Still Shocked

This was a rough weekend at work, so I took yesterday off from posting (and today kind of too, since I'm doing a "re-post"). I have been taking care of the same patient nearly every shift for the past three(+) months. I like her, her mom, and her siblings, but her dad is often hard to take. I was starting to get really stressed out by his behavior, particularly the way he treats other people (he is not usually as awful to me as he is to my colleagues), so was really hoping for a "break" from the drama this weekend to "fill my cup" with patients whose families actually appreciate what we do. Argh! (Being able to vent here is one of the (many) reasons this blog is "anonymous"...)

Anyway, I was so thankful when I went to work on Saturday morning that I was indeed going to get a "break", so maybe the "F-bombs" I've dropped at work in recent days would not be necessary. I was thrilled to get to take care of a girl I cared for 5 years ago because she was super sweet and her family is great. Of course, it stinks that she was in the hospital, but I figured we'd have a good/fun day anyway. :)

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. She ended up being pretty sick and things weren't quite right, so I transferred her to the ICU around 11:30 in the morning since she had more medical needs than could be handled when I had two other patients to care for. She seemed to be better by the end of the shift, so I decided not to go back and visit her before I left knowing that I would be working again on Sunday.

When I arrived at work on Sunday morning, it was to a room of distraught people who directed me to the "board" that informed all of us that she had passed away during the night shift. I still can't believe it and do regret that I didn't give her mom one last hug before leaving for the night...although I am thankful that I gave her younger sister a really long one earlier in the day because that is something I will remember. I also have some good memories of her, including some from Saturday morning when she was pretty out of it.

Kids dying is one of the "job hazards" of being a pediatric nurse and I don't think it ever gets "easier" (because, seriously, if you aren't sad about kids dying, you aren't human). I am, however, thankful that I make a point to have relationships with my patients so when they "go away" (whether home or to their Heavenly home), I have memories that can stay in my heart forever.

Her "sleep mask" was lost in the linens during the move to the ICU, but found on Sunday after she had died and brought to the floor by someone in housekeeping. Today, I mailed it to her family along with a note as well as a picture I found from the summer of 2007. I'm thankful I "blogged" about it because I must have deleted that picture from my camera!

My thoughts and prayers are with her family at this time...she was a very special girl and will definitely be missed.

Originally posted May 31, 2007
(My sixth blog post ever!)

Organ and tissue donation is an issue very close to my heart because of the work I do. Because of this, I decided earlier this year that I wanted to run the 10K at the "Life-a-Thon" this year, an event to promote organ and tissue donor awareness and also to celebrate donor families. Five or six years ago, I did a couple 10Ks and a few 5Ks, but hadn't really run much since then. When it was about 5 weeks before the race, I decided it was time to "train". My training consisted of running 5 or 6 times, the farthest being 4 miles 5 days before the race. Somehow I managed to run the entire race (it took me a little over 70 minutes to run the 6.2 miles, but I did it!). I think it was because of the cause (and probably a few special angels cheering me on!). The photo above is me after the race with a transplant recipient and her sister, who probably will also need a transplant someday.


***More than 94,000 Americans are currently waiting for an organ transplant. Over 2,000 of them are children. Approximately 17 patients die each day, before receiving their lifesaving organ transplant due to the organ donor shortage.***

Finding My Words

Ever since I read the words on Sara's blog last Wednesday saying that hospice had been brought into her home and her days left here would be few, I have been trying to find my words. That post came two days after I found out that my foster daughters could go home and their days left here in my home would also be few.

Every time I thought maybe I'd be able to find the words, I'd read another beautiful post by one of her friends (like Alece, Mandy and Shannon). I bawled reading this post and even though I kept reminding myself that I just needed to speak from my heart and be myself, I just couldn't do it. Even though this post put into words how you can be so incredibly sad to lose someone that you've never actually "met" (thank you social media), I still struggled. I was thankful for the nearly 700 comments on that post last Wednesday and the well over 100 links on this post to help me not feel so crazy to feel this way about someone I never actually met. I know that my family and friends who live here would NEVER understand, but I'm so grateful to have friends who do.

Finally, I'm sitting in a quiet house with a Green Apple Smirnoff and going to attempt to find some words to share.

I was trying to remember when and how I first came to know Sara (Gitzen Girl). However, I really can't remember. I think either it's one of those things that happened that didn't seem significant at the time, but ended up being something much bigger or something so "fabulous" that I can't remember my life without her blog in it ;)

I did do a little "research" and it appears that the first post I wrote that mentioned her was in February of 2009 in this post. It appears that the first time I actually left a comment on her blog was that same month on this post which is actually a very funny "Flashback Friday" about when she had someone get her chicken on a Friday during Lent since it "wasn't meat"...one of the many reasons people love Sara :)

The month after that, Sara was doing something called "Hump Day Giveaways" which again is super funny because who doesn't enjoy saying "Hump Day Giveaway"?! ;) I left a comment on this post, found out the following day I was a winner, and wrote a rather boastful post on my blog to celebrate. That canvas now hangs in my kitchen and it is a gift I will treasure forever.


In April 2010, I wrote about "bringing Sara" to Holy Week services with me and how that made it that much more special (FYI the rest of that post is really boring and all over the place, but I did write about that ;) ) Knowing Sara and her "circumstances" definitely helped change my views on a lot of things...I open the windows more, I play in the rain more, take more time to look at flowers and listen to nature, and hope I take less of my life and its blessings for granted.


In June 2010, I was completely "star struck" after being included in Gitz Bits (I sent her "Glee Gum") and had begun to refer to myself as a "Gitzen Girl Groupie" (or THE Gitzen Girl Groupie...excuse me ;) ) That was the month I became a foster parent and I was on the receiving end of many prayers and much love and support in that decision and the journey that followed.

The following month, Sara's dad died suddenly and I wrote in this (very long) post that I had read it while I was at work and was so sad for her, especially since she was unable to really be with her whole family during that time. A month or two ago, I shared with her that she and her parents were in one of my dreams. I wish I could get my twitter feed back that far since I don't remember everything, but I remember making some kind of comment to her dad about "checking out early" and he had some kind of sarcastic remark since obviously mine was a bit out of line...she told me that was the kind of response I would have gotten from him. There was more in that dream that I can't remember now, but I am glad I was able to share some of it with her.


In September, 2010, the "little one" (my then 3-year-old foster daughter) and I found this video.



I can't even tell you how many times we watched it or how many nights in a row she asked to "see Sara". I've watched it a few times this past week too because I have also wanted to "see Sara". This is the closest I ever really came to "seeing" her. We made plans to Skype a few times last fall, but it never worked out with her health/our schedules. Last September was the first time I remember telling her that "for real" seeing and/or talking to her was on my "Bucket List"...she laughed and/or made fun of me every time I said it (her exact words in a tweet were "oh my word, I'm not bucket list material, woman! Riley, maybe :)" ) The last tweet I could find from her was about six weeks ago before Jessica's visit. She was SO excited about that visit and I told her I was jealous of Jessica (no offense...she responded that I was jealous of the wrong person!) I reminded her of my "Bucket List" and she responded "we'll get that checked off someday, girl. then you can aim higher :)" Totally Sara :)

In October 2010, I participated in my first (and only) "Take Five Friday" and in December, I linked up to my one (and only) "You: Create" link-up. I was inspired to make a canvas for my teenage foster daughter's 16th birthday. Sara helped me figure out what to put on it by suggesting song lyrics. I decided to use lyrics from Lady Antebellum's song "I Was Here"--"I know it's my destiny to leave more than a trace of myself in this place." Those are some powerful words and I definitely know Sara is leaving WAY more than a trace of herself in this place.

