Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. ~Leo Buscaglia
I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good thing, therefore, that I can do, or any kindness I can show to any fellow human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it for I shall not pass this way again. ~Stephen Grellet
Even though I never actually committed to writing a "One Word 2011" post, I did actually choose the word "trust". I went back through my posts from 2011 to try and find posts that mentioned it and was able to find three, all from early in the year. I'm sure there were others, but it was hard to sort through them, so this year I'll have to label them ;)
On January 1, 2011, I really wanted to link up to Alece's One Word post, but wasn't ready to "commit"...and wanted to think a little more. On January 5, 2011, I was still "thinking", but thought "trust" would be good since I was on a "journey of unknowns". A month later, on February 5, 2011, I pretty much "committed" that "trust" was my word...and that was the first weekend that the girls spent at their mom's after living here for 8 months. It was interesting for me to read those three posts from the beginning of the year tonight and really see that "trust" really was the perfect word for 2011.
In those posts from January, I was sure the girls would be going home "soon"... I never imagined that they would be here for nine months of 2011 and definitely wouldn't have believed how much I'd get to see/talk to them during the three months since they went home. Little did I know that the "no decision" from court in May 2011 would be nearly 17 weeks of living in "limbo". Having my "One Word" be "trust" definitely helped throughout those 17 weeks when I woke up every day wondering if it would be their last day here. I trusted that God was in control and that they would go home when they were "supposed" to. I truly believe that those 17 weeks were what we needed to get to the place where we are today. Those weeks gave us an opportunity to make more memories and time for me to establish a stronger relationship with the teen to the point that shetrusts me and cares about "us" enough to the point that she's the one I'm texting tonight on New Year's Eve as I sit on the couch in my PJ's waiting for the ball to drop. Only God, only God.
Even though my dating relationship didn't end the way I wanted it to, I chose to trust...even though it was hard and I still struggle with how it all "went down", I trust that God has a plan for me and my life and right now being single is where I'm "supposed" to be.
This isn't as "profound" of a post as I would have hoped it would be, but I'm definitely thankful that I chose one word this year. I think trust was the perfect word, actually, and I feel like trust was written all over 2011 for me and my life (although I didn't get it all written out here...it's in my heart) :) Even though I have chosen a new word for 2012, I am going to remember what it felt like to "trust"...even when trusting is hard.
I was a little bit regretting that I told the teen I'd pick her and the little one up early afternoon today since my house needs some TLC. However, I decided that I (likely) won't ever regret having a messy house, but if some day I can't see the girls any more for some reason, I don't want to regret not making the most of the time we were given. So, I went to lunch with my grandma, mom, sister, and nephew (after my new fridge was delivered and I cleaned the kitchen floors) and then went to get the girls.
The teen had asked me on Christmas if I had pictures from last Christmas, so I knew she was up to something. I did put nearly every picture I have onto some flash drives to give her today (pretty sure it's close to 1000) so she could have them for whatever. As soon as I picked them up, she told me she had something to show me. What she showed me was a "movie" with the 300 or so pictures she DID have set to music that she titled "Amanda's Place" with songs we listened to, songs that are special to us, songs that have meaning, with quotes and photo comments...and yet I managed not to cry. I'd like to see it again because the quotes at the end went fast and the little one was upset that the "movie watching" occurred mid-Candy Land, so was trying to get my attention back at that point (I think she used seven songs, so it was a LONG movie!)
Pictures are worth more than words...or a thousand of them anyway...and that slide show/movie was priceless. I am so grateful for our relationship being this way and pray that she continues to trust me, listen to me, and see me as someone who is here to help and support her as she reaches for her goals/dreams.
Before we hung out at my house, we went and fed the ducks since it was very warm here for December. Even still, some of the water was frozen and we were kind of teasing them by throwing some of the bread onto the icy part to watch them slide ;) After hanging out for a bit, we went to a show at the children's theater. The teen still wants to get together with friends during the break, but is trying to coordinate plans with a day that I have off so I can help with transportation, so hopefully that works out for her.
Today I went back to work for the first time since Friday since I had the holiday weekend off. The patients I had today likely would have driven me bonkers had it been a "typical" day. However, the patient I had been caring for the majority of my shifts for months remains out of the hospital. As much as I like her (and her mom), caring for her is very hard work--physically, emotionally, mentally--and I was just counting my blessings that I was having the opportunity to take care of other patients besides her. Dealing with fussy babies whose parents weren't there with them all the time was actually less irritating than an always present parent who doesn't allow you to do your job...because that's how I chose to see things today.
I cried when I lost all the food from my fridge and over the fact that I didn't exactly want to spend any "spare" money on a new fridge. However, my parents went with me to the store last night to look at new ones (I was going to have a repair person come tomorrow, but the consensus was that it was likely the compressor which would cost nearly as much as a new one.) We looked and looked and found one that "accidentally" had two price tags. The lower one was supposed to be taken off a week ago, but wasn't. We went in search of a salesperson which typically isn't the case in that store and "happened" to find someone who could come check it out for us. I don't believe any of us realized she was the MANAGER until after she came back with a card telling me she would not only offer the lower price on that one, but she'd offer that same lower price on a fridge that usually was a couple hundred dollars more than the original one (and the kind I wanted...one with the freezer on the bottom). So, even though this was a very unfortunate circumstance, I'm choosing to count my blessings that I was able to get a good deal as well as an extended time period to pay it off interest-free.
