Just Keep Swimming

I can hardly believe how sporadically I've blogged since Zoe came to live here in September. It's only gotten worse since Ivy came to live here in February! I really need to blog more because it definitely helps...and it's really sad that I don't have time/energy to do it.

I don't remember it being this hard with the teenager and the little one last time, but this is a lot of work! Zoe has her medical needs, five day a week visits, school five days a week, and really isn't a great listener, especially when she is tired (which is most of the time because of her crazy schedule she has to keep because someone thought her mom needed to see her five days a week for three hours...it still sucks even after doing it for over seven months). I had NO idea what I was signing up for when I agreed to take Ivy. Unbeknownst to me, she has significant gaps in her social skills to the point that her guidance counselor told me they weren't sure she'd be able to live independently...say what?! I was totally unprepared for a 17-year-old with the maturity of a 12-year-old (my dad says she acts like she's 9 or 10, but I'll go with 12-13). It's not all her fault, but that doesn't make it any easier :(

Ivy has a guardian, but he is married, works full time, and has teenagers of his own. After my last counseling session, I asked if he and his family (sisters/brothers/nieces/nephews) could take her once a week for a few hours to help me in role modeling appropriate behavior so it isn't all on me. She annoys me so much and I feel bad saying it, but there really isn't much that is enjoyable about having her live here (other than knowing she is happy and that I'm "doing a good thing"). She irritates me even when she is sleeping, so I really hope that her guardian will get her counseling ASAP (as well as help me send her away to summer camp for a few weeks this summer...I can't wait for summer to be here so I can be with Zoe, but I'm kind of dreading summer with Ivy...can't have it both ways, unfortunately).

My family has been a huge help with Ivy (and Zoe) and I have a lot of support, but the day-to-day is still pretty stressful. Thankfully, work hasn't been awful, but I do work 12-hour shifts three days a week, so those days are tiring without having to come home to two former only children who want my undivided attention and I'm only one person.

Yes, I did sign up for this, so I often feel like I shouldn't complain (actually, one of my friends told me that God called me to do this and I obeyed, so maybe I can just blame Him ;) ) It's also difficult because my former teen doesn't seem to be doing so hot right now (my only "contact" has been seeing her bank account be depleted by her mom and her advisor telling me she's failing a couple of classes...hopefully she will graduate and be able to get out of the house, but things don't sound good). I try to quickly send away my guilty feelings about not being able to do anything for her right now because I'm stretched to the max with the two kids I have living here (I do pray for her and have sent a couple of texts, but that's about all I can do and I don't like that).

 Zoe is getting big (I think she weighs over 41 pounds now! She turned 5 last week) and her cystic fibrosis is finally under control. It took a LOT of work to get to a stable point and we are still doing nebulized antibiotics every day along with her 10 other medications, but she's pretty darn healthy by cystic fibrosis standards and I'm proud of that. Her verbal skills are coming along, although it's still frustrating that they wouldn't ever consider a speech evaluation and just chalk it up to being bilingual. I'm going to see if I can get someone to help me with my Spanish so we can practice that here at home too. I'm not sure what way this case will go, but I've experienced some reverse discrimination since I'm not Hispanic and don't speak Spanish (even though Zoe has me read books to her in Spanish all the time...I don't think I butcher them TOO badly!) The next hearing to talk about relative placement isn't until July 24 and it doesn't sound like they will try to place with mom before then, but who knows. (I'm trying not to think about the possibility of her going home and leaving me alone with Ivy...I don't know how I'd survive without a "buffer", but hopefully things will have drastically improved before it comes to that!)

Here are some pictures...it isn't ALL bad, but it's nice to get some of the stressful stuff off my chest :)

Until the next time...

Long Overdue

Zoe has lived with me six months today. Her schedule keeps me on my toes (treatments, medications, school, visits five days a week, plus being almost five!), but we have so much fun when we actually can spend time together :) The snow day pictures are from a couple weeks ago, but new to the blog :)

Her mom goes back to court on Friday. Her mom's lawyer is going to ask for her to be placed with mom's sister. Zoe's GAL came this morning and wouldn't tell me or my worker if he was in support of that move or not. However, he informed me that I will be called to the stand to testify and explain all of her treatments, medications, diet, and what her daily schedule looks like. Even though I know it by heart, it is still nerve wracking to think about speaking on the stand in front of people critiquing my every word. I know I need to stick to the facts and not put any emotion into my answers, but it isn't going to be easy.

This afternoon, we had a family team meeting. What I took away from that meeting is that the State isn't going to recommend placement with the aunt at court, but I am cautiously optimistic and know that I could easily be wrong. There was discussion about the case manager coming to see us at my house next week and a family team meeting next month, so hopefully I'm not reading too much into that (they also weren't quick to say that the aunt can provide supervision for the mom, so that also makes me think they aren't 100% on board with a move...at least not this week). The cultural liaison made a backhanded compliment saying that Zoe's mom just isn't as firm (aka parent-like ;) ) with her as I am to make her behave and she needs to work on that. Other than that, she didn't speak to me much. It's still annoying that she thinks three hour visits five days a week isn't enough, but I'm trying to just go with the flow as much as I can...it doesn't do any good to fight that which is out of my control anyway.

Ivy drives me bonkers a lot of the time, but she is making progress in some areas, so I need to take some deep breaths and try to focus on those. I find myself biting my tongue a lot and reminding myself to pick my battles and that some things just don't require a response. She is used to being an only child who could do pretty much whatever she wanted/eat whatever she wanted. She's a nice girl, but socially awkward with seemingly limited critical thinking skills. (I was told tonight that people with ADD have no filter, so that helps ;) ) Last week, she was fighting with Zoe because Zoe moved the hallway rug to be by her room instead of by Ivy's to the point that she took it from Zoe and hid it so she couldn't have it. I was sitting on the couch laughing and wondering if this was really happening. Tonight, she spilled an entire glass of milk all over the table, the floor, and the chair and chalked it up to being a klutz. Later during dinner, Zoe dripped a little bit of her milk and it was the end of the world and Ivy couldn't BELIEVE that Zoe would spill her milk like that, etc. because HERS was just an accident and Zoe was messing around. Seriously, this is happening in my house. She said she likes dinner better when it is just us and I wanted to tell her that Zoe was here first and dinner time was much less stressful before she came, but of course I didn't say anything. 

She is doing a lot better at cleaning up after herself (and putting away the dishes and laundry which is both of our stuff) and she actually tasted chili last night (she is super picky and rarely willing to try new things). Her grades were better this quarter than they were last semester, and she does seem happy (even though she complains a lot and gets all worked up over little things like Zoe moving my keys/putting her shoes in places where I can't always find them).

Some days are better than others, but such is life as a parent. I still believe that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, even though it is often exhausting and challenging to have so little control over what's going on in my life. I don't want Zoe to go home (or to her aunt's)...at least until Ivy stops driving me crazy because I need that buffer/distraction/reason to walk away. 

Things are still good, but I had no idea how hard this was going to be...even though there was no reason to think that parenting other peoples' children would be easy ;)

Until the next time...I could use some prayers/good thoughts, especially come Friday afternoon when I'm on the stand advocating for Zoe while just stating the facts. Court is at 1:15 CST.

Adjusting

Two things I need to remember:

Parenting is hard.
Parenting two kids who are not yours/you did not give birth to is hard.

Ivy moved in just over a week ago (on February 3). Apparently, she told everyone at school she is really excited to be living here (she even cried tears of happiness when talking to her English teacher about having her own room). I went to my/her high school fundraiser on Saturday night and I was thanked over and over for taking her in and told what a great thing it is. Those things definitely help and will also be things I need to remember as we adjust to living together (since she will be here at least 15 more months...not that I'm counting or anything).

