Not Home

It feels like I am never at home...and, when I look at my calendar from the past week, it's not just a feeling, it's the TRUTH! Last week, I worked 12-hour shifts on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. Tuesday I had training, tests, and a meeting (six hours at work) and Thursday I had a seven-hour CPR class. That means that Friday and today were my only days "off" out of the last eight. And, both days I ran around like crazy (darn it, I just realized I didn't stop at the grocery store today to get milk...boo!) Friday, I went from one thing to another and only managed to get a few things done here at home. Today, I went to Mass, then visited with my family for a while. I was home for long enough to put away dishes, throw in a load of wash, rake away the leaves so I could see the tulips that are starting to come up, and toss a few papers. Then, I went with my mom and their neighbors to see a Cirque du Soleil show (my dad was supposed to go, but he had his fantasy baseball draft so I got to go) and then to dinner. Now, it's nearly 11:00 and I work the next three days (unless I get "forced" to stay home one of them). And, I AM an "uber" procrastinator, but every time I HAVE been home, I just want to sit on the couch with my computer and the TV...even though it freaks me out a bit that my house is in this condition and I could be sharing it with a small person literally ANY day now.

Anyway, that's what's been going on here...I tried to get some pictures with my nephew, but he isn't nearly as smiley for pictures these days. I can't believe he's nine months old!

Also, I love listening to this song on my iPod (I think she has an amazing voice that just feels like a prayer...if that makes sense...I just love it) and I haven't found a good version on YouTube. One version was taped live and has lyrics that are a little "off" and another has some pictures with the song which are "okay" (I'd rather have the lyrics) but at least it is an actual recording of the song...

Hopefully I'm not too tired when I get off work tomorrow because I DO need to make a point of picking up a few things every day (my couch is covered in "things") in order to get my house in order before the weekend. I don't know how much family is coming into town, but I suppose there is a possibility that someone would want to stay here...

I'm definitely looking forward to my four days off (after my three days of work) and THEN, I realized that next week, my shifts are Monday-Saturday-Sunday, so I have most of the week days to "do as I wish" :o)

Good night.

I Had a Hunch

It's been a busy couple of days and I head back to work tomorrow, but felt the need to write a few words before going to bed.

With as much fun as I had at work on Sunday and Monday, I had a hunch things would be changing. It had been a really long time since I had to take care of a full patient load. I think my student was with me for three weeks and we had relatively easy patients, and sometimes not even a full load because our census was so low. I'm not sure what it was about Wednesday because it really SHOULDN'T have been that bad, but it was almost like my first day and it was not good at all. I'm not sure what happened, but early in the afternoon, I completely melted down and just started crying. I was on the phone with the pharmacist frustrated because a particular medication was delivered differently. I had had a mis-communication with the nursing assistant and she had NOT been helping me watch my post-op patient's elevated blood pressure. I was late giving meds and of COURSE that's when my computer froze and I had to call IT to get it working again before I could give them. I didn't get to sit down for lunch which could have been part of the problem, but I'm not sure why my tolerance level was so low. People tried to help, but I was so stressed out that I couldn't even figure out what would be helpful. It has been a while since I felt so overwhelmed and emotional at work, but that doesn't make it any better. Looking back, what I needed to do was step away a little sooner and "regroup" with a plan of action for my list of tasks. Thankfully, it was a brief meltdown because I knew there was work to be done...and I was able to "delegate" a few tasks (and felt much better once I realized my patient had not continued to have an elevated blood pressure after having brain surgery...good thing!) Tomorrow, my "favorite" charge nurse comes back after being on maternity leave. I'm glad I got my meltdown out of the way because she won't be able to deal with that kind of stuff on her first day back...ha!

I also had a hunch that I would get another call about a kid yesterday. So, I was not surprised to see a missed call from the agency during my CPR class yesterday. I listened to the message during my break and called my dad, but did not return her call until after class was over (I was rather distracted for the remainder of class, but still managed to pass the test even with missing four questions.) The call was actually for a thirteen-year-old girl. From the information that was given to me on my voice mail, it sounded like the kind of teenager I would be willing to take. When I got the call, they actually didn't think there would be any family to be found and it could become a foster-to-adopt situation (sad!) However, they were able to locate family, so I didn't end up having to make a "decision". I did find out today that this caseworker is new and doesn't do the "matching" of kids to foster parents as well as some of the others. She also doesn't know me as well. So, I was reminded that it is okay to say "no", and that I SHOULD say no if I don't feel comfortable with the situation. I do think that this call was worth asking me about, though, especially since when I checked with my dad, he reminded me that he has coached hundreds of thirteen-year-old girls, so definitely is familiar with them and their "special needs" :o) I don't have a "hunch" as to when I will get my next call, but I work tomorrow, then Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. And then my family will be getting together for the Easter weekend, so I will have many things to consider if I get a call within the next week.

I went clothes shopping for myself for the first time in a long time (been to Carter's LOTS, but don't think I had been to Fashion Bug in 2010!) I brought a coupon ($15 off $40) and a $10 rebate. I purchased a short-sleeved t-shirt, a velour pants/jacket set (purple), a light zip-up hoodie (pink), a pair of jeans (exactly like a pair I have and love), two pairs of jean capris, and this jacket:

I just realized that they tied the belt in a knot. That looks much quicker because the belt is rather long! Anyway, the amount put on my credit card was just over $96...for ALL of that! Plus, I got two coupons for $20 off $50 and will get a $10 rebate once I spend four more dollars. Awesome! As an added bonus, I have gotten many compliments on the jacket (it is no longer available online) so I'm feeling like I may actually have some fashion sense!

