What Do I Want?

This is one of those posts that has been floating around in my head waiting to get out. It also could end up being one that I maybe shouldn't have pressed "publish post", but it will be me how I am right now and it has always been good for me to see where I have been and how I got to where I am.

Dating.

For a while, I was called the "one date wonder" by a friend because over the course of a year or so, I went on 4 (maybe 5, maybe 3?) "first dates". All seemed to go well, but there was no second call, no further contact.

Tonight, I went out with a guy I started talking to 6 months ago. Mostly, we "talk" or "text", but we have gone out maybe seven (or eight...I stopped counting) times. He often makes me laugh when we text. We have a good time when we are together. I can tell he likes me...a lot. I have really struggled with that, especially because I don't know what I want.

I have been seeing my counselor twice a month for months now. I visit with my "spiritual director" about once a month. I think about it, sometimes pray about it, occasionally have talked about it to people other than those two women, but have no answers.

Last weekend, I was given time to think about a potential foster placement if the girls went home. It definitely crossed my mind that I wasn't feeling I needed to include him in any of the decision making process. I did a lot of thinking about what I wanted, but either didn't come to any conclusions, or didn't really like my answers (wow, I'm totally beating around the bush...or, maybe I'm even more confused than I thought I was, which seems impossible!)

What I thought about was that even through the ups and downs and stresses of the past year, I really think this is as happy as I have ever been (which I type with tears streaming down my face...awesome!) This past year, I was given the opportunity to do something I have wanted to do my entire life...and that is be a mom. As I thought of that potential placement earlier this week, I thought that if I spent my whole life taking care of other people's kids and never got married, I would be fulfilled...and I would be happy. Of course, then I thought of the argument people would have to say that it would be even more fun to take care of "other people's kids" WITH someone else.

But, do I "have" to? Is that what I'm "called" to do? Didn't I spent an entire year+ of therapy prior to the girls living here coming to the conclusion that my life is okay just the way it is, even if it isn't like anyone else's...or how other people think my life "should" be?

And then, there's this guy. This guy who probably has everything on the "list" I would have of what I wanted in that "special someone". When we started talking, I told people that "on paper" everything looks/sounds "perfect". But, beyond the "list", I don't really feel the desire for more. I find myself texting him when I think I am "supposed" to, or wait until he does and then of course respond, because it's rude if you don't. He texted me on Tuesday to see if we could do something some day/some time this week/weekend and I told him I was really busy and had a million things going on.

Seriously, I did.

Then, I had a change of heart (with a nudge from my sister) and texted him that if he was still free tonight, I would maybe be up to hanging out for a bit. As it turns out, he was baby-sitting his 3-year-old nephew (I know, cute), so it was a lot less stressful for me to go out with him anyway. He brought me a little rose from his garden (again, I know). We went Downtown and out to dinner. It was a good time, but again, I really don't know what I want...if I want anything more than that. It's "wrong", but I really like having the girls as an "excuse" and am a little anxious about what will happen when that excuse is gone.

The thing is, I probably shouldn't NEED an excuse. I probably need to talk to him. But, it's hard to talk about stuff like that when I have no clue what I want. I really do feel for him and think it is amazing that he has stuck with me for six months of this, but really how much is he going to be able to take? I'm frustrated with myself, so can't imagine what he's thinking.

Well, I'm not any closer to figuring out what I want, but I've used a couple tissues and made sure my tear ducts still work...yep, still intact and filled with tears (although not quite as full now ;) ) I guess I have more talking, and thinking, and praying to do, but now it is time to sleep.

Good night.

Even More Confused

I was awakened at 1:30 this morning by the telephone ringing. I had no idea what time it was, so thought it was work telling me I was called off/on-call. I was surprised to hear an agency worker on the phone looking for a "couple day" placement for a "young man". I sleepily told her that I already had two placements and was "full" and she said they were just looking for ANY PLACE for this kid. I didn't ask how old or anything since I was scheduled to work today and tomorrow (plus, I technically am only licensed for two kids). I said sorry and went back to sleep.

I did get awakened again at 5:00 to be put "on-call". Our census is low and, unfortunately, many people, myself included, do not have PTO to cover these days of not working. Thankfully, the holiday will be on this pay check, so I won't have to use as much PTO. However, I took three days off during the next two weeks since I didn't know what was going to be happening in my life. Now, the bulk of those days off will be unpaid.