She is a really picky eater and told my parents and me that she wasn't encouraged to try new things (really?!) She was super jealous that Zoe got to have a visit at McDonald's last week...um, not going there if we can help it! She loves sugary junk food and I don't think she's eaten a single vegetable since she's been here. My parents usually have dinner at their house on Sundays and they will help encourage her to try things/eat more healthy (love my parents!) She also doesn't seem accustomed to cleaning up after herself (as in, spilling milk from her cereal on the table and leaving it, not rinsing off her syrupy plate...) I have had her help clear off the dinner table/help with dishes, so I'm hoping the rest will come.

It's only been a week...baby steps...and lots of patience. But, I can see how someone not in the right frame of mind to be patient during a transition could freak out and be done with it/her.

Zoe's case has really been stressing me out and also really emotional. Sometimes I feel like I'm the one on trial with traps being set to see what I will do. I think the severity of her medical needs has been swept aside and the issue more often addressed is culture/language (which sometimes ends in pointed fingers that I am not bilingual or of her same culture...). I have been treated pretty poorly by the cultural liaison, but hopefully that has been addressed (not before lots of stress and tears).

Last week, I had to leave work because Zoe had a fever at school. My job is not really something you can leave in the middle of, but luckily someone was on call. Unfortunately, she had just left to walk her dog and was 20 minutes away from home. I need a better back-up plan, but who can (or wants to) watch a sick foster kid with medical needs? No one. So, it took me 2 1/2 hours to pick her up after the initial call that she had a fever. My patients were a mess and I felt awful leaving my co-worker to clean up everything. I hope she didn't have a horrible day. She was sobbing when I got there and did not look like she felt well at all, so I felt awful. However, she started talking as soon as we got in the car and the highest temperature I got at my house was 100.9 (it was up to 102.7 at school). She actually quietly played for a little while before I had her take a nap. I tried calling the case manager multiple times to cancel the visit and she finally responded with a text that they "don't cancel visits for that". I completely lost it and continued to cry for well over an hour. I had to wake her up to send her on a visit (which ended up being at McDonald's and then at her aunt's house with a five-month-old baby present...making matters even worse). So, I missed most of that day of work and had to call in sick on Friday which meant I only worked one shift and I doubt I have enough PTO to cover the rest of the hours not cool.

The tears were likely worse because the day before at our family team meeting, there was discussion about moving to semi-supervised visits which makes me want to vomit. Also, it "came up" during the meeting that her visit would be canceled, so I had to rearrange my entire afternoon AND evening in order to get her from school and get her treatment done and medication given (since I had already dropped everything off at the day care). The case manager said "so, can you get her from school?" I was kind of rude, but said "well, I'm not going to LEAVE her there!" I love spending time with Zoe and we had a good afternoon with Ivy (and also on Friday when Ivy happened to be off school too).

So, we are adjusting as good as can be expected I guess. I know things will get better (and worse, and better again ;) ). On Zoe's non-sick-sick day, we made a Valentine's Day canvas for her mom...since it was fun and also proof I'm not heartless. We also went to a bilingual show at the children's theater, so take that cultural liaison ;)

Your support and prayers are much appreciated!
Until the next time...

(I added 2013 to the bottom, but not her name since there

isn't one consistent spelling of it...nice since she's going to 

Kindergarten in the fall.)

Moving In

I found out on Thursday that Ivy's background check is complete, so she could move in whenever. I told her Guardian and he let her know. She was so excited that she texted me right away. Earlier in the week, she had asked to be my fb friend and she also posted right away on fb how excited she was to move in. Last night, she listed me as her "mother" on fb (so she is my daughter on mine...) I'm really glad she is so excited, but I'm really rather nervous about the whole thing!

The past week has been rough dealing with "the system" and running all around town for Zoe-related things. I've been told that Ivy is a laid back kind of girl and Zoe is REALLY good at transitions, so that helps a lot. I know that I just need to be patient with myself more than anything! The girls will be fine and everything will be great if we take things slowly and give each other time to adjust to the "new normal" that hopefully won't be "crazy town" for too long! I think that simply knowing that I will need to create balance for myself and both girls as well as understanding that things won't be "perfect" right away (or ever, because what's perfect?!) will help me a lot. Also, having a lot of support will be awesome :)

In Zoe news, we will have a family team meeting on Wednesday. The manager of her day care will be there and the new case manager has said it will be a meeting to iron out the details and get everyone on the same page. I'm really excited about that!

Well, there's the update from here. I pretty much cleared off the kitchen table and will tidy up the living room during Zoe's treatment in the morning. My bedroom remains a disaster and I need to get all my tax stuff together before next Saturday's appointment, but at least the (main level) "shared" areas will be presentable.

Your good thoughts and prayers for all of us during this transition are much appreciated :)

Worried for Nothing

I was running a little behind this morning getting Zoe ready for school, her treatments and medications given, and getting myself ready for court. After I dropped her off at school, I realized that I was still wearing the purple moccasins I put on to take out of the trash instead of dress shoes...oops. Thankfully, I made it there on time...only to discover that there wasn't really a hearing today.

We thought it was an evidentiary hearing (because that's what the Judge said in December) to talk about placement with her aunt. I was there, along with my worker, her mom, aunt, and the cultural liaison. It turned out just to be a check/review with only attorneys and workers talking to the Judge. So, I think everything is going to stay the same at least until the actual evidentiary hearing on March 8.

Unfortunately, the non-hearing hearing wasn't without drama. I have had issues with the "cultural liaison" since the beginning. She seems to not like me for some reason and I guess the feeling is mutual. She always seems to find really hurtful things to say (which then upsets me more that I let her get to me). She also has NO CLUE what it takes to take care of Zoe and refuses to acknowledge the fact that her mom HAS NOT been taking good care of her for the past four years which is why she is so sick now. Yes she has a chronic, progressive disease, but one of the big reasons she is so sick this early in her life is because of medical non-compliance on the part of her mom. Today, my worker pointed out that her mom continues to be non-compliant with Zoe's specialized diet. The cultural liaison said something to her mom which had an excuse and then she basically told us we were wrong...even though I have a notebook with (nearly) every single thing her mom has given her to eat and drink the past 4+ months. Then, she said something to me that I found rude/hurtful (my worker didn't think she meant it this way, but I did)--she basically said that the only reason Zoe hasn't been in the hospital since she's been with me is because I have a "relationship" with the team (as in, her mom wasn't given a chance to properly take care of her outside the hospital or something else equally ridiculous).

It is so frustrating that she sees me as the bad guy for some reason. She "reminds" me all the time that Zoe should be with her family. I agree that kids should be with their family IF they can properly take care of them! Her mom gets visits five days a week from right after school until 7:00. So, after her visits, I have to get her a snack, bath, book, and to bed at a decent hour (try to anyway). On the mornings I am off, I get her up, get her treatments done and medications given and get her to school. She thinks her aunt should have visits separate from her mom, meaning weekend visits. I'm all about Zoe getting to see her family, but I don't want to be her chauffeur and the one doing all her "cares" and never get to just "be" with her or do any sort of entertainment activity. We both like to go places--shopping, out to eat, to the Zoo, the Children's Museum, shows at the children's theater, play with my friends' kids and my nephews, etc. and it is already limited to the weekend (if I'm off!) because we can't do anything during the week (I can't do really anything during the week either!) I DO understand that she's "not my kid", but this schedule would be completely impossible if I had other children/responsibilities. Pretty much my entire life revolves around Zoe, so I don't feel guilty about feeling "entitled" to some fun times with her.

