Feeling Blah

I went to bed early and slept in late, but today was just kind of "blah". I did make it to Curves this morning (the owner hit a deer at 5:30 in the morning on the way to work, so her day didn't start off that hot either), but the rest of the day was just "there". Well, I did go bet horses with my dad tonight for the first time in a long time which is always fun (especially since we won money today!), but I do just feel "off".

I had the heating people come to do a furnace check before winter hits. This year I actually bought a service plan so they will check the furnace and the a/c. While he was working, I mentioned that I only have "return" vents installed in my house, so he checked it out and then went back to look at the ducts. He called his boss to come over and look at things. Well, come to find out, the ducts are all installed improperly and so hardly any heat was getting upstairs (I have a raised ranch). Basically, the only heat I get comes from it "rising" from the basement aside from a little bit that comes out of the kitchen and a tiny bit into the other rooms. My furnace was running nearly 200 degrees and barely heating anything (the one they installed is also 3 times more "power" than one needed for a house my size, so I'm lucky it didn't overheat!) They are coming tomorrow to cut some holes in the duct work to create a way for air flow to come upstairs. However, it will cost over $3000 to make it so the air flows properly into all the rooms upstairs, maybe more depending on if it ruins floors, drywall etc. I suppose that information is enough to make feeling "blah" understandable...it's sickening, actually. My aunt called me tonight with the name of someone who can give a second opinion, but I really trust the people who came today and everything they said made sense. They said it didn't need to be fixed immediately and had me remove all the covers from the baseboard vents, but they are going to have to look at that tomorrow too because most of them just have holes to no where (good thing for no pets and no kids when there are large holes in the floor!)

This afternoon, I went to a meeting at work. I'm on this big committee with lots of nurses, nurse managers and directors. Today the chief nursing officer was there talking to us. I do often participate in discussions and feel even more comfortable around the people there than those on my own floor in terms of voicing my opinion about things. Well, that was a disadvantage for me today because I made a comment (one that I don't even want to document here) that prefaced an actual good statement/opinion and I feel terrible. That was over six hours ago and I still feel sick to my stomach about it. I did email the person who ran the meeting to apologize and give her permission to apologize to anyone I offended...yeah, it was very much open mouth, insert foot, and I'm thankful we won't meet again for a while so maybe it will be forgotten...ugh!

Tomorrow is the teen's 17th birthday. I've sent her a couple of emails/messages asking if she wants to do lunch (or dinner) and also have asked her a few times about her interest in attending a hockey game on Sunday. Her last response to me was from this morning saying that she was planning to go to a movie with friends but that she would talk to her mom about dinner or coming earlier and she'd let me know tonight. I like going through her rather than her mom because it is "easier" and also because I think it should be her choice whether she "hangs out" with me or not, not her mom's. However, I'm not so sure about their communication there (hello, earth to Amanda, did you forget about the communication issue you dealt with for 16 months?! Yeah, brain fart...) So, tonight when I never heard back from the teen, I was thinking that MAYBE I should have gone straight to her/their mom to find out what their plans are for this weekend and go from there. I do need to check in with her at some point since it would be nice to see how they are doing after the loss of their family member (I know obituaries are expensive, but I never saw any mention of services in the paper which is a little odd considering their mom likes to tell me about all her wealthy relatives...) Anyway, I hung up new pictures on Sunday and have found myself missing the little one a lot more. I can't really go through the teen to get time with the little one, so eventually will need to get myself into a "calm" place with a lot of time and call her. With all of the "cancer crap" that's been going around, I haven't been emotionally in a good place and have been protecting myself from being drained any further, but it's probably time to "check in".

Well, they are coming at 8:00 to work on my "ducts", so there will be no sleeping in tomorrow! Time for bed. :) Good night.

Cancer Central

I've been a pediatric nurse for over 9 1/2 years. The past 8 years I have worked on a pediatric unit that works with a lot (maybe even "mostly") of solid organ and GI patients. I'm not sure if it is a rise in oncology patients or the fact that our oncology unit (pediatric and adult as well as all bone marrow transplants) is under construction, but our unit seems to be cancer central and it really hasn't been that much fun.

There have been two leukemia diagnoses in the past two weeks. Last week, a teen who was diagnosed earlier this year died. Today, the cancer patient who also has a pretty poor prognosis and had quite the crush on said deceased patient found out today-on facebook-that he died. Yeah, that was fun...she asked me early in the afternoon if I was his nurse and then was there when she had pulled up his facebook page.

Not only did I had her, but I had the two-year-old whose mom's world came crashing down less than a week ago when she brought him for a "well child" visit. She has every right to be anxious and completely beside herself, but it made for a pretty stressful day.

