Dealing with a Bully

I suppose I'm lucky that I never experienced bullying growing up (and REALLY grateful I don't have to grow up during a time when cyber bullying is everywhere). I'm also lucky that I work in a place that, while it is often gossip laden (hello...nursing is almost all females and females just like to gossip, I guess), has not been a place that I have been bullied (at least not without it getting quickly stopped). I'm also grateful that I have gotten a lot stronger in being able to stand up for myself and my needs (thank you years of therapy and dealing with a narcissistic biological mom for 16+ months).

With that being said, I am saddened that I have constantly been bullied by someone who works for the agency that pretty much runs the foster care system in my State. The cultural liaison has been on my case from the beginning, making jabs at me, trying to make me look bad in front of other professionals, making me feel guilty for wanting to spend time with Zoe, etc. This weekend, though, she took the bullying to a whole new level and my caseworker is PISSED! We got a new case manager last week and she is aware of past behaviors and received multiple calls and texts from me this weekend about what occurred.

Zoe has visits with her mom five days a week (yes, it totally sucks!). She goes to school from 9-3:30, then gets picked up and has a visit with her mom until 7:00. Drop off at my house is between 7:15 and 7:30 (or she stays at the day care until I pick her up at 8 after work). So, she has LONG days. I often work at least one of the weekend days, so those days she is at day care from 6:15 AM-8:00 PM (thankfully, she loves the kids at the day care and is an angel when her mom isn't around, so they are okay having her for that long :) )

Zoe's mom canceled her visit on Thursday which left me scrambling to find her a ride from school to day care (God bless the woman I met at Curves who got a background check and has been helping me with transportation). Then, she canceled her visit again on Friday which meant I had to back out of judging Junior High history projects that I had agreed to do.

On Saturday afternoon, I received a voice mail from the cultural liaison while I was at work. She wanted to know if Zoe could have a visit with her mom on Sunday (to make up for the two she canceled...seriously?!) I called my caseworker and the case manager to see what the deal was and pumped myself up to call this woman back because I knew I needed to stay strong. Zoe and I had plans on Sunday to attend a party and then have family dinner with my parents, but I decided I could let her go from 3-5:30. She informed me that the visits were canceled since mom got a new job and it was really important she gets to see her daughter (even though she had gone to the school twice to see her and had visits on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, so it isn't like she hadn't seen her in a long time). I let her know that we did have plans, but she would be available for a little while.

Then, on Sunday morning, the cultural liaison called me while we were at church. She said she couldn't transport/supervise the visit and asked if I could. Are you kidding me?! Her mom doesn't speak a lick of English and is mentally ill. Zoe speaks Spanish when she's with her mom and also acts like a maniac. Why in the world would I subject myself to that? I called the case manager and she said I could say no and told me thank you for being flexible. When I called the cultural liaison to tell her I couldn't/wouldn't do that, she tried to bully me into it. She told me that I should try to have a better relationship with Zoe's mom (hello, learn English and I'll learn Spanish?) and that "most" foster parents would supervise. She pretty much told me I was a bad foster parent for not wanting to make this happen, but I stood my ground and said I did not feel comfortable supervising a visit (plus, it was last minute notice and I had agreed to make Zoe available for a visit). I'm proud of myself for standing up for myself (and for not crying!) I let my caseworker and the case manager know that I felt she did this to try to set a trap for me and that she pretty much said I was a bad foster parent and I don't deserve to be treated that way. I really like the new case manager and I hope she will be able to get this woman under control and let her know she cannot treat foster parents like crap.