Today I had planned to clear off my table/couch (you know, what I have been saying I was going to do for HOW many months?!) But, that did not happen...shocking, I know! However, I did do some laundry and some dishes. And, I did put pictures into two collage frames I bought. I went to the Passion play at my elementary school (I thought it was going to be Stations of the Cross, but apparently I didn't read the bulletin this week!) I went to the agency and turned in all the paperwork to renew my foster parent license (yes, I just got it in January, but there have been "issues"...I'm "rolling with it" :o) ). From there, I met up with some people from church at a fish fry. Unfortunately, we didn't have our numbers straight and didn't manage to save enough seats for all of us. I think everyone still had fun (and I "organized" the gathering, so yay!!) We decided we should get together more frequently, which would be great. Since we met early and they all have young children, we were done in time for me to make it to a 7:30 play at my high school. I wasn't sure I'd be able to go, but am glad I did (although it made for a very busy day!) I sat next to the 8th grade daughter of my high school religion teacher and she was really sweet. She and I just gabbed away like we had known each other forever...I love kids! When I was in high school, I had a dream that this teacher was pregnant and had a daughter they named Lily. She found out she was pregnant when she went home that night. They had daughters named "Rose" and "Hannah", so her husband said they could not do Lily because then Hannah would be the only "non-flower" (they named her Maggie instead and did go on to have two more children, so they really COULD have named her Lily...ha!) I didn't realize that this was a story that had been shared in the family, but I think it's really cool that her daughters know about that! (Good thing ALL of my dreams don't come true, but this one was a fun one :o) Case in point--the other night, I had a dream that my mom was using the shop vac in their bedroom because the floor had separated from the front of the house and you could see their front lawn...craziness!)

Busy couple of days and now it's getting late, so I'd better wrap this up and head to bed!
Good night!

P.S. Tonight, I randomly remembered the TV Show Just the Ten of Us. I need to do a bit of research to remember more about that show...

Four is Fun

I posted that on my fb page yesterday and apparently I'm not the only one who thinks four-year-olds are fun because I got a couple comments confirming that :o) I worked yesterday and the day before and they were REALLY good days. I'm so thankful to have had them because I have another student working with me starting next week and things are a lot different when I'm in "teacher mode" (plus, there isn't much of a chance that this student will be as good as my last one...she's got some tough shoes to fill!) I had the pleasure of taking care of an adorable four-year-old. Okay, so she's super sassy, but also could be super sweet. She was my shadow (and my super special helper) for two days, which worked out fine since I wasn't busy with my other patients. However, I'm not sure if her future nurses will appreciate the fact that I spent the bulk of my days hanging out with her (she kept asking "but who's going to BE with me?!" and since I WASN'T that busy, I decided to be the one who was going to "be" with her :o) ) I let her scan her own medications and arm band which she loved (again, not so sure what her future nurses will think, but oh well...ha!) She showed me her "walk" for an upcoming pageant, told me stories and put an IV in her doll. I should point out that playing with the pediatric patients isn't something that happens all that often for nurses working on a pediatric unit, but it is SO much fun when it does :o) Now, I may need to "steer clear" of being her nurse because she's going to expect me to be her "friend"...or it will be good practice at "limit-setting"...ha ha! I definitely think four-year-olds are fun...and it would be hard to say "no" to the placement of a four-year-old girl at this point :o)

However, this is a pretty crazy week. I worked Sunday and Monday. I work tomorrow and Saturday. Today, I had training from 11:30-1, testing from 1-3, and a meeting from 3:30-5--all at work (so much for a day "off", right?!) Thursday, I have CPR from 8-noon (I need to some how to a pre-test on the computer before then and today I was all trained/tested out) I seriously need to spend some time on making my home ready for someone else to share it with me, but unfortunately, I think it may take a "visitor" or a "guest" to make that actually happen...too bad I'm not "nesting"...ha! That would be nice!

Well, I'm watching my DVR of The Biggest Loser, then maybe I can do a few things before heading to bed.
Good night.

All In The Family

Picture post :o) Last night, I went to a fundraiser at my church. I sat at a table with my parents and some people I have known since elementary school. I knew it would be fun since my church family has been "mine" for over 25 years. I know that is special and lately I have been pretty emotional thinking about how much of a blessing that is. I have known so many of those people for a LONG time (and thankfully it's okay that they know what I was like during all those years!) I knew last night would be fun, and I wasn't excited to have to work today, but I didn't realize
QUITE how much fun it would be! It was SO hard to leave (I say that I'm not a dancer, but after a few glasses of wine, well, dance away...ha!) Even though I left in time to be in bed by 11ish, I was much too awake to go to sleep. I made it through the day with snacks and extra caffeine (so, I'm not really that tired right now...vicious cycle...ha!)

Work was pretty slow today, but didn't drag along which was good. I only had two patients and they were both super cute :o) I feel like I did very well with the bored, occasionally whiny, always sassy, four-year-old which made me think that could be a fun age for a foster child (also challenging, right Foster Ima?!) No calls yet this week (ha, it's Sunday!) but this is a super busy week, so I'm not sure WHAT I would do if becoming a mom for the first time was thrown into the mix!

So much for a short post...here's a picture of me with my nephew from last Sunday and pictures of me with my parents from last night.

Better head to bed. Good night :o)

I Cleaned My Bathroom

I am now the "proud owner" of a clean bathroom (okay, so I didn't scrub the walls or the bathtub or dust...) It smells so nice in there...kind of makes me wonder why it took so long for me to do it! I also did two loads of laundry (and put SOME of it away) and unloaded the dishwasher. I tried not to freeze since it decided to snow and I opened my windows yesterday (had to shut them this morning and crank up the heat this afternoon because I was SO cold!) I watched a lot of basketball. I wore these slippers I bought that have little dusters on them around the kitchen and rubbed out all the water spots. I went to evening Mass/Stations of the Cross. I stared at my computer a lot. I played my piano. I may shred some papers before I go to bed since there are still basketball games on. I listened to music and bought some new music. For some reason, I was reminded of this song last night and have listened to it half a dozen or so times since then. I've heard it sung at weddings, but it's kind of a Lenten/Easter song as well.



I have to go with my parents' neighbors to the airport and drive a mini-van home. I am not used to driving vehicles like that and am not exactly sure about driving other people's cars, but at least the airport isn't that far away. I'm going to a fundraiser at my church tomorrow night. I was going to wear a dress, but it is very cold, so I don't know what I will do. I'm contemplating having someone do my hair and make-up, but I guess if I do my own, then I will have more money to spend on things like create your own ice cream flavor :o)

That was my day. Not QUITE as productive as it could have been, but I think I'll use the fact that half the time I was frozen to the couch wrapped in a blanket too cold to move ;o)

Good night!

