Wisdom

Apparently wisdom is one of the things I will be praying for...and patience and thick skin and...during this transition.

I never heard from the transportation agency, so yesterday I drove the girls to and from their visit and today my mom dropped them off and I picked them up (since I was at work). It didn't take long for the teen to say something hurtful to me on our drive home (but at least the little one wasn't crying like she was when I picked them up yesterday). I told her it wasn't very nice (she said she won't eat the bagels I made because they look scary AND because I made them) and she claimed it was in response to a comment I made. I left her be for a while when I ate dinner and gave the little one a bath. Then, I told her that I didn't deserve to be treated like that and if she continued to be disrespectful, there would be consequences...

She said she didn't want to talk to me and I fired back I didn't want her using my computer (the one that I let her use every moment of every day that she wants since the first day she came to live here...yes, that was a little childish of a response, I will admit that). She said then she would tell her teachers that was why she didn't have her homework done. She said "you will be nothing more than a person to us" to which I responded that I was a person who deserved to be treated with respect.

She left her computer and her homework and went downstairs with the door closed. She listened to music for a while and last I checked she was in the shower (while I'm running the dishwasher and doing laundry...so there ;) ). I'm not sure if she got her homework done or not, but I guess I will remember that she won't have a computer/internet at her mom's house anyway as far as I know. But, zeros are still unacceptable in my book, so if she doesn't turn in homework tomorrow, I'll have to figure out what to do.

This is totally not fun. I suppose I should be thankful that I didn't have to deal with (much) teenage drama the past eight months, but I think that makes this even more difficult because it isn't like her at all.

I'm pretty much thinking that guardianship idea, even for the rest of the semester, isn't going to turn into much more than an idea at this rate...wow!

I may try to get her to talk again before bed...and will pray for wisdom to speak if I need to and to keep my mouth shut if that's what is best.

Good night.

A Bit of an Update

As I ended last night's post, I mentioned that the last time the teen was ticked at me, she got up before I could go wake her up. I expected the same today, so when it became 6:30 (after I "snoozed" for an hour!) and she wasn't up, I woke her as usual. I should have taken that as a clue that she wasn't really THAT pissed at me, but I still wasn't sure. I let her "do her thing" for a while which I usually do and then sat at the kitchen table while she ate. I tried not to say too much, but did tell her about the new plan (however many plans that is for the week) about the girls and the boys alternating weekend overnight visits with her first weekend being next week. She did respond to the couple of questions I asked, but wouldn't really look at me (hard not to answer the question of what time do you want to leave today...ha!)

My stomach was in knots all day, but the little one and I did stay busy. We made homemade bagels after we went to work out (for the first time in a month...I weighed myself after the workout and definitely am not sure about the scale since it said that I've lost like ten or more pounds since the girls have been here-craziness, especially since I don't really feel it which is weird!) and ran some errands. I decided that if the teen hadn't found something to do with her friends she would go to a movie with my sister. My sister loves movies and hasn't been in a while-one plus. It is something fun and is not her being home alone-two plus. It would be somewhere I was not-three plus. The little one and I could enjoy the agency luau without her acting however she was going to act if I forced her to go-four plus. :)

The little one took a short nap, but woke up in a good mood and early enough that I didn't have to wake her up to go pick up the teen which was very nice. When the teen got in the car, I told her the "new plan" of going to a movie with my sister and she told me she decided to go to the basketball game/party at her school. I said "darn, my sister will be sad, but cool!" or something like that ;) She wasn't super chatty on the way to her eye appointment, but appeared to be in a good mood and answered all of my questions (I did try to limit them...ha!) She acted pretty normal at the eye doctor while I sort of helped her pick out new glasses. On the way to dropping her back off at school for the game/party, she asked if we could stop by our favorite coffee shop. I hesitated since I stopped there on the way to the family team meeting AND on the way to her therapy appointment yesterday and purchased drinks for all three of us which was $14 each time. However, she asked nicely (and actually was talking to me--bonus!) and said that it was her friend's birthday today and she loves that place. So, I stopped and got drinks for her and her friend and water for myself (sad :( )and the little one.

