Down and Up

That's how my emotions have been this week...down and up. I guess it's good to end the week on an up, but the down was not fun at all.

The girls, their mom (and apparently the oldest of the 3 brothers in between them) went with their aunt out of town for the weekend. They left on Friday night and did not get back until Wednesday afternoon. So, the teen missed school on Tuesday and Wednesday. I do not think that was a very cool thing to do to her, but she said her grades are fine and she has been able to make up the work she missed.

Tuesday, I had a rough day. I went and saw my therapist in the morning which was actually good timing. She was worried about me because all this stuff with the teen has been weighing on my emotions and it's all up and down depending on her mom's mood. She (along with my caseworker) are a little worried about what mom will do if somehow this does end up in an investigation by the State in order for the teen to be placed back with me. It could be really ugly for me, but I'm not going to let the teen down just because I'm scared of what kinds of lies her mom will say about me.

Since the teen was out-of-town, I didn't get to talk to her as much and I was having a really hard time with that. She also didn't respond to some of my text messages and I ended up with a terrible feeling Tuesday afternoon/evening that she wouldn't want to see/talk to me after spending that time with her family. I knew that I was worrying for nothing (or that I shouldn't worry about something like that considering she isn't really my kid), but it was really hard to fight off those feelings. Wednesday was a lot better emotionally and I decided that I would let her contact me and not keep texting her and bugging her while she was with her family. I realized that I was kind of being annoying (or at least that was a definite possibility), so that helped me too.

I'm glad that I was able to get myself to simmer down because I got quite the surprise yesterday afternoon. I had a missed call from her mom yesterday at 2:30 while I was at work. I texted her that it was a crazy day, but I'd try and call her if I had a chance. I was taking the second half of my lunch break (long, busy day!) around 4:30 and got a text from the teen that her mom texted her to say she could stay the night at my house if she wanted. Yeah, totally random and I wasn't included in the communication to ask if she could or not...ha! So, the teen asked, I said sure, verified with her mom that it was okay she was there when I wasn't and she said sure. I ended up going out with people from work after work for dinner (with the teen's "blessing"/"permission") and then brought her some food. We were able to visit and she assured me that my bad feeling was not at all true :) She talked to her aunt while she was out of town about what has been going on with her mom. I'm glad she found someone to talk to, but I'm not sure if that aunt can help or not. She knows that she needs to talk to people at school about what is going on since right now it just looks like I'm trying to take her from her mom which is not at all true, but is how it could easily look.

Then, today the teen got off school early. She asked if she could come over after school since I was off. I said sure and her mom wouldn't give us a time she wanted her home. So, we hung out, ate dinner, and she had a friend came over to watch a movie. My plan (and hers) was for me to bring both girls home after the movie. I texted her mom our plan and she didn't text back until half way through the movie. She said she was tired and the teen should just stay here (she actually said "u can keep her" and I should have taken that opportunity to text "forever?!", but I did not). I am scheduled to work tomorrow, so maybe she'll end up staying all weekend?

I love that the teen is here, but two weekends ago, her mom told her she was no longer allowed to come over. I'm not sure how long our emotions can handle her mom's ways like this, but I guess we have no choice right now. It is so hard to see her so sad when she comes here after extended time at home and then now hearing her laugh with her friend (and laughing with me), knowing that this is temporary and her mom WILL take away the things she enjoys, for how ever long it is convenient for her. The downs and ups is not fun at all, but I'll continue to support her when she's here...and take care of myself (and her) when she's not.

Well, time to take her friend home so I can come back and go to bed. Tomorrow will be my fourth shift of the week (plus two days of hour and half meetings), so it's been a long week (but that bigger pay check will be nice!)
Good night.

Lots of Smiles Too

I realized that all I've been writing about (and talking about) is the drama with the teen and her living situation and all the stress, worry, and emotional days that has brought me. I love her so much and it has been weighing on me a lot. However, she and I do have fun times together along with the serious conversations. I've actually had a lot of good things happen at work recently, including taking care of really good patients and receiving lots of positive feedback and support from my Manager. My older nephew cracks me up and it was great to spend time with the little one last week. So, even though things have been tough, I am still doing things to take care of myself with lots of smiles and laughter too :)

The teen, the little one, and their mom went out of town on Friday to see extended family (they left the boys here...weird, but whatever). I've texted the teen a couple of times and she seems to be doing well. Apparently, they aren't leaving until tomorrow to come home, so she will miss a day of school. I'm interested to see if this has changed her thoughts on what she wants/needs at all. Hopefully I'll get to see her this week (before Sunday when her mom said I could take her and the little one to the children's theater). I miss her (but am SO grateful that last Tuesday, she hugged me tightly back during one of my 25 or so hugs...I can still feel it when I close my eyes).

Good night.

Where to Begin

So much has happened in the six days since I last posted that I don't even know where to begin.

On Saturday, I was off, so got to go to lunch with my Grandma (dad's mom), mom, sister, two nephews, cousin, and her baby. It was really fun and nice to try and get away from the "foster mama drama" for a little while...

Saturday afternoon, I called the girls' mom and first left her a message (a long one). She called me back and we talked for a while (she was very pleasant to me on the phone, as she has been). Basically, my reason for calling was to see if she would be willing to meet with me face-to-face on Tuesday (my next day off) to talk about how things are going. I told her that, even though there are 3 of us, I didn't want it to be a "triangle" where one person was put in the middle or one person was left out. I told her that I thought we were communicating well by phone and text (a little stretch of the truth, but I had to try!), but thought we needed a face-to-face to make sure we understood each other. I told her that I was here for them and would be willing to help the teen get to doctor/dentist appointments and mentioned therapy again (she said she doesn't have money for that). She mentioned that she may be leaving town and needed to figure out some things, so I agreed to call her the next day (Sunday) when I got off work.

