Change Is Coming

Last Wednesday afternoon, I got a call from the Principal at my high school (also where "the teen" is a Senior...wow!). One of the Juniors (I'm going to call her Ivy) lost her mom right before Thanksgiving. She was a single mom whose parents had helped raise Ivy until they both died within the last two years. Her mom had one sister who is also deceased. It sounds like all she has is one first cousin (who lives 1200 miles away and has a baby with a brain tumor) and a couple second cousins, none of which are all that close. One of her second cousins became her Guardian and took her in while her mom was sick (she died within 5 weeks of finding out she had cancer). Unfortunately, his wife has a mental illness and lashed out at Ivy early last week and gave him an ultimatum that either Ivy goes or she does. Ivy has been living with her friend from school whose parents are going through a divorce. So, she needs a place to live and someone to love on her and help her "grow up"...and my name came up in conversations at the school. I said "sure" (of course!) and met Ivy last Friday. She actually was pretty open about herself and what had been going on (even though she is shy and likely a bit "socially awkward" among her peers). They were planning to give her a couple of options and let her decide.

Unfortunately, it hasn't been that simple. Because I am a foster parent (who has current placement), anyone over the age of 16 living here must have a background check. I COMPLETELY understand the rationale behind that, but background checks have been taking up to two months in my State. That is way too long for this girl to wait :( After some disheartening words from my mom and sister (both of them asked if I would get "paid" as their first response upon hearing her story...I wondered how it is that I am related to them :( ), my parents said that Ivy could stay with them until her background check is done and she can "officially" live with me. I talked to my caseworker today and she said that once it's in the works, she can hang out here and maybe even stay the night, I just can't leave her alone with Zoe and can't/shouldn't broadcast that she is "living" here. Of course, she still has to "choose" my home as where she wants to be, but things seem to be headed in that direction. I am meeting with her Guardian tomorrow to see what he thinks.

So, if you could be in prayer for her and for me as this will be quite an adjustment. I haven't yet told the teen that "her" room will no longer be "hers"...even though she hasn't stayed the night here in nearly three months. I have barely talked to her since Zoe came to live here, but did get to see her briefly last Monday. I hope she will be "ok" with it and understand that I will always be here for her and my door will always be open (and I have plenty of other places to sleep!)

Zoe is doing great. I (with the help of her teacher!) have kind of "chubbed" her up which is awesome! It is really important for kids with cystic fibrosis to have extra calories (and extra weight) to help fight off infections and grow :) She doesn't eat that well for her mom, but her mom also still struggles with her behavior during treatments (behavior that isn't seen when anyone else does them). The next hearing is January 15 and my guess is there will be enough information for them to send her to live with her aunt (or at least "give it the old college try"...I hope she does well, but I'm not convinced she can/will do all it takes to keep Zoe healthy).

We got pictures taken a couple of weeks ago and I got the disc back on Sunday. I don't "love" the way I look in most of them, but there are a couple that are "bloggable" which made me really excited. I wish I could post others because they turned out great, but at least I can post one or two :)

I'll try to be a better blogger ;) I need to do my "One Word  365" wrap up post!

Dodged a Bullet

Quick update to say that Zoe did not go live with her aunt today. The worker told me a week ago Saturday that it would be a "no go". However, when she arrived at court today (shortly after me), I was made aware of the fact that she was going to recommend placement with the aunt today...say what?! As if I wasn't already anxious/stressed out enough! I definitely think her aunt would be more capable of caring for Zoe than her mom will ever be (I'm not convinced her mom will ever be able to parent her), however she hasn't been involved in any visits or participated in any cares in the three months I've had Zoe. Today was the first time the caseworker observed Zoe in the care of her mom and she has never visited me when Zoe was here (I just realized that today and it made me even more upset about the way things have been going with this case!)

Thankfully, the hearing was a two-parter with mom's adjudication first and then discussion of placement with the aunt (which I was told was a sure thing, much to my dismay...there were lots of Our Fathers and Hail Marys being said by me throughout the hearing). The Judge appeared highly irritated with the mom as it was like pulling teeth to get her to answer yes or no to his questions about her plea of "no contest" to the charges and had to ask things multiple ways, multiple times for a straight answer. So, when it came to the family placement portion and the GAL said he wasn't in support of it, he was "done" and said that would have to be discussed in a hearing at a later date. Wow, completely dodged a bullet!