It Takes All Sorts

So, I'm glad that this blog is "anonymous" because then I can share some work stories (with some discretion of course now that I know how strict the privacy laws are!)

I've been SO bored at work the past couple weeks because our census has been low and I had an awesome student who took care of our patients pretty much independently. Typically, we have three patients on the day shift, but it had been a long time since we had any patients that were very sick, and many times only had two patients. So, I was kind of ASKING for a busy day...and, I was "busier", that's for sure...but more for social/support reasons than sick patient. Which made for quite the interesting day!

One of the moms had a gold tooth with a cross on it and wore pajamas all day long. She was the most "normal" of the three. Another mom came out to the desk to tell me that her child was about to throw up...I'm thinking maybe you should make sure your child has a bucket and maybe hold the hand or something of that matter, but whatever. That mom also brought her child to the desk to say she wanted me to look at her kid's butt...and came to find me when she wanted me to dump the stool and insisted on special butt cream that took hours to make and asked me just about every 15 minutes if it was ready. Her mom sat right in front of the table I needed to use and not once made an attempt to move even though I used the table every single time I came into the room. (Sorry if this sounds like they were being "normal", but I assure you that they were annoying when they came to "find" me for this and that and the other thing and told me what to do.) And, I heard the third mom on the phone saying they were going to take the cable box to the pawn shop so the dad could get gas in their vehicle and come to the hospital. She later asked me if I knew anything about "IUD's" to which my response was "um, no". She preceded to tell me that she had her IUD removed on Friday, but didn't get any other birth control and she and the baby's dad had "you know" and now she was feeling "bloated" and hoping she wasn't pregnant. And, yes, earlier she had asked for hospital pants because she had started her period...ai yi yi... I'm not exactly sure WHAT she wanted me to do with that information--not like I could tell her if she was or was not pregnant, or what to do about the fact she had seven children and didn't really want any more... It takes all sorts, people, it takes all sorts...and at least all of those moms really care about their kids and are doing their best...it just made for the non-boring day that I wanted :o) However, I WAS happy I didn't have to go back to work today because two of the three really had me spinning!

I did actually have a meeting this morning from 10:30-12:30 which got me up earlier, but it was REALLY nice today and would have been nice to have the whole day off. I ended up spending a little time sitting outside reading a book, but not nearly as much time as I had planned (to be honest, I'm not exactly sure what I did with my time between 12:30 and 2:00!) This afternoon, I met with my spiritual director and told her all about the events of the past month (it was a busy month!)

After I left, I noticed a missed call from my caseworker. She left two questions in my voice mail. She wanted to know how many bedrooms I had, and what schools my day care will transport kids to. When I called her back, she didn't give me much more information other than she had a call for siblings who needed to have separate bedrooms. Well, my other "guest room" is SUPPOSED to be an office/scrapbook room, but it basically a room with a lot of stuff that would not be able to become a bedroom any time in the near future. I didn't know the schools off hand, but sent her an email when I got home. Weird thing is, though, that the day care doesn't transport to the school down the street from me or to the one across the street from my parents. I should check to see what that's all about. She said that the younger kids go a lot faster, so I think I need to change my thinking and figure out my thoughts on that. I guess I didn't REALLY have an idea of how this becoming a foster mom thing was going to go, but I've had the idea of being a mom to a little girl since I WAS a little girl...however, I need to continue to trust that God has a plan, and be open to the fact that my time to be a "mom to a little girl"will come when/if it is supposed to...

My house is still not ready for someone else to share it with me, though, so I NEED to work on that tomorrow since the calls keep coming! Crazy that I was going to be watching a 5-month-old today, tomorrow, and Saturday...I wonder if I would have had a clean house if I knew I HAD to have a clean house!

I probably should make a "to-do list" to try and keep me focused tomorrow since I have NO plans (and no plans really isn't such a good thing for this super procrastinator!)

I decided to start the countdowns for my two upcoming trips...I'm SO excited!
Well, I'd better get to bed since I have "big plans" for tomorrow :o)
Good night.

Children's Museum

So, I had this idea that since I work three days a week, I would be able to take "my" kids out of the house on my days off to places like the park, the zoo, and yes, the Children's Museum. After today, I'm not so sure! I went to the Children's Museum this afternoon with a friend, her two kids, and one of their friends. So, three kids and two adults. Sounds good, right?! Well, maybe it would have been okay had I been there alone with my one child, but that's not how it was. Her kids are a bit, um, rambunctious...or, maybe they are just "kids"?! She and her husband adopted both of them from foster care, but they got them as infants, so it's hard to tell nature vs. nurture. Anyway, I realized that the Children's Museum is not an easy place to take your children...

As soon as we got our hands stamped, the three children took off running full force...and one of her kids plowed RIGHT over another (smaller) child. My friend did retrieve her child and took him to apologize, but still, that wasn't a great way to begin. Then, we were in this grocery store area where they encourage the children to put away the groceries/carts/baskets when they were done. Of course it's mostly the parents doing that, and of course there were only two carts which is potential for trouble. There were a few meltdowns in the "grocery store" before we headed to the construction exhibit. This area was pretty spread out with a number of things for kids to do, but of COURSE there were things that "everyone" wanted to do which required taking turns and sharing...

This is where I'm thinking that the Children's Museum is not a place to take a child I don't know very well. It's hard enough to parent your child and have them share and take turns, but when your child is trying to work with other children whose parents may or may not be encouraging them to take turns and share...well, that's tough. And, if you have a child who really is determined NOT to share/take turns/watch out for other kids (especially smaller ones)...well, I guess that's when you leave... And, when do you decide whether or not to let the kids just work it out for themselves...and if YOU decide to let them, who's to say that the OTHER parents will agree with you... So, um, yeah, the Children's Museum is no longer at the top of my list of things to do if I have a child of museum-going age come to live with me.