The little one and I closed down the agency party (it was supposed to be 6-8 and we didn't leave until about 8:20 and were the only ones there besides employees). She had a great time and I was able to mingle with the caseworkers and other foster parents (and hold a one-week old baby who was placed today...that was fun!) The teen's party doesn't end until 10:30, so I will be bringing a sleeping little one to go get her in a bit. I did tell her that I wasn't trying to be mean when I said she HAD to do something and that I was glad she was going. I may say it again just for emphasis ;)

I don't feel like I got anything done around the house yesterday or today which is sad, but true. I did make quite a few phone calls, but the other stuff just didn't get done. I signed up (mandatorily) to work an extra shift tomorrow (I know, crazy to get forced off twice in a month and then have to sign up for extra shifts once a month). Last weekend we were slow and the extra people weren't needed, but now we are full and busy, so I guess I'll be working. I shouldn't complain about the time and half plus some overtime, but the girls are to have a visit 9-8, so I could do lots of fun things like go to a birthday party and visit some friends. Oh well, it is what it is and I need to start saving some money for lots of reasons including my wish to attend my cousin's destination wedding this fall ;)

Well, there's the bit of an update...the teen is talking to me again, but now I have prepared myself (as best I can anyway) for this to happen more and more during the transition. I know the person she is most upset with in this situation is her mom, but she isn't quite at the stage where she can verbalize those feelings. It will be interesting for sure...foster mom drama (sort of...could be a lot worse I'm sure!)

Good night.

The Saga Continues

I won't ask if there could be any more changes this week because I am sure there could be! I feel like a spent a good part of the day making phone calls. I talked to the service coordinator twice (getting different information both times). I talked to the teen's counselor this morning to give her a "heads up" of what happened this week and that it appears she isn't exactly excited about all that will be involved in the transition home. I called MY counselor to change the time of our appointment on Monday since I made two additional appointments that day since we scheduled ours. I feel like I'm missing some calls, but it was a busy day!

The girls' mom had some nice things to say about me and my parents/family which is always good to hear (and makes me thankful that I have never said any of the not-so-positive things that I have thought to her!) She actually said she "thinks her girls are in the best place possible" and both her girls are really happy here. She said that takes a lot of stress off of her. We talked about the visitation schedule and since she had previously canceled Friday visits, I scheduled an eye appointment for the teen tomorrow so it would be too hard to get them to and from. I also agreed to provide both to and from on Monday since my rescheduled therapy appointment was now at the time the little one would be dropped off at my house. She did make a little "dig" at my schedule and how it was hard to work with me which makes pretty much zero sense since I have four days off a week, but whatever.

After I picked up the teen from school, I took her to her therapy appointment. I let her know then that tomorrow night after her eye appointment, she needed to do something besides stay home alone. The little one and I are going to a luau at the foster care agency and there is a basketball game/party at her school. She told me she did not want to do either of those things and I could not make her (but really I can if I just drive to the party straight from the eye appointment). I was going to tell her she could have a friend over or go to a movie or something else social (and did later), but she was too ticked to listen to the other options anyway.

When we got home, she went to her room, locked the door, and turned on her music. I let her be for a bit, then tried knocking on the door so I could give her the other options in case she wanted to talk to her friends online. She refused to respond. I waited a while longer and tried again, multiple times. She finally opened the door and told me to leave her alone, that she didn't want to go anywhere with me or be anywhere near me, and that I never give her space (let it be known, even though maybe I should not admit this, that I do not limit her computer, television, or music time and I do not monitor her fb account and the only school expectations I have set is that she turns in all of her assignments and tries her best/asks for help if necessary).

I left her alone for the rest of the night and she did not eat dinner with us (I don't think she did at all). When I was putting the little one to bed, she went and sat on the living room couch. I always sit on the living room couch and she knows that. She could have gone to the basement and shut the door until she went to bed, but she did not. Instead, we sat in silence as she studied and I read this post. I cried when I read the two links because they were exactly what I needed to read (because sitting in silence isn't something I do well!).

She went to bed without speaking to me and I'm okay with that (for today anyway). I know that she has to be angry with her mom, but has yet been able to discuss anything with her because she is also extremely loyal. So, if she needs to "practice" being mad and using words to describe those feelings, then I will (try VERY hard) to accept that and know she doesn't mean everything she says. She is hurting more than I can even begin to imagine, but I do know this transition home is going to be the hardest on her. I have not told her that the second call to the service coordinator brought word that starting tomorrow, the boys and the girls will alternate weekends with their mom. So, next weekend, she and the little one will spend Friday night and Saturday night there. I have a feeling she is going to freak out about her homework, so she will probably be a mess when she gets back Sunday afternoon or she will say she needs to be here to use the computer/internet and maybe try to skip the Saturday overnight part...or she will decide she doesn't care about school anymore (hopefully not!)


