I Needed That

The past two days at work were extremely busy! We are overflowing with patients and all of them seem to have high needs. I ran my tail off for 12 hours both days and basically just sat down long enough to eat...lunch only. I did not get to eat breakfast either day, so both days the only thing I had in my stomach before 1:00 (after getting up at 6) was coffee (and Mike & Ike's from my Secret Santa yesterday). I think I maybe drank (at the most) two cups of water the entire day. It was seriously crazy (and I had to remind myself of my "3 P's" multiple times!)

I was going to title this post "Don't be an A*" as in, don't be an a-hole, or something similar, but opted against using that at this point. However, I've been taking care of a patient for the past three months nearly every day that I work. I get along great with her (she's a teenager) and her mom...as do most of the people on my floor. However, her dad really is not a nice person...at least that is the consensus of everyone who has had contact with him. So, most nurses do what they can to avoid taking this patient on the days her dad is there because he can, and often will, make your life/shift miserable. Thankfully, he isn't awful to me quite as often as he is to other people (I think because his daughter likes me), so I take her almost every time I work so I don't have to deal with crabby co-workers (and because I do like the kid most of the time).

Yesterday really was not an enjoyable day, likely due in part from having a very busy/stressful day on Wednesday but also because her dad was CRABBY. His child is rather sick which meant I had to make multiple trips into the room to do things to care for her needs. I could not avoid it and dreaded every time I had to walk down that hallway and into her room knowing I'd have "daggers" thrown at me every time. My other patients were sick and had "high needs" as well and I didn't have the time or the energy to deal with his negativity, rude comments, glares, etc. and it kind of made for a miserable day (thank goodness for my Secret Santa gift and empathetic co-workers who were definitely thankful it was me and not them...ha!)

I was exhausted when I got home (after getting fast food because I didn't want to wait for a frozen meal or making anything...I seriously need to get to the gym!) and my back, legs, and feet were sore. I sat on the couch for a little while watching TV and IMing with the teen and then headed to bed early. I was asleep by 11 and didn't set an alarm. I woke up at 8 when I needed to go to the bathroom. I quickly fell back asleep and didn't wake up again until 11:15! It wasn't like I was being lazy and just couldn't pull myself out of bed, I seriously slept solid the entire time (even with the sun coming through my window!) I guess I needed that...and am grateful that I COULD get that sleep that I obviously needed. I know it's a "privilege" that I don't take for granted, but it was a definite reminder of how tough my job really is (even though it's my Passion & Purpose and I Plan to continue doing it!) I'm thankful I had today off and tomorrow as well. I also may need to consider taking a break from that patient (I did take one a couple of weeks ago) except her mom will be back on Sunday and I enjoy visiting with her :) I seriously wish I could tell him to stop being an a-hole and maybe he'll get better results from the people who, need I remind him, are taking care of his child!

I am thankful that he is in the minority and most people really do appreciate the care that we give. It's unfortunate that they have been in the hospital this long so we have had to deal with the negativity and a-hole-ness for a very long time.

I talked about my "One Word" for 2011 at my therapy appointment on Tuesday and my Spiritual Director appointment today, so will have to do a "reflection" post at some point. I also think I know my "One Word" for 2012 and am looking forward to "unveiling" that. I have a busy day tomorrow (even though I'm "off"), so I'd better head to bed.

Good night :)

Busy Day

Busy week, actually...I have been trying to get a day off work ALL week and there is virtually no chance I'll get tomorrow off either. I'm really tired, but I have been keeping busy with fun stuff along with working (since I worked on Sunday, I technically will work 4 12-hour shifts this week even though Sunday counted for last week).

The teen and I left bright and early this morning for the 60 mile drive down the road for her leadership conference. It was about time for me to leave her on the stairs after registration to part ways and she kind of freaked out. Not like a huge freak out, but she definitely looked frightened and said "I'm not so sure about this now...I'm the only one here from my school..." I told her she would be fine, to talk to people, and learn something.

Then, I found a place in the student union to park my computer and a book (after getting a guest login to their wifi--it would have been a LONG day without that!) I had my back to the room and was facing the window, so didn't see enough people to determine whether sitting in the student union of a university made me feel "old" or "young".

My aunt lives in the city where the university is and was able to pick me up for lunch which was nice to break-up my day (the conference was scheduled to go from 8:30 until 2 or 3). I hadn't seen her for a long time and it was really nice to have a one-on-one chat. I found a different place in the union after lunch and was able to keep myself pretty entertained while I waited (thank you lap top and wifi!)

I'm not a fan of driving and it was really hard to stay awake during the drive home (I wonder if my parents took me for car rides to make me sleep when I was little because it sure does the trick now...or at least tries to!) I was going to take a nap when I got home, but had to cook dinner, then had some phone calls/texts and never got my nap.

The teen decided she wanted to go to a movie with her guy friend she met on twitter that she'd never met in person (yes, she really is my daughter!) I reminded her that I trusted her (and she assured me that her mom wouldn't kill me for letting her do this) and if she went anywhere besides the movie theater and the ice cream shop next door, she HAD to let me know.

After dinner, I dropped her off, then went to a high school football game where my Senior cousin is a cheerleader since it was the State semi-finals. My aunt (a different one, still my mom's sister though making that three sisters I had one-on-ones with during the past three weeks!) was there and I think glad that I could come. I only stayed until half-time since I had to go pick up the teen...all of this was another hour and half of driving.

So, this person who hates to drive, drove 3 1/2 hours today...add that to the working and being on the go on the couple of days I didn't work, no wonder I'm so tired!

It's been really fun having the teen here this week, even though I've ALMOST been too busy to enjoy it (but not really since it's her presence that I missed the most!) She doesn't know her mom's address, so she kept my information on the form at the university. Her aunt accidentally called my house looking for her older brother, but she didn't have the number to call her aunt back. She hasn't talked to any of her siblings this week and neither of us know when her mom is coming back/how long she is going to stay with me. I told her she can stay how ever long she wants, so we'll see :)

Well, apparently there is no chance that I'll be able to sleep in tomorrow, so I'd better head to bed.
Good night.

Checking In

I've been wanting to blog, I really have, but it's been a busy week and I'm tired! I actually am getting to work this week, which is fabulous, but does make for some long and tiring days. Today, I even went in for "overtime" which is very exciting (but, again, a little tiring after spending days at home lounging around!)