Well, I forgot to DVR The Biggest Loser and I'm totally annoyed with myself. But, it's getting me to bed earlier than I anticipated, which is good since my student is no longer with me and I'll have to take care of my patients all by myself (I hope I can handle it!)

Good night.

I Needed That

I didn't cry yesterday. I didn't cry today either. I think (hope!) Aunt Flo is leaving...this visit was extremely unpleasant.

Anyway, I still didn't feel the greatest yesterday, so planned on a day of lounging around (yes, ANOTHER one...I seriously only worked 1 1/2 shifts last week...I will have a rude awakening this week!) I helped with the phonathon at my high school from 9-noon, then went to the bank and picked up my new contact. I started my plans for an afternoon of watching TV on the couch when a friend from work called. She was out and about with her daughter, but needed to go to work to take care of something and asked if I could come keep her company. So, I packed a fun bag and played with a four-year-old for a little over an hour :o) It was really nice (and a very good reason to get off the couch!) I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening just vegging out watching TV. I took a little nap and played some songs on my piano. Since I pretty much had enough TV, I went to bed a little early and decided to read for a while.

I am a HUGE fan of the show Medium (which changed networks and nights and has thrown me off, but I don't think I have missed an episode!) and watched Friday's show yesterday afternoon. I was reminded that I bought this book in a bargain bin a while back, but had never even really looked at it. Monarchs are "special" to me, especially when thinking about my teacher who passed away this week. So, it seemed like the perfect time to read "Secrets of the Monarch". I read less than 40 pages, but there was so much that spoke to me and I REALLY needed to read last night.

Here are a few points that stood out:
"...the monarch butterfly takes several generations to complete its journey north, only to turn around and fly back to where its great-grandparents came from...the monarch concept is that our individual lives are part of a bigger story involving our friends and our family..." (p. xiii, xv) [this goes on to point out that our lives are the way they are because of generations before us, and our lives now will affect those of the people to come...I also like the new show "Who do you think you are?" :o)] "We cant's live forever, but a part of us will remain through memories of us and will contineu to move our family and friends forward. Everyone has a path to walk that will help someone he or she loves to do more, be more, and learn more, so that person in turn can pass it on to future loved ones who will do the same, and so on....Remember, if you live well, you will die without regrets, and that is the key to being true to oneself and those we love." (p. xxi-xxii)

"Take a chance and make your time here memorable. Remember, taking risks is what legends are made of." (p. 27)

"So much can be learned from those who lived and died before us...I've learned to live in the moment, love with all you have, and don't let others design who you are. You be the artist of you." (p. 39)

The "tag-line" (I guess that's what it's called) is "What the dead can teach us about living a better life". Now, I'm not going to say whether or not I "believe" in "mediums", but I'm definitely looking forward to reading more of her perspective. And, I don't think picking up this book could have come at a more perfect time :o)

Well, it's 30 minutes to "bed time" so I should say good night so I can read some more. I spent today with my sister getting my hair done (colored and cut...I'll post pictures when I can, but the color doesn't really show up that well unless I'm in a certain light). This evening, I volunteered again for the fundraiser at my high school. I realized today that I have something going on every single night for the next three weeks...crazy! Guess that means maybe I'm NOT ready for a child to be placed in my home?! Not sure...we shall see!

Good night.

Something More?

I am ready for this week to be over. I have had a hard time turning off the tears, my head (especially just behind my eyes and forehead) still aches intermittently, and I am just "not right". I ended up working until about 2:00 today. I didn't cry at work, but after that, the tears just showed up and wouldn't leave. Yes, I went to a rosary of someone who is very dear to me. Yes, later I went to a Vigil service for her. However, I have a hard time believing that ALL those tears were about grieving the loss of an 87-year-old with a heart condition who led a beautiful and fulfilled life that I was able to have an amazing conversation with just two months ago. I mean, everyone grieves in their own way and a loss is still a loss no matter how long the person lived. However, something tells me there is more to the tears because I was unable to shake them, even when my concrete, in the moment, rational mind was telling them to stop.

I cried during the rosary. I cried during the first reading (Romans 8: 31-39). I cried during the Psalm (Psalm 119). I cried during the Gospel (Matthew 5: 1-12). I cried during the welcome and the reflection. I cried when I talked to people. I cried when I tried to listen to my own thoughts. It was not pretty. And, it was not a whole lot of fun.

I always cry during this song, so at least that was sort of "okay".

Suscipe
My God, I am Yours for time and eternity;
Lord, I am yours forever.
It's You that must teach me to trust in Your providence, Loving Lord.

You are a God of love and tenderness,
I put my faith in You.
And I ask that You grant me acceptance of Your plan, O Loving Lord.

Take from my heart all painful anxiety,
Let nothing sadden me but sin.
And let my delight be hoping to see Your face, God my all.

After the evening service, I spent some time talking to people I hadn't seen in a while, and to some I have seen recently. I "caught up with" a girl who graduated two years ahead of me. I remember her, but don't remember ever actually talking to her. Apparently, she had a baby during the winter of her Senior year and I totally don't remember that (and I thought I was in EVERYONE'S business!) Her daughter will start high school there in the fall and they are both really excited. It was really nice to visit with her and we decided to be "facebook friends" :o)

I managed to keep my tears in check during dinner/horse betting/pickle opening with my parents (probably because I don't have any left...I haven't been drinking very much water these days...ha!)

I really hope the sun comes out tomorrow...it has been a rainy (and snowy!), cloudy, and chilly week. There is mud everywhere and it just looks gloomy, so I guess I really shouldn't wonder why I feel so crummy! I'm ready for spring, but also VERY ready to have my "old self" back.

Sleep should help too. Time for bed. Good night.

Trust

This week has been tough. I have felt kind of "blah" with intermittent headaches, stomachaches, cramps, sore muscles/joints, fatigue. Not really sick, just not quite right. It's been cool and rainy and then today it snowed, and warmed enough to melt most of the snow. Plus, I've been extra emotional (yay hormones...Aunt Flo is making me pay for questioning her visit schedule...sorry for the TMI, but it has NOT been fun!) and also probably not drinking enough water. I just knew there had to be a reason those kids didn't come to stay with me last week...and now I know that the timing was not right.

