It's been just over two months since the sh*t hit the fan. I'd love to be sitting here two months in and say that things are good/better, but I guess I'm thankful that I wouldn't necessarily say they are worse either. The teen continues to tell me that she doesn't think she'll be able to reach her goals unless she can live somewhere without her mom (preferably with me). She knows that she needs to get other people involved (like teachers, the principal, a counselor), but so far she has not talked to anyone but me, her aunt, and the child abuse hotline (and her friends).
I can't imagine how hard it is for her to talk about it, but it also is a little frustrating for me to not have any help. I have told her multiple times that I will be in this war with her, but she has to fight some of her own battles. She says she knows that. I guess I'm just having a hard time being patient since her emotional roller coaster is hard to watch, especially since I'm on one of my own and sometimes on hers too.
It breaks my heart to see her so sad and stressed. I love it when she comes over and we can spend time together. However, there always comes a point when she shuts down or gets this somber look on her face. I do wonder if that will go away if she did end up moving out of her home and back into mine or if she will always carry some of that sadness and stress with her.
Friday night, I planned to bring her and her friend home after our movie. Half way through the movie, her mom texted me that she was tired and so I could just "keep" the teen. I let her know that I worked on Saturday, so wouldn't be able to bring her home until after work (around 8:00 PM). She said fine. We had dangerous storms predicted for my area Saturday afternoon/evening, so I talked to her a couple of times and we decided she should just stay again. Sunday afternoon, I brought her home to change and picked up the little one. After hanging out at my house for a while, we went to a musical at the children's theater (one of our "things"). And then I brought them home. Yesterday, the teen came over after school while I was at work to study for her test. While she was here, her mom told her she could just stay the night rather than me bringing her home when I got off. I called and verified and she said she likes her being able to have some quiet time and being so close to school. Today, I picked her up from school and brought her home.
So, she has spent four out of five nights here...and now there are no plans of when she will be back...tomorrow? Thursday? Next week? The unpredictability is hard on my emotions, but I suppose I'd rather deal with it being unpredictably yes rather than her saying no on a day she previously said yes. The last time she spent this many days at my house, her mom became upset and whatever happened led to the teen threatening to run away. This time, I have record that it was her mom's idea for her to stay every night. I have no idea if that helps or not, but it's something!
I sent an email to the lawyer who worked on their case asking about the possibility of Power of Attorney. I talked to the teen about that potential option last night, even though I don't know if it is possible. Basically, I want her to be able to live with me, give her permission to get a job, be able to get her medical/dental/eye care, send her to her current school, and be able to make some educational decisions/talk to her teachers about her.
I am not asking for money from the State (although if I can count tuition costs as a tax deduction, I'll take it ;)). I don't even want the State to take away mom's welfare money she gets for the teen even though she won't be living there full-time (maybe I shouldn't say that since that doesn't sound 100% legal or ethical, but taking money away from her is not my goal).
I would much rather her mom willingly let her be where she obviously wants to be than try to get her taken away from her by the State due to abuse allegations!
In fact, I'm feeling quite a bit of guilt about potentially taking her down that path. Her mom trusts me. She doesn't really trust anyone. I have worked really hard to gain her trust, and she has worked hard to allow me to have it. Even though I honestly believe the teen will do much better living apart from her mom, it does make me feel like I'd be stabbing her in the back by being a part of putting her through an abuse investigation. Growing up, I had to deal with the "two-faced" girls and it brings tears to my eyes thinking that this isn't much/any different than that. She has been letting me see her kids and is actually really friendly to me. She doesn't have to do that. I realize that some of it is out of convenience to her and it is still often on "her time", but right now all of us are getting some "good" out of this arrangement, even though it is far from perfect.
The teen is going to think about letting me talk to one of her aunts. I need it to be clear to someone besides the teen that my intention was never to take the teen from her family. I have been encouraging her to work things out and she is the one who came to me saying (on multiple occasions) she wants to live with me. I have been too afraid to talk to her mom about our "arrangement" and future plans for our "arrangement" because I don't want to risk losing the parts that are good. I told the teen that her aunt may have an idea of how to approach her mom without it being threatening. Since we believe she is narcissistic, I need help making her see what is in it for her and how such a decision will show how good she is or something like that. I need someone else to believe that I'm really not an enemy and sincerely want what is best for their whole family.
In the mean time, I'm in a "holding pattern" where sometimes a teen lives here and sometimes she doesn't. I've gotten calls from my agency to do respite care, but I've had to turn all of them down (partially work-related too). So, I am also feeling a little guilty, and maybe a tiny bit resentful that I cannot take another placement. I've had my foster parent license for over 2 years and have only had one placement. Thankfully, one of the caseworkers reminded me today that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing right now...with the two girls who have forever changed my life.
So, I guess I'm back to going to every other week therapy and using this blog as therapy in between sessions. Today, I got my hair colored and had a manicure and a pedicure (and went back to sleep after I took the teen to school). So, along with "talking it out" here, I am trying to taking care of myself (I take naps whenever I can!) I know that I'm no good for the teen if I'm an emotional wreck, but I have been honest with her that this is tough for me.
Well, we have been short at work and having to pick up extra shifts. So, I'm scheduled to work the next three days even though I worked yesterday. I'd better get some sleep (I think I've been typing this for an hour...I'd say it was a pretty good use of my time though...ha!)
Good night.
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