On Being "Brave"

This morning, I was fortunate enough to be able to attend an (in) Real Life gathering. As I was getting ready, I challenged myself to try to do more listening than talking. I AM capable of being a good listener (I think ;) ), but I'm also REALLY good at talking about "my story". 

As I started the 70 minute drive, I thought about the fact that I was driving alone to an unknown location to a house filled with women I had never met/knew nothing about. (I also thought about the fact that I was driving alone for 70 minutes so my challenge of not talking so much was likely going to be an even bigger challenge...ha!)

And then I thought about being "brave". If someone asked me to pick a few words to describe myself, I doubt I would come up with the word "brave". However, I really have done some things in my life that could be considered "brave":

• I moved 750 miles away to attend college. I only knew one other person who was going to that school and it wasn't someone that I was likely to "hang out" with. I lived in dorms for four years, I joined clubs, and found some good friends.
• After college, I moved 1500 miles away from home to a city I'd only briefly visited twice. I lived in my own apartment for 15 months. I learned how to do "everything" myself (or be resourceful to find someone who could help me). I went to the grocery store, the movies, and on day trips by myself. Unfortunately, community/friendships didn't come as easily outside the university setting, so it was a pretty easy decision to come back "home".
• Just over five years ago, I bought my house from my parents after my sister and I rented it from them for three years. I sometimes pay people to mow/shovel and my dad cleans the gutters, but I mostly take care of things ;)
• Nearly four years ago, I hopped on an airplane to meet a "blog-friend-turned-real-life-friend" face-to-face.
• Just over two years ago, I (finally!) got my foster parent license...and the first call for a placement. 
• Nearly two years ago, a very introverted 15-year-old and a chatty nearly 3-year-old became my first foster placement. I ended up being a single foster mom to them for 16 months. They went home seven months ago, but we are still changing each other's lives :)
• Six months ago, I flew to Nashville for my birthday and met two more "blog-friends-turned-real-life friends". 
• Then, today I drove 70 minutes down the road alone and met women who are now my "tweeps" and "fb friends". I still probably talked too much and made weird faces in photos (and tried really hard not to randomly start bawling...that worked much better than the not talking too much did!), but they all made me feel like I "belonged" anyway ;)

Although I rarely feel "brave"...it seems I may have more courage than your "average gal" ;) So, I will embrace that...and remember this when I am feeling anything but brave.

I'd better go to bed...it's looking like it could be a long day at work tomorrow and is going to be a very busy week!
Good night.

Keeping Busy

I'm not sure how or when I got too busy to blog. I blogged a lot more when I had two kids living here, was working full-time, dealing with visitation, caseworker visits, other appointments, and family obligations! Now, half the time I don't even know what day it is. Maybe I blogged more out of "necessity" even though I was just as/more busy than I am now because I needed a safe place to vent...and now I just vent to anyone who will listen (even though I probably should go back to blogging...ha!)

Last weekend I was off work and "teenless" because one of my cousin's got married. My sister was a bridesmaid so I helped my mom with my nephews. Well, everyone kind of helped with them, but I made sure to be present so there would be no complaints ;) I did a reading at the wedding and got lots of compliments. I got that public speaking gene from my dad, although I am much more comfortable reading someone else's words than speaking into a microphone words that I have written or need to speak spontaneously. It was an honor to be asked and I'm glad I was up to the challenge. It was really fun to be with my family. My mom and I went to the gift opening on Sunday which was nice too.

My nephew wanted to be with "his boys" (my cousins) the whole night :)

Handsome :)

He literally danced until he could barely stand up (around 10:30 with no nap!)

My mom, aunt, and I went and got our hair done. I love how it turned out! 

With my mom and sister :)

My mom's parents. They are so cute.

Even though there are 21 grandkids on my mom's side, I think it wil be a while before another family wedding. There have been five and there are four great-grandkids :)

It has been a busy couple of weeks at work. I am on a committee that is working on getting my hospital re-designated as a Magnet institution. It represents excellence in nursing and is only given to about 6% of hospitals in the country. So, it's a really big deal and has been a lot of work (but a lot of interesting and fun stuff too). The appraisers are coming next week to talk to nurses and other members of the hospital staff to validate/verify/amplify everything that we wrote in our 500+ page document. So, I have been going to meetings on my days off, sending emails, and had to create a binder with information. We are also supposed to be working on our peer and self evaluations and there are still a lot of extra shifts to fill until our new staff is hired.

I do love my job, but it's times like this that I'm grateful I haven't gotten any new foster kids. A sweet 2 1/2 year old was admitted to my floor this week after someone (apparently) beat the cr@p out of him. As much as he seems like a kid that I would be able to handle (if I got a call about him...that is still only a remote possibility at this point...I have no idea how that works really!), I still feel like I should wait. I have no idea how many extra hours we are going to have to work this summer since we are implementing a new charting system and still won't be fully staffed. I think I would feel guilty putting an already traumatized child into day care for more than 40 hours a week/for 13 hour days. Eventually, I know I'll have to get over part of that if I want to take another placement, but it would be better if I knew I was only working 3 days a week, not have to go 4 or 5 days a week. 

Plus, I have no idea what's going to happen with the teen...and she remains my priority. She was here 5 out of 8 nights before last weekend's wedding. Then, I guess her mom did the whole "no more Amanda" line. She has always changed her mind, but the threat still remains...and neither of us know how, when, or why she will change her mind.  She agreed to let the teen come over here after school on Tuesday so she and I could go to a college baseball game. Then, she said she could stay the night. That day, her mom called me and talked to me for 45 minutes straight like we were BFFs. Definitely 45 minutes of my life I can never get back, but I can surely laugh about some of the things she told me and if I have to listen to her mumbo jumbo in order to have contact with the teen, by all means, I'll keep the phone to my ear ;)

Last night got a little sticky though...as did this afternoon. So, there is no telling what will happen from here. Yesterday, the teen and I tried to contact her about plans (kind of sort of trying to get her to say she could just stay the night), but she had her phone off. We stalled for a while and she called really ticked off when we were on the way to bring her home. We were almost to their street when she told me she didn't have a way to get the teen to school so she should just stay with me even though we were both "pushing it". Today, she did end up letting me bring the teen to her high school's soccer game, but it was after a few angry text messages/phone calls and the threat of not allowing the teen to go to any more social events.