And, as the "icing on the cake", my admission was another teen who was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year. Yeah, she had a CT scan today that was horrible. I definitely was in the room when the doctor told her she was going to die...and she probably should move up her make a wish that is scheduled for early December. Yeah, that was totally not an enjoyable conversation to hear. However, he said it was better than sugar coating it and let her know that making her comfortable was top priority. Definitely makes me ill just thinking about it.

Add all these things and then my friend (who's my age) getting diagnosed with endometrial cancer a week ago...yeah, that still has me freaked out, but I'm seeing my own doctor in a week, so that's a good thing.

It isn't even 10:00, but I am completely exhausted from today...the emotions along with all of the regular nursing cares (and my three patients were BUSY...happy Monday!) has left me pretty "spent". I'm thankful that I have the next two days off to recuperate.

Good night.

1000 Posts

I wrote my first blog post here on May 22, 2007--almost exactly 4 1/2 years ago. This post is #1000! I can hardly believe it, considering I had no idea what I was going to do with a "blog" when I started it. I started a "blog" because I read lots of blogs and figured it wasn't exactly "fair" to lurk around other people's blogs without giving them an opportunity to learn about me (if they wanted to!) I still do more "lurking" than I maybe should, but my blog is accessible if anyone wants to read what I post ;) 

I have written about LOTS of different things here and have met LOTS of really cool people in this "blogging world". My blog remains a pretty quiet place and I am okay with that (and very thankful that I don't have to deal with the "drama" that can come with "big" blogs, including hurtful/judgmental comments). I do, however, appreciate all those people who HAVE stuck it out with me over the years (especially since I break lots of "blog rules" including writing incredibly long posts...I planned on this one just being a bunch of pictures...see how well that worked?!)

Anyway, I didn't know what to write about for my 1000th post, but tried not to stress out about it. Maybe I should have asked for recommendations or something, but I don't think I should start "fishing" for comments...it's been nearly a month since I had ANY comments here and that doesn't upset me at all.

So, I decided to utilize the PhotoBooth function on my computer and take a few snap shots of myself to celebrate my 1000th post. I'm not exactly photogenic and mostly think I look stupid when I try to make silly faces, but I just "went with it", so here you go.

Oops, guess I should have written that backwards ;)

ONE

ZERO

ZERO

ZERO!

THANK YOU FOR VISITING!!

Grateful for Grace

I finally think I have the time and energy to write about the "Day of Gratitude" I had on Tuesday. This was the fifth year I attended the Thanksgiving retreat there at this center. I have not been disappointed and it always comes at the perfect time. If you are "bored" and want to read the posts I wrote from the other years, here are the links: 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010. I re-read them (well, skimmed) and found them to be rather (or maybe "somewhat") insightful, if I do say so myself. I do enjoy looking back at where I have been. I thought it interesting that in 2009, I wrote about being thankful for being "who I am" since I started seeing my therapist shortly before that day and being thankful for "who I am" is an ongoing discussion/process. Last year's post has a neat story about being "thankful for thorns" which was good for reflection.

This year's retreat was the first one that wasn't a "women's retreat". It was led by a Jesuit priest who has a PhD and it was a lot more theological/philosophical than in years past and I'm sure I spent some of the day looking like a deer in the headlights, but it was still a good day. There were only seven of us besides the facilitator, so it was an "intimate" group. We also were a relatively diverse group so were able to share different perspectives and reasons to be thankful. Since I am writing this to remember, here are the "players" so to speak:
1. Woman in her 40s (not wearing a ring) whose 20-year-old son passed away a couple years ago. She recently left her job of seven years to "find herself" and now works in housekeeping at the retreat center.
2. Retired Colomban priest who did much of his missionary work in Korea, now is "retired" and learning to live in this community.
3. 75-year-old retired nurse who is now a "master gardener". Has kids and grand-kids (and goes to my church).
4. 40ish woman, married with four kids. Husband is a stay-at-home dad and last year she left her "high power" job for something less stressful that allows her more time with her family and is looking to go back to school.
5. Retired Colomban priest who just celebrated 50 years of priesthood. He did missionary work all over the world, including Fiji. He moved to my city last week and hadn't lived here since the 1950s or 60s.
6. Woman in her 40s who was married for 10 years before her husband left/divorced her. In the 10 years since, she moved from one high-power job to another before coming to work in marketing at the retreat center earlier this year.
7. You already know me :) 32, single, pediatric nurse, foster parent, aunt...

The thing I liked about the "set-up" this year is that there was a presentation portion followed by a 30-40 minute "alone" time and then time to share. One of the years it was really structured which worked too, but I think it is good to have reflection time set aside at a "retreat".

The first part, he talked about St. Ignatius and printed a couple of pages from a book about him. He highlighted St. Ignatius' "Suscipe"-- "Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and all my will--all that I have an possess. You, Lord, have given all that to me. I now give it back to you, O Lord. All of it is yours. Dispose of it according to your will. Give me love of yourself along with your grace, for that is enough for me."