The girls are still living here as we continue to wait for the Judge's ruling. I talked to their GAL on Friday (I love her and wish we would have had her all the time, but it is what it is and she understands things very well!) who told me I would be one of the first to know when there is a report. She thought the State would have to arrange "pick up", so it isn't likely they would just come get the girls "randomly" while I was at work. She said that I could bring the girls and their things to their mom's if that would be a better/easier transition. There is a possibility that the order won't be for them to go home "immediately" and I think having a "date" would be easier for all of us (besides their mom who wants them home now...for reasons I best not type right now in my tired state in case I regret it later).

Their mom was MUCH less manipulative in her "conversing" with me this weekend, which was much appreciated (I was MORE than happy to send the requested milk + juice and bread with the girls today). I wanted to write a post titled "Out of Sight, Out of Mind", but may just have to write a small bit here. It feels like when the girls are with their mom, they have a good time, but when they are here, it is as if they really are "out of sight, out of mind". She knows how to contact me. She knows how to reach the teen (and the little one). But, she never does. She doesn't "communicate" until it's Friday afternoon and she "wants" them for the weekend. I think that is really sad. I ask the teen almost every day if she had talked to her mom, just in case there is some kind of communication occurring about visits or anything that I need to know about. The answer is always "no". I realize that the teen COULD contact her mom just as easily as her mom contacts her, but that isn't really the point. As much as I understand that this seeming lack of care and concern for her children isn't grounds to keep them living here, it still hurts to think about them going back to that way of living. I mean, when I'm at work, I call the teen at LEAST three times to check on her and she showed me the finger she burned on her flat iron at LEAST three times. She is used to the attention, and I'm pretty sure she likes it :)

I haven't heard from "the guy" since we went out two weeks ago. Maybe he knew things weren't really going to work before I did. I got mixed reactions from the relatives and friends I have talked to about what I discovered in therapy, but everyone has been more understanding than I expected. Of course, I still think I need to have some sort of conversation with him, but I'm okay waiting until we can meet face-to-face or at least have a phone conversation.

I've had two dreams during the past week that I needed to be licensed for three kids instead of just two. I don't think I'd really take three kids, but I did email my agency worker to see what would need to happen for me to get licensed for three. I think it is based on square footage, so I believe I could take four (or maybe even more) since I have a three bedroom house. I decided on two since that sounded more reasonable (I'm glad I didn't just say one!)

Well, this was supposed to be a super quick "checking in" post, but ended up being much longer! I need to end now so I can do a couple things before going to bed. I work the next two days, so that will be a "rude awakening" for my body. I have no idea when the girls will be back, but at least I won't miss them QUITE as much if I'm busy and tired!

Good night.

Crazy Schedules

I haven't been able to blog since we've been running crazy schedules around here! No wonder the little one cries all the time...or way more than she used to :( Poor kid has been here, there, everywhere, missing naps, getting short naps, staying up too late, getting up too early...plus she has had a cough for a while and I took her today and got her a "z-pack" for a sinus infection. It's been a crazy week, that's for sure! I have been working a lot of weekends, but have this weekend off for a couple of events. So, since I have the weekend off, my three shifts are during the week (go figure ;) ). That means, I work Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. That's over 60 hours in a week (if I did my math correctly...it isn't even 10:00 and I am falling asleep on the couch while typing). On my "days off" (Monday and today), I made phone calls, arranged transportation for visits, scheduled visits, took my car to the shop, took the little one to the doctor, ran a couple of errands, but nothing that feels at all productive. My house is a mess, I have letters to write, books to read, "fun" phone calls I'd like to make, but all I want to do in my "spare time" is sleep.

Monday, I thought the little one would be at her mom's from 9-3:30 with me dropping her off and picking her up. At 11, I found out that transportation actually was arranged, so she would be dropped off between 1:15 and 1:30, which definitely changed what I was planning to do during that time. When 1:30 came, I found out that the person who was supposed to pick her up forgot, so then I had to get her which messed up her schedule AND mine. It sort of went downhill from there. Today, the person DID pick her up around 1:15, but she had started to lay down for a nap at her mom's, so she got a second wind and wouldn't sleep until it was pretty late and then I had to wake her up. Both days she went completely bonkers upon being woken up from her nap crying hysterically and nearly unconsolably...good times.

The teen has actually been in a pretty good mood this week, sometimes talking my ear off when I'm trying to do something else, but I'll take that over ignoring me or being rude any day ;) She even didn't freak out when I addressed her missing homework assignments yesterday. Of course, I just checked her grades and she had ANOTHER missing assignment today. Ugh! I'm afraid I'm not a very good "parent" to a teenager who isn't really mine. But, she's a good kid who doesn't ask for much, doesn't complain, rarely/never talks back, and really does appear to want to do well in school. The missing assignments irritate me and I don't think she really needs to be getting D's on her Spanish tests... However, this morning she asked to go in early to get help with math, she stayed late for a biology review session on Monday (still got a 55%...poor kid!), and goes in for English help a lot. Yes, she does a lot of studying while she's singing, but I have been told that prior to her being in foster care, she didn't really attend school on a regular basis. She's dealing with a lot right now too, and this crazy schedule affects her just as much as it affects the little one and me.

So, we're still here. Going here, there, and everywhere without any clear direction on where things are going, but we're doing the best we can and making the most of the time we have.

I'm looking forward to this weekend--Saturday night, I'm going to a fundraising event at my/the teen's school (my mom is going to be my DD...free wine!) and Sunday, the little one will go to her mom's while I bring the teen to an event she has been talking about for over a month. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I think it is a college fair type thing :) We'll have fun. I got them both some little gifts for Valentine's Day as well as cards and we're going to eat at a Chinese restaurant for dinner. I'm definitely counting my blessings :)

Time for bed...I feel really old going to bed this early, but you gotta do what you gotta do!
Good night.

Feeling Weary

I wish I had had time to write this post days ago, when the weariness had just begun, before I reached the point that I can no longer keep the tears from falling. I'm tired. Mostly emotionally, but physically too...

I can't believe it's been nearly a week since I blogged, so I guess I should rewind a bit. I'm not exactly sure when things began to go in a downward spiral, but maybe I should start from where I left off.