Little did I know that my initial voice mail caused quite a commotion in their home. She called the teen and wanted to know why I wanted to talk to her and told the teen to call me. When the teen didn't, she cursed at her and said she'd just do it herself (Hello, I wanted to talk to YOU lady...I already talk to you daughter). Then, apparently the teen got her cell phone taken away and had to stay out of her room.


Sunday while I was at work, I got a lunch time text from the teen (from her email account since her phone was still confiscated) that she could not take it there any more and she was going to run away on Monday. She said there was no way she could last another week in that prison. Her mom was saying lots of hurtful things and that she would have to change schools her Senior year (and not allowed to get a job). Thankfully, I was able to talk her out of running away, but it was SO hard knowing how desperate she was to get out of that environment. My "mama bear claws" came out and I really began to feel like I couldn't take it any more either. I texted her mom before I called and she told me to call Monday instead. We did text for a few minutes and the teen texted me saying that her mom was getting really mad that I was texting her and to stop which is so weird since she was being so nice to me in the texts.

After much debate (and prayers), I decided to call the Child Abuse Hotline when I got home from work. It was SO hard and I cried the whole time. I knew that if it went to investigation, I could lose a lot, but it was the right thing to do and helping the teen would be worth it. Unfortunately, there was not enough information from me to start an investigation (she knows better than to physically abuse and the emotional and verbal stuff is very hard to prove).

Monday while I was at work, I continued to message the teen through her email account telling her not to run away and be patient. I recommended she make her own report through the Child Abuse Hotline since she had information/details I did not. Her mom did answer my call when I called after work and we talked for a long time. She said that I could bring the little one to the Children's Museum on Thursday, but maybe not the teen. She said that the teen could not stay at my house and I could not bring her to her friend's track meet on Tuesday (I told her I'd cross my fingers she would change her mind and she laughed at me...I think I handle her pretty well even though I often think she could use a smack in the face or something ;) )

On Tuesday, their mom ignored three of my phone calls and then finally responded to a text. During THIS conversation, she said maybe she'd be going out of town for 2 weeks and would think about maybe letting both girls stay here through Easter...seriously, who ARE you?! Then, I asked her how my finger crossing worked and she did let me pick up the teen and bring her to the track meet/dinner (she was "good" and said I just should have her home by 11...again, who ARE you?!) The teen and I talked a LOT about what she wants/needs and what had been going on at home the past few days. Her big things are to stay at her current school for her Senior year and not live with her mom (preferably with me). She'd like to continue to have contact with her siblings, but realizes that may not happen if her mom gets angry enough. She wants to get out and be successful so she can help her siblings when they get older and mom treats them the way she is being treated now.

Yesterday, her mom confirmed that I could bring the little one to the Children's Museum today, but would not confirm if the teen could come or not. The teen told me that if she was allowed to come, she would make her call to the Child Abuse Hotline while the little one and I were gone.

This morning, her mom said it was okay for both girls to come with me. Of course, she was sleeping when I picked them up AND sleeping when I dropped them off five hours later, so I still didn't get to see her face-to-face which is annoying. I decided that it wouldn't be good if the teen didn't come to the museum since that was what we said our plan was. But, she needed to make her call in private. So, the little one and I left and then I had my friend watch her while I came back to get the teen after her call. It worked out ok I think. She needs to talk to some people at school who can continue the paper trail of documenting her abuse, but I'm really proud of her for taking that step.

I have done a lot of thinking and praying this week, and I honestly don't think she will be "ok" unless she gets out of that environment. I have tried being on her mom's side and tried to get them to work things out. I have encouraged the teen to try and let the hurtful comments roll off and remind her that she really is important, but I think enough is enough. I know that some (maybe even many) people will disagree with me, but the teen lived with me for 16 months and I've known her (and her mom) for nearly 2 years, so I feel like I am a good judge of character. This is beyond "just being a teenager" and I'm not a foster mom who is just upset she didn't get to adopt her foster kid(s). I have told her multiple times that I will fight the war with her, but she is going to have to fight some of the battles herself and she agrees. She understands that running away is not a good idea and she knows that this fight will not be easy (and likely not quick).

So, that's what's been going on...well, that and one of my favorite patients died on Saturday. She was 15 and had a great family...I haven't even had a chance to think about it much or do any sort of grieving yet, but I'm hoping to write a letter to her family which should help.

Hopefully I can get back to blogging more regularly soon, but I've been keeping busy doing other things these days...I do miss it and need to journal/diary!

Just as Hard

Six months ago tonight, I brought the girls back home to be reunited with their family. I didn't have any idea what "reunification" was going to look like. I had no idea that just when I needed it most, I would get a letter from the teen telling me how much she appreciated what I had done for her and her sister during their 16 months here.

Unfortunately, I feel like I have more tears in my eyes (or just as many) tonight as I did six months ago. All this stuff that is going on with the teen hurts my heart so much. The letter I got nearly a week ago reminding me how much she appreciates my role in her life was such a blessing, but it does make her sadness sting even more. She ended up staying Monday night as well since she forgot her bus money (so, she stayed Monday night, Tuesday night, and then Friday night through Monday night).

Her going home on Tuesday was what needed to happen, but it was hard for both of us (I'm pretty sure I've cried, or at least teared up, every day since then). Today when I talked to her about being "ok" at home, her response was "well, it has to be"...and she's right. I want so badly for things to be better for her. I know that I've made a tremendous impact on her life already, but there is so much more that needs to be done to get her where she wants to go (my biggest concern is her having to change schools for her Senior year).