I'm not sure why my "research" didn't find any posts from 2011, but I think it's because 2011 had more "tweets" and blog comments exchanged than anything else. Sara may have been a "big name blogger", but she had a way of making everyone feel like they were the most important person in the world to her. She prayed for you, she rejoiced with you, she cried with you, she was a cheerleader and a devoted friend and family member. In response to a comment I left on one of her (in)courage posts back in May, she told me "hi, sweet girl. you are doing such an amazing with those girls, and I know they will treasure these memories just as much as you do. much love!" That was written just a few days before I thought the girls were going home. Now, as I am just days away of them "for real" going home, they are exactly the words I need to hear. That is Sara...one of the many things about her that will be missed...

Hopefully my struggle to find my words wasn't too painful for anyone else to read, but this blog has always been for me and I want to remember this. It is a little "linky crazy", but at least all (or most) of my "Sara posts" will be in one place whenever I need a reminder to "Choose Joy". Sara is more precious to me than words can say. I regret that there are cards I bought for her that never were sent. I wish I really would have hopped in my car one day and drove to see her (honestly, I was more afraid of any "funky stuff" that I carried on me from being a pediatric nurse than afraid of being seen as a "crazy lady" for randomly showing up on her doorstep!) I'm not sure Sara ever could have met a stranger who didn't soon become her friend...and that is why there are "strangers" all over the world grieving over the fact that this world is losing an amazing person while also celebrating that in Heaven she will be free of the pain she faced on this Earth. Sara, you will be missed, but know that your legacy will live on in each and every person who has read your words, heard your story, been on the receiving end of a tweet/email/blog comment, etc. Who knew that a farm girl from Iowa who couldn't leave her condo could do so much good...only God...and I am SO very blessed that God chose me to be a part of it too. Thank you Sara. And, if any of her family happens upon this post...thanks for sharing Sara with all of us...my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.


Update: Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this post, drinking the last sip of my Green Apple Smirnoff, Sara was taking her last breath. I woke up at 6:00 this morning to get ready for work and saw the posts on twitter. I haven't exactly had time to process since I need to leave for work very shortly, but will be praying for her family and all who love her. I found a scrub top to wear to work that has hearts and stars and the words "Love", "Peace", and "Joy"...I will remember to "Choose Joy".


Also, if you clicked here from Jessica's site and were curious about the red square thumbnail...well, it was supposed to be this--a picture (from my phone) of my canvas on the wall in my kitchen. However, I obviously had some major technological difficulties and had no clue how to fix it ;)

Choose Joy

Right now, I have no words besides this...

What Makes Me Sad

This afternoon, we had a "family team meeting", even though the plan is for the girls to go home on Tuesday. We haven't had one since January and none of the ones I attended were very productive. So, I guess we "had" to have one since it had been so long and I guess "touch base" before court. In attendance was myself, the service coordinator, both agency workers (the one for the girls and the one for the boys), and their mom.

I was determined not to cry...and I did not. Her new place is nice, which is good. It is government housing and they gave her a four-bedroom place so there was room for everyone to come home. She has been there a month and hasn't gotten a single bed for any of her five children who are to be coming home in five days. I offered her a full-size bed in January, but she has to arrange someone to come get it at a time that works for me. Today, she told me she needs a kitchen table if I know anyone who wants to give her one. She asked the service coordinator to find her beds...bunk beds if possible.

She didn't want to have the girls come tomorrow and stay until Monday because she is "low on groceries", but they are to go from Saturday to Monday. She more or less said that as soon as her kids get back then she can get her welfare back...and that is that. She is not planning to find work. When asked what she would do if she didn't get her welfare checks, she said that won't happen, so she didn't need to plan for that. She mentioned something about a "benefit dinner" to help pay for the teen's school (are you for real?!) but did say that it is important for her to continue attending that school (good to hear, but not for sure I believe in her ability to follow through with something that requires a bit of sacrifice and effort).

So, the girls will be going back to living on government assistance with a parent who has no desire to live any other way. They have spent 18 months in a stable environment getting ALL of their needs met--physical, social, mental, emotional, educational, etc.--and are about to go back to something that is anything but stable. The little one has a basic schedule with consistent rules and discipline. She definitely knows how to manipulate, but it doesn't really work here. She's the "baby", so I can see the "tantrums" and "outbursts" becoming more frequent and being dealt with in the easiest way possible which is giving in to her requests (eg. crying for candy, crying because she wants you to put her sweater on her, crying because she wants to watch a movie...)

I know they are "lucky" to have been able to experience life outside of poverty and see that you get to do fun things if you work hard. They have been given amazing role models (if I do say so myself ;) ) and have seen another way of living. I realize that this alone could "break the cycle", but knowing that they are seen as much for being a "pay check" as they are for being "flesh and blood" is heartbreaking.

Tonight we went to a baseball game. Tomorrow, the little one is getting her pictures taken (and maybe the teen/me too). Tomorrow night, we are going to a concert. The little one doesn't know yet and the teen is going to record her reaction. I found three tickets in the "nosebleed" section for less than $50 when the original price for one was almost $70. The teen didn't show her excitement as much as I thought she would, but I know she is excited and is looking forward to sharing this experience with her sister. I can't believe I'm bringing a 3 1/2 year old to a concert...what can I say, these girls are spoiled (just like I was when I was a kid, right?! ;) ) and totally worth it!

Long and busy day tomorrow.
Good night.

Gonna Miss Him

None of these are very recent, but they do show him when he was feeling well. It's hard to believe he's really gone. We're gonna miss him.

In Heaven

First off, I'm amazed at how many people check fb...I am feeling SO loved by all the thoughts and prayers I was given both there AND on twitter...gotta love technology and social media :)

I got the girls off to their visit at 3:00. I rested for a little while (driving makes me SLEEPY and I knew I would be making at least three round-trips to the hospital and it took 20-30 minutes each way) and was about to head back around 4:00 when I got a call from my dad. Apparently my grandpa had asked to go to sleep, so they were going to give him some pain meds and shut off his blood pressure medicine and IV fluids and provide comfort cares. I let my dad know I was on my way.

I got there right as they were turning off the fluids at 4:30. He no longer had his eyes open and had labored breathing, but appeared comfortable. No one was sure how long it would take, so we mostly just stayed in his room, but sort of took turns as people felt comfortable. My dad and sister ended up needing to leave at 5:30 since their bowling league started. My mom had driven back from what was supposed to be a weekend with HER parents in a town about 3 1/2 hours away from here. I had to leave a little after 6:30 since my girls were being dropped back off at my house at 7. At that time, his heart had been in "SVT" for over an hour and the nurse kept telling us usually that it doesn't take long from there, but it sort of did...I think he was worried about my grandma (or maybe waiting for his daughter who was to arrive in town around 8:00). I hated to leave, but that's how it goes. The chaplain had come and we prayed, but mostly we were quiet. It was such an odd feeling just sitting in a room with lots of people listening to your loved one take his last breaths.

My mom texted to let me know my grandpa passed away at 7:43. Had I been at work today, I barely would have been off and there is no way I would have made it there in time. (I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to afford the three days of work I have already missed and the next one or two I will miss because of the funeral, but things will work out how they are supposed to.)