Our census at the hospital has been really low, and we only have one person on maternity leave (but quite a few pregnant ones!) So, pretty much every day we have been over-staffed by at least one, if not two or three, nurses. My PTO accrues a little over one shift a month. The PTO is to be used for sick time, vacation time, and days you get called off due to extra staff. So, I try to say "no" when asked to stay home on slow/overstaffed days unless there is something I'd like to do and I'm scheduled to work (that isn't important enough to find someone to switch, but having the day off to do it would be "bonus"). However, since everyone is "in the same boat", if no one wants to take the day off, then someone gets forced to stay home (it's on a rotating basis by date of previous call-off day). I was "forced" to stay home on February 22, which ended up being okay since I was able to attend the visitation of an elementary school classmate. My date was getting to be the furthest back, so I knew my time was getting close.

I found out that my former teacher's rosary and visitation would be on Friday afternoon, with the funeral on Saturday morning. I was scheduled to work both today and tomorrow (Friday) and to help with a fundraiser at my high school on Saturday morning. So, I thought that my "best case scenario" was to work today, get called off tomorrow, and help with the fundraiser on Saturday as planned...

Last night, I was not very confident that was going to happen, but I said my prayers. I was SO tempted to tell Him exactly the way I thought things should work out, you know, my "best case scenario" sounded just PERFECT to me! However, since I am trying to make an extra effort to trust Him and His plans, I chose my words carefully. I told Him that it felt like it was important to attend her services on Friday, but I would (try really hard to) trust Him to decide if He agreed. I put in my "request" to Him to have someone else to take today off so I could get tomorrow off, but prayed for help in accepting whatever happened. It was REALLY hard to trust that He truly did know what was best (and already knew what the outcome would be), but I went to sleep (pretty much) at peace knowing that what was to be would be and I was going to be OKAY with whatever that was (promise!)

My phone rang at 5:00 this morning telling me that I was forced to stay home. I did put up a little fuss/whine with the charge nurse asking if she had "mentioned" to the other nurses that I wanted tomorrow off instead so I could go to a funeral...she hadn't, so I went back to sleep. I had some really bad work nightmares between that time and 8:30 when my mom stopped by on her way to work, so maybe it was good I DIDN'T go to work! It was then that I realized how crappy I felt, and I was really thankful that I wasn't trying to take care of sick people feeling like that. While my headache was still there when I rolled out of bed at 11:00, I decided it was time to move from the bed to the couch (after making a pot of coffee and some orange rolls!) Being able to sleep until I felt a little better was SO nice!

I received a phone call from my caseworker. Apparently, the respite care that was set up for next week will not work. I thought they would be back in town early Saturday afternoon, but they will not be back until the evening. I have plans to attend a fundraiser at my church which I have been very excited about (plus, the dinner cost more than what I would make doing respite care...not that it's about the money but it kind of is!) I was looking forward to having the experience of watching a baby overnight to see how that goes. But, I am trusting that He has a plan for this too. She also asked me about my willingness to take an older child. I said, like any child, it would depend on the situation and the timing, but I definitely wouldn't rule it out. She said that my name is "at the top of their list" and they are all trying hard to find a placement that will work for me (exciting, but also VERY scary!) In some ways, I think an older child would be easier, but in other ways, it would be harder...either way, it is going to be a learning experience, but also a great opportunity to make a huge difference in the life of a child.

Since EVERYONE has had to deal with the issue of a low census at work, I was hoping I would be able to find someone who wanted some extra hours that would be willing to work the second part of my shift tomorrow. With my second call, I found someone who already has to be at the hospital until 1:00 tomorrow, so she said she would come after that and work the rest of my shift for me! I was going to have a REALLY hard time calling in sick because I'm not sure that's what Sister would have wanted me to do. That also means that I will be able to help with the fund raising on Saturday (I KNOW she would have rather me help with that than attend her funeral, especially since I can do to the rosary/visitation!) Perfect!

My headache went away long enough to do a few things around the house (like clean the kitchen floors and vacuum the living room) which I had been putting off for way too long!

Then, since I was off, I was able to attend a special Mass recognizing altar servers. The choir was asked to sing, so I went. It was really nice. I think they said there were over 150 young people from around the city who were recognized for their service. We sang songs about service and answering God's call which really is perfect for where I am in my life right now.

This day did not turn out the way I had planned. This was not MY "best case scenario", but feeling like crap at work, missing the call from the caseworker, not being able to attend a special Mass...I definitely wouldn't have been happy with that! I suppose I wouldn't necessarily have known how different the day would have been and adjusted my attitude accordingly, but still, today was WAY better than I pictured! Believe me, I'm feeling rather "spoiled" that His plan was WAY better than what I could have imagined. However, I also think that just trusting that He knows what is right made a tremendous impact in my response to the situation.

So, tomorrow is another day...and I am sure there will continue to be times I have to remind myself to trust Him, because He's "pretty darn good" at knowing what is best for me :o)

Good night.

Fulfilled Life

I cried a lot today. It's been a while since I cried this much and I'm REALLY tired. However, I can't let this day go by without writing something...

I checked my email on my phone while I was at work this afternoon and found an email from the president of my high school. She wanted to let me know that my high school Latin teacher had passed away early this morning. I couldn't hold back the tears, and they have been coming on and off since then until I finally just decided to let it all out (hence the being REALLY tired right now!)

Yes, she was in her late 80s. Yes, she had been having heart problems. Yes, she lived a VERY fulfilled life, but hearing of her death still made me very sad. For months I talked about wanting to go see her and my piano teacher at the nursing home where they lived. For months I didn't make time, until I decided that I didn't want to wait too long and live with regrets. And so, on January 11, I went and visited. And what a terrific visit I had. I think that is part of why I am SO emotional about this...I am SO very grateful that I didn't miss that chance, that I was blessed with one more good conversation, that today I do not have regrets about not making time before it was too late.

During our visit, she gave me a little porcelain doll that now sits on a shelf in my living room. For sure I will treasure that.