Her mom also "forgot" to go to her meeting at the teen's school about tuition and other commitments. The teen (finally) talked to one of her teachers about what has been going on as well as to the President of the school to tell her how much she wants to graduate from there and what she is willing to do to help financially. I'm willing to do pretty much anything to help make that happen, even if it's the teen and I who have to do everything. 

Today was Parent Appreciation Day at the school and her mom had no clue. I suppose that worked to my benefit because I was able to bring her lunch (for her and her friends) and her mom has no clue ;) One of her friends asked if I was her sister, another asked if I was her mom...I'm cool with either (especially since we look nothing alike...family is definitely more than genes though!) I am so proud of her and I really hope she is doing as well in her classes as she says she is. I do know she is trying hard.

I know fortune cookies are meant to be for fun, but every once in a while, they really make sense. This was her fortune:  "Focus on your long-term goal. Good things will soon happen." My fortune was "Your imagination will point you in a new direction. Go for it!" Pretty cool :)

Tomorrow she is baby-sitting for some relative who actually lives REALLY close to me. I dropped her off there tonight and discovered that I had actually been inside that house before...25 years ago! We had gotten into a car accident on the way to grandma's house because someone ran a stop sign and my dad couldn't stop on the icy road. The older lady who lived in that house let us come in and wait for the police to come. Such a small world!

Speaking of small world...blogging (and twitter) has brought such a great community. This weekend there is something called (in) Real Life from the people who started (in) courage. I signed up and took Saturday off work. It is being held about an hour drive from where I live. I had no idea what to expect, but this week I got emails from two women who will be there and now I'm really looking forward to it. I am still not sure what, if anything, I'll have in common with these other people, but I love meeting new people and blogging/twitter has definitely brought me a community of people I never would have met "in real life". This may mean I have to open up my quiet little blog to people who live locally and met me before they read anything here (so I can have a heart attack every time my site meter tells me someone in my State visited), but if it does, I know it will be "ok".

So, that's the happenings here. I'm finishing up a Woodchuck and then should head to bed. I have two meetings tomorrow...super fun ;) I may need to go to the store and get some Green Apple Smirnoff in honor of Sara. Tomorrow part of the (in)Real Life is sharing her story of creating community even though she was homebound...I miss that girl. If you haven't "met" her, you should go read her story...she'll knock your socks off (or something like that ;) ) Choose Joy...today and every day :)

Until the next time...

Good night.

Listening to the Lyrics

I enjoyed the weekend with my family celebrating my cousin's wedding. I got my hair done in a salon and had lots of compliments (it did look really cute). I took quite a few pictures and will post some soon.

In the mean time, I thought it was a good time to post the lyrics to a song I've been listening to a lot. The teen shared it with me a while back and told me she really liked it. I liked how it sounded, but it took me a while to actually listen to the lyrics. Once I did, I knew why she liked it so much...and I do too.

I texted her this afternoon and that was the first time we'd talked since Thursday. She said that her mom is using her favorite "no more Amanda" line which she always forgets about eventually, but the waiting and not knowing is hard. I have tickets to a baseball game on Tuesday, so hopefully the ban on seeing me is lifted before then. I love her so much and this is so tough for both of us...

He Said (Group 1 Crew featuring Chris August)

So your life feels like it don't make sense
And you think to yourself, "I'm a good person,
So why do these things keep happening?"
Why you gotta deal with them
You may be knocked down now, but don't forget
What He said, He said

"I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know, I'll never, ever let you go"
Don't you forget what He said
Don't you forget what He said, He said

Who you are ain't what you're going through
So don't let it get the best of you
'Cause God knows everything you need
So you ain't gotta worry
You may be knocked down now, but just believe what He said

He said "I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know I'll never ever let you go"
Don't you forget what He said

Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said

"I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break"

"I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know I'll never ever let you go"
Don't you forget what He said

Don't you forget what He said.

Another Lengthy Update

I don't really like that it feels this has become kind of a depressing place, but it seems that I haven't had much time to write. And, when things are rough, that's when I make time. So, things really aren't bad all the time, but I definitely have been struggling with everything that has been going on.

It's been just over two months since the sh*t hit the fan. I'd love to be sitting here two months in and say that things are good/better, but I guess I'm thankful that I wouldn't necessarily say they are worse either. The teen continues to tell me that she doesn't think she'll be able to reach her goals unless she can live somewhere without her mom (preferably with me). She knows that she needs to get other people involved (like teachers, the principal, a counselor), but so far she has not talked to anyone but me, her aunt, and the child abuse hotline (and her friends).

I can't imagine how hard it is for her to talk about it, but it also is a little frustrating for me to not have any help. I have told her multiple times that I will be in this war with her, but she has to fight some of her own battles. She says she knows that. I guess I'm just having a hard time being patient since her emotional roller coaster is hard to watch, especially since I'm on one of my own and sometimes on hers too.

It breaks my heart to see her so sad and stressed. I love it when she comes over and we can spend time together. However, there always comes a point when she shuts down or gets this somber look on her face. I do wonder if that will go away if she did end up moving out of her home and back into mine or if she will always carry some of that sadness and stress with her.

Friday night, I planned to bring her and her friend home after our movie. Half way through the movie, her mom texted me that she was tired and so I could just "keep" the teen. I let her know that I worked on Saturday, so wouldn't be able to bring her home until after work (around 8:00 PM). She said fine. We had dangerous storms predicted for my area Saturday afternoon/evening, so I talked to her a couple of times and we decided she should just stay again. Sunday afternoon, I brought her home to change and picked up the little one. After hanging out at my house for a while, we went to a musical at the children's theater (one of our "things"). And then I brought them home. Yesterday, the teen came over after school while I was at work to study for her test. While she was here, her mom told her she could just stay the night rather than me bringing her home when I got off. I called and verified and she said she likes her being able to have some quiet time and being so close to school. Today, I picked her up from school and brought her home.