I had a little bit of a hard time taking notes during the day because he talked kind of fast and some of it I didn't quite "get", but I did listen :) After this part, he had us reflect on something that God has given us that we appreciated more than anything else right now. His reflection said something about his "vocation being confirmed by relationship" and that really spoke to me. So, I reflected on my relationship with the teen. A year ago, our relationship was so much different than it is today. There were definitely struggles as I tried to figure out how to reach her, how to help her, how to earn her trust, etc. The retreat came just after she "willingly" spent nine days here with me and I can tell that our time together made a tremendous difference and I know that I "reached" her. So, my "vocation" to be a foster parent was definitely confirmed by that relationship.

I cried the most during that reflection time because it is overwhelming to know how much of a difference I was able to make, mostly by just being "me" and using the gifts that God has given me. Also, the word "vocation" really stood out to me because I definitely feel like I am doing what God has called me to do and it is a struggle when it isn't seen as "normal" by societal standards. I wrote in my journal that when he said his "vocation was confirmed by his relationship", it spoke volumes to me about really being aligned with God's plan and being able to appreciate that calling rather that feeling some sort of "shame"for acting outside of the "norm" and instead embracing the gift.

The second part was about grace and the scriptural model versus the Western/secular/capitalistic model. I really had a hard time being able to write notes, but it did make sense while I was there...well, kind of! Basically, I think the point is that the "common" view is that God rewards us with grace according to our good deeds and God, grace, and self are all separate while the scriptural model is that grace/the Holy Spirit is within meaning that God is present in the slightest moments, in every moment of every day. All gifts come from God, without God you can do nothing. He talked about the vine and the branches and how they cannot be separated and survive.

During this reflection time, we were to read part of this book the facilitator wrote, but I chose just to do my own reflection. I carefully got into a hammock and immediately thought of my "one word" for this year which was "trust" because I'm not always so graceful and am kind of surprised (pleasantly) that I didn't flip right out of the hammock! During this time, I thought about all the people God has placed in my life who DO have this view that God is present every day, in every moment, even when things are tough. In the sharing portion, I talked about Sara and her "Choose Joy" mentality that has trickled down into everyone who has been blessed to know her. I also shared about feeling God's presence during the time I was "mom" to the little one and the teen, particularly how the weeks/months of waiting this summer not knowing when they were going home allowed us just to enjoy each other's presence for how ever long we had. That time gave us the opportunity to flourish our relationship and establish more trust. As I sat in the hammock, I could feel the warm sun on my left cheek and the cool breeze on my right. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and it was just a beautiful day...one that I likely could have missed with all my running from here to there and everywhere on any other day.

After lunch, I went and walked the labyrinth. I think it is amazing that this is the fifth time I walked it and each time there is a different experience. Again, Sara is not far from my thoughts, especially when I breathe in the fresh air remembering that I ought not take this for granted. How "choosing joy" can change your perspective. The day before the retreat, I raked my leaves and chose to see the filled bags and "clean" yard as a sense of accomplishment, witnessing the fruits of my labor, rather than dwelling on the fact that many more leaves would be falling and need to be raked too. As I walked, I thought about having a gift of "openness"--being open to sharing my thoughts, open to listening to, open to God's will (my "one word"-trust), open to hearing Him, open to suggestions/advice, open to trying new things, and open to people whose idea/opinions differ from mine.

During the third part, he talked about the booklet that I didn't read, but had us reflect on a normal day and how/where we saw God's presence. During my reflection time, I was reminded of a quote from St. Francis of Assisi that says "Preach the Gospel at all times...when necessary use words." While I am more "extraverted" than I used to be, I still remain somewhat of a quiet observer in order to learn what I can about people, their stories, their experiences, in order to better serve them, others in the future, and myself. During the sharing time, someone reflected that they find God in the laughter she hears throughout the day. Another person spoke of taking time each day to be quiet with God.

In the fourth part, he asked if we saw nature as a powerful symbol of God as creator. I admitted that I haven't always been one to appreciate nature, but am getting better at not taking it's beauty for granted. In conclusion, we are to recognize our gifts and know that all gifts come from God, we are to be ready to share our gifts, and trust our inner self as action of the Spirit (at least this is what I can gather from the brief notes I wrote under "conclusions"...ha!) We ended with the Veni, Sancte, Spiritus which I would type here, but it is long and this is already very long! He gave us a handout called "Rummaging for God: Praying Backward Through Your Day" that I haven't looked at yet (I just re-found it!), but sounds like an interesting read.

