Rushed

I discovered some more reasons why I would rather have my computer at home than use my mom and dad's. It is much harder to "journal" (which is what I would say I do here) when you know someone (or two someones) is watching to see how long you spend on the computer. I do not like being "rushed"! When I'm at home, sometimes I read what I write MANY times before I hit "post" just to make sure what I have written is really what I mean, what I feel, and that it makes sense. Yesterday, I typed some of my last post in the afternoon, and finished up last night before my parents kicked me out. Last night, I laid awake in bed wondering about what I had typed. I wished I could go check my computer, because I thought I needed to do some "editing". But I couldn't, and that made me sad because I KNEW that others would read what I had written, and I didn't know when I would be able make any corrections. I wondered about the words I had used, and how they would be interpreted...there wasn't anything I could do, though, so I tried not to "stew" about it for too long because that wouldn't help anything (except make me tired and maybe crabby too!)!

I believe I owe an apology to that little girl's parents for what I wrote last night. I know FOR SURE they loved that little girl very much. As circumstances go, though, being uprooted from their home with a sick child, poor coping mechanisms and many other "issues"...things were not easy for them, or for her. It is never "fair" for a mother to lose her child, and she will grieve just as every other mother who has lost a child grieves...in her own way, in her own time. I do, however, think that it is a blessing that this child died in this hospital where there is NO question that every possible intervention was done as quickly as possible. There is no little voice in the back of ANYONE'S mind wondering if the parents missed something, or didn't seek help in time.

Anyway, I'm in between classes, so was able to stop at mom and dad's to use their computer. I am SO glad I got done with the first class early, because I felt I NEEDED to clarify some things here. I feel a LOT better, even though I can't really take back the stuff I wrote yesterday that I didn't like. I have my first foster parent class tonight from 6-9. I'm pretty tired, so will probably just go home after that (although it would be nice to write about my first class right after I finish it!). I work tomorrow, but most likely will stop by mom and dad's to do some journalling after that. I believe my computer is done getting its files backed up, so can be on its way to get the speakers fixed (and whatever else the IT people found...maybe something is wrong with the processor?!). I cannot WAIT to have it back (I upset my mom last night for continuing to tell her that her work people broke my computer...they WERE doing me a favor, and I DO appreciate it, but it is still crazy!).