I texted with the girls' mom today while I was at work, trying to convince her that the little one needs to go to pre-school and also that maybe she should bring her to the doctors' office to get her stitches removed (she told me last night she was going to take then out herself since she's a "pro") and get her 4-year check-up (she turned 4 in August). I could tell that she was starting to get a little "testy" with me even though we were texting, so I stopped, realizing that it is really her choice as to if I get to continue to have contact with the girls. I'm hoping that she takes some of what I say to heart, even if she never chooses to admit that to me...and make decisions that are best for her kids.
I have tickets to a show at the children's theater tomorrow night (I've lost track of how many shows we've seen!) I have tried to make a point to ask whether or not they want to come to these kinds of things, and the little one has been able to come every time I have asked. I never force the teen to come, but she doesn't usually skip (unless she knows my friend wants to come with her daughter too). On Monday, the teen wanted to know if I was off today since she wanted to hang out with a friend. She was bummed that I had to work, but I told her I was available tomorrow if she wanted to go somewhere. We texted yesterday and today and she first thought maybe they'd go to lunch, a movie, or dinner. I said I was up for whatever, just to let me know. She called at 10:00 to say she hadn't heard from him, so was going to say they weren't going to do anything tomorrow. She agreed to come to the show tomorrow night, but I asked her what time she wanted me to pick her up...any time between 11:30 and 6:15. She said she'd come hang out here for a while rather than me just picking them up for the show. So, I'm going to pick them up around 1 after having lunch with my sister, nephew, and grandma. It really warms my heart that, when given the choice to do whatever she wants, she is choosing to come hang out here.
There may be a lot of ups and downs going on around here, but tonight I'm choosing to count my blessings.
So, last night before I went to bed, I was hearing random "clicking" sounds. I had no idea what it was, but it appeared to be coming from the kitchen. I thought maybe my Keurig...or maybe even that I was just hearing things because I live alone (but do try really hard not to freak out about house noises!)
I drove to my work out place after breakfast and found out that it was closed. So, I stopped by my favorite coffee place and grabbed a latte on my way home. My dad picked me up at 11:30 and we went and bet some horses and had lunch. I "chilled" at my house for a while, had some canned soup for an early dinner, then left my house around 5:00 to grap a new cable box on my way to get my nails done. I was craving ice cream, so I stopped by for a milkshake on my way home. I tried hooking up my new box, vegged out for a little while and tried to get myself to finish Christmas cards and write thank-you notes.
At some point (8:40 to be "exact"), I went and opened the freezer. A "popsicle" fell out and I noticed that it was not frozen anymore. Upon further inspection, I noticed that NOTHING in the freezer was frozen any more. I opened the fridge and found that the only thing that was NOT room temperature was the egg nog I bought when I got my ice cream and even that was getting warm.
Nearly everything in the fridge and freezer was ruined. I was sick to my stomach and did actually cry because it was completely unbelievable to me. My guess is that there was nearly $200 worth of stuff in the fridge/freezer (the freezer was pretty full...thankfully the fridge wasn't completely full) and I won't know until tomorrow if I'll need a new one or if this one is "fixable".
In hindsight, I do recall thinking my milk got kind of warm while I was eating my cereal this morning which was odd, but I didn't think too much about it since that is just weird to have warm milk from the fridge...or so I thought. I suppose if I paid more attention to things, I maybe could have saved the food, but I was kind of in a hurry and can't say I noticed that it wasn't that cold when I grabbed the milk and put it back. That was the only time I got into the fridge or freezer today since I was gone for lunch and didn't get my dinner from there.
Fortunately, some of the "condiments" were unopened, so I was able to keep those. It doesn't look like my fridge was that full, but I did fill four heavy garbage bags. Sad...but on the "upside", at least tomorrow is "trash day"...and there should be good after Christmas sales if I need a new one.
It's way past my bed time, so I'll have to try and make this quick, but wanted to write about this special day (especially since it is the week of Christmas...these are indeed "special times").
I picked up the little one from her house at 12:30. Her mom handed me a bag of wet clothes and asked me to dry them since their dryer was broken, which of course wasn't a problem for me at all (I was glad to see that some of the items were clothing that I had purchased, so at least the little one is wearing them!) This time, she was chatty from the beginning and super cuddly (the last couple of times she gave me the "silent treatment" for a little while). Since she was in a good mood, I brought her to see Santa and she did great!
When we got back to my house, the teen had been here about 10 minutes. She is done with finals and went to lunch/the mall with her friends before getting dropped off here (she still has a key to my house :) ). The little one and I played and then watched a Barbie fairy movie and the teen ended up taking a nap...I'm sure she needed it after finals week! Apparently, the teen and her friends have been talking with British accents, so I got hours and hours of that which is funny and I'm feeling blessed that she wanted to talk to me even with her lap top and cell phone with unlimited texting ;)
I ordered pizza for dinner and we watched "the" football game. I let the little one fall asleep on the couch and then carried her back to her "old" bed. It sounds like she doesn't sleep in her own room or her own bed at her mom's, so I guess we'll see how the night goes, but so far so good and she's been asleep about three hours at this point :)
After the game, the teen and I watched one of the Lifetime movies I had DVRed...I didn't realize it was about an orphan who gets adopted by the CPS worker when I DVRed it, but such is how things go these days...one of the characters actually told another one to "Choose Joy" which was a lovely "whisper" from Sara...I miss her, but am so thankful to have known her, to still have her words, and for all the wonderful people she brought into my life.