Friday, the teenager did not have school and my aunt had planned a bonfire for the pumpkin patch where I was also working. So, I decided it would be fun for the three of us to go, then they could stay with my family or walk around while I worked since I was just scheduled 5-8:30. The teen was already stressing Thursday night about her English outline that was due on Monday and all her other homework. However, I was going to (attempt) to "force" her to come with us whether she wanted to or not because it was a "family deal". It ended up working out that her best friend could come with us, so it was nice I didn't have to fully convince her it was a good idea.

She had a great time while we were there (and the little one did amazingly well without a nap even though we were there from 2-9:30!) However, when we got home, she went straight into stress mode. I reminded her that when she's 30, she will remember going to the pumpkin patch with her best friend and little sister, not staying home working on her English homework. Yes, I was a straight-A student, but one of my "regrets" is not having a little bit more fun outside of school. But, I talked to her about what exactly an outline is and the purpose of it. Okay, talked at her may be a more appropriate description of the talking at a brick wall I was doing...

I received a note from the "Student Advocate" letting me know that the teen was placed in a mandatory after school study session for biology since she failed her last exam. I was already aware of this since she  told me right away. However, the letter said it was due to her "not working up to her potential". Well, that sent me into "Mother Hen mode". It was like a slap in the face because she tries SO hard, I've been telling her for weeks how proud I am of her effort, and I study with her every single day. I was at a loss for words, although I did manage to send her a lengthy, rather emotional, email Saturday evening. This girl needs HELP, help that I'm not able to give her. She has been talking to her teachers, getting help from me, and doing pretty much nothing besides homework and study.

Sunday, I was scheduled to work, but was forced off yet again. It actually worked out okay since my dad was going to bring the girls to their mom and she called two minutes before he was to drop them off to let me know she wasn't home. Fabulous. Also, even though Saturday night, I had spent over an hour brainstorming a rough outline with the teenager, she still didn't get it. So, Sunday entailed six (or eight) hours of straight working on the outline with her asking me questions/getting reinforcement every few minutes. I couldn't get anything else done, so was glad the little one took an over 3 hour nap. She just couldn't wrap her mind about how it worked, nor does she have a good grasp of grammar/spelling/sentence structure. She spent hours and hours working on it, but if you didn't know it, you likely wouldn't have believed it. By 11:30, she was spent, and so was I. She wasn't even completely finished at that time. I can't even imagine how frustrated she was and how discouraging that must feel to seriously have no clue how to do these things because it was stressful (and emotional) enough for me to watch.

Yesterday, I went to work and was thankful for a nice, slow day that wasn't filled with emotionally draining patients (as if a four-year-old with cancer and a thirteen-year-old who had severe head trauma from a bike accident aren't emotional...). I sent an email to the teen's English teacher letting her know how much time was put into the outline that was turned in. I received a nice email response from her letting me know that she is well aware of the effort and that M has been going in for extra help quite often. She offered to pass my email on to the other teachers. I also received an email response from her advisor since I had sent an email to her last week. She is also one of M's teachers and offered to let her take the test Monday instead of Friday so M can focus on her Biology test. She is going to continue to offer support to M which is great. The student advocate also emailed me back and apologized for the wording stating it was sort of a form letter. She stated she was aware that M needs extra help, but didn't EXACTLY say what she was going to do about it. However, the combination of the three emails did make me feel better, although a few days of stewing about it definitely didn't help my emotional state.

Last night, the teen actually appeared slightly less stressed for some reason, but it was definitely a breath of fresh air after the intensity of the previous days.

Good thing I had that "break" because today was not-so-stellar. I think it was the culmination of everything rather than one specific thing that sent me over the edge, but it was not pretty...

I brought the little one to her mom at 8:30. I was looking forward to working on my September foster parent report (I kept quite the log with all of the he said/she said that went on during that time) and just relaxing, and hopefully getting an appointment to see my counselor. However, somehow the morning got away from me (I did go let my sister put some color in my hair which was much needed and I feel a LOT better in the hair-do department which is nice :) ). Everything was taking me longer than expected and I ended up having to go through the drive-thru on the way to my 2:00 appointment (and I got a shake...much needed!)

One thing that held me up was an "innocent" call to the agency that has been providing transportation to let them know they only needed to pick up the teen and they could be brought back to my house. I was informed they they just found out they were no longer providing transportation and I just about lost it. Seriously, right then? Today? When we have a family team meeting tomorrow? And no one decided to call and let me know about the change? So...apparently, I for sure would need to pick up the little one, and possibly have to do a "round trip" with the teen so she could see her mom today too...so much for my evening alone.

I went to my appointment and the service coordinator returned my call while I was there. I just lost it and started bawling. I understand that the mom needs to take responsibility for transportation, but really, the only people that were hurt/affected by the change today was me and the girls. Would it have been SO hard to continue the visit today as usual and discuss the changes tomorrow as a group?? I just didn't understand why I was the one who had to deal with the fall-out from this decision when I'M the one taking care of the kids!

Plus, I seriously needed tonight, I really did. I love these girls with all my heart and LOVE that the teen is willing to ask for help and talk to me, but I needed a break. My mind needed a break from high school homework for a little while. I needed to write a blog post so maybe the tears wouldn't have come and then decide to stick around for a while. I needed a nap or something so I wouldn't snap at the little one for eating with her fingers or get irritated with the teen for not listening when I was trying to help her with her algebra.

And, I've been working on this post for two hours...in between helping with algebra.

Oh, and the little one never got a nap today and her mom took her all over the place. I didn't give her a nap on Friday, so understand and was definitely lucky she wasn't crabbier than she was. However, both last night and tonight, she cried for her mom at bedtime (and also for her sister). She hasn't cried for her sister at bedtime in MONTHS and I can't remember her crying for her mom before.

Well, it's late, but thankfully the teen has a late start, so I may be able to sleep in a little bit. I suggested going out for breakfast, so maybe we will do that...I think the teen and I both need an "outing" :)

Good night.

Progress?

I have to make this quick because I've barely been able to keep my eyes open the past TWO hours...craziness! However, I wanted to post something because I have gotten so much love, support, and prayers here on this blog that I think "y'all" deserve an update.