Another picture from my visit--she is the one standing, the other Sister is ten years older!

I sent an email to my mom letting her know, and her response was "I, too, feel a deep loss with her passing". My dad's response was "She gets to meet the boss!"...to which I responded "maybe she will put in a good word for us!"

A fulfilled life for sure. Rest in Peace, Sister K. Thanks for all the wonderful memories.

"Each day is a step which we take toward Eternity and we shall continue thus from day to day until we take the last step bringing us into the Presence of God."
~Catherine McAuley

Who's the Social Butterfly?!

"Back in the day", my sister was the one with that title. She used to get in trouble for talking in class. She either had friends over or was at a friend's house. The "free spirit", the "social butterfly", the "second child deal". While I don't exactly remember what I was like in elementary school, I highly doubt that "social butterfly" was ever used to describe me. Going to an all-girls high school undoubtedly brought me out of my shell. Now, I can talk to pretty much anyone in pretty much any setting...and my sister is a total "homebody". Sure, I still enjoy my time at home, but boy when I get out of the house, watch out because I will talk your EAR off!

Yesterday morning (after a crazy dream that involved me yelling at my dad's 8th grade girls for not wearing tennis shoes to their game [sorry, ballet flats/flip-flops/crocs are not proper basketball game attire] and also had me getting a lecture for whispering to my sister about a fifth grade boy who used a pacifier during HIS game...ay yi yi!), I went to a class that is a requirement for anyone who volunteers with school or church kids. I thought my dad's team played yesterday afternoon, so I called after the class to make sure. My dad let me know that the game had been moved to earlier in the week, but he would LOVE it if I brought him a latte. I dropped off the latte and ended up talking to the mom working the front gate for well over an hour!! I had never met this woman but apparently we found a LOT to discuss! I also knew a couple who came in to see their niece play and I talked to THEM for a while. After about an hour and a half at the gym, I decided I probably should go home!

I took a little nap (stocking up on my sleep...ha!) and then went to 5:00 Mass since I had to work today. I ended up sitting next to a couple that I've known "forever" and actually was talking about them earlier in the day. Crazy. Then, I saw a "kid" who was a year ahead of me in elementary school whose sisters baby-sat me. His parents still live up the street from my parents. I have been hearing about him from a patient's mom (who told me she heard that I wanted to date him...news to me since last I heard he lived in Texas on the Mexico border!) I talked to him and his mom for a little while and found out that he has been living with his parents since he moved back here. Interesting...possibly "very"...

Then, I went to the end of the year fantasy football/beginning of the year fantasy baseball pizza party. There I did a bit more listening than talking (seriously), but it was still quite the social day/night!

I had only had one glass of wine since Lent started and my "put good things into my body" plan started. (Not drinking Woodchuck has been quite a challenge!) However, I was at this pizza party and had two glasses of beer. I'm wondering if that is part of what caused the events of this morning...

I had to work, which means my alarm goes off at 5:30. I typically press my snooze button until 6, then leave around 6:40 to start work at 7. I woke up at 5:32 thinking it was odd that I didn't remember pressing the snooze button, but I was sleeping REALLY hard (yesterday it was nice, so I turned off the heat and opened a couple windows), so didn't really think THAT much of it. The next time I woke up, my clock said 6:45...again, after a super crazy dream! Stephanie may appreciate this one (I told my dad about the basketball dream yesterday and it brought tears to my eyes I was laughing so hard!) I dreamed that I was taking a math test. Now, I loved math when I was in school and am pretty sure I never got below an A in a math class. And, this test didn't look that tough (however, in the dream I admitted that I did NOT study) The first question was actually a bunch of numbers added together with the answer and then I had to say if those numbers did indeed add up to the answer or if it was wrong (weird test, but it WAS a dream!) Only trouble was that I was having a TERRIBLE time with the calculator that was given to me. It looked like every single question was going to be like this and without a calculator, that would take "forever". The teacher wouldn't let me get a different calculator...so, I flipped to the end, but realized that maybe I should have studied because I couldn't remember the proper "verbiage" for that section (which, fyi, was describing the similarities/differences in rooms in a Barbie house...Venn diagram?! ha ha) And, with that, the time was up and I started bawling because I had only answered two questions. So, I went to Spanish class and told one of the girls I'd be leaving early because the teacher offered to let me come back to finish if I could come at a certain time...

and then I woke up, realizing it was WAY later than it was supposed to be. I called the night charge nurse (who just HAPPENED to be the same person as the girl in my Spanish class even though I didn't know she was working...weird!) and asked her if it was really 6:45...yes, indeed it was. So, I quickly got dressed, pulled my hair into a pony tail, brushed my teeth, threw some things into a lunch bag and got to work by about 7:10. Gotta love living close to work! As it turned out, I was the THIRD person to call the charge nurse letting her know she had overslept...weird!

It was a good day (there were three students on my "side", which with the census meant there were seven patients and seven staff members!) The student who is working with me is just great. She asked me last Saturday if I would be her preceptor since she wasn't a big fan of the one she was given. She is really sweet, but also really willing to learn and take initiative (I totally was NOT like that!) She even asked if she could bring our questions to the surgeon when he came on rounds!

After work, I went and visited my parents (first my dad up at the gym for a while and then with my mom at their house). My mom and I talked and talked...until both of us decided that bed/home was a good idea!

Tomorrow, I have to take care of some "business" (like, fix something at the bank and work on my foster parent renewal license paperwork) before meeting my cousin for lunch. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving and it will be great to catch up! Then, my dad asked me to meet him at the horse races. I'm not sure if there will be any other social events tomorrow, but I'll probably find SOMEONE else to talk to!

Social butterfly?! Not sure if you use that description for an adult who enjoys talking, but if so, then I think that's me these days...if only I was able to transfer that energy to organizing and cleaning!

Busy day tomorrow and my house is a little chilly, so I'm ready to snuggle with a couple blankets.

Good night.

Being Social

I forgot to mention that on Monday (the day I got my "trial run"), this reflection (my "Minute Meditations") was in my inbox--"Christ does not give a mission without supplying the means to accomplish it." —from Saint of the Day Um, yeah, how's THAT for timing?!