Anyway, that's a super long post about how "nothing" happened today and I should have Zoe for another two months. She still has a lung infection, but they are going to let me continue to treat her at home with nebulized antibiotics and oral antibiotics...such is life with cystic fibrosis :(

Until the next time...

Change Is Coming

Last Wednesday afternoon, I got a call from the Principal at my high school (also where "the teen" is a Senior...wow!). One of the Juniors (I'm going to call her Ivy) lost her mom right before Thanksgiving. She was a single mom whose parents had helped raise Ivy until they both died within the last two years. Her mom had one sister who is also deceased. It sounds like all she has is one first cousin (who lives 1200 miles away and has a baby with a brain tumor) and a couple second cousins, none of which are all that close. One of her second cousins became her Guardian and took her in while her mom was sick (she died within 5 weeks of finding out she had cancer). Unfortunately, his wife has a mental illness and lashed out at Ivy early last week and gave him an ultimatum that either Ivy goes or she does. Ivy has been living with her friend from school whose parents are going through a divorce. So, she needs a place to live and someone to love on her and help her "grow up"...and my name came up in conversations at the school. I said "sure" (of course!) and met Ivy last Friday. She actually was pretty open about herself and what had been going on (even though she is shy and likely a bit "socially awkward" among her peers). They were planning to give her a couple of options and let her decide.

Unfortunately, it hasn't been that simple. Because I am a foster parent (who has current placement), anyone over the age of 16 living here must have a background check. I COMPLETELY understand the rationale behind that, but background checks have been taking up to two months in my State. That is way too long for this girl to wait :( After some disheartening words from my mom and sister (both of them asked if I would get "paid" as their first response upon hearing her story...I wondered how it is that I am related to them :( ), my parents said that Ivy could stay with them until her background check is done and she can "officially" live with me. I talked to my caseworker today and she said that once it's in the works, she can hang out here and maybe even stay the night, I just can't leave her alone with Zoe and can't/shouldn't broadcast that she is "living" here. Of course, she still has to "choose" my home as where she wants to be, but things seem to be headed in that direction. I am meeting with her Guardian tomorrow to see what he thinks.

So, if you could be in prayer for her and for me as this will be quite an adjustment. I haven't yet told the teen that "her" room will no longer be "hers"...even though she hasn't stayed the night here in nearly three months. I have barely talked to her since Zoe came to live here, but did get to see her briefly last Monday. I hope she will be "ok" with it and understand that I will always be here for her and my door will always be open (and I have plenty of other places to sleep!)

Zoe is doing great. I (with the help of her teacher!) have kind of "chubbed" her up which is awesome! It is really important for kids with cystic fibrosis to have extra calories (and extra weight) to help fight off infections and grow :) She doesn't eat that well for her mom, but her mom also still struggles with her behavior during treatments (behavior that isn't seen when anyone else does them). The next hearing is January 15 and my guess is there will be enough information for them to send her to live with her aunt (or at least "give it the old college try"...I hope she does well, but I'm not convinced she can/will do all it takes to keep Zoe healthy).

We got pictures taken a couple of weeks ago and I got the disc back on Sunday. I don't "love" the way I look in most of them, but there are a couple that are "bloggable" which made me really excited. I wish I could post others because they turned out great, but at least I can post one or two :)

I'll try to be a better blogger ;) I need to do my "One Word  365" wrap up post!

Still Shocked

This was a rough weekend at work, so I took yesterday off from posting (and today kind of too, since I'm doing a "re-post"). I have been taking care of the same patient nearly every shift for the past three(+) months. I like her, her mom, and her siblings, but her dad is often hard to take. I was starting to get really stressed out by his behavior, particularly the way he treats other people (he is not usually as awful to me as he is to my colleagues), so was really hoping for a "break" from the drama this weekend to "fill my cup" with patients whose families actually appreciate what we do. Argh! (Being able to vent here is one of the (many) reasons this blog is "anonymous"...)

Anyway, I was so thankful when I went to work on Saturday morning that I was indeed going to get a "break", so maybe the "F-bombs" I've dropped at work in recent days would not be necessary. I was thrilled to get to take care of a girl I cared for 5 years ago because she was super sweet and her family is great. Of course, it stinks that she was in the hospital, but I figured we'd have a good/fun day anyway. :)

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. She ended up being pretty sick and things weren't quite right, so I transferred her to the ICU around 11:30 in the morning since she had more medical needs than could be handled when I had two other patients to care for. She seemed to be better by the end of the shift, so I decided not to go back and visit her before I left knowing that I would be working again on Sunday.

When I arrived at work on Sunday morning, it was to a room of distraught people who directed me to the "board" that informed all of us that she had passed away during the night shift. I still can't believe it and do regret that I didn't give her mom one last hug before leaving for the night...although I am thankful that I gave her younger sister a really long one earlier in the day because that is something I will remember. I also have some good memories of her, including some from Saturday morning when she was pretty out of it.

Kids dying is one of the "job hazards" of being a pediatric nurse and I don't think it ever gets "easier" (because, seriously, if you aren't sad about kids dying, you aren't human). I am, however, thankful that I make a point to have relationships with my patients so when they "go away" (whether home or to their Heavenly home), I have memories that can stay in my heart forever.

Her "sleep mask" was lost in the linens during the move to the ICU, but found on Sunday after she had died and brought to the floor by someone in housekeeping. Today, I mailed it to her family along with a note as well as a picture I found from the summer of 2007. I'm thankful I "blogged" about it because I must have deleted that picture from my camera!

My thoughts and prayers are with her family at this time...she was a very special girl and will definitely be missed.

Originally posted May 31, 2007
(My sixth blog post ever!)

Organ and tissue donation is an issue very close to my heart because of the work I do. Because of this, I decided earlier this year that I wanted to run the 10K at the "Life-a-Thon" this year, an event to promote organ and tissue donor awareness and also to celebrate donor families. Five or six years ago, I did a couple 10Ks and a few 5Ks, but hadn't really run much since then. When it was about 5 weeks before the race, I decided it was time to "train". My training consisted of running 5 or 6 times, the farthest being 4 miles 5 days before the race. Somehow I managed to run the entire race (it took me a little over 70 minutes to run the 6.2 miles, but I did it!). I think it was because of the cause (and probably a few special angels cheering me on!). The photo above is me after the race with a transplant recipient and her sister, who probably will also need a transplant someday.


***More than 94,000 Americans are currently waiting for an organ transplant. Over 2,000 of them are children. Approximately 17 patients die each day, before receiving their lifesaving organ transplant due to the organ donor shortage.***

Neverending Day

I'm excited that it is almost 10:00 because then I think I will go to bed. For some reason, this day seems to have been never-ending. I suppose that isn't necessarily a bad thing since many days go by too fast, but it just has felt like it has gone on and on!

Maybe it's because I got up at 6:15 AM on a day I did not have to work. So, at this point, I've been up for over 15 1/2 hours and it isn't because I spent 12 1/2 working. I typically do not get up early on my days off work, or if I do, I end up taking a nap.