Last night, I decided to talk to the teen again. This time, she kinda sorta looked at me during our "conversation" and the tears fell down her cheeks as I spoke to her. She never said a word, but I knew she was listening. I told her how proud I am of her and that I know how much she cares about other people. She is a caregiver by nature and is always worried about everyone else. I told her that those are GREAT qualities, but she needs to take care of herself too. SHE is important and her needs matter. While she may not get what she wants, she won't know unless she asks. I let her know that, while it is REALLY hard, she can't ALWAYS worry about hurting other people's feelings. I'm not sure what else I said, but it felt like somewhat of a "breakthrough" because not only did my words bring tears to her eyes, she was able to speak to me when our "conversation" was over (I told her that we could be done talking about it unless SHE wanted to talk...and then we watched "Parenthood"...ha!)

This afternoon, the worker from the State came. The caseworker ended up not being able to come at the same time, so she came later. I am SO SO SO proud of the teenager because she actually talked to BOTH of them, even though that had to be extra tough to talk not once, but twice. I'm not sure how deep the conversations went and I left for parts of them (since they are supposed to meet with her alone), but it appeared that there was little-to-no silence. In the past, she has spoken very little to them, sometimes actually appearing rather rude and refusing to even answer direct questions. So, the fact that she was even engaging in possible superficial conversations is a huge step. The State worker said he would call me next week to fill me in on what was said during their "private" conversation.

I asked the caseworker what would happen if she actually DID come out and say she didn't want to go home. She wasn't exactly sure, but I suppose a decision like that could potentially mean separating from her entire family (since I can't imagine her mom would be happy to hear she didn't want to come home and could do whatever she wanted to make her life miserable for choosing that...sad, but likely true). I still think it's important for her to speak up and voice her concerns and worries about going home (IF she has them) and how her life will change when that happens.

Another "progress" is that I offered to take both girls to their mom after the workers left (that was when I thought they were coming at the same time). The teenager told me that she really needed to clean her room and had homework to do, so she would just see her mom tomorrow. I called her mom to let her know that I would bring the little one, but the teenager would see her tomorrow. I am REALLY proud of her for being able to say "no" to a visit...I know that eventually she will have to face her mom, but it's a big step to be able to say that it doesn't work for her. As it turned out, I didn't bring the little one to her mom either since when I called back, mom wasn't feeling well and thought she was likely contagious with a respiratory illness. I decided that the little one didn't need to be exposed to that (mom acted like she didn't want her to come anyway, but WOULD take her, blah blah...so, I suppose I'll say it was MY decision not to take her). During that conversation, mom said that she wanted the teenager to call her so "they could talk about what 'other' plans she had for this afternoon/evening". I told the teen her mom wanted her to call her later (and reminded her at least twice, if not three times...I don't think she ever DID call her!) I can't believe I said this, but I ACTUALLY said "I know she's your mom, but don't let her make you feel bad."

Today, it seemed easier for her to hear my "I'm proud of you's" which warms my heart. She is the sweetest girl and I'm so blessed to have her in my life. That's what makes it so tough to see her hurting. I've been riding a fine line with my emotions because I don't want her to "worry" about me, but I also want her to to know HOW deeply I care about her and how much it hurts me to see her hurting. I've broken down in tears a couple of times in her presence, but have managed to keep them away while we are talking.

Today was a "big day" at her high school/my high school, so the little one and I went to the "activities". I'm sure I've written about this day previously, but I'm too tired to go back and find old posts. However, I think I will end this longer-than-expected post with a prayer that is spoken regularly at this school, and often at the forefront of todays events.

The Suscipe of Mother Catherine McAuley

My God, I am yours for time and eternity. 

Teach me to cast myself entirely into the arms of your loving Providence with a lively, unlimited confidence in your compassionate, tender pity. 

Grant, O most merciful Redeemer,

That whatever you ordain or permit may be acceptable to me. 

Take from my heart all painful anxiety; let nothing sadden me but sin, nothing delight me but the hope of coming to the possession of You my God and my all, in your everlasting kingdom. Amen.

Powerful words...challenging words.

Well, I work tomorrow, so I should be headed to bed. All this emotional stuff is exhausting (I actually left a message with my counselor today. I haven't spoken to her in a long time!) The three-year-old was driving me crazy today, likely because I didn't have enough energy to deal with her AND all that's going on with the teenager. I feel badly that she got the raw end of the deal many times today, but she'll get over it, right?! I'm not sure how I'd do being the mother of a child who can't feed herself and doesn't sleep through the night!

Okay, time for bed :)

Watch Your Wishes

So, how many times have I said I missed work, how I really wanted to go back to work, how I NEEDED to go back to work?! Well, I definitely had to fight off the complaints today because I was EXTREMELY close to saying that I REALLY wanted to be at home! My days of staying up late caught up to me me and I am POOPED! My neck also still hurts which is really annoying (I AM getting a pedicure in the morning, so hopefully they have a massage chair that can at least do a LITTLE something with that!) It honestly shouldn't have been a bad day since I didn't have a "full load" of patients. However, my new patient came right at the time I wanted to eat lunch and my other patient had stuff that needed to be done. Needless to say, as hard as I tried to tell myself differently, I still found that having a 3:30 lunch is "really crappy". I actually felt awful by that point since I was tired and hungry and crabby and a little stressed...and reminding myself that I wanted/needed to work and that I do love my job.

I should be in bed asleep, but have been doing a little bit of catching up on twitter and blogs and some DVR shows (and having a green apple smirnoff :) ) But, my drink is almost finished and I'm fading fast, so should go to bed. I signed up for some extra shifts, but am not sure if I will get them. However, if I DO, then I'll need to get some sleep in order to function during them!

Pedicure in the morning...theme party at night...(Crazy pants or No pants...that will be interesting!) These are the same people who had the party to honor pizza delivery drivers...crazy folks, but fun party (have to work on Sunday, so not LATE partying, but good times :) )

Even though I got crabby and hungry and tired, I still love my job...and wishing to go back there is okay :)

Tired Eyes

I have no clue why I'm so tired, but it's mostly my eyes. I got plenty of sleep, but couldn't get myself to do anything and spent much of the day staring at my computer and the TV with little focus. I did go to Curves and mowed my lawn. I tried going to watch my cousin play tennis, but it started pouring before she played. I did have dinner with her, her sister, and my aunt and uncle which was nice. Then, I went to my cousin's apartment since I haven't seen it and we had a nice visit. Now I have found my place on the couch an my 60 minutes with the computer off either isn't going to happen or will happen while I watch my DVR of "Medium"...