Well, I should go to bed so I can deal with whatever I am met with in the morning. The last time she was mad at me she got up on her own instead of me going in 2-3 times to get her up...that was kind of nice ;)


Good night.

Not What I Expected

We actually had our "family team meeting" this afternoon. I have been waiting for this face-to-face meeting since before Christmas and had high hopes of getting some answers to my questions and have some of my concerns addressed. I was prepared for a hostile environment, ready to be attacked and forced to keep my mouth shut in order to maintain some sort of peace. I wondered if I would speak my mind, or bite my tongue if an opportunity presented itself to express my point of view on the situation. I wasn't prepared for a calm, civil conversation, but also wasn't ready to be given a completely different message than I received yesterday.

While I spoke with the service coordinator for over 20 minutes yesterday as she told me I was being too nice, too accommodating, and needed to stop providing transportation for visits, today ended with me transporting the little one to visits 2-3 days a week. Since mom came with her sob story of how she can't enjoy visits because she is stressed about finding transportation, the service coordinator is going to the "higher ups" in her agency to get someone to transport the girls to and from visits on the weekends and the little one back here on the days I take her there. (I'm not sure how I managed to keep my mouth shut that she could use Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday to help her figure out transportation for the weekend, but I did.) So, here we are back where their mom sits at home while everyone else is working hard to make sure she sees her kids. (Ok, that isn't nice...she does not appear to be working hard to get her girls, but it sounds like she does somehow get transportation to pick up the boys.)

As I heard yesterday, it isn't illegal to be lazy. It is, however, hard to watch.

At one point, I did speak up and was able to make a point. The State will pay for day care directly if you send your child to an approved day care. Last summer, when I got the girls, the two were definitely attached and 15-year-olds obviously can't go to day care. So, rather than split the two, my sister took both of them on the days that I work and I paid her from my "stipend". My sister is staying at home with her son and needed money and I still was able to pretty much keep my routine rather than getting kids to day care prior to being at work by 7 and figuring out what day care would keep them until after 8 PM on some days. So, it was a win-win for me, my sister, and the girls...

Their mom totally told me that I should use the money I pay my sister to watch the little one to pay for someone to transport her to and from visits rather than send her to my sister's while I'm at work.

Oh yes she did.

And I was pissed. So, I shared with her the above facts that the REASON my sister watches them and the State doesn't directly pay for it (since she proclaimed that the State most definitely would pay for day care if she was in HER custody) was because of a choice I made to benefit HER kids. The service coordinator quickly took over and twisted the words to make it seem like she didn't actually say that, and the mom semi back-tracked, but I know she said it and she meant it. The coordinator set mom straight that it is not my responsibility to pay for that (and really, it isn't the agency's responsibility to provide transportation either since at this stage of the game, she ought to be self-sufficient/responsible).

Mom addressed the questions regarding the teen continuing to attend school where she is now by saying she is going to get a grant and the teen will take the bus to and from school (mind you, I live in a city with pretty crappy public transportation that also gets "a bit" of snow). No one asked the teen if she was okay with that being her mode of transportation, but I guess she doesn't have a choice.

And that was that. Not what I expected, but at least now they are going to get visits. I wanted the little one to have time with her mom without the other kids there and she is going to get it. I probably should have said something about the fact that if she was so stressed about not being able to see them, she could pick up the phone and call them, but didn't even think about it in the moment.

Then, for whatever reason, the little one was a mess when we got home. She had meltdown upon meltdown and was put to bed early without a bath. Her nap was cut a little bit short, but I didn't think it was enough to create that much drama. These visits with her mom are going to end right in the middle of her nap which she won't get, so those days are going to be super fun. I tried to deal with the initial meltdown by putting her in her room/bed until she was done crying, but the teen swooped in and got her up and held her/etc. going into super protective mom mode. I don't recall her doing that since one of the first weeks they were with me, so I have no clue what was up with that. Maybe she got something out of that meeting that I didn't...maybe they both did. It was just odd and she was unusually quiet before and during dinner (she gets really quiet when she is stressed and she took Excedrin for her headache which she doesn't do very often). I almost thought she wasn't going to come eat dinner with us and she has never skipped dinner. Now that it's later in the evening, I have learned that she is working on a theology paper on the Dead Sea Scrolls that is really stressing her out. So, maybe that was it, but I also think something at the meeting set her off. I tried to keep my mouth shut for the most part, especially not saying anything negatively to or about her mom.