I got up early today because I was a "medical" volunteer at an event for foster children. It was sponsored by one of the other agencies in town who host a two day CEU event for foster parents and arrange activities for their children and current placements. It was only the second event I had done with this group and I had no idea what to expect (or what was expected of me because I may be a pediatric nurse, but I pretty much just know how to do hospital things...I guess my "role" would be to keep people calm and call 911 if there were any emergencies!) I was put with the K-5th grade kids, but was just going to do the morning since I had a choir event at 1:00. It may have been in the original email that I didn't fully read, but when I got there, I found out that they would be taking that age group to a Build-a-Bear place at the mall across town and then to a day care for lunch. (Unfortunately, my choir event was right near the original meeting place, so I had to drive across town and then planned to drive all the way back. However, the weather was bad today and I didn't make it to my choir event which was sad.) So, I did not ride on the bus to the mall (which is probably okay!)

I had no idea how many kids there were until they arrived at the mall. I never guessed there would be 120 of them! Yes, 120 kids at the Build-a-Bear store, each to make their own bear. Wow. Seriously. I found myself a chair right outside the store so I could observe and be available if someone needed a band-aid or something. So, I wasn't inside watching any sort of chaos that I figured would occur with that many children in a small store. However, these children were AMAZING! I think it ended up taking two hours to get all the groups through the whole process of getting a bear, a heart, naming it, getting a birth certificate, stuffing it...the whole bit. They had about half the kids outside the store in the mall and the other half inside and even the kids in the mall area acted great (for the most part...boredom did kick in toward the end, but I definitely didn't blame them because two hours is a LONG time!) I was really impressed (and also thankful that I didn't have to be in the store and also wasn't responsible for keeping them in control!)

After all the bears were made, I drove to the place where they were having lunch so I could "hand off" to my replacement, but she wasn't there and I was intending to go to choir, so I left...right into the bad weather. The visibility was stinky and the roads were pretty slick since it was right on the border between freezing and not freezing, so it was slush then ice, then slush, etc. I knew I wouldn't make it, so I drove home. I had been going slowly, but took a turn right by my house a bit too quickly and spun into the next lane. It was SO scary, but thankfully there were no cars coming in either direction. Needless to say, I let my parents pick me up and drop me off for my pedicure in their four-wheel-drive so I didn't have to go out again...I really don't like to drive and there were cars getting stuck, but I wanted to meet my mom and sister for pedicures, so we worked it out ;)

I think I ate dinner around 5:00 since all I had for lunch was an Orange Julius. So, I think that probably made the day seem longer too since I'm used to eating pretty late after work. Thankfully, one of my co-workers was on fb, so we chatted for quite a while. She let me vent about that patient's dad and asked if I was okay taking her so much. She shared that the dad was talked to last night and will likely get talked to again on Monday about the way he treats us. Hopefully it helps! She also let me know that management may try to force a couple of people to work Christmas two years in a row. The staff is trying to fight it because that's really not fair since we HAVE a "fair" way of splitting holidays so you only have to work Christmas every three years.  That meeting will be on Monday...it will be interesting to see what happens. I picked up New Year's Eve and the day after New Year's, so I doubt they would force me to work Christmas too (Thanksgiving was my holiday), but you never know.

While on fb, I also talked to the sister of one of my patients who passed away four years ago. She "randomly" messaged me and told me she missed me "so much"! It was really sweet and definitely makes the sad/challenging parts of my job worth it. She is now 12, but she was only about 5 when I met her. I spent lots of time with her and her younger sister while her brother was in the hospital taking them to the park, my church festival, etc. They also spent at least one Thanksgiving with my family and my family adopted their family for Christmas two or three of the years they lived here while her brother was receiving medical care. Knowing how much of an impact I made on her at a young age with "sporadic" meetings reminds me of why I have chosen to be a foster parent. It is awesome to know that one person can change a child's life forever (even after they go back home and you don't see or talk to them for months/years).

The weather and the sleeping in make me glad that I'm on a "break", but those kids this morning and that chat this evening do give me a little bit of an "itch" to start getting calls for my next placement...not yet! Plus, my house is a mess and I need to figure out what, if anything, I'm going to do with the bedrooms for future placements. They definitely worked "perfectly" for the girls, but maybe not-so-much for a different age of child, and/or different "behavior"...I suppose time will tell.

I did manage to put the rest of the ornaments on the tree and took out a lot of my decorations. I think I'm only going to do one tree this year instead of the three that we did last year. However, I guess if the little one wants to decorate a little tree when she's here on Friday (hopefully here on Friday), we can do it then. I also forced myself to put away laundry and load/run the dishwasher before I could take a "chips and salsa break".

It sounds like there were/are some exciting college football games on TV today, but I actually didn't watch much of them. It will be fun to watch Bowl games on my new TV :)

Back to work tomorrow...and it's after 10, so I don't feel lazy going to bed this early (I've been up for 16 hours and didn't take a nap, so that's pretty good for me too!)

Good night.

When Things Are Good

I was getting annoyed the other day when I was checking the web site of one of my patients. The family seems to only post when things are not going well or when there are things to complain about. Rarely do they post about the positive things. Their child has shown a tremendous amount of progress in the past days/weeks and yet an extended period of time went by with no post to mention that. Then, the one post that comes during this "good" spell is only partially positive and still rings with negativity. I suppose that is why it is suggested that we don't read these things, but "everyone" does. It does probably cause some unnecessary irritation when you are caring for that patient and the family posts negative things about that day, but I must remember that everyone has a right to "vent" (one reason that I have an anonymous blog!) However, it's frustrating when you are doing everything in your power to give the patient and their families the best experience possible (while dealing with sometimes VERY sick patients) and the only information they are sharing with the "world" is negative.

So, I decided that I should write something good about work. I got caught up in the negativity and "gossip" that was taking place over the weekend and was reflecting on that when I was visiting with my spiritual director on Monday. I often try to stay out of these kinds of conversations, sometimes to the point of walking away, which may make me seem anti-social. I've kind of grown accustomed to being "unpopular" while at the same time "likeable". Even though participating (maybe even starting) in those kinds of conversations helped me "fit in", it didn't leave me feeling that great, since that isn't really "me". It did carry on into today when I shared that during one of my "snooze button dreams" this morning I told our assistant manager to "stop being a b*t** (and promptly was written up...in my dream) and told another couple of nurses that I try to work on Wednesdays because our manager doesn't work Wednesdays (not 100% true, but I won't say that the thought never crosses my mind!)

Anyway, things in the management sense aren't that great right now, but I have been reminded of why I love my job so much. I work on a pediatric floor, so we have patients from infants all the way though teenagers (and sometimes young adults). However, it seems like lately I've been taking care of A LOT of teenagers...and have found that I really enjoy working with them. I think it's probably my experience of dealing with "the" teen for 16 months. My dad also enjoys working with that age and coaches 7th and 8th grade girls basketball.

Even though days like today ended up being a little stressful, I also had fun teasing the teenagers (I did a LOT of that over the weekend!) and making the most of a situation that is really not pleasant for them. I also once again witnessed today how GREAT my floor can work as a team. I had a new patient come around 5:00 and at one point soon after she arrived, she said something like "can you get any more people in here?!" Seriously, there were 3 nurses and a nursing assistant in there helping to make sure she and her parents were adequately settled in. The doctor arrived very quickly after that and things got set in motion very fast to get her the care she needed. Even the doctors commented on how well we did things even though she needed a CT and then an IV and then an MRI and then get moved to the ICU...all which was done by 7:45! There was so much coordinating and moving going on (right at the end of our LONG shift), but everyone took it all in stride, helping me with giving other patients' medications, transporting, making phone calls and giving her the best care possible. I think it would have been really cool to watch from "above" (I even managed to keep my cool which I don't always do when I'm stressed out!) to witness teamwork in action.