I guess a lot of my attention has been to the coverage of the floods in Nashville. The pictures and stories are just devastating. It's so hard to believe that the places I visited (particularly the ones from this day) are under water. It just makes me want to cry. I actually DID cry when I watched this video.



I have visited Nashville at least four times, including a trip to the Grand Ole Opry to see Martina McBride for my 26th birthday. A picture showing a flooded Opry brought tears to my eyes. I found a picture that shows the same area of town that I took pictures of just last week. I created a collage to show the "before" and "after". The pond at my aunt and uncle's house flooded to a point that it got pretty close to their back porch (a tree that is typically 10 feet away from the pond is under water). It is just so sad...

I saw this video posted on a blog yesterday. It tells the story of how the song "It is Well With My Soul" came to be. It seems like I have heard it previously, but had forgotten. It actually is a really sad story...and amazing that he was able to have such good words to say during a tragic time in his life.

I actually heard THIS version on the way to work yesterday...weird (I just remembered that!)

My thoughts and prayers are with the people of Nashville and the surrounding areas...tomorrow, I need to be more productive around my house.
Good night.

Little Bit of Random

I was at a conference all day and am invited to a birthday party tonight. After working the past two days and STILL dealing with this cold, I'm sleepy and am thinking a nap is a necessity if I want to have fun at the party. So, I'll type fast :)

• The woman next to me at the conference balanced her checkbook and read the newspaper during the first presentation. She again read the paper during the last presentation and some of the rest of the time it looked like she was figuring out her calendar, grocery list, something...I tried to ignore what she was doing because it was annoying.
• However, she was WAY less annoying than the two women behind me. They talked to each other all day long. Yes, you read that correctly--during EVERY.SINGLE.PRESENTATION. It was so rude and disrespectful and irritating. My blood was boiling and it felt like smoke was coming through my ears...I was SO mad! They were bothering (at least) two other women, but none of us said anything and apparently our looks did nothing to stop them. At one point, one of them took the time to clean out her purse...yes, in the middle of the presentations. My final "look back" incited the comment of "if you wanted to pay attention, you shouldn't have sat in the back..." Oh yes she did...only whispered to her friend and not DIRECTLY to me...I was too shocked to have a response. I don't "get" some people.
• I had a "little" panic attack when I noticed that a visitor to my blog came from a link on fb. I have worked for nearly three years to keep my blog "safe", fairly private, and mostly anonymous. I went into panic mode thinking that I had somehow linked my blog to my fb page. From what I can tell, I have not done that, but apparently it must be on fb somehow/somewhere...guess I'll just have to pray that God continues to keep this blog in the right hands. At times, I have thought about really making this a private blog, but I have "met" so many great people from blogging that it hasn't felt "right" to put a stop to "meeting" any new people...
• My cousin is having a wedding shower out of town tomorrow. I requested the day off, and was thinking that I would ride with my mom, sister, and nephew (or with one of my other aunts). I hadn't really figured out any plans, but last night asked my mom if I could ride with her. She seemed VERY surprised that I was off work even though I feel like I told her multiple times (and said that this was why I was ASKING for a ride). A little bit ago, she called to give me more details of our departure plans...and had to drop in a little comment about my "little demands". I definitely called her out on that considering I have barely talked to her this week and haven't been over to visit. She did a little bit of backpedaling and said work has been crazy...okay, totally not my fault.
• There's my little bit of random...I seriously need a nap so I'm not a "party pooper" :)
  

8 months

I can't believe my nephew turned eight months old yesterday! I went out and visited him and my sister (and his cousin that my sister baby-sits). He is such a happy boy and so much fun :o)

I stayed up to finish watching the ice skating last night, so went to bed pretty late considering I had to get up early for the first time all week. For some reason, I could NOT fall asleep! I was even playing nice quiet music to try and relax me (that skating was pretty exciting!) It was a 70 minute CD and I was awake when it stopped (I may have dozed off here and there, but definitely did not sleep!) It was SO annoying because I knew that 5:30 would come early! Then, it was a super slow day at work...not exactly something to COMPLAIN about, but it did make for a longer day. I need to bring some things to do tomorrow since I will have the same patients back tomorrow.

I went and watched my dad's basketball team play tonight right after work. I knew I would be hungry, so I stopped at L0ng J0hn Silvers on the way to the game...even though one of my "Lenten things" is to put good things into my body and fried fish, hush puppies, and fries is not so much on that line. Also, the people serving me my food in the drive thru looked mighty sketchy (I know, shouldn't judge a book by it's cover) but I suppose that's the "risk" you take when you eat food from somewhere other than home (or someone else's home).

Well, since I have to work again tomorrow, I shouldn't stay up much longer. Good thing it doesn't look like I missed anything on the Olympics today that I need to watch on DVR.

Good night :o)

Another Busy Day "Off"

I suppose I'd rather be busy than bored, but it really is nearing the end of January and I guess it will just be a pleasant surprise if people get "Christmas" cards. I saw on someone's facebook status today that it has been over 8 days since there was sunshine here...no wonder all I want to do when I am home is sleep! My mom and sister "invited" me to go out with them and my nephew tomorrow and I really want to hang out with them, but tomorrow is my last "day off" before I start a long stretch of having to go to work every day for an one hour or thirteen. So, I think I will go for lunch and his Valentine's/Seven-month photographs and call it good (or maybe a little shopping too...)

This morning, I went to my high school and talked to sophomores about how awesome it is to be a nurse :o) Another alum and I have done this talk for the past four years and we make a good team. She graduated high school in the early 80s and STILL loves being a nurse, so I am hopeful that it will be the same for me :o) It really is a ministry rather than a "job" and it is so special to be able to make a difference in people's lives every single day. Unfortunately, I had to be there at 8AM which was EARLY (I actually got there at 8:15, but the first part was a "social" before the break-out sessions). I was there until about 10:45 since I did a little "visiting" before I left.