It was so weird doing "this" while being a "mom". I got the call (text), the little one needed a bath and to go to bed and the teen needed help remaining calm about her two papers that are due on Monday. I will definitely sleep well tonight!

Thanks for your prayers. (Wow, this has been quite the week of blogging...I guess I started a blog to be my journal rather than pen-and-paper and these days definitely were ones that needed to be "journaled" to help sort get rid of some stress, etc. :) )

Heaven is that greater glory of which Nature is only the first sketch -CS Lewis--Right before I was going to "Publish Post", this quote came up on twitter. Nice timing :)

When It Rains...

So...while the girls' mom was upset I didn't bring them over last night, I am feeling MUCH better about not being there during that time. She had wanted them from 5-8 and at just after 8:00 there was a police call followed by a standoff and shooting ending in a person (the one threatening the life of a baby) being killed AT THE SAME APARTMENT COMPLEX WHERE SHE LIVES! While I know those things can happen anywhere in a big city, I definitely think it gives me grounds to stand on my decision that my drop offs and pick ups need to be during daylight hours. I called my caseworker to let her know about the shooting and asked her to help me when it comes to discussing future visits when we have our team meeting on Monday.

I received a phone call from my dad at 1:45 this morning letting me know that my grandpa wasn't doing well. I was obviously not 100% coherent, but at that time asked if I should call in sick to work (2:00 is the cut-off time for day shift) He said my grandpa didn't look well at all, but I didn't feel a sense of urgency...and went back to sleep.

My alarm went off as scheduled at 5:30. During one of my snooze button pressing episodes, I noticed my phone had a text message. It was from my dad and said Kristi the respiratory therapist knew me. I texted back "Oh. Weird. How is gpa?" His response: "Priest was just here. NOT good just waiting now." Whoa, whoa what?! Waiting for what?! So, I called him and he said that grandpa likely wouldn't make it through the day. Through tears, I called work to say that I couldn't come in today (someone was on call, but I DID feel bad about making her come in). Then I called my sister and let her know. I picked her up on the way to the hospital. The girls were sleeping, but I let the teenager know and she's okay staying here with the little one for a while.

When we got there, my grandpa really was struggling hard to breathe. He is on a blood pressure med to keep his pressure up and blood flowing to his brain and heart, but also doesn't help his kidneys. His one lung is filled with nasty fluid and has a really bad infection. The infection is also in his blood and he has a urinary tract infection. So, not good...except he is alert and able to talk when aroused. The nurse he has today is absolutely amazing which is SUCH a blessing. I was there until around 10:00 when I came home to get the little one (it's about a 30 minute drive which is definitely not convenient, but it is what it is). I brought her back to the hospital and we stayed until 1. He's hanging in there, but I think he's afraid to die and leave my grandma. The nurse was talking to him about making his own decision about his life since those kinds of things are really tough for the people who don't want to let you go. He was sleeping a lot more when I left, but his breathing wasn't quite as labored so he looked more comfortable.

It is SO hard seeing him like that. I don't want to imagine life without him, especially my grandma's life without him. However, he has lived most of the past 6-8 weeks in the hospital or rehab and that can't have been enjoyable. With the infection, it will take WEEKS of antibiotics to treat which will affect the rest of his body. I'm not sure, medically speaking anyway, if his body can handle that.

Only God knows what is to happen and how many minutes/hours/days he has left on this earth. Your prayers for my family, especially my grandma, are appreciated.

The girls will be off to see their mom in about 45 minutes and then I'll likely head back to the hospital for a while.

A Hurting Heart

When I wrote about my stomach being in knots two days ago, I had no clue how much worse I would feel today. This truly has been a rough week--pretty sure the toughest I have had in the three months I have been a foster mom. The weather here seems to fit my mood because it is threatening rain and then drizzles and spits even though it wants to, needs to pour down. I've been crying on and off the past 24 hours when I am no longer able to fight them. I'm just waiting for the down pour to happen...and am thankful I have this place to come and try to sort out my thoughts and feelings :)

Rewind a few hours to yesterday morning. My little one still had a fever when she woke up and my teenager had a headache. I dropped her off at school anyway and the little one fell back asleep on the couch after some ibuprofen (she was pretty wild and crazy for a kid with a fever prior to that though...wow!) I was on my way to take the little one to her mom's house for the day when I got a call from the school that my teen needed to come home. So, I picked her up on the way and dropped both "sickies" off to their mom. After some "discussion", we agreed that me picking them up closer to 4 or 5 was much better than 9 PM (considering neither of my parents was thrilled I would be heading to that area of town at that time of night by myself). Of course, she tried to tell me that it is perfectly safe and that shouldn't be a deterrent in her getting to have the girls later blah blah blah. But, I some how was able to stand my ground. It helped that she had both girls the whole day instead of me bringing the teen there after school.

I went home and slept for like 3 1/2 hours since I was feeling kinda crappy and wanted to make sure I didn't get whatever the little one had. I picked up a non-feverish little one and a teen who was feeling a little better around 5:00. I think it's pretty "generous" that she was able to have them from 9:30-5 on a day that wasn't a regularly scheduled visit. I was thinking she would be a lot more intimidating than she was, so I guess I prepared myself well. Of course, I know that things could turn in an instant and I'll have to be prepared for that as well.

When we got home, I let the little one watch a Dora movie (again, I know) so I could try and resume the conversation I wanted to have with the teenager. I started off by apologizing for the night before. She needed to come up with something "catchy" to talk about Vitamin B12. She loves to sing, so I thought it would be fun for her to write a song about it to one of her favorite songs. Well, we spent 3 hours trying to figure it out and both went to bed at 12:30 without anything done. So, she was going to have nothing to turn in (except I was feeling awful and wrote a little something to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star for her before I went to bed) which definitely didn't help her stress level.

So, after I apologized for not helping her time management (she didn't end up going to that class so had until today to figure it out), I started back in with the rest of the conversation. I had barely started talking when the tears started flowing. She cried for a good 30-40 minutes as I talked to her and told her how proud I am of her, how special she is, how much she means to me, how I want the best for her, how I want her to be able to see how amazing she is, etc. She just bawled and was unable to speak (I did try and pause periodically to give her a chance to talk). I let her know that I am NOT upset by her grades because I KNOW how much effort she is putting forth. However, it seems that writing and reading comprehension are challenging for her so I suggested she talk to someone who can help her with that. My heart was just broken by the fact that it upset her SO much to hear how amazing she is...

If you have been reading this, then you KNOW how great of a kid she is. Seriously, this girl is amazing. My heart hurts that I didn't realize HOW much she was hurting inside. I mean, she has lived with me for THREE MONTHS and I knew she was hiding her feelings, but to see it come out like that is so sad. Now, I'm questioning everything...have I really not told her how special she is? Did she really not know how much she means to me? Okay, so maybe this really isn't about me, but I'm just feeling so awful. I guess maybe I've been too afraid to come right out and tell her how loved she is because I didn't want her to think I was trying to steal them away from their mom. I know I've told her how proud I am of her and that "she's the best", but apparently she doesn't really believe it.

Okay, now I'm a blubbering mess and hardly making any sense. In my heart I know I am helping these girls and so is my family, but I am wondering now if I should have been doing more. I have never pressured her to talk about her feelings, or about what brought them into the foster care system. Maybe she thought I didn't care, but that wasn't the case at all. It just makes me sad (my stomach has just been churning and now I'm not sure how I'll make the tears stop) to know that by her reaction, those aren't things she has heard often enough to actually believe them.

