This Too Shall Pass

Maybe one of these days I'll get back to writing regularly. I know it has helped in the past when things have been challenging, but lately I just watch TV or take naps (although I have been reading a book, so maybe I'll also get into reading books too).

Things got even more crazy in the 2 1/2 weeks since I last wrote here. I got an email from the student advocate at Ivy's school, which is also the school where "the teen" is a senior (and where I went to school). Apparently, the teen is failing a number of classes and refuses to go in for help/do extra credit. Calls to her mom go unanswered and she is on a path of not being able to graduate. She asked if maybe I could try talking to her. I'd already been feeling guilty about not staying in touch, feeling resentful that Ivy lives here when I would much rather have her, and that email just sent me over the edge. I cried for hours, but got some great advice, one being simply "it's not your fault". Even though it was hard to swallow, that's the truth...and, also, she could still be acting like this even if I had stayed in touch (and then I would have felt like a failure instead of guilty, so maybe this is better...ha!) So, I figured out a way to arrange to meet her last week for coffee. She has somehow convinced herself that she will pass/graduate and that's all that matters. I'm not sure that's the case or if she just thinks they will make an exception for her (which they won't considering she has refused to put forth any effort). It was really hard seeing her like that, but also not pushing the issue by simply just reminding her how many sacrifices have been made to allow her to attend that school (she paid $50/month plus books to attend this year and someone else picked up the tab on the rest...she went mostly for free last year and her former foster family paid for the first three semesters...so, LOTS of sacrifices!) When she lived here, she had plans to go to the University and make a name for herself...I knew her mom was a "dream stealer", but I thought she had more fight in her than that. I helped her open a bank account last summer when she lived here and made myself the adult on her account since her mom is not responsible with money. Well, that backfired and she constantly sent it into overdraft these past couple of months. Today, I paid off the negative balance ($15.05) and closed it...after I had given her $200 to open it and she worked her tail off last summer with plans to save for college. I miss her so much and pray that some day she will once again realize that her dreams do matter and there can be more to life than living in the projects solely off government assistance. I did get to see her sister for the first time since August. She was really sweet, but also is going to have issues as she will start kindergarten in the fall without having had any sort of structure/schedule for two years.

Such is life post-reunification, right?! :(

This has been a good week with Ivy, but it's still been pretty rough. I had more than a couple of meltdowns and called her guardian last Saturday telling him that I'm not a quitter, but this is really hard. I think one of my big issues is that I didn't know I was signing up for this at all. She has way more issues than I could have imagined and I wasn't planning on being "the one" to give her the skills necessary to live independently. It has been a huge weight and I haven't been in a great place, especially after that "went down" with the teen (and the stuff going on with Zoe which is next). I hate feeling resentful and stressed out all the time. However, I have been asking for help quite a bit and everyone, especially her guardian, understands what a challenge she is. So, he (finally) got her into counseling and she started that a week ago. She likes the therapist and it sounds like they got quite a bit accomplished in the first meeting. We agreed that she's likely depressed (duh, she lost her grandparents, her mom, has no dad, no one in her extended family could/would take her, and she's living with a stranger...yeah, depressing!) and also really immature. She went back on Monday for personality testing, and maybe some other screenings to get more information. I am to go with her next Tuesday. One of her cousins took her shopping on Monday for Prom attire since it's this weekend. She'd been wishy washy about going which was also stressful to me because I have stuff going on this weekend that she technically would be able to attend with me, but I'd rather her not. She doesn't have many friends and couldn't find anyone to go with her. Yesterday, the person she was going to go with bailed, so she had all the stuff and no one to go with, so was pretty bummed. Today, someone else invited her into their group and they had all their plans in place, so now she is excited again. They are girls that I know since they go to my church, so that's cool that they stepped it up and invited her. I'm not sure how that all panned out since she is pretty awkward, but they are all nice girls and will be kind. It's nice to see her excited about things and I hope she does have fun.

Zoe, oh my little 5-year-old ball of energy. She's crazy and doesn't listen well at all, although I definitely try to keep her in line (and try not to yell, but it's really hard some times!) She still gets visits five days a week which is still annoying and makes for a lot of transitions. Maybe it will be better now that she will just come here for her treatment on days that I'm off instead of the extra transition to day care for her treatment and then back to my house. Last week, the case manager apparently accused me of sabotaging reunification and didn't talk to my foster care specialist or to her supervisor, but to the supervisor above her. All that because I nixed the idea of her mom coming to my house for visits?! Come on...a little hard to set boundaries when you don't speak the same language! Then, she tried to get my case manager removed from the case the following day because Zoe's mom thinks she looks mean and she thought she wasn't fair in wondering how/why Zoe's mom doesn't know more English when she's been here over 5 years and her daughter has significant medical needs. In neither case did she speak to us directly about her issues with us which is so childish. I've been bullied a lot in this case which is really frustrating. I didn't DO any of this (give her CF, have her mom be a single parent with limited skills, remove her from her home...), so really don't deserve any of this kind of treatment! Trying to manage her medical needs, her transportation, rearranging schedules when her mom cancels visits at the last minute, etc. is plenty without having other professionals tell me I'm not being patient/open/flexible/understanding enough. With the calls to the supervisor last week, I was nervous about the review hearing that was this past Monday. I hadn't been at all concerned since the next hearing to discuss relative placement isn't until the end of July, but it had me worried they were going to move her in some kind of vindictive move against me and my foster care specialist even though changing placement now would not be in her best interest. Thankfully, it sounds like things at court (mostly) remained professional. It came out that Zoe's mom has a VERY low IQ, so it will be interesting how/if that changes the way things are done/permanency plans. It doesn't really sound like she has enough intelligence to be able to grasp how/why Zoe needs special care. However, I suppose if she finds a stable person to live with, then maybe they will still plan for permanency with her, but they are not planning to review the case for SIX months (but still doing the hearing in July...the relative has kind of been MIA for a few weeks, so that doesn't look all that awesome either, but there is still time).