So, she has spent four out of five nights here...and now there are no plans of when she will be back...tomorrow? Thursday? Next week? The unpredictability is hard on my emotions, but I suppose I'd rather deal with it being unpredictably yes rather than her saying no on a day she previously said yes. The last time she spent this many days at my house, her mom became upset and whatever happened led to the teen threatening to run away. This time, I have record that it was her mom's idea for her to stay every night. I have no idea if that helps or not, but it's something!

I sent an email to the lawyer who worked on their case asking about the possibility of Power of Attorney. I talked to the teen about that potential option last night, even though I don't know if it is possible. Basically, I want her to be able to live with me, give her permission to get a job, be able to get her medical/dental/eye care, send her to her current school, and be able to make some educational decisions/talk to her teachers about her.

I am not asking for money from the State (although if I can count tuition costs as a tax deduction, I'll take it ;)). I don't even want the State to take away mom's welfare money she gets for the teen even though she won't be living there full-time (maybe I shouldn't say that since that doesn't sound 100% legal or ethical, but taking money away from her is not my goal).

I would much rather her mom willingly let her be where she obviously wants to be than try to get her taken away from her by the State due to abuse allegations!

In fact, I'm feeling quite a bit of guilt about potentially taking her down that path. Her mom trusts me. She doesn't really trust anyone. I have worked really hard to gain her trust, and she has worked hard to allow me to have it. Even though I honestly believe the teen will do much better living apart from her mom, it does make me feel like I'd be stabbing her in the back by being a part of putting her through an abuse investigation. Growing up, I had to deal with the "two-faced" girls and it brings tears to my eyes thinking that this isn't much/any different than that. She has been letting me see her kids and is actually really friendly to me. She doesn't have to do that. I realize that some of it is out of convenience to her and it is still often on "her time", but right now all of us are getting some "good" out of this arrangement, even though it is far from perfect.

The teen is going to think about letting me talk to one of her aunts. I need it to be clear to someone besides the teen that my intention was never to take the teen from her family. I have been encouraging her to work things out and she is the one who came to me saying (on multiple occasions) she wants to live with me. I have been too afraid to talk to her mom about our "arrangement" and future plans for our "arrangement" because I don't want to risk losing the parts that are good. I told the teen that her aunt may have an idea of how to approach her mom without it being threatening. Since we believe she is narcissistic, I need help making her see what is in it for her and how such a decision will show how good she is or something like that. I need someone else to believe that I'm really not an enemy and sincerely want what is best for their whole family.

In the mean time, I'm in a "holding pattern" where sometimes a teen lives here and sometimes she doesn't. I've gotten calls from my agency to do respite care, but I've had to turn all of them down (partially work-related too). So, I am also feeling a little guilty, and maybe a tiny bit resentful that I cannot take another placement. I've had my foster parent license for over 2 years and have only had one placement. Thankfully, one of the caseworkers reminded me today that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing right now...with the two girls who have forever changed my life.

So, I guess I'm back to going to every other week therapy and using this blog as therapy in between sessions. Today, I got my hair colored and had a manicure and a pedicure (and went back to sleep after I took the teen to school). So, along with "talking it out" here, I am trying to taking care of myself (I take naps whenever I can!) I know that I'm no good for the teen if I'm an emotional wreck, but I have been honest with her that this is tough for me.

Well, we have been short at work and having to pick up extra shifts. So, I'm scheduled to work the next three days even though I worked yesterday. I'd better get some sleep (I think I've been typing this for an hour...I'd say it was a pretty good use of my time though...ha!)
Good night.

Down and Up

That's how my emotions have been this week...down and up. I guess it's good to end the week on an up, but the down was not fun at all.

The girls, their mom (and apparently the oldest of the 3 brothers in between them) went with their aunt out of town for the weekend. They left on Friday night and did not get back until Wednesday afternoon. So, the teen missed school on Tuesday and Wednesday. I do not think that was a very cool thing to do to her, but she said her grades are fine and she has been able to make up the work she missed.

Tuesday, I had a rough day. I went and saw my therapist in the morning which was actually good timing. She was worried about me because all this stuff with the teen has been weighing on my emotions and it's all up and down depending on her mom's mood. She (along with my caseworker) are a little worried about what mom will do if somehow this does end up in an investigation by the State in order for the teen to be placed back with me. It could be really ugly for me, but I'm not going to let the teen down just because I'm scared of what kinds of lies her mom will say about me.

Since the teen was out-of-town, I didn't get to talk to her as much and I was having a really hard time with that. She also didn't respond to some of my text messages and I ended up with a terrible feeling Tuesday afternoon/evening that she wouldn't want to see/talk to me after spending that time with her family. I knew that I was worrying for nothing (or that I shouldn't worry about something like that considering she isn't really my kid), but it was really hard to fight off those feelings. Wednesday was a lot better emotionally and I decided that I would let her contact me and not keep texting her and bugging her while she was with her family. I realized that I was kind of being annoying (or at least that was a definite possibility), so that helped me too.

I'm glad that I was able to get myself to simmer down because I got quite the surprise yesterday afternoon. I had a missed call from her mom yesterday at 2:30 while I was at work. I texted her that it was a crazy day, but I'd try and call her if I had a chance. I was taking the second half of my lunch break (long, busy day!) around 4:30 and got a text from the teen that her mom texted her to say she could stay the night at my house if she wanted. Yeah, totally random and I wasn't included in the communication to ask if she could or not...ha! So, the teen asked, I said sure, verified with her mom that it was okay she was there when I wasn't and she said sure. I ended up going out with people from work after work for dinner (with the teen's "blessing"/"permission") and then brought her some food. We were able to visit and she assured me that my bad feeling was not at all true :) She talked to her aunt while she was out of town about what has been going on with her mom. I'm glad she found someone to talk to, but I'm not sure if that aunt can help or not. She knows that she needs to talk to people at school about what is going on since right now it just looks like I'm trying to take her from her mom which is not at all true, but is how it could easily look.