Anyway, since I was off, I had a lot of time to think. I decided to stay in bed until my body was ready to get up...that happened to be 11. I went to Mass at a different church because I didn't feel like running into anyone I knew. I'm usually one to talk, but I wasn't feeling it today. There is too much going on and I really need to sort things through in a "controlled" manner. I had a "leisurely" lunch before making a trip to the grocery store since our fridge was nearly empty. I picked up a little bit and paid some bills. I decided not to pack up the little one's things because it seemed like it would be more "traumatic" to have to unpack everything if they don't go home Tuesday than for me to have to quickly pack everything if they do.

My dad went to California with my grandma for my cousin's graduation. My grandma stayed, but my dad came home today. The neighbors were going to pick him up at the airport, but since I was home, I offered. I wanted to hear his "take" on this new placement idea and share the $hutterfly book I made for the little one anyway. When I had talked to my mom about getting a placement, she thought I should take a break. I was definitely leaning toward that. It seems like I would feel guilty filling their rooms so quickly. I know that no one can replace them, but it feels like lying when I say that I will always be here for them, that this will always be a safe place, but I am caring for other kids now. I am not sure what will happen when they go home and I'm not sure what I would do if they ended up back in care and my home was "full". I obviously couldn't put the new placement(s) out on the street, but it would be traumatic for them to have to go somewhere else. (See, I'm very confused, even though I have been thinking a lot!)

So, I was thinking that even if the girls go home on Tuesday, I would have to say that this placement sounds like a great fit, but this is not a great time. However, my dad was basically like "go for it!" He thinks it would be a different opportunity, but a good one (he also asked what my "boyfriend" thought...ha!)

Now, I am even more confused and have no clue what I will do. Of course, the decision will be make for me if the girls don't go home on Tuesday. I am feeling guilty about that too in that it will be my "fault" if they don't get to go home. The GAL got a great deal of her information from me to come to her conclusion to recommend against going home at this time. While I only told her the facts (I re-read my email today) and ultimately it is the judge's decision, I am still feeling some weight of that decision. I had resigned myself to the fact that they would be going home on Tuesday. They will be "ok" and they will be "safe". Of course, a lot of the rest of the situation makes me sad, but it is what it is and I know that we shared many happy moments together during this time.

As I was walking to my bed (over a few less papers than earlier today), I saw a bookmark we got from pastoral care for nurses' week. It reads "May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love." ~Mother Teresa Perfect timing or what?! I guess time will tell...and I have a couple of nights to "sleep on it" too.

Good night.

Hmm...

Little one staying the night at her mom's. Teen on an out of town school trip. I went to dinner/ice cream with "ice skating boy"...I believe this is "date #6" (plus texting a couple time a week). I need to pick up the teen in 10 minutes, so this has to be short. But, how come when I'm at home, I think about going out with him, think about that "first kiss", and then we go out and the thought is there, but the "desire" (the physical part of the "relationship" I mean) isn't so much. I guess maybe I'm just not ready to "go there" with SO many other things going on (the situation with the girls is more good than bad, but still very uncertain and some days are VERY frustrating, many lately have been quite emotional too...) But, the poor guy...thankfully, it seems he's a "keeper" since he's willing to stick with me through my craziness...or, at least he's willing to for now. We had a good time, good conversation, good food, good drinks...and hopefully will do it again.

Good night.

April 3, 10:15 PM update...my sister texted me after I wrote this if we had our first kiss. I responded "No, I think maybe he was ready, I thought I was, but then I wasn't...oh well, it will happen if/when it is supposed to." She responded "Oh yes if/when :) " I think I'm okay with this...it is what it is and it's better not to do something that I'm not 100% comfortable with (the last guy I "dated" never got a phone call back from me after our first kiss...we don't want THAT to happen!!)


A bit of foster mama drama this weekend, so hopefully I'll have time to blog tomorrow while the little one is at her first day of pre-school/day care (yeah, pretty sure I'll be crying with her ;) )


Good night!

Just Because

Just because I haven't skipped a day of journaling/blogging in a long time, I am going to post. However, I'm VERY tired and should have gone to bed an hour ago (or more!). Work was good. There is an opportunity out there to get a $1000 bonus for working a certain number of extra shifts in the PICU. Sounds too good to pass up, but I'm not sure how it would work, since I have a lot of things going on this summer...I need to seriously think about the money, but also about my sanity. If it was on my floor I would do it in a heartbeat, but I'm not so sure about the PICU. I just emailed a bunch of questions to the Director and my Manager. Hopefully their answers, as well as some prayers, help me come to a decision quickly.