All in all, it wasn't what I expected, but I do think I will feel (at least a little bit) more comfortable with the little one going home after she has spent time bonding with her mom. From what I have heard, she was not the primary caregiver, even though she would never admit that. I also said that I needed a "transition" and not having the little one here with me on my days off will be a definite change (even though she will only be gone from 9-2:30 for now). Once she moves into her new apartment, they can have overnight visits. I'm not sure what that transition will look like, but it's coming. It sounds like after that, they may request a hearing sooner than the current May 31st date to move them back permanently. Of course, I imagine she needs to hold up her end of the deal and keep to the scheduled visits (which ought to be easier since she doesn't have to do anything except be home, but you never know!)

More to come in this saga...never a dull moment ;)
Good night.

I Hate This

I was at work today, but called the service coordinator during a quiet time this morning and we ended up talking for over 20 minutes (a little long, but I did go check on my patient's shortly after that!) Basically, I want direction on what is supposed to be happening with transportation and visits. I worked on my January report yesterday and the girls have had FIVE visits this month. Only ONCE did their mom provide round-trip transportation. Pretty much all of the months since she was supposed to be responsible for transportation have things been like this. I have been told more than once that I don't have to provide transportation, and sometimes have been told that I SHOULD NOT provide transportation (or have my parents provide transportation). However, she always seems to put me in a tough spot and I have a REALLY hard time holding my ground, being the "bad guy", appearing to be difficult to work with, etc.

My family and I are kind-hearted people. We like to help other people. So, saying no is just as hard for my parents as it is for me. Plus, if they don't go on a visit, then sometimes my parents "have" to watch them. Sure, they are really good kids, but it still takes energy to "entertain" and sometimes a break is nice :)

Their mom has unsupervised visits, so she can have them whenever she wants. She just can't have them overnight yet because her apartment is too small (I thought she was moving to a bigger apartment 2 weeks ago, but apparently that hasn't happened). However, she takes them for up to nine hours on Saturdays and Sundays and doesn't call during the week. That is all. She does not have a job. She has not had a job the entire time her kids have been in foster care...nearly fourteen months now.

Back to the service coordinator conversation...she said that if she calls in the morning to say she can't come get the girls, or can't get them home, then they can't have a visit. However, Saturday morning their mom texted me before she picked them up to say they needed a ride home and I was at work. She had them at a visit and they aren't supposed to spend the night, so what was I supposed to do (my dad picked them up)? Yesterday, she said she couldn't get them because of the weather, but I felt bad and my dad drove them there with her word that she would get them back (I texted her five times before I let my dad drive them to make sure she really would get them back to my house). Last week, I picked them up because her ride got a flat tire. The week before, my mom dropped them off because she was going to send a taxi for them (that has since been "nixed" as an option). So, basically, if we didn't help, then they wouldn't see their mom AT ALL...and apparently that isn't supposed to be something that stresses me out.

However, it doesn't seem to be in the best interest of the girls if they ARE to be going home "soon" for them to go home after being out of the home for over a year after not even getting regular visits. So, I feel stuck. The coordinator said she knows I'm "just trying to do the right thing", but I guess we just have to be mean, even if it hurts the girls in the process.

Have I mentioned I hate this?!

I've known since my Day 1 (June 5) that reunification was the goal. I get that. I understand that when they ARE with her, she feeds them and takes care of their physical needs. Their safety is not at risk. However, if she REALLY wanted them back, like REALLY wanted them back, then why is it taking her so long to do what she needs to do to get them? And why isn't she doing everything in her power to see them each and every day (or at least call them)? And if "everyone" knows that she likes the "idea" of having her kids more than "actually" having them, then why can't something be done? This part-time mom is a sweet gig for her, especially when other people are working harder than she is to make sure she sees her kids...and yet all she can say is that no one is helping her (although I do get an occasional thank you which is much appreciated ;) ).

Yes I do know that I signed up to be a foster mom ;)

The coordinator asked mom why she doesn't come get the little one every day since she doesn't go to school and mom doesn't work. She said it's because my sister watches the little one (I texted my sister that answer and she said "Did you say 'yes she watches her because you don't take her-duh!'" I laughed at that one...seriously, duh! Plus, I only work three days a week and have been working a lot of weekends, so there were 3-4 days a week she could have had her all day long.)