I'm not sure when I'll bring the girls home tomorrow, but I'm so very grateful for this time we have had together. I don't think that a year ago I would have believed we would be having these kinds of times post-reunification...maybe that's one of the reasons I was called to choose the word "trust" for 2011...this is even better than I could have imagined it to be :)
On Sunday, my aunt came over for an hour or so to help me organize. I got new bedding and I decided want a "grown up" bedroom. However, I have a lot of clutter in my bedroom, the bedroom the little one slept in, everywhere...and it's all overwhelming and I just don't know what to do with anything/everything. It's amazing how much got done and how much better it looks in just one hour of her being here. I do have "a lot" of time off, but I'm so scattered on my days off that I can't focus on one task to it's end (you would love to be a fly on the wall watching me pack for a trip...I actually should put on step counter for that because I'm all over the place!) She is so helpful (same aunt who helped me rake my leaves) and encouraged me to make little lists for my day off with small tasks to cross off instead of broad ones like "clean room". I worked yesterday and today, so didn't get to do any more work on it (I was sick after work yesterday too...my new PCOS treatment was not very nice this first cycle...hopefully I won't have headache/nausea/vomiting the next one!). However, I'm off the next two days (the teen is coming over tomorrow afternoon/likely overnight too!), so hopefully I can make some more progress.
This is my bedroom...most of that stuff was on the floor (or on the book shelf that was in the "empty" space. I did put the "bulk" of it in a box that I'll have to sort through on one of my days off, but it does look better!
This is my closet. It used to have all of my scrub pants hung on the left side. The top had a bunch of boxes that I tossed as well as some candle stuff I had purchased for gifts that was not at all organized. So, it was basically wasted space. I have a piece of furniture that has my shirts hung up and my sweats/stuff like that in the drawers. That is the piece that I think makes my room too small, so I need to find homes for those clothes. I think maybe I have room now!
This is the closet in the room that was to be my office/scrapbooking room, but never made it...half of the room was that kind of stuff and the little one slept in the other side. The closet was full of boxes/bins/junk that was not at all organized. I do have to go through the large bins that were in there, but now all of my "gifts" and wrapping things are in one place. There is a shelf above there that has some other things that are more organized, but could still use a little more.
This is one of my hall closets. The bottom part was filled with "junk" as was the top part. I threw away at least half a dozen VS bags...why did I keep those?! I had all my scrub tops in there because they definitely wouldn't fit in my closet (my parents like to buy me scrubs...I should show them this...ha!) So, now my uniform shirts AND my uniform pants are in the same place...what a concept!
Here is my "mantle". It looked much better last year with our three stockings rather than four stockings that are all mine, but it is what it is (maybe I should have taken down the palm tree picture, but I sort of had to force myself to decorate just for myself).
There is my new TV. I should have taken a picture of my previous TV for comparison, but it was a lot smaller than this! I just put the lights up there before I took the picture and they have already started to fall off...I'm not sure I really like them all that much anyway, but I wanted to try and use them.
I did put up a tree this year in case the girls came over and I actually have been enjoying having it there too (even though I often forget to turn on the lights).
I maybe should have taken a picture of the other side of the living room, but I have tons of pictures on the walls so would have had to blur out every picture of the girls...maybe I'll do the rest of my "house tour" some day and include that. I may have already posted pictures of my new couches (this post actually has pictures of how it was decorated last Christmas and includes my old TV). I want to paint my bedroom soon and get the other bedrooms ready for any future placements (especially the little one's room...that room would not have worked as a bedroom for very many children considering the amount of "untouchables" in there!) The teen's room also worked very well for her, but may not be suitable for another placement.
So, I have some "projects" to do before the next time I see/talk to my aunt, but I'm very excited about my house coming together and looking presentable (maybe!) I may even host a party some day!
Well, I'd better go to bed since the teen is coming over after lunch and I do have some things that need to be done before she comes. I also need to talk to her mom since all of our plans have been made between the two of us and I really need to make sure her mom is on board with everything!
I have used this place as a "journal" (or a "diary") more often than for anything else. It is mostly for myself, but I am grateful for all who come to "listen". I have come here many times to vent about my mom and "her ways", but I have been given example after example of how great I really do have it (and I do know that even without the examples, but those are good reminders!) I shared with my therapist the last time I went that "I need therapy in order to deal with all the people in my life who need therapy but won't go"...not 100% true, because I honestly think everyone needs "therapy" or at least someone to listen to them and give guidance if necessary.
Anyway, I was getting my TV installed this morning (a 50" plasma...yeah, not 100% necessary in my opinion, but I was told that it would make the space in my living room bigger and that I will really like it). They were just finishing up and I was talking to the installers when my mom "barged" in. She was dropping off a "groupon" she had bought so I could get my nails done this afternoon which was really nice and thoughtful. However, she interrupted our conversation and rushed through whatever she was wanting to say because she was running late to meet my sister and nephew to meet Santa. I couldn't get in any words or say anything about the fact that she was interrupting or ask questions or send anything with her for my sister or anything...yet SHE was the one who stopped by and didn't have time to visit. I was rather irritated. But, after she left, I opened the envelope she handed me along with the "groupon".
Inside the envelope was a (sizable) check as well as a note. The note made me cry...and also feel bad that I was so irritated with her rushing out on me to be with my sister and nephew. And, even though that part still stings because that's what feels like most of the time when I'm with her, I know that I have things really good and do appreciate how much my parents love me (and not just because they give me money and pay for me to get my nails done!) My dad came over after work to help me move the piano back and rearrange the furniture in my living room.
Because I want to remember this, I will type what the letter said (even though I never throw anything away!)
Dear A, We received many blessings during 2011--and you are a significant part of those blessings.
We realize that unexpected expenses can make it difficult to keep up with financing even normal monthly necessities.
We are pleased that we can give you the enclosed gift--to help you get some of her finances in order and to jump start your cash flow.
