As much as I wanted to swoop in and "rescue" her after hearing her side of the story last week, I have continued to think about what really is "best". I'm not really sure what "best" is though.
My heart was still breaking this week when she was able to spend two nights here. I just don't really know what to tell her...or really know if I should even give her "advice". I haven't said anything to her about her "options" other than asking if she has thought about it/talked to anyone. I think that the least "disruptive" plan would be for her to do what she can to get along with her mom so her mom will continue to allow her to see/talk to me and get the love/support she is seeking. The other thing I can think of that is probably less likely to work would be for her mom to voluntarily hand over guardianship to me. Not in an "I don't want to live here"/"I don't want you to live here either" blown up argument, but a multiple calm conversation plan that would give me the "stressful" part of parenting a teenager and she could still see/do things with her family. I don't really think that would happen unless they were willing to go to therapy or have some sort of mediated conversation where both of them would have opportunities to talk about their relationship and how this could maybe help them (absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of thing...maybe?!) Too bad "no one" thought they needed family therapy a year ago...they never worked through anything, so it isn't exactly a surprise that they are having problems communicating now.
The teen forgot her bus money at home this morning, so when we were texting after school, she asked me to give her a ride home. She talked to her mom about it and then her mom called me. Her mom was super random and wishy washy on the phone regarding her expectations of when the teen should be home and how long she could stay at my house, etc. So, I had the teen text her when I picked her up and she didn't understand why the teen was asking if she could eat dinner here. Then, it took her forever to respond if we could watch a movie or if she needed to be home before then...and then called 15 minutes into our OnDemand movie I paid for to find out when she'd be home (she did stay and watch the whole thing and we ate dinner together for the third time this week...I love it!)
Last night, I talked to her mom and she told me that the teen got "attitude" with her, so she wasn't sure about letting her come here. I wanted to tell her that I am not the cause of the teen having an "attitude", and that the last thing I told the teen was to be nice to her mom/keep the peace, but I just listened and said I'm sorry she was like that. So, I asked the teen today what that was all about since we HAD talked about her maybe trying harder with her mom. She said that she was upset because her mom told her brothers and sister that she "left"/moved to California during those two days/nights she was with me this week. I'm sorry, but that is not at all funny, or nice. However, it makes it even more clear that if the teen did something "drastic" to make it so she no longer lives with her mom, her mom would NOT make her life very easy.
It is such a sticky situation and I'm stuck right smack dab in the middle...playing both sides and it is kind of exhausting! However, I love her and want to help her in what ever way I can, so I'll keep taking my naps when I feel like it even though my house is a mess ;)
Anyone have any advice on how much I should be telling the teen? I'm trying to keep my personal feelings out of it while being empathetic and honest about the fact that I may love her too much to be completely unbiased.
This roller coaster may not be the most fun I've had, but I'm VERY thankful for all the time we got to have together this week (I told her that we were "making up for lost time" :) ).
Good night
3 comments:
You make me smile... you're feeling the way a mother would feel, except your trying so hard to separate things (your feelings etc)
I wonder... if the teen has a good relationship with her brothers/sisters. She could focus on building that with them... building that foundation of trust... so that whatever the Mom says, they know the teen so well that they can make their own decisions on what they believe or not believe. I don't know if thats possible.
Also, when the teen is staying at your house, it might help if she called her brothers and sisters to say goodnight I love you I'll see you tomorrow or whatever... so that they aren't thinking she "left" them, regardless of what Mom says. I'm thinking in terms of action speaks louder than words. SO the fact that she calls her brothers and sisters will SHOW she loves them. ???
I agree with Furry Bottoms about th ephone calls home to say goodnight, etc.!;) Do you have someone through the Foster Care Agency that could be giving you legal/practical advice about these issues? Maybe you/the teen should also be documenting some of these "bigger" things...like the lie to her brothrs/sisters and keeping copies of text messages, etc. If and when the time comes for someone else to get guardianship or her emacipation, specific instances where there is any type of abuse (I think this is emotional abuse...at the least) may be helpful. Praying for you all!♥
Becky,
Thank you very much for your prayers, support, and advice. The only "problem" with the phone call is that she would have to call her mom's cell to talk to her siblings. Which, I guess isn't all bad since I'm trying to encourage her to communicate with her mom more.
I have been given "advice" from everywhere since I've been talking about it so much and it's hard to get past the fact that so many people told me they "hated" their mom when they were a teenager. So, it's difficult to know how much of this is "teenager" and how much of it is bigger than that. I do have a car and a house and a job so I can pay for things I want/need, but are those things alone enough to want to leave her mom who doesn't have those things? Or, is it bigger than the "things" and she really does want structure and the love and support that she truly is not getting at home?
It's really sticky, that's for sure. I think I will email the lawyer who was assigned to the kids on the case just to get her take on things. I need to know the "options" even if I'm not going to offer "advice".
Thanks again for your prayers.
Take care,
Amanda
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