So, there have been lots of rough patches lately and I've still mostly been taking it day by day (that's all you can do, right?!), but so grateful for all those who help me get through each day (sometimes it takes more than one person to get me through a day!) I'm trying not to feel guilty about the teen and remind myself that she's 18, she had 16+ months of living with my love and encouragement and it is her turn to take that into her life away from here and know that I'm here no matter what (even when it's hard and I have to close her bank account). I've gotten lots of encouragement with the Ivy issue and a friend today told me that my job is mostly to model how a happy successful adult behaves and taking breaks from her (and Zoe) is part of that. Her guardian told me something similar. I'm looking forward to Zoe being out of school and hopefully am given the opportunity to spend more quality time with her and work on her behaviors/language skills that will make kindergarten tough if they remain the same. (Not so excited about Ivy being out of school for the summer, but hopefully she will have activities to keep her busy too!)

Hopefully I can write the post that's in my head related to community some time soon (even though this post included some of my thoughts).

Until the next time...

On Vacation...and So I Blog

I am not sure I've EVER gone this long without posting on my blog since I started it in 2007. It's been just over six weeks since I got my second foster placement (Zoe--she's 4 1/2 and has cystic fibrosis). I think we are starting to get into a good routine...for now anyway. She finished with her nebulizer antibiotic last week, so her treatments take about 15 minutes less than they used to. I've also been getting called off work a lot :( (my next pay check is going to be about half of what it usually is since I took vacation and have no PTO to cover it after all the other days of not getting to work). When I'm off, we can get her treatments started a little earlier and we are already at home rather than me having to get her from day care after work and driving home (even though it is only a 10 minute drive, that makes a difference!) So, not being able to work sucks for the "cash flow", but it has helped both of us get a little more sleep!

She's doing really well and we have a lot of fun when we do get to "hang out". She goes to Head Start from 9-4 Monday through Friday and then has visits right after that until 7:30. So, our time together is mostly treatments, bath, snack, reading books, and bed. I was off last weekend, though, so we got to have some fun. I'm also off all this next week (my birthday is Monday--yay!) and she has two days off school, so we'll be able to do something.

Right now, I am over 700 miles away in a hotel room waiting for my college friend to drive from her home to meet me. I'm attending my 10-year college reunion and I'm SO excited to see people I haven't seen in a long time. One friend picked me up from the airport this morning (my flight left at 6 AM...that was brutal!) and brought me to see some of my "peeps" in the nursing department that were/are very special to me (I had a job in the nursing office, so got to know lots of the administrative assistants and professors pretty well). She brought me to lunch and then to the airport to check in. For dinner, I walked to the Downtown area. I think we'll go back there for drinks after my friend arrives :)

My sister is taking care of Zoe this weekend while I'm gone. She and my mom came over on Monday to learn her treatments and medications. I gave her three pages of notes and she said she may be texting me tomorrow, but I know she'll be fine. I talked to her after her evening treatment and my sister said she did fine with everything and had a good snack. I'm definitely going to miss her, but I'll be back Sunday afternoon and tomorrow will be really busy, so it will be ok :)

Speaking of missing...the teen hasn't been coming around in a while. The last time she spent the night was September 23, so going on a month. That after living here half the summer and every weekend after that. It's really weird and I don't know what's going on, but I miss having her at my house and hearing about what's been going on. She had lots of erratic spending/withdrawals (as in, over $500 in two weeks) from her bank account and I found out that her mom left town again (not for as long this time). Since she wasn't talking to me, I was afraid she had funded her mom's trip and it was really stressing me out. Then, there was a $141 transaction to a tattoo place and I about lost it (she was close to over-drafting her checking account twice). I was all ready to shut down her account and take back the $200 I gave her to start them in the first place. One of my twitter friends stopped me from doing that though ;)

I finally was able to talk to her in person and asked what was going on. She said nothing and that she had cash in her room as well as a pay check. She continued to maintain that everything was fine until I told her how close I was to closing the account. Then, she told me nonchalantly without making eye contact that she had bought a car (with help from her mom...shocker!...and I don't want to know where that money came from). The car was $1000 and she doesn't have her license yet, but she thinks that was a good decision so she can get to and from work (and school) easier. I'm not 100% convinced, but it is what it is. She's a little scared to drive after she was riding in a car with her friend who got into an accident. It wasn't her fault, but the teen had horrible seat belt bruises (thank goodness she was wearing one!) Later that night (last Friday), a good friend from work was hit by a drunk driver and died from his injuries. She said they are going to do some drinking and driving awareness stuff at work in his honor and do a fundraiser. It is really sad she is dealing with that stuff, but I think it will help her continue to make good choices. I'm not sure how her grades are. She said she wasn't doing well in math, but didn't say much else. She still wants to go to the big university, but she needs to get at least 5 points higher on her ACT which she is taking next week. I hope she continues to stay focused and working hard toward her goals/dreams :)

Zoe's mom goes back to court on December 3. I don't think they can change her placement status until after court. Apparently things are going well, so I'm not sure how much longer I'll have her after that. She does seem willing to do what is asked of her (like starting to offer Zoe her supplements on visits rather than taking the easy way out and giving her the water that she wants) and hasn't canceled visits. She didn't attend either of the family team meetings we have had and also missed a doctor's appointment, but those are being excused away by the caseworker...it is what it is. I found out that the caseworker is 3 months into this job, but it is her second career...that explains some of why she is the way she is (my agency caseworker is a foster/adoptive parent and has been working with the system for over 35 years).

Even though some days are tough, I am so thankful to have these girls (and the little one) in my life. I know that I have made a difference in their lives, and will continue to have an impact on them.

I'm looking forward to having some fun away from it all (even though I'm sure I'll be talking about them a lot!) I'll try not to be such a stranger to this blog :)

Until the next time...