In other news, we had a family team meeting scheduled for last Tuesday. The new/old case manager (she was on the case from January 1 until last Tuesday) and the new case manager were there along with my caseworker and myself. The mom couldn't come and neither could the cultural liaison (I think this is the third family team meeting the mom has missed, there wasn't one in December, and we had our first one in September, so these "family team meetings" have rarely included her mom). So, we were able to talk freely. At that time, I informed the new case manager of some of the issues I had already had with the cultural liaison and concerns I have about the case and plans for moving forward. She told me (and my caseworker) that she didn't think the relative would qualify to provide relative placement (or adoption if this eventually ends in termination...I'm not sure Zoe's mom will ever be able to care for her special needs). That was quite a different story than I'd heard for the past four months. She wasn't sure if there was a concurrent plan, but asked if I'd be willing to adopt Zoe if the case ends up going that way (which would take YEARS). I said of course (as long as she can still have Medicaid since there is no way I can afford her medications or her medical day care).

Zoe is still super fun, even though she keeps me really busy (not just her...all the phone calls and arrangements that I have to do while she's at school all day long!) Since her mom canceled her visit on Friday and I was off, we made a quick stop at the Zoo and went out to dinner. Here are some pictures. I love shopping for her and she always gets compliments on her clothes and shoes :)

Fifteen Months

Tomorrow marks fifteen months since the girls spent their first night here. At that time, they had already been living in foster care for five months and I was basically told to expect a pretty short placement. I thought they were going home a year ago, nine months ago, six months ago, fifteen weeks ago...and yet here they still are. We love our time together and have so many memories (and HUNDREDS of pictures) from these fifteen months. However, this back and forth and the unknown is "starting" to get pretty old. Granted, I still think their mom's "mothering" leaves much to be desired, but they have already spent 20 months living apart from their siblings and I have a hard time saying that is "right". She frustrates me and disappoints me, but I honestly think that it is probably time to "move on" to the next phase of our relationship where I will hopefully be a mentor/support to them for the rest of our lives.

Here is a slide show of pictures from August which include a trip to the park, a trip Downtown to feed the ducks, a birthday celebration, and a baseball game.

The teen was having WAY too much fun taking horrible pictures of me at the baseball game. She thought it was hilarious. I wasn't 100% excited about them and really could have chosen not to put them on my blog, but I want to remember everything from this time, so here ya go ;)

Yesterday, I spent the day with one of my mom's sisters. She fixed a couple of the little one's outfits and then invited me to go to a football watching party with her, my uncle, and their friends. I wasn't expecting that and hadn't showered, but went anyway and had a really fun time. Before the game, she and I had a really nice visit and she let me "vent" about a lot of things (mostly frustrations with my family). I shared with her my disappointment that even after fifteen months, the girls are still kind of "extras" to my mom. We changed our birthday celebration plans mostly due to my mom expressing that two "extras" made a fancy dinner kind of expensive. It's hard for me to see how my sister having three people in her family and me having three people in my family is different, but I guess to her it is. Also, I tried not to be disappointed when the little one opened her birthday gift from my parents to find colored pencils and post-it notes. I realize that it really is the thought that counts and she was excited anyway, but they never would have gotten something like that for my nephew (today we went and had pedicures and she shared that they bought him a "roller coaster" as an early Christmas present). I know that all parents just do the best they can and there always is some kind of "sibling rivalry" even with the best of parents, so I'm trying very hard not to take things personally. It was very nice to have someone in the family to talk to as well as having this blog (and scheduled appointments to see my therapist and my spiritual director this week are coming at the perfect time) to vent.

Well, I'm not sure what is going on with the formatting today, but hopefully this isn't too hard to read. Last weekend, I ripped out the carpet in my living room and found some beautiful oak floors. Today I hope to paint the baseboards because they are getting refinished on Thursday and Friday. I bought new couches too and am VERY excited to see how everything all comes together (and proud of myself for doing almost everything by myself!) For sure there will be pictures when it's all done. The girls' mom expressed interest in having my old couch, so hopefully she will come through and pick it up on Tuesday to have that done (I offered her a bed back in January and that is still sitting in my basement...she says she still wants it).

Until the next time...

Wisdom

Apparently wisdom is one of the things I will be praying for...and patience and thick skin and...during this transition.

