I'm Really Doing Okay

If you would have asked me how I thought I'd be doing a mere 31 days after the girls moved home after living with me for 16 months, I definitely wouldn't have thought "really okay". However, I really do think that I'm doing okay...maybe even better than "okay" and I have a LOT of people to thank for that. The first 11 days were kind of rough, even though I had definitely been "feeling the love", then two days later, I got "the letter" from the teen that helped give some "closure" while confirming in her own words that I made a huge difference in her life (and her sister's). I hadn't talked to the teen since we went to the pumpkin patch before I left for Nashville, then a "random" email showed up in my inbox yesterday afternoon. It was a short (funny) clip from a college football game that she knew I would like. It was something she would have come out of her room to show me if she were still living here, but it's even more special that she still thought to email it to me. So, part of my "doing okay" has to do with the fact that I have still been able to maintain a relationship with them and they seem to be doing well. I'm not sure I'd be doing okay if I had a story like "Fosterhood" who has continued to maintain contact with her former foster child, but the child is still living in a WAY less than ideal situation (her story breaks my heart).

Another reason I feel like I'm "doing okay" is the fact that God truly has blessed me with amazing people. It feels like nearly every day (or maybe even every day), I have been given the opportunity to share that I'm a foster mom...and then either give a short or long (or very long...you who read here know me!) version of my experience. I find myself sharing the story of having the girls, saying good-bye, our post-reunification contact, or plans for future placement(s) on a regular basis and I think that has helped a lot. I'm a "talker" (when in my "comfort zone"...see this post and this one) and seriously, God has given me lots of people willing to listen, and for that I am very grateful. I do a lot of "talking it out" here on my blog, but lately I've been able to do quite a bit of "talking it out" in "real life" too. I think that has helped me be more at peace with the way things are as I continue to remind myself of how special the time we had together was and the HUGE impact I was able to make in their lives (and they in mine). As I often share, I had them both at critical times in their lives children they need positive influences the most. The little one turned from a toddler into a pre-schooler, and every teenage girl needs someone who believes in them and supports them in their life goals!

Even though I was disappointed that the little one couldn't come to the agency Halloween party on Friday, it gave me an opportunity to talk to other foster parents and I also talked to four different caseworkers. Everyone wanted to know how I was doing, and I got encouragement and reassurance that I am handling things well. I got some good advice and all of them understand my reasons behind waiting for a little while before accepting another placement (while still keeping the door open if that "perfect" placement comes along...I had a dream last night that I had two little blonde girls here who were about 3 and 5 which isn't at all what I have been thinking I "want", but who knows...)  I'm really glad that I attended the party, even though I didn't have kids with me (I actually went the past THREE years without kids since the girls were at a visit last year and I didn't have a placement the year before). Here is a picture of me with my friend that I met when she was a family support worker and I was helping with supervised visits about 4 years ago. She and her husband adopted two kids from foster care and have a foster son right now. She's a really good friend and has helped me a lot :)

Not only am I "doing okay" because of my continued relationship with the girls, the amazing friends/tweeps/bloggers/co-workers in my life, and the awesome caseworkers/support at my agency, I also have been blessed with great "professionals". I love my therapist (seeing her next week) and also have a spiritual director that I saw today who is really great as well.

So, there you have it...I'll have to save this post as a reminder for when I am asked to speak to new foster parents about the grieving process after reunification. I'm sure there will be some more sad times and rough times, but for now, I'm really feeling good about most things. However, things aren't "perfect" by any means...I haven't been eating very well since cooking doesn't appeal to me, my house is still a mess because I have no incentive/energy to fix it and I'm starting to feel bad about living in these kind of conditions, so need to find a way to get something done, and I still struggle with making decisions that feel "unpopular", especially to my family. But, overall, I feel like I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would be doing at this point. I've been keeping busy which helps and usually have the TV or music on so I can't hear the quiet, but eventually I feel like I need to spend some time in the quiet too.

Thanks for "listening" :)
Good night.

Blonde Is Fun

Tonight, I went to the Halloween party at my agency. The plan to bring the little one with me fell through, which was disappointing, but worked out fine. Actually, their mom went to a job interview today, so, together with her being in class when I talked to her last week, things seem to be better than I thought. Of course, she had the little one with her all day which is not exactly a "fair" thing to do to a 4-year-old, but it is what it is. And, to give her "props", I tried to get her to let me take the little one anyway, but she told me the little one hadn't had a nap and that they should "call it a day". I am positive that I had much more fun alone than I would have with a tired and crabby little one.

Plus, since I was alone, I got to visit with quite a few different people. Everyone wanted to know how I was doing and I was to give updates to at least four of the workers. I have some foster parent friends there that I was able to visit with as well, so it turned out just fine. All the cute little kids there did kind of make me wish I wasn't on a "break", even though I still feel like taking a break is the "right" thing to do. I am going to remain open to the possibility that the "perfect" placement could come along even when I don't feel "ready" and trust that I'll "know when I know" just like I did the last time. Right now, I feel like I owe it to these girls to be there for them like I said I would be and I don't think I could be "fully present" if I was responsible for another child or children.

So, I'll wait for that to happen. But, in the mean time, I dressed as a (blonde) bride for the party and got lots of compliments on my costume. The dress is the one I wore in my sister's wedding (she wore a blue dress). I had the blonde wig (wore it last year to see Beauty and the Beast with the little one and the year before when I was a "beauty queen") and borrowed the veil from my mom. I did buy the cheesy bouquet, but it was less than $10. I did wear sparkly shoes, but those aren't in any of the pictures I took.

I got some compliments on the first photo even though it was taken with my phone and I'm not that great at taking self-portraits (or posing for pictures). The next three were taken in photo booth...I think I need to do that more often because it was pretty fun (except, again, I am not good at posing for pictures).

It was a fun night. I work the next two days, but am off on Halloween, so I may need to dress up again since I do enjoy wearing that wig ;)

Good night.

One of Those Days

It should have been a good day. I was actually really excited about today. For the first time in a long time, I had no plans, no appointments, no meetings, nothing. My house is a disaster and I was hopeful that I'd be able to make it more presentable during my time off today.