One year, 4 days...Four weeks

It's been one year and four days since my first foster placements went home after living here for 16 months. It has been four weeks since I got my second foster placement. I had no idea what was going to happen in the days, weeks, months, year after I said "good-bye" on that day. Little did I know that the teen would end up spending so much time with me, including living here for half the summer. She hasn't stayed here in about two weeks which is the longest amount of time she has spent in a row at home since April (or maybe even since February!) I noticed that she took $260 out of her bank account yesterday and nearly overdrew her checking, so I have no idea what's going on, but I'm praying that everything is okay. I haven't talked to her mom in probably six weeks, but the teen says things are fine and her sister is okay too (not sure her "okay" is the same as mine, but it is what it is and I pray she isn't as "bad off" as I imagine).

Things with my new placement are going well. I named her "Zoe" here and on twitter and have actually almost called her that a couple of times. We have a pretty good routine, although it is pretty crazy. I rarely get her to bed by 9:30 (usually 9:45/9:50) and on days I work, we leave here at 6:00. On days I'm off, we have to be up BY 7:15 in order to get everything done before school starts at 8:45. She only has one week left of her antibiotic nebulizer, so that will shorten her treatment times by quite a bit. I hope her infection is clear, otherwise I think that means she would have to go to the hospital for IV antibiotics (and then likely home with them with more treatments). It seems like she is doing well and I've been giving her all her medication, but I need to remind myself that she does have a chronic illness and could possibly end up in the hospital (although less likely since she is being "properly cared for" at this time). She has gained about two pounds since being placed with me and I can feel every ounce when I carry her asleep to the car at 6 AM (she still weighs less than the 50 pound suitcase with her equipment/medications that I drag back and forth between home and day care...that makes me very thankful I only work 3 days a week!)

She was off school (she goes to Head Start) on Friday and Monday, so we went to the Pumpkin Patch. Her visit last Friday was canceled, so we had the WHOLE day to ourselves and it was really fun (she has visits Monday through Friday from right after school until 7:30 so she is dropped off around 7:45/8:00). Tomorrow's visit is also canceled, but I am scheduled to work (although our census has been low, so I could end up with the day off), so it won't feel like it's canceled since I get off at that time anyway.

I'm not sure what is going to happen with her (besides plan for reunification), but I heard that the case is going to go to a trial (no idea what that means). The next court date is December 3rd and I was told that it is unlikely that anything would/could change with visitation/placement before then. So, I will probably have her for another two months. I feel like I have made quite the impact in the four weeks I have had her, so I'm really looking forward to seeing how well she will be doing two months from now :)

Until the next time...keep all of us in your prayers...this crazy, but blessed life of ours :)

Live Your Own Life

I have been awful at blogging these past few months! Overall, things are going well and I don't have much/any complaints (maybe that's why I haven't been blogging...not too much to "vent" about!)

After my month of having to sign up for extra shifts at work, our census has been really low and I haven't worked my full-time hours in over three weeks. That really stinks considering I have a vacation planned for next month that I may have to take without pay. I also am going to have someone do a pretty big backyard landscaping project later this month. I'm going to have to take out a loan for that (or use my credit card) which is okay, but not as "okay" if I'm going to miss out on $300+ a pay check! Other than that, work is good. I had my annual performance evaluation which went really well (I didn't cry and I didn't get hives!) They would like me to work on a large project about the work done on my unit to present hospital-wide (hopefully with a group of other nurses from my unit!) That actually would be pretty cool, but a lot of work!

Today, I was "on call" for work, which stinks (last week when I was on call, I got called in right before I was going to have lunch with my family and yesterday I got called in by 10:00). It didn't seem that likely that I'd get called in, but I have to be there within an hour, so couldn't stray too far from home. I decided to "take a chance" and try to spend the day with my nephew. I wanted to take him to a Museum or something, but it would have taken too long if I had to bring him back to my sister. So, we went to a park and played for a while. I face planted during one of my attempts at an "underdog" while he was on the swing. Thank goodness we were at the park by ourselves! After the park, we went to the mall and played in their little play area. It wasn't quite lunch time, so we started walking around the mall and I spotted Build a Bear. We went inside and they had bears that were only $10, so I decided we would do that. He didn't realize there were options for sound and clothes/accessories, so it really was affordable and I think he had fun.

The teen has stayed with me every weekend and a couple of times during the week since school started. I've also been giving her rides home from school/work intermittently. Her mom rarely contacts me (except when she's freaking out or wants to complain about the teen or wants me to do something like take the little one for the day because she "had stuff to do"). She irritates me so much when I do have contact with her that I try not to complain about the lack of her involvement in any of the positive parts of the teen's life. I wish she had half a clue how amazing her daughter is, but I know there is nothing I can do to change that. So, I continue to support the teen (besides getting irritated with her last night when she agreed to work an extra shift without a plan on how she was getting home besides calling me and telling me that she was probably going to miss three days of school to go out of town for a cousin's birthday...I don't think that's cool when you already struggle in school and are trying to get into college, but I could be overreacting...) and give her positive reinforcement. She talks to me all the time, even sharing that she stayed up until 2:30 AM on a school night talking to a guy from work about "girl problems"...I think she knew it was "wrong" but needed me to be another voice of reason. She's a great kid and I'm very proud of her. It has been a blessing to watch her grow and change during these 2+ years since she first came to live here and I'm really looking forward to seeing what amazing things she will do with her life. 

I have been in the process of lining up day care/baby-sitter coverage so I'm ready if/when I get a call from my agency for a placement. I told them they could start calling me in September after all the new computer stuff at work settled down. My sister texted me on September 1st asking if I had gotten any calls...not yet and you'll probably be the first to know! These next two weeks probably would be "ideal" with my work schedule being the way it is, but I already know that the timing is not up to me and it will happen if/when it is supposed to. I met two college girls on Sunday that I found on one of the baby-sitter Internet sites. They go to the college that is right down the street. One is a nursing major and the other is elementary education. I also found a friend of a friend who is a child life specialist but unable to work in a hospital because of some health issues. So, hopefully one of the three of them will be able to help me on weekends and times when the day care/school is not open and I have to work. Even though my family didn't want to be as involved "the next time", I still think they will be willing to help if they can.