As you experience some of life's bumps in the road, you are learning how important it is to use common sense in order to have a bit of savings for future "little emergencies".
Love, Mom & Dad
Now, my parents are "spenders" and not exactly "savers", but I do like to think I'm fairly "smart" about the things I use my money for. Unfortunately, my house needs entirely new duct work and my car is due for some work based on the number of miles it has that will not be cheap. I do think it will be nice if I can get some of my bills paid up on before I get another placement, but that isn't going to be the deciding factor. I offered to work a couple of extra days while I can since working extra won't be an option when I have parenting responsibilities again. My "one word" for 2011 was "trust" and I do trust that things will work out the way they are "supposed" to...even if there are tears along the way. This year, I had more medical bills than I have ever had, I lost more hours at work than I ever have, and I was responsible for caring for two kids for nine months. So, this Christmas present from my parents was definitely an unexpected blessing and why I wanted to "remember this"...
This was a rough weekend at work, so I took yesterday off from posting (and today kind of too, since I'm doing a "re-post"). I have been taking care of the same patient nearly every shift for the past three(+) months. I like her, her mom, and her siblings, but her dad is often hard to take. I was starting to get really stressed out by his behavior, particularly the way he treats other people (he is not usually as awful to me as he is to my colleagues), so was really hoping for a "break" from the drama this weekend to "fill my cup" with patients whose families actually appreciate what we do. Argh! (Being able to vent here is one of the (many) reasons this blog is "anonymous"...)
Anyway, I was so thankful when I went to work on Saturday morning that I was indeed going to get a "break", so maybe the "F-bombs" I've dropped at work in recent days would not be necessary. I was thrilled to get to take care of a girl I cared for 5 years ago because she was super sweet and her family is great. Of course, it stinks that she was in the hospital, but I figured we'd have a good/fun day anyway. :)
Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. She ended up being pretty sick and things weren't quite right, so I transferred her to the ICU around 11:30 in the morning since she had more medical needs than could be handled when I had two other patients to care for. She seemed to be better by the end of the shift, so I decided not to go back and visit her before I left knowing that I would be working again on Sunday.
When I arrived at work on Sunday morning, it was to a room of distraught people who directed me to the "board" that informed all of us that she had passed away during the night shift. I still can't believe it and do regret that I didn't give her mom one last hug before leaving for the night...although I am thankful that I gave her younger sister a really long one earlier in the day because that is something I will remember. I also have some good memories of her, including some from Saturday morning when she was pretty out of it.
Kids dying is one of the "job hazards" of being a pediatric nurse and I don't think it ever gets "easier" (because, seriously, if you aren't sad about kids dying, you aren't human). I am, however, thankful that I make a point to have relationships with my patients so when they "go away" (whether home or to their Heavenly home), I have memories that can stay in my heart forever.
Her "sleep mask" was lost in the linens during the move to the ICU, but found on Sunday after she had died and brought to the floor by someone in housekeeping. Today, I mailed it to her family along with a note as well as a picture I found from the summer of 2007. I'm thankful I "blogged" about it because I must have deleted that picture from my camera!
My thoughts and prayers are with her family at this time...she was a very special girl and will definitely be missed.
Originally posted May 31, 2007
(My sixth blog post ever!)
Organ and tissue donation is an issue very close to my heart because of the work I do. Because of this, I decided earlier this year that I wanted to run the 10K at the "Life-a-Thon" this year, an event to promote organ and tissue donor awareness and also to celebrate donor families. Five or six years ago, I did a couple 10Ks and a few 5Ks, but hadn't really run much since then. When it was about 5 weeks before the race, I decided it was time to "train". My training consisted of running 5 or 6 times, the farthest being 4 miles 5 days before the race. Somehow I managed to run the entire race (it took me a little over 70 minutes to run the 6.2 miles, but I did it!). I think it was because of the cause (and probably a few special angels cheering me on!). The photo above is me after the race with a transplant recipient and her sister, who probably will also need a transplant someday.
***More than 94,000 Americans are currently waiting for an organ transplant. Over 2,000 of them are children. Approximately 17 patients die each day, before receiving their lifesaving organ transplant due to the organ donor shortage.***
What could have been...but (I guess) it wasn't meant to be...
A year ago this weekend, I went on a date with a guy I met at church. In case you don't want to go back and read the (lengthy) post about the date details, the "short story" is that we went ice skating on what was one of the coldest days of the entire winter. Such a crazy cold day to go ice skating that the local news station was there and interviewed us for the Late Local News...yes, our first date was broadcast on the news for all to see. Of course, as a person who had the title of "one date wonder", this left me conflicted and brought about unnecessary stress to a situation that already was stressful for me.
We went on a second date (and a third and a fourth...and more), but it was always kind of stressful for me. Maybe because I was dealing with the girls and wondering when they were going home wanting to spend as much time with them while I had them...or maybe not.
The weeks and months passed by and I really struggled with what was going on with me and the relationship. I chose the word "trust" for my "One Word" (my "reflection" will come in a later post, but it's a relevant reminder) in part because I knew that I wanted to be "open" and trust God's plan for me in this aspect, even if it was challenging. So, I prayed a lot about the relationship and my feelings about it, trying to make sense of why it was so hard and I found myself crying about it a lot too...and of course doing a lot of "talking it out" (because that's how I roll!) with trusted people in person and here on my blog.