But, I DO care, and for however long she is living in this home, I will show her that I care, and tell her too. This transition back t0 home may be even more difficult than I imagined.

Alright, I've gotten out my big cry (now, if only the skies would open up and it start pouring down rain). I likely didn't make a whole lot of sense, but I feel a lot better.

It may be time to join the little one for a quick nap before we pick up her sister.

Bummer

I'm really bummed out about a couple of things and I'm hoping if I "blog" about them, I will feel better/less bummed.

My brother-in-law gave me my laptop back today and said he was able to make it work again, but barely and to save all my files because he wasn't sure how long it would last. He said I need to buy a Mac the next time...I was hoping the "next time" wasn't coming so quickly. I got the laptop home tonight, turned it on, and nothing happened. So, even if it worked for him, it doesn't want to work for me...bummer! My net book works fine, but it is a little harder to work on and "M" is going to have homework to do that requires the computer and I still need my blogging/twitter/email time :)

The other "bummer" is different, but makes me even more sad than having to buy a new computer. However, it's something that I need to "get over" because there is nothing I can do about it. The little one and I went to a birthday party last night. We put on pretty dresses, I had gotten my hair done, did my make-up, did her hair, and let her put on sparkly lotion. We were dressed to party and both SO excited! She had a blast and I had fun watching her/chasing her. I did some visiting, but mostly tried to stay one step ahead of her so she didn't stick her hands in the cake, knock over any drinks, or do anything else she wasn't supposed to do (even though she is REALLY well-behaved, I had no clue what she was going to be like around other kids)! It was so much fun to be able to be at this party with my friend and her family, to celebrate this special life (keeping this vague on purpose, but if you've read my blog for a while, I'm sure you can read between the lines ;) )

As soon as I got home, I realized that I didn't get in any pictures besides the group one. I didn't get any cute pictures with me and little one, even though she did pose for a couple when I was standing RIGHT there. I didn't get a picture with the birthday girl. I still don't have any pictures of me and my friend together even though we have been friends for years. I just can't believe that I let this opportunity for some great pictures pass me by when there were at least two people taking photos throughout the party and I never took mine out once (and I carry my camera with me everywhere!). Honestly, my eyes fill with tears thinking about it and I'm hoping that by blogging it, I will be able to put the past behind me and realize that the memories are there even if the photos are not...

The teen and I started Jillian Michaels' 30.day.shred on Thursday, but skipped today since she hurt her ankle and I worked so wasn't motivated to do it alone...

Other than that, things are going well here, even with the "bummers". I have the next two days off and am looking forward to that. "M" starts school on the 19th and that will drastically change our routine!

Well, "M" is talking my ear off even though I am sitting here typing...ha!

Good night.

Struggling

I haven't had time to blog these days, but since I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, I figured I should make time (before the little one gets up and wonders why I'm crying).

I'm super sad for Sara who lost her dad suddenly last Friday and had to watch his funeral from her living room since she can't leave the house. (Information here on how you can make a card that will be sent with other cards.) She wrote a tribute to her dad in this post. I've never met Sara, but as one of her friends wrote about her, "Sara just reminds me of Jesus." It's true, her faith, her courage, her inspiration...she is amazing and I'm just really sad for her.

The husband of my choir director passed away the night before last. Services are tomorrow night and Friday, but I'm not sure I will be able to go. I'm going to try, but things really are more complicated these days. I've known this woman for SO long and showing support by attending services is something that I've "always" done.

My "A-team" girl is super sick and her mom is really struggling. I'm really sad for their family, especially when it sounds like the doctors aren't seeming very positive she will make it through this and get back home to her family. Of course, God is in control of that, but it is going to be a rough road.

I am technically "on-call" for work, but it sounds like once again I will not be working. I was "on-call" for a few hours on Monday, but was thankfully called into work. I was called off work a week ago, so this is the second time this pay period. If my math serves me right, I will be missing at LEAST 30% of my usual pay check. Considering the fact that a "normal" pay check barely covers my house payment, this is not good. There is an opportunity to go work on adult floors in order to get hours. I don't really want to do this, but after much thought and prayer, I decided that I ought to "suck it up" for a little while...unfortunately, I decided a little too late and was unable to take that opportunity today. I also caught wind of something that was happening where other nurses were getting paid extra to work when we weren't getting hours...that's when I lost it this morning and could no longer hold in my tears. I'm really struggling with trusting His plan in all of this, but suppose I am also thankful that I'm not used to living the life of luxury (although taking my girls to a movie or something would be fun).

I'm still waiting on getting money from the State for June. It isn't all about the money and my girls are fabulous, but that money WILL be a blessing (plus I need to pay my sister for watching them on the few days that I HAVE worked!) I had an issue with the other foster mom who was supposed to watch my girls on Sunday while we go celebrate my grandpa's birthday. She ended up asking someone else to do it, so I was stressed out about using one of my very few respite days OR having to pay this person. Thankfully, when I spoke to her yesterday, she said it would be okay and we didn't need to do either of those things. However, it still doesn't quite sit right with me that the other foster parents will get paid for the whole month of June as if they had the girls when they really didn't, but it is what it is and I shouldn't worry about it.

The conversation with that other foster mom yesterday was SO weird. She said that both she and the previous foster mom had not had good experiences with my teenager. She said that "M" was obnoxious and snotty and refused to help around the house. Really?! This girl who has been doing dishes and laundry and vacuuming since the day she stepped foot in my house?! This super sweet girl with the big smile who now giggles quite often and NEVER stops singing?! This girl who teases me and talked NON-STOP about her camp experience for two days?! I'm not here to judge and I KNOW I'm not perfect, but it makes me wonder what she felt like in those houses to make her act like that. Yesterday I "mentioned" that I needed to clean the bathroom and when I thought she was showering, she was actually cleaning the bathroom. Seriously, I love that girl. For some reason I didn't have much patience for her little sister yesterday, but hopefully today is better for both of us :)

So, I'm struggling, but the tears have stopped for now. I'm praying that things at work will get better soon and that I can continue to trust Him and His plans for me.

On a "really cool" note, I received an amazing message in my fb inbox. Back when I was in high school, my family did foster care for two sisters who were 5 and 3. We ended up kind of being a "respite" family. My dad wanted to adopt the 5-year-old, but the 3-year-old had severe fetal alcohol syndrome and was non-verbal and we didn't feel equipped to handle that. The 5-year-old had some behavior issues from the abuse/trauma she had endured and at the time they were a "pair" so it ended up not working out. They ended up splitting them up and the older one was adopted by a single mom. She is now 19 and the mom of a baby and my friend on fb. Over the weekend, she sent me a message about "the good old days" and missing having spaghetti at my grandma's house. That message really took me by surprise because she was only FIVE and really only with us for about three months. When I responded that I couldn't believe she remembered, she said of COURSE she remembered. I guess that really shows how much of a difference you can make in a child's life in a very short time, even if it is "nothing".

Well, the little one is up and I think it's time to stop crying and have breakfast.