I went to an all day training for foster parents and others who work with foster children/biological parents. It was really good and when it was over, I talked to another foster parent for quite some time. She recommended I talk to the teen's mom about doing something more like a "power of attorney" rather than "legal guardianship" so the teen could stay here during the week (or all the time?) and I could consent for medical treatment/educational needs when needed. I'm not sure if it would be possible or if her mom would agree to it (or even how to talk to her mom about something like that...she is really hard to talk to sometimes!) I emailed the therapist because, even though it could be seen as "meddling", I really think she is the only one who can help us sort through the feelings and come up with a solution.

October 2011

January 2012

March 2012

Even though I know I'll get to see them, in some ways, it's just as hard as it was 6 months ago...in some ways, it is even harder.

Remember This

Tonight is the third night in a row the teen has stayed here and the fifth night in a week. I love having her here so much and I love that she feels so comfortable here. I did have to talk to her about respect of time yesterday when I had to wait for over 20 minutes for her to come out of her friend's track meet. She isn't very good at apologies and I wasn't very good at being upset with her, but we muddled through it and I did call her out later on her crappy apology. I do believe that she "gets it", but I guess maybe when people you love hurt you and don't ever apologize, you have to learn how to apologize when you hurt someone you love some time, even if it's when you're 17.

As it turned out, I got a letter from her in the mail which I found right after our little "respect talk". It didn't make me cry like this one did, but maybe that's only because she's been staying here and I was still getting over being upset with her. She did it for an assignment and said she didn't re-read it so it is a tiny bit scattered (and her grammar isn't that great), but I know it was from the heart. Again, I never throw anything away, but I want to remember this:

Dear Amanda,
Well, I would like to first off start out by saying that I have to write a letter to people that I care about. I thought I'd take this opportunity to write one of my letters to you. I would like to start this by saying thank you! For everything that you do for me and all that you have already done. They say everything happens for a reason, right? Right! Well, I see having spent time with you has changed me and will forever shape the person that I am. Though I may have not told you, there is so much that you have given me. So much wisdom. Many of the great qualities that I have today, I think that I owe you some of the credit for that. Some would be my determination, my optimism, and so much more. They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. Well, I have many of those, but I think a memory has even more value and I have even more of those. There were times when I kind of did not like being with you but that was solely because you asked me so much about school and homework. But now that I look back on it, I do see that is what made me succeed so much and even now you are still doing that and it's just a sign that you care. And, well, now I don't care that you ask so much. I enjoy it because in the end it gives me some sense of satisfaction. So, when you ask now, it doesn't bother me at all, not even a little bit. The time that I have spent with you I will treasure because when I look back and think why am I the way I am today, I will know that you have helped me. I know that I can always count on you. From the day that I met you, you have been nice, caring, and loving and still are. And some of those qualities that you have have been put on me too. When I look to the future and I have all those goals, I thank you for telling me that I can and that it's all possible and I can achieve them if I want to.


So, in the end, why I wrote you a letter is to say thank you for everything and you are an amazing person. I love you.


Love always, 
M

Her mom and I have communicated some via text the past couple of days, but tonight I decided I better actually call her. I kept making the teen communicate her/our plans with her mom first, but the only responses she got from her mom were "k" or "ok". Then, she got a text today that kind of made it sound like her mom may not be so keen on all her time spent here, so I figured I'd better touch base and make sure everything is "ok". Thankfully, it was a "pleasant" conversation and she told me she feels safe with the teen here and is glad I am able to take her to do things and give her a quiet place to study. I reminded her about calling the therapist to say it's okay M starts seeing her again and she said she left a message. I really hope that's the truth because M really needs an adult who allows her to vent. I am not exactly in a position to fully do that because I can't take her "side" (even though I'd MUCH rather be on her side than her mom's on most occasions). I reminded M that her mom can decide at any time that she can't come here anymore...and I told her that if that happened, she would still be "ok" (but we need to try and not let that happen!)

When I got home from work, I noticed that she picked up all the toys in the playroom from last weekend and rearranged the furniture in the basement. Then, I noticed she picked up the living room (and dinner was ready). I went to my room to change and she had even piled up my crap and put my shoes in the closet so she could vacuum. Oh, and she cleaned the bathroom a little bit too. I am so blessed (and spoiled ;) )

I know she needs to go home and work things out there, but I won't lie and say I'm not looking forward to the next time we get to spend time together.
Good night.

Six Months

Today marked six months since Sara (Gitzen Girl) left this Earth. However, her life did not really "end" because her legacy lives on in all those who have been touched by her story and continue to "Choose Joy" because of her. (I even chose "Choose" as my "One Word" for this year.) I am so blessed to have exchanged words with her on twitter and via email. Although none of our plans to actually have a "face-to-face" chat worked out, Sara still had a way of making me feel like I was a very important person to her...and in the days leading up to her death and the days after, I realized that was the way she made EVERYONE feel. I think about her all the time and I miss her presence (even though her words are still here), but am grateful that she chose to share herself...in the good times and the not so good ones. Here is a photo of the canvas of hers that I won and a "repost" of what I wrote on the day Sara passed away.

Finding My Words (Originally Posted September 24, 2011)
Ever since I read the words on Sara's blog last Wednesday saying that hospice had been brought into her home and her days left here would be few, I have been trying to find my words. That post came two days after I found out that my foster daughters could go home and their days left here in my home would also be few.