I do love my job...at the end of the day, I love my job. I love my patients and their families. I love that (most of) my co-workers can put aside any differences and help each other have the best shift possible. I love being able make a difference in peoples' lives just by being there. As my bio says, I have been taking care of "younger people" for as long as I remember (my sister is 23 months younger than me and I was the oldest grandchild on both sides of the family) and I have always known that I wanted to work with kids. I decided when I was in high school that a pediatric nurse was where I should do that work and never looked back.

I am blessed that I have found a place that feels "right"...even though it definitely has it's challenges (big ones and small ones). I can't see myself going anywhere else and finding as much fulfillment as I do now.

Same Story, Different Day

I haven't been "blogging" much, even though my mind is still swirling with thoughts that may be "journal-able". But, mostly, it's the same story, just a different day. Every single day I am asked by at least one person if I "still have my/the girls". Every day I explain, not so well, that we are STILL waiting for a report from the Judge...and yes, it has been nearly NINE weeks. Without the report, we don't have any clue whatsoever if they will go home now, soon, or some day in the future. Next week will mark fourteen months since they spent their first night in my home. For the past four(ish) months, they have spent every weekend with their mom. In the past four(ish) weeks, I have come to believe that their mom is doing her best and her "best" is better than I thought it would be. School starts in 18 days and it would be just awesome if the teen knew where she was going to be living when that happens...I really don't think that is too much to ask, but I'm not holding my breath. I am going to miss them so, so much, but this 3 1/2 days with mom, 3 1/2 days with me is not exactly enjoyable. I seem to spend much of those days trying to get the little one back into a routine and reminding her that we have rules here about how to behave appropriately only to send her back to her mom's and start all over. Granted, her "inappropriate behavior" isn't bad in the grand scale of things, but it's especially challenging when I am often working 12+ hour shifts too...

Anyway, I shouldn't really complain about them coming back to my house for 3 1/2 days because I DO miss them so much when they are gone and I do look forward to my Tuesday evening hugs and kisses (from the little one) and random stories (from both of them). The teen and I have "movie" and/or "TV" night with popcorn at least once a week. While we could surely plan "date night" after she goes back home, it definitely won't be the same.

So, the point of this babbling is that I don't exactly have a lot to "blog" because it would basically be repeating myself over and over...yes, the girls still live with me, yes we are still waiting for the Judge, yes it is really frustrating, yes it is going to be hard to say good bye whenever they DO end up leaving, yes I thought they were going home a year ago, and six months ago, and four months ago, and two months ago...you get the idea ;)

This picture really makes me laugh. My friend was in town because her son had an appointment at the hospital. So, we met them for ice cream like we did last year. I got a picture with the three of us, then was going to get one with just the boy. The little one FREAKED out, started crying and ran away throwing a fit. She said "he's not your son" and was VERY upset that I picked him up for a picture. Later, she kept telling me that I was SO MEAN because I wanted a picture with him (without her). Jealous much?!

And, yes, in case you have been reading my blog for a long time and are wondering, that IS the same very, very sick boy I wrote about here (and multiple other times in 2008!) It is simply amazing to see him doing so well and is a wonderful reminder of why I love doing what I do. My job AND my life as a foster mom are both very challenging, but incredibly rewarding and I have trouble imagining it any other way.

Tomorrow I do not have to work and I have not scheduled any meetings or appointments. I am SO excited! I haven't heard from the girls' mom, but they haven't been coming back until Tuesday. So, I'm sleeping until I wake up and will probably do a whole lot of nothing (and a little bit of some things that I really need to do!)

Good night.

Thank You Therapy

I started seeing my counselor in Fall 2009 initially through the Employee Assistance Program. I was in pretty rough shape emotionally, but eventually came to the realization that while my life wasn't (isn't) "cookie cutter" or "normal" by society standards, that doesn't make it "wrong". I found a way to embrace my "singleness", and then found a way to be a mom. I learned that I'm not here to fit into the mold other's think I should fit into, I am here to do what God is calling me to do.

So, then what happened?!

I've been a mom for over a year and it has been the most amazing experience. Even though it will be incredibly sad when they go home, I know that I have given it my all and our lives are forever changed for the better. I have given them opportunities they would never have been able to experience. I have experienced love and laughter like none I had ever known. I love taking care of kids. I love being able to make a difference in their lives. I love being a mom.

I don't so much enjoy dating and that has been an ongoing struggle for me. I cried as I wrote this post on Saturday night and was pretty much left wondering what is "wrong" with me.

This morning, I dropped the little one off at her Spanish class and went to see K. Oh, how much I love K. We have been through a lot together and I've been seeing her twice a month during this time when I thought the girls were going home/are going home, but she has been working with me financially a lot (as in, today and a number of other sessions were free and she pretty much just has me pay what it costs her to "rent" the room for an hour...yeah, she's awesome). She made some really good points, I cried (of course), but agreed with her.

Once again, she helped me to embrace who I am, even if it isn't who "society" thinks I should be...or even who my family, friends, co-workers, neighbors think I should be. I need to be at peace with the fact that I have a gift for caring for kids and am called to that ministry, both as a pediatric nurse and a foster parent. I am not called to be in a committed relationship...at least not now. I have to believe that I gave it "the old college try" these past six months with possibly a guy who is 100% perfect for me, but I'm just not feeling it. The fact that I told her I was wondering what kind of "excuses" I would have to come up with once the girls go home pretty much sums things up.

She said I need to stop "should-ing" on myself...and I have been "should-ing" a lot in this relationship. I "should" text him to let him know I'm not working today. I "should" be excited when I get a text from him. I "should" say I'll go to dinner with him. I "should" talk to him before I accept any new placements. But, it "shouldn't" be like that. I KNOW it's not him (because he's a really great guy), that it's totally me, but she (tried to) help me see that this is "ok". There isn't anything "wrong" with me, this is just who I am...and why should I try to be someone I am not? That doesn't really help anyone. So, I need to be at peace with this, and hope "other people" are okay with it (and, if not, I need to be okay with that too).

Now, I just have to figure out when and how to tell him. Prayers certainly accepted and appreciated :)

Being a Nurse

This past week was National Nurses' Week. For a couple of years, I was on my hospital's Nurses' Week Committee, but felt a bit "out-of-the-loop" this year. My parents and my sister gave me Nurses' Week cards/gifts, which was really thoughtful. We did get a gift from the floor and got some "goodies". Today we had a pot lock.

In honor of Nurses' Week, I decided to take a break from my foster parent blogging (try to anyway!) and write about being a nurse.

I have been a nurse for nearly nine years. I can't believe I have been out of college for that long! I always knew I wanted to work with children, so have had no desire to do anything besides be a Pediatric nurse. I have been on my current unit for over 7 1/2 years. Being a pediatric nurse is not all fun and games as some would think. Before I had foster kids, most of my blog posts were about my work. My work was my life, and in some ways it still sort of is, although having kids living with me has obviously changed some things.

Probably 70% (that's a guess!) of our patients come to us from another State. These kids are very sick, so sick that their home hospital has done everything they can to no avail and we are the "last chance hope" for them. That makes for some rough days, especially since every parent deals with the situation differently. I feel like my job is to take care of them as much as their child. Thankfully, I feel like I am a person who understands differences and tries to put myself in their shoes before judging their behavior. Of course, it can get tiring, but there are enough good parents and success stories to make it all worth it. (I wish I wasn't so tired or I would put links up to some of my favorite stories, or some of the bittersweet/sad ones that put things into perspective for me and my role in the lives of these families.)