On the way home, I saw a sign sticking out of the top of a snow pile advertising a day care that was open 24/7 in a neighborhood near my house. I was driving so couldn't write down the information, but was able to look it up when I got home. I decided that was a "sign" to search for day care options since I DID get my foster parent license two weeks ago. In my online search, I found one that looked nice, but it wasn't really open 24/7 as advertised. I opted not to call the one with the sign because it looked like an in-home day care that was just opening...and, not that it sounded "sketchy", but looked like one that needed a bit more research than a phone call (plus, by the name, I wasn't so sure I'd find someone who spoke English as their first language, but you never know...) Much to MY surprise, I found that there is a 24-hour day care very close to me--as in, I drive by it during my 1.2 mile commute to work. Seriously, it is RIGHT down the street (okay, well, like 0.8 miles away, but that's pretty much like right down the street!) Since I wasn't doing anything, I stopped by there this afternoon and talked to the owner for quite a while. The director was out on her lunch break, but BOTH of them are foster parents and there are a number of foster children who are cared for at the center. I probably should stop by there when it isn't nap time, but I am still having trouble believing that a place like this is right in my backyard. Either it is "too good to be true" or it is the answer to the question of "How will it work to take a foster child when I work odd hours?" (Of course, one of the things I need to do during my "spare time" the next few days is get my home in order now that it seems day care may not be an issue...I'm trying not to be frightened by the fact that my phone really could ring at any time and a decision will have to be made about my willingness/ability to fulfill the need...)

From there, I went to pick up my laptop. I had quite the discussion with the technician there at the prompting of my brother-in-law. Since my computer would NOT turn on when I brought it in, I agreed to pay $99 for data recovery. They replaced the mother board, but said that Windows needed to be re-installed which would be a $150 charge since that is not under warranty. My brother-in-law said that is a process that shouldn't even be considered "work" let alone be that huge of a charge. Well, my computer was VERY slow to start up and I really questioned how I was supposed to bring a computer home from "being fixed" that won't start up? Eventually it did seem to start working and I brought it home with no charge. They will keep the recovered data for 2 weeks, but I should be able to recover my own files (or get my brother-in-law to help--he said he will re-install Windows for me if that is necessary, but now it looks like it is working and they were going to charge $150 for something that doesn't appear to be broken...nice...)

Although I should have gone to work out, I got the fast food I have been craving and went home (I didn't eat a big breakfast, so figured that was okay...kind of ruined that rationalization with the dinner I ate, but that was later...ha!) I started backing up my files and doing a few other things on the computer and got very sleepy, so had to take a nap before I went out for the evening (it ended up being a 5:45 start rather than a 5:00 start...ha!)

The friend I made plans with for tonight has two kids that she and her husband adopted from foster care using the same agency I am licensed through. So, she will be able to answer questions and has offered to help with respite-type care (which is nice considering I have a number of vacations in the works!) To put it as kindly as possible, she is nice, but I couldn't imagine hanging out with her all the time...although we DID have a fun time. We went bowling and I didn't realize HOW much less relaxing it is to bowl with a four and five-year-old than it is when you go with your girlfriends/family. It seemed like the 10 frames went on FOREVER and there is no way we could have done a second game! I did bowl a 137 which I thought was pretty sweet considering it has been years since I bowled (my mom, dad, and sister bowl in a league, but I have never been asked to participate in that...) We went out for pizza and the kids were pretty crazy and that was not so much fun (making me re-think the whole being a single mom idea, but I can always pray for patience...ha!) After the kids were asleep, we watched a movie (Confessions of a Shopaholic). It was cute. I don't watch movies very often because I tend to fall asleep...she talked quite a bit, especially during the first half which kind of annoyed me, but I guess that helped keep me awake!

Now it is nearing 2AM, but at least I don't have to be anywhere in the morning. However, I probably shouldn't have gotten on such an "off" schedule considering next week could be crazy (Tuesday's work thing isn't until 3:30, but I do have a morning appointment and Wednesday's work thing isn't until 1:30, but I think I have something in the morning too)

Good night.

Day "Off"

So, I suppose if you believe that I work three days a week, then "technically" today was one of my "days off". However, I spent nearly seven hours at the hospital today, so it wasn't exactly a relaxing one. The day started with a mandatory nursing forum. It went from 8-9:15, so I didn't even really get to sleep in! It was an informative and motivating forum, but it was still early and brought me to work on a day off (it is pretty much impossible to leave the floor for an hour, especially with the patients we have...heck, taking a 30 minute lunch break can put you behind!) I had a little bit of down time before the next meeting which went from 10:30-noon. It was a good meeting except I got some "feedback" about the meeting I led last week. I admit to being defensive and not really accepting of the attempt for "constructive criticism", but it is REALLY frustrating that I have spent so much time explaining how that group is supposed to work and people still don't "get" it. It's hard to explain without giving too much information, but I feel like I have a good grasp on how the structure is supposed to work and am able to get through a massive amount of information in two hours every month...so, having people question the way I do things is more than a little frustrating.

So, I COULD have gone home a little after noon (after I vented a little about this to a nurse who used to work on my floor, but now is in a different position). However, I wanted to nominate my manager for the hospital's annual award for excellence in leadership. I knew it would take me a while to complete the nomination and it was only on the Intranet, so I couldn't do it at home. I also would not have time to do it while I was at work, and it wasn't in a format that I could save and come back to later. That ended up taking me even longer than I thought, but I did get some feedback as I went along. It was nearly 3:00 by the time I headed for home, but it was really important for me to do this for her. Even if she doesn't win the award, I am sure the nomination will be seen by people who need to know what a great job she is doing.

I took a couple hour nap before I went to choir practice. I got a coffee on the way which is probably why I am still awake at nearly midnight!

I "skimmed" through the post I wrote on Monday and it isn't quite as crazy as I thought it was. "Talking it out" was helpful, and I think a "take two" will be necessary at some point, but not tonight. I do, however, want to share a quote that the Spiritual Director shared with me. I talked about faith, prayer and religion and how I felt like I have a "disconnect" because I only speak about those things in "certain company". "Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words."~Francis of Assisi I like that, and am glad she thought to share that with me at that moment...I think it will be really good to meet with her :o)

These other quotes arrived in my "inbox" this past week and I think they are worth "documenting" as well.
"It is not a question of whether you 'have what it takes,' but of whether you take the gifts you have - they are plenteous - and share them with all the world." ~Neale Donald Walsch

"Go out into the world where your heart calls you. The blessings will come, I promise you that. I wish for you the insight to recognize the blessings as such, and sometimes it's hard. But you'll know it's a blessing if you are enriched and transformed by the experience. So be ready. There are great souls and teachers everywhere. It's your job to recognize them." ~Sy Montgomery

Another early morning since I have to be at my "alma mater" at 8:00 before talking to the sophomores who want to learn about being a nurse. This will be the fourth year I have talked at "Sophomore Career Day" and it's always fun :o) Tomorrow evening, I am meeting a friend for dinner/movies...there is a lot more I want to write about this, but I can't think of a tactful way of saying how I feel about this being my "Friday night plans". So, it will be fun...once I get myself there...