Tired Eyes

I have no clue why I'm so tired, but it's mostly my eyes. I got plenty of sleep, but couldn't get myself to do anything and spent much of the day staring at my computer and the TV with little focus. I did go to Curves and mowed my lawn. I tried going to watch my cousin play tennis, but it started pouring before she played. I did have dinner with her, her sister, and my aunt and uncle which was nice. Then, I went to my cousin's apartment since I haven't seen it and we had a nice visit. Now I have found my place on the couch an my 60 minutes with the computer off either isn't going to happen or will happen while I watch my DVR of "Medium"...

I guess a lot of my attention has been to the coverage of the floods in Nashville. The pictures and stories are just devastating. It's so hard to believe that the places I visited (particularly the ones from this day) are under water. It just makes me want to cry. I actually DID cry when I watched this video.



I have visited Nashville at least four times, including a trip to the Grand Ole Opry to see Martina McBride for my 26th birthday. A picture showing a flooded Opry brought tears to my eyes. I found a picture that shows the same area of town that I took pictures of just last week. I created a collage to show the "before" and "after". The pond at my aunt and uncle's house flooded to a point that it got pretty close to their back porch (a tree that is typically 10 feet away from the pond is under water). It is just so sad...

I saw this video posted on a blog yesterday. It tells the story of how the song "It is Well With My Soul" came to be. It seems like I have heard it previously, but had forgotten. It actually is a really sad story...and amazing that he was able to have such good words to say during a tragic time in his life.

I actually heard THIS version on the way to work yesterday...weird (I just remembered that!)

My thoughts and prayers are with the people of Nashville and the surrounding areas...tomorrow, I need to be more productive around my house.
Good night.

Something More?

I am ready for this week to be over. I have had a hard time turning off the tears, my head (especially just behind my eyes and forehead) still aches intermittently, and I am just "not right". I ended up working until about 2:00 today. I didn't cry at work, but after that, the tears just showed up and wouldn't leave. Yes, I went to a rosary of someone who is very dear to me. Yes, later I went to a Vigil service for her. However, I have a hard time believing that ALL those tears were about grieving the loss of an 87-year-old with a heart condition who led a beautiful and fulfilled life that I was able to have an amazing conversation with just two months ago. I mean, everyone grieves in their own way and a loss is still a loss no matter how long the person lived. However, something tells me there is more to the tears because I was unable to shake them, even when my concrete, in the moment, rational mind was telling them to stop.

I cried during the rosary. I cried during the first reading (Romans 8: 31-39). I cried during the Psalm (Psalm 119). I cried during the Gospel (Matthew 5: 1-12). I cried during the welcome and the reflection. I cried when I talked to people. I cried when I tried to listen to my own thoughts. It was not pretty. And, it was not a whole lot of fun.

I always cry during this song, so at least that was sort of "okay".

Suscipe
My God, I am Yours for time and eternity;
Lord, I am yours forever.
It's You that must teach me to trust in Your providence, Loving Lord.

You are a God of love and tenderness,
I put my faith in You.
And I ask that You grant me acceptance of Your plan, O Loving Lord.

Take from my heart all painful anxiety,
Let nothing sadden me but sin.
And let my delight be hoping to see Your face, God my all.

After the evening service, I spent some time talking to people I hadn't seen in a while, and to some I have seen recently. I "caught up with" a girl who graduated two years ahead of me. I remember her, but don't remember ever actually talking to her. Apparently, she had a baby during the winter of her Senior year and I totally don't remember that (and I thought I was in EVERYONE'S business!) Her daughter will start high school there in the fall and they are both really excited. It was really nice to visit with her and we decided to be "facebook friends" :o)

I managed to keep my tears in check during dinner/horse betting/pickle opening with my parents (probably because I don't have any left...I haven't been drinking very much water these days...ha!)

I really hope the sun comes out tomorrow...it has been a rainy (and snowy!), cloudy, and chilly week. There is mud everywhere and it just looks gloomy, so I guess I really shouldn't wonder why I feel so crummy! I'm ready for spring, but also VERY ready to have my "old self" back.

Sleep should help too. Time for bed. Good night.

Fulfilled Life

I cried a lot today. It's been a while since I cried this much and I'm REALLY tired. However, I can't let this day go by without writing something...

I checked my email on my phone while I was at work this afternoon and found an email from the president of my high school. She wanted to let me know that my high school Latin teacher had passed away early this morning. I couldn't hold back the tears, and they have been coming on and off since then until I finally just decided to let it all out (hence the being REALLY tired right now!)

Yes, she was in her late 80s. Yes, she had been having heart problems. Yes, she lived a VERY fulfilled life, but hearing of her death still made me very sad. For months I talked about wanting to go see her and my piano teacher at the nursing home where they lived. For months I didn't make time, until I decided that I didn't want to wait too long and live with regrets. And so, on January 11, I went and visited. And what a terrific visit I had. I think that is part of why I am SO emotional about this...I am SO very grateful that I didn't miss that chance, that I was blessed with one more good conversation, that today I do not have regrets about not making time before it was too late.

During our visit, she gave me a little porcelain doll that now sits on a shelf in my living room. For sure I will treasure that.

Another picture from my visit--she is the one standing, the other Sister is ten years older!

I sent an email to my mom letting her know, and her response was "I, too, feel a deep loss with her passing". My dad's response was "She gets to meet the boss!"...to which I responded "maybe she will put in a good word for us!"

A fulfilled life for sure. Rest in Peace, Sister K. Thanks for all the wonderful memories.

"Each day is a step which we take toward Eternity and we shall continue thus from day to day until we take the last step bringing us into the Presence of God."
~Catherine McAuley

First Call

I haven't "blogged" in five days, but it hasn't been because there hasn't been anything to write about! I was planning to do a "catch-up" post some time today/tonight anyway, but need to get these thoughts down now.

This morning, I received my first call from the foster care agency. I got my license in the mail on Saturday, so figured this day would eventually come...and, since I went online and bought a 5-point harness booster seat earlier this morning, it shouldn't have been THAT surprising that the call came today.

I was completely unprepared for that call. Although I had read about it, heard about it, I just didn't have a clue of how I would feel. As soon as I saw the number, I knew...when my house phone rang this morning, I wondered if that was "a call", even though the number they have his my cell phone. So, all the "signs" should have had me prepared, but I was anything but...

The woman on the other end of the phone gave me as much information as she had, but I had SO many questions. While I tried not to put "my foster child" into a box, the age and gender of this child seemed "perfect". That kind of child I "know" how to deal with (or so I think...ha!) This particular child has significant medical needs. Needs I knew I could handle, but not needs that my family would be able to help me with. I just didn't know what to say, especially since I DO work full time, and day care didn't seem like an ideal place. My heart was torn...I knew I could say "no", but what if I was supposed to say "yes"...what if this was "the call I had been waiting for".

As soon as I got off the phone with her so she could get some more information, I called my dad. I knew I couldn't give him much information, but I was freaking out...of course, his phone wasn't working well and we kept getting cut off, but he said "maybe you should get an 'easier' kid for your first one" before we were cut off once again. Then, I called the writer of this blog because has her first placement and I knew she would have some advice for me. She, too, reminded me that I could say "no"...this won't be the only call I get. Then, I texted my sister, and Steph, and Ginger...and then called Ginger because I seriously was freaking out and emotional and my stomach was in knots and I really didn't know what I was supposed to do. Quick prayers were really all I could do/ask for because it isn't like I could "sleep on it"...