I never heard from the transportation agency, so yesterday I drove the girls to and from their visit and today my mom dropped them off and I picked them up (since I was at work). It didn't take long for the teen to say something hurtful to me on our drive home (but at least the little one wasn't crying like she was when I picked them up yesterday). I told her it wasn't very nice (she said she won't eat the bagels I made because they look scary AND because I made them) and she claimed it was in response to a comment I made. I left her be for a while when I ate dinner and gave the little one a bath. Then, I told her that I didn't deserve to be treated like that and if she continued to be disrespectful, there would be consequences...

She said she didn't want to talk to me and I fired back I didn't want her using my computer (the one that I let her use every moment of every day that she wants since the first day she came to live here...yes, that was a little childish of a response, I will admit that). She said then she would tell her teachers that was why she didn't have her homework done. She said "you will be nothing more than a person to us" to which I responded that I was a person who deserved to be treated with respect.

She left her computer and her homework and went downstairs with the door closed. She listened to music for a while and last I checked she was in the shower (while I'm running the dishwasher and doing laundry...so there ;) ). I'm not sure if she got her homework done or not, but I guess I will remember that she won't have a computer/internet at her mom's house anyway as far as I know. But, zeros are still unacceptable in my book, so if she doesn't turn in homework tomorrow, I'll have to figure out what to do.

This is totally not fun. I suppose I should be thankful that I didn't have to deal with (much) teenage drama the past eight months, but I think that makes this even more difficult because it isn't like her at all.

I'm pretty much thinking that guardianship idea, even for the rest of the semester, isn't going to turn into much more than an idea at this rate...wow!

I may try to get her to talk again before bed...and will pray for wisdom to speak if I need to and to keep my mouth shut if that's what is best.

Good night.

Who am I?

I was too tired to post last night, and am kind of too tired tonight, but need to at least make an attempt to "clear my mind". Yesterday, I had a meltdown in Fashion Bug of all places. There I was holding a bunch of shirts, cell phone in hand texting Stephanie with tears dripping down my face...lovely. I was texting her in a moment of frustration/annoyance with my family which somehow led to me being reminded of past hurt feelings...hence the crying at the clothing store.

Anyway, I suppose I should rewind a bit and explain...or continue to be "vague" and hope that somehow clears my mind...ha!

I guess what it boils down to is "Who am I to judge?", "Who am I to criticize?" To which the answer is something along the lines of "I'm not anyone."

At work, when my co-workers get frustrated with parents and the choices the make, the way they do things, I am among the first to put things into perspective. I remind them that NONE of us would want to be in the shoes of a parent with a chronically ill child (or any child in the hospital for that matter). And, just because one parent can do it all with a smile on their face and kindness in their voice doesn't mean others can. The truth is, that no one wears the same shoes, so really there cannot be any comparison. (I know that I get crabby when I am hungry or tired or things don't go the way I want them to, so I am pretty sure I would NOT make a very good parent of a child in the hospital...at least not without some attitude and other adjustments!)

Why, then, can I not give the same perspective, the same "I've never been in your shoes, so I really have no idea how I would handle things" when it comes to my sister/brother-in-law/nephew/mom? I mean, I know that parents only can do their best...what more can you do than your best, right?!...and more often than not, the children turn out okay. It shouldn't bother me that my mom goes and visits my sister nearly every day...and sometimes does their laundry/dishes when she is there. And, it shouldn't be annoying to me that I'm pretty sure my nephew has never been to the grocery store...

But, it WAS hurtful to think about the fact that those things are happening, but when I started the process to become a foster parent over two years ago (before I HAD a nephew even in "the making") there was a definite "vibe" that I would not be given any support or encouragement. My "foster parent deal" has been a really slow process due to some changes in the agency as well as me not being in a "rush". I figured that if God wanted a child to come into my home some time in the past two years, it would have happened and the process would have been done more quickly. Some of my reservations ARE due to the lack of support I feel from my family. Sure, I know there are lots of single parents out there with no support, but that does not seem ideal, or very much "fun"...and not really the way I want to do it.

