Do I have anything to say?: Don't forget to breathe

Friday, January 4, 2008

Don't forget to breathe

I still struggled today, even though some good things happened that helped me relax a little bit.

I rolled out of bed to go work out (again, gaining any more weight definitely will not help my "issues"). I then went and got my nails done (something that I've been telling myself is NOT in the budget for months now, but can't seem to stop). I managed to hold back tears all morning long.

The flood gates opened once I got back home. I tried calling three different nurses to see if they could work for me tomorrow, and left a message for my manager. I cried in the shower while I waited for her return call, wondering what exactly I was going to say that would make her say I could just have the day off. Why should I get special treatment? Why is it SO important that I attend the funeral tomorrow? Do I REALLY have an excuse (and do I NEED one?!)? When she called me back, I completely lost it. I was a mess crying and telling her that I've been upset for more than a couple of days, that I can barely get out of bed on my days off, that I don't feel "right", that I'm probably having issues beyond this one patient passing away that I haven't been able to figure out yet, that there may be something wrong with me, and I really don't want to work tomorrow... Wow, how's THAT for being a professional...not at all. Luckily for me, she just came back to work yesterday after being off for over three weeks on funeral leave after losing her father, so she was as understanding as she could be, while still considering that the floor is completely full and giving me the day off would NOT be good for the unit. I can't even imagine what she was thinking about listening to me bawling about whatever I was trying to say! God love her though, she was SO amazing and gave me three other nurses who might be able to switch shifts with me. The first nurse I called said yes and my shoulders felt like a small weight had been removed (still heavy, but lighter!). I'm planning to write thank-yous to both of them! :o)

So, I made plans to go to the funeral tomorrow, which meant I was able to attend the event tonight. I guess my mom had decided she was going to go to the visitation with me tonight which COMPLETELY annoyed me because I really wanted to go alone. The only reason I told her I was going was so she knew where I would be, NOT so I could get the third degree questioning about WHY this patient was so important that I needed to drive 60 miles to go to her visitation/funeral. And DEFINITELY not so she could tell me that I couldn't go alone (HELLO, I am 28 years old, and if I was married and/or had kids, this would not have been an issue). I suppose I should learn when it is important to tell my mom things, and when I can just be an independent adult and do what I need/want to do!

Anyway, I guess everything worked out the way it was supposed to. The event went very well, even though we had about 50 less girls this year than last year. I wasn't quite my happy, cheerful self, but I DID try, and I didn't cry. I am glad that everyone who came had a fun time. I wore a new outfit, and put on make-up for the third day in a row (doing my best to try and make myself feel better!).

Tomorrow is another day. I'm thankful for the blessings of today. Good night.

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This blog purposefully is left full name and location free out of respect to my family and to my patients/families. Due to the nature of my work, and having foster children in my home, it is important to maintain privacy and confidentiality. All photographs of patients were either given to me by the families or taken with family permission. Thank you for your understanding and support in helping me protect myself and "my people" =) If you have any questions, or want to know more about me, feel free to email me at iloveblogs44 {at} gmail {dot} com.

Who's Who

Updated September 2013

I have one sister who is married and has two boys. "A" was born June 2009 and "I" was born March 2012. We are both really close to my parents and have lots of "family dinners".

I wrote a lot about my patients when I first started this blog. Some patients are still growing and thriving, and others have lost their battles.

My first foster placements lived with me from June 2010-September 2011. They were sisters who were 15 and almost 3 when they were placed with me and are now 18 and 5. I called M "the teen" and L "the little one". They live with their mom who still has many issues, but are doing well (ok) and I still have (not enough) contact with them.

My second foster placement came to me September 6, 2012. I call her Zoe and she turned 5 in April. She has cystic fibrosis and has been a patient on my floor at the hospital. The plan is still reunification.

Ivy is a 17-year-old whose mom died just before Thanksgiving. She has a Guardian, but is unable to live with him due to some family issues. She has no other family who is willing/able to take her. She moved in with me the beginning of February. She moved to a group home at the beginning of August as her needs were too great for me with my schedule and having another child with special needs.