I thought that I was doing my best at doing the "tough love" thing, but guess I am still being "too nice". However, these girls are supposed to be going home soon and there is potential that they will just go home without any sort of transition. Personally, I need some kind of transition for myself to adjust to them not being there and I don't really feel that selfish for thinking that. I have been taking care of these girls day in and day out for over 7 1/2 months, loving them all through their mom leaving town, canceling visits, shortening visits, and putting forth minimal (at best) effort to have any sort of contact with them. They both attack me with their chatting about this and that as soon as I walk in the door from work. The little one tells me she loves me all day long. The teen told me she wants to take voice lessons, try out for the sophomore talent show, and be on the cheerleading squad next year. She shares her accomplishments and tells me dreams for her future. I'm there when they go to bed and I'm there when they wake up (most days). I can't even imagine these things coming to an abrupt halt...and knowing that their mom hasn't done a single thing to get them back (but will anyway) just makes it even worse.

If they are going home whether they have one visit or twenty, then maybe I shouldn't stress out about it, but that's way easier said than done. The little one has spent over 1/3 of her life in foster care and was barely bonded to her mom before then, so is it really "fair" to just throw her back to someone she "visits" maybe twice a week? The teen has spent the past 14 months being a kid rather than a parent, so I'd like to hear that she will continue to get to be a teenager when she goes home.

All this rambling on and on and I still don't know what to think or what is "right". Hopefully we will make some progress during our family team meeting tomorrow afternoon. Prayers are definitely appreciated...we all need them :)

Good night.

I Know, I Know

It's been way too long since I posted a real entry here. I really need to make time to write one because I have so much going on and have had many posts in my head that never made it here (or at least haven't yet!) The thing is, I'm not a quick writer (even though I'm a fast typer!) and it hasn't seemed like I would have enough time to write all I wanted to write. Even now, I'm tired and work tomorrow, so probably won't have enough time to write much. However, I wanted to post something, just in case there are people who come here who are worried about me ;)

The girls are still living with me and I still love them bunches. They have been here 7 1/2 months now and I've been hearing that they were "going home soon" pretty much since the first day they came. However, the "soon" really could be SOON, as in weeks, but no one can tell me when or what that will look like. Their mom has been granted overnight visits as soon as she moves into a bigger apartment. However, I am pretty sure she was approved before Christmas and thought it would be ready this week or next (or last!), but who knows how long it will take her to move and get it ready. She frustrates me SO much, especially the fact that she never calls to talk to her girls. My thing is, I'm a STRANGER and she should be calling to check on them at LEAST three times a week. Yes, I'm a nice stranger who loves her girls, but still, it makes me sad that she doesn't think it is important to talk to them. I have lost track of how many times she has canceled visits (okay, not really lost track because I have documented each and every one of them, but you know what I mean ;) ). She canceled last Friday, and all Friday visits until further notice, because "it isn't worth it to pay someone to do transportation for a 3 1/2 hour visit".

With the Friday visits being canceled, she now sees the girls from 10-7:30 on Saturdays and Sundays...and that's the only contact she has with them. However, I am reminded (and tell myself) that this is not a safety risk, so there isn't a reason they should not be back with her. I know that I am lucky in that sense, that I know they will be going back to a clean place where they are warm and fed. I have been doing this "mind over matter" mantra for weeks in preparation for them leaving--I know they will be "ok", I know that the love and stability they have received is an experience that cannot be taken away, I know I have made a difference, I know they can continue to communicate with me even after they go home if they want, and I know that there are a lot of people who will be there for me when my house becomes too quiet.

I knew that one of the hardest parts of being a foster parent is saying good-bye, especially the first time. However, I don't think you can really prepare for this. I think if I knew what was going to happen, if I could really prepare for a certain day, that would help SO much. Instead, I have no clue, no direction besides "soon", and that there is no plan. However, since I don't know when or what or how, that means I am making the most of each and every day, as it should be :) We laugh, we talk, we play, we simply enjoy each other's company...and will continue to do that for as long as we can.

So, that's a little bit about what's been going on around here :) I wish I could write short little blog posts frequently, but I'm not very good at being "brief" ;)

Good night.