Yesterday, I went to a luncheon with my mom and some of her co-workers. Her boss and his wife were big donors for the event to honor child advocates and benefit a facility that works with child abuse victims. So, we sat at the "head table" next to the speaker and "Master of Ceremonies". The speaker actually came and introduced herself to our table before her talk. The child abuse statistics, particularly the sexual abuse statistics were tough to swallow. The speaker travels all around the country sharing her story of surviving sexual abuse. While her story was awful on so many levels, the "worst" part is that her mother died at age 88 not believing that the abuse ever occurred. Since we were at a "donor table", we got autographed copies of her book. It looks like something I should read...and from her presentation, it sounded like it could benefit everyone to know how to help victims, and protect people from becoming victims... I am glad my mom invited me to go with her because it definitely was a good talk to hear.

After the luncheon, I picked up shamrock shakes for my sister and me. It was a nice day, so I helped her get the boys bundled up and we went for a short walk. I stayed for a while and visited with them (her nephew is kind of a fuss bucket...I feel kinda bad for her to deal with that every day!) I went to Curves and then actually cooked dinner :o)

This morning, I led my last meeting as chair of the unit committee...yay! It wasn't NEARLY as stressful today knowing we had an extra hour. After two years of fighting against the clock to get stuff accomplished, our manager decided to make the meetings three hours instead of two. Gee, thanks for nothing! We probably could have gotten done in 2 hours and 15 minutes this morning, but had ordered pizza and spent a bit of extra time discussion topics that wouldn't have necessarily needed that much time. I'll still get to "stop by" the meetings to give my report from the other committee I am a member of, but won't have to stay the whole time. That will be nice (except for the slight decrease in pay since I won't have those extra meetings!)

After the meeting, I talked to my manager for a little while. Then, I went to the grocery store (with a ton of coupons from coupons com ...um, REALLY glad I know about THAT site now!) before going to the dentist. I had them give me a couple kid toothbrushes to keep on hand :o) In between my dentist and EYE appointment, I got a call from my caseworker (I KNOW!) She actually was looking for someone to do "respite care" for a baby while the foster parents go to a foster parent conference. It's for a Thursday/Friday/Saturday and of COURSE I was scheduled to work and from the looks of the schedule, it didn't look like ANYONE could switch with me! So, I told her to keep looking while I kept looking. I took a "shot in the dark" and called the nurse who was really nice to me on Monday to see if she would change Wednesday for Friday and she said yes! I called the caseworker back and said that will work! I think that will be a good way to see exactly how "ready" I am :o)

I went to the eye doctor (and had to get a new contact...boo!) Then, I had a "decision" to make. My choir practice was canceled because the school kids were doing "The Wizard of Oz". I thought that would be cute/fun since I know so many of those kids and their parents (and the music teacher was MY music teacher!) However, I also got an invitation to attend a Catholic young adult gathering at a local restaurant.

I decided I should go be social with people my own age...and so I went.

I think many of the people in this group get together regularly. I have done a couple things, but it has probably been five years (there was this guy that I think liked me and I not-so-much felt the same way, so I pretty much avoided gatherings with that group). I decided to give it a whirl because I actually had forgotten about him and wasn't exactly sure WHO would be at this gathering. I walked in with another girl who obviously was alone. I said something to that effect and sat across from her. The speaker was a "younger" Young Adult who discovered she had been called to the religious life and will begin her training later this spring. Afterwords, we had "discussion questions" for the little small groups at our tables. Awkward?! Well, a little bit, but I'm a talker and I had some things to add to the discussion. There ended up being three girls and two guys in our "group" and I guess I would call it "interesting"...because I try to be a person accepting of ALL types of people, and respect those who are not like me. [One of the guys was really nice, the other guy seemed pretty shy. One of the girls seemed a little "socially awkward" and the other seemed a little judgmental. And me, when, you know I'm "perfect"...ha ha ha!] One of the girls asked if I was on facebook...okay, no harm in becoming fb friends. I did end up talking to an OB/Gyn who just happened to be across from me and one seat over...only unfortunately in a different "group". She and I did chat for a little bit since she knows one of the pediatricians I know. As I was leaving, I ran into "the guy" and I was "friendly". He mentioned something about wanting to call me and I was like "oh, I'm pretty busy these days, but maybe I'll see you at a future event or something..." I also talked to the speaker and she asked for my email so I could come pray with her and some other women some time...

As I was driving home, I wondered why this "spiritual time" was so much of an awkward, not especially enjoyable time, even when it was a "social event". I usually enjoy going to those kinds of things alone (eg. I went to a couple Natalie Grant concerts alone and to the Selah concert alone and on Thanksgiving retreats and fund raising events...) I am feeling bad because the thought that keeps running through my mind is "you're not better than them!" as if I'm trying to convince myself, but I know that everyone is special and no one is quite like me ;o)

I stopped at my mom and dad's on the way home so my dad could mail a package for me. Also, they were baby-sitting my nephew who learned how to crawl today!! It was adorable to see him crawling, especially since he WASN'T crawling when I saw him yesterday!!

I'm sure if I had chosen to go to the musical, I would have had a GREAT time. However, I had to give this social gathering a try. I'm not sure I will be super excited about another event with them, but another day, another experience, so who knows!

After three days "off", back to work tomorrow.
Good night :o)

Trial Run

It's been a crazy couple of days, but "good timing" that my last post was "Ready...or Not" because I got a "trial run" yesterday to find out...

Backing up to after my last post, I looked ahead at the Mass readings before I went to bed (in my attempt to do more of THAT kind of reading during Lent...at the present time, I have no idea where that little book of daily Lenten reflections is, so I'm not doing THAT great!) I was, however, excited about the Gospel reading being the "Transfiguration" (we read from Luke 9:28-36) because the choir sings one of my favorite songs every year when that story is read. I tried to "G00gle" it because it is SO pretty, but had no luck with that. And, me playing it on piano doesn't give the whole effect because the refrain is sung in 5 parts and it is AWESOME! (FYI picture is of my church...I sort of messed with the colors more than I should have for someone who has no clue about that sort of thing, but the sky was still blue as the sun was setting and I thought it was cool...)