I was having an after dinner drink with my parents and their (retired) neighbors. I know their neighbors really well and was talking to the wife about how things were going and mentioned that I'd interviewed a couple baby-sitters. She wondered why I was interviewing baby-sitters. I told her it was so I was ready for my "next placement". Her response was that I "shouldn't do that" and that I need to "start living my own life"... I feel like I handled myself pretty well in the moment, but it did make me cry a little bit once I got home. I discovered when I posted something on twitter that I'm not alone in people making comments like that to foster/adoptive parents. Sure, I have had some really stressful and emotional times during the past 2+ years during my foster parenting/post-reunification time. However, I think parenting (and life in general) comes with "stressful and emotional times". Even with the irritations, frustrations, emotional, and stressful times, I have been so blessed and "fostering" makes me happy. Even though my life choices may not be the choices others would make (hello, I turned down an almost full-ride scholarship to a pretty prestigious University and then turned down the opportunity to get a sign-on bonus and my college tuition paid for by a hospital...), I don't have regrets and am looking forward to having another child(ren) placed in my home for a while.

I don't remember when I changed the header on my blog (it's been a long time...change is hard for me!), but it was before I became a foster parent, so probably at least three years. However, when I did, I chose for it to say "My beautiful Journey" because this is my life, my journey...and it is beautiful, even if it isn't like anyone else's, or what anyone else thinks it should look like. "The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you."

And, since I think about Sara all the time and can hardly believe she's been gone nearly a year, here's a link to another one of her "quote heavy" posts...I miss her, but am so thankful I still have easy access to her words... 

Until the next time...

Here We Go Again

Last Saturday, one of my cousins got married. My mom insisted on taking me shopping to get a new dress at a "nicer" store since the past couple of dresses I've gotten have been from the Junior's section of Kohl's (on sale for less than $30). She actually "forced" me to get two so she could use her coupon (that was off a purchase over $120...yikes!) It's kind of hard to see in the picture, but I do like it a lot and the material is pretty darn "fancy" for me ;) 

After shopping, then she, my sister, and I got pedicures and then went to a salon get our hair done. Guess my mom really wanted to pamper her girls and neither of us complained! The lady who did my hair didn't listen at all and my sister had to "fix" it some, but everyone thought it looked cute (all I wanted was a wash and style with her doing a twist or braid or something to keep the front hair out of my face...she basically did an "up do" using half a bottle of hair spray...)

The wedding was fun and it was nice to get a whole family picture...aren't we cute?! ;)

I love him. He is getting so big...even going potty in the big boy potty now :) Yesterday, I had him come over for a couple of hours for an auntie-nephew play date and apparently he is already asking my sister when he can come back.

Last Sunday, my dad came over to help me put together the new day bed I bought for the guest/foster kid room. It took us three tries to get it right, but I think it looks really nice. I (kind of) wish I would have taken a "before" picture because this room really was a disaster. Seriously, there was crap everywhere and had no sense of order. Of course, a portion of the crap is now on my bedroom floor and I still don't have a completely organized scrap-booking area in the basement, but it is a huge improvement! The tool chest and vacuum have since been removed, so I think a child really could sleep in there :) (There is no pillow on the Tinkerbell bed because the teen likes the silky material so it's on her bed) The teen's room actually looks halfway decent right now, so maybe I should take pictures of that room to post on here too.

Speaking of the teen...that is the reason behind the title of this post. During the past couple of weeks, she has stayed the night at my house about as many times as she has stayed at home. In that time (going back to August 6 in my "handy dandy notebook"), her mom contacted me once to bring her to her meeting at the school and once to see if I could bring her to a job interview (the same day she had me sign all the papers at school that she hadn't filled out/signed). Not once did she double check to make sure everything was "cool" or utter a thank you for not leaving her daughter stranded at work when she wouldn't answer her phone to let her know how she was getting home.

Then, last night, her mom decided to have one of her freak out crazy nights...I guess all these weeks of her leaving us be was too good to last. It does make me sad that she doesn't seem to give a sh*t, or enough to check in with me every once in a while (except when she needs something). However, that does make it much easier for the teen and I to "do our thing". I have no idea what set her mom off, but at 10:30 last night, I was getting a text message from her basically calling the teen a liar. Pretty soon after the text, she called me super ticked off saying she was going to go to the school and get to the bottom of all this lying and she was not going to be staying here any more. Then, at 11:00 she said she wanted her daughter home "now" even if she has to take a cab...then she texted that her friend couldn't come get her, so she could stay, but this was the "last night".

In between the "dialogue" with me, she was texting the teen and they "talked" (i.e. her mom yelled) a little on the phone too. I tried to sit back, but at one point looked over and the teen was sobbing. She hardly ever cries, especially in regards to the way her mom acts/treats her. So, I know whatever was being said/texted was hurtful. She also had had a rough day at school with a friend stealing her Algebra book and lying about it and a few of her friends were supposed to stay the night at my house with her but all backed out last minute, so that could have played a role in the tears too, but her mom was being completely irrational and unkind. It makes me so sad that her mom treats her like that. Her daughter is AMAZING and she has absolutely no clue. She handled the book stealing thing with tons of grace and maturity...I'm not sure I could have done it (especially the part about telling her friend she wasn't mad at HER, just upset that her friend was going to let her get in trouble for being unprepared for class since she didn't have a book). 