After yesterday, though, I made sure that I hand-delivered the final piece of paper to my agency (my health history/physical that was done a month ago today!) so all the paperwork has been sent to the State. My background checks are done. I took my classes in April 2008. I think my home study was later that year (it has been a LONG process!). So, it shouldn't be that much longer until I actually have a license. Now, what I end up doing with that license remains to be seen. I could do emergency placement. I could do respite care. I could do nothing. I could just have the license and renew it again in two years without ever having a child in my home. I have no idea. I don't really have any "expectations" or "plans"...

I did ask my mom if she could get my pack and play back from my sister...even though my nephew slept in it for the first time this past weekend. When I asked her, I mentioned that I needed it back since I should have my foster parent license soon. I wasn't surprised that I barely got a response, but it is what it is...what is to be, will be...

I would post pictures from the Fiesta Bowl watching party I had with my dad, but it wasn't as much fun since my team lost. I bought lots of Tostitos and we had purple Christmas lights. The shirts I bought for myself and my dad didn't arrive at my house until after I had already gone over to my parents' house even though I bought them a week ago and paid for 3-day shipping...needless to say, I was pretty upset about that...and now I have a shirt to remember the Bowl game that we lost.

I went to Curves for the first time in over a month (I have now been four times since the beginning of October...that is not good!) I need to go back tomorrow and get back on track. Even though I have lost some pounds/inches, it was not in a healthy way. When it is this cold and snowy, I just want to stay inside and sleep (or sit on the couch and do nothing). But, hopefully I can get back on a workout schedule that will give me more energy/something to do. it's just after 1:00, so I'd better get some sleep.

Good night.

Slip of the Fingers

Or, maybe not...

Even before I went to bed last night, I was having some reservations about what I wrote last night, or the words I chose to write about my annoyances of the day. I got out of bed once to fix a couple words, but was too tired and it sort of was too late anyway.

What's done is done. It is what it is. My fingers may not have typed things exactly the way they should have been, or really are, but that is a huge "perk" to this basically being my own personal blog. I was annoyed, I was frustrated, and things came out in a way they maybe should not have, but probably the only one who was "shocked" by the things that were written was me.

Even though it wasn't pretty, I think it was a great reminder that I am not perfect (as if I need a reminder of that!) and since this is my journal, it is good to be "uncensored" every once in a while. Although I try to "keep it real", I do spend time trying to make sure the words not only make sense but also cannot be misinterpreted. This time, I didn't really do that...and, maybe that isn't such a bad thing.

I am going to the halloween parade at my work tomorrow and am really excited about my costume. However, today it was cold and rainy which may not be fun for my choice of costume. It also will take me a while to get ready, much longer than a normal day of getting ready for work, so I should probably go to bed. I am getting a massage tomorrow afternoon and am definitely looking forward to that! In between times, I hope to make more progress on clearing some of this house clutter. It really is a mess and I have less than a week now to make it "company ready" (I know it doesn't have to be perfect, but having a place to sit on the couch and a floor to walk on would be nice!)

Good night.

First of Five

I still can't believe I managed to get five days off in a row...not sure I even TRIED to do that! Well, actually I know that I requested today and tomorrow off since I was thinking about going to a seminar called "Creative Healing" about using tools such as music, movement, touch, drawing, and writing to help cope with grief. I attended a seminar of the same name two years ago and it was really good. However, it cost $75 and my work wasn't willing to pay for it this time. I requested Sunday off for the March for Babies and have a meeting on Tuesday afternoon. So, Monday is the "bonus" day I guess that makes for five days off in a row without taking vacation...nothing wrong with that!