Every time I thought maybe I'd be able to find the words, I'd read another beautiful post by one of her friends (like Alece, Mandy and Shannon). I bawled reading this post and even though I kept reminding myself that I just needed to speak from my heart and be myself, I just couldn't do it. Even though this post put into words how you can be so incredibly sad to lose someone that you've never actually "met" (thank you social media), I still struggled. I was thankful for the nearly 700 comments on that post last Wednesday and the well over 100 links on this post to help me not feel so crazy to feel this way about someone I never actually met. I know that my family and friends who live here would NEVER understand, but I'm so grateful to have friends who do.

Finally, I'm sitting in a quiet house with a Green Apple Smirnoff and going to attempt to find some words to share.

I was trying to remember when and how I first came to know Sara (Gitzen Girl). However, I really can't remember. I think either it's one of those things that happened that didn't seem significant at the time, but ended up being something much bigger or something so "fabulous" that I can't remember my life without her blog in it ;)

I did do a little "research" and it appears that the first post I wrote that mentioned her was in February of 2009 in this post. It appears that the first time I actually left a comment on her blog was that same month on this post which is actually a very funny "Flashback Friday" about when she had someone get her chicken on a Friday during Lent since it "wasn't meat"...one of the many reasons people love Sara :)

The month after that, Sara was doing something called "Hump Day Giveaways" which again is super funny because who doesn't enjoy saying "Hump Day Giveaway"?! ;) I left a comment on this post, found out the following day I was a winner, and wrote a rather boastful post on my blog to celebrate. That canvas now hangs in my kitchen and it is a gift I will treasure forever.


In April 2010, I wrote about "bringing Sara" to Holy Week services with me and how that made it that much more special (FYI the rest of that post is really boring and all over the place, but I did write about that ;) ) Knowing Sara and her "circumstances" definitely helped change my views on a lot of things...I open the windows more, I play in the rain more, take more time to look at flowers and listen to nature, and hope I take less of my life and its blessings for granted.


In June 2010, I was completely "star struck" after being included in Gitz Bits (I sent her "Glee Gum") and had begun to refer to myself as a "Gitzen Girl Groupie" (or THE Gitzen Girl Groupie...excuse me ;) ) That was the month I became a foster parent and I was on the receiving end of many prayers and much love and support in that decision and the journey that followed.

The following month, Sara's dad died suddenly and I wrote in this (very long) post that I had read it while I was at work and was so sad for her, especially since she was unable to really be with her whole family during that time. A month or two ago, I shared with her that she and her parents were in one of my dreams. I wish I could get my twitter feed back that far since I don't remember everything, but I remember making some kind of comment to her dad about "checking out early" and he had some kind of sarcastic remark since obviously mine was a bit out of line...she told me that was the kind of response I would have gotten from him. There was more in that dream that I can't remember now, but I am glad I was able to share some of it with her.


In September, 2010, the "little one" (my then 3-year-old foster daughter) and I found this video.



I can't even tell you how many times we watched it or how many nights in a row she asked to "see Sara". I've watched it a few times this past week too because I have also wanted to "see Sara". This is the closest I ever really came to "seeing" her. We made plans to Skype a few times last fall, but it never worked out with her health/our schedules. Last September was the first time I remember telling her that "for real" seeing and/or talking to her was on my "Bucket List"...she laughed and/or made fun of me every time I said it (her exact words in a tweet were "oh my word, I'm not bucket list material, woman! Riley, maybe :)" ) The last tweet I could find from her was about six weeks ago before Jessica's visit. She was SO excited about that visit and I told her I was jealous of Jessica (no offense...she responded that I was jealous of the wrong person!) I reminded her of my "Bucket List" and she responded "we'll get that checked off someday, girl. then you can aim higher :)" Totally Sara :)

In October 2010, I participated in my first (and only) "Take Five Friday" and in December, I linked up to my one (and only) "You: Create" link-up. I was inspired to make a canvas for my teenage foster daughter's 16th birthday. Sara helped me figure out what to put on it by suggesting song lyrics. I decided to use lyrics from Lady Antebellum's song "I Was Here"--"I know it's my destiny to leave more than a trace of myself in this place." Those are some powerful words and I definitely know Sara is leaving WAY more than a trace of herself in this place.

I'm not sure why my "research" didn't find any posts from 2011, but I think it's because 2011 had more "tweets" and blog comments exchanged than anything else. Sara may have been a "big name blogger", but she had a way of making everyone feel like they were the most important person in the world to her. She prayed for you, she rejoiced with you, she cried with you, she was a cheerleader and a devoted friend and family member. In response to a comment I left on one of her (in)courage posts back in May, she told me "hi, sweet girl. you are doing such an amazing with those girls, and I know they will treasure these memories just as much as you do. much love!" That was written just a few days before I thought the girls were going home. Now, as I am just days away of them "for real" going home, they are exactly the words I need to hear. That is Sara...one of the many things about her that will be missed...

Hopefully my struggle to find my words wasn't too painful for anyone else to read, but this blog has always been for me and I want to remember this. It is a little "linky crazy", but at least all (or most) of my "Sara posts" will be in one place whenever I need a reminder to "Choose Joy". Sara is more precious to me than words can say. I regret that there are cards I bought for her that never were sent. I wish I really would have hopped in my car one day and drove to see her (honestly, I was more afraid of any "funky stuff" that I carried on me from being a pediatric nurse than afraid of being seen as a "crazy lady" for randomly showing up on her doorstep!) I'm not sure Sara ever could have met a stranger who didn't soon become her friend...and that is why there are "strangers" all over the world grieving over the fact that this world is losing an amazing person while also celebrating that in Heaven she will be free of the pain she faced on this Earth. Sara, you will be missed, but know that your legacy will live on in each and every person who has read your words, heard your story, been on the receiving end of a tweet/email/blog comment, etc. Who knew that a farm girl from Iowa who couldn't leave her condo could do so much good...only God...and I am SO very blessed that God chose me to be a part of it too. Thank you Sara. And, if any of her family happens upon this post...thanks for sharing Sara with all of us...my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.