So, it was a much different experience than the other four "gratitude" retreats I have attended, but I think that's a good thing. It definitely stretched my thinking, even if at times it made me feel like I was in school (it's okay to make my brain work differently, right?!) It was definitely a good reminder to continue to appreciate the little things since God is present in the slightest moments...and all gifts come from Him. WE are the Body of Christ and are to be God's Temple, His Dwelling Place.

I have so much to be grateful for, including the fact that I was able to get a day off to attend a retreat :) And, now I have next year's retreat to look forward to, and another retreat to look back on :)

Good night.

Flashback Friday-Friendship

This week, I've been thinking a lot about "friends" and "friendship". I've found myself "tweeting" the word "friend" quite often these days and it reminded me of this post I wrote a couple years ago. I may have already "Flashback Friday-ed" it or reposted it at some point, but I really like the poem and the song, so here it is again. I wrote it right before meeting up with Ginger, my first "Internet friend-turned-real-life-friend" that I met in person. I am grateful for ALL of my friends and all they have taught me and continue to teach me, for loving me and shaping me into the person I am today.


Hopefully one of these days I'll have time to type out a real post, but for now, here's a little flashback.

What is a Friend?
Originally posted May 29, 2009

A friend is one of the nicest things you can have,
and one of the best things you can be.
A friend is the one who will always be beside you,
through all the laughter, and through each and every tear.
A friend is the one thing you can always rely on;
the someone you can always open up to.
A friend is a sanctuary.
A friend is a smile.
A friend is a hand that is always holding yours,
no matter where you are.
A friend is a feeling of forever in the heart.
~Collin McCarty

I have been thinking a lot about friends recently, and have been waiting for just the right moment to post this poem. I have decided to leave my lap top at home for this vacation, and am planning to set this entry to post right around the time I meet up with Ginger and Lauren.

Friends have kind of been a funny thing in my life. In elementary school, I went through a couple "best friends", but mostly I was friends with everyone (which, unfortunately, did not really translate to getting invited to the "cool parties") In high school, I was fortunate to have a couple "best friends" with whom I remain very close. (Remember, our very own "fifteen feet of fun"?!) But again, friends with everyone was kind of "my thing" and that pretty much continued through college. I am still friends with one member of "AMEALAKA" :o)

I had coffee today with a friend I have known since I baby-sat her kids who are now 14 and 18. She and I talked for over three hours and it was AWESOME! And, in total "un-randomness", I stopped by Target on the way home to pick up a couple things and ran into my friend (totally unflattering picture of us here) who was in town from a state away as her son is evaluated for a second transplant. They actually were stopping by Target on their way out of town, so it was GREAT to get to see her! Of course, I have my friend that I met on the beach when we were ten. There are friends I have met through work, through church, through school, and yes through this here blog (I was going to link to that, but you are already here!)

I have friends from coast to coast, from north to south, from small towns to big cities. I have friends with families, and friends who are single or do not yet have children. I have a few friends who have had the basically "drama-free" life that I have been privileged to experience, and many who have endured the darkest times I hardly knew existed.

There are friends who came to me in ways I never could have imagined, and those who arrived when I needed them the most. Friends who make me laugh. Friends who put life in perspective. Friends who encourage. Friends who have so much faith in God even when life has given them so many reasons to stop trusting Him. Friends who let me be who I am and are okay with that. Friends who listen. Friends who always have words of wisdom. Friends of all shapes and sizes, from all economical, family, and religious backgrounds. Friends of all different ages. (For living a pretty "sheltered" life, I do have a rather diverse group of friends and I LOVE that!)

I have lived alone long enough and gone places alone more times than I can count. However, to say that I do not have jitters going into this weekend would be a lie (and, if you have read this blog long enough, you know that I not only have troubles keeping secrets, lying is definitely not something I even attempt because it would not be successful!) I don't remember my first day of kindergarten, but I imagine this is what it may have felt like. I am SO excited and know that there will be open arms and great people waiting for me in that airport, but my hands still shake as I think about this "plan" becoming a reality in a few short hours (probably should start packing since my ride is coming in six hours!)

I will close this post on friendship with the lyrics to a song I absolutely adore. I have listened to it SO many times and it still brings tears to my eyes (not ALL the time now, but SOMETIMES!) It is from the musical Wicked.

(Elphaba):
I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda):
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda):
Because I knew you

(Both):
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda):
And because I knew you...

(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...

(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

Thank you for being my friend. I know that because of you, I have been changed for good...and am looking foward to MUCH more of that when I return from my vacation (one of these days I WILL have to return to work...ha ha!)

Taking My Time

Maybe I'll have time tomorrow to write about the retreat I attended on Tuesday. I just read the posts that I wrote about the retreat from the past four years and all of them were well thought-out, so I'd like to wait and write when I'm ready. I'm very grateful for this "blog" in times like this because I think all of those were/are worth reading again to be reminded of where I have been and how much I've learned.