I definitely enjoyed sleeping in this morning and barely made it to Curves in time to do my 30 minute workout before they close at 11...I know, that means I didn't roll out of bed until nearly 10 and then messed around on blogs/facebook until I REALLY needed to go if I wanted to get a work out in!

Not that I absolutely NEEDED that workout. Well, actually I'm sure I DID need it, but it also was time to mow my lawn. It doesn't seem like it has rained that much, but definitely enough to make my grass green (some of it anyway). I got a new mower and think it will take some getting used to. My old mower was heavier but allowed me to make turns easier. I live in a corner lot on a hill so my lawn is not very easy to mow. My body is already aching, but it could also be that it has been at least six months since the last time I mowed! It was close to 80 degrees when I mowed, so I worked up a nice little sweat!

This afternoon, I went and visited my high school friend and her two boys. They were both sleeping when I got there. So, she and I grabbed a beer and sat on their back porch soaking up some of the summer-like sun. It was pretty fun drinking a beer in the afternoon (she had some kind of Samuel Adams blackberry flavored beer, so it did feel "summery"). I'm not really ready for summer to hit quite yet, but I think one day is okay :o) It was very fun to hang out and visit. Her baby is two months old today! The poor little guy has some pretty bad reflux, but it hasn't stopped his growing...he's a little chubby boy which is SO cute :o)

From her house, I went and met my parents and seven of their friends at the horse races. Ten people is a little crazy considering I am used to going with my dad and "studying" the forms with him. It was fun anyway I guess except we were just "picking" and I lost all my cash (only $18 so not a TON by any means...however, since my food order got completely screwed up, I got dinner for free, so that was a nice little balance!)

Since this is my blog and no one in my family reads it (that I know of), I am going to vent a little bit about my mother. I love my mom. Most of the time she is SO nice that whenever anyone tells me how nice I am, my response is often that my mom is WAY nicer than me. However, sometimes some really not nice things come out of her mouth which always surprises me. This week, a couple of them were directed at me... Earlier this week, I was sharing with her some of the things I had planned for the weekend with my friend from Curves. Not only did she have to provide commentary questioning the location of our events, but she also felt the need to say something to the effect that there was some kind of co-dependence going on. She must have seen the look on my face or watched my jaw drop or something because she tried to retract her statement and mumbled something about us being friends or needing to have friends or something. Uh, YEAH, we are friends. We hang out. We have fun. Seriously, totally inappropriate comment. Who ARE you and what did you do with my mom?!

Then, tonight, she kind of got what was coming to her after an equally as uncalled for comment. I know their friends very well (most of them have kids my age who went to my same elementary school). I was telling them about my plan to go to Vegas in six months to celebrate my 30th birthday. My mom piped in to say that she and my dad were planning to go at that time and they "decided" that I could come along. This isn't the first time she has mentioned this "plan" in that way. I think it rubs me the wrong way even more because two years ago they did, indeed go to Vegas with my sister and her then fiance and I was told that I was not "allowed" to go with them. It was very hurtful because I know that it was all my mom and my dad didn't have anything to do with it (my dad and I are good "gambling partners" and have a ton of fun!). So, my (probably very obnoxious) response was that the REAL plan was that my dad and I had planned to go to Vegas and my MOM was to be "tagging along" and all my friends are invited. She got a little defensive but shut her mouth rather quickly. Honestly, I don't know where my "real mom" goes sometimes!

I suppose that makes me even MORE excited to be doing something next month that my mother may not necessarily "approve" of (Laurie in Ca...no worries, it is NOTHING bad...VERY fun actually! I will share details once everything has been finalized.). A nice little reminder that I am indeed a grown up who can make her own adult decisions without consulting her parents. And, my mom obviously is not "perfect"...still love her though :o)

Well, I think I have a busy day tomorrow including a walk or two and a wine tasting. I probably should fit in a little time for house cleaning, but am definitely going to enjoy these days off!

Good night.

