joined us for dinner. I did not talk to him much, but did sit by him. He and my brother-in-law visited. The little one kept us laughing, and the teen actually participated in conversation too. My sister texted me that she thought he called me "Allison" (more than once). He opted to go home to be with his dog instead of out for ice cream with me and the girls, but overall I think it went well. Poor guy probably was nervous about this, especially since I thought my mom was going to come too! Will obviously write again if/when there is a date #3. :)

Conflicted

It's been a while since I felt the "need" to journal as much as I did today. I found myself struggling throughout the day to hold back the tears, just wishing that I could come home and let it all out. There were definitely points throughout the day where the tears ALMOST welled over onto my cheeks, but I'm glad they didn't.

Today was my first day back to work since the news aired the story with my first date. Of course, it was the topic of conversation throughout the day, and I even watched the footage a couple of times with people who had not seen it (apparently, it was also viewed numerous times during the shifts between Saturday night and today!) In many ways, it is fun that my co-workers can see that I CAN be a "fun girl", but in other ways, it stirred up even more conflict inside of me...

See, I have a problem. I'm not sure if it is a problem with "dating" or relationships or commitment or what, but I know that some of the times when I have cried the most were "cured" when I decided to quit dating. Well, I'm not sure if they were DIRECTLY related, but it sure did seem that way...super upset, crying all the time, then away with the boys and back to "myself" ;) This has been a big struggle for me, and one that I'm not even sure I have begun to understand. It's something I have avoided because I don't know how to deal with it, or even what the problem is to begin with. Granted, going to counseling late last year/early this year helped a ton in getting me to a place where I was happy with who I was, where I was and then becoming a foster mom has made be feel fulfilled in so many ways (and brought along conflicting emotions of it's own that is a whole post for another day!)

I was happy. Things were going great. And then, this guy shows up at church and I'm like "whoa, didn't see that coming"...but, you never really do see those kinds of things coming, do you?! And so, I was determined to take things slow, not to let my "big picture" personality get in the way of enjoying the moment, each moment, as I made my way into hoping just maybe this time one date would actually turn into two.

I was prepared to keep things quiet--tell a few select people (and those who read this blog...ha!) that I was talking to this guy I met from church who just "happened" to be the brother of a former co-worker...and we were even going to go have a "date". I have spent the past 6 1/2 months trying to make the most of each and every day with these girls, not taking a moment we are given together for granted and was hopeful that just maybe I was ready to do something similar in another relationship--just take each day as it comes, not jump too far into the future. I can not write history without living in the present. Trying to guess what the future holds can actually take some of the fun out of simply wondering what tomorrow will bring. (Okay, I'm starting to lose it in my exhausted state...I ought to get to the point and press publish post ;) )

My "best laid plans" went out the window when our first date was broadcast on the news and online for "all" to see. Not only did I have to tell my dad (who apparently "announced" on Sunday at the drug store that his daughter was on TV having the first date she has had in a LOOONNNGG time), but also my grandma, who will now continue to pester me about how things are going. I have tried to keep some of my personal life out of work, but that is no longer an option because now "everyone" knows I went on a date. For those of you who got to see the clip, it was followed by a clip of a couple who were engaged while we were there following their first date on the rink a year ago. Yes, it was a cute story. Yes, it will be neat to have that as "our story" IF this ends up being something long-term/forever, but I was planning to not let my mind go to "forever"...which I knew was going to be a tough task for my "big picture" thinking.

And so, I have allowed a few of my tears to fall (but my journaling was disrupted by my watching of the Biggest Loser finale) and it does always feel better to put my feelings down "on paper". In a way, I wish we could rewind and tell the reporter we weren't interested, but then I wouldn't have a story to tell. In a way, I would like to fast-forward to a time when people forget about that news clip and we can carry on, slowly but surely, to whatever is supposed to happen in this "relationship" (reminder: only been on one date!). However, I know that people will continue to ask questions, and I will have to learn how to respond to them...

I'm not one who usually quotes Bible verses, but I think this is a time when I need to remember this one: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

I know that God has plans for me...BIG plans for me ;)...and I STILL need to take it one day at a time, even when there is a news story out there that ends with "It could be the start of a storybook romance or at the very least a great first date story."

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other...and now it's time for me to go to sleep :) Good night.