Then, today the teen got off school early. She asked if she could come over after school since I was off. I said sure and her mom wouldn't give us a time she wanted her home. So, we hung out, ate dinner, and she had a friend came over to watch a movie. My plan (and hers) was for me to bring both girls home after the movie. I texted her mom our plan and she didn't text back until half way through the movie. She said she was tired and the teen should just stay here (she actually said "u can keep her" and I should have taken that opportunity to text "forever?!", but I did not). I am scheduled to work tomorrow, so maybe she'll end up staying all weekend?

I love that the teen is here, but two weekends ago, her mom told her she was no longer allowed to come over. I'm not sure how long our emotions can handle her mom's ways like this, but I guess we have no choice right now. It is so hard to see her so sad when she comes here after extended time at home and then now hearing her laugh with her friend (and laughing with me), knowing that this is temporary and her mom WILL take away the things she enjoys, for how ever long it is convenient for her. The downs and ups is not fun at all, but I'll continue to support her when she's here...and take care of myself (and her) when she's not.

Well, time to take her friend home so I can come back and go to bed. Tomorrow will be my fourth shift of the week (plus two days of hour and half meetings), so it's been a long week (but that bigger pay check will be nice!)
Good night.

Lots of Smiles Too

I realized that all I've been writing about (and talking about) is the drama with the teen and her living situation and all the stress, worry, and emotional days that has brought me. I love her so much and it has been weighing on me a lot. However, she and I do have fun times together along with the serious conversations. I've actually had a lot of good things happen at work recently, including taking care of really good patients and receiving lots of positive feedback and support from my Manager. My older nephew cracks me up and it was great to spend time with the little one last week. So, even though things have been tough, I am still doing things to take care of myself with lots of smiles and laughter too :)

The teen, the little one, and their mom went out of town on Friday to see extended family (they left the boys here...weird, but whatever). I've texted the teen a couple of times and she seems to be doing well. Apparently, they aren't leaving until tomorrow to come home, so she will miss a day of school. I'm interested to see if this has changed her thoughts on what she wants/needs at all. Hopefully I'll get to see her this week (before Sunday when her mom said I could take her and the little one to the children's theater). I miss her (but am SO grateful that last Tuesday, she hugged me tightly back during one of my 25 or so hugs...I can still feel it when I close my eyes).

Good night.

Where to Begin

So much has happened in the six days since I last posted that I don't even know where to begin.

On Saturday, I was off, so got to go to lunch with my Grandma (dad's mom), mom, sister, two nephews, cousin, and her baby. It was really fun and nice to try and get away from the "foster mama drama" for a little while...

Saturday afternoon, I called the girls' mom and first left her a message (a long one). She called me back and we talked for a while (she was very pleasant to me on the phone, as she has been). Basically, my reason for calling was to see if she would be willing to meet with me face-to-face on Tuesday (my next day off) to talk about how things are going. I told her that, even though there are 3 of us, I didn't want it to be a "triangle" where one person was put in the middle or one person was left out. I told her that I thought we were communicating well by phone and text (a little stretch of the truth, but I had to try!), but thought we needed a face-to-face to make sure we understood each other. I told her that I was here for them and would be willing to help the teen get to doctor/dentist appointments and mentioned therapy again (she said she doesn't have money for that). She mentioned that she may be leaving town and needed to figure out some things, so I agreed to call her the next day (Sunday) when I got off work.

Little did I know that my initial voice mail caused quite a commotion in their home. She called the teen and wanted to know why I wanted to talk to her and told the teen to call me. When the teen didn't, she cursed at her and said she'd just do it herself (Hello, I wanted to talk to YOU lady...I already talk to you daughter). Then, apparently the teen got her cell phone taken away and had to stay out of her room.


Sunday while I was at work, I got a lunch time text from the teen (from her email account since her phone was still confiscated) that she could not take it there any more and she was going to run away on Monday. She said there was no way she could last another week in that prison. Her mom was saying lots of hurtful things and that she would have to change schools her Senior year (and not allowed to get a job). Thankfully, I was able to talk her out of running away, but it was SO hard knowing how desperate she was to get out of that environment. My "mama bear claws" came out and I really began to feel like I couldn't take it any more either. I texted her mom before I called and she told me to call Monday instead. We did text for a few minutes and the teen texted me saying that her mom was getting really mad that I was texting her and to stop which is so weird since she was being so nice to me in the texts.

After much debate (and prayers), I decided to call the Child Abuse Hotline when I got home from work. It was SO hard and I cried the whole time. I knew that if it went to investigation, I could lose a lot, but it was the right thing to do and helping the teen would be worth it. Unfortunately, there was not enough information from me to start an investigation (she knows better than to physically abuse and the emotional and verbal stuff is very hard to prove).

Monday while I was at work, I continued to message the teen through her email account telling her not to run away and be patient. I recommended she make her own report through the Child Abuse Hotline since she had information/details I did not. Her mom did answer my call when I called after work and we talked for a long time. She said that I could bring the little one to the Children's Museum on Thursday, but maybe not the teen. She said that the teen could not stay at my house and I could not bring her to her friend's track meet on Tuesday (I told her I'd cross my fingers she would change her mind and she laughed at me...I think I handle her pretty well even though I often think she could use a smack in the face or something ;) )

On Tuesday, their mom ignored three of my phone calls and then finally responded to a text. During THIS conversation, she said maybe she'd be going out of town for 2 weeks and would think about maybe letting both girls stay here through Easter...seriously, who ARE you?! Then, I asked her how my finger crossing worked and she did let me pick up the teen and bring her to the track meet/dinner (she was "good" and said I just should have her home by 11...again, who ARE you?!) The teen and I talked a LOT about what she wants/needs and what had been going on at home the past few days. Her big things are to stay at her current school for her Senior year and not live with her mom (preferably with me). She'd like to continue to have contact with her siblings, but realizes that may not happen if her mom gets angry enough. She wants to get out and be successful so she can help her siblings when they get older and mom treats them the way she is being treated now.

Yesterday, her mom confirmed that I could bring the little one to the Children's Museum today, but would not confirm if the teen could come or not. The teen told me that if she was allowed to come, she would make her call to the Child Abuse Hotline while the little one and I were gone.