For Fun

I'm going to try to get a "serious" blog post out later today/tonight, but I found this quiz on Nikki's blog and decided to try it out. I'm not a "pet person", but definitely would go for a dog over a cat if I had to make a choice. So, without further delay, the quiz told me that if I were a dog, I'd be a...



discover your dog breed @ quiz meme

Non-Meeting Meeting

I was "a bit" stressed out about the family team meeting to be held this afternoon. Even though I thought it would be rough, I was hoping it would be productive, since the past few have not been. The girls are to be going back home very soon, but there are some things that need to be addressed...well, at least things that I think need to be addressed! Personally, I haven't seen an ounce of progress in their mom since the girls came to me over seven months ago which doesn't make me very positive in thinking she isn't going to repeat the behavior that led them to be taken from the home initially. Anyway, I had a "mini conversation" with the teen this morning letting her know I care about her a lot and want what's best for her, but the family team meeting could be tough. There are some things that I'd like to get off my chest, but wasn't sure if I'd really get rid of them at this meeting. However, I kind of wanted her be a little prepared for some harsh words directed at her mom either by me or someone else. Going back home is going to drastically change her life as she has known it for the past thirteen months--some changes obviously are good ones, but others are not. I was thankful she was seeing her counselor before the meeting, and was "lucky" that her counselor called me this morning (since she had written down the appointment for yesterday and wondered why we missed it) so I was able to give her a "heads up" that the afternoon may be hard for the teen.

All that planning/stress was for nothing, though, since when we showed up at mom's apartment, the agency worker was there, but their mom was not. The coordinator arrived shortly after we did and said she had just received a call that the girls' mom was not coming since she was at the unemployment or employment office. Kind of hard to have a "family team meeting" without the mom. (If you are keeping track, no this is not the first time she hasn't showed for a meeting and/or canceled and/or postponed one...pretty sure it's at least the third time, if not the fourth.) We were able to have a "mini-meeting", but couldn't really talk about her without her there, or address any concerns, or have any questions answered, or do much of anything. However, we I did make a point to tell the teen that she HAS to talk to her mom about how important school, HER school, is to her. She is doing amazing there, and did express she would like to graduate from that school. However, it is going to take some commitment on her mom's part, and apparently a lot of extra effort on the teen's part to get to and from school. She was pretty quiet, but she typically is when the conversation is tough (I'm not a fan of the "tough stuff" either...we are two of a kind...ha!) and I'm not sure what she thought about the possibility that the little one would go home first, then their brothers, and then her....

However, even with all of that, no one is able to tell me if there will be a "transition", or if all the kids will just go home at once one day. And, no one knows if this will be two weeks from now, four weeks from now, six weeks from now...their mom has proven to be awful at planning, so who knows how long it will take her to get her new place ready once she gets it!

So, now I need to get myself ready for these conversations another time (hopefully they will plan the next meeting on a day I can go, because I need to be there!). This seriously is messing with me big time! Remember, back before Christmas I wanted to have one of these "heart-to-hearts", prepared myself on at least two different days, maybe three, only to have the service coordinator be there by speakerphone which made it much more difficult. I prepared my heart for them to leave in August, then I prepared myself in case they some how left in between August and the early December court hearing, then I prepared myself for early December, and now when it is closing in on reality, I have no idea what or how to prepare.

In other news, we woke up to no heat...my house was 60 degrees when the teen and I got up at 6:15. I called at 6:40 and the technician arrived by 8:20 to fix it. Awesome! As it turned out, there was a bird in the furnace, but that wasn't the reason I had no heat. We could hear it moving and I was watching him work while sipping my coffee. He asked if I was afraid of birds. I said no, but didn't expect it to come flying out of there, so spilled my coffee everywhere when I jumped! He flew around my basement and then made his way up to the kitchen, then he trapped him in the living room before we directed him out the front door. Exciting morning (he did poop on my kitchen windows...yuck!) The heat was back on before 9:00 and I sent out a recommendation for the company on fb ;)

What a day, what a day. This isn't what I planned to blog about today, but at least I had time to blog something.
Night!

Resistant

This past week has been an emotional roller coaster...well, maybe not so much a roller coaster, since it felt like I spent more time than up, but a roller coaster works ;) I guess the great part of this week is knowing how incredibly blessed I am to have so many people who care about me and are committed to praying for me and supporting me as I work through my current and upcoming changes (that have left me emotional and occasionally irrational ;) ).

Last Sunday, I got to talk to Ginger on Skype which was exactly what I needed...and as the week progressed, she reminded me that boys are not aliens and gave me reasons to smile when all I wanted to do was cry. I love you Ging :)

Monday I met with my counselor and Friday I met with my Spiritual Director. Both of these women have been with me for over a year as I worked through the changes that were occurring in my life during THAT time. They were there when I came to the realization that I did not need to explain to anyone that I really WAS happy with my life as a single 30-year-old. In fact, I think this could be one of the "issues" I have with dating. I struggled for a long time with the pressure from society (and well-meaning family/friends) that there was no way happy and single was possible at my age. Then, I reached the point where I was "filling my own bucket" and truly was content with where my life was, and the path I was on. So, even though a girl can change her mind, this girl obviously does not deal well with change and I am feeling resistant to going down a path I was (am?) convinced I do not need (or want?)