The "lying" her mom was accusing her of was partially in regards to a "group project" the teen said she was doing. The plan (before her friends all flaked) was that they would make their "little sister" costumes together. Instead, I helped her. You can't tell from the picture, but she spray painted the hat and it has brown pipe cleaners for hair. I made the diaper (with a little help from her) out of a white tablecloth (arts and crafts are NOT my thing, so it's pretty sad, but it worked!) Her little sister was to be Tommy from the Rug Rats...and her friends made costumes for the other characters from the show. I sent her mom a picture of the "evidence" she was, indeed, working on a project. She kind of accused me of lying too since she wondered why we were working on it so late, but I was at choir practice for 2 hours, so we weren't working on it the whole time (plus, I'm not crafty, so it took a lot more time than it should have!)...ugh!

So, here we go again...there's no telling how long she will be "banned" from coming to my house. The good news is that it doesn't usually last long, especially since it is WAY more convenient to put the responsibility of transporting, feeding, overall caring for the teen on me.

Until the next time...

Sunday, August 26, 9AM update...I got a call from the teen last night at 9:30 asking if she could come over since she couldn't reach her mom. She said she didn't care what her mom had said because she was basically stranded at work. I laughed and said sure. She didn't get to my house until nearly 11, but said her mom had texted her back that it was okay. She told me that her mom wasn't at all upset when she got home on Friday and didn't mention any of the "drama" from Thursday night. I guess this is a good example about why I/we shouldn't get too upset when she does her "crazy thing" because it rarely lasts long. She overslept this morning, but just got picked up for work. I had time to pack her a little bit of a lunch before she went (and threw in a pack of gum since I am pretty sure she didn't brush her teeth...)

Until the next time...

Senior Year

The teen started her Senior year on Thursday. During the past week, she has stayed the night at my house as many nights as she has stayed at hers. I think this is an okay arrangement for the time being. I love having her here and love that she feels comfortable here. We have both come a long way in the nearly 27 months that we have known each other. She is looking at college scholarships and has dreams of attending the University in a nearby city. Of course, she needs to bump up her ACT score to do that as well as boost her GPA, but she is acting very determined to stay focused and organized. She plans to continue working, but I have reminded her that school is her top priority (she had to pay $1100 to get started and will have to pay monthly tuition as well as her monthly Internet bill so she can do her homework at her house). She often has to take a cab home from work which is not cheap. I'm hoping that God continues to bless me with health and hours at work so I can help her financially if it starts getting tough to manage school and work (and her crazy mom).

I am so proud of her! She is excited to be starting her Senior year with all her friends. Her mom left her (and me) in limbo for over 3 months with the threat of her having to change schools and start over...not cool. She has a great advisor and everyone at the school is excited to see her back. Her school is all girls, so each Senior is paired with a Freshman "little sister". The last photo is from locker decorating (her little sister is "Keeley" and she got the polka dotted paper from my house :) She was pretty proud of it.

The first two pictures are from when she and I took my parents' Japanese student (a 17-year-old who stayed with them for a week) Downtown to one of our favorite places--feeding the ducks/geese. They swarmed us and it was a fun time. We also walked around Downtown and met up with the teen's friend and their "little sisters". I'm glad the teen helped me keep her entertained. She helped me last year when they had two students too :)

The other pictures are from when my dad, sister, and I took the Japanese student and my two nephews to the Zoo. It was a little warm and we walked the whole thing (and it's a big zoo!!) I was thankful to have the day off so I could join them. My first nephew is at a really fun age and loves hanging with his aunt (he thinks I'm fun :) ).

Tonight, I get to go to a cousin's wedding. My mom "forced" me to go shopping with her this morning so she could buy me some "nicer" dresses. I don't buy fancy/expensive stuff (and I guess since she bought, I still technically don't). It is kind of fun to have something new to wear. Then, she, my sister and I got pedicures and our hair done. Of course, the lady didn't listen to me. All I wanted was for her to wash it, dry it, and pull the front into a twist or braid to keep it out of my face. She did curls and poofed it up high in the front and kind of poofy in the back too. Thankfully, my sister went to cosmetology school, so she is going to fix it before the wedding tonight.

I've been really bad at keeping up with the blog, but it's been busy with work and taking care of the teenager (and the Japanese student this week too). I'm still set to open up my home to foster placement calls come September, so we shall see what happens with that...

Until the next time...

The Bitter and the Sweet

The teen starts her Senior year one week from today. I feel so blessed to have been able to watch her growth from an almost Sophomore who had little confidence in her abilities (and had never seen an outline or written a paper) to a Senior who has dreams of going to college. Even though she still lacks confidence and sometimes loses sight of her dreams (particularly after spending extended periods of time with her mom), it seems to be easier to snap her back into remembering that her dreams can become reality if she continues to work hard.

The "sweet" news of this week is that her mom FINALLY enrolled her at the school she's been attending since the second semester of her Freshman year. Prior to this school, I believe she attended a different school every single year (or at least switching every other year). She needed this stability, but, as all who read are aware, her mom doesn't really give a sh*t about what her kids need. It was a long three months of waiting and wondering and I couldn't say it better than the teen "it's a relief" was what she texted me. Yesterday, she went with a friend to decorate her "little sister"'s locker...a tradition that has been going on for over 20 years (each Senior is paired with at least one Freshman as Big Sister-Little Sister).

Her mom waited until the last minute to make her appointment with the school. I got a text message from her at 9:15 Monday morning asking if I was at work. I was not, but after a busy and stressful weekend at work, I was planning to sleep until I felt like getting up. She then texted that she had a meeting at 11, but never actually came out and asked for a ride...it is so irritating when people do that. I told her that I'd bring her there or take her home, but not both. She said she'd take the bus home, so I forced myself out of bed and got ready to pick her up. I asked if the teen was coming and she said she had to work. I offered to bring her to work if she didn't work until later, but she did not respond to that. During the drive to the school, she told me that the teen was at work. Well, come to find out, she really was not at work, she was "at home cleaning" (that's what she told the person at the school). Lying to my face after I'm going out of my way to help you is totally not cool.