Just over two years ago I wrote about a young patient who had a brain tumor. He was pretty much fine one day had a seizure at school the next day, diagnosed with a brain tumor and his parents were told he would not live. When he transferred to my hospital, he could not speak and had no control over his body. As he improved, he began to smile and eventually give "thumbs ups". He took a liking to me and once he could speak, he called me his girlfriend (I think he was 9 or 10). A month or so later, he had his family get us matching rings and he asked me to be his wife. He got better and left the hospital. He went back to school. Then, the tumor came back and they said he wouldn't live. So, his family spent as much time together as they could and did so outside the hospital. I last saw him back in the fall when he was admitted for some big seizures, but didn't know that his condition had worsened. He passed away early this morning at home...over two years after doctors told his parents he would not even speak again. He will always be the first "boy" who proposed to me. His family will always have memories of the nurse who made their son a husband.

Being a nurse is challenging, but rewarding. Most days I enjoy going to work. More often than not, I leave knowing that I have made a difference.

Happy Nurses' Week :)
Good night.

I Hate This

I was at work today, but called the service coordinator during a quiet time this morning and we ended up talking for over 20 minutes (a little long, but I did go check on my patient's shortly after that!) Basically, I want direction on what is supposed to be happening with transportation and visits. I worked on my January report yesterday and the girls have had FIVE visits this month. Only ONCE did their mom provide round-trip transportation. Pretty much all of the months since she was supposed to be responsible for transportation have things been like this. I have been told more than once that I don't have to provide transportation, and sometimes have been told that I SHOULD NOT provide transportation (or have my parents provide transportation). However, she always seems to put me in a tough spot and I have a REALLY hard time holding my ground, being the "bad guy", appearing to be difficult to work with, etc.

My family and I are kind-hearted people. We like to help other people. So, saying no is just as hard for my parents as it is for me. Plus, if they don't go on a visit, then sometimes my parents "have" to watch them. Sure, they are really good kids, but it still takes energy to "entertain" and sometimes a break is nice :)

Their mom has unsupervised visits, so she can have them whenever she wants. She just can't have them overnight yet because her apartment is too small (I thought she was moving to a bigger apartment 2 weeks ago, but apparently that hasn't happened). However, she takes them for up to nine hours on Saturdays and Sundays and doesn't call during the week. That is all. She does not have a job. She has not had a job the entire time her kids have been in foster care...nearly fourteen months now.

Back to the service coordinator conversation...she said that if she calls in the morning to say she can't come get the girls, or can't get them home, then they can't have a visit. However, Saturday morning their mom texted me before she picked them up to say they needed a ride home and I was at work. She had them at a visit and they aren't supposed to spend the night, so what was I supposed to do (my dad picked them up)? Yesterday, she said she couldn't get them because of the weather, but I felt bad and my dad drove them there with her word that she would get them back (I texted her five times before I let my dad drive them to make sure she really would get them back to my house). Last week, I picked them up because her ride got a flat tire. The week before, my mom dropped them off because she was going to send a taxi for them (that has since been "nixed" as an option). So, basically, if we didn't help, then they wouldn't see their mom AT ALL...and apparently that isn't supposed to be something that stresses me out.

However, it doesn't seem to be in the best interest of the girls if they ARE to be going home "soon" for them to go home after being out of the home for over a year after not even getting regular visits. So, I feel stuck. The coordinator said she knows I'm "just trying to do the right thing", but I guess we just have to be mean, even if it hurts the girls in the process.

Have I mentioned I hate this?!

I've known since my Day 1 (June 5) that reunification was the goal. I get that. I understand that when they ARE with her, she feeds them and takes care of their physical needs. Their safety is not at risk. However, if she REALLY wanted them back, like REALLY wanted them back, then why is it taking her so long to do what she needs to do to get them? And why isn't she doing everything in her power to see them each and every day (or at least call them)? And if "everyone" knows that she likes the "idea" of having her kids more than "actually" having them, then why can't something be done? This part-time mom is a sweet gig for her, especially when other people are working harder than she is to make sure she sees her kids...and yet all she can say is that no one is helping her (although I do get an occasional thank you which is much appreciated ;) ).

Yes I do know that I signed up to be a foster mom ;)

The coordinator asked mom why she doesn't come get the little one every day since she doesn't go to school and mom doesn't work. She said it's because my sister watches the little one (I texted my sister that answer and she said "Did you say 'yes she watches her because you don't take her-duh!'" I laughed at that one...seriously, duh! Plus, I only work three days a week and have been working a lot of weekends, so there were 3-4 days a week she could have had her all day long.)

I thought that I was doing my best at doing the "tough love" thing, but guess I am still being "too nice". However, these girls are supposed to be going home soon and there is potential that they will just go home without any sort of transition. Personally, I need some kind of transition for myself to adjust to them not being there and I don't really feel that selfish for thinking that. I have been taking care of these girls day in and day out for over 7 1/2 months, loving them all through their mom leaving town, canceling visits, shortening visits, and putting forth minimal (at best) effort to have any sort of contact with them. They both attack me with their chatting about this and that as soon as I walk in the door from work. The little one tells me she loves me all day long. The teen told me she wants to take voice lessons, try out for the sophomore talent show, and be on the cheerleading squad next year. She shares her accomplishments and tells me dreams for her future. I'm there when they go to bed and I'm there when they wake up (most days). I can't even imagine these things coming to an abrupt halt...and knowing that their mom hasn't done a single thing to get them back (but will anyway) just makes it even worse.

If they are going home whether they have one visit or twenty, then maybe I shouldn't stress out about it, but that's way easier said than done. The little one has spent over 1/3 of her life in foster care and was barely bonded to her mom before then, so is it really "fair" to just throw her back to someone she "visits" maybe twice a week? The teen has spent the past 14 months being a kid rather than a parent, so I'd like to hear that she will continue to get to be a teenager when she goes home.

All this rambling on and on and I still don't know what to think or what is "right". Hopefully we will make some progress during our family team meeting tomorrow afternoon. Prayers are definitely appreciated...we all need them :)

Good night.

Bummer

I'm really bummed out about a couple of things and I'm hoping if I "blog" about them, I will feel better/less bummed.

My brother-in-law gave me my laptop back today and said he was able to make it work again, but barely and to save all my files because he wasn't sure how long it would last. He said I need to buy a Mac the next time...I was hoping the "next time" wasn't coming so quickly. I got the laptop home tonight, turned it on, and nothing happened. So, even if it worked for him, it doesn't want to work for me...bummer! My net book works fine, but it is a little harder to work on and "M" is going to have homework to do that requires the computer and I still need my blogging/twitter/email time :)

The other "bummer" is different, but makes me even more sad than having to buy a new computer. However, it's something that I need to "get over" because there is nothing I can do about it. The little one and I went to a birthday party last night. We put on pretty dresses, I had gotten my hair done, did my make-up, did her hair, and let her put on sparkly lotion. We were dressed to party and both SO excited! She had a blast and I had fun watching her/chasing her. I did some visiting, but mostly tried to stay one step ahead of her so she didn't stick her hands in the cake, knock over any drinks, or do anything else she wasn't supposed to do (even though she is REALLY well-behaved, I had no clue what she was going to be like around other kids)! It was so much fun to be able to be at this party with my friend and her family, to celebrate this special life (keeping this vague on purpose, but if you've read my blog for a while, I'm sure you can read between the lines ;) )

As soon as I got home, I realized that I didn't get in any pictures besides the group one. I didn't get any cute pictures with me and little one, even though she did pose for a couple when I was standing RIGHT there. I didn't get a picture with the birthday girl. I still don't have any pictures of me and my friend together even though we have been friends for years. I just can't believe that I let this opportunity for some great pictures pass me by when there were at least two people taking photos throughout the party and I never took mine out once (and I carry my camera with me everywhere!). Honestly, my eyes fill with tears thinking about it and I'm hoping that by blogging it, I will be able to put the past behind me and realize that the memories are there even if the photos are not...