Little did I know when I wrote this post back on June 4, I would not hear from him again. (I have seen him a couple of times at church, but we have not made eye contact. It still stings to know that I hurt him [but, I do remind myself that he never called me again after that night, so it wasn't me not returning his calls which, unfortunately, was the "fate" of the last guy who liked me that much].)That day was really hard. It was even difficult reading it again tonight and remembering how I felt that evening...I felt like I was outside myself observing the situation and trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me that I couldn't see how "good" this was and "want" it more than it felt like I did.
Thankfully, I saw my therapist a couple of days later. She reminded me of my "uniqueness" and helped me not see myself as being "in the wrong"...this was/is who I am. Now, I am feeling thankful that "vocation" is a word I heard a lot of growing up Catholic because now I am okay believing that singleness could very well be my "vocation". I actually have a lot of amazing single role models in my life who have taken that vocation very seriously and done amazing things with it. I am also thankful for all my "new" friends who speak often the word "ministry" which is not necessarily something I grew up discussion. However, I also see my that my own unique "ministry" (my "3Ps") that I love very much aligns well with my vocation as a single person.
Last year when we were at the ice skating rink getting filmed by a new crew, "another" couple was filmed as well. They were filmed as he proposed to her out there on the ice...just one year after they had a date on the ice too.
So, it could have been...but it wasn't meant to be...and I'm okay with that...and I do believe that I did "trust" God...
I got to spent my first one-on-one day with the little one since they went back home on September 30. I picked her up at 1:00 and dropped her off at 9:30, so we had a busy day (and fun!) I work this weekend after being off for four days, so probably should go to bed instead of write a blog post. I did snap one "bloggable" picture that I did want to share, though :)
I was debating on if I was going to post something or just go to bed. My stomach is doing weird things, so I need to go to bed, but I was staring at my blog deciding what to do and saw the "Quote of the Day" that looked like it ought to go in a post called "Thursday Thoughts".
So, here it is:
"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy." ~Guillaume Apollinaire
And, for good measure, here's another quote from my blog to think about:
"Every experience God gives us, every person He brings into our lives is the perfect preparation for the future only He can see." ~Corrie ten Boom
I wasn't going to "blog" tonight, especially since it's way past my bed time, but I've shared this "drama" story many times today and think I should also have it recorded here since it makes me laugh.
Yesterday afternoon, I called the caseworker who still follows the girls/their brothers/their mom. While I don't have any concerns about the kids being at home, I was/am worried about their mom taking care of herself. She did not look very "healthy" when I dropped off the girls after the hockey game and talked to her. I decided then that I would try and "check in" periodically/frequently, especially since she seems comfortable talking to me (for some reason!) The caseworker said that their mom refuses therapy (and basically any assistance that isn't monetary...at least that's what it sounds like to me). She thought that if I wanted to do that, that was ok/helpful. I let her know that I don't believe much of what their mom tells me and take things with a grain of salt and will do what I can to protect myself from being "burdened" by her while at the same time providing the "sounding board" she doesn't know she needs. I told the worker that she can contact me with questions/concerns and I'll be in touch too, but not so much that there are suspicions that I'm looking for information because that isn't really my goal. I just really don't want her to die and leave her kids "orphans"...
When I last talked to her, she said it would be okay for me to bring the little one to a show at the children's theater on Friday. I never hold my breath when it comes to "plans" with her since she doesn't exactly know how to plan. So, I decided to check in with her last night. This is exactly what I texted her last night just before 10:30: "Was going to call you today or tomorrow to talk to you about this week & see how you were doing. I'm off so you can call me at your convenience or let me know a good time. Hope you're well :)"
My phone immediately rang. When I answered, she said "Amanda, I'm not doing well AT ALL!" Um, okay, thanks for calling?? I was sympathetic, of course, told her I was sorry, asked what was wrong, etc. She proceeded to tell me about some "women problems" she was having (in detail I won't go into here because y'all don't need/want to hear all about that). She said she had a pain in her side too and that she may just have to go to the ER. Being one who doesn't think ER's ought to be used for "primary care", I asked if she had a regular doctor. When she said she did, I told her that she would be better off waiting until she could see him because she likely won't get "answers" in the ER and depending on what's going on there, they probably wouldn't have that much time to deal with her (sorry, traumas trump a woman who's having her sort of issue). She told me she was really freaking out/anxious and her feet were really cold. Since she thinks she is really smart, I told her that is the "fight or flight" hormones working to make sure all the blood was getting to her vital internal organs (when I suggested that maybe her fingers were cold too, she agreed that yes they were freezing). My recommendation was a couple extra pairs of socks, maybe a pair of gloves, and elevate her feet (and skip the ER visit). I told her to let me know if she needed help with anything that reminded her that I'm here...she said I'd be "the first person she'd call". We didn't get to any discussion about Friday because she got a headache halfway through a sentence and said she really needed to go. She said she'd call today (that didn't happen and she didn't answer the text I sent her today, so I'll call her tomorrow).
When I hung up the phone, I just started laughing out loud. Seriously, she is so dramatic, but it definitely seemed like she believed what I was telling her (which is also kind of funny...while I'd like to think I know what I'm talking about since I've been a nurse for nearly 10 years, pretty much all I know is hospital pediatric stuff so there was a little BS tossed in there to add my own layer of drama for her ;) ). It cracks me up that she chose to call me right away when my text specifically said "at your convenience"...apparently she needed to tell someone that she was feeling awful!