One of "those" Days

Today was one of those days when it is probably good that I live by myself, and am not responsible for anyone else. Today, when I wasn't sleeping, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and try not to cry. Needless to say, I still did quite a bit of crying.

Last night, I fell asleep on the couch around 12:30. I woke up at 3:45, brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, and went to bed. I set my alarm for 6:30 so I could run my garbage to the curb. I then set my alarm for 9:30, but decided there was no way I was going to get up to go work out. So, I decided to go back to sleep and get up when I woke up. How surprised I was to see the clock reading 1:00 PM the next time I opened my eyes! Yesterday must have worn me out even more than I thought!

Too bad the good amount of sleep didn't seem to do much with my emotional issues. I am really struggling with something that happened last night. Hurting other people's feelings is something I never want to be a part of, especially when I KNOW it is going to happen. I feel stuck in a situation that someone NEEDS to hear the truth, but the truth will probably hurt. So, I'm not sure if the truth NEEDS to come from me! However, it could end up being better coming from me than from someone else who doesn't care as much about her or her feelings. This situation, probably along with other emotional issues my work brings, has been eating me alive ALL DAY LONG. My heart is hurting, the tears sting my eyes.

I did manage to make it to Curves, and held back the tears during my workout. I took a bath this evening, and had a conversation with my mom about the issue. I decided that being honest was better than being silent. I worked up the courage to make a phone call, but ended up having to leave a voice mail message. So, I continue to sit here with tears in my eyes, getting anxious whenever the phone rings, praying I have made the right decision, praying I'll be able to do what I think is right...so many things going through my mind right now. I feel DRAINED, and I fear I could still be facing the toughest element of this issue.

Just yesterday, I wrote about finding blessings in the small things. I suppose a blessing I can find with this (IF I am able to follow through with my decision!) is being able to be candid with someone even though that makes me SO NERVOUS. I typically run away from any kind of conflict, leaving the "big issues" to someone else.

I thought I was going to work a bonus shift in the PICU tomorrow, but found out this evening they should not neeed me. That too is a blessing, because today didn't really feel like much of a "day off". It's only 9:30, but I may just head to bed.

Good night.

Updated...had the conversation. Totally didn't go as planned whatsoever. Really ticked her off. Didn't explain myself well at all. Probably hurt her feelings. She thought I was judging her and her situation. Basically a lot of the things I didn't want to have happen, happened. But, I guess it's over. It's done. There is no going back. At first I thought I felt better anyway. Now, I'm not so sure. Hopefully my aching heart will allow me to sleep. Good night.

Wiped out!

Wow, I cannot believe how tired I am!

Isn't it funny how you sometimes need a vacation from your vacation?! My vacation ACTUALLY should have been pretty relaxing, considering we didn't have many plans. I DID have to get up pretty early four of the six days, and we did do a lot of driving (riding in the car makes me VERY sleepy!). So, I'm glad that I have that as an excuse in addition to my other thoughts of the week. I am emotionally tired from all that happened this week...I'm pretty sure I cried every day. My hormones are crazy right now, so that probably didn't help matters.

I didn't end up going to bed early last night. I stayed up watching my California cousin play basketball on the Internet (they showed the game live and the sound on my computer decided to work for a couple of hours so I could listen!). It was almost 11:30 by the time I went to sleep. 5:30 came pretty early.

I had two good patients, and a VERY nice day, in the PICU. I worked with really nice people, and offered to float there tomorrow, even if it isn't my turn. I did get a little tired toward the end of my shift, and was ready to go home (of course, I had to remind myself of the extra $15/hr that will be on my next paycheck!).