The teen didn't come, but the little one did (and some friend that was in town visiting...I don't know what was up with that). The little one babbled, talked nonsense, and partially in baby talk the whole way. The bits and pieces I understood were present-day discussions about her "school" which in reality was the day care she attended when she lived with me and hasn't attended in nearly 11 months. It was like she was in a time warp. She has had no direction or stability at all during these months and is just lost...it was SO sad to witness that and how much she has regressed. Her mom said she is going to school, but the teen told me she is not. She will be FIVE on the 27th, so she really needs to be going to pre-K or Head Start or something otherwise she's going to be a six-year-old Kindergartner who doesn't know her letters, her numbers, how to interact with other children, how to sit down to complete tasks, etc...that poor Kindergarten teacher.

I'm almost glad that I don't have more contact with her because it makes me so sad. It's hard enough to see what kind of shape the teenager is in after she spends some time with her mom.

I'm not sure what is going to happen with her job once school starts. I think she should try to find a job closer to home since they are struggling with transportation all the time (eg. she often takes a $20 cab home...not too great when you "only" make $8.25 an hour). Her mom's solution is for her to buy a car ($1000) from her brother, but I don't think she understands that insurance, tax, license, and gas will not be cheap either. It's unfortunate because the teen likes her job and she has been able to make good money. She paid the $600 this week for school (her mom didn't put in anything AND I know the teen made a payment to the cable company among other things this week too). I'm not sure if she still has to pay for books or anything else or if that is it. The teen understands that she has been given a gift and I reminded her not to take it for granted and continue to work hard (her mom has no clue as she was "owed" this...she's not on my happy list this week, although I'm thankful the teen has an opportunity to graduate from this school).

So, the bitter and the sweet. I told my agency that I'd start accepting phone calls in September and I think I'm ready. I need some help putting together the day bed I bought, but the "new kiddo" room has come together really nicely. Of course, some of the junk was just relocated to other rooms in the house (mostly my bedroom), but I did do some "purging" and quite a bit of organizing. It will be nice to be a mom again (remind me I said this when I am wishing I had some alone time...ha!) I'm looking forward to seeing what God has in store for that part of my life journey. I want to continue to be present for the teen, so will be a little picky, but she will be a great person to have in a future foster child's life too.

Until the next time...

One Day at a Time

I have been really slacking in the blogging department, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I do a lot of venting on twitter (@ iloveblogs44) or because I feel kind of like a broken record...not much really has changed...

If the teen is going to school at the same school she has been attending (she thinks she is), it starts on the 16th and she is not yet enrolled (but her mom is working on getting a meeting for next week). According to her bank statement, she "spent" over $700 last month which is about what she made, so her mom has not been helping her save money for school (or the car that they both say she needs even though she doesn't have a license). It makes me ill (or want to cry) every time I see some kind of transaction that appears to be more (all?) of her mom's doing than hers, so if it keeps up, I may end up having to tell her she should just have her mom be her adult on the account. I did actually get to talk to her about it today and told her not to let her mom take advantage of her hard work (her pay check today for the past two weeks was nearly $800...she has been working her BUTT off!) I also cautioned her about the "dangers" of credit/debit cards because you can't really tell how much you are spending. $5 here, $15 there adds up, especially if you throw in some $50-$100 in there. She seemed to listen and did not get defensive (I made sure to start it by saying I was not at all being defensive and told her that it is hard for me to budget too).

She went a few days being really angry at me for some reason (likely mom-related lies if I had to take a guess). But, then I brought her home from work a couple of times last week (and actually ended up with an unprompted thank you...after a couple reminders that taking an hour out of my evening deserves a thank you at the very least!) Then, she stayed here last night and the night before since she didn't have a ride home and I was cozy on the couch in my pjs with a beer watching the Olympics. I'm pretty proud of myself for making her get a ride here (full disclosure: I WAS about to get up and get her on Wednesday, then I told her I'd bring her here, but not home, then I asked her to get a ride here...my sister text shouted at me since we were in the middle of watching the Olympics "together" when I was going to have to leave). So, I'd say things are pretty good there. She opted not to go to work today so we hung out and watched some Olympics and some Lifetime movies. I love her so much!

I haven't really seen the little one since the end of May. She was with her mom while the teen was living here. I did see her jumping on the bed by the window one night when I dropped off the teen and today I saw her running around outside with two of her brothers (even though her mom tells me all the time that she never lets her kids play outside, especially since they live in the projects...as if telling me that will make me think she is a better mother). I actually think it is kind of easier this way. She has had absolutely no structure and likely minimal discipline/"parenting" during this past 10+ months that she has been home. So, she's not quite as fun to be around. Plus, she has fallen behind since she hasn't been in any kind of school or day care setting and that makes me sad (my 3-year-old nephew can recognize all of his capitol and lower-cased letters and she can't even say that her first name starts with "L" or how to write it). From what the teen says, she won't be going to school this year either (she misses the cut-off for kindergarten and I guess her mom didn't sign her up for Head Start/pre-K in time). So, keeping my distance makes things a little easier for me. I'm cool with putting all my energy into making sure the teen turns out alright :)

Last week, one of the medical teams made a CPS referral for medical "neglect" of one of their patients.  I don't think the parents are being purposefully neglectful, but the child has had a number of hospitalizations and seems to thrive better in the hospital. I have told my agency that I needed to wait for calls until September due to having to work extra shifts this month. However, if that child was brought into care before then, I probably would say yes. CPS decided to give more in-home support and continue to monitor. But, the child stayed in the hospital and there was court scheduled for today. I  have to work both days this weekend, so wouldn't really be able to say "yes", so hopefully they got things figured out where the child can remain in the home.