Today, however, had other plans for me. I did make it to Curves this morning for the first time in over a month and was pleasantly surprised to learn that I haven't gained any weight (even with all the chips and salsa I ate these past few weeks!) For much of the workout, it was just me and the owner there. So, we got to have a nice visit (probably not a great workout, but at least I was there and not on the couch for 30 minutes!) Something she said made me think about this post I wrote while I was on vacation. We were kind of talking about how I was an "ENFJ", but that I also feel like I am a "quiet observer" in a many social situations*. I talked to her about that post and the book What Women Fear. I told her how I talked to that couple on the airplane and about meeting Tammy and Alece while I was on vacation. Her "observation" is that I am much more comfortable talking to people in situations where it is unlikely I will be judged for being who I am. I definitely agree with her on that (hence my "Internet friends"), but the second part was hard to hear, even though I believe there is truth in it (or that it IS truth)...and that is that my mom and her "judgement" has a role in my discomfort in other situations. (I am not 100% sure any of this paragraph makes sense, but it is getting late and I have more I need to "let out" before I go to bed...) Again, I think that makes sense because it seems like many of my therapy sessions end up going back to my mom. However, this morning conversation may have set off what became quite the emotional/crabby day.

(*I took the quiz today and ended up ISFJ which is a little odd, so maybe I was just "off" today--33% Introverted, 1% Sensing, 75% Feeling, 44% Judging--compared to the 11% Extroverted, 12% Intuitive, 88% Feeling, 22% Judging ENFJ I got the last time.)

I did manage to get myself off the couch to mow the lawn. I ended up doing quite a bit of thinking as I mowed. I became frustrated with myself as I thought about the jealousy and resentment that keeps creeping in as well as thoughts that maybe I am more self-centered than I think I am. That now makes me teary, especially after how much "venting" I was doing on twitter all afternoon. See, my mom works ALL the time, and pretty much every spare moment she has is spent with my sister and nephew. Now, they even plan and do things without even asking if I'm off or would want to try and rearrange my schedule to do things with them. Yes, I am somehow incredibly busy, and I likely would have opted out of going to the pumpkin patch, the children's museum, and shopping today (since my mom took today and tomorrow off work...who knew?!). But, it would have been nice to have the option, at least to feel welcome. I found out my mom was off today, but didn't know what all they had planned. So, when I realized that the dress I want to wear to a Halloween party tomorrow needed to be pinned, I called her cell phone. It went straight to voice mail. I called their house phone. It went straight to voice mail. I texted her and she responded quite a bit later than they were doing this and that and never really gave me an answer on if she'd be able to help. I needed her for like 10, maybe 15 minutes and it was as if I'd asked her to do something huge.

So, I was sad, and frustrated, and tweeted a lot. She did end up finding time in her busy schedule to pin my dress for me tonight and I managed not to cry (doing that now). I sent one of my aunts a frustrated text message. She told me that I need to schedule a time with just me and my mom which was good advice, but who knows when that will happen...

It seems silly now to be so upset by something so little, so I'm also wondering if I am still struggling with hormone stuff. I was diagnosed with PCOS earlier this year and have been taking progesterone shots for three months now (I was taking pills for 4 or 5 months before than). I was about ready to stop because I feel like I have more PMS now than before I started to try and treat it, but my doctor encouraged me to persevere...I guess I will as long as I don't have monthly episodes where I just randomly cry no matter where I am or how hard I try to stop the tears.

So, it was just one of those days that wasn't so great. I guess now is the time to look back at some posts that make me smile like this one and this one (I haven't watched that video in a long time...) and some posts that remind me of where I've been (that's an old one!), what I have accomplished, and that my journey, my gifts are special.

It's after midnight now, so it's a new day...and I'm already feeling better :)

Foster Mom Update

It's been nearly four weeks since the girls moved back with their mom. I've been keeping busy and realize that I haven't really written about them since I wrote about the amazing letter I got from the teen.  So, I figured it was way past time for an update.

Last Sunday (the 16th), I called the girls' mom to see if I could get the girls on Friday since the teen was off school. I had talked to the teen about that to make sure she'd be okay with that and it sounded like she would be. I ended up on the phone with their mom for nearly an hour. It actually wasn't too painful of a conversation and I have learned to just keep quiet when she goes on and on, especially since I don't believe half of what she says anyway. I did take the opportunity to give a few words of parenting advice when she gave me enough information for me to conclude that she has little control over the little one (eg. the little one doesn't want to go to day care/pre-school, so she isn't going, even if it meant she missed her required classes because of it...yeah, be the grown up and tell the four-year-old she is NOT the boss).  I had to laugh silently when her niece was arguing with her about the truth behind the stories she was telling me...again, I do not trust her, but continue to be respectful and will do what I can for HER to continue to trust me. She did agree to let me take the girls for the day/evening on Friday :)

Tuesday (the 18th) was when I started to feel crappy (shoulda called in sick on Wednesday...). So, I called in sick to the pumpkin patch, but did take the teen's laptop in to the store to get brought back to the manufacturer. I haven't heard anything, so hopefully it will be fixed under some sort of warranty since it's less than a year old. I did go to the pumpkin patch with my friend and her two kids for a little while (it was a cold day...good one to be off work!). I couldn't stay late because I was given the opportunity to speak on a panel at foster parent training for new foster parents. They wanted someone to talk about maintaining a relationship with the bio parent as well as hear from someone who has experienced reunification. It was nice to get to share my story with the girls (including the memory book I made for the little one and the thank-you letter I got from the teen [I didn't share the actual letter, just the envelope, card, and story]). The caseworker who runs the training said she would like me to come back in six months with the new group and share with them the grieving process after reunification (it was still kind of fresh to share that kind of information). She said there isn't a lot of research/literature on that, so I'm more than willing to help with that :)

I picked up the girls on Friday morning to head to the pumpkin patch for the day. Their mom called me right as I was picking them up (she was actually in some kind of class...pleasantly surprised/shocked that she is actually doing something productive with her time...). She said she was needing/wanting to leave the State for a couple of weeks to see her parents who are sick (she left town a couple of times during the time the girls were with me to see them when they were "dying"). I'm not so sure it is a great idea to leave town less than a month after you get your kids back before the case is closed, but that's just me. Anyway, I offered to let the teen stay with me while she was gone if she wanted. She didn't really give any indication of having a plan on what to do with her children (there are three boys between the girls) when she left besides saying she'd like to bring the little one with her. She seemed very grateful for that offer and said that it would be a lot less stressful for her to know where her daughter would be. At that point, I sort of said I'd take the little one too, but changed my mind once I actually thought about how complicated that would be now that she is no longer in day care/pre-school, especially with my crazy schedule.