When the woman called me back, she said that there would be medical day care available for the time when I am at work, but that I would need to get training today and bring the child to my home tomorrow. Well, I have to work tomorrow, so that pretty much "sealed the deal" (I also have to work on Saturday and Sunday...) That was an hour ago, though, and I'm still wondering if I could have/should have made a different decision. I could have seen if I could have the day off. I could have called in sick. It really could have worked...it would have been HARD work, but with the love, prayers, and support from my family and friends, it would have been okay...

But, I guess it wasn't "to be" and now all I can do is pray for a loving home for that little one...and spend some time getting my home ready before I get the next call.

I have tears in my eyes, that are slowly making their way down my cheeks...I definitely didn't know it would be this hard. I wasn't prepared for this.

Okay, time to clean :o)

Just a Mess

I’m a mess…have been since I read this on Monday. This didn't exactly help matters. Plus, my "A-team" girl was in the hospital, and my friend's son is having a terrible time with pain issues in the hospital here. So, things actually may have started to go downhill before then. In fact, I had a post about me being “jaded/skewed/warped” in the works inside my head that will probably eventually come out…. I really should have made more of an effort the past couple of days to sort through things little by little before it started to make me feel ill (although, to be honest, I’m not sure how many pieces of pizza I had for dinner, so that may also be playing a role…). I also should have remembered to look at my “Day by Day Through Lent” because this week began with “Clearing the worry from my mind”. Gee, that would have been GREAT to read on Sunday night, before Monday hit…and even better to read the days after that. But, hindsight is 20/20 as they say, and now I do know. And so, since I’m having difficulty with words right now, I think I will share what I would have read then, and HAVE read now.

Sunday—Clearing the worry from my mind—John 9:1-41; John 3:14-21; Luke 15:1-3, 11-32
The reflection on these readings about the healing of the blind man, the parable of the lost sheep, and the parable of the lost son was/is—“I cannot be afraid to be bold or worry about what others think of me. The man born blind didn’t worry about the outcome of his case; he stood up to the Jewish leaders and lectured them. Pray this week to have that attitude and to trust God no matter what.”

Monday—Taking Jesus at His word—Isaiah 65:17-21; John 4:43-54
Now, this would have felt like PERFECT timing had I read this on Monday. However, even reading it tonight was helpful. A portion of this written discussion was “Have I ever trusted God but had to wait to see the outcome?”…Well, that DEFINITELY sounds like this week in a nutshell for people all over the world who read blogs!

Tuesday—Do I want to be made well?—Ezekiel 47:1-9, 12; John 5:1-16
I’m not sure about these two passages…they didn’t speak to me quite as much as the others, but the reflection questions were ”Do I really want to trust God in everything? What would life be like if I did not worry?” hmm…interesting concept...

Today—The Son acts not on His own—Isaiah 49:8-15; John 5:17-30
Oh yes, Emily posted a portion of that first one on her blog the other day, and it absolutely contains the verse “For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones….”
Today’s reflection is—"If Jesus could do “nothing on his own,” surely I am even more dependent on God’s grace to overcome my problems. If worry (or anything else) is cluttering my life, I ask for God’s help. I, too, can do nothing on my own."

I really wanted to, needed to, in fact, write a more personal reflection and dig deeper into what is going on inside my heart and head right now. However, I just can’t seem to get that done. Words have been hard to come by, and all I’ve been able to come up with is a few phrases that I hope bring comfort…”I’m praying for you”, “I’m thinking about you”, “Sending hugs”, “Sending prayers”… I’m constantly wiping away the tears, or fighting them back with all my might. Baby-sitting this afternoon definitely helped some. The nine-year-old had her triplet friends come over for a while. They were a ton of fun! (Crazy girls!) Later, though, my emotions being where they are, I had to fight back tears even during Disney shows, and the movie that came on after them. The mom asked me to read to her from this book for school and it was about a girl whose family runs a funeral home…the chapter I ended up reading was about her dear relative who had passed away and her friend who was uncomfortable with funerals since her own mother had passed away…talk about “light reading”… Anyway, reading these bible verses and reflections were VERY helpful. And, although I didn’t really get down to the “nitty gritty”, I think it’s enough to allow me to sleep.

And, I now have the “key” to unlock the wireless connection, so that is nice (although, I did type this in “Word” first so I would stay focused on the task at hand instead of wandering away to facebook…ha ha!)

The kids have to be up by 6:30, so I'd better go to sleep!
Good night.

Feeling Guilty

Through my twinges of jealousy, my short periods of "woe is me", my thoughts of "what if", I NEVER imagined this...I DIDN'T ask for this...and yet, I am still feeling guilty...

This morning, I had coffee and breakfast with a great friend of mine. She is often the first one I go to when I need someone to put me in my place :o) I became friends with her when I baby-sat her kids (who are now 17 and 13--wow!) We don't get together that often, but when we do, I always leave feeling much better and so grateful that God has given me such a special friend (and a friendship that has lasted this long!) This morning was no different and it felt great to talk about some of the not-so-good feelings I had been having but also discuss things I have done so far to work through them. Everything is going to be okay :o)

After church, I stopped by my mom and dad's which is pretty much what I do every Sunday I am off (they go to an earlier service). As I sat sipping tea and eating oatmeal (my mom makes the best!), my mom gave me some surprising news...

My brother-in-law's sister (or, my sister's sister-in-law, however you'd like to say it!) who is highly irresponsible and one of the most selfish people I have ever met apparently announced that she, too, is pregnant...and due a couple weeks before my sister. From what my mom said, she "kind of" knows the dad and is planning to "make it work". Of course, you have to pray for her and for that baby, but I feel SO badly for my sister and brother-in-law. Talk about raining on some one's parade (and I'm guessing those kinds of thoughts didn't cross her mind)...I never saw that coming, and I definitely never wished for anything to capsize their happiness, but I do feel guilty for any thoughts that were less than joyous. In the "natural order" of things, they should have given both sets of parents the first grandchild and it was going to be a monumental occasion (I should know, seeing as I AM the first grandchild!) Their news was quickly overshadowed due to the careless actions of someone who likely doesn't care (okay, so that is kind of harsh, but I am really very sad for them)...

Updated 9:15 PM...I had dinner with my parents, and apparently my sister's sister-in-law is actually due two weeks AFTER my sister which makes things a LITTLE easier to handle...I guess. I suppose there is nothing to say that God won't bless me with a foster child in the next seven months, so in all fairness, I suppose I could potentially become "the spoiler"...I'm trying not to "go there", but trusting that He knows what He is doing...and already has things all planned out...
__________________________
A different kind of "feeling guilty" part of today actually came in between church and receiving "the news". Feeling guilty because it took me so long to have a conversation that has been over a year in the making! I suppose there was no time like the present and I'm SO glad that today was the day :o)

I have been going to the same church since I was about five years old. My parents have been living in their current house since I was seven. So, I know LOTS of people in the church and in the neighborhood. That is how I met my friend I had coffee with this morning even though she has since moved to a different neighborhood and church. I am still friends with many of the moms whose kids I baby-sat, which sounds a little crazy, but I really enjoy talking to them and they have watched me grow up just as I have seen their kids get older (and taller than me!)

Anyway, I remember one of the couples had a baby girl that died. When she died, I remember the mom telling me that she had Trisomy something or other and that they had named her Anne Marie. That was "a long time ago", but after I started reading blogs about babies with Trisomy 18, I got to wondering about that little girl. Probably for a year now, I had been trying to find the right moment to ask her. I would run into her at the grocery store or a basketball game. I would see her at church or other activities, but never wanted to, in a sense "corner her" when there were lots of other people around...not wanting to make her uncomfortable if it ended up being an emotional conversation...