"D" Day

Edited to add: The news story I write about in this post is currently posted online. If you are reading this and would like me to email you the link, let me know ;)

Yep, today was "Date Day"...but, before I write about that, I want to rewind to yesterday, because there are some good stories there too ;)

I had to work yesterday. I typically leave my house at 6:40 to get to work by 7, since I live very close to work. I make sure the teen gets up by about 6:30 and my mom comes to get the girls at 7:10. Yesterday, I was running rather slowly (even though I decided I didn't feel like showering...don't judge ;) ). So, I was still in my pajamas at 6:30 when the teen comes to tell me that the little one is vomiting. Sure enough, she was sitting up in bed with puke in her hair, on her bed, and crying. Lovely. I snatched her up (kind of thankful at this point that I AM still in my pj's instead of being dressed for work!), threw her in the bathtub and quickly washed her hair. I couldn't get in touch with my mom to tell her, but left a message that she threw up, but didn't appear to be sick. I called work to say I'd be a little late, got the little one set up with TV on the couch (and a large bowl should she feel the need to vomit again) and made it to work shortly after 7.

It was a crazy day at work to the point that I found myself in tears and my manager was my personal assistant for an hour...nutso! My dad agreed to go get the little one from my sister's and get both girls to my house in time for a 5:00 pick-up (their "usual" Friday visit, although there doesn't seem to be much consistency with her visits these days). I was in my manager's office telling her thank you once again at around 5:15 when I received a phone call from the teen telling me her mom wasn't coming. She said they were okay at my house and she would make a pizza. Both she and my sister told me the little one acted fine all day long. I then checked my cell phone and, sure enough, mom texted me at 5:00 to tell me that she was coming to get the girls, but she "tripd" and wasn't feeling well, so no visit. Seriously, I cleaned up your kid's vomit this morning and THEN went to work a 12-hour shift and you can't have a visit because you fell?! {deep breath}

The little one appeared tired when I got home, so I put her to bed fairly early. She didn't fall right asleep, but when I checked on her around 9:30 she was sleeping. I was heading to bed around 11:30 when I heard her making noise in her room. I went in to tell her to go to sleep, then realized that she was moaning in her sleep. She looked up, told me she was scared, she cried and said she "wanted me". She burped when I picked her up and we made it to the bathroom before she vomited all over the floor, me, herself. We changed our clothes, I brought her mattress to the living room, and slept on the couch next to her. Of course she slept all night long while I tossed and turned on the couch and woke up stiff all over.

Fast forward to this morning. I never heard anything from the mom besides no visit yesterday, so I wasn't 100% sure she would show up at her "usual" 10:00 pick-up. I did, however, know that I had a DATE somewhere around 12:30 and was going to go either way, but it would be easier if she had the girls. Well, in her usual style, she kept me guessing up until 10:13 when she picked them up, with plans to drop them off between 7:30 and 8.

I promptly texted my "date" to tell him it was a go...even though we were going ice skating outside and the wind chill was -9...and got ready. I wore leggings under my jeans, a long-sleeved t-shirt, my coat, a hat, gloves, boots, and a scarf...super sexy ;)

He got a little lost on the way to pick me up, but was here around 12:45...and it was REALLY cold! We got to the ice skating rink (it's a temporary set-up for the holidays) and there was a sign to use the bathroom before you get out there because you can't leave once you have your skates on. I decided I had better go, so went in search of the restroom, but the sign didn't help me. I found out that they were port-a-pottys...and then discovered that the reason I couldn't find them was that they were all on the ground! So, I ran to a nearby business and used their bathroom first (I know, me and my bladder, but, I didn't want any, um... [Ginger ;)])

After we got our skates on and went out to the rink, we realized we were the only ones. Then, there was "another" couple who came out and then they were kissing on the rink...and then we skated past someone taking pictures on accident...and realized that they were in the process of getting engaged. There was a radio station there that interviewed them shortly after that...and I'm not sure if my date heard this, but the DJ definitely started the story by saying something like "there were only a few 'couples' here"...awkward, a little bit.

We took a hot chocolate break and then went back out on the rink. There still were very few people there (like, 5 ;) ) and then there was just us again when I noticed a news camera videotaping. Seriously, we are on camera?! Then, the reporter stopped us to see if he could ask us some questions. I "quickly" told him that this was our first time hanging out "you mean, like a first date?!" Um, yep. Then, he proceeded to "interview" us about how we ended up ice skating on such a freezing cold day, etc. It wasn't on the 5:00 news, but maybe it will be on the late one. (Since my date and I were going to be on the news, I HAD to tell my dad that I had gone on a date so he didn't hear it from anyone else...and now "everyone" in town will know about me and my first date if it airs on the news tonight...lovely!)

They decided to close the rink early due to the high winds and frigid temperatures, so we left and went to a late lunch. The conversation was nice, and I got to have my favorite Woodchuck Cider on tap, so all was well ;) He brought me home a little before 4:00 so he could get to his basketball games and I could get a few things done before the girls came back.