I talked to my agency worker (well, texted her since I was with the girls) and let her know the situation, including the fact that I would not take either or both girls without speaking directly to the caseworker. I need to hear with my own two ears that this trip has been approved and what I would need to do if any situation arose while she was out-of-town. I let their mom know that I was going out-of-town until Tuesday, but to let me know what she figures out (I did tell her that I would not do anything without talking to the caseworker "even though I trust you" [yeah, I did toss her a little BS for good measure]). Still no word on that, so who knows. I did talk to the teen about it too, making sure she would be okay with that arrangement and she said yes.

So, the teen acted "normal", maybe even more talkative than usual. She told me how school was going and I encouraged her to attend a minority conference at the University she wants to attend. She said that it sounded like a good reason to miss a day of school (seriously, love this girl!) I got the confirmation in the mail yesterday that she decided to go, so I'm excited about that :) She seems to be doing very well and has not missed any days of school yet. I heard that her first quarter grades were very good (I actually haven't checked them yet even though I still have access to them). Her mom did actually attend her parent-teacher conference on Thursday which was a pleasant surprise.

The little one, on the other hand, did not really speak the entire 25-30 minute drive. Usually the teen can hardly get a word in because the little one doesn't stop talking. It was so weird, and pretty sad. I tried talking to her and asked her questions, but she wouldn't say anything. Once we were there for a while, she started acting more like herself, but it was still different. I had to wake her up from her 2 hour nap at my house, so maybe she was just tired. It was still sad, though, and I do worry about her, especially if her mom refuses to put her in a situation where she is around other kids and her activities/diet are monitored more closely. But, I have no control over that and the teen will be living there until she's six and goes to school full-time, so I need to "let it go" ;)

It was a really nice day and we spent about 4 1/2 hours there. The little one fell asleep on the drive home and then took a nap at my house. While she was asleep, the teen and I watched SVU and Pretty Little Liars like "old times". That's when I talked to her about the possibility of staying her if/when her mom leaves town.

We grabbed some fast food before going to a musical at the children's theater. The little one used to love to go to these shows (I think we went to five, maybe six, when she lived her). However, she wasn't nearly as interested and was pretty antsy. Not sure what that was all about because it actually was a pretty cute show.

Their mom told me thank-you when I dropped them off and I told her to let me know what her plans are. I called back to let her know that I'd leave the pumpkin patch pass (the teen, little one, and I can get in for free since I work there) for the teen to use if she wanted to go with friends. I checked under the front mat last night and she did come to get it. I wrote her a note reminding her to be respectful and responsible of the pass since it was just for her and the little one.

I haven't heard anything since Friday, but have some mail to drop off for the teen at school tomorrow (I'll probably write a note...and likely slip in the $15 to pay for her conference). The caseworker will let me know if their mom leaves town and wants me to keep the teen here. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to spending tomorrow putting my house back in some sort of order. I did talk to my agency worker for quite some time today. I let her know that I'm not feeling ready to take another placement, especially while I wait to see what happens with this leaving town vs. not leaving town business. Originally, their mom said she wanted to take all the kids out of State for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't be surprised if the teen would be worried about going on such a trip and not getting home in time for school, but who knows.

Overall, I'm doing well. I haven't been home enough to notice the quiet. I still have a lot of catching up to do around here, so will continue to keep busy and focus on the blessings rather than the "missing".

Time for bed. Good night.

Birthday Vacation Over

I arrived back home around 4:00 this afternoon. As soon as my dad dropped me off at home, I headed out to get a (much needed) pedicure since I wasn't quite ready for my birthday vacation to end. I got a VERY nice pedicure complete with a sugar scrub and hot rocks...very relaxing :) All I had time to do when I got home from my pedicure was change my clothes and pull my hair up before my mom picked me up for dinner. It is our birthday tradition that the birthday girl/boy gets to pick a restaurant and we all go. Everyone has been wanting to go to our favorite Mexican place, but it didn't work for anyone else's birthday, so I chose it. (It wasn't much of a sacrifice seeing as I love me some chips & salsa! The next birthday isn't until June, so we needed another "fix" in 2011 anyway!)

We didn't get any family pictures, but I did snap a couple of my nephew. It is so fun to listen to him talk and figure things out. They grow up fast, don't they?!

It seems as if I have decided to start writing this post backwards, so I guess I can go to this morning and then back to Saturday (because, it's my blog after all...ha!) My aunt dropped me off at the airport on her way to work, so I got there pretty early for my 10:50 flight. I had to apologize to my people on twitter because I did get rather bored and tweeted a lot. It was a full flight and I sat further in the back than I ever do, but did get a window seat (I always pick a window seat even though I usually sleep). Not long after I sat down, a girl (woman, I guess is better, but I don't feel like people would call me "woman"...maybe they would...) and sat down and started talking to me. She was with her husband and they were going on a trip to celebrate their 16th Anniversary. She was nervous about both of them flying and their kids (11-year-old daughter and 4-year-old son) being at home in case anything happened to them. She mentioned she didn't like to fly...well, I do like to fly and I ALSO like to talk, so we talked the entire flight.

We talked about so many different things...pretty crazy! She told me about her family, I told her about mine. We talked about our jobs, a little bit about our churches. I told them about my "Internet friends", going away to college, moving away, then coming back home. As we talked, I realized that I am even more confident in my life, my journey, my ministry, my mission, being what God has called me to do. Yes, I know that I need to keep the door open to other opportunities, but right now, I truly believe that I have been given a great gift that I am using the best way I know how. Yes, sometimes it is really hard (see yesterday's post), but I feel like I have come a long way in understanding all of this. Usually, I really am content sleeping on the airplane, but I am so thankful that I had my eyes and ears open to this conversation that was such a blessing to me. So, to Christy and Chris, where ever you are...thanks for that special hour and a half :)

Speaking of making the most of a short time period (how's that for a segue?!), I talked to Tammy and Alece prior to making arrangements to travel to Nashville. As the time got closer, it turned out that our schedules didn't really match up very well. So, we had a two-hour period of time at dinner on Saturday (my actual birthday) that would work. My cousins picked me up at the airport and we drove up to the town where they live. My cousins and I had a nice visit in the car and they drove me through Downtown Nashville on the way. We were early, so we did a little browsing at B & N (a very large one!) before meeting them for dinner. As mentioned above, I love me some chips and salsa, so told Tammy to pick a place that had that. I hadn't been to Chili's in forever, so it was a good choice (plus they have yummy margaritas!)