Update: Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this post, drinking the last sip of my Green Apple Smirnoff, Sara was taking her last breath. I woke up at 6:00 this morning to get ready for work and saw the posts on twitter. I haven't exactly had time to process since I need to leave for work very shortly, but will be praying for her family and all who love her. I found a scrub top to wear to work that has hearts and stars and the words "Love", "Peace", and "Joy"...I will remember to "Choose Joy".


Also, if you clicked here from Jessica's site and were curious about the red square thumbnail...well, it was supposed to be this--a picture (from my phone) of my canvas on the wall in my kitchen. However, I obviously had some major technological difficulties and had no clue how to fix it ;)

Being Together

The teen is spending the night here again tonight. This is her third night this week and her first weekend night since the girls went back home nearly six months ago. She spent three nights here last week too.

This week was the first week since she started coming back here that she didn't cry. I don't think there is anything wrong with tears, but I'm hoping this means that something we are doing is working. I talk to her pretty much every day, even if it's just a text message reminding her that I love her and to keep her chin up.

She got a B on her Geometry quiz this week. I think she was close to failing Geometry last quarter. She has gotten A's on her last couple English quizzes. She went in for help from her Spanish teacher. She is keeping up with her History reading and doing well on those quizzes too. She's been working on her Speech that's due Wednesday. I'm sure her teachers are curious about the turnaround from mostly D's last quarter to this, but I'm glad she's taking it seriously and is back to believing that working hard is worth it.

Her mom has to approve therapy before the teen can start seeing her therapist again. I tend to agree with her that her mom won't consent if she feels threatened by it. I hope we are both wrong because I believe that her talking to the therapist will really help all three of us in ways that no one else can.

Her friend's plan for a sleepover tonight fell through, so she didn't have to skip it. However, she did get permission to stay here tonight and go to her friend's track meet tomorrow. I was having nightmares about her mom not letting her do anything social this weekend, so am really glad this worked out :) I got to watch "The Help" with her and she shared stories from school and her friends. She yelled at the TV while she watched a baseball game and she sang to my iPod music in the shower...I sort of forget what my life was like before she (and her sister) came into it...never a dull moment now :)

Just being together is a blessing to me and I am so thankful for this time...I do still wish that her mom knew how amazing she is...

Good night.

I Wish She Knew

First of all, my nephew is home from the hospital--yay! His bilirubin finally came down to 10, so hopefully it keeps going down. My sister is very excited to sleep in a bed instead of a recliner (although I'm not sure she'll sleep much with a two week old who has spent the week in the hospital!)

I'm surprised the teen isn't sleeping here tonight. I am, however, proud of her for going home even though it is likely easier to come here.

She sent me a copy of a text her mom sent her as soon as she got home from school. Her mom sent it from her bedroom and did not go see the teen. It seems like her mom talks to her a lot via text message. "U got the dishes and front room spotless sweep, mop. Deal. Wake me up at 8pm." The teen's comment on the message was "I DO help a lot here more than I should". I texted her back that she should help with dishes, floors, laundry and such. I reminded her that she did those things when she was living here without me even asking. I told her that I think her issue is with her mom's approach and communicating of the "chores" and not feeling appreciated for the work that she does do around the house.

I called her on my way home from work since it was before 8:00 and she'd have to get off then to wake up her mom (apparently). I talked to her a little bit about the text and she did seem to agree that it is more the way that her mom "talks" to her that bothers her more than the actual stuff she expects her to do. Once again, she isn't going to be able to change her mom and, even though it is incredibly difficult, she has to try and let the "unkindness" roll off her.

She told me about a speaker she attended after school and that she got another 100% on an English reading quiz (they are reading F@hrenheit 451 :) ) She said she thought her Geometry quiz yesterday went pretty well and she thinks she figured out a topic for her persuasive speech (why you should watch football ;) )

Then, she shared what her friends were doing this weekend. They are staying the night at one girls house tomorrow night so they can all go to her track meet on Saturday. I'm not sure if she talked to her mom about it via text or what, but apparently her mom's response was "WTH I don't know who that is". The teen has never really gotten to go out with friends on the weekends. When she lived with me, that's usually when there were visits (or I was working). She doesn't have a car or a license, so she can't go anywhere without arranging things in advance and she doesn't live by any of her friends.

She was obviously upset about this response since it didn't sound like her mom would do anything like call her friend's mom or try to get any information about who would be there and what the "actual" plans were. I told her about a high school friend who wasn't allowed to stay the night anywhere and I can't really judge her mom for saying "no" to a sleepover since she does seem to have issues with trusting people. I told her to ask her mom if she could go tomorrow night but then stay the night here instead of there and/or see if I can bring her to the track meet on Saturday so she can hang out with her friends there. I said her mom could call me, but I haven't heard from either of them and I'm about to go to bed.

I wish her mom knew what an amazing daughter she has. It makes me cry that she can't see it. Her daughter is loyal. She is a terrific friend. Does she know that having a daughter who doesn't drink, smoke, use drugs, sneak out, or stay out past curfew is pretty awesome? I wish she knew how hard her daughter has worked to catch up in school since she had a 1.9 GPA in the only semester of high school she had before entering care. Does she know that her daughter wants to get a business degree in college so she can start her own business? Does she know that her daughter memorizes the names of college athletes and talks about them like she knows them? Can she see her beautiful smile? Does she know her daughter likes to tell random stories and watch weird Utube videos?