This morning, her mom said it was okay for both girls to come with me. Of course, she was sleeping when I picked them up AND sleeping when I dropped them off five hours later, so I still didn't get to see her face-to-face which is annoying. I decided that it wouldn't be good if the teen didn't come to the museum since that was what we said our plan was. But, she needed to make her call in private. So, the little one and I left and then I had my friend watch her while I came back to get the teen after her call. It worked out ok I think. She needs to talk to some people at school who can continue the paper trail of documenting her abuse, but I'm really proud of her for taking that step.

I have done a lot of thinking and praying this week, and I honestly don't think she will be "ok" unless she gets out of that environment. I have tried being on her mom's side and tried to get them to work things out. I have encouraged the teen to try and let the hurtful comments roll off and remind her that she really is important, but I think enough is enough. I know that some (maybe even many) people will disagree with me, but the teen lived with me for 16 months and I've known her (and her mom) for nearly 2 years, so I feel like I am a good judge of character. This is beyond "just being a teenager" and I'm not a foster mom who is just upset she didn't get to adopt her foster kid(s). I have told her multiple times that I will fight the war with her, but she is going to have to fight some of the battles herself and she agrees. She understands that running away is not a good idea and she knows that this fight will not be easy (and likely not quick).

So, that's what's been going on...well, that and one of my favorite patients died on Saturday. She was 15 and had a great family...I haven't even had a chance to think about it much or do any sort of grieving yet, but I'm hoping to write a letter to her family which should help.

Hopefully I can get back to blogging more regularly soon, but I've been keeping busy doing other things these days...I do miss it and need to journal/diary!

Just as Hard

Six months ago tonight, I brought the girls back home to be reunited with their family. I didn't have any idea what "reunification" was going to look like. I had no idea that just when I needed it most, I would get a letter from the teen telling me how much she appreciated what I had done for her and her sister during their 16 months here.

Unfortunately, I feel like I have more tears in my eyes (or just as many) tonight as I did six months ago. All this stuff that is going on with the teen hurts my heart so much. The letter I got nearly a week ago reminding me how much she appreciates my role in her life was such a blessing, but it does make her sadness sting even more. She ended up staying Monday night as well since she forgot her bus money (so, she stayed Monday night, Tuesday night, and then Friday night through Monday night).

Her going home on Tuesday was what needed to happen, but it was hard for both of us (I'm pretty sure I've cried, or at least teared up, every day since then). Today when I talked to her about being "ok" at home, her response was "well, it has to be"...and she's right. I want so badly for things to be better for her. I know that I've made a tremendous impact on her life already, but there is so much more that needs to be done to get her where she wants to go (my biggest concern is her having to change schools for her Senior year).

I went to an all day training for foster parents and others who work with foster children/biological parents. It was really good and when it was over, I talked to another foster parent for quite some time. She recommended I talk to the teen's mom about doing something more like a "power of attorney" rather than "legal guardianship" so the teen could stay here during the week (or all the time?) and I could consent for medical treatment/educational needs when needed. I'm not sure if it would be possible or if her mom would agree to it (or even how to talk to her mom about something like that...she is really hard to talk to sometimes!) I emailed the therapist because, even though it could be seen as "meddling", I really think she is the only one who can help us sort through the feelings and come up with a solution.

October 2011

January 2012

March 2012

Even though I know I'll get to see them, in some ways, it's just as hard as it was 6 months ago...in some ways, it is even harder.

Remember This

Tonight is the third night in a row the teen has stayed here and the fifth night in a week. I love having her here so much and I love that she feels so comfortable here. I did have to talk to her about respect of time yesterday when I had to wait for over 20 minutes for her to come out of her friend's track meet. She isn't very good at apologies and I wasn't very good at being upset with her, but we muddled through it and I did call her out later on her crappy apology. I do believe that she "gets it", but I guess maybe when people you love hurt you and don't ever apologize, you have to learn how to apologize when you hurt someone you love some time, even if it's when you're 17.

As it turned out, I got a letter from her in the mail which I found right after our little "respect talk". It didn't make me cry like this one did, but maybe that's only because she's been staying here and I was still getting over being upset with her. She did it for an assignment and said she didn't re-read it so it is a tiny bit scattered (and her grammar isn't that great), but I know it was from the heart. Again, I never throw anything away, but I want to remember this:

Dear Amanda,
Well, I would like to first off start out by saying that I have to write a letter to people that I care about. I thought I'd take this opportunity to write one of my letters to you. I would like to start this by saying thank you! For everything that you do for me and all that you have already done. They say everything happens for a reason, right? Right! Well, I see having spent time with you has changed me and will forever shape the person that I am. Though I may have not told you, there is so much that you have given me. So much wisdom. Many of the great qualities that I have today, I think that I owe you some of the credit for that. Some would be my determination, my optimism, and so much more. They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. Well, I have many of those, but I think a memory has even more value and I have even more of those. There were times when I kind of did not like being with you but that was solely because you asked me so much about school and homework. But now that I look back on it, I do see that is what made me succeed so much and even now you are still doing that and it's just a sign that you care. And, well, now I don't care that you ask so much. I enjoy it because in the end it gives me some sense of satisfaction. So, when you ask now, it doesn't bother me at all, not even a little bit. The time that I have spent with you I will treasure because when I look back and think why am I the way I am today, I will know that you have helped me. I know that I can always count on you. From the day that I met you, you have been nice, caring, and loving and still are. And some of those qualities that you have have been put on me too. When I look to the future and I have all those goals, I thank you for telling me that I can and that it's all possible and I can achieve them if I want to.


So, in the end, why I wrote you a letter is to say thank you for everything and you are an amazing person. I love you.


Love always, 
M

Her mom and I have communicated some via text the past couple of days, but tonight I decided I better actually call her. I kept making the teen communicate her/our plans with her mom first, but the only responses she got from her mom were "k" or "ok". Then, she got a text today that kind of made it sound like her mom may not be so keen on all her time spent here, so I figured I'd better touch base and make sure everything is "ok". Thankfully, it was a "pleasant" conversation and she told me she feels safe with the teen here and is glad I am able to take her to do things and give her a quiet place to study. I reminded her about calling the therapist to say it's okay M starts seeing her again and she said she left a message. I really hope that's the truth because M really needs an adult who allows her to vent. I am not exactly in a position to fully do that because I can't take her "side" (even though I'd MUCH rather be on her side than her mom's on most occasions). I reminded M that her mom can decide at any time that she can't come here anymore...and I told her that if that happened, she would still be "ok" (but we need to try and not let that happen!)