He did address me, which I knew he was going to do, but still freaked me out. I told him that Zoe's mom continues to be non compliant with her diet and treatments and her aunt has not been involved in any of her cares. I said I was concerned because she has not been well since she has been with me and her cares are a LOT! I also said she was a fun girl :) My hands were shaking for a long time after I spoke, but my worker said I did fine. She and I talked to the GAL for a little longer after the hearing and I may send him an email too. Apparently, her aunt has a job from 3:45 PM-12:45 AM and Zoe goes to school from 9-4. So, there is a huge question in my mind and my caseworkers about who is really going to be caring for Zoe and her specialized needs. Obviously, the ducks are not all in a row and I'm thankful that some how the Judge was able to see that.

Even though her mom tried to refuse to do her treatments at the day care (because it smells there), the caseworker said it was not an option. I'm glad she finally observed some of what has been seen by others during visits. Now, I need to get her to come to my house and see what it's like here (and "suggest" she observe the aunt-Zoe-mom interactions too).

So, she is with me at least until the next court hearing. My guess is that it won't happen until January, but there have been a lot of crazy things in this case, so it wouldn't be surprising if they "magically" got a hearing in the next couple of weeks. Even though her mom is convinced I am trying to steal her for my own, I'm really not...I just want her to be given the care she needs to reach her highest potential. I think the life expectancy for people with cystic fibrosis is now into the 30s and 40s, but likely only for people who are compliant with their treatment plans.

Until the next time...

Trying to Trust

Tomorrow morning, Zoe's mom goes to court. Even though the caseworker (confidentially) told me that they are not recommending Zoe go live with her aunt at this time, I still have no idea how it is going to go. Her reasoning when we spoke last weekend was because of the aunt being "undocumented". While that's all fine and dandy because I don't think Zoe should leave my home any time soon, I don't like that immigration status is the reason. The reasons should be the fact that her aunt has not been involved in her cares and her mom is still being non-compliant with her treatment, medications, and diet.

I pushed for her mom to be able to do her evening treatment and administer medications at the day care Monday through Friday at the end of her visits (which are Monday through Friday from 4-8 after she goes to school from 9-4 which totally sucks in my opinion). Zoe is completely out of control and the treatments that take 30-45 minutes take 60-90 minutes for her with Zoe screaming and crying the entire time. Thursday, her mom tried to refuse to do the treatment and I told the worker that her visit needed to ended early then, so mom threw a tantrum, but did the treatment. Friday, her mom basically threw a tantrum at the day care saying that it smelled (to be honest, it did...it is a day care for kids with special needs) and took Zoe into the bathroom for 30 minutes in the middle of her treatment. She also purposefully used the wrong nebulizer for her antibiotic which is unacceptable in my opinion. She has said she will not do treatments at the day care any more (and wants to do them at her house...I am really stressed that they are going to let her even though her noncompliance and lack of parental authority is what got her into this situation to begin with and it is not at all in Zoe's best interest for that to happen...I don't even think that her aunt should be the one to do the supervising because that sounds like a recipe for disaster with Zoe's health at stake).

So, I'm really struggling with trust, even though I'm constantly reminding myself to trust God (and the system) and telling myself to let go of what is out of my control, I'm still having a hard time. I'm also trying really hard to get rid of all my "f-bombs" before court tomorrow and find some better words if the Judge asks me what I think. My dream would be for her to stay in my care and them to change visits to a couple of times a week so we have more time together to work on things like her speech, listening skills, vocabulary, and be able to do fun things like go look at Christmas lights or see the big tree at the museum. Right now, she is gone every night until late and I barely have time to get her a snack, a bath, and a book before it's after 9:00 (or 9:45!)

Your prayers (or good thoughts) are welcome. I just want what's best for her. Cystic Fibrosis is a horrible disease and I'm afraid her life span has already been shortened due to the persistent noncompliance in her first 4 1/2 years of life. In the 12 weeks she has been with me, she has been on oral antibiotics for 6 weeks anda inhaled antibiotics for 5 weeks. She has had to increase her treatments from twice a day to three times a day for about 5 weeks too due to illness. The Pulmonologist told me that she will likely need to be hospitalized if she gets sick again, which is a possibility with cold and flu season about to come.