I'm so blessed to know her amazing daughter...I just wish she knew her too.

Another Week Gone By

I can't believe that, once again, it has been a week since I have been able to post here. I have been crazy busy!

If you haven't seen any of my tweets or updates on fb, my new nephew has been having a rough time. He has spent over half his life in the hospital and probably 75% of his life under phototherapy lights to try to bring down his bilirubin (I think he had two types of jaundice--early and then late/breast milk jaundice). This past Sunday, he was admitted to a local NICU after having a fever of 101 at home (102 in the ER). Since he is so young, they have to rule out all types of infections, so he had a spinal tap, blood cultures, and a urine culture taken by a catheter. I believe he has been stuck with a needle every day since he's been born...poor little guy. For my sister and brother-in-law who are highly anxious people, they are handling this all remarkably well. After a little encouragement from my mom, I went to the ER on Sunday even though I had a really crappy and long day at work and had to go back on Monday for another crappy long day. I'm glad I went, though, so I could reassure them that the nurses and doctors were doing everything they should be doing (and he does, in fact, have really bad veins which is why it took multiple attempts to get an IV and his labs drawn). I went and visited yesterday since I was off and today I watched my other nephew during his nap so my mom could go get her hair done. Hopefully he will get out of the hospital tomorrow and they can get some sort of a routine. My poor sister has been "sleeping" in a recliner all week.

I worked an extra shift last week and was scheduled to work an extra one today, but luckily didn't have to. We have been crazy busy and my "best" (maybe only) work friend put in her notice yesterday. Another nurse put in her notice last week and rumor has it there are probably at least two more. So, I think it's probably good that I don't have a new foster placement right now. From the sounds of it, we will be working extra shifts for a while (some mandatory, some voluntary). I guess that's one way to help pay for my vacations :)

I did have Saturday off which was really nice. I picked up the girls a little after 1:00 and we went to my sister's so they could see the baby (he actually wasn't under the lights that day, so the little one kind of held him). The girls and I went with my mom and first nephew to the park. The little one was her usual stand-offish self for a while and then decided that playing with my nephew was ok, especially now that he can talk a lot (he turned one her first month living with me!)

After the park, we went Downtown to feed the ducks...I have no idea how many times we have done that, but it's really fun! This time it was challenging because it was really windy and the bread kept flying back at us, but it makes for a fun memory.

I got us Chinese for dinner before we went to a musical at the children's theater. My friend's daughter came with us. I have a membership, so we have gotten to go to a lot of shows in the nearly two years that I have known the girls. I think they will be even more fun as the little one gets older and understands more. She had just turned three when we went to our first one and now she is 4 1/2. Hopefully it continues to work that her mom lets them come with me to the shows.

I got stopped for speeding after I dropped off the girls and my friend's daughter. That was my first time ever and I'm feeling lucky I got away with a written warning. It was St. Patrick's Day, so maybe he was just making sure I hadn't been drinking. I was right by my friend's house and I don't go to that area of town very often. Apparently, the main street near her house has a speed limit of 35 which seems crazy. I was going 46...oops.

The teen missed her bus(es) on Monday since she was talking to a teacher. So, she ended up at my house for the night. Then, she decided to stay again last night. There weren't any tears this week, so maybe the extra time with me is helping (she spend three nights here last week plus we were together all day on Saturday). She agreed to therapy if she could go back to her previous therapist. I told her she may have to do all the scheduling and communication on her own and just get her mom to give consent. (I said she may have to do the same for her dentist, eye doctor, regular doctor since her mom hasn't taken the kids to any appointments since they've been home.) She contacted the therapist today and I'm so proud of her. I'm hoping that the therapist can help her communicate with her mom. I don't feel like I'm in a position to help with that since I'm "technically" on her mom's "side"...and yet I know it isn't easy to communicate with her mom. She filled out a couple job applications because I said maybe her mom will let her stay at her current school if she offers to pay for it. She has admitted that her grades slipped in part due to her extra socializing during classes and told me she is doing better with that.

The teachers had a staff meeting this morning, so she didn't start class until 9:00. Since I didn't have to work, we went out to breakfast. She and I ordered the same thing--French toast, scrambled eggs, and hash browns and she got sausage, I got bacon. Last night, she was brainstorming for a topic for her persuasive speech that's next week. I gave her a couple of ideas that she had already thought of. I love that I know her so well and that we really are alike in a lot of ways. I think I actually said something to the effect of "you really ARE my daughter" (or a lot like me) during breakfast this morning and all I got was a smile...and another comment from me saying that is "supposed" to be a good thing ;)

It was weird not having her here tonight even though it isn't like she's been here every night. Maybe it is because I didn't have any evening plans or shows to watch and wasn't busy at work all day. I managed to get a few things done (including writing a blog post-yay!) I don't know when she'll be back. During breakfast, I asked if she wanted to make some kind of schedule or if she liked this "randomness". She said she liked the "random" and she has a copy of my schedule to help her  planning. I just told her to keep me posted on her plans and make sure her mom is on board with them.

So, that's what's been going on this week. Hopefully I'll have time to write before another week goes by!

Good night.

What a Week

I haven't written here in a week since it has been so busy! I don't have a lot of time right now, so this will likely be a boring post for anyone else and mostly just so I have a "record" of what's been going on.

Last Thursday, I wrote that Ginger and her husband were driving here to take newborn photos of my new nephew who was born on Wednesday.

I worked on Friday, but they didn't arrive until I was already off, so that was nice. All of us were tired, so we didn't stay up very late and had a busy day planned for Saturday.