Our waiter "Frankie Brandy" tried to hook me up with a free margarita at Tammy's request, but that didn't quite work out (I got ice cream and a brownie though). He did, however, "card" her first and then proceeded to card Alece and me, so all of us were pretty "pumped" about that ;)

Two hours wasn't nearly enough time and I wish I had done more listening than talking (I feel like I talked a LOT), but it is what it is. My cousins seemed to enjoy themselves too and Alece and Tammy were both very good at keeping them involved in the conversation (you know, since I was doing all the talking...) Maybe next time we talk it will be on skype or something so they can mute me ;) (kidding...hopefully I wasn't THAT bad!)

This picture really makes me laugh, so I had to post it again. I wish I was better at making a scared face, but that's as good as it gets. It also cracks me up that people get worried about me and my "Internet friends", but they are the ones who showed up to dinner not knowing my last name (or that I had dark brown hair)...ha! I'm so thankful that we were able to meet up, even though it was brief...treasured time, though, treasured time.

Okay, I'm going to have to speed up my post here seeing as I'm scheduled to work in 7 1/2 hours and haven't worked in a week. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get called off/put on call, but I have to be ready just in case!

Sunday night, my aunt made lasagna and cheesecake and we celebrated my birthday then since we all had other plans on Saturday night. Everything was delicious and it was very fun to celebrate with them. They used to live in Texas, so are very excited about the Rangers being in the World Series, so we watched the game after dinner/dessert.

My cousin had to go back to college after that and my uncle ended up going to the game last night, so flew out early yesterday morning. My aunt and I went to Downtown Franklin to browse in the boutiques there. It was fun just "hanging out" and visiting. We ate a late lunch there before heading back to their house to take a nap and watch the World Series (Go Rangers...even though my dad is a HUGE Cardinals fan...tough for this baseball-loving girl!)

Well, that pretty much "sums it up"...I'm not a brief blogger...you people who can put incredible words of wisdom into a few sentences amaze me (but, I guess this blog isn't necessarily about "words of wisdom", is it?!...I think not ;) )

Good night...back to work tomorrow.

Because It's My Blog

This may be kind of a "random" post in the midst of my "birthday vacation", but it's been on my mind, so I'd better just let it out (so I can sleep better...ha!)

The last time I met with my therapist (have I mentioned I "heart" her?!), I told her about my upcoming trip to Nashville and that I was going to meet Alece and Tammy when I was here. Although she is "retirement age", she understands this blog/twitter/Internet thing way more than anyone else in my "real life". I wish I could remember her exact words that fully explained the "why" all this works for me, but basically it goes right along with my "life journey". I've struggled for a long time (I've been seeing her for over two years) with trying to "fit in", and with her help have been able to (mostly) realize that "fitting in" isn't exactly "me". I'm on my own path, my own journey, but I love my life. However, because it doesn't "fit" with how others would have planned it for me, or how others have done things, or what others think should/would make me happy, I end up in a "battle" both with them and with myself wondering if I really am doing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life...even though I always end up answering myself with "yes" (usually after a great deal of tears).

Anyway, she understood that this place (my blog & twitter) is a place where I have sought out people whose lives are also not "cookie cutter" and found people who love me for me, right here in the midst of my journey, where I share the fun times, the irritating times, the sad times, the overwhelming times, and the times where I have been incredibly blessed. Here is where I have felt comfortable sharing the hurts and the losses, but also the celebrations, joys, and dreams that have become reality. There is something about being "anonymous" that gives me such freedom to just be "me"...I didn't think that it was because I was "afraid" though...

Yesterday, I read Chapter 2 of "What Women Fear" by Angie Smith (I know, I'm a little behind!) and I'm actually surprised I didn't cry my way through it. See, Chapter 1 was "Fear of the 'What if'..." and it didn't hit me NEARLY as hard as Chapter 2 which is "Fear of Rejection, Abandonment, and Betrayal". While I don't have stories of being humiliated like Angie wrote about, or really being full-out rejected or abandoned, it still hit me as a person who grew up as "likeable", struggling to "fit in" while maintaining that I wasn't going to fully change myself in order TO "fit in". Angie asks the question "How do we turn the corner from fear of rejection to peace and trust no matter the situation?" I think that my 4 1/2 years of blogging (and my 2+ years of therapy) has given me the confidence to "be myself" in settings where I am not "hidden" behind a computer. While it's still a struggle (as I wrote at the beginning of this post that I started writing hours ago) and I likely continue to rely too much on what other people think about me, I'm able to "love me for me" nearly as often as I love others for "loving me for me".

Thank you for loving me for me...and for helping me in my journey to realize that it doesn't really matter what other people think :) (The teen listened to this song lots of times when she was living with me...it does get me "teary", but if you know me, you know that the tears come easily!)

We Couldn't Resist

There will be more to come from my "birthday vacation", but wanted to at least post something. Last night, I met up with Alece and Tammy (along with my cousins). We'd "only" texted and talked on twitter and both of them informed me that they didn't know my last name (showing me their phone contact lists as "proof"). Since I'm writing this "today" and this was "last night", you know that I'm "ok" (unless, of course, I'm writing this while they are holding me hostage...hmm...)

Likely overused but...

Today is my 32nd birthday. I made this video when I turned 29 and I wish I could just keep adding to it, but unfortunately that computer fried and I haven't found time to re-scan all of those pictures from my scrapbook. Sorry to those of you who have been subjected to this for the past three years, but for anyone seeing it for the first time...enjoy!

From Movies

At the Breeder's Cup in California for my 29th birthday

(after my trip to Napa, but I can't find those pics right now...)
Update on 10/23/11--I just realized that this isn't a picture from my 29th birthday--ha!
It is from another trip to the horse races...I wonder what happened to
the pictures from my 29th...oh well ;)

In Vegas for my 30th

At home with the family 

(including two awesome girls)

for my 31st.