Hopefully I'll have time to update tomorrow (I'll for sure post something on twitter when I know something @ iloveblogs44 )

Two Weeks

Zoe's mom goes back to court two weeks from today, on December 3. She has made minimal progress in terms of dietary compliance, although Zoe has been gaining an appropriate amount of weight, so that doesn't "appear" to be an issue. She still has unstable housing, telephone access, and employment. She has been seeing her five days a week for visits and they do appear to have a good bond, although Zoe is a completely different child when her mom is present. She has been very inconsistent with her parenting and Zoe definitely pushes the limits. For example, her mom just started doing her evening treatment and medication (after a strong push from me to get her involved in that). What normally takes me 30 minutes has taken an hour or more because she can't get Zoe to cooperate. Four and a half years of not having "authority" over your child is not going to go away overnight. She has had supervised visits, but I'm not sure they have been doing "parenting" teaching, so that is hopefully in the works.

So, the plan is not to send Zoe home to her mom yet. However, they want to place her with mom's sister, Zoe's aunt. I have some concerns about this, mostly because her aunt has an infant and taking care of a child with Cystic Fibrosis is a LOT of work! I've been a pediatric nurse for over 10 years and think I would struggle if I had to juggle another child on top of all her needs. However, I guess she will do what she has to do and I will pray that she doesn't get burned out and given enough support so she isn't set up to fail. Zoe's mom can be kind of a "care blocker" because she doesn't have consistent parenting and Zoe knows that. I worry about the aunt being able to establish boundaries with her sister so Zoe's needs are met...

But, it sounds like it is going to happen, so I should try not to worry so much, try and let go of some of my "control issues" and CHOOSE to make the most of whatever time we have left. She is a really sweet girl and I will definitely miss her snuggles and silliness. But, that's part of life as a foster parent. My job is to give the children a safe, loving, and stable environment for however long I am blessed to have them in my home...and my love will remain in their hearts forever.

No Excuses

or too many to count ;)

I'm not sure why I haven't been blogging. I guess I have been finding other ways to "vent" (and have become addicted to watching Touched by an Angel reruns on GMC). I had a post in my head to write about my "One Word" and how I've been choosing to focus on the things that are in my control rather than dwell on the (many) things that are not. Maybe that post will come out of my head one of these days, but not tonight.

I have been off all week long and didn't do anything about my room that has so much clutter I can barely get to my dresser. However, I was reminded by Monica and company many times this week that God loves me ;)

Two of Zoe's visits were canceled last week and today's was canceled this week. It was kind of nice since we don't get to "hang out" as much as I'd like to since she goes to school from 9-4 with visits right after that until she gets here at nearly 8:00. Then, we have to do her treatment, give meds, have a snack, and hopefully get a bath in (I used to do them every night, but now I skip it if it's getting too late). In the morning, we are pretty busy with treatment, meds, and getting ready for the day, so don't get to play.

Since I was off all week, I work all weekend. So, I was excited for today. I brought her to the place where I used to bring the girls to feed the geese/ducks/swans. We were nearly attacked by a large group of them, so stood on benches and threw our bread at them so they wouldn't get us. It was pretty funny. I'll have to try to remember to post some pictures of that next time I blog...whenever that will be ;)

She was helping me make dinner and we were going to have an apple along with a pepperoni pizza crescent roll thing. I cut it using my pampered chef apple cutter (without her help). A couple slices were stuck in there, but I started cutting the slices that weren't stuck. She pushed one piece through and right before I was going to remind/tell her to be careful since it's sharp, another piece was more stuck and she sliced the top of her finger open. Of course! I will admit that I kind of freaked out (knowing I'd have to do an incident report whether she needed stitches or not). It was hard to tell right away if she'd need stitches or not and I panicked (yes, the Pediatric Nurse...if I wasn't worried about all the other people I had to tell about the "incident", I probably would have been fine!) I actually walked her across the street and knocked on the door of the Pediatric Pulmonologist (and mother of 3) for a second set of eyes. She told me that if it didn't stop bleeding, it would need a stitch or two, but totally understood why I didn't want to go to the ER for that! She did come over and check on us a little later which was really nice :) It did stop bleeding and it was a clean slice, so the last time I looked at it, you could barely tell (and now I feel like a freak for calling the on-call caseworker and both workers assigned to her case). But, better safe than not tell people soon enough. She was so brave and didn't even cry. She held still for the nearly 30 minutes I had to hold pressure. Too bad I didn't take a picture.