Since the weather was getting kind of bad, I called my agency worker on her cell phone to see what I should do if the girls' mom said she couldn't get them back to me. One of the last times she couldn't, the service coordinator said I should have called CPS, but with the weather this way, I didn't know if that was the way to go. However, I also didn't think it needed to be my problem to figure out transportation. She said I needed to put in on mom and tell her it was her decision to make on how to get the girls back here, or have them stay the night even though overnights have not officially been approved.

Mom texted me at 4:50 to tell me that her ride for the girls would not be able to provide transportation due to visibility and that she was "trying to plan ahead of time". I texted her to let me know what she decides because I was home for the night if they needed to come back earlier. She said thanks...and then waited until nearly 6:30 to say that her ride was upset she couldn't drive the girls but that she was "stuck with no option but for me to come get them". Um, pretty sure that I am NOT "Plan B", but it was REALLY hard for me to text back that I didn't feel comfortable coming to get them and that she needed to figure out another option besides me. She texted back that the girls would just stay...and then called to tell me that she was too anxious to have her aunt drive the girls back to my house (whatever...my thought is that I "maybe" would have come to get them at 5, but not at 6:30 when it was dark AND with poor visibility...planning ahead my @$$ ;))

I realized that the teen didn't bring her homework with her and didn't want that to be MY fault, so I texted mom that if the teen needs her homework tomorrow, than someone could stop by to get it.

So, yesterday I cleaned up vomit twice and slept on the couch. Today, I had cramps and went ice skating. Even though it wasn't what was "supposed" to happen, I think I will enjoy having the house to myself for the night and just "chilling" (literally...I think it is time to make some hot cocoa or hot cider or both!) I think I'll even wrap some presents so the area under our tree is no longer bare :)

I am not going to get TOO excited about this date since I am known for being a "one date wonder", but I'm kind of feeling that this will at least get a second date (we need to try a warmer venue for one anyway!) We had fun...if you want "details, details", feel free to comment and I'll try to accommodate ;)

Big Day

Tomorrow, the girls' mom goes to court. I was curious enough to want to be a "fly on the wall", but Thursday it was recommended that I be in attendance in case the judge wants to talk to me...um, definitely freaked out about that!

Today, I talked to my agency worker to let her know that the service coordinator had asked me to attend court. She was surprised, wondering what the service coordinator would expect me to say. However, I guess I will go and speak the truth (and nothing but the truth, so help me G-- ;) ) IF I am asked.

The agency worker let me know that her recommendation is going to be for the kids to transition back VERY slowly, starting with the little one and working the way up to the teen being the last one to go home. I'm not sure if this is the service coordinator's recommendation too, but I "always" assumed that the boys would go home first and then the girls. It never dawned on me that the girls may not leave at the same time. It does, however, make sense to "test" the mom to see if she actually CAN care for her children without the teen. I'm not sure she has what it takes to deal with an active 3-year-old...even though I know she DOES love her, I don't think she realizes how much work even an EASY 3-year-old is!

Needless to say, I've been tearing up thinking about the (albeit remote) possibility that I have to send the little one there tomorrow...or even later this week...to stay. It's not going to be easy, and the teen is going to have it difficulty, no matter what happens. She is the one I worry about most when I think about them going back home, but I also think she will be worried about her younger siblings being cared for without her there.

It's going to be tough. I knew "tomorrow" would come...and maybe this isn't even the "tomorrow" it could be (seriously, the judge could tell the mom she needs to get her sh** together or her kids WON'T be coming home...no clue, and apparently it all depends on the judge's mood that day ;) )

In other news, "guy from church" sent me a text saying he hopes tomorrow goes how I want it, said he had Saturday afternoon open, and wanted to know if I had ever been ice skating. I "may" have Saturday afternoon open, depending on how tomorrow (and the rest of the week) go. I haven't been ice skating in a long time, but props to him for coming up with something other than dinner and a movie :)

I'm trying not to "freak out" about this aspect of my life that has caused so many "issues" in the past and just take it one step at a time...while also dealing with the possibility that the REST of my life as I know it could be turned upside down at the same time. When can I see my counselor again?! ;)

Prayers appreciated...big day/big week. Thanks!