This morning, though, I pretty much caught her alone after church (although we did get interrupted a couple times, but fortunately they didn't create too big of road blocks for me!) I told her I had a question I'd been wanting to ask her for a long time. I could tell she was a little surprised that I remembered, but Anne Marie did indeed have Trisomy 18 and she died October 13, 1995. I was a sophomore in high school. I said to her that she had told me that if Anne Marie hadn't died, she probably wouldn't have her little boy. She said "I wish I could have both..." I let her know that I have always remembered her little girl (and she said some things to me that of course made me cry just like I am crying right now!)

One year, four years, thirteen years or more...the grief remains, and I was reminded again today how much it means when someone remembers. So, as "guilty" as I feel for waiting so long, I am glad today was the day...and now she knows that at least one person has not forgotten.
__________________
Typically, I write my posts at night and so I say "good night"...well, I'm feeling like a little bit of a nap, so maybe I'll stick with my usual closing and say "good night" :o)

Cribbage Club

I'm not sure how much I have journaled about my time living in Rhode Island. When I was about to graduate from nursing school in May of 2002, I decided to pursue my "dream" of living on the East Coast. I had thought about it multiple times before, even applying to a couple colleges there. Becoming a "travel nurse" seemed appealing at the time, but I knew I needed at least a year experience before an agency would hire me. My dad told me that if I came home to get my experience, I probably would end up staying. So, I managed to get a job working at a children's hospital in Rhode Island, packed my bags and moved. My sister and cousin were there with me for the summer, but for the next twelve months it was just me.

Those twelve months are kind of a blur to me. I'm not sure why, but I have a hard time believing that I actually lived on my own, thousands of miles away from home, for an entire year. What did I do?! There are times in my life when the memories are so vivid it was like they happened yesterday, and yet I only remember bits and pieces of those months. I recall certain "special patients" (so I know that the special ones I have met these past five years will not be lost from my memory!) and some of the special things I did while I was there, but the day-to-day stuff, not really. I have no idea what I ate (although, in searching through photos today, I found a picture I took of a VERY full freezer of frozen meals...ha ha!) or what I did to keep busy, considering I only had a couple friends. (Well, now that I am typing this, I am actually remembering more occasions than I thought I did...that is good...I would hate to have lost my memory at the "ripe old age" of 29!)

One thing I DO remember doing was going to Cribbage Club. I could go back to my old journals to see when I started going, but I guess that isn't TOO important to this story. "My" Cribbage Club met on Thursday nights at the local rec center. I have no idea what those people were thinking when I first walked in that room that first night. But I suppose it was along the lines of "Surely she is in the wrong place!" Then, they heard my story, that I had moved out there all alone (and just decided to go check out this "cribbage club"!) That does sound like kind of a brave thing to do, but I never really thought of it like that, determined may be a better word!

They welcomed me into their group, and I attended pretty much whenever I didn't have to work. I never did win the "big prize" of the night, but surely brought a lot of laughter along with me whenever I went. It was really fun, and helped make it not quite as lonely. I looked forward to the Thursdays when I could go to Cribbage Club.

When I decided to move back home, they threw me a little party on my last night there (my photos are not organized at ALL so I wasn't able to find any pictures from that night, but am pretty sure there was a cake and presents involved!).

Three years ago, I went and visited them when I was in town for my friend's wedding. I took those photos posted at the top of this entry. (Somehow I found those photos in my mess of a scrapbook room!)

A couple nights ago, I was playing cribbage on the computer against a "robot" and thought about "my cribbage club people" and wondered how they were doing...

Today, I received a Christmas card in the mail from one of the women (actually, the one in the brightly colored shirt in the first photo). Her note read "Sorry to say 'D' and 'M' passed on this year. 'D'-August, 'M'-November". Wow. Unfortunately, my memory with names is not that great (if I recall, I had a hard time even when I was attending regularly!), so I'm not even sure which ones 'D' and 'M' are, but my "guesses" are the woman in the teal shirt and the man in the third photo...either way, I remember hearing them say "M's" name with that Rhode Island accent, and laughing with "D", even if I can't see their faces...

Sure, they were granted much more time on this earth than many I know who have passed away, but that thought doesn't really make it any less sad. I have tears in my eyes thinking about them and what their losses must have done to that group. A loss is a loss no matter how many breaths a person takes (or never takes) or how many years they live. I know that Cribbage Club was a blessing to me, even if I never called it that. I am grateful for the time I spent with them, and am sure I am carrying lessons they taught me, even if they are not "identifiable" (I still lost to a robot a time or two, but sometimes that's how the cards go!)

Prayers tonight, then, for those families, and for all families who are missing loved ones tonight, especially as Christmas is quickly approaching.

Good night.

Gone

It makes me ill to write that word because it means it is "for real"...

I went and picked up my computer this evening. I left my grandparents' house where we were decorating their tree so I could get it before they closed, thinking it would be so quick they would hardly know I left.

When I got there, the girl was on her break, so I knew it was going to take at least a little longer than expected. Before I took my computer and left, I "casually" said something to the effect of "the only thing they did was fix the speakers, right, all my documents and everything are still there..." She looked through her things and was like "oh, there is nothing written that we were supposed to save your data". I could feel the tears coming as she told me to turn my computer on to check. I said "I will cry if everything is gone"...I don't think she believed me.

When the screen came up, I immediately noticed that everything had changed...

I quickly searched for my pictures...gone.

I checked "My Documents"...all the agendas, minutes, data from my three hospital committees and whatever else was in there that I can't even remember...all gone.

My iTunes with the newly added Christmas albums...gone as well.

Everything that made "my computer" mine...gone.

And I started bawling, right then and there at the counter. Through the tears I managed to asked what they were going to do about this because clearly there was a mistake. Surely they saved my data SOMEWHERE and they can just put it back, right?! She said they should not have told me I didn't need to back up my files. And, if I wanted my files backed up, I should not have signed the form that says in the middle of the work order "data not vital"...whatever the heck that means. And, at the bottom of the form she kindly pointed out that it says they are not responsible for any data even if told otherwise verbally or in writing...seriously?! Oh, and I got a nice little lecture about how computers are not a good place to store any data that is important...gee, thanks. I NEVER would have left my computer there last week had there even been a mention that I should probably back up my files "just in case". I was told plain as day that if they would need to do that, I would receive a phone call.

I cried the whole way back to my grandparents' house. I got there in time for dinner, which was nice, but it would have been a lot more fun eating my grandma's "famous spaghetti" if my stomach wasn't doing flip-flops and I had heartburn before beginning to eat!

My brother-in-law is a computer guy. So, he took my computer to see what he can do. He also offered to go with me back to the computer place to see if they will give me any kind of compensation for their mistake. (By the looks of that "fine print", I'm not sure if it will do any good, but it is worth a try.)

So, needless to say, I am not feeling very well tonight. What is especially hard to take is the fact that from the outside looking in, what kind of crazy person would think they didn't need to back up their files before bringing their computer in for service?! I suppose I SHOULD have known better, but when someone looks at you and says "we will call you before we remove any files", how can you not trust them?!

Good night.

Emotional Weekend

Whatever tears I managed to hold back the past couple days came out today...and I am very tired, but think writing will help, so I will try...