Saturday morning/afternoon, Ginger took hundreds of photos of my nephew(s) Here is a "sneak peek" photo I took off of fb :)

It was a ton of fun to watch her "work her magic"...she is amazing and obviously loves what she does. It didn't work out for her to meet the girls and photograph them, but she did do a session with my sister's nephew as well while she was here.

Saturday night was the fundraiser at my church. I went with my parents. My mom was late because my new nephew had to go into the hospital with elevated bilirubin and ended up spending Saturday night and Sunday night in the hospital. He came home on Monday, but had to go back under the lights at home from Tuesday until today (hopefully he's done today!)

I visited with Ginger for a little while after the fundraiser, but since I had to work on Sunday and they were leaving early in the morning to drive back home (and it was "spring forward"), we couldn't talk for too long. It was a whirlwind trip, but my sister is so excited about the photos and I'm so blessed to have such a great friend (see mom, blogs/the Internet are not all bad!)

Monday I ended up being off because someone needed to switch. I was really thankful for that because I was quite tired from the springing forward business! However, I didn't get to sleep in because I got a text from the girls' mom that the teen missed the bus. So, I brought her to school and later picked her up after school and she spent the night. She does usually cry at least one of the days she comes over about what's going on at home, but Monday was even worse than usual. She was honest about her feelings of despair/apathy. She told me she didn't care about anything anymore and thought about leaving her house and never going back. She said that she didn't care if she ran away and something happened to her (I cried at that one and reminded her how many people love her). It was so hard to hear her say that she was giving up on her goals/dreams, but I did my best to encourage her and support her (and gave her lots of hugs!) I have prayed a lot for God to guide my words and definitely feel His presence in these times when I feel at a loss for words (and also pray for Him to help me be okay with the silence because she only talked for so long and then shut down and just cried...silence is hard for me).

Tuesday, I worked, but got a text message from her in the afternoon to see if she could come and stay the night again. I said as long as it was okay with her mom, which it was. Tuesday night, she didn't want to talk about anything and was actually really irritating me with the things she WAS saying/how she was acting. (I did actually tell her she was annoying me, but she didn't seem to care.)

She did go home yesterday after school and I worked. I talked to her mom last night for about 40 minutes. Her mom disclosed to me that she has been dating someone for two years but she has only told a few people in her family that she now likes women. I have no clue why she decided to tell me these things and seriously, two years ago she should have been trying to get her kids back, not starting a new relationship in my opinion. She did act like she was listening to me when I talked to her about the teen going to her same school next year (one of the teen's stressors is having to switch schools which her mom is threatening and may actually be the case) as well as the teen getting some counseling. She thought counseling was a good idea...we shall see what she does with that. I talked to the little one on the phone and she kept saying "I love you" and "I miss you" and then she started crying and had to give her mom the phone back...that was really sad.

While I was talking to her mom, the teen texted me that her mom was lying about everything and she was ready to tell me everything today and stop lying for her mom, so we shall see...I'm picking her up after school in a little bit. Today, I met with my "spiritual director" and then went and visited my sister and nephews. Tonight, the teen is coming with me to a training at my agency to do volunteer day care for the required school service hours. Then, she's spending the night (I work again tomorrow).

So, that's what's been going on. It's been busy and emotional and stressful, but lots of good stuff too (Choose Joy) :)

I Keep Pinching Myself

This is going to be brief because I need to work tomorrow and it's already past my bed time. Plus, I'm thinking I won't be getting much sleep the next two nights because...

My friend Ginger is driving nearly 1000 miles to come see me (and photograph my new nephew...she is an amazing photographer and my sister is SO excited!) Yes, the same Ginger that I met through this here blog. My first "blog friend turned real life friend" that I met "in real life". She came and visited when my first nephew was about 4 1/2 months old and those photos of him are my sister's favorites. I went and visited her and her family when her baby was 6 weeks old. Two days after that trip was when the girls came to live here...and the next 16 months were crazy (as have the five months since then, actually!)

I'm hoping my sister and I will be able to get her enough other business while she's here to pay for the gas to get here and home :) It's going to be a whirlwind couple of days, but I am SO excited!

And, Ginger's friend Kristy, the one whose blog I read that led me to her could use some financial help. She and her husband were preparing to become foster parents when they received news about a baby all the way across the country whose mom was considering adoption for her son. After her son was born, she decided she wanted Kristy and her husband to raise him. You can read her version of the story here and find out about fundraisers/a giveaway here. They need to raise enough money for adoption before he is placed in a foster home in his home State and would appreciate any help they can get. :)

Wordless Wednesday

Weekend Away

Saturday was a couple of family gatherings on my mom's side of the family. It was a wedding shower for one cousin and a wedding reception for another cousin who had a destination wedding in November. They were held in a small town a two hour drive from where I live. Recall, my mom gave me permission to skip the family gatherings if my sister had the baby. But, no baby, so I rode along with an aunt, uncle, and cousin and represented my immediate family who all stayed home.

It was really nice to get away. I got to have a lot of one-on-one conversations with different members of my extended family that I haven't seen in a while. The shower was a small gathering of just girls (there were 10 granddaughters on my mom's side of the family before there were any grandsons [then 7 of the next 11 are boys and now 3 of the 4 great-grandkids are boys!]) and one of my aunts had an idea to go around the table and say something about ourselves and what was going on in our lives. It was really nice!

The reception was also pretty laid back and ended up being a good place to "visit" too (perfect for me...I'm a "talker"...ha!) My cousin's new mother-in-law told me she thinks our family is great (and my grandparents are really cute...which they are!) I try really hard not to take my family for granted, but it is always nice to be reminded how blessed I am. 