Six Months

It's hard to believe that tomorrow marks six months since the girls came to stay at my house. It's also hard to believe that ever since they came to my house, all I have heard is "we are trying to get you home"...and yet, here they still are. To be honest, I actually don't think their mom appears to have done what she needed to do to get them back, but they could still be going back soon. I talked to the service coordinator on Thursday, and she said she thought it was important for me to go to court on Tuesday. I think I've watched too many court shows, because that makes me very nervous! Of course, I was CURIOUS as to what will happen in court and thought being a "fly on the wall" would be cool, but being in attendance with a possibility of having the judge talk to me is quite daunting!

Once again, the girls' mom "flaked out" on getting them for a visit yesterday...while I was at work. She loves pulling that when my family has to deal with the "fall out". However, this time we had discussed what needs to happen so we don't continue to enable her (like last Sunday when she "conned" us both into bringing the girls to her AND picking them up). I told her that if she couldn't come get them, then there would be no visit. Period. End of story.

I wasn't sure if she would really come to get the girls today and I volunteered to help with an event at the hospital, so I was a little worried. I did actually text her at 9:30 to make sure she was coming because I was supposed to be there between 9:30 and 10. She said she was on her way and I was very excited! The event at the hospital went really well (it was a location for the international "Help-Portrait" event :) ). I "only" stayed until 2 before going shopping with my aunt and cousin. My extended family decide to adopt the girls, their brothers, and their mom for Christmas. My aunt collected money and also gifts. They are going to have an AWESOME Christmas (seriously, my family went above and beyond and it really warms my heart). My one aunt got TONS of towels and house things for the mom and each of the kids is getting quite a few things, including hats, gloves, pajamas, toys and a flat iron, curling iron, and warm coat for the teen. Just amazing, and so sweet. I'm not sure if the girls will still be residents of my house come Christmas, but they will definitely be thinking about our family :)

Here's a few pictures of what we've been up to this last month--painting pottery, raking leaves, donating hair, going to homecoming, and putting up the Christmas tree.

All day long, I was thinking maybe I'll be okay when they go back home...and then when they got home, I was wondering what I'll do without them.

In other news, guy from church and I have had two "texting" conversations this week and then tonight talked for nearly 40 minutes...just sayin' ;)

On a Personal Note...

I decided to see if I could write a post that doesn't include anything about the girls or my frustration/irritation with their mother. This will be brief ;)

Last Sunday, the girls were at a visit with their mom and I was at work, so actually got to go to Mass and sing with the choir. All during Mass, I kept catching the eye of a guy who was sitting in the pews alone. I did note that he was not wearing a ring ;)

After Mass, I could kinda tell that he was going to come talk to me, but one of the choir members starting asking me questions and we talked for a bit...while he waited for me in the pews.

We walked out together and he told me that he liked one of the songs we sang. I told him it was one of my favorites, that I'm definitely a choir singer, not a soloist, that I hadn't been able to sing as often because of my work schedule and foster kids, etc.

He asked me what I did and I said I was a pediatric nurse and where I worked. He said "well, you must know my sister then..." Yep, she definitely worked on my floor for about 5 years, but just left to work in labor and delivery. Small world?! Um, yep, I think so!

I was kind of in a hurry since I was baby-sitting my nephew while my sister got her hair done, but we talked for a little while. The next day, I texted his sister to say "fyi, your brother came to talk to me after Mass..." He had told her and both of us agreed that the conversation was "nice". He had asked her to ask me if she could give him my number...well, if he wants it, then sure ;)

He called and left a message on my voice mail Friday while I was at work. I feel bad for him because I can imagine how hard it was to work yourself up to calling someone only to get a voice mail. I texted him to let him know that I got his message, but was working the next three days and probably wouldn't get around to calling until at least Monday. His mom and sister are both nurses and his dad is a pilot for the life flight helicopter, so he understands the crazy hours...very nice :)

I decided I didn't want to make it a "big deal" at work and try to keep this part of my "personal life" out of work, but found myself alone at lunch yesterday with a co-worker I trust who knows his sister even more than I do. What she told me made me even more excited to call him and find out more about him. He is a high school athletic trainer who has run a half-marathon which is something I have thought would be cool to try (maybe...ha!) I already know a bit about his family from working with his sister and he goes to Mass, even by himself...so, I'm thinking my goal will be to get at least "two dates" out of this ;) (For any new "readers"...ha!...I'm known in these parts as the "one date wonder" because first dates are all that I've done since breaking up with my one-and-only boyfriend at the beginning of my junior year in college.)

Now, I need to take a deep breath and one day at a time instead of planning our wedding and the rest of our lives together...because that's the kind of person I am and possibly why I have not been a "two date person" in quite some time ;)

Well, there's my post that's only about me and not me that is the foster mom ;) Speaking of...maybe I should get the little one out of bed so she takes a nap for me this afternoon.

Good day.