I'm still frustrated with not knowing what is happening with the case. In my opinion, her mom hasn't made any changes. However, I don't know what the goals are for her to go home. After an extra push from me, the day care has approved for mom to do a portion of her supervised visit there so she can do her evening treatment/medications. It sounds like she still has minimal/no control over Zoe and her "behavior" (it is really hard/weird to hear how "bad" she is at visits because she is not like that at all here...thank goodness!)

Last weekend, she helped me rake the leaves (and helped me cook, do laundry, make her bed...) I did let her play for a little while in them too ;)

So, we are making the most of the time we have (it was 9 weeks yesterday and the next court date is December 3). I haven't seen/heard from the teen in nearly 2 weeks (tomorrow will be 3 weeks since I saw her). The last three times she contacted me was to do something--drive her to the ACT, give her a ride home (she found someone else), bring her uniform to her at school. People have reminded me that that's what teenagers do--talk to you when they need something. It is hard, but I'm trying not to get sad about her not being around and sharing things with me. I am constantly reminding myself that one of the goals of a parent is to make it so your children can live independently and (safely) learn from their mistakes. I did help get her on a good path and just keep praying that she stays there working hard toward her goal of going to college.

That's all I have for now. No excuses to have taken so long, but things overall are good.
Until the next time...

Eight Weeks

I can't believe Zoe has been living here for eight weeks now. I also can't believe how busy I am even though she goes to Head Start from 9-4 and has visits right after that until 8 Monday through Friday...and took an almost 2 week vacation and wasn't getting full-time hours in the weeks before that. So, I feel like I haven't been on my computer much, twitter much, fb much, and my house isn't clean. But, we try to have fun during the time we do have together (which isn't that much, unfortunately...and probably part of why it is usually close to 10:00 by the time she gets to sleep which makes for way too short of a night for a 4 1/2 year old :( )

Last week, she was off school a couple of days while I was on vacation. We went to the Zoo, an IMAX movie, the pumpkin patch, and the children's museum. She is SO good for me, and super sweet. She got a cold last week which turned into a lot of coughing and I decided to go ahead and call the doctor on Monday. They started her on an (oral) antibiotic and treatments three times a day instead of two. Thankfully, her teacher is awesome and is going to do the middle of the day treatment, but I still have to drag her heavy machine back and forth places every day (hopefully for only two weeks!) I guess this is better than living in the hospital, but it is still tough.

The case is kind of frustrating because the "people who matter" seem very high on Zoe's mom and she gets free passes all the time. She missed a doctor's appointment, hasn't attended any family team meetings, and is difficult to reach because half the time her phone is disconnected. I thought she was making progress a couple weeks ago when she got talked to about increasing the amount of calories Zoe takes in at visits, but that only happened once or twice. She "refuses" her supplement when with her mom, but she drank 6 ounces tonight for me without me giving more than a "drink your milk" prompt. She apparently throws tantrums and doesn't listen to anyone on visits. I haven't seen any behavior like that. Since her mom hasn't attended any meetings (and I haven't talked to the worker in a while), there really are no established goals that I know of...just that they want her back home ASAP (or maybe with the aunt who doesn't seem as involved as I thought she was going to be).

The next court date is December 3, so I know I'll have her until then. Right now, the visits are supervised and mom doesn't do any of her treatments. So, hopefully there will be a gradual transition or some kind of way to prove that mom actually is going to take care of all her needs (and keep a working phone which is really important when you have a child with medical needs).

Anyway, that's what's been going on here. The teen hasn't stayed the night here in over a month. I miss her, but she has called when she needed things, so at least she knows who she can count on ;) She took her ACT last Saturday and I'm hoping she was able to boost her score enough to be at the minimum requirement to attend her "dream school".

Until the next time...

An Oldie but a Goodie

I created a birthday movie back in 2008 and have posted it on my birthday every year since. The computer I made it on died and I haven't taken the time to re-scan all the pictures to make a new one. So, here's the original post I wrote in 2008 followed by birthday pictures of the years since (if I can find them without taking too much time!) "You're so skinny!" was a phrase I heard a lot this weekend, so I need to re-watch the video and see what I "used" to look like...ha! I am SO very blessed and am thankful to have lived 33 fabulous years...and looking forward to the blessings that are sure to come.

From Movies

or this! 