I do understand that I am not a therapist and I am not "equipped" to take on all of her problems. However, I do know the benefit I have had in having a therapist as well as a "spiritual director" along with my "blog friends", "tweeps", and extended family members to "talk things out". I know that sometimes I just need to talk and am not really looking for answers or advice and I have been blessed with some good listeners! So, if I can be a listener and occasional voice of reason/giver of advice and it helps her cope with her stress/anxiety/depression/whatever she's dealing with, then that will help her kids too. :)
And, speaking of her kids...the teen apparently got a cell phone because she texted me the number tonight. We texted for about 20 minutes ( for the record, texting is not helping her already troubled spelling/grammar...) and it warms my heart that she chose to give me her number right away. (I was looking at my post from a year ago which was actually when mom went to court and I thought they were going home "very soon"....and then were here almost 10 more months). A year ago, I don't think I would have believed that she trusted me and cared enough about me to want me to have her cell phone number so I could contact her whenever I wanted. I'm not saying that she DIDN'T care about me, but our relationship was no where near as strong then as it is now (she did start therapy in January and went until April or May which I think helped a lot with her communication even though she likely didn't realize that ;) ) She did not inherit her mom's "drama queen" tendencies, but the little one may have...so hopefully I can help keep that in check so she can behave "normally" when she's an adult ;)
I posted something on my blog every day from October 31 through December 3. After 34 days in a row, I took a little breather yesterday...and maybe should have refrained from posting today, but here I am ;)
Alece is how I decided to come up with "One Word" for 2011 (and I wasn't one of the "300 strong" who linked up). I am, however, planning to write a "wrap-up" post because I have been reflecting a lot on my word, even sharing it with multiple people this past week (twice today even). I have the next four days off, so I should have time to think about it and hopefully come up with a thoughtful reflection.
I am very much looking forward to these four days off, especially after the past four days I've worked (Wednesday, Thursday, yesterday, and today). Today was much better, even though it didn't really start off that great and I was worried it was going to be another day of running around without being able to eat or drink, but it was fine :) I even got to have a couple of "bold" words with the wife of the dad who has been making our shifts much worse than they need to be. I am thankful that I'm not nearly as shy, but I do need to watch myself...I do tend to get carried away, although dropping the "F-bomb" bright and early yesterday morning did get me some "interesting" looks from my co-workers (I don't really want to "be like that", but I am human too and some things really do irritate me enough to lose my cool now and then).
I am hoping that these days are productive ones at home, especially since the current plan is for the little one to come over for a while on Friday before we go to a play :) I need to check in with her mom tomorrow to see if that plan still works. My dad is coming over with his new drill to hang some pictures (and my mirror where I hang all my Christmas cards) tomorrow. I want to put out the rest of my Christmas decorations and send my cards (I've had them for two weeks already and need to know if I have to buy more since I didn't count before I ordered!) I think I'd like my teacher aunt to help me with some house projects during her Christmas break, but there are things I need to do to prepare for that too.
So, I have "big plans" for this week...and now they are written down to (sort of) help make me accountable (I am definitely guilty of getting caught up in reading things online/watching TV when I need to be up doing stuff).
I'm excited that it is almost 10:00 because then I think I will go to bed. For some reason, this day seems to have been never-ending. I suppose that isn't necessarily a bad thing since many days go by too fast, but it just has felt like it has gone on and on!
Maybe it's because I got up at 6:15 AM on a day I did not have to work. So, at this point, I've been up for over 15 1/2 hours and it isn't because I spent 12 1/2 working. I typically do not get up early on my days off work, or if I do, I end up taking a nap.
I got up early today because I was a "medical" volunteer at an event for foster children. It was sponsored by one of the other agencies in town who host a two day CEU event for foster parents and arrange activities for their children and current placements. It was only the second event I had done with this group and I had no idea what to expect (or what was expected of me because I may be a pediatric nurse, but I pretty much just know how to do hospital things...I guess my "role" would be to keep people calm and call 911 if there were any emergencies!) I was put with the K-5th grade kids, but was just going to do the morning since I had a choir event at 1:00. It may have been in the original email that I didn't fully read, but when I got there, I found out that they would be taking that age group to a Build-a-Bear place at the mall across town and then to a day care for lunch. (Unfortunately, my choir event was right near the original meeting place, so I had to drive across town and then planned to drive all the way back. However, the weather was bad today and I didn't make it to my choir event which was sad.) So, I did not ride on the bus to the mall (which is probably okay!)
I had no idea how many kids there were until they arrived at the mall. I never guessed there would be 120 of them! Yes, 120 kids at the Build-a-Bear store, each to make their own bear. Wow. Seriously. I found myself a chair right outside the store so I could observe and be available if someone needed a band-aid or something. So, I wasn't inside watching any sort of chaos that I figured would occur with that many children in a small store. However, these children were AMAZING! I think it ended up taking two hours to get all the groups through the whole process of getting a bear, a heart, naming it, getting a birth certificate, stuffing it...the whole bit. They had about half the kids outside the store in the mall and the other half inside and even the kids in the mall area acted great (for the most part...boredom did kick in toward the end, but I definitely didn't blame them because two hours is a LONG time!) I was really impressed (and also thankful that I didn't have to be in the store and also wasn't responsible for keeping them in control!)