While I realize that it's not my grief, my illness, I was still struggling this morning about what I wrote about last night. I know that the retreat came at the perfect time to remind me to be grateful for each day and that made it "easier", but I still had trouble catching my breath and tears filled my pillow during my "afternoon nap". I did call my Gyn to set up an exam and will talk about the new plan to manage my PCOS at that time. I talked to someone else at her office who could answer some of my questions and hopefully I will be more confident in addressing the potential "criticism" that will come with my decision to take a fairly "non-traditional" route in caring for myself and my hormone imbalances. My heart goes out to Rachel and can't begin to fathom what she has gone through this week (considering how strongly it has affected me and it ISN'T me!), but she's an awesome friend and "tweeted" me last night to "take care of you"...and so I will.

I managed to be semi-productive today even with needing to take a number of "breaks" as well as a nap. I did rake some leaves and organized a few papers. I did something really stupid--I washed a pair of sneakers that had dog poop (and leaves) on them in the washing machine along with some towels and ended up with poop and leaves stuck to the sides of the washer--so I kind of stopped trying to do any more "damage" after that and mostly "vegged".

I did talk to my mom for a while since she emailed me last night that she was off today and tomorrow. Maybe she told me some other time, but she definitely didn't "remind" me (and she also didn't tell me before she went out to lunch and shopping with my grandma and sister/nephew, but whatever...) I told her some of what was going on at work and with my "health", but didn't tell her the current treatment plan because I didn't want to deal with her criticism/questioning today...save that for when I have all of the facts in my hands.

I had an alumnae council meeting at my high school which is always fun (I love that place SO much and can hardly wait until I have another daughter to send there!) After that, I skipped choir practice so I could go play "bunco" with my best high school friend and her friends. She was hosting it, so invited me to come. I'd heard of it, but never played. It's a really easy game and is a lot of drinking and snacking and chatting, so it was a fun night. After the other girls left, she and I had a nice visit too. She has been dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression issues and trying to figure out the right doses of medication to help her. She is seeing a counselor every week too, so I'm glad she is getting the help she needs.

So, that's what went on in "my little world" today...back to work tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow will be much less depressing than yesterday :)

Good night.

One of Them Days

I know I don't have to keep "committing" to posting every day in November because I saw something on twitter about it, but I'm trying, even though I can barely keep my eyes open (and it is barely after 10:00!) Maybe tomorrow I'll have time/energy to write about the retreat because I really think it is important to have that in my "journal" to reflect on at a later date. I'm glad that I had that "thanksgiving" retreat yesterday, because days like today still happen, but I have been reminded to find thinks to be grateful for, even in the midst of trials.

Today's phrase of the day was "Cancer $ucks"...it's actually been a rough few weeks on my floor with new diagnoses, palliative care, poor prognosis, and today it brought an amazing teenager to death. Sometimes people will say that being a pediatric nurse would be "so fun"...and some days, it really is. Other people say they could "never do it"...likely because of days like today when you hear of a parent bringing her 2-year-old for a well-check up and coming out with a diagnosis of leukemia and the 17-year-old star football player diagnosed with cancer 9 months ago who died today even after fighting it with all he had.

Yep, today was just one of them days...one of those days that makes me grateful for my health and the health of my family, thankful to have been given a "gift" to be able care for these patients/families even when it's incredibly sad, grateful for the love and support of my family and friends (and co-workers), thankful for the memories we have of these children who leave this world way too soon...

Yes, being a pediatric nurse can be fun and extremely rewarding...and sometimes, it's really sad too.

Good night.

After I posted this last night, I found out that a friend was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. She's the same age as me (and single without kids) and will (likely) undergo a total hysterectomy and possibly chemo. This came as I was reminded earlier in the day that my PCOS puts me at increased risk of endometrial cancer. While I'm not as "shell shocked" as her, I'm sure, I'm still stunned and numb because I can't even imagine...and really, there isn't any reason to think "it couldn't happen to me", because it does happen to "people like me". So, I'm going to be calling the doctor's office back today and discussing what they were trying to tell me yesterday that I wasn't really wanting to hear. Please keep Rachel in your prayers as she looks at options and works through this "bombshell" that came when five days ago she just thought she had "really bad cramps"...

Wordless (Not Quite) Wednesday

Today was my "fifth annual" Thanksgiving/Gratitude retreat. It was a really good day. I'll plan to write about it tomorrow (and maybe link to the other four posts from previous years). However, I'm tired and need to go to work tomorrow, so I'll simply leave this post with images from the day (completely unedited...you know, in case you couldn't tell since I pretty much never take the time to edit pictures...it was a gorgeous autumn day).

Finally!