2008

2009

2010

2011

On Vacation...and So I Blog

I am not sure I've EVER gone this long without posting on my blog since I started it in 2007. It's been just over six weeks since I got my second foster placement (Zoe--she's 4 1/2 and has cystic fibrosis). I think we are starting to get into a good routine...for now anyway. She finished with her nebulizer antibiotic last week, so her treatments take about 15 minutes less than they used to. I've also been getting called off work a lot :( (my next pay check is going to be about half of what it usually is since I took vacation and have no PTO to cover it after all the other days of not getting to work). When I'm off, we can get her treatments started a little earlier and we are already at home rather than me having to get her from day care after work and driving home (even though it is only a 10 minute drive, that makes a difference!) So, not being able to work sucks for the "cash flow", but it has helped both of us get a little more sleep!

She's doing really well and we have a lot of fun when we do get to "hang out". She goes to Head Start from 9-4 Monday through Friday and then has visits right after that until 7:30. So, our time together is mostly treatments, bath, snack, reading books, and bed. I was off last weekend, though, so we got to have some fun. I'm also off all this next week (my birthday is Monday--yay!) and she has two days off school, so we'll be able to do something.

Right now, I am over 700 miles away in a hotel room waiting for my college friend to drive from her home to meet me. I'm attending my 10-year college reunion and I'm SO excited to see people I haven't seen in a long time. One friend picked me up from the airport this morning (my flight left at 6 AM...that was brutal!) and brought me to see some of my "peeps" in the nursing department that were/are very special to me (I had a job in the nursing office, so got to know lots of the administrative assistants and professors pretty well). She brought me to lunch and then to the airport to check in. For dinner, I walked to the Downtown area. I think we'll go back there for drinks after my friend arrives :)

My sister is taking care of Zoe this weekend while I'm gone. She and my mom came over on Monday to learn her treatments and medications. I gave her three pages of notes and she said she may be texting me tomorrow, but I know she'll be fine. I talked to her after her evening treatment and my sister said she did fine with everything and had a good snack. I'm definitely going to miss her, but I'll be back Sunday afternoon and tomorrow will be really busy, so it will be ok :)

Speaking of missing...the teen hasn't been coming around in a while. The last time she spent the night was September 23, so going on a month. That after living here half the summer and every weekend after that. It's really weird and I don't know what's going on, but I miss having her at my house and hearing about what's been going on. She had lots of erratic spending/withdrawals (as in, over $500 in two weeks) from her bank account and I found out that her mom left town again (not for as long this time). Since she wasn't talking to me, I was afraid she had funded her mom's trip and it was really stressing me out. Then, there was a $141 transaction to a tattoo place and I about lost it (she was close to over-drafting her checking account twice). I was all ready to shut down her account and take back the $200 I gave her to start them in the first place. One of my twitter friends stopped me from doing that though ;)

I finally was able to talk to her in person and asked what was going on. She said nothing and that she had cash in her room as well as a pay check. She continued to maintain that everything was fine until I told her how close I was to closing the account. Then, she told me nonchalantly without making eye contact that she had bought a car (with help from her mom...shocker!...and I don't want to know where that money came from). The car was $1000 and she doesn't have her license yet, but she thinks that was a good decision so she can get to and from work (and school) easier. I'm not 100% convinced, but it is what it is. She's a little scared to drive after she was riding in a car with her friend who got into an accident. It wasn't her fault, but the teen had horrible seat belt bruises (thank goodness she was wearing one!) Later that night (last Friday), a good friend from work was hit by a drunk driver and died from his injuries. She said they are going to do some drinking and driving awareness stuff at work in his honor and do a fundraiser. It is really sad she is dealing with that stuff, but I think it will help her continue to make good choices. I'm not sure how her grades are. She said she wasn't doing well in math, but didn't say much else. She still wants to go to the big university, but she needs to get at least 5 points higher on her ACT which she is taking next week. I hope she continues to stay focused and working hard toward her goals/dreams :)

Zoe's mom goes back to court on December 3. I don't think they can change her placement status until after court. Apparently things are going well, so I'm not sure how much longer I'll have her after that. She does seem willing to do what is asked of her (like starting to offer Zoe her supplements on visits rather than taking the easy way out and giving her the water that she wants) and hasn't canceled visits. She didn't attend either of the family team meetings we have had and also missed a doctor's appointment, but those are being excused away by the caseworker...it is what it is. I found out that the caseworker is 3 months into this job, but it is her second career...that explains some of why she is the way she is (my agency caseworker is a foster/adoptive parent and has been working with the system for over 35 years).