After all the bears were made, I drove to the place where they were having lunch so I could "hand off" to my replacement, but she wasn't there and I was intending to go to choir, so I left...right into the bad weather. The visibility was stinky and the roads were pretty slick since it was right on the border between freezing and not freezing, so it was slush then ice, then slush, etc. I knew I wouldn't make it, so I drove home. I had been going slowly, but took a turn right by my house a bit too quickly and spun into the next lane. It was SO scary, but thankfully there were no cars coming in either direction. Needless to say, I let my parents pick me up and drop me off for my pedicure in their four-wheel-drive so I didn't have to go out again...I really don't like to drive and there were cars getting stuck, but I wanted to meet my mom and sister for pedicures, so we worked it out ;)
I think I ate dinner around 5:00 since all I had for lunch was an Orange Julius. So, I think that probably made the day seem longer too since I'm used to eating pretty late after work. Thankfully, one of my co-workers was on fb, so we chatted for quite a while. She let me vent about that patient's dad and asked if I was okay taking her so much. She shared that the dad was talked to last night and will likely get talked to again on Monday about the way he treats us. Hopefully it helps! She also let me know that management may try to force a couple of people to work Christmas two years in a row. The staff is trying to fight it because that's really not fair since we HAVE a "fair" way of splitting holidays so you only have to work Christmas every three years. That meeting will be on Monday...it will be interesting to see what happens. I picked up New Year's Eve and the day after New Year's, so I doubt they would force me to work Christmas too (Thanksgiving was my holiday), but you never know.
While on fb, I also talked to the sister of one of my patients who passed away four years ago. She "randomly" messaged me and told me she missed me "so much"! It was really sweet and definitely makes the sad/challenging parts of my job worth it. She is now 12, but she was only about 5 when I met her. I spent lots of time with her and her younger sister while her brother was in the hospital taking them to the park, my church festival, etc. They also spent at least one Thanksgiving with my family and my family adopted their family for Christmas two or three of the years they lived here while her brother was receiving medical care. Knowing how much of an impact I made on her at a young age with "sporadic" meetings reminds me of why I have chosen to be a foster parent. It is awesome to know that one person can change a child's life forever (even after they go back home and you don't see or talk to them for months/years).
The weather and the sleeping in make me glad that I'm on a "break", but those kids this morning and that chat this evening do give me a little bit of an "itch" to start getting calls for my next placement...not yet! Plus, my house is a mess and I need to figure out what, if anything, I'm going to do with the bedrooms for future placements. They definitely worked "perfectly" for the girls, but maybe not-so-much for a different age of child, and/or different "behavior"...I suppose time will tell.
I did manage to put the rest of the ornaments on the tree and took out a lot of my decorations. I think I'm only going to do one tree this year instead of the three that we did last year. However, I guess if the little one wants to decorate a little tree when she's here on Friday (hopefully here on Friday), we can do it then. I also forced myself to put away laundry and load/run the dishwasher before I could take a "chips and salsa break".
It sounds like there were/are some exciting college football games on TV today, but I actually didn't watch much of them. It will be fun to watch Bowl games on my new TV :)
Back to work tomorrow...and it's after 10, so I don't feel lazy going to bed this early (I've been up for 16 hours and didn't take a nap, so that's pretty good for me too!)
The past two days at work were extremely busy! We are overflowing with patients and all of them seem to have high needs. I ran my tail off for 12 hours both days and basically just sat down long enough to eat...lunch only. I did not get to eat breakfast either day, so both days the only thing I had in my stomach before 1:00 (after getting up at 6) was coffee (and Mike & Ike's from my Secret Santa yesterday). I think I maybe drank (at the most) two cups of water the entire day. It was seriously crazy (and I had to remind myself of my "3 P's" multiple times!)
I was going to title this post "Don't be an A*" as in, don't be an a-hole, or something similar, but opted against using that at this point. However, I've been taking care of a patient for the past three months nearly every day that I work. I get along great with her (she's a teenager) and her mom...as do most of the people on my floor. However, her dad really is not a nice person...at least that is the consensus of everyone who has had contact with him. So, most nurses do what they can to avoid taking this patient on the days her dad is there because he can, and often will, make your life/shift miserable. Thankfully, he isn't awful to me quite as often as he is to other people (I think because his daughter likes me), so I take her almost every time I work so I don't have to deal with crabby co-workers (and because I do like the kid most of the time).
Yesterday really was not an enjoyable day, likely due in part from having a very busy/stressful day on Wednesday but also because her dad was CRABBY. His child is rather sick which meant I had to make multiple trips into the room to do things to care for her needs. I could not avoid it and dreaded every time I had to walk down that hallway and into her room knowing I'd have "daggers" thrown at me every time. My other patients were sick and had "high needs" as well and I didn't have the time or the energy to deal with his negativity, rude comments, glares, etc. and it kind of made for a miserable day (thank goodness for my Secret Santa gift and empathetic co-workers who were definitely thankful it was me and not them...ha!)
I was exhausted when I got home (after getting fast food because I didn't want to wait for a frozen meal or making anything...I seriously need to get to the gym!) and my back, legs, and feet were sore. I sat on the couch for a little while watching TV and IMing with the teen and then headed to bed early. I was asleep by 11 and didn't set an alarm. I woke up at 8 when I needed to go to the bathroom. I quickly fell back asleep and didn't wake up again until 11:15! It wasn't like I was being lazy and just couldn't pull myself out of bed, I seriously slept solid the entire time (even with the sun coming through my window!) I guess I needed that...and am grateful that I COULD get that sleep that I obviously needed. I know it's a "privilege" that I don't take for granted, but it was a definite reminder of how tough my job really is (even though it's my Passion & Purpose and I Plan to continue doing it!) I'm thankful I had today off and tomorrow as well. I also may need to consider taking a break from that patient (I did take one a couple of weeks ago) except her mom will be back on Sunday and I enjoy visiting with her :) I seriously wish I could tell him to stop being an a-hole and maybe he'll get better results from the people who, need I remind him, are taking care of his child!
I am thankful that he is in the minority and most people really do appreciate the care that we give. It's unfortunate that they have been in the hospital this long so we have had to deal with the negativity and a-hole-ness for a very long time.