I'm heading to Nashville in the morning for my 32nd. Today, I spent 10 hours with the girls and it was a great start to what will surely be a terrific birthday weekend. I'll blog more about that when time allows...it's been an "interesting" week with their mom, so much to share :)

Feeling Crappy

I have the "crud". I thought it was allergies because I worked 5 days at the pumpkin patch during the past week...that and I "never" get sick. Well, I'm pretty sure I have a nasty cold because I feel like crap. Of course, I have too much guilt to call in sick and I thought they'd be short if I called in. So, I didn't and ended up having a miserable 13 hour shift (and probably wasn't so fun to be around either). I really should have called in sick...maybe next time (except there won't BE a next time because I "never" get sick). Anyway, I'm writing this because I really want to write about how I talked to the girls' mom for an hour on Sunday, how we are going to get together on Friday, and how I spoke at foster parent training last night...but, I feel crappy, it's after 9:00 and I haven't eaten dinner yet. So, hopefully I'll be able to write soon. Just a couple more days until my birthday vacation :) I really hope this nastiness is long gone by then. Still working out the details of the weekend, but it is sure to be one "for the books" ;)

Good night for now...I don't wish the crud on anyone.

October 15th

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. My hospital holds its annual Perinatal and Pediatric Memorial Service the Second Sunday in October and I am the coordinator of for that service. Most of the first blogs I read were those of moms who had experienced infant loss. Now I have friends who have had miscarriages/lost babies/children, so this is a day to really remember them even though rarely a day goes by that I don't think about at least one of them and remember their loss, and what I learned from them. So, here is a "repost" from two years ago after my hospital's memorial service that year (I was a little "delayed" in writing the post, but the events written about occurred almost exactly two years ago...wow how time flies!)

Still Surreal--Originally Posted November 5, 2009
Well, I waited to do this post so I wouldn't "rush" through it, but here I am trying to put it all into words when it is after midnight. I was putting the pictures into my computer two days ago and it is still surreal. In fact, if I didn't have the pictures then I probably wouldn't believe it! (I am having a really hard time adjusting to this new posting deal...apparently it will be "better", but right now it is frustrating me!)

So, that was after Midnight on October 17...apparently, the new posting deal frustrated me way too much to finish it, so I will try again. (and I DID try again, but STILL didn't finish the post...it's the morning of November 5 and I'm going to set it to post later today or tomorrow...sheesh!)

This is a "paperwhite" bulb, also called a "narcissus" (so I have been told, I do not know my flowers very well!) My hospital holds its annual Perinatal and Pediatric Memorial service the second Sunday in October. One of the nurses who works on my floor has been doing it for over 15 years, and the past two or three I have helped. The "plan" is for me to take over next year. Unfortunately, one of the people in the pastoral care department took over and didn't really take any suggestions this year. So, hopefully we will improve that communication before the next time we plan a service. Anyway, we did have one meeting and set a theme. Then, one of the child life specialists found an activity that also gave each family something to take home with them.

The chaplain who gave the meditation did a GREAT job of tying in "the theme" with the activity. We got snow a couple days before the service which is REALLY early for us. She talked about how winter came early for us, but as the seasons go, we know that spring will follow winter. For those who have lost a child, winter came early, it came when they least expected it, when they were unprepared. While it may take a while for them to find spring, spring will eventually come, even though they will be forever changed by the winter. It really was a very nice reflection which worked for all those who attended (those who have experienced miscarriage, still birth, perinatal, neonatal, and pediatric loss are invited). I got to bring three of the bulbs home with me.

That evening was "the concert". I half-heartedly looked for someone to go with me, but really wanted to go alone. I was in the midst of a special, sacred, spiritual weekend and sometimes I like doing that solo. (The day before, I was chosen to be my friend's son's Godmother...well, the Baptism was that day, they chose me a while back!)

I was able to sell my second ticket since it was sold out and there was a line of people waiting. I had hoped to be able to give it away, but others were selling theirs and it was just easier that way. When I got there, nearly all the seats in the church were filled. Since I was "only one", I thought I would be able to find a single seat close to the front. Little did I know that they were going to find me a seat on the aisle in the very front row, stage right. Even better than I ever could have imagined, but I took it and quickly texted Ginger to let her know I was in.the.front.row.OMG! Speechless, definitely speechless (well, and "giddy"...and I did introduce myself to the people sitting next to me.)

Here is a collage from the concert. It was AWESOME!! Since I was sitting in the front row, I only used my flash for a couple pictures. (There were flash pictures being taken throughout the concert, but I thought that flash from the very front row could be distracting and I definitely didn't want to be kicked out!) Selah and Avalon were great! I didn't realize that I knew so many Avalon songs!

Since I'm a bit "star-struck", I was SO excited to read on Angie Smith's blog that she and her girls were coming along this leg of the tour. I am a "faithful reader", but not frequent commenter, although I do recall commenting on a post that had like 25 posts since I'm fairly certain I "happened upon" her blog before it exploded in readership. Anyway, since I'm kind of a freak, I quickly snapped this picture when I noticed her and her daughters sneaking in during the first song. It was REALLY dark and this is my attempt to lighten it up...I think you can tell who/what I was taking a picture of!

I jetted out of the room during the break since I had to go to the bathroom SO bad and sneaking out from the front row of a full house doesn't exactly work! Also, that is the time that the groups came down from the stage into the audience with packets of kids to sponsor. Now, I'm not against sponsoring a child, but it isn't something I can feel like I could do right now. I do a LOT of "sponsoring" of families/children who come into my life and do that without an agency on my own time and that works for me.

I was twittering/texting Ginger during the break freaking out that I was in the front row, etc. She told me she twittered Angie to let her know I was in the front row...what an awesome friend!

I made my way back to my seat and checked Angie's area. It kinda looked like there was "security" over there, so I almost didn't try. But, I took a deep breath and moseyed on over there. She was talking to two other "blog readers" and they were wanting a picture. I said "I'll take YOUR picture if you take MINE!" And so they did...