Even though some days are tough, I am so thankful to have these girls (and the little one) in my life. I know that I have made a difference in their lives, and will continue to have an impact on them.

I'm looking forward to having some fun away from it all (even though I'm sure I'll be talking about them a lot!) I'll try not to be such a stranger to this blog :)

Until the next time...

One year, 4 days...Four weeks

It's been one year and four days since my first foster placements went home after living here for 16 months. It has been four weeks since I got my second foster placement. I had no idea what was going to happen in the days, weeks, months, year after I said "good-bye" on that day. Little did I know that the teen would end up spending so much time with me, including living here for half the summer. She hasn't stayed here in about two weeks which is the longest amount of time she has spent in a row at home since April (or maybe even since February!) I noticed that she took $260 out of her bank account yesterday and nearly overdrew her checking, so I have no idea what's going on, but I'm praying that everything is okay. I haven't talked to her mom in probably six weeks, but the teen says things are fine and her sister is okay too (not sure her "okay" is the same as mine, but it is what it is and I pray she isn't as "bad off" as I imagine).

Things with my new placement are going well. I named her "Zoe" here and on twitter and have actually almost called her that a couple of times. We have a pretty good routine, although it is pretty crazy. I rarely get her to bed by 9:30 (usually 9:45/9:50) and on days I work, we leave here at 6:00. On days I'm off, we have to be up BY 7:15 in order to get everything done before school starts at 8:45. She only has one week left of her antibiotic nebulizer, so that will shorten her treatment times by quite a bit. I hope her infection is clear, otherwise I think that means she would have to go to the hospital for IV antibiotics (and then likely home with them with more treatments). It seems like she is doing well and I've been giving her all her medication, but I need to remind myself that she does have a chronic illness and could possibly end up in the hospital (although less likely since she is being "properly cared for" at this time). She has gained about two pounds since being placed with me and I can feel every ounce when I carry her asleep to the car at 6 AM (she still weighs less than the 50 pound suitcase with her equipment/medications that I drag back and forth between home and day care...that makes me very thankful I only work 3 days a week!)

She was off school (she goes to Head Start) on Friday and Monday, so we went to the Pumpkin Patch. Her visit last Friday was canceled, so we had the WHOLE day to ourselves and it was really fun (she has visits Monday through Friday from right after school until 7:30 so she is dropped off around 7:45/8:00). Tomorrow's visit is also canceled, but I am scheduled to work (although our census has been low, so I could end up with the day off), so it won't feel like it's canceled since I get off at that time anyway.

I'm not sure what is going to happen with her (besides plan for reunification), but I heard that the case is going to go to a trial (no idea what that means). The next court date is December 3rd and I was told that it is unlikely that anything would/could change with visitation/placement before then. So, I will probably have her for another two months. I feel like I have made quite the impact in the four weeks I have had her, so I'm really looking forward to seeing how well she will be doing two months from now :)

Until the next time...keep all of us in your prayers...this crazy, but blessed life of ours :)

Keeping Busy

I have been wanting to post an update on how things are going, but it's been super busy and I'm too tired to stay awake much after Zoe does most nights. She is doing well and is really sweet. She likes the teen, which is good since the teen was here nearly every day last week (I haven't talked to her since Monday this week though). Last week was pretty exhausting since I worked my three shifts during the week, took the teen to the University that's 60 miles away twice (once for a conference and once for a football game), and still had to do all Zoe's treatments and continue to coordinate everything (I am SOOOOO sick of telephone calls!) Her treatments take about an hour in the morning and an hour at night. The day care does them on the days that I work which helps, but it is rare that I get her to bed before 9:45 PM...SO late! Usually, she is up about 6:30, but I have to leave by 6:00 on the days that I work and we can't sleep much past 7 since she has to be at school between 8:45 and 9. She has visits M-F from after school until 8:00, so many days I only see her for treatments, snack, bath, book, and bed. She has tomorrow and Monday off school and I may "forget" to tell people so I can actually spend some time with her (I had last weekend off, so did get time, but it was a lot of time with the teen too and my sister watched her all day on Saturday). Tomorrow, we are planning a trip to the Pumpkin Patch after her doctor appointment.