Just having the thought of a potential placement (and just feeling "ready" to move forward) has motivated me to spend a little more time getting my house ready. I still think I'll keep the teen's room available for her since I think it is going to continue to be a struggle for her to get to and from school and to and from work without my support. So, I need to make my "junk room" into a bedroom free of clutter and things that I do not want any children getting into. Right now, my living room is "organized chaos" with boxes labeled from 2003-2012 filled with pictures, tickets, pamphlets, other memorabilia that I have saved. My goal is to get them organized so I can then scrapbook them. I saved pretty much every card or note that has ever been sent to me. I lived far away from home for over five years, so got lots of notes from my family. I have thrown away quite a few birthday card and Christmas cards, but I'm sure there will have to be another round of sifting through those items. I am so sentimental that it is hard for me to throw away things like that when people took time to think of me and tell me that!

That's pretty much all that's been going on around here. I just take one day at a time and try not to stress out about the teen and all that drama. It's hard sitting at home every night wondering if I'm going to get a late night "SOS" call and planning my response if it does come. I know I could drive myself insane if I don't keep reminding myself to take care of "me" too and know that I have already done a lot to improve her life and confidence. She told me last night that she may want to major in Sociology instead of Business because she thinks she may want to work for/run a non-profit of some sort. Prior to her coming into care, she had gone to a different school every year and I doubt she saw college as a possibility at all. I'm proud of her...and with that comes being proud of my role.

Well, back to the Olympics (and my beer...ha!) Go USA!
Until the next time...

Yikes!

Wow, it's been a while since I have written here (10 days to be exact!) The ups and downs and post-reunification drama has continued. I'm continuing to do the best I can and continue to be blessed by amazing people when I need love and support the most. Last week, I saw my "Spiritual Director" and went out with a foster/adoptive mom friend for her birthday. This week I see my Therapist and have lunch plans with two "old" friends (one I haven't seen in probably three years and the other I haven't seen in months). Tonight I got my hair cut for the first time since before my nephew was born in March and got to be at my mom and dad's for "family dinner".

I'm trying to fix up my "junk" room into a room that could be the "main" bedroom for a future placement. My aunt came over last week to help with that. I told the agency that I would start accepting phone calls in September since I had to sign up to work extra shifts in August and don't feel like that would be fair to a placement. Of course, that's "my" plan and I will keep an open mind and believe I will know if it feels right before then.

I love the teen so much, but the past week she has been acting very "teenager-like" and it isn't at all fun. I know she is struggling with adjusting to how things are with her mom after living here for seven weeks. I also know that it is much easier to lash out at me than her mom (I'm pretty scared of her mom too), so I'm trying not to take it personally. She is still not registered for school, even though it starts in less than a month.

This is really scattered and I'll try to write more details of what's been going this week some time (with updates as they come as it seems to change on a day-to-day basis).

Until then, good night.

Parent...or Friend?

I had a really rough night's sleep last night, which doesn't happen very often (thank goodness!) I woke up with my sheets all twisted up and then tossed and turned in what felt like a half asleep/half awake state with continued twisted sheets for a while. My stomach was churning so I got up to the bathroom a couple of times and finally was able to go to sleep...only to have some pretty interesting dreams before my alarm went off at 5:30 since I had a class at work that started at 7.

I had a hard time falling asleep too since my mind keeps cycling through different conversations and ways to handle the teenager "situation". I think that's what upset my stomach in the middle of the night too and why it was so hard to go back to sleep.

As I last wrote, she went home on Sunday after spending nearly seven weeks living here. During those weeks, I tried talking to her about this "fairy tale" she is living and get her to talk about her plans for the future/what she wants/how she sees my role in her life. But, as is the case whenever she is asked to speak, she shuts down and refuses to talk about anything significant. I spent all weekend trying to figure out how to tell her that I can't keep coming to the rescue, but that doesn't mean I'll stop loving her and caring about her...I never could get the words to come out (I'm pretty good at avoiding the tough stuff too).

My "plan" was to let her get adjusted at home for a few days and then come Wednesday or Thursday, I'd send her an "I love you" text, just so she remembered that I still care.

Then, Tuesday night, I was getting ready for bed and had just jotted down in my notebook where I keep all contact/communication information should I need it at a later date that I didn't have contact with the teen or her mom. I had a few missed texts from her mom within a minute of her calling at 10:09 PM to tell me that her aunt was supposed to pick up the teen from work, but she wasn't answering her phone. So, the teen had been waiting there at work for a while and didn't have a ride home. I let her know that I was in my pajamas and had to work the next day and she said the teen could just stay here overnight since it was closer or she could have the teen get a cab. She actually sounded pretty upset, even saying "I just can't rely on my family...I'm sorry I have to ask you..." So, I got in my car and picked up the teen from work.

She was a little more quiet than usual and texted a lot while we watched Pretty Little Liars (I was wondering how long I was going to have to save it on my DVR since I wasn't going to watch it without her...we always watch it together!) She told me that she had stayed the night before at her aunt's house (so, she only stayed Sunday night at her mom's). I asked if she had talked to her mom about school stuff and she said no. I reminded her again when I called her Wednesday afternoon from work that she can't wait, she needs to talk to her mom ASAP about the plans. I told her to think about what she wants and how this is going to work (because this is only the beginning of them having difficulty getting her home from work).

So, after an hour nap to offset my rough night's sleep, I called my trusty caseworker for a "pep talk". She knows the teen's mom (and the teen) and knows how things work with them. She also knows me really well. She agreed that I can't continue to be used by her mom and be expected to drop everything to help her/them. She encouraged me to sit the teen down and tell her that she HAS to make a decision about what she wants to do for school (since it starts in less than 5 weeks and she isn't enrolled anywhere and hasn't had her physical yet). She has to decide what she wants her future to look like and resolve those issues...I cannot do it for her...and she cannot continue to wait and see how it all works out because this isn't just going to "fix" itself.