Good night.

Shoes Off, Feet Up

I could NOT get my shoes off and my feet up fast enough today! It was a CRAZY day! I did get lunch at a decent hour, but I ran my butt off ALL day long! There were only a couple times when I could sit for five minutes and breathe. It was just nuts (of course, I suppose, there isn't REALLY a comparison between my day and this one I read about here, but that's SORT OF "apples and oranges", right?!) My feet and legs are actually still pretty achy. Good thing I am pretty "physically fit" or it would have been very bad! I didn't clock out until 8:00, and the nurse who was working with me didn't get home until nearly 9 (she has a longer drive, but was probably there until 8:30). That is a crazy long day! I was going to stop and get some fast food on the way home, but decided I could wait until tomorrow for that and made myself some macaroni and cheese (I seem to eat that a lot, but tonight I did actually eat an orange too!) and drank a Woodchuck while I watched TV with my feet on the table. I thought about taking a bath, but it's been a while since I actually CLEANED the bathtub...if I had a whirlpool tub, I'd have gone there even BEFORE making my mac and cheese!

I still need to finish my post from Monday, but that isn't going to happen tonight. It's getting late and I have to go to a mandatory forum at work from 8-9 and then have a meeting from 10:30-noon (and then I'm thinking it will be nap time!)
Good night.

Not Quite Rational

I knew when I was writing last night's post that there would need to at least be a "talking it out take two" post because although I was emotional and tired (or BECAUSE I was emotional and tired) I knew I wasn't quite rational. I was hoping I could write "take two" tonight because it would be nice to read through my words and point out things that I wrote that in my heart I know are not true, but honestly, I am too tired to do that. My eyes and head hurt, I feel kind of sick to my stomach (my choice of dinner foods wasn't very bright!) and I'm about to fall asleep while I type. So, I know that when I started writing last night, I was on the right track, but I ended up going a little crazy. I know that I need to "talk it out" and "talking it out" definitely helps :o)

Back to work tomorrow, but first I'm going to get some sleep.
Good night.

Drippy, Sneezy, Cough-y

As someone who "never gets sick", these symptoms have been rather annoying. I think the "drippiness" started last week, if not even earlier. I actually nearly "tweeted" one day that I was trying to convince myself that an occasionally drippy nose was MUCH less annoying than a full-blown cold. While I did NOT actually "tweet" that, I do actually still believe that to be true...even though the "drippiness" is a bit more frequent now and also accompanied by sneezing and coughing. By early afternoon at work yesterday, my head was starting to hurt and I was overcome with fatigue. The end of my twelve+ hours couldn't come soon enough (I did have nice patients which was a blessing for sure and did get out pretty much on time.) I quickly made some macaroni and cheese and watched my DVR of Medium as my head continued to throb. I was in bed by 10:00 and slept like a rock (well, until I finally had to get up at a little after 6:00 for work today).

Today I was also met with afternoon fatigue, but I think that was more job-related than anything. I set-out to cure my fatigue with a walk to the hospital store for some Diet Coke, Hot Tamales, and Sun Chips. I brought a cute little patient with me on my walk. He just came last week and it makes me smile because his face seems to light up when I talk to him (he's 11 and it's just super cute!) I also visited another patient who had made a thank you note for "Nurse Amanda" using the gel pens and stickers I gave her for her birthday (apparently, when she was getting moved from the ICU to the floor, her mom was telling her the good things about getting a new room, and she chimed in that "Nurse Amanda" is there...SO sweet!) It's also nice that when I was leaving yesterday and responded "yes" to a patient's mom's question if I worked again today and she said "yay!" Hmm, sounds like I had a good day DESPITE the dripping, sneezing, and coughing!

After work, I went to dinner with one of my co-workers. Her husband was out-of-town and she didn't know what she was going to do. I, of course, had nothing to do either. I said "let's go to a movie", but by 8:00, it would have had to be a LATE movie which would have been tough after a 12-hour shift, plus she works tomorrow. We went to dinner instead and ended up visiting until after 10:00. I "forced" her to work with me on Wednesday and today...she did put on my facebook once that she "hearts" working with me...so, there you go ;o)

Tomorrow, I think I am going to go to a movie with a friend and am making plans for coffee with another friend and lunch with yet ANOTHER friend. Monday I am having lunch with my dad since he is off for Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Busy, busy!

Well, I better head to bed since sleep, fluids, and time are the only things I can think of to get rid of the drips, sneezes, and coughs.

And, even though my last post was about "fires" and candles, I have banned myself from lighting any real ones for a while after waking up yesterday morning to find a candle burning on my stove. I guess "horrified" is a pretty good word (oh, and grateful that nothing bad happened...the city has already seen more fires this week than have been seen in quite some time and I do NOT need to add to that statistic!)

Ever since I found this blog the other night after hearing about the earthquake in Haiti, I have been reading the words of this nurse who is there. The orphanage/hospital where she is was not damaged, but it is heartbreaking to read her stories. But, this post has hopeful news and some happy news, including the fact that a number of children were able to be transported to their adoptive homes sooner that expected which will end up making room for children who are orphaned from the earthquake. I can't even imagine...

Good night.

Tired AND Cold

On days that I work, my alarm goes off at 5:30. I usually "snooze" until at least 6...and on nice weather days I have pushed the limits to see how late I can leave and still be on-time for a 7:00 start (6:45 is cutting it close, but I haven't ever clocked in late...oh how much I love living close to work!)

The forecast last night said "snow by sunrise"...I had no clue if that meant I'd be shoveling before work or not...pretty vague forecast if you ask me!

So, my alarm went off at 5:30, I took a peek outside, saw my driveway was dry, and went back to sleep. At 6:00, I took another peek. Still no snow, so I got ready as usual, and while I SHOULD have left early "just in case", it was pretty close to 6:40 when I opened the garage and discovered it had started snowing...oops!