Yesterday was another VERY busy day at work. I had the same patients, but the doctors kept adding more and more medications to my already busy patients. I TRIED to put things into perspective by thinking that as much as it "sucked" for me to have to give all these meds, at least they weren't going into me and I didn't have to be "messed with" every time. Also, I "signed up" for this...my patients did not. That did help for a little while. One of my patients started losing her hair in chunks from her chemo treatments the week before. While the mom didn't cry in my presence, I could see the sadness in her eyes, and feel it in the room. I managed to fight back my own tears (because, if the mom can, then I should be able to, right?!), but it made for a rough time, knowing this is only the beginning of the very difficult times ahead of them.

While at work, I found out that my "A-team" girl was going to be life-flighted in. That made me SO sad because as much as I love her and her family, I was REALLY loving being able to "love them" from a few states away. I also know how difficult the family separation is, and this family has had to do A LOT of that. I also heard that this girl who game so close to death in July was once again very sick...

After a LONG day at work, I decided to go ahead and attend a party. It was at the head transplant surgeon's house and I had gone the past three years. I was hungry and it was free food (and drinks), so why NOT go?! I "freshened up" and went by myself (my two potential "dates" both cancelled on me, but my original plan was to go alone, so that was okay). I talked to LOTS of different people and it was a really fun time! I am a pretty social person, but it is hard to know who you will find to talk to at those kinds of things. I was glad to quickly find a group to sit with for dinner and then "mingled" for a while. I was one of the last people to leave which is pretty funny considering most people wouldn't consider me a "party person". It was after 1:00 by the time I got settled in at home and decided sleep was more important than journaling (good thing too because I'm not sure how I would have handled today on any less sleep, and I didn't get up until about 9:30!)

I decided it was about time to go back to the choir Mass since it has been a LONG time since I have seen some of those people. I have either been working on Sundays or going to 9:00 with my parents so I have more of the day to do stuff. Since it had been so long, I figured that I would just sit wherever there was room, recalling this incident . That lady wasn't there, so I did sit in "my spot", but she came late, so I calmly and quickly moved over :o)

This afternoon, I helped with my hospital's annual "Perinatal and Pediatric Memorial Service". I have helped with other bereavement things like making sure cards are sent to families after their child passes away, but this was my first time to attend the Memorial Service. I was looking forward to being a part of it. Earlier in the week, I received a preliminary copy of the program with the part that I was going to read. I noticed that the reading was to be Psalm 139. Next to that, it read "Very Good Reader"...apparently, they wanted a "very good reader" to do that. When I saw that, I thought I am a very good reader :o), but decided to wait and see what happened. So, today I "nonchalantly" asked the chaplain who would be reading it. He said that the person who was going to read it was sick, so he was going to do it. I asked if I could read it since I am "a very good reader" :o) He was a bit hesitant, so I told him I would practice it for him. He acted like he would be okay without that, but I did it anyway. Psalm 139 has a very special meaning to me now and it was an honor to be given the opportunity to do that reading at the service. Only one person shared during the "time for remembering", but in talking to a couple people and seeing how they were affected by the service, I think it was a very special time for these families. It was a blessing to be a part of this, even though I didn't really end up visiting with many of the families.

Before I left for the service, I sent a quick email to the parents of my "A" girl letting them know I would be around this afternoon if they needed to make a "Target run". I'm not sure where the idea came from, and wasn't sure if they would take me up on my offer, but it was out there "just in case". I was pleasantly surprised to have a message from her mom when I was done with the service. Apparently, they had been discussing how to make a run to Target without a car. I was an answer to their prayers, they said...WOW, what a blessing that was to hear! Something SO simple to me can make SUCH a huge difference to someone else. (To be honest, I wanted to see her, give her a hug, and visit with her anyway, so it wasn't really a "selfless" offer...she has been SUCH a blessing to me!)

I had made plans to attend a birthday party for "the baby" who will be turning ONE on Tuesday! Yes, the same "Baby" I wrote about 6 months ago today when doctors thought without a transplant, he would die in a day or two. Look at him today!!

Before the party, I decided to have "family dinner" with my parents, sister, and brother-in-law (tuna casserole, of course!). When I was about to leave for the party, I received a call from the charge nurse at work. Little "E" was not doing well. Her heart had stopped earlier in the day. They didn't think she would make it through the night. Her mom was alone. Her husband couldn't come until late tonight. There wasn't really anyone who could sit with her.

This little girl who took her first unassisted steps last weekend when I was her nurse was not going to make it through the night?! Her mom was alone?! But, the birthday party was SO important to me. His mom is my friend too. I sat holding her hand for HOURS as we prayed, watching his blood pressure, wondering what God had planned for him. Today was a very special day to celebrate his life. But, could I feel "okay" knowing that I easily could have gone to the hospital to support this mom and didn't?

I decided to "stop by" the party before going to the hospital. I told my friend what was going on (even though I didn't really want to spoil her celebration, I kind of needed to hear from her what I should do). She told me to go, and to let the mom know they were praying as well. It was only three blocks to the hospital, but I cried the whole way. What was I going to find when I got there? Am I strong enough to do this? Would she even REALLY want me there? I could not do this alone, and so I prayed (and sent a text message to someone I KNEW would immediately cover me in prayer and let me explain later...thanks Kristy!).

I didn't know which room she was in, where her mom would be, or what the circumstances were. So, I tried to get some information from some of the PICU workers. Of course, they all ended up being people who don't like me for some reason. They all said that the mom was fine, she had people with her, and basically I wasn't needed. Ok, fine, I'm okay with that, I guess. So, I stood staring at the elevator for a minute or two wondering if I should just go find her and risk facing more of the same unkindness. As I was praying about what to do, her mom came out of the ICU to use the restroom. Oh what perfect timing! She was glad that I had come, and invited me in. At that point, her daughter had stabilized a little bit with better blood pressures. I suppose things are still "touch and go", but there is still some hope that she could possibly pull through this. I stayed for a while, but her mom was there, her husband was coming, and she was looking a little better, so I headed back to the birthday party.

I had a nice visit with my friend and her husband. Hopefully I will be able to spend some of Tuesday with them since I was a bit of a wreck today. I shared with her my feelings about "the list" and how frustrating that is for me. I think my biggest issue with it is that I preferred it being more of a private relationship. And, I still want to be able to have a "choice"...I don't think that should be taken away from me (especially, since there are other patients I like whose parents would probably have me on "their list" as well...so, whose "list" has more "power"?! I think this could become an issue!)

Sometimes people think that I get "too involved", so it is better to not make a really big deal out of having a "special relationship" with my patients. I may get really "involved", but don't think there is any "too" about it. Sure, it makes for some pretty emotional days, but I have been blessed because of the days that come before and after the sad ones. There some kind of saying "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"...would I take back those days of sitting with my friend wondering if her son would die without a transplant and miss the joy I have in seeing him today? No way! Would I take back experiencing the joy of seeing "E" take her first steps with her mom last week to take away the sadness I feel when I today could be the last time I see her alive? No way! Working with these kids and their families is a huge blessing to me, and I feel like this is where I am supposed to be. Plus, more than once, I have heard that when parents feel like their nurse cares deeply enough about their child to even shed a tear or two, it makes a HUGE difference.

And so, tonight I am sad. Yes, I have been crying. No, they are not "my kids", it is not "my family", but my heart still hurts, and I don't think there is anything "wrong" with that.

Prayers to all of these families, and to all those families who have allowed me to be a part of their child's "story".

Good night.