I was going to go out with some friends tonight, but we all ended up being too tired (again, that was over an hour ago and I'm STILL not in bed!). It's calling my name, so good night :o)

Ha Ha!! After I posted this, I looked at my "Quote of the Day"...it is--"Time is what we want most, but what we use worst." ~William Penn--Isn't that the truth?! It is for me at least! Good night!

Overre"acting"?

So, today was a new day. I had to leave early for work because we had icy streets. Lucky for me, I live less than 2 miles from work, so it worked out okay. I ended up with one patient for most of the day. Of course, she did all she could to keep me busy enough which was a tad bit annoying, but I actually should not complain. Everyone was giving me a hard time because it SEEMS like whenever I would be "first up" for an admission, we don't get any, but when the admissions are coming, it isn't my "turn". It is all in their imagination, I tell them! I do not TRY to be a "slacker nurse", it just HAPPENS sometimes! If "you" recall, the last shift I worked, I was responsible for five different patients, so I definitely CAN handle work!

It actually worked out very well that today wasn't busy for me, because one of my friends who works in another department was there all day. Some scenes from a film were being shot in "my" hospital and she was responsible for being there during the shoot. I was able to stop by a few times throughout my shift to visit, and then spent a little over 2 hours after my shift watching and "helping". In those two hours, they shot a "scene" that was roughly 15 seconds long--craziness! I did get to visit with some members of the crew, talked to the writer/director for a while, and rode in an elevator with Ellen Burstyn . I didn't get to be an extra this time, but probably could have been if I wasn't working!

So, that is kind of the "acting" portion of this post. The rest of it concerns what I wrote about last night. I was not planning on discussing my "issues" at work, because there are some choices that I have made that not all people would agree are right ones and I do not want to be judged for them. However, it kind of "slipped out" in a discussion about this person that I thought I had hurt her feelings and cried a lot about it. That brought the "whoa" if you are crying over it, then you need to get yourself out of the situation. Of course, that was said by someone who doesn't know that I cry easily and for many different reasons. However, it made me wonder if I really DID do something wrong, or if I am worrying about nothing. I suppose only time will tell on that, but for now I still feel pretty bad, but am going to try and hold back my tears.

I have a bit of thinking and praying to do, it's late, and I'm back to work "bright and early". So, good night.

Reflections on Faith

I wrote this post last night, and it is pretty "random" and a bit confusing, but I have to say that it did clear things up for me, maybe just a little bit. I was thinking I could just save it in my drafts and not post it, since no one really reads this anyway. But, I decided that this is "Just Me" in all my craziness and confus-edness, so post it is.

I have so much running through my head, but am also pretty tired, so this may be a post that becomes "to be continued". My thoughts are all over the place, so I may need to do some "reorganizing" to try and make sense of it all (or, maybe I'll just leave it as random thoughts/reflections).

I was born to Catholic parents. I grew up in a Catholic neighborhood. I went to Catholic school for 13 years. I attended a university with a large Catholic community. To be completely honest, I really like being Catholic. I also enjoy listening to the Christian radio station. Tonight, I attended a free Natalie Grant concert and it was just what I needed spiritually today. Many of the blogs I read are of people who "typically" do not consider Catholics as "Christians", for whatever reason, but since I usually just read, I don't feel "judged". These are VERY faith-filled people who have been hit time and time again with events and experiences that could have turned them bitter. The mom who continued her "caringbridge" site even after her daughter lost her battle waiting for a liver transplant, the mom who writes about scrapbooking, faith, motherhood, and forgiveness after her daughter was killed in an accident that never should have happened. There's the mom whose daughter survived a heart transplant, is autistic, and she herself is now battling cancer, and the mom whose first son has multiple issues after a liver transplant and second son has still "undiagnosed" developmental delays. And these are just a few of the stories of people I have NEVER met, as there are countless more PLUS stories of faith and miracles in the work I do, and the people I know. I am amazed, and humbled by the amount of faith these people have, and are willing to share.