She suggested I set a deadline for her and stick to the boundary of not dropping everything to help. As we talked, it became more clear the "parent" role versus the "friend" role. Even though I have done MANY things as a parent would/should treat her, I also like having her here as good company. So, I also have to "suck it up" and know that even if she feels let down/abandoned/like I'm being "mean" and is angry/upset for weeks (months?!), eventually, she will remember that I really have been there for her and teaching her how to make decisions and speak for herself is a skill she has to learn...even though it is hard. She won't avoid me forever because our relationship is too strong for that (even though it may FEEL like "forever"). It is making me sick worrying about if/when I'll be called if/when the next "crisis" occurs and that isn't fair (considering both of them are in their fairy tale lands where all is fine...), so I need to take steps to take care of myself too.

I realize that this is what other people have probably been trying to tell me, but it took talking it out this afternoon for me to understand that giving her a little extra push will hurt, but it will be for the best for both of us.

Will definitely update as I have time on how this all is working out...

Back Home

I brought the teen back home this afternoon. I actually haven't cried since before I brought her, so that's nine tear-free hours ;)

Her mom actually got home on Friday (July 6), but the teen decided she wanted to stay until after her work meeting yesterday since a friend offered to pick her up from my house. Then, she made plans to do something with another friend she hasn't see all summer that ended up falling through (that friend does that to her all the time, unfortunately). But, still she stayed...and I cried wondering when she was going to go home (and going through conversations in my head of how to talk to her about me needing to set boundaries without hurting her feelings/having her feel like I don't care anymore because I have to protect my heart too...) 

Then, she came out of her room and told me we should go to a movie. Um, okay, sure, of course, I'd love to hang out with you some more. So, we went to a 2:30 showing of the movie Ted. We both laughed :) I needed that...and am sure she did too. We were home before dinner time and still no word from her on when I was going to be taking her home. 

Even though she wouldn't admit it, it definitely felt like she was procrastinating going home. I was torn between not wanting to drag on the inevitable and enjoying the extra hours/minutes she was giving us (and it was "almost" as torturous as her angry "threat" earlier in the week of leaving without saying good-bye). At one point, she said she had been trying to get in touch with her mom, but she hadn't responded yet and told me "it would be stupid to go home if she isn't there". Okay, interesting logic since you have a key, but I'll just go with it... Just after 9:00, her mom called her and they decided she would just stay the night again since it was late and her mom wasn't going to get a window a/c until today and it's hot.

I watched five (or six) movies yesterday. Most of them we watched together. We watched lots of movies together the past couple of weeks (ever since I got the LMN...ha!) I tried to talk to her, but pretty much chickened out in saying much more than I love her and will miss her. 

We were up past 1:00 watching a movie, but I go to 11:00 church, so it was okay :) I told her I'd bring her home after church. When I got home, I noticed right away that she'd washed all the dishes that were piled up in the sink (as if I needed another reason to miss having her around!) She was in her room listening to music even though she had to have heard me get home. I waited about 20 minutes before knocking on her door to see what the plan was. She sighed and said she hadn't gotten in touch with her mom, but we should go anyway. She commented on the number of bags she had (3 plus her laptop) and I reminded her that she's been living here for seven weeks, so that's understandable. She refused to let me help her with them.

The drive back to her house was pretty quiet with her staring out her window. I told her that I loved her, reminded her to talk to her mom about the school stuff since it starts in six weeks, encouraged her not to give up on what is important to her and to fight for herself. She tried to get out of the car without a hug, but of course I didn't let her ;)

She's supposed to do a volunteer thing with me on Saturday morning, so I should see her then, but I have no idea what to expect in the days between now and then. My "plan" is to try and be on the "down low" and leave them be for a while to readjust to life together (seven weeks is a long time!) I will not commit to saying "no" this week because I know that if the teen asks me to pick her up from work (or bring her somewhere), I won't be able to say no to her. They do need to figure out how to function without me, but I'm not going to stop loving her and wanting what's best for her.

This could be a rough week (for both of us), but she needed to go home so they can discuss the plans for the future and work through their issues.

Until the next time...

Fireworks

This has been a tough week...at home and at work. I'm working the holiday, so that's 3 days in a row (yesterday, today, and tomorrow). We have busy patients and lots of them. Yesterday was a hard day since I was still dealing with the events of the night before. I got some great advice from mom's of teens and was encouraged to "let it go". I did break down in tears a couple of times, but not until after I got a call for another placement--a 17-year-old girl and her toddler--who needed temporary placement. I had to turn it down because I had no clue what was going on with "my" 17-year-old and wasn't emotionally in the right place to jump right in. The caseworker who called me filled in when mine was on leave and she is great too. She told me she was on call for the holiday and to call if I needed anything...I love my agency!

As it turned out, the teen did decide to come back to my house after work yesterday. (She answered my calls to the house twice yesterday, so I figured she'd come around, but wasn't sure...she really did pack her bags.) She was asleep when I got home from going to a baseball game/fireworks show with my family.

Today she has been more "normal", but not quite back to her chatty self. I got advice to not mention what happened and let her talk about it if/when she's ready. I think both of us overreacted and were dealing with the upcoming changes in our own way. Also, she's a teenager and teens can be kinda crazy sometimes. Also, I KNOW she's going through a lot of emotions. She hasn't seen her siblings (or any relatives for that matter) in over a month...and that is her MOM'S doing, not the State's "fault". She has to be feeling at least some sort of feeling of abandonment (considering this isn't the first time her mom has "left" her), even though she is in a safe and loving place and also loves her mom.

So, the combination of the two of us and our "messes" didn't jive too well, but it did get me some great advice, love, and support from amazing friends :)

Her mom texted me today that she'll be home tomorrow (and her mom is coming with her...shocker) and "thanks for everything"...at least she gives me some "thanks", even though she has no clue what I really have done/do because I love her daughter the way a mom should.

So, she'll be going home soon...and then I wait and see what happens from there. They need to learn how to work things out without me, so I am sure I'll need some pep talks on saying no...that's going to be tough.

Back to work tomorrow, but at least all seems well here at home and for that I am grateful.