Hope

I slept like a rock last night (go figure...this was a LONG, emotional week!), except for waking up just in time to see my clock change from 3:59 to 4:00. I wasn't sure if that was significant or not at the time and thought about calling to check on the baby, but decided to go back to sleep since I told the mom she could call if she needed me. I called her on my way to the retreat and they ended up putting him on a ventilator around 5:00 this morning (so, 4:00 probably was not a good time for either of them...they did, however, get a prayer from me since I was awake).

The retreat was much needed, and I actually didn't cry until the end when I went to talk to the presenter (I wanted to get the quote written below and then told her about my little patient and his mom...she is a nurse too, but said she could NEVER do pediatrics. She did offer to pray for them, though, which was nice.). The title of the retreat was "Weaving Hope into the Fabric of our Lives". Even though I took notes, putting some of the information here will make it easily accessible if I want to read it again. She broke the presentation up into seven lessons, and had quilts for examples with each lesson. It was really neat.

"The kind of hope I often think about (especially in situations that are particularly hopeless) I understand above all as a state of mind, not a state of the world. Either we have hope within us or we don't; it is a dimension of the soul. It is an orientation of the spirit, an orientation of the heart, it transcends the world that is immediately experienced, and is anchored somewhere beyond its horizon.

[He concludes] Hope [is] an ability to work for something because it is good, not just because it stands a chance to succeed. The more unpropitious the situation in which we demonstrate hope, the deeper that hope is. Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out." ~Vaclav Havel

Lesson one--"Make the best of leftovers" (when life gives you scraps, make quilts). She showed a quilt made entirely out of scraps, and we had a discussion of other things we have made from nothing.
Lesson two--"Uniqueness"; I think this was when she told a story about her daughter giving her two weeks to make a graduation quilt and wanted it to be "funky", black, white, and red. It was a funny story, and a really "funky" quilt! "You are a unique, irreplaceable, unrepeatable representation of the face of God for the people of your time." ~John Paul II
Lesson three--"Lights and Darks"; We had a discussion about what darkness teaches--patience, appreciation, hope, faith, knowledge, growth, flexibility... She showed a quilt with a bunch of different "star" like blocks, but a couple of them she used fabric that was too similar, so they didn't stand out. You need contrast; there is value in the light and the dark. The lights and darks of life are both necessary.
Lesson four--"Imperfections"; Mistakes can be overlooked when you are loved. Mistakes can't be seen from a distance. And, mistakes can be overlooked when you are cold! I'm not a quilter, so her quilts looked pretty amazing to me, but apparently in the "quilting world", her quilts are far from perfect. But, that doesn't really matter when you are cold, right!
Lesson five--"Contentment"; "Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have." ~Mark Twain; She told a story about going to a quilt class and quitting part-way through because she was not "up to par" with their perfection. So, she finished the quilt at home her way, with her own pattern, and it was not perfect, but it was hers, and she was okay with that. Sometimes we can't pick our patterns or our colors, but we can decide how we will create.
Lesson six--"It takes time"; Our lives unfold in bits and pieces. We rarely see what the quilt looks like until it is almost done. She found some special fabric for a quilt for her daughter when she was out-of-town. When she was about to start the quilt, she realized that she didn't have enough fabric for her original plan. So, it took a LOT of time to figure out how to make it all work, even though it was a small quilt and she hadn't planned on it taking that long to make. There are no accidents; things happen in God's time; time heals; memories and friends develop over time; time is a blessing; "mellowing" with age is a gift.
Lesson seven--"Leaving a legacy"; We had a discussion about how to leave a legacy of love...photos, scrapbooks, quilts, traditions, faith, telling stories, ethnic heritage. I didn't speak up at this point (I decided that not everyone would appreciate being "burdened" by what is going on in my life), but I do believe that being a nurse allows me to leave a "legacy" of love fairly often. That's what I love most about my job...being able to make a difference, even in doing little things that seem insignificant. Like the quote at the top of my blog says, "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." ~Leo Buscaglia

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After the retreat, I decided to be a little bit productive. I haven't been home very much this week, so my house is even messier than normal. I cleaned up the inside of my car (I had choir music and random papers everywhere...I just picked that stuff up, I didn't vacuum or anything CRAZY like that!) since I had offered to bring the baby's parents to church with me. I put away some laundry, and did two loads of wash. I didn't finish loading the dishwasher, but maybe I'll do that before I go to bed! I ended up going to 5:00 Mass alone since the mom and dad were taking a nap (I don't blame them...I took one too!).

After Mass, I ate dinner, then my friend from California called me and we talked for a little while. I typed the first part of this journal, then was going to watch The Memory Keeper's Daughter (I read the book, so I suppose it "makes sense" to watch the movie). However, it is a pretty sad story, and once I started watching, I was thinking "this is not a very good idea with my emotions the way they are"...THEN, my phone rang--yay, great timing! It was my new friend calling to apologize for not making much sense when I talked to her earlier (the apology was NOT necessary, but it was VERY nice to visit with her, especially since she got me away from the movie!). Her baby is more comfortable on the vent, which is an answer to one of her prayers. Right now his blood pressures are still low, but hanging in there. They have not had to start dialysis which is good. They are still waiting, and praying, for organs, so that will be my prayer too. I told them they could use my car tomorrow while I'm at work to run errands, so now I'm glad I cleaned up my car :o)

Well, now it's about 9:45...that seems like an early time to go to bed, but I guess I AM my own boss, so I can go to bed whenever I want! I actually may bring my foster parent book to bed and do some reading (I have a LOT to get caught up on!). Good night!