The teen and I started Jillian Michaels' 30.day.shred on Thursday, but skipped today since she hurt her ankle and I worked so wasn't motivated to do it alone...

Other than that, things are going well here, even with the "bummers". I have the next two days off and am looking forward to that. "M" starts school on the 19th and that will drastically change our routine!

Well, "M" is talking my ear off even though I am sitting here typing...ha!

Good night.

This Day Was Nutso!

So, "nutso" may not be a word, but it definitely fits--that, or crazy, bizarre, odd, weird, one-of-a-kind, unforgettable...seriously, "nutso" just sounds fun :o)

I stayed up a bit too late last night considering I actually needed to be up early on my day off. We have a program at work where once a year you can get free lab work with a health screening. This year, if you participate, you get a discount on health insurance. I made my appointment for 7 this morning, but could go any time between 6:30 and 9. I figured I'd go "close" to 7/7:30 and then just go back to bed...so wasn't really worried about the short night's sleep.

I rolled out of bed around 7:30, and started to get dressed when I heard a strange sound. Half-dressed, I followed the sound to the basement. There, I found a pool of water and saw water streaming out of the wall near the toilet. I quickly turned off the water to the toilet which surprisingly worked. Then, I got to work trying to push the water toward the drain near the washer, and of course called my parents to see what I should do (I was worried that this water shut-off was just a temporary fix and that I possibly had a broken pipe somewhere). I left a message for the plumber and went ahead to my appointment (since I couldn't miss an appointment to lower my health insurance!)

The appointment was quick, and I live close to work so I was quickly back home after a stop at Starbucks on the way. I continued with cleaning up the water and got some fans going. The plumber called back and would come when he could. I was feeling SO blessed that this happened on a day that I was off because had water poured into my basement for 13 hours...well, that would NOT have been good at all. Also, it could have been worse if it happened in the middle of the night OR if I had slept in until my "usual" hour. I really don't think the water had been coming in for more than maybe half an hour by the amount of water. Boy am I lucky...but, cleaning up the water and waiting for the plumber kind of put a damper on the whole go back to bed after my lab work idea.

Then, as I waited for the plumber, I got a call from the hospital social worker. One of the transplant moms was sick and had called the social worker to say she couldn't really take care of her kid (okay, that's not EXACTLY the way it went, but sort of) The social worker was wondering if I could help. I let her know that I was waiting for a plumber, had a meeting and choir practice tonight and had to work tomorrow. But, I could probably do something...and I made plans to call after the plumber left.

The plumber was gone by 11 after finding that the problem was a broken connector from the toilet to the water source. Halleluiah, it wasn't a broken pipe! It cost about $100 for the "house call" and around $7 for the part, but that is WAY better than busting into the wall to fix a pipe, having to replace carpet, fix drywall, all the other things I would have had to do if my basement had completely flooded!

So, I called the social worker back and arranged to pick up the child for a couple hours before my meeting. I let the mom know that I would have to get my pack and play set up (since she said the child would be ready for a nap...yeah right...ha!) and put the car seat into the car. I asked her to give me 30 minutes, but it took me a little longer since I struggled with figuring out how to put the car seat into the car properly (still not sure I did it right!) PLUS I got a phone call...

THIS phone call was from the new case worker from the agency who is assigned to my home. I left her a message the other day saying I would call on my next day off, but obviously I hadn't quite gotten to that point today. I would be surprised if she didn't think I was a crazy lady because I was rambling on and on and trying to install a car seat at the same time. She was saying that my name and phone number had been tossed around this morning about a kid or two so maybe I would be getting a call. I let her know about the "favor" I was doing today and that another foster mom had talked to me about maybe doing respite care some time in the next two weeks. I also said that I am not quite sure what I'm looking for or if I am 100% ready which kind of made me sound like why I am I doing this anyway, but I think she understood...it had already been a "nutso" day and it wasn't even noon!

I picked up the child and we came to my house to play. I realized that getting a baby in and out of a car seat with all their stuff is not as easy as I thought it would be. But, it was good "practice" :o) The baby was SO good that I thought about just having her come to the meeting with me to give the mom a little more of a break.

THEN, the mom called me at 2:00 to say the baby was supposed to be seen in clinic this afternoon and they said I could just bring her. Um, okay (I HAD called the clinic to talk to one of the nurses because I'm not used to "healthy" kids and wanted to make sure that a little bit of wheezes and course breath sounds/junky nose was okay...I didn't sense any "respiratory distress" but wanted to double check!) So, we packed everything back up and headed to clinic...where I learned that the mom was mistaken and the appointment was NEXT week. My "co-workers" took pity on me and went ahead and saw the child. Since I was already out and about, I decided against bringing the child BACK to my house for an hour...I apologized to the mom, but there wasn't really much I could do. I probably shouldn't say any more, but I guess it's good that the mom knew to ask for help. I hope she feels better soon both for her sake and the baby's! (Oh, and in between here, my mom called to see if I wanted to go to a concert or a play with her on Sunday...I had to explain that I COULD be getting a call about a kid, but can't really not plan to do things on the "just in case"...also had to try to tell the story about the water and the baby-sitting and the other craziness of this day. We decided on the play rather than the concert and she sort of reminded me that we don't "do command performances" and if something comes up and we can't go, then that's how it is...oh how wonderful it is to have "that" mom back!)

Since I no longer had a child and the fans were going in the basement, I took the opportunity to sleep for an hour even though I probably should ACTUALLY get my house ready in case a call DOES come. My mess was okay for this baby, but likely will not be for others! But, I was tired, so I did it :o)

As soon as my meeting was over, before I left to go to choir practice, I got a call from a woman at the agency. She left a message to call her since I was on the other line with my dad. I called her back and she had received calls about a sibling strip of three (I'm actually only licensed for two...can you imagine going from zero children to three?!) as well as a school age child...not the call I was half-way expecting from the way the case worker earlier sounded (that child was a different age in a non-sibling group). Well, since I have to work tomorrow, it would be tough to have a school age child that needs to go to school, so once again, I had to say no. Two calls and I've been licensed less than two weeks...I guess I DID sign up for this, but for some reason, I wasn't expecting this! I am not sure if I am ready, but am not sure if I could ever REALLY be prepared...I suppose like people said when I got the first call, when it is right, I will know. And, there are lots of times that an emergency placement would work. However, I have been SUPER busy these days, so things will definitely be different! (My sister texted me tonight that she and my nephew miss me and she wants me to come visit...I do see them about once a week, but always at my mom and dad's. I don't think I saw them this week though since I worked the weekend.)

So, that was my "nutso" day...it doesn't seem quite as nuts when it's all typed out, but it definitely felt nuts as it unfolded (I guess water in the basement, two calls from caseworkers, providing respite care and taking that kid to the doctor isn't something that happens every day!)

Back to work tomorrow...time for bed!
Good night.

The Sun Came Out

Yes, for a short time today, the sun came out...for the first time in nearly 2 weeks. Of course, I was inside at work so didn't REALLY get to enjoy it...and by the time I left, the roads were slick and covered with a new layer of snow. Have I mentioned that I am ready for spring?!