Maybe I really have as much faith as these people who inspire me, I just have a different way of expressing it, however, I have been looking for ways to enhance my "Catholicism" and examine my faith more closely. I started reading a book called "blessed are the bored in spirit: A Young Catholic's Search for Meaning" by Mark Hart. It is taking me entirely too long to read, but has been inspiring so far. I am a member of the Young Adult group at my church and we had a very nice meeting this week. I am excited to be attending a retreat a week from today titled "A Time to be Grateful : Reflections on the bountiful gifts of God...the gifts of self, others, and nature". Today, I also purchased a book that will have daily prayers for 2008.

That is where I ended the post last night...I suppose I will pick up on this another time, as it has been quite a reflection (although, my "deep reflecting" had to take a break since I actually had to sleep last night and really should be in bed now!). More on this another time!

On another note, today was a good day. I didn't have busy patients, but was able to help out my "fellow nurses" a bit, which makes me feel good :o) I also was able to spend some extra time with a patient and her mom, which is also nice. I feel like I can learn SO much from the parents of these chronically ill children. It really puts things into perspective when I can actually SEE what kinds of things are expected of them when they go outpatient...it is CRAZY...especially when I think about some of the parents we get! I believe I am a better nurse because of when I learn from listening.

Off Early!!!

I started off my shift with two patients (normal is 2-3, with the understanding that if you start with two, you will most likely get at least one admission). The other 2 nurses in my area started with 3. The plan was for me to get the scheduled admission (obviously!). We each ended up sending a patient home and as of 4:00 we hadn't heard anything about the admission. So, I was sitting there with one patient, the others with two, and the charge nurse decided that someone needed to go home, and that someone should be me because I just had one patient. I jumped at that idea because I had been "dragging" since 2:00 after being off for a few days. So, I gave report on my one patient and got home by 5! Of course, I had BIG PLANS of taking a nap, but didn't.

I did, however, talk to my friend who moved away. One of the patients she did a lot with while she was here passed away yesterday in a different state. It was really sad to hear of her passing because she was a child who had come SO far and had a lot of potential...she seemed like one of the ones who would gain so much life after receiving her transplant. My heart goes out to her family.

I pray a lot for the families of the patients I care for. They deal with so many more issues all at once than some people ever have to deal with. Today I sent a card to a mom who lost her daughter in January. Her daughter's birthday is next week. The majority of the blogs I read are those of parents who either have chronically ill children, or have children who have died. (Is there something wrong with me?!). I actually think the answer to that is "no"...hopefully anyway...I think these people have all been sent to me to teach me, to help me care for those other people God has chosen to place in my life.

This past week or so, I have been a little anxious about going to work. Usually, we "pick" our patients before the shift starts. Some nurses get there extra early so they have first dibbs...I'm not sure if that's "right", but it's the truth, and I will admit that I've done it once or twice, but mostly I'd rather have my sleep. We have a patient whose mom had, I'm not sure how to explain it, some kind of "freak out" issue with me earlier this year even though I've never had her child as a patient. I'm pretty sure it was a huge misunderstanding because this mom seems like a very sweet and kind person with a huge heart (someone kinda like me!). Anyway, I'm not sure if I should "shy away" from taking this patient, if I should "choose" to take this patient and risk the mother being very upset about that, or just let what happens happen and deal with whatever comes. I have another opportunity tomorrow...I guess I'll sleep on it (and pray some too!).

Well, a post about getting off early and am thinking about work...that pretty much is how my life goes. I have issues...but am not going to change my position that I love living alone!

Mommy ready?

I'm not quite sure. Maybe that means "no". I'm turning 28 in fifteen days. I guess that doesn't automatically qualify me as a "yes". I've thought about being a foster mom at least since I was thirteen. For the past couple of years, I have thought about it more seriously. Of course, I was working at least two jobs and am currently working three, so some things would definitely have to change. At one of my jobs, I am working closely with someone who is a foster parent (and someone whose child is in foster care). I got this job while I was waiting to get paperwork to do respite care through the state. I put the paperwork away since I didn't have time any more. However, last week I went and got fingerprinted...step one done. I think I'll turn in the rest of the paperwork this week...just because...or "just in case". I wonder if I'm more lonely than I think I am...or am just sad because I'm almost 28 and could be a mom by now...somehow I'm not thinking a child will solve those problems!

I baby-sat this weekend, but sometimes did feel more like a "mom" than a fun baby-sitter. Not sure if that is a "sign" or just makes me more confused. I'm pretty tired after "playing mom" for 48 hours, so I guess I'll just be thankful for lots of sleep while I can get it!

This is not my baby (obviously),

but he sure is a cute one!

And, I DO know him :o)