I was wearing shoes with a slight heel, but they still made me tower over her. She is 5'2 (I think that's what she said). I'm only 5 feet, but offered to take my shoes off for the photo (I think she thought that was sweet...ha!) I pulled one of the paperwhite bulbs out of my purse and gave it to her. I told her the story that was shared at the memorial service. I told her about the "tweets" (although she said she hadn't checked her phone in a while!) I asked her about going to the pumpkin patch (they went to a pizza place instead of that but I told her next time, she HAS to go there!) Wow, sounds like we talked for a bit. She really is sweet and I totally can't believe I have this picture!!

After the concert, they had a meet and greet/autograph signing. This girl was ahead of me in line and I talked to her and her mom. I spoke with some of the members of Avalon and got their autographs, but did not get a picture. I said "I didn't realize I knew so many of your songs...it was AWESOME!!"

I DID get my picture with Selah :o) I told Amy I thought she was HILARIOUS and she let me know that her husband gives her good material. She is super sweet and has an AMAZING voice! I told Todd that I had spoken with Angie and shared with him some of the story of the paperwhite. He and Allen both genuinely listened to this crazy girl who obviously was "star struck" and only sort of making sense...ha!



What an amazing, and still surreal experience! Treasured memories, with some really fun pictures to go along with them. It was a great spiritual "pick me up" and I love me some good music :o)
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Well, I'm not sure that was "worth" waiting nearly a month for, but now it is written (I suppose I could come back and add more details later...I did take notes in my little notebook about what songs they sang and did take a little video clip of Selah singing "Unredeemed" which is a great song!)

In another "surreal" moment, I am picking up Ginger in the airport early this afternoon. I didn't even KNOW about Ginger nine months ago and we already met up in Chicago and now she is coming to STAY with me for a couple days! I am SO excited and have some fun things planned. :o) I'll probably wait to post again until after she leaves so I can focus my time on hanging out rather than on the computer!

Until then...

I knew, but now I KNOW

Although there have been struggles during the 12 days since the girls were reunified with their family, there are some things I "knew" that helped me cope. I knew that I had given the girls priceless gifts during the nearly 16 months they lived here. I watched them both grow and develop which was incredibly rewarding and made me a very proud Mom. The little one turned three AND four during that time. She became more independent and her personality shined. She learned appropriate behavior, about healthy foods, and how better to interact with her peers and new people. She was my little "cling-on" who loved to give hugs and kisses and tell me she loved me. We spent lots of one-on-one time together and made lots of memories.

While the little one's growth and development was more due to her age, the teen's growth and development were cultivated by the environment I helped to create for her. If I went back to look at notes I wrote from last fall, they were about a completely different person than the teen I know today. There were nights I wondered if anything I could do or say would help her see that she was important and her needs mattered. There were times she would cry when I told her how proud I was of her. This summer, while we waited for the judge to make a decision on when they could go home, I really knew that our relationship had changed. She talked to me constantly, sharing her random stories, telling me about school and her friends, and about her plans for the future. She was a new kid when school started this year and I really knew that I made a difference. Like my mom told me, this time gave her an opportunity to find her "passions" and, like the little one, she too became more independent and her personality began to shine.

So, I knew all these things about how much of a difference I made in their lives (and more, but this is already a really long post and I haven't gotten to the point yet ;) ) but here is how I KNOW I did...

This afternoon, I went to the teen's school to pick up her broken lap top with hopes that I can get it fixed (I just bought it for her in March...stinky!) I brought her a mocha smoothie for "old time's sake". I sat on the front stops of her school hoping that she didn't forget. She came out with her friend and handed me a note. She then told me all the crazy stuff that was going on with the computer. I asked about her sister (she was starting her new pre-school today) and how transportation was going (her cousin has been bringing her and picking her up). Then, she had me take a look at this note she handed me.

The envelope was covered with drawings of the memories from her time here. "Big" memories like baseball games, trips to the zoo and downtown to feed the ducks, the Taylor Swift concert, and going to the pumpkin patch and "little" memories like a drawing of my ipod, "turtle soup", a string cheese sandwich (from their first night here), and eating chips in the car while stuck in traffic watching fireworks last year. She included the quote "There is nothing more thrilling than to see someone grow in front of your eyes". So many memories--some photographed, some only in our minds and the stories we share--but she chose to capture them all on this envelope. I said "you are going to make me cry" and she assured me that the letter would, so I chose not to read it then. I tearfully told her that I miss her, but I'm glad she is doing well. She doesn't currently have plans for her day off next week, so I need to call her mom to see about taking the girls for the day/evening.

When I got home, I read the note...and cried of course. Then, I called my agency worker and bawled while I read it out loud to her. It really is special, and a true testament to how much of a difference I really do make. Even though I am going to treasure this note forever, I'm going to go ahead and write it here so it is two places (hopefully she wouldn't be upset with me sharing it!) The card had a drawing from the little one, the quote "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart." and a note "Happy Birthday Amanda. Hope you have a wonderful day. Hope your birthday vacation is fun."

Then, there were four 3x5 note cards with the rest of her note, written with five different colors of pens (so teenager!) The note cards are significant to me because she used note cards to help her study and I bought her a bunch of them when school started so she was ready :) Here it goes (be prepared to cry...it is really sweet.)

Dear Amanda,
Thank you for all that you have done for me and my sister. We made many great memories, did lots of things together. The time that I spent in your house and at (her high school) has made me a better person. I always believed that everything happens for a reason. God may put us through hardships in our life, but we just have to make the best. God never will give you more than you can handle. Although not being with my mom, I was still able to be happy because I was surrounded by good people. As I look back now at all the time that we spent together, I see all the good memories we had. While your house was only a temporary home, it felt like a real one (Temporary Home-Carrie Underwood). Even though I still have a very long journey ahead, I feel that I will be successful. When I graduate from (her high school) and go to college, I will look back and remember you. You helped make it possible for me to get to that point. All the long nights of helping me study, writing outlines, projects, and writing songs will help me get to that point of life. Thank you for all that you have helped me with. When it comes time for me to graduate, I'll be sure that I send you an invitation to my graduation. I'm sure my sister feels the same way about you and all you have done for us.
Love Always, M & L

So special, so very special. And with that, good night...