When I got home from work, I noticed that she picked up all the toys in the playroom from last weekend and rearranged the furniture in the basement. Then, I noticed she picked up the living room (and dinner was ready). I went to my room to change and she had even piled up my crap and put my shoes in the closet so she could vacuum. Oh, and she cleaned the bathroom a little bit too. I am so blessed (and spoiled ;) )

I know she needs to go home and work things out there, but I won't lie and say I'm not looking forward to the next time we get to spend time together.
Good night.

Six Months

Today marked six months since Sara (Gitzen Girl) left this Earth. However, her life did not really "end" because her legacy lives on in all those who have been touched by her story and continue to "Choose Joy" because of her. (I even chose "Choose" as my "One Word" for this year.) I am so blessed to have exchanged words with her on twitter and via email. Although none of our plans to actually have a "face-to-face" chat worked out, Sara still had a way of making me feel like I was a very important person to her...and in the days leading up to her death and the days after, I realized that was the way she made EVERYONE feel. I think about her all the time and I miss her presence (even though her words are still here), but am grateful that she chose to share herself...in the good times and the not so good ones. Here is a photo of the canvas of hers that I won and a "repost" of what I wrote on the day Sara passed away.

Finding My Words (Originally Posted September 24, 2011)
Ever since I read the words on Sara's blog last Wednesday saying that hospice had been brought into her home and her days left here would be few, I have been trying to find my words. That post came two days after I found out that my foster daughters could go home and their days left here in my home would also be few.

Every time I thought maybe I'd be able to find the words, I'd read another beautiful post by one of her friends (like Alece, Mandy and Shannon). I bawled reading this post and even though I kept reminding myself that I just needed to speak from my heart and be myself, I just couldn't do it. Even though this post put into words how you can be so incredibly sad to lose someone that you've never actually "met" (thank you social media), I still struggled. I was thankful for the nearly 700 comments on that post last Wednesday and the well over 100 links on this post to help me not feel so crazy to feel this way about someone I never actually met. I know that my family and friends who live here would NEVER understand, but I'm so grateful to have friends who do.

Finally, I'm sitting in a quiet house with a Green Apple Smirnoff and going to attempt to find some words to share.

I was trying to remember when and how I first came to know Sara (Gitzen Girl). However, I really can't remember. I think either it's one of those things that happened that didn't seem significant at the time, but ended up being something much bigger or something so "fabulous" that I can't remember my life without her blog in it ;)

I did do a little "research" and it appears that the first post I wrote that mentioned her was in February of 2009 in this post. It appears that the first time I actually left a comment on her blog was that same month on this post which is actually a very funny "Flashback Friday" about when she had someone get her chicken on a Friday during Lent since it "wasn't meat"...one of the many reasons people love Sara :)

The month after that, Sara was doing something called "Hump Day Giveaways" which again is super funny because who doesn't enjoy saying "Hump Day Giveaway"?! ;) I left a comment on this post, found out the following day I was a winner, and wrote a rather boastful post on my blog to celebrate. That canvas now hangs in my kitchen and it is a gift I will treasure forever.


In April 2010, I wrote about "bringing Sara" to Holy Week services with me and how that made it that much more special (FYI the rest of that post is really boring and all over the place, but I did write about that ;) ) Knowing Sara and her "circumstances" definitely helped change my views on a lot of things...I open the windows more, I play in the rain more, take more time to look at flowers and listen to nature, and hope I take less of my life and its blessings for granted.


In June 2010, I was completely "star struck" after being included in Gitz Bits (I sent her "Glee Gum") and had begun to refer to myself as a "Gitzen Girl Groupie" (or THE Gitzen Girl Groupie...excuse me ;) ) That was the month I became a foster parent and I was on the receiving end of many prayers and much love and support in that decision and the journey that followed.

The following month, Sara's dad died suddenly and I wrote in this (very long) post that I had read it while I was at work and was so sad for her, especially since she was unable to really be with her whole family during that time. A month or two ago, I shared with her that she and her parents were in one of my dreams. I wish I could get my twitter feed back that far since I don't remember everything, but I remember making some kind of comment to her dad about "checking out early" and he had some kind of sarcastic remark since obviously mine was a bit out of line...she told me that was the kind of response I would have gotten from him. There was more in that dream that I can't remember now, but I am glad I was able to share some of it with her.


In September, 2010, the "little one" (my then 3-year-old foster daughter) and I found this video.



I can't even tell you how many times we watched it or how many nights in a row she asked to "see Sara". I've watched it a few times this past week too because I have also wanted to "see Sara". This is the closest I ever really came to "seeing" her. We made plans to Skype a few times last fall, but it never worked out with her health/our schedules. Last September was the first time I remember telling her that "for real" seeing and/or talking to her was on my "Bucket List"...she laughed and/or made fun of me every time I said it (her exact words in a tweet were "oh my word, I'm not bucket list material, woman! Riley, maybe :)" ) The last tweet I could find from her was about six weeks ago before Jessica's visit. She was SO excited about that visit and I told her I was jealous of Jessica (no offense...she responded that I was jealous of the wrong person!) I reminded her of my "Bucket List" and she responded "we'll get that checked off someday, girl. then you can aim higher :)" Totally Sara :)

In October 2010, I participated in my first (and only) "Take Five Friday" and in December, I linked up to my one (and only) "You: Create" link-up. I was inspired to make a canvas for my teenage foster daughter's 16th birthday. Sara helped me figure out what to put on it by suggesting song lyrics. I decided to use lyrics from Lady Antebellum's song "I Was Here"--"I know it's my destiny to leave more than a trace of myself in this place." Those are some powerful words and I definitely know Sara is leaving WAY more than a trace of herself in this place.