I have always dreamed about being someone's mom, but have rarely considered being someone's wife. I'm not sure why this is, but I do have excellent role models of the single AND married variety. I suppose I do know that dating does not (always) equal marriage, so there isn't a really good reason not to go out and have fun when I have the chance (and maybe get a free meal or something in the mean time ;) ). However, I guess I have put my heart out there in so many other areas of my life and this is the one area where I have succeeded in protecting it, I am not exactly excited about stepping out of my comfort zone. As silly as it sounds, the resistance is real.

As if one "change" isn't enough, I am continuing to attempt to prepare my heart for the girls to leave my home. Unfortunately, there are many mixed messages, and no clear direction on when this will happen or what it will look like. My "number crunching" which led to the realization that although their mom could have "unlimited" visits and unlimited phone calls, the girls saw her EIGHT times in December, and the only time she talked to them on the phone was maybe THREE out of the FIVE times she canceled visits. The teen was off school for FIFTEEN days for the break and saw her mom FOUR times (including Christmas Eve and Christmas Day). Needless to say, this ticked me off to no end and I'm having a hard time working through my disgust at her inability to see that a "perfect" mom would not go for days without talking to their children who are living in a stranger's home. The little one has spent nearly 1/3 of her life living without her mom and there is a possibility that she is going to go home without some sort of transition. To my knowledge, there is not an established plan of how the teen will get to and from school since her private school does not have a school bus. She has done absolutely amazing during the time she has been in foster care in attempting to catch up educationally after the gaps there obviously were in her schooling, but it has required a lot of extra time before and after school with her teachers (and independent, relatively quiet, studying at home)...

I could go on and on, but the reality is that they will be going home...and they will be going home soon. I always knew this was going to happen, but I had no idea what it would feel like. Yes, I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea HOW hard. For a long time, I felt sorry for their mom, gave her the benefit of the doubt, and trusted she was doing her best. Now, I have reached the point where I really don't like her. I don't like the way she treats her girls and I don't like the way she uses and abuses the system. I also don't really like that I don't like her, because my natural instinct is to like everyone, or at least look for the best in them. The truth is, no matter how much it hurts my heart to think about them leaving, my resistance isn't going to make them stay. In fact, the only one hurt by the resistance is me. Their mom doesn't care that I don't think she has proven she should get her kids back, and since there is no safety risk, the State doesn't see a reason to keep them in foster care. So, the "war" that is going on inside is a battle I am trying to stop fighting so I can truly enjoy what is left of what has been a life-changing experience.

Well, I had hopes of this being a "soul-searching" post, and I suppose in some ways I do feel a bit better, so I guess it has served it's purpose in that sense ;) Hopefully I can make time to "journal" a little more frequently during this time in order to unload the emotions/stress little by little. Wednesday is the "big" family team meeting, so hopefully I will know more about the transition plan, or if there will be a transition. I am hoping that if I have a "date" when they are going home, I will have an easier time understanding that it really IS going to happen and can "prepare" accordingly (whatever that looks like!)

I'd better go do some laundry/dishes/cleaning while the girls are gone or the teen will wonder what I did with all of my time...ha! I'm going to miss that girl so much!

What to Say

I don't even know what to say, so I haven't said anything (or, rather, written). I'm a "mess". I think that says it best. I talked to Ginger on Skype for over an hour Sunday night and just bawled (poor little one...we had to tell her Ginger was making me laugh really hard!) Earlier in the day, I saw the "guy from church" after church and am afraid I was kind of rude...or at least "short" with him (I also believe I was on Saturday when he called too). Ginger helped me a lot (she looked me in the eye...gotta love Skype!...and instructed me NOT to be mean to the boy!) However, it is Wednesday and I still haven't talked to him. I met with my amazing counselor on Monday afternoon, and again just bawled. She also pointed out that honesty is the way to go and he WILL understand.

My life as I have known it for the past seven months is about to be turned upside down...only I don't know when or how it is going to look...and I have zero control over that (even though I have pointed out that the girls had eight visits the entire month of December with five canceled visits--the teen was off school for 15 days and saw her mom 4 times). I have wanted to talk to the teen to really tell her how much she and her sister have meant to me and my life these past seven months...and let her know that I'm not going anywhere. I also want to tell her that her mom sucks, but that's not really appropriate and she probably already knows ;) However, like with "the boy", I haven't found the right time/place, so have said nothing.