Where I Am

The girls moved home 11 days ago. In 11 days, I am going on vacation (and turning 32!). So, today I am right smack dab in the middle between one unforgettable experience and another one that will (hopefully!) be a memorable one. I suppose, then, that it makes sense that "where I am" in terms of my feelings, coping, adjusting could be described as "in the middle".

For years I lived alone, and honestly would tell people that I didn't often feel "lonely". Then, I spent nearly 16 months living with a teenager and a toddler-turned-preschooler who changed my world as I knew it. Many people couldn't believe that I went from having no kids to having a teen and a toddler overnight (and many thought I was crazy, I'm sure!) Life definitely wasn't lonely, and I rarely found myself alone.

So, the past 11 days have not been easy ones. However, the dishwasher is finally being run. I did a couple of loads of laundry. I vacuumed the sand off the rug in the little one's room tonight. I still have lots of piles of papers and my living room is not yet put back together. I have watched a lot of TV and eaten a lot of junk, but tonight I made chicken and a baked potato for dinner (after having part of a funnel cake for lunch...)

On Sunday, I had an extended telephone conversation with a social worker friend in another State. She recommended that I "make the first move" and call the girls' mom. I know that I wasn't emotionally in a good spot last week to do that, although I did send an email to the teen on Friday. I'm feeling like my emotions are running hot and cold this week (my hormones seem to be out of whack too which doesn't help matters), so I don't know at what point I will have enough confidence to make that call. I did, however, have a note delivered to the teen at school today in regards to her broken computer. She sent me an email at 2:20 that she'd be at school until 3:15 with her computer. But, my phone hasn't been syncing my emails, so I didn't get it until 3:05. I rushed to the school and got there by 3:15, but had no clue where I'd find her. I had her overhead paged, but it was too late (should have thought of that on my way to the school so she would have stayed put!). So, maybe we can try again on Thursday (I sent her an email about it...I suppose if I don't get an email from her tomorrow, maybe I'll "suck it up" and call her mom's phone).

I still feel myself missing the teen a lot. I feel somewhat guilty that the "missing" feelings don't seem to be as strong for the little one, but maybe I'm still just numb about that. Maybe I knew I would miss the hugs, kisses, snuggles, and "I love you's" from my little "cling-on" and some how dealt with that without realizing it, but didn't know how to prepare to miss the "presence" of the teen, or realize quite how "loud" her simply being here was.

But, since I'm "in the middle", I've been trying to talk to myself about other things besides the "missing" (yes, talking to myself, but I don't think I've really talked out loud...not that it would matter, though, since I'm here by myself!) I reminded myself that I didn't become a foster parent with plans to adopt. Now, that doesn't mean I would be opposed to it if the option came up and I felt that it was God's plan for me, my life, and in the child's best interest. However, that wasn't my intention when I made the choice to be a foster parent. I saw it as an opportunity to help children in crisis grow and develop in a loving, stable environment until they were able to go back to their family (who hopefully had fixed whatever issues led to the children being removed from their care). During my licensing process, I shared that "love them and let them go" was something I do regularly in my job as a pediatric nurse, so the concept was not foreign to me. I did sort of forget how hard that "let them go" part is...or, maybe not "forget", rather didn't dwell on it in order to make the most of the time we had.

(Wow, I'm starting to feel myself rambling here...I know, seven paragraphs in, I realize that...I am amazed by people who can put together a really good post that is very short...totally not me!)

So, I reminded myself that I knew 16 months ago that these girls were not going to live here forever. I also am reminded that they are not gone from my life forever. And, maybe most importantly, I am reminded that I did everything I set out to do in terms of loving them, giving them a stable environment, role modeling appropriate behaviors, helping them establish their independence/character/personalities, creating lasting memories, showing them the kind of life they likely would never have seen.

Today, I found myself "in the middle", with more tears than some days, less tears than I've had other days. Some sad thoughts, some proud thoughts. Even though tomorrow won't be a "middle" like today was, I think this up and down stuff is going to continue for a bit...and I think that's "ok".

Good night.

Oh, I did get a text message from my agency worker saying "Would like to talk to you about what you want to do about taking a break or taking more placements." My response was "Oh goodness...I'm thinking a break, but kind of depends on what you have. I'd maybe like to wait until their case is closed?" I did call her about it and it was for a 13-year-old girl...I passed on that one for the time being...still thinking I'd like to take a "break", but trusting in God's plan. He brought me two amazing girls the first time, so my guess is there will be another good "fit" out there some day.

Feeling the Love

This past week, I have felt so much love and support from people in all parts of my life. I'm really feeling blessed, even though it was not an easy week. I got periodic text messages from my high school friend and my foster mom friend. I got twitter messages and facebook wall posts. My mom and my sister even came out full-force with their "random" texts asking me how I was doing. I got a note from my agency worker as well as a phone call. I had various co-workers and patient family members ask how things were going with me and my quiet house.

Seriously, I have felt SO loved and that really made this week that much more bearable!

Not only did these people ask me how I was doing, they genuinely wanted to know. Not once did someone cut me off when I went into the "well, I miss them because of this and that and some moments are harder than others and watching SVU wasn't at all the same and I didn't think I would miss them this soon, but I do, etc." sort of babble. While "no one" could really understand what I was going through, everyone can see how hard it would be and knew the importance of asking.

Gosh I have amazing friends and a terrific family...and they all came out in "full force" this week which was exactly what I needed :)

I emailed the teen last night because she got something in the mail that looked like a letter or an invitation of some sort. I let her know that I'd open it if she needed to see it or plan to drop it off at the school on Monday or Tuesday. Of course, I threw in an "I miss you" and signed it "Love" like I always did. Much to my (pleasant) surprise, there was a response when I checked my email before work this morning. She said she knew what the letter was about and that I could bring it to school next week. She said the lap top I bought her is broken and she wanted to know where to get it fixed. Then, she wrote "Miss u to" and "Hi turtle soup" from the little one which is total inside joke for us. :) That was exactly what I needed to remind me that "things will be ok"...

Thanks to anyone who's reading who helped me "feel the love" this week...I really appreciate you :)

How Are You?

After months of getting the daily question "Do you still have your/the girls?", the question has now become "How are you?" As difficult as it is to answer that question, I definitely think it will be harder when people stop asking (as with any personal loss). I appreciate the thoughtfulness of people in all aspects of my life who have taken the risk to ask me that question not knowing how I would react to it. Because, more often than not, it has brought tears to my eyes (and usually a MUCH longer answer than I'm sure they were anticipating...because, you know, I'm a "talker" AND a "crier"...ha!)