I'm not sure why my "research" didn't find any posts from 2011, but I think it's because 2011 had more "tweets" and blog comments exchanged than anything else. Sara may have been a "big name blogger", but she had a way of making everyone feel like they were the most important person in the world to her. She prayed for you, she rejoiced with you, she cried with you, she was a cheerleader and a devoted friend and family member. In response to a comment I left on one of her (in)courage posts back in May, she told me "hi, sweet girl. you are doing such an amazing with those girls, and I know they will treasure these memories just as much as you do. much love!" That was written just a few days before I thought the girls were going home. Now, as I am just days away of them "for real" going home, they are exactly the words I need to hear. That is Sara...one of the many things about her that will be missed...

Hopefully my struggle to find my words wasn't too painful for anyone else to read, but this blog has always been for me and I want to remember this. It is a little "linky crazy", but at least all (or most) of my "Sara posts" will be in one place whenever I need a reminder to "Choose Joy". Sara is more precious to me than words can say. I regret that there are cards I bought for her that never were sent. I wish I really would have hopped in my car one day and drove to see her (honestly, I was more afraid of any "funky stuff" that I carried on me from being a pediatric nurse than afraid of being seen as a "crazy lady" for randomly showing up on her doorstep!) I'm not sure Sara ever could have met a stranger who didn't soon become her friend...and that is why there are "strangers" all over the world grieving over the fact that this world is losing an amazing person while also celebrating that in Heaven she will be free of the pain she faced on this Earth. Sara, you will be missed, but know that your legacy will live on in each and every person who has read your words, heard your story, been on the receiving end of a tweet/email/blog comment, etc. Who knew that a farm girl from Iowa who couldn't leave her condo could do so much good...only God...and I am SO very blessed that God chose me to be a part of it too. Thank you Sara. And, if any of her family happens upon this post...thanks for sharing Sara with all of us...my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.


Update: Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this post, drinking the last sip of my Green Apple Smirnoff, Sara was taking her last breath. I woke up at 6:00 this morning to get ready for work and saw the posts on twitter. I haven't exactly had time to process since I need to leave for work very shortly, but will be praying for her family and all who love her. I found a scrub top to wear to work that has hearts and stars and the words "Love", "Peace", and "Joy"...I will remember to "Choose Joy".


Also, if you clicked here from Jessica's site and were curious about the red square thumbnail...well, it was supposed to be this--a picture (from my phone) of my canvas on the wall in my kitchen. However, I obviously had some major technological difficulties and had no clue how to fix it ;)

Being Together

The teen is spending the night here again tonight. This is her third night this week and her first weekend night since the girls went back home nearly six months ago. She spent three nights here last week too.

This week was the first week since she started coming back here that she didn't cry. I don't think there is anything wrong with tears, but I'm hoping this means that something we are doing is working. I talk to her pretty much every day, even if it's just a text message reminding her that I love her and to keep her chin up.

She got a B on her Geometry quiz this week. I think she was close to failing Geometry last quarter. She has gotten A's on her last couple English quizzes. She went in for help from her Spanish teacher. She is keeping up with her History reading and doing well on those quizzes too. She's been working on her Speech that's due Wednesday. I'm sure her teachers are curious about the turnaround from mostly D's last quarter to this, but I'm glad she's taking it seriously and is back to believing that working hard is worth it.

Her mom has to approve therapy before the teen can start seeing her therapist again. I tend to agree with her that her mom won't consent if she feels threatened by it. I hope we are both wrong because I believe that her talking to the therapist will really help all three of us in ways that no one else can.

Her friend's plan for a sleepover tonight fell through, so she didn't have to skip it. However, she did get permission to stay here tonight and go to her friend's track meet tomorrow. I was having nightmares about her mom not letting her do anything social this weekend, so am really glad this worked out :) I got to watch "The Help" with her and she shared stories from school and her friends. She yelled at the TV while she watched a baseball game and she sang to my iPod music in the shower...I sort of forget what my life was like before she (and her sister) came into it...never a dull moment now :)

Just being together is a blessing to me and I am so thankful for this time...I do still wish that her mom knew how amazing she is...

Good night.

I Wish She Knew

First of all, my nephew is home from the hospital--yay! His bilirubin finally came down to 10, so hopefully it keeps going down. My sister is very excited to sleep in a bed instead of a recliner (although I'm not sure she'll sleep much with a two week old who has spent the week in the hospital!)

I'm surprised the teen isn't sleeping here tonight. I am, however, proud of her for going home even though it is likely easier to come here.

She sent me a copy of a text her mom sent her as soon as she got home from school. Her mom sent it from her bedroom and did not go see the teen. It seems like her mom talks to her a lot via text message. "U got the dishes and front room spotless sweep, mop. Deal. Wake me up at 8pm." The teen's comment on the message was "I DO help a lot here more than I should". I texted her back that she should help with dishes, floors, laundry and such. I reminded her that she did those things when she was living here without me even asking. I told her that I think her issue is with her mom's approach and communicating of the "chores" and not feeling appreciated for the work that she does do around the house.

I called her on my way home from work since it was before 8:00 and she'd have to get off then to wake up her mom (apparently). I talked to her a little bit about the text and she did seem to agree that it is more the way that her mom "talks" to her that bothers her more than the actual stuff she expects her to do. Once again, she isn't going to be able to change her mom and, even though it is incredibly difficult, she has to try and let the "unkindness" roll off her.

She told me about a speaker she attended after school and that she got another 100% on an English reading quiz (they are reading F@hrenheit 451 :) ) She said she thought her Geometry quiz yesterday went pretty well and she thinks she figured out a topic for her persuasive speech (why you should watch football ;) )

Then, she shared what her friends were doing this weekend. They are staying the night at one girls house tomorrow night so they can all go to her track meet on Saturday. I'm not sure if she talked to her mom about it via text or what, but apparently her mom's response was "WTH I don't know who that is". The teen has never really gotten to go out with friends on the weekends. When she lived with me, that's usually when there were visits (or I was working). She doesn't have a car or a license, so she can't go anywhere without arranging things in advance and she doesn't live by any of her friends.