So, there's a quick update. It's sometimes a little crazy, but mostly it's good. She is cute and goes to bed really easily/sleeps through the night/is fully potty trained/can keep herself occupied while I do things around the house...so I really don't have any reason to complain ;) The case is kind of crazy and it almost seems like there are people who think she's the problem there was medical non-compliance (one of the reasons for removal), not her mom which is SO weird...they are super "yay mom". So, I'm not sure how long she'll be here, but hopefully long enough to have a good stretch of healthy days. Cystic fibrosis is a fatal disease (2008 data from that link says average survival 37.4 years) and not being properly cared for as a young child definitely doesn't help matters :(

Hopefully things will "settle down" and we can get into some kind of routine. It's challenging with her five day a week visits, school schedule, and my "abnormal" work hours, but we're doing the best we can :)
Until the next time...

Remembering and Celebrating

I know I need to make some time to write about how everything has been going around here, but today is not that day...at least not yet ;) It's been a year since Sara took her last breath. It was so awesome to see how many people had been changed by "knowing" her in the days leading up to her death and in the days that followed. Even now, you'll occasionally see an "@ gitzengirl" on twitter and people all over the world continue to Choose Joy in her honor and memory (some even have those words tattooed permanently...maybe I will some day ;) ) Although I never got my "face-to-face" or telephone chat, I am grateful for all the times we did "connect". I know she would be as happy as I am with how things have ended up with the teenager and I'm sure she'd say she was proud of me for "doing it again" with a new placement. Her family has kept her blog active, so if you haven't "met" Sara, today would be a good day. She was an amazing person who left behind quite a legacy. Choose Joy...today and every day.

Finding my Words (Originally Posted September 24, 2011)

Ever since I read the words on Sara's blog last Wednesday saying that hospice had been brought into her home and her days left here would be few, I have been trying to find my words. That post came two days after I found out that my foster daughters could go home and their days left here in my home would also be few.

Every time I thought maybe I'd be able to find the words, I'd read another beautiful post by one of her friends (like Alece, Mandy and Shannon). I bawled reading this post and even though I kept reminding myself that I just needed to speak from my heart and be myself, I just couldn't do it. Even though this post put into words how you can be so incredibly sad to lose someone that you've never actually "met" (thank you social media), I still struggled. I was thankful for the nearly 700 comments on that post last Wednesday and the well over 100 links on this post to help me not feel so crazy to feel this way about someone I never actually met. I know that my family and friends who live here would NEVER understand, but I'm so grateful to have friends who do.

Finally, I'm sitting in a quiet house with a Green Apple Smirnoff and going to attempt to find some words to share.

I was trying to remember when and how I first came to know Sara (Gitzen Girl). However, I really can't remember. I think either it's one of those things that happened that didn't seem significant at the time, but ended up being something much bigger or something so "fabulous" that I can't remember my life without her blog in it ;)

I did do a little "research" and it appears that the first post I wrote that mentioned her was in February of 2009 in this post. It appears that the first time I actually left a comment on her blog was that same month on this post which is actually a very funny "Flashback Friday" about when she had someone get her chicken on a Friday during Lent since it "wasn't meat"...one of the many reasons people love Sara :)

The month after that, Sara was doing something called "Hump Day Giveaways" which again is super funny because who doesn't enjoy saying "Hump Day Giveaway"?! ;) I left a comment on this post, found out the following day I was a winner, and wrote a rather boastful post on my blog to celebrate. That canvas now hangs in my kitchen and it is a gift I will treasure forever.


In April 2010, I wrote about "bringing Sara" to Holy Week services with me and how that made it that much more special (FYI the rest of that post is really boring and all over the place, but I did write about that ;) ) Knowing Sara and her "circumstances" definitely helped change my views on a lot of things...I open the windows more, I play in the rain more, take more time to look at flowers and listen to nature, and hope I take less of my life and its blessings for granted.


In June 2010, I was completely "star struck" after being included in Gitz Bits (I sent her "Glee Gum") and had begun to refer to myself as a "Gitzen Girl Groupie" (or THE Gitzen Girl Groupie...excuse me ;) ) That was the month I became a foster parent and I was on the receiving end of many prayers and much love and support in that decision and the journey that followed.