Here are the lyrics anyway (since I'm all about "music and lyrics" these days...ha!):
Refrain: We behold the splendor of God, shining on the face of Jesus. We behold the splendor of God, shining on the face of the Son.
Verse 1: And oh, how His beauty transforms us, the wonder of Presence abiding. Transparent hearts give reflection of Tabor's light within, of Tabor's light within.
Verse 2: Jesus Lord of Glory, Jesus beloved Son. Oh, how good to be with You, how good to share Your light, how good to share Your light.

Anyway, that was my Sunday morning excitement...ha! Then, I went to a first birthday party for my Godson (and watched the US-Canada Hockey game). From there, I went to my grandma's since my dad convinced her to do "family dinner" this week. I didn't stay long and left with my dad to watch his basketball team play. I DVRed the Closing Ceremonies and watched most of it before going to bed since I had to work again yesterday.

Even though I had just worked on Saturday, I didn't get my two patients back yesterday. They were super "low-maintenance" and I was pretty bored on Saturday so I guess that was okay to let a new nurse have them. However, that left me with one patient who was reported to "use the call light a lot", one patient who was described as "NEEDY!!!" (parents AND patient), and the one patient I "picked" who is a "frequent flyer" that was pretty sick and the family can be "emotionally needy" (I have a very good relationship with them and prefer being the ones to deal with them if given a choice because I know they like me and other people aren't quite as patient/kind...not to pat myself on the back or anything...just wait...ha!) Anyway, thank goodness we had an "extra" nurse and a nursing assistant for most of the day otherwise I would be in the insane asylum right now. Even still, I thought I might hurt someone if the call light was pushed one more time...I know, that it is my job to take care of people. I know that YOUR child is the only one that matters and is the absolute MOST important person...I get that, really I do, and I try my very hardest to make sure that EVERYONE is the MOST important, but sometimes you may have to wait your turn. I'm "all about" giving people the benefit of the doubt because being in a hospital with your child is not on anyone's list of things they want to do. Thank GOODNESS I did not have to go back to work today because I seriously would have had to change patients! What was REALLY nice though was that the relief charge nurse waited until I was done (at nearly 8:00!) and walked out with me. I would probably consider her "not one of my favorites", but I will definitely remember that because it wasn't necessary, but super thoughtful!

When I got to my car, I checked my voicemail while it was warming up. It was not a number I recognized, so I had no idea what it would be regarding. I had missed a call from the case worker earlier in the day letting me know we need to start my foster parent license renewal...even though I've been licensed for less than a month...ha! I was surprised to hear her voice on the the message letting me know she had a potential placement for me. I quickly called her back (as I sat in the work parking lot!) to get more details. She said she had sisters who were 3 and 5 who needed placement immediately. I was today, tomorrow, and Thursday (besides a meeting and appointments) so I thought that would be time to get the logistics of day care/school/transportation figured out. However, I wanted to check with my parents and their willingness to help with some of those things. I first talked to my dad who said older, non-medical sounded like a good place to start. He thought he would be able to help with school transportation for the older girl. I then called my mom who was in shock, but also "shockingly" supportive and pretty much said "go for it". So, I called her back and let her know that I could take them. She said she would let me know more details and also check to see if other placement had been found in the meantime. Then, I sent a "mass" text to a couple of my "near and dear" asking for prayers...especially since I was freaking out about how cluttered my house remained!

As soon as I got home (good thing I live close!), I started throwing away junk from my car and moving things around so the back seat was clear. Then, I came in the house and started clearing the clutter in the guest room, picking up some of the scattered items, responding to texts, etc. when I got another call from the caseworker. She asked if I was "freaking out", because I didn't need to...false alarm, but a good trial run for sure! (There were apparently more than two children in the family and they found a home that could take all of them which is better for the kids.) I "vowed" to pick up the living room today...make that tomorrow...yeah, I had the fire under my rear briefly, but apparently it went out quickly!

I got up this morning and sent my LAST agenda for the committee I have been leading for the past two years. That wasn't a "bittersweet" occasion, but Thursday might be a little sad (although I will have to stop by the meetings to give a report from the other committee I am on).

Then, I met with my counselor. Hard to believe that I have been meeting with her since September, but it has helped SO much! I haven't even cried during our last two sessions! She asked me if I just wanted her to be "on call", but I think that with my job and the changes I may be making my life, regular counseling is a good idea (especially with someone I really like!) So, we made an appointment for a little over a month from now, knowing that I can call if I need to see her sooner.

From there, I picked up Panera and went to visit my "favorite" charge nurse and her two-month-old baby. He was sleeping when I got there, so she and I ate and visited and she gave me a tour of her house (it is SO nice and SPOTLESS...she is not welcome in my house any time soon...ha!) When he woke up, I got to snuggle with him for a little while...so much fun :o) I really miss her, but she is SO not ready to come back to work and I don't blame her! She will be working on the weekends, so I guess I will have to consider if I want to work extra weekend shifts just so I can work with her!

I was going to visit my sister, but was kind of tired so I called and let her know that I would come tomorrow (and bring us Shamrock shakes :o) ). I did go and work out, even though I was wearing my jeans...not such a great idea, but better than not going!

I did a few things around my house, cooked dinner, then vegged out and watched TV before going to watch my dad's basketball team play (again). When I got home, I watched my DVR of the Biggest Loser and the new show Parenthood (that TOTALLY made me cry a FEW times! I didn't see the movie, so was not expecting that!)

So, yesterday was a "trial run"...and if I had ANY question (which I didn't) about how much support I have been blessed with, I do not now! Granted, the "next call" will be different, but I know that I will have well-wishes, prayers, love, and support...just like I did when I got my first call a month ago!

Well, it's nearly 1:00 and if I want to make some progress on my living room before I go to a luncheon with my mom, I'd better go to sleep. It's been pretty crazy around here, but I will say that I did appreciate the fact that I ended up being able to sleep in today :o) I'm still stocking up on sleep while I can!

Good night.