Today, I finally got the day off work! Yes, I know I "only" work three days a week, but my days off last week were crazy busy and I just wanted a "random" day off that I couldn't fill with meetings, appointments, etc. I did have to be "on call", but I managed to have a very productive day.

I told myself that if I got the day off, I would make sure to be in touch with my sister (it's been a long time!) I ended up texting her and asked if she was free to do my hair tonight (her birthday present to me). She couldn't since her husband had homework and a text this week, but at least I "made contact" with her.

I also am working on getting the day care fiasco figured out. Not sure if I even blogged about that, but hopefully it is being taken care of by the GAL (long story short--State is refusing to pay, agencies say they aren't responsible for paying, day care says I'm responsible if no one else will pay...it's been an annoying month of dealing with this!)

I raked leaves and that was very rewarding to be able to actually SEE the "fruits of my labor". I chose to look at the "millions" of leaves still on the trees as beauty rather than work that will need to be done at some point in the not-so-distant future.

I also put away my summer clothes, organized the little one's clothes that I kept into rubbermaids by size rather than thrown into bags, I filled two bags of my stuff for the G00dwill, dropped them off, and went shopping (I "needed" some new shoes since I donated about 8 pairs). I did go work out this morning and also visited with my agency worker about the day care thing and the teen's stay here.

Tonight, I vegged out on the couch to the point that I was unable to pull myself off for quite some time even though my left contact was causing my eye to twitch ;) I did "chat" on email messenger with the teen for about 45 minutes (she initiated the conversation and continued it until I said that I needed to go to bed :) ) I'm so thankful that she wants to share things with me and that it feels like we have a really good relationship. I know this will help both of us in the long run (and the short run, actually!)

Tomorrow I am going on a Thanksgiving/Gratitude retreat. I believe it is the fifth year in a row I have gone to one of these and I'm really looking forward to it.

But, before the retreat (that starts at 9 and is about a 45 minute drive from here), I have a work meeting from 7-8, so I'd better head to bed. It was GREAT to finally have a day off, but I'm definitely tired after spending a good deal of it working out in the great outdoors ;)

Good night.

She's Back Home

The past two days were rough and I'm still struggling...which is one of the reasons I "blog" :)

Yesterday, the teen's cousin died suddenly. Her mom frantically called me and left a message and then was able to talk to the teen. I was at work, so couldn't do as much as I would have done if I had been home, but felt like I supported her as best I could under the circumstances. She didn't really know how to get in touch with anyone else (except later she did talk to a cousin on facebook and the phone) and her mom only called that one time. The teen didn't seem to know whether she wanted to go home or stay and neither of us knew when her mom would get back into town... This "unknown" brought up emotions for me from when the girls lived here with me and things never seemed predictable.

This morning, the teen and I both slept in, but did eat breakfast together before we went to 11:00 Mass. She did talk some about her cousin and her family. She didn't get emotional about it and still didn't give me a clue either way of what her "plan" was.

When we got home from church, there was a voice mail on my answering machine from her aunt who accidentally called me instead of her brother. The message said that "everyone" was going to be at Grandma's from 2-4. She didn't know how to get in touch with her aunt (or her brother), so I guess just figured she wasn't going/wasn't "invited" (or, maybe that's just how I felt!).

I found myself telling myself to stop wishing that her mom was someone she could count on and just be thankful that she has me. I told myself to stop hoping that her mom could look past herself and see what an amazing gift she has and just be thankful that she is still allowing me to be a big part of the teen's life. I was able to look past the (possibly) poor choice of leaving town to begin with and be grateful that she  trusted me to take care of her daughter. However, it was hurtful to me that she didn't think it was important to tell her daughter when she would be back/when she would be able to go back home, especially in these circumstances.

So, neither of us knew if she'd be going home today, tomorrow, Tuesday, some time next week? I knew her mom needed to be back in time for court tomorrow, but that didn't necessarily mean she would want the teen back...I mean, maybe it "should", but it also may have been "easier" for her to stay here...and so we waited...but not really, since we continued on our day as if she was staying here "forever" :)

She had to write a children's book for her history class and she read the first half of it to me. Then, she emailed it to me. I made some suggestions and then we sent messages back and forth on Skype about it (me in the living room and her from her bedroom). I picked us up a late lunch/early dinner from our favorite Chinese restaurant and we talked about bringing our leftovers for lunch tomorrow (although I'm hoping I won't have to be "bringing" a lunch since I'm going to try again to get the day off work!) I love that we have such a great relationship now :)

Then, I get a phone call from her mom at 4:30 saying I needed to tell the teen to pack up her things because they were on their way to get her. I know it's just because I am feeling "bitter", but she said "my grandma/aunts/cousins/family" really wants to see (the teen)...she did NOT say "I missed her so much and can't wait for us all to be back at home". So, maybe that's not what she was "supposed" to say, but my "bitter self" definitely felt like it was others who influenced her decision to come get the teen right away when she got back into town and not simply because that was the "right" thing to do. They picked her up about 5:00 and I hugged her (more than once) and reminded her that I'm here for her.