Thank goodness I'm not prone to ulcers, or I would most definitely have one. I am not sure how many times I teared up driving to and from the WIC office this morning, both about the girls and about the conversation I need to have with the boy. You would think that I would just get it over with, but I haven't. As if all of this wasn't enough, the nun who taught me piano and voice passed away at the age of 99 1/2 on Monday night...and one of the "favorite" patients passed away yesterday at the age of 5 1/2.  Plus, I'm in the middle of getting my series of hormone labs drawn with hopes(?) of officially diagnosing me with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). That, and I am not sure how many (kindly curious) co-workers asked me about the "dating" yesterday.

It's been a rough week and it's only Wednesday. I suppose I should have titled this "I NEED to Say..." rather than "What" because I know what I need to do, I just don't know how...or don't want to because it is "hard".

I still haven't 100% decided on my "One Word" for 2011...I probably should use commitment or something since I'm obviously struggling with that! However, maybe "trust" is still a good choice...I was going to use "journey" since there was a really good reflection about journey in relation to the Wise Men on Epiphany Sunday last week. I'm still thinking about it though...and then maybe will like to Alece's post...maybe ;)

Alright, I suppose I should play with the little one, but I felt like I should post something here...especially for anyone who looks here, but doesn't read my "tweets" ;)

Prayers are obviously accepted/appreciated as I am on this journey of the unknowns. We have a family team meeting next Wednesday. I'm not sure when the girls' mom's apartment will be ready, but I suppose if there is not to be a "transition", they could go back as early as next week. Personally, I haven't seen any "progress" on her part from the time that the girls first went into care, but what do I know?!

Good night.

Still Here

It's been busy around here, and a little bit stressful. The girls' mom got them for a couple of visits, canceled a visit, almost canceled a couple of visits, and today the girls chose to stay with me INSTEAD of going on a visit. I heard this week that their mom's apartment will be ready in a week or two and there is a possibility there won't be a "transition" home, simply just go home when she has adequate housing. Needless to say, that left me rather emotional. I love these girls...and I knew they wouldn't stay forever, but the reality is still hard to swallow. Of course, things are ever-changing with no one really knowing "the plan", so they could still be here for spring break...if things go the way I'd like ;) I talked to their first foster mom for the first time in months and we had a nice visit about how the girls are doing. Both of us agreed that God had His hands all over the plan for these girls that included both of our families.

In addition to being stressed about the girls, I'm having issues with this "dating thing". I knew I would, which is why I made an appointment to see my counselor as soon as I could. He has been calling and texting me and invited me to a party and out to brunch. He likes me, he really likes me and I have no clue what to do with that...besides freak out...and occasionally cry. I've been anti-dating for so long and really was/am happy with the way things are going in my life...and change is not easy for me at all. I'm not sure what I'm going to do (besides continue to take deep breaths and "talk it out" as often as I can with people I trust...not at work even though people there try to talk to me about it all the time!)

That brings me to another reason it has taken me so long to write. I really want to participate in a "One Word" challenge I read about on Alece's blog (and a couple of others). Basically, you pick one word to focus on for the year instead of a "resolution". However, I am struggling with what word I want to do! Alece used "risk" last year which is probably along the lines of what I "need" to do, but it sounds too "risky" ;) I think 2010 required a lot of trust and could be a good one to continue into 2011. I've also thought about "open", "courage", "willing", "strength"...a few more that I can't remember right now, but I haven't decided yet. 2011 is definitely going to hold some changes, with at least one really difficult one when the girls go back home, so maybe I need a word that will help me "survive" all of the changes, but maybe also "embrace" them, or gain "perspective" through them. 2010 had its challenges for sure, but I learned a great deal about myself and the many people who care about me. I did a lot of "growing up" last year and becoming a mom, even a "temporary" one, brought even more fulfillment to my life than I imagined.

So, I'm still here, but there's been a lot of "thinking" going on. In the past, this has been a good place for me to "think"...or "talk it out", so I need to remember that. I've also been enjoying my extra time with the teen during her Christmas break...which is a better reason than I have too much going on in my head to blog ;) Right now we are catching up on our Days of Our Lives, so I should wrap this up...hopefully my next post will contain my One Word for 2011 :)