The oldest grandchild & the youngest great-grandchild

(until my nephew is born!)

Some of the boys...they went to a rec center during the shower ;)

The bride and me 

The three of them are sisters--the one next to me is getting

married in April and the shower was for her.

"Cousin picture" (minus a few!)

After the reception, a few of a us went to a local bar

called "Swizzlesticks" (or something). My cousin's

husband asked what their special shot was...apparently,

it's called a "Duck fart" ;) 

So, he bought me one...I am not accustomed to doing

"silly face" photos & am not very good at them (obviously) ;) 

It was yummy (even though I spilled half of it trying

to fit the whole thing in my mouth at once...ha!)

My aunt and uncle let me crash in their hotel room (with my high school cousin). Unfortunately, they are snorers, so I didn't get much sleep and ended up sleeping pretty much all day yesterday (I definitely counted my blessings that I can sleep pretty much whenever I want :) )

Last night, I went to my best friend from high school's house for my God-son's 3rd birthday party. I visited with her, her husband, and one of their friends for a long time when it was over. It was really nice to catch up. She has been dealing with a lot of family stuff and it was nice to forget about some of my "drama" for a while!

Today I went to lunch and the zoo with another friend. It was nice to catch up with her too. They are trying to get their foster son moved to an adoptive home, but haven't been able to find one yet. They adopted their other two kids from foster care who have some "extra needs" and her husband is done with dealing with the behavior issues of their foster son (my friend is kind of sad, but hoping she will be able to maintain contact with him).

I didn't get a chance to call the girls' mom until later this evening, so had to leave a message. I think the teen would like to come over after school if it works out. I have some things I'd like to talk to her about and think it will be good to continue to check in with her and see where she is. You can only learn so much about thoughts/feelings from texting (especially with a teenager!) She said she (her whole family?) stayed with her great-grandma this weekend and I think she liked that.

My sister is being induced on Wednesday if she doesn't have the baby tomorrow. I think I convinced her to let my nephew stay here tomorrow night rather than me staying at her house. I have a luncheon I want to attend on Wednesday that my mom was/is trying to convince me to skip, but hopefully my dad can convince her/my sister that he is fully capable of watching my nephew for 3 hours while I'm gone (yes it is annoying that we have to convince them...I also tried to remind them that my brother-in-law has parents too and I shouldn't be the only one they "trust" to watch him...seriously!)

So, that's what's been going on here...it was definitely nice to have a weekend away :)

Good night.

This Roller Coaster

I'm "pretty sure" I've been doing too much talking about all the drama that has been going on with the teen and her mom. I'm a "talker" though and that's how I tend to work through things. Unfortunately, the advice I am getting is VERY mixed which only adds to the ups and downs, so maybe I should stop talking about it!

As much as I wanted to swoop in and "rescue" her after hearing her side of the story last week, I have continued to think about what really is "best". I'm not really sure what "best" is though.

My heart was still breaking this week when she was able to spend two nights here. I just don't really know what to tell her...or really know if I should even give her "advice". I haven't said anything to her about her "options" other than asking if she has thought about it/talked to anyone. I think that the least "disruptive" plan would be for her to do what she can to get along with her mom so her mom will continue to allow her to see/talk to me and get the love/support she is seeking. The other thing I can think of that is probably less likely to work would be for her mom to voluntarily hand over guardianship to me. Not in an "I don't want to live here"/"I don't want you to live here either" blown up argument, but a multiple calm conversation plan that would give me the "stressful" part of parenting a teenager and she could still see/do things with her family. I don't really think that would happen unless they were willing to go to therapy or have some sort of mediated conversation where both of them would have opportunities to talk about their relationship and how this could maybe help them (absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of thing...maybe?!) Too bad "no one" thought they needed family therapy a year ago...they never worked through anything, so it isn't exactly a surprise that they are having problems communicating now.

The teen forgot her bus money at home this morning, so when we were texting after school, she asked me to give her a ride home. She talked to her mom about it and then her mom called me. Her mom was super random and wishy washy on the phone regarding her expectations of when the teen should be home and how long she could stay at my house, etc. So, I had the teen text her when I picked her up and she didn't understand why the teen was asking if she could eat dinner here. Then, it took her forever to respond if we could watch a movie or if she needed to be home before then...and then called 15 minutes into our OnDemand movie I paid for to find out when she'd be home (she did stay and watch the whole thing and we ate dinner together for the third time this week...I love it!)

Last night, I talked to her mom and she told me that the teen got "attitude" with her, so she wasn't sure about letting her come here. I wanted to tell her that I am not the cause of the teen having an "attitude", and that the last thing I told the teen was to be nice to her mom/keep the peace, but I just listened and said I'm sorry she was like that. So, I asked the teen today what that was all about since we HAD talked about her maybe trying harder with her mom. She said that she was upset because her mom told her brothers and sister that she "left"/moved to California during those two days/nights she was with me this week. I'm sorry, but that is not at all funny, or nice. However, it makes it even more clear that if the teen did something "drastic" to make it so she no longer lives with her mom, her mom would NOT make her life very easy.

It is such a sticky situation and I'm stuck right smack dab in the middle...playing both sides and it is kind of exhausting! However, I love her and want to help her in what ever way I can, so I'll keep taking my naps when I feel like it even though my house is a mess ;)

Anyone have any advice on how much I should be telling the teen? I'm trying to keep my personal feelings out of it while being empathetic and honest about the fact that I may love her too much to be completely unbiased.

This roller coaster may not be the most fun I've had, but I'm VERY thankful for all the time we got to have together this week (I told her that we were "making up for lost time" :) ).

Good night