Just under an hour later, my phone rings and it is her mom. She started by thanking me again for taking care of the teen (I know, I need to say good-bye to "bitter me"...working on it) and then she burst into tears. She talked to me for over 13 minutes, first crying about everything, then going into her "whiny" voice that irritates me, then went on and on with her sob story (yes, it is sad...there are some very tragic parts, but not the "commentary" she adds in for good measure in the "poor me" effect). I think I did a good job of listening while also adding in some of my "skills" reminding her that everyone grieves differently, etc. I did make a "mistake" and told her that the day care is making me pay for the week she didn't send the little one because the State is refusing to pay for a week she didn't attend. I really didn't want to involve her in that fiasco, but it came out when she was telling me that she knows she still owes me money and I was telling her it's fine, I understand (yeah, this paragraph is making me feel REALLY bad for the "bitterness" I feel) She tried to do her "I'll fix it" thing (maybe I should let her because she seems to be good at getting money for stuff...ha!) and I just told her that it "is what it is" and things will work out the way they are supposed to with that.

Overall, it was a fairly awkward 13 minutes, but when I posted it on "twitter", a friend told me that she thought it was a good sign that she trusted me enough to call me. I'm a little worried about what this family tragedy will do to her, so am thankful that she feels comfortable calling me, even if it was rather "random" considering her entire family was together and she was at home alone (calling me!) I'm not sure if she was trying to gain anything from the conversation or if I was "supposed" to offer something besides a listening ear and support? I mean, it's totally not appropriate for me to tell her that I would like her to just give me her teenager, right?! ;) So, I really offered "nothing".

And, I bawled half way through writing this, but am "ok" now. I'm sure the "aloneness" will kick in again, but I am so thankful for this time we had together...and now I really know that she will not hesitate to come stay here again (or ask for help).

Well, I've tried to get my past three shifts off and am going to try again tomorrow, but am not holding my breath. So, I'd better head to bed "just in case"...and, I'll make sure to bring my "glass 3/4 full" with a plan to try again on Wednesday ;)

Goodnight.

Showing Support

I really didn't want to go to work today because I was exhausted from the busy week. Also, I wanted to spend the day with the teen in case she went home today (no clue when she's going home...maybe tomorrow? Haven't heard from her mom about that plan yet.)

Being at work also mean that I didn't get to watch "my" football games (with the teen). I caught parts of one of them while I was running around at work and during my lunch break, but it wasn't the same.

I received a frantic voice mail from the teen's mom shortly before 11:00 this morning. She hasn't called since about that time LAST Saturday (yes, an entire week went by without her checking on us). Since I was at work, I didn't have my phone with me. As "chance" would have it, I got her voice mail only about 10 minutes after she left it. She told me in the message that they found her nephew dead this morning and she wanted to talk to the teen. I quickly got on the phone to call the teen at my house to see if her mom had called there too. She hadn't, so I told her she needed to call her mom since she was very upset and did tell her that something had happened to her cousin.

She tried to call her mom, but it went straight to voice mail. I texted her mom to call her there and also suggested the teen leave a message. I checked in with the teen a couple of times and got a text from her mom around noon that she was "taking it hard". I called her during my lunch break to make sure she was doing "ok". She said she was fine and I let her know that I'm really sorry and said "I love you". She quickly responded with an "I love you too" and I almost cried right then and there. It was really hard being at work when she was here, but I was comforted by the fact that she KNEW that I cared and was here for her.

It was a crazy afternoon at work and I got off work late. I called her shortly after 8 when I was on my way home. She still said she was doing okay, but agreed that she would have time to talk to me when I got home. I arrived home to pepperoni pizza on a plate at my place at the table (and dishes put away and the dishwasher reloaded...yes, I know I'm lucky!) She was a little quiet, but willing to answer my questions. She said she had been able to talk to a couple of cousins, but her mom only called that one time (and told her she "had" to come home, but still no word on when that is).

I asked her if she felt like she needed to go home or if she felt like she needed to stay here. Her response was "I don't know". (One of the reasons I asked this question is that her mom is super narcissistic and is likely going to be very wrapped up with taking care of all this stuff with her nephew and it may be less of a "burden" to her if she didn't have to worry about the teen too...) I let her know that she should think about what is best for her and tell me when she figures it out. (A little more background information: the cousin who died was in his early 20s and was shot last fall in a drive-by. He was in the hospital for a long time and her mom even canceled/shortened some visits because she was "taking care of her nephew". She told me that he still had some health problems from that, but she wasn't sure exactly what his cause of death was.)