I have noticed that nearly all of the visits to my blog recently have been my own. That is funny to me, considering a couple weeks ago, I was getting quite a bit of "traffic". It is interesting to me how some people's personal journals, like mine, end up being public domain. How can one person's story end up reaching thousands of people without really trying, and others (like mine) remain private, without really trying to keep it that way? As I have said before, I would MUCH rather have no comments than one that made me cry. An unkind comment was left on the journal of a woman I know. I read this when I was on vacation. It made me cry A LOT! That is how my week started...maybe I should have took that as an indication to stay off the computer for the week, but I guess my "curiosity" (and concern/compassion/sensitivity!) overruled that (as evidenced by the fact that I cried every day of my vacation because of "issues" at home). I suppose it actually is very cool that the journal I kept in writing has been substituted with one that I type, without really making any adjustments (although I probably put more here because I type faster than I write!). That's why this is "Just Me"...Me in all my craziness, in all my boringness, in the good times, and the not-so-good times..."keeping it real".

Wow...oops!!

So, I wasn't planning to post anything today, as there wasn't much exciting to say. I went to work. I took care of my patients. There was "drama" that made me not very happy. Someone I really respect, or thought I did, let me down in a really big way. I am sad about the morale on my unit. I am glad I have a few days off. I had dinner with my parents and then came home.

ANYWAY, I decided I probably should do something with the huge pile of dishes in my sink (for instance, put them into the DISHWASHER!). I had to move a chair out of the way, and when I was putting it back, I looked at my table. I could not BELIEVE what had happened to my poinsettia!! Okay, if you look back on some of my earlier posts, I admit that gardening is not something I enjoy, or am very good at. However, I thought I was doing a good job with the poinsettia (I hear that they are pretty hard to kill, so maybe that isn't a huge accomplishment.). Apparently, flowers need water, and this plant has not gotten any for...I'm not sure how long. What is absolutely CRAZY is that on my days off, I usually open the blinds of the window on the right. HOW I did not notice the dying plant is beyond me! I think it is beyond rescuing, but I did water it...just in case.

Tomorrow is another day...maybe I'll be a bit more productive (I may need to remind myself that YESTERDAY was my "leisurely day off", so tomorrow I must do some work!).

Wow, I still can't believe that picture (and, I will admit that it looks even worse "in person")! Good night.

No help now

So, I got to work "super early" to see if could get my "new favorite patient" back today, or if the nurse who had him yesterday worked again today. I quickly glanced through the patient list and saw he wasn't there. I found out that he was transferred to the PICU yesterday (he actually is okay and wasn't any sicker yesterday than he was LAST week...just a difference in doctors and bed availability I guess). So, I was bummed out about that, but they thought he would be able to come back to the floor today (since, really, he was fine!). I took the least amount of patients so he would be mine when he transferred back to the floor. Unfortunately, that didn't work out (no one wanted to make "that kind" of decision today), so I'll try again tomorrow :o)

I was pretty busy for about 15 minutes when everything seemed to be happening at once (trying to take two or three phone calls while both of my patients had their call lights on, etc.). One of the nurses went to help one of my patients and somehow I ended up saying something that wasn't very nice (not outright MEAN or anything, just not very kind). I felt terrible about that and apologized quite a few times. Later, I got a new patient and that same nurse was helping get the family settled into the room since I was busy. Yet AGAIN I made a couple of comments that really were "uncalled for" related to how she was trying to help. So, it is no surprise that she stopped helping. I think that she probably won't be as eager to help me the next time...I know I would be a bit hesitant if I was treated that way...

So, how can I profess my "life mission" of spreading happiness and joy to all and then treat a colleague so poorly? How can I have patience with the families at work, and become easily irritated with my family and friends? (Sorry, Angie , this sounds like I am "stealing" your words, but I guess today I had too had clear examples of how guilty I am of not always treating people the way they ought to be treated!). I knew that there were some "issues" between how I think I'm living my life and how I'm actually living it, but I was hoping I didn't have THIS much work to do! Thank goodness for a forgiving God, and for all the VERY forgiving people He has placed in my path!

I'm hoping I don't have any "crazy busy days" in the near future because it may be hard to find help after today! Actually, I'm praying that this was a gentle little reminder and next time I'll be considerate to those to come to my aid/rescue! I guess it's the whole "beggars can't be choosers" idea, except I today I didn't ASK for help...okay, so it doesn't make any difference, there is no excuse for how I acted.