My short drive to work was fine, but I wasn't that excited about the drive home since the forecast was that it would snow all day. And snow all day it did! Today was SUPER slow and 12 1/2 hours felt like FOREVER! Of course, I would never say the words "bored" or "boring" because I'd rather not go into super crazy busy mode, but it being that slow made it even harder to stay awake and focused. Plus, knowing it was cold and snowy REALLY made me wish I was at home in bed or snuggled up with a blanket on the couch!

The shift FINALLY ended and the roads weren't nearly as bad as I thought they were going to be (of course, it IS only a 1.2 drive without any bridges, overpasses, or highways...ha!) I actually even made it up and into my garage without having to get out to shovel first. This turned out to be extra good because it was COLD out there! At the time, I think it was 9 degrees with a windchill of -11, so I came inside to "layer up" before going out to shovel. Brrr... So, I took a nice hot shower, put on some warm clothes, and am heating up my bedroom with a space heater while I "blog" and get ready for bed :o)

Tomorrow the forecast is for a high of 5 (with a low of -15...and that does NOT include "wind chill"). But, that has NOTHING on Friday where the forecast is for a HIGH of -4..."arctic blast" indeed (again, that does not take into account the "wind chill factor"!)

Something tells me it isn't going to be easy to get out of my warm bed in the morning, so I'd better go get some sleep.
Good night.

All I wanna do...

is sleep.

This could prove to be a problem tomorrow when I have to go back to work. I haven't worked since Friday, so I really shouldn't complain. I mean, four days off is "pretty sweet". There were so many things I wanted to get done these four days and only a couple of them actually got done. I'm kind of disappointed in myself for that...not necessarily for the fact that my house is a mess and I haven't put away laundry or the dishes I actually did do, but things like mailing my "Christmas cards", visiting my former piano and Latin teachers who are 98 and 88 years old, reading for fun, and responding to emails from friends. Those things really aren't things that should be "put off until tomorrow"...and yet, that's exactly what I did. It's cold, there is more snow predicted for tomorrow, and it's January, so maybe I should cut myself some slack...or maybe I need to get to the bottom of why I can't even seem to get myself to do the things I WANT to do... I suppose I DID go to lunch with my grandma and cousins yesterday, worked out at Curves both yesterday and today, and helped with an alum event at my high school and attended the basketball game. I also put a couple pictures in frames and put away what little Christmas decorations I had gotten out. So, I guess I didn't actually sit on the couch for four days straight...

Back to work tomorrow and if I'm going to have to shovel before I can leave, I'd better make sure I get some good sleep...make the most of what sleep I will get anyway (I'm sure it won't feel like NEAR enough!)
Good night.

Another Year

I wanted to do a really cool New Year's post and even made a movie/slide show of pictures from the year set to music. But, that is stuck on my lap top that still will not go past the black screen. I am trying not to be sad about it, still hopeful that it will be fixed. If I think too hard, it will make me sick because this will be the third time I have lost "everything" (on my computer that is) I have some files backed up, but not nearly everything. I guess I can post the year-in-review movie when my computer is back up and running.

I worked for 13 hours today and it was busy. So, I'm not feeling much like partying. I am going to a friend's house for pizza and then hoping to meet up with another friend for champagne (maybe at East Coast Midnight since I work again in the morning).

2009 was a good year, a very good year actually. Looking forward to all the blessings God has in store for me in 2010.

Well, I'd better go pick up the pizza while it's hot.
Happy New Year!

B.O.R.E.D.

So, I really shouldn't say that word because I do have a sink full of dishes, laundry to put away, Christmas cards to send, thank you notes to write, and some gifts to wrap...but, I definitely sat on my couch from the time I got out of bed (after 10:00 which means I slept for over 10 hours for the second night in a row) until now...except for a trip to my high school to catch 3/4 of a basketball game and a stop at the store for some ice melt. I spent all day on the couch logged into facebook and watching television. I even made a facebook group for my high school class that I have thought about doing for a long time. Oh yeah, maybe I should have done paperwork for my work committee that I'm over three months behind on. My "to do" list is a mile long, but I decided to do "nothing". I did take the garbage to the curb which is something I did NOT do last week on the night before garbage day (which means it wasn't REALLY "optional" this week since two weeks worth of garbage in the kitchen is pretty nasty, especially since I actually cooked a couple times during the past two weeks.) Even with all the couch sitting (I did actually sit on my piano bench for a while and practiced my music...what talent I did have seems to be coming back and I am enjoying having the piano here) I'm still hoping that I get a 5 AM phone call asking if I want the day off work tomorrow. I should be near the top, if not AT the top, of the list since I have turned it down the last couple of times they have asked. I have coupons for Carter's, things to exchange at Kohl's, and more basketball games to attend...in addition to the things that were on my "to do" list for today (you know, the ones I decided NOT "to do") Well, I suppose I should head to bed just in case I do actually have to go to work tomorrow...even if I fall asleep in the next five minutes, I will be getting much less than the 10+ I have needed recently...of course, maybe being a couch potato all day is a substitute for a couple hours of sleep...maybe.

I read a couple chapters of the next book for the "Bloom" book club last night and was excited to find out that it is set in the town where I went to college...I think it will be a good book and I "may" actually participate in the discussions this time...
Good night.

Catching Up

I think I slept for more than 10 hours last night and then took just over a 3 hour nap this afternoon (after I got up and went to church). I could have slept all night long, but we were having our family Christmas this evening (it was supposed to be this afternoon, but my sister and brother-in-law were gracious enough to alter their plans and go to a movie while I was sleeping instead of going to one tonight). I paid someone my parents know from church $40 to clear my driveway tonight, so hopefully tomorrow I will be able to leave my house in my own car if I want. I am so grateful to have family and friends that were willing to chauffeur me everywhere I needed to go (mostly work!) the past four days, but it will be nice to become independent again. My house is a complete disaster since I have hardly been here. I need to thoroughly clean the kitchen floor after my coffee spill last week. I need to spot clean and vacuum the carpet in the living room after all the snow-covered shoes that have walked on it. I'm fairly certain I have clothes in the dryer (hopefully none in the washer!) I'm about to head to bed since I'm STILL tired even after all that sleep. I have tomorrow off, so hopefully I can catch up on some of those things that need to be done since I work on Tuesday (two days off after last week doesn't feel like enough...so, if I am offered the day off, I may take it!)

That's it...still tired, but not nearly as crabby (everyone is happy about that!)
Good night!