The truth, though, is I really don't know how to answer that. One moment I'm at peace knowing how much of a difference I made in their lives. The next minute, I'm angry at their mom for the way she treated them (and me for that matter) and wishing she understood what a gift she has been given. Then, I find myself crying and praying that they are remembering how much I love them and that their mom is allowing them to be sad. I've been keeping busy this week, but didn't realize that the quietness would hit me so soon considering they were gone for half the week all summer long.

This week, I've found myself really missing the teenager. There have been things I've wanted to share with her and she's not here. I've wanted to hear how school was going. I missed her while I watched Parenthood and SVU without her. I miss having a race with the dishes after dinner (she rinsed & I put them in the dishwasher...she almost always won). I miss calling her on my way home from work and having her answer "Joe's store". I miss her completely random stories and useless information she decided was important to share with me. I miss just looking at her and thinking to myself how far she has come, how hard she has worked, and how proud I am of who she is. Oh how I pray that her hopes and dreams aren't shattered now that she has been placed back into an environment that kept her from having the childhood she deserved. Sure, I know that her time in a positive, healthy environment will take her far, but it's hard to give up the control and I miss being able to protect her (guess that means I'm really a mom, right...gotta let the kids find their wings and allow them to fly...ha!)

I did see my therapist on Tuesday and was reminded once again of why I love her so much (more on that talk another time). I had lunch with my cousin today and am about to leave to go to a work bridal shower which is something I would have skipped if there were kids here, so there is one positive (hopefully it's fun...I don't really "hang out" with my co-workers much).

So, there's the answer to "How are you?" for today/this moment. My agency worker sent me a card and also called me. I went and talked to the foster care review board on Tuesday night and they all thought I was an awesome foster mom (j/k!) and asked me to consider joining the board (not sure I'm experienced enough for that after one placement!)

Well, I better go "freshen up" so I look presentable at "Happy Hour" ;)

Until the next time...

Not Prepared for That

I did okay on Friday night after dropping the girls off at their mom's "for good".  I wondered about me drawing it out until 8:00 at night, but it worked out fine and the girls acted "normal" all day. Saturday, I worked at the hospital all day and fell asleep on the couch early while a football game was on. Yesterday, I worked at the pumpkin patch from 11-5 after going to 9:00 Mass, so it was a full day.

The girls' mom called me about 8:00 and started off the conversation by saying "So, do you miss the girls yet?" Seriously, jerk, of COURSE! (Okay, I left out the "jerk" part...) Then, she proceeded to whine about how "everyone" was sick at her house and the flu was going around, poor me business as usual. She said the teen was sick and she wasn't sure she'd be able to go to school and then gave me a hard time about having her tell the teen to meet me at my parents' house rather than me get her at school (hello-you are the one who is having her ride the city bus...the bus stop is a few blogs further away than my mom and dad's house...argh!) After that, she decided to tell me about how the agency is the reason she didn't get her kids back sooner, quoting an article that was in last week's paper about the child welfare system in my State (I pretended like I hadn't read it...the agency was not really the problem, at least not all of it). Yep, fun times and I'm "stuck" with this forever now...

She texted me about 1:30 today to let me know that the teen did go to school. I texted back "great" and that it's good she keeps her perfect attendance (that wouldn't be so hot if she had 3 semesters of perfect attendance and breaks it the first DAY she is back in her mom's care). I picked her up from my mom and dad's about 3:15 and dropped her back off at her mom's around 5:30 after she was finished packing and the car was loaded. She hardly talked to me at all during that time and didn't speak unless spoken to the entire ride back to her mom's. I had told a few people that I wouldn't have blamed her if last week she had "shut down" a bit in order to protect herself, but that didn't happen. So, I wasn't at all prepared for that change to occur today. Maybe it was partially because she had the stomach flu all weekend and was still tired, but the difference in her was hard to see. She had told me on Friday that she wanted to apply at a local restaurant, but when I asked her if she wanted me to stop by there on the way for an application, she said she changed her mind. I really hope she doesn't lose her drive to be successful and reach her goals...she has worked so hard to figure out who she is and what she wants out of life, but I could definitely see her mom being a "dream killer"...but I'm trying not to think like that.

So, I dropped her off at her mom's (oh, earlier in the day, their mom texted to have me send motrin for the little one since she thought maybe she was getting sick...I told her it was over the counter...annoying!) The little one came outside and said a few words to me "you miss me every day?" I picked her up, gave her a hug, and told her I loved her. I brought a couple loads of things into the apartment and pretty much the only thing their mom said to me was "all I've been doing the past three days is laundry". I wish I would have been able to spit out "welcome to being a mother", but I pretty much ignored her (especially since both girls have TONS of clothes and all of them were clean on Friday when I dropped them off). Again, I'm "stuck" with this forever now.

When the teen got into the car at my house I told her she was welcome here any time. I left their mom's much more emotional (but no tears) than I did on Friday and I wasn't prepared for that. I guess on Friday I know I'd be back there today, but now I have no idea when I'll see them again. The next court hearing is the middle of November (I'm guessing that's when the case is "closed", but I'm new to this). A foster mom commented on my last post that it took 8 months for her first foster child's mom to contact her post-reunification. That's a really long time! But, I'm definitely thinking that I need to allow her to make the "first move" and go from there. One of my prayers for them right now is that their mom allows them to grieve the loss of me, my family, living in my home, etc. As excited as they were to go home and be together, there is still a loss there, which may not make sense to her (especially since she is one of those "it's all about me" people...aka narcissistic) but they need to know that those kind of feelings are okay.

I still think it will take a week or more for reality to set in that I won't be coming home from work to two chatty girls anymore. However, today was definitely harder than I thought it would be. I did book a plane ticket last night to go on vacation for my birthday weekend in a few weeks and I'm thankful to have that to look forward to. I believe it will come at the perfect time :)

I worked at the pumpkin patch again today and work tomorrow, so along with working there Thursday and yesterday and being out there Friday, that's way more "outdoors" than I'm used to and it's wearing me out!

Until the next time...good night.