Other than those issues, work was fine. I did work with some people who don't have the best attitudes about our job and said some pretty disheartening things. I just had to ignore them, though, because I don't agree, but would rather not argue. Moving on...to tomorrow (after a good night's sleep!).

Overre"acting"?

So, today was a new day. I had to leave early for work because we had icy streets. Lucky for me, I live less than 2 miles from work, so it worked out okay. I ended up with one patient for most of the day. Of course, she did all she could to keep me busy enough which was a tad bit annoying, but I actually should not complain. Everyone was giving me a hard time because it SEEMS like whenever I would be "first up" for an admission, we don't get any, but when the admissions are coming, it isn't my "turn". It is all in their imagination, I tell them! I do not TRY to be a "slacker nurse", it just HAPPENS sometimes! If "you" recall, the last shift I worked, I was responsible for five different patients, so I definitely CAN handle work!

It actually worked out very well that today wasn't busy for me, because one of my friends who works in another department was there all day. Some scenes from a film were being shot in "my" hospital and she was responsible for being there during the shoot. I was able to stop by a few times throughout my shift to visit, and then spent a little over 2 hours after my shift watching and "helping". In those two hours, they shot a "scene" that was roughly 15 seconds long--craziness! I did get to visit with some members of the crew, talked to the writer/director for a while, and rode in an elevator with Ellen Burstyn . I didn't get to be an extra this time, but probably could have been if I wasn't working!

So, that is kind of the "acting" portion of this post. The rest of it concerns what I wrote about last night. I was not planning on discussing my "issues" at work, because there are some choices that I have made that not all people would agree are right ones and I do not want to be judged for them. However, it kind of "slipped out" in a discussion about this person that I thought I had hurt her feelings and cried a lot about it. That brought the "whoa" if you are crying over it, then you need to get yourself out of the situation. Of course, that was said by someone who doesn't know that I cry easily and for many different reasons. However, it made me wonder if I really DID do something wrong, or if I am worrying about nothing. I suppose only time will tell on that, but for now I still feel pretty bad, but am going to try and hold back my tears.

I have a bit of thinking and praying to do, it's late, and I'm back to work "bright and early". So, good night.

Struggling

I should have known this day would come again. It's been a while since I had a "breakdown" (I could easily go back and read when my last one was, but I'd rather just type this while everything is "fresh" and flowing). Sure, I've been close to tears a time or two, but last night, and then today they came pretty freely. Hurting someone else's feelings is something that makes me feel terrible (just one of many reasons I could never be in management!). I am afraid that I have done just that and it is making me feel sick to my stomach. I attempted to write an apology note, but it just didn't turn out right. I don't think I'll send it, at least not this version. Maybe I'll feel better about it in a day or two and can try again, or will figure out another way to "right" my "wrong". I have been having an inner struggle between my heart and my brain. My heart keeps "trumping" my brain, but I'm wondering if my brain was right all along and someone else's feelings were caught in the crossfire while attempting to create a balance. This seems to make absolutely no sense when discussed in such general terms, but I feel SO badly that this is the only way I can figure to describe what happened. Simply put, my good intentions failed miserably. I am just trembling as I type this, but at least the tears have stopped for now. This is a person with whom I have kind have had to try very hard to get to a "comfortable place" with and I am just so nervous that if I have to start over, it will not succeed. I just can't bear the thought of that! This person has given me SO much, priceless gifts and blessings that I would seriously be "missing out" (of course, I know that people do come and go in our lives, but this is one I would like to STAY, and probably NEED to stay!). I guess the "lucky" thing for me right now is that she is not a person that will make my life miserable and seems to forgive easily. I'll have to try and sleep on those thoughts because it's back to work tomorrow, so I NEED to sleep.