She was obviously upset about this response since it didn't sound like her mom would do anything like call her friend's mom or try to get any information about who would be there and what the "actual" plans were. I told her about a high school friend who wasn't allowed to stay the night anywhere and I can't really judge her mom for saying "no" to a sleepover since she does seem to have issues with trusting people. I told her to ask her mom if she could go tomorrow night but then stay the night here instead of there and/or see if I can bring her to the track meet on Saturday so she can hang out with her friends there. I said her mom could call me, but I haven't heard from either of them and I'm about to go to bed.

I wish her mom knew what an amazing daughter she has. It makes me cry that she can't see it. Her daughter is loyal. She is a terrific friend. Does she know that having a daughter who doesn't drink, smoke, use drugs, sneak out, or stay out past curfew is pretty awesome? I wish she knew how hard her daughter has worked to catch up in school since she had a 1.9 GPA in the only semester of high school she had before entering care. Does she know that her daughter wants to get a business degree in college so she can start her own business? Does she know that her daughter memorizes the names of college athletes and talks about them like she knows them? Can she see her beautiful smile? Does she know her daughter likes to tell random stories and watch weird Utube videos?

I'm so blessed to know her amazing daughter...I just wish she knew her too.

Another Week Gone By

I can't believe that, once again, it has been a week since I have been able to post here. I have been crazy busy!

If you haven't seen any of my tweets or updates on fb, my new nephew has been having a rough time. He has spent over half his life in the hospital and probably 75% of his life under phototherapy lights to try to bring down his bilirubin (I think he had two types of jaundice--early and then late/breast milk jaundice). This past Sunday, he was admitted to a local NICU after having a fever of 101 at home (102 in the ER). Since he is so young, they have to rule out all types of infections, so he had a spinal tap, blood cultures, and a urine culture taken by a catheter. I believe he has been stuck with a needle every day since he's been born...poor little guy. For my sister and brother-in-law who are highly anxious people, they are handling this all remarkably well. After a little encouragement from my mom, I went to the ER on Sunday even though I had a really crappy and long day at work and had to go back on Monday for another crappy long day. I'm glad I went, though, so I could reassure them that the nurses and doctors were doing everything they should be doing (and he does, in fact, have really bad veins which is why it took multiple attempts to get an IV and his labs drawn). I went and visited yesterday since I was off and today I watched my other nephew during his nap so my mom could go get her hair done. Hopefully he will get out of the hospital tomorrow and they can get some sort of a routine. My poor sister has been "sleeping" in a recliner all week.

I worked an extra shift last week and was scheduled to work an extra one today, but luckily didn't have to. We have been crazy busy and my "best" (maybe only) work friend put in her notice yesterday. Another nurse put in her notice last week and rumor has it there are probably at least two more. So, I think it's probably good that I don't have a new foster placement right now. From the sounds of it, we will be working extra shifts for a while (some mandatory, some voluntary). I guess that's one way to help pay for my vacations :)

I did have Saturday off which was really nice. I picked up the girls a little after 1:00 and we went to my sister's so they could see the baby (he actually wasn't under the lights that day, so the little one kind of held him). The girls and I went with my mom and first nephew to the park. The little one was her usual stand-offish self for a while and then decided that playing with my nephew was ok, especially now that he can talk a lot (he turned one her first month living with me!)

After the park, we went Downtown to feed the ducks...I have no idea how many times we have done that, but it's really fun! This time it was challenging because it was really windy and the bread kept flying back at us, but it makes for a fun memory.

I got us Chinese for dinner before we went to a musical at the children's theater. My friend's daughter came with us. I have a membership, so we have gotten to go to a lot of shows in the nearly two years that I have known the girls. I think they will be even more fun as the little one gets older and understands more. She had just turned three when we went to our first one and now she is 4 1/2. Hopefully it continues to work that her mom lets them come with me to the shows.

I got stopped for speeding after I dropped off the girls and my friend's daughter. That was my first time ever and I'm feeling lucky I got away with a written warning. It was St. Patrick's Day, so maybe he was just making sure I hadn't been drinking. I was right by my friend's house and I don't go to that area of town very often. Apparently, the main street near her house has a speed limit of 35 which seems crazy. I was going 46...oops.

The teen missed her bus(es) on Monday since she was talking to a teacher. So, she ended up at my house for the night. Then, she decided to stay again last night. There weren't any tears this week, so maybe the extra time with me is helping (she spend three nights here last week plus we were together all day on Saturday). She agreed to therapy if she could go back to her previous therapist. I told her she may have to do all the scheduling and communication on her own and just get her mom to give consent. (I said she may have to do the same for her dentist, eye doctor, regular doctor since her mom hasn't taken the kids to any appointments since they've been home.) She contacted the therapist today and I'm so proud of her. I'm hoping that the therapist can help her communicate with her mom. I don't feel like I'm in a position to help with that since I'm "technically" on her mom's "side"...and yet I know it isn't easy to communicate with her mom. She filled out a couple job applications because I said maybe her mom will let her stay at her current school if she offers to pay for it. She has admitted that her grades slipped in part due to her extra socializing during classes and told me she is doing better with that.

The teachers had a staff meeting this morning, so she didn't start class until 9:00. Since I didn't have to work, we went out to breakfast. She and I ordered the same thing--French toast, scrambled eggs, and hash browns and she got sausage, I got bacon. Last night, she was brainstorming for a topic for her persuasive speech that's next week. I gave her a couple of ideas that she had already thought of. I love that I know her so well and that we really are alike in a lot of ways. I think I actually said something to the effect of "you really ARE my daughter" (or a lot like me) during breakfast this morning and all I got was a smile...and another comment from me saying that is "supposed" to be a good thing ;)

It was weird not having her here tonight even though it isn't like she's been here every night. Maybe it is because I didn't have any evening plans or shows to watch and wasn't busy at work all day. I managed to get a few things done (including writing a blog post-yay!) I don't know when she'll be back. During breakfast, I asked if she wanted to make some kind of schedule or if she liked this "randomness". She said she liked the "random" and she has a copy of my schedule to help her  planning. I just told her to keep me posted on her plans and make sure her mom is on board with them.

So, that's what's been going on this week. Hopefully I'll have time to write before another week goes by!

Good night.