Mental Health Day

I slept like a rock after my hours of crying last night, and it was REALLY hard to get up this morning. But, I had a meeting to lead, so off I went--back to the hospital for a 9:30 meeting.

The meeting actually went REALLY well, although I did have to catch myself a couple times to make sure no "random" tears would fall. I got some really nice compliments about the way the meeting went, which, of course, was very nice.

But, by the time I got home, I was crying again (the two comments I received on last night's post were very nice, but did create a different kind of tears). I was once again bawling to the point of nearly making myself sick and knew then that there was NO way I would be able to make it through a 12-hour shift tomorrow...not when I could barely hold myself together yesterday, barely held myself together during a MEETING, and couldn't make the tears stop while I was at home sitting on the couch.

However, I was crying WAY too hard to call my manager to talk to her. I have NEVER called in sick and it just didn't seem right to wait when I already knew that work just wasn't going to happen. And, while I felt guilty about wanting to call in sick when I wasn't "sick" (although, I really do sort of feel sick, and most definitely would feel "ill" if I had to get up for work knowing that I wasn't quite right), I knew I needed to do it. So, I sent her an email asking her to call me when she had a chance.

And then I went to bed where I cried on an off, but did get a nice little nap.

At around 5:00, I decided I should call her since it had been a little bit since I cried and I thought I'd be okay. She wasn't in her office, but for some reason answered the charge nurse's phone. Of course, I burst into tears and asked her to call me when she got back to her office.

I was supposed to meet my fantasy baseball partner to discuss our plans for fantasy football since our "draft" is tomorrow. However, I knew I was in no shape to go to a public place, so I asked if we could go to her house. As things turned out, she was having a tough time and really was in need of a good chat/cry. So, she stopped by my crazy messy house and we ordered a pizza and drank a beer.

My manager finally called me back about 7:00 since she was working out on the floor helping. Of course, I started crying again and told her that I really didn't think it would be good for me to come to work tomorrow. I seriously need a "mental health day" and let her know that I WOULD be calling the employee assistance program to make an appointment. I likely will be okay by tomorrow, especially if I go to bed shortly, but it doesn't work for me to be there and "go through the motions". I have to "give my all" or I feel like crap, which probably would bring more tears, even if whatever it is that is causing THESE tears goes away. Me not working tomorrow means they have to get a float nurse. That makes me feel guilty, but, I was told multiple times today that I NEED to take care of myself, and that will be possible if I can have a day without any plans. I haven't been to the grocery store in a long time. My kitchen is in shambles because I haven't been able to finish painting. My living room is a mess, my guest room has a bunch of stuff from the kitchen. I need to go to the post office. I need to balance my check book/pay bills. I just need to be at home when no one knows that I am "off"...

I cried and cried and she was SO great. It is wonderful to have such a good relationship with her because she KNOWS me. She knows that it was killing me knowing that I was leaving the floor in a little bit of a pinch, but also asked that I call her tomorrow to let her know how things are going.

I am exhausted and honestly do not know how all those tears found their way out because yesterday left my pillows pretty soaked. Of course, I have friends who tend to put things in perspective because things could always be worse. But, maybe the hardest part about all these tears is that there isn't a "reason" for them...at least not one that is staring me in the face. The tears are as real as if it was learning of an illness, or a death, or a fire, or the loss of a job...but it makes SENSE to cry in those situations and making sense of all this is proving to be a bit of a challenge.

However, like I told my manager, I am blessed with great friends. I have an amazing family (although they have NO clue I have spent the past two days crying). I have a wonderful job working with terrific people. I have faith. I already use journalling as an outlet.

Time for bed.

I think it is appropriate that I didn't find this in my inbox until today...even though it arrived on Tuesday:

"So be gentle with yourself; show yourself the same kindness and patience you might show a young child - the child you once were. If you won’t be your own friend, who will be? If, when playing an opponent, you are also opposing yourself, you will be outnumbered."

~Dan Millman

Good night.