I talked about my "One Word" for 2011 at my therapy appointment on Tuesday and my Spiritual Director appointment today, so will have to do a "reflection" post at some point. I also think I know my "One Word" for 2012 and am looking forward to "unveiling" that. I have a busy day tomorrow (even though I'm "off"), so I'd better head to bed.
Today is Poppy Joy's 4th birthday. Even though I don't really have contact with her mom (likely because she is now raising 3 kids and rarely blogs), I have not forgotten Poppy Joy or her legacy. Every time I hear the song that plays on her video (Amazing Grace-My Chains Are Gone by Chris Tomlin), I think about her. I'm re-posting the first birthday post I wrote about her. Even though it is somewhat disjointed, I think it shows how much she really meant to me then, and means to me now. I'm in a different "season" now and have grown and changed even more during the three years since I wrote that post. However, I am thankful for this "record" of where I have been and reminders of those who have touched my life in very special ways. (Here's a link to the post I wrote last year and the one I wrote in 2009.) So, today I am remembering Poppy Joy and her family in a very special way (as well as the families of all the babies I "met" during those months who left this world too soon but have left imprints on the hearts of those who were blessed to "know" them).
Remembering Poppy Joy (Originally Posted December 1, 2008 at 10:26 AM)
I've actually been "planning" this post for weeks (I know, that could be a sign that I have some "blog issues", but this time I think it is "okay"!).
It is November 25 and I am going to see how far I get with what I want to write (I have already started crying and have only typed three sentences, so it may take me a few days!). The post eventually be set to publish on December 1 at 10:26 AM.
That day, that time, because one year ago, the world was blessed with the beautiful Poppy Joy. Not to be overly dramatic, but I do not think my life would be the way it is today without that day. So many things have happened this past year that I could not have imagined, and I honestly think it began with Poppy Joy .
Prior to that day, a year ago, I had posted 75 times on my blog. I had a couple blogs that I read regularly. If I remember correctly, I had found Emily through one of them and had been blessed by her words, but had not yet met her precious Miller Grace . I had stumbled upon a couple other stories of babies born with Trisomy 18, but for whatever reason didn't really "get it". I read a post or two and carried on...not forgetting them, but apparently, that wasn't "the right time". And then, I saw a prayer request posted in a comment on one of the blogs I was reading to go to http://poppyjoy.blogspot.com and pray for this family who was about to meet their baby girl. That memory is so vivid to me that I can almost see the words. And so, I prayed, and I visited. And a few days later, I watched this video.
Prior to that day, I had seen kids die. I had sat with grieving parents, held their hands, and cried with them. However, most of those kids passed away after fighting battles, many who seemed to have fought off death more times than could be counted. They endured so much that when it came to "the end" of their life here, it was hard to believe it had actually come to that. So, this was really my first experience witnessing the joy that comes with celebrating the minutes here rather than watching the minutes slip away...
(November 26) I had been in the presence of some very "faith-filled" people. I considered myself to be a person who had a good deal of faith. However, I don't think I had ever seen anything like what I saw in that video. Through the tears, I remember thinking "wow"..."wow" was all I could think because I'm not sure there are actual words to describe the feelings that came to me (even though I "re-watched" it yesterday, that didn't really help me find the words!) (November 27) This wasn't about watching Poppy Joydie, it was about seeing her LIVE. I had never witnessed anything like that, and clearly it left a permanent impression.
Of course, since I attended college in Texas, I noticed the sweet Southern accent and was "hooked" (just kidding, but that part did make the video "extra sweet" for me :o) ).
About six weeks later, I found an email from Angiein my inbox. Now, that memory isn't quite as vivid, but I think it would be safe to say that I was surprised...and probably cried (because, you know, I'm a "crier"). She had started their adoption paperwork, and I was taking the first steps to becoming a foster parent. She even wrote about "walking this road together". As it turns out, I moved quite a bit slower and they have Adrienne, but it still was really sweet of her to reach out to me like that. She also "randomly" emailed me in April while I was taking classes and was at a point where I needed a little reminder about why I was doing it. Angie quickly responded to questions I had about open adoption for a friend of mine, and about things to do in her part of the country when I found myself near there this summer. What a blessing!
And THEN, I was led to more precious babies and their families. Sweet, beautiful people who have reminded me time and again that moments, minutes, hours, and days matter, and should not be taken for granted. Some I learned from and they don't even know. Others I know would be there for me in a heartbeat if I ever asked for prayers. A couple have become more than "blog friends" (although "I'm still Amanda from the Blog"...ha ha, thanks Kristy!) All have blessed me in ways they will never fully know (although I sure did try with this post!)
Blessings upon blessings...Friendships, unexpected, maybe even unlikely...Stories I didn't know existed...Unwavering faith in times that easily could have brought despair and doubt...
(November 30) To think, it all began with a tiny, 5 pound 11 ounce girl named Poppy Joywho spent three hours on Earth one year ago. She lives on in all who who have been blessed to meet her and her precious family.
I have included dates in this post so maybe that will explain a little bit of the "disjointedness". I will admit that I had great expectations for this post considering it has been in "the works" in my head for weeks. I am not sure my words have been able to fully capture the magnitude of all that I am feeling in my heart. I suppose my heart knows even what my head is unable to tell my fingers to type and go with that!
I have been asked a time or two why I spend time reading "sad blogs" when I deal with sickness and death in the work that I do. It is hard to explain to people, but while there are definitely sad times, look how much I have learned! And I know for certain that my faith has grown stronger this past year and I wouldn't trade that for anything...
So, today, I am remembering Poppy Joy, thanking God for her life, and all the blessings that have happened because she lived. Prayers to her family, as they surely are missing her even more today.