The following month, Sara's dad died suddenly and I wrote in this (very long) post that I had read it while I was at work and was so sad for her, especially since she was unable to really be with her whole family during that time. A month or two ago, I shared with her that she and her parents were in one of my dreams. I wish I could get my twitter feed back that far since I don't remember everything, but I remember making some kind of comment to her dad about "checking out early" and he had some kind of sarcastic remark since obviously mine was a bit out of line...she told me that was the kind of response I would have gotten from him. There was more in that dream that I can't remember now, but I am glad I was able to share some of it with her.


In September, 2010, the "little one" (my then 3-year-old foster daughter) and I found this video.



I can't even tell you how many times we watched it or how many nights in a row she asked to "see Sara". I've watched it a few times this past week too because I have also wanted to "see Sara". This is the closest I ever really came to "seeing" her. We made plans to Skype a few times last fall, but it never worked out with her health/our schedules. Last September was the first time I remember telling her that "for real" seeing and/or talking to her was on my "Bucket List"...she laughed and/or made fun of me every time I said it (her exact words in a tweet were "oh my word, I'm not bucket list material, woman! Riley, maybe :)" ) The last tweet I could find from her was about six weeks ago before Jessica's visit. She was SO excited about that visit and I told her I was jealous of Jessica (no offense...she responded that I was jealous of the wrong person!) I reminded her of my "Bucket List" and she responded "we'll get that checked off someday, girl. then you can aim higher :)" Totally Sara :)

In October 2010, I participated in my first (and only) "Take Five Friday" and in December, I linked up to my one (and only) "You: Create" link-up. I was inspired to make a canvas for my teenage foster daughter's 16th birthday. Sara helped me figure out what to put on it by suggesting song lyrics. I decided to use lyrics from Lady Antebellum's song "I Was Here"--"I know it's my destiny to leave more than a trace of myself in this place." Those are some powerful words and I definitely know Sara is leaving WAY more than a trace of herself in this place.

I'm not sure why my "research" didn't find any posts from 2011, but I think it's because 2011 had more "tweets" and blog comments exchanged than anything else. Sara may have been a "big name blogger", but she had a way of making everyone feel like they were the most important person in the world to her. She prayed for you, she rejoiced with you, she cried with you, she was a cheerleader and a devoted friend and family member. In response to a comment I left on one of her (in)courage posts back in May, she told me "hi, sweet girl. you are doing such an amazing with those girls, and I know they will treasure these memories just as much as you do. much love!" That was written just a few days before I thought the girls were going home. Now, as I am just days away of them "for real" going home, they are exactly the words I need to hear. That is Sara...one of the many things about her that will be missed...

Hopefully my struggle to find my words wasn't too painful for anyone else to read, but this blog has always been for me and I want to remember this. It is a little "linky crazy", but at least all (or most) of my "Sara posts" will be in one place whenever I need a reminder to "Choose Joy". Sara is more precious to me than words can say. I regret that there are cards I bought for her that never were sent. I wish I really would have hopped in my car one day and drove to see her (honestly, I was more afraid of any "funky stuff" that I carried on me from being a pediatric nurse than afraid of being seen as a "crazy lady" for randomly showing up on her doorstep!) I'm not sure Sara ever could have met a stranger who didn't soon become her friend...and that is why there are "strangers" all over the world grieving over the fact that this world is losing an amazing person while also celebrating that in Heaven she will be free of the pain she faced on this Earth. Sara, you will be missed, but know that your legacy will live on in each and every person who has read your words, heard your story, been on the receiving end of a tweet/email/blog comment, etc. Who knew that a farm girl from Iowa who couldn't leave her condo could do so much good...only God...and I am SO very blessed that God chose me to be a part of it too. Thank you Sara. And, if any of her family happens upon this post...thanks for sharing Sara with all of us...my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.


Update: Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this post, drinking the last sip of my Green Apple Smirnoff, Sara was taking her last breath. I woke up at 6:00 this morning to get ready for work and saw the posts on twitter. I haven't exactly had time to process since I need to leave for work very shortly, but will be praying for her family and all who love her. I found a scrub top to wear to work that has hearts and stars and the words "Love", "Peace", and "Joy"...I will remember to "Choose Joy".


Also, if you clicked here from Jessica's site and were curious about the red square thumbnail...well, it was supposed to be this--a picture (from my phone) of my canvas on the wall in my kitchen. However, I obviously had some major technological difficulties and had no clue how to fix it ;)