It was still a "sunshiny day" because I only had two patients and it was a "slow day" all around. So slow, in fact, that I forgot to give medications on time...oops! Since I only had two patients, I got to be my chatty self and spend time visiting with them. I love when I get to do that...and imagine that normal conversation is a welcome change :o) I finally got to be the nurse for a little girl who apparently likes to talk about "Nurse Amanda" (adorable...ha!) My other patient was a middle-school girl who, very sadly, is really sick. However, she was in good spirits considering how "unwell" she is. Near the end of my shift, she looked at me and asked if I was working again tomorrow. Although I knew where she was going with that question, I teased her about whether or not I should say "'yes" :o) The look on her face when I told her that, yes, I was working tomorrow and should be able to be her nurse was just awesome. I could also tell that it made her mom happy as well. Such a special feeling to see first hand--in the faces of the kids and their families--how much of a difference I am making...being a nurse is awesome :o)

Although yesterday was cloudy, there were plenty of sunny moments. I spent most of the day at the photography studio with my mom, sister, and nephew. His appointment for Valentine's Day/7 month pictures was at 1:30...lucky for them, he was still ALL smiles when we were finally called back at 2:45/3:00...what a LONG wait! He was SUCH a ham and smiled for every.single.picture! It was hilarious! He had all of us laughing because as soon as she got behind the camera, he just smiled away...I "stole" some pictures from my sister's fb page. She didn't put up any of him in his "Handsome Devil" shirt...and I opted not to post any of the "baby in the bathtub" pictures here, but these two are a pretty good representative of how smiley he was. It was a lot of fun...and neither my sister nor my mom annoyed me at all, so that is progress :o)

Well, it's after 11:00 and I have to work in the morning. I also have a load of wash in the washer that I did last night, so probably need to take care of those clothes before I have to wash them again. Hoping for another good day at work--and for more sun!--tomorrow.
Good night.

In the News

I was planning to write a post discussing how much I need to have a fire started under me to get my rear in gear and make my home more presentable (oh, and send Christmas Cards...there is still time to get them done before the end of the month!) However, I spent some time on facebook, and then on twitter, and then in Google Reader...and everyone is talking about the earthquake in Haiti. Being at the hospital all day, I was sort of "out of the loop", but ended up seeing a report that maybe 100,000 people were killed (one I glanced at now says "tens of thousands")...there is no way to know at this point I guess. How devastating...I don't really have any other words... Then, I decided to check on Nikki from Blogs for a Cause who gave me my "first" blog makeover because I couldn't remember where she did her mission trips. I believe she goes to the Dominican Republic, but the "charity of the month" on her blog for January is an organization in Haiti called Heartline Ministries which helps mothers and expectant mothers. And then, I noticed a blog called "Cry Haiti". It is the blog of a pediatric nurse who works with medically fragile kids in Haiti. I read quite a few posts and it looks like it is a hospital and an orphanage. Wow is all I can say (oh, and that if I went there, it would be VERY hard to leave without a baby...) Maybe some day God will take me to a place like this to help "God's Littlest Angels", but in the mean time, they have my prayers...as do all of the people there in Haiti who are grieving, hungry, thirsty, ill, homeless...

In addition to the fundraising Nikki is doing through her blogs, I found a link to this site that is hosting giveaways with money to benefit people in Haiti.


Good night.

Flashback Friday--Transplant Reunion

So...I REALLY wanted to do a Flashback Friday post today about Senior Pictures. Ginger took Senior pictures of her cousin this week and it made me think about how much I loved getting my senior pictures taken. Of COURSE I couldn't find any copies of my senior pictures to scan when I was looking last night, so that post will have to wait.

I knew when I left work yesterday that today was going to be NUTS! There were 8 patients on my side and SIX of them were supposed to go home today. I was forced to give up one of my patients from yesterday when I got to work which made me pretty crabby. When I was driving to work, I was thinking that I probably would have to let another nurse take one of my patients, but didn't know I would be FORCED/expected to do so which made me not-so-happy. I tried to just drink my coffee and not grumble about it too much because obviously that would NOT help...

A patient I took care of five years ago after a transplant was coming up to visit me this morning since tomorrow is the annual transplant reunion. I was trying not to freak out that I would be too busy to show them around. As it turned out, they came at the PERFECT time. The child was a baby at the time of transplant, so it was like meeting everyone and seeing everything for the first time. He gave hugs to everyone he found out had played a role in helping him get to be the "big kid" he is today. It was GREAT to see him and his family...a wonderful reminder of why I do what I do. They came to the reunion a couple years ago, but was either before I started blogging, or in 2007 when for SOME reason I did not post about the reunion. I did, however, find THIS post when I was looking for one. It was written two years ago today and I cracked up reading it tonight!

Anyway, back to work...I knew that it could be a circus orchestrating sending my two patients out of the hospital. Interpreters, teaching, home health companies, phone calls, social work, and drama (including dealing with a mom whose significant other broke up with her while IN the process of getting ready to leave the hospital...yeah, nice...) It was rather chaotic and I'm glad that my self-evaluation is turned in (as are the peer evaluations done on me) because I had a hard time maintaining my cheerful disposition for a time there.

When it was all said and done, though, there were SO many things that couldn't have had better timing. The first meeting with a former patient happened when I'd already gotten my one kid off the floor to a procedure and given all my morning meds. PERFECT!

Later, another former patient and HIS family came to visit me, their "favorite nurse" ;o) While all was quiet before the "storm" of sending my first of two patients home before my new one arrived. (That little one gave me a hug too even though he was too young at the time of transplant to remember me being his nurse.) I had the opportunity to see them at last year's reunion too. I DID "blog" about that last year. It is SO great to know how much of an impression you can make on people's lives (another reason to try to not be a grumpy nurse...ha ha!)

And THEN, after my first kid went home, yet another patient and her family came up to the floor. I recognized the mom immediately, but, you know, kids change in a year's time, especially when they have previously been ill. Not sure if anyone else would have recognized that family, so it was PERFECT timing that I was standing right there when they arrived.

I was so proud to be able to say that three patients came up to see ME (even though the third one was more "by chance")! How great is that?! Along with getting to celebrate new life with a family after their loss because I meant THAT much to them...what a week! That post from last year's reunion has a slide show of pictures, but I think what I wrote stands true today--"...I had patients and families come up to me and tell everyone I was their nurse. How special I felt. I am a part of their story, just as they are a part of mine. They are grateful to be alive. I am grateful God brought them into my life."

I am SO excited for tomorrow! I will see these three kids, and surely MANY more who are doing well out at home, living their life to the fullest because someone made a decision to give them a second chance. Be an organ and tissue donor...you have the power to donate life.

Here's another little post on organ donation, just in case you haven't signed your card and told your family...

So, as I was searching through posts trying to find these, I came across some pretty funny ones, so maybe I need to write Flashback Friday posts more often.

Well, as busy as I was, I still managed to clock out before 7:30. After work, I headed to a "gotcha day" party for a little girl who finally was able to be adopted by her foster parents today. I did respite care for her last May, and prior to that worked with her mom doing supervised visits for the State. I need to write about what terribly awkward incident occurred at that party, but it is nearly 1:00 and I don't want to be tired and crabby for the reunion! (I am working at the children's activities, which is kind of like a carnival, from 11:30-2, so PROBABLY need to get some sleep!)

By the way, my sister went to the neurologist yesterday and was told nothing could be done until she is done breastfeeding. I really hope the headaches go away on their own because I know how much she wanted to breast feed for a year, but I am not sure how one could go for eleven more months with a terrible headache. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers for her.

Good night.