She and I hung out in the living room for a little while after dinner watching TV. She was working on a project until her cousin called her. I fell asleep on the couch and now am writing this, so she very well may in bed/asleep already. I'm really sad for her (and her family) about losing her cousin so suddenly at a young age, but am thankful that if it was going to happen, I am the one who can give her support. I love that she knows the support is there and open to taking it.

Good night.

Busy Day

Busy week, actually...I have been trying to get a day off work ALL week and there is virtually no chance I'll get tomorrow off either. I'm really tired, but I have been keeping busy with fun stuff along with working (since I worked on Sunday, I technically will work 4 12-hour shifts this week even though Sunday counted for last week).

The teen and I left bright and early this morning for the 60 mile drive down the road for her leadership conference. It was about time for me to leave her on the stairs after registration to part ways and she kind of freaked out. Not like a huge freak out, but she definitely looked frightened and said "I'm not so sure about this now...I'm the only one here from my school..." I told her she would be fine, to talk to people, and learn something.

Then, I found a place in the student union to park my computer and a book (after getting a guest login to their wifi--it would have been a LONG day without that!) I had my back to the room and was facing the window, so didn't see enough people to determine whether sitting in the student union of a university made me feel "old" or "young".

My aunt lives in the city where the university is and was able to pick me up for lunch which was nice to break-up my day (the conference was scheduled to go from 8:30 until 2 or 3). I hadn't seen her for a long time and it was really nice to have a one-on-one chat. I found a different place in the union after lunch and was able to keep myself pretty entertained while I waited (thank you lap top and wifi!)

I'm not a fan of driving and it was really hard to stay awake during the drive home (I wonder if my parents took me for car rides to make me sleep when I was little because it sure does the trick now...or at least tries to!) I was going to take a nap when I got home, but had to cook dinner, then had some phone calls/texts and never got my nap.

The teen decided she wanted to go to a movie with her guy friend she met on twitter that she'd never met in person (yes, she really is my daughter!) I reminded her that I trusted her (and she assured me that her mom wouldn't kill me for letting her do this) and if she went anywhere besides the movie theater and the ice cream shop next door, she HAD to let me know.

After dinner, I dropped her off, then went to a high school football game where my Senior cousin is a cheerleader since it was the State semi-finals. My aunt (a different one, still my mom's sister though making that three sisters I had one-on-ones with during the past three weeks!) was there and I think glad that I could come. I only stayed until half-time since I had to go pick up the teen...all of this was another hour and half of driving.

So, this person who hates to drive, drove 3 1/2 hours today...add that to the working and being on the go on the couple of days I didn't work, no wonder I'm so tired!

It's been really fun having the teen here this week, even though I've ALMOST been too busy to enjoy it (but not really since it's her presence that I missed the most!) She doesn't know her mom's address, so she kept my information on the form at the university. Her aunt accidentally called my house looking for her older brother, but she didn't have the number to call her aunt back. She hasn't talked to any of her siblings this week and neither of us know when her mom is coming back/how long she is going to stay with me. I told her she can stay how ever long she wants, so we'll see :)

Well, apparently there is no chance that I'll be able to sleep in tomorrow, so I'd better head to bed.
Good night.

Hanging Out

Tomorrow, I am driving the teen to and from a Latino leadership conference at the University. She was invited to this before she went back to her mom and I have encouraged her to go (and said I'd pay for it [$15] and provide transportation). Even if she wasn't staying with me this week, I believe she was planning to "allow" me to take her. She spoke to the Guidance counselor to make sure it would count as a school related absence (she REALLY wants "perfect attendance"!) She then had to speak to the Dean. This girl seriously has come a LONG way! She couldn't have looked at either of those people when she started school there and now she can go and tell them what she wants/needs. I'm so proud of her!

I didn't know how this whole "calling in sick to school" thing worked and we have to leave pretty early in the morning, so I called the school today. The Dean called me back and told me the process of how this works. Apparently, she had been waiting for the teen's mom to send some sort of note letting her know what was going on, but obviously that didn't happen. The teen knew that I would take care of things (good ole' reliable me ;) ). The Dean had me send an email with the information, but said she told the teen that she needed to bring in "proof" of the visit. So, the teen sent me an email during her last period to see if I could bring her a copy of the invitation to school. Well, of course (even though it wasn't exactly necessary at this point, may as well let her be the responsible one!) and then she hand-delivered it (she also had to get "permission" from all of her teachers).

It was not long after we got back to my house after school that the teen told me that she needed to have a PE permission slip signed by tomorrow, but she wasn't going to be at school tomorrow and she forgot the slip at school. So, we got back in the car, drove to her school (only a mile, but that's not part of the story ;), she ran to get the slip, I signed it since her mom is out-of-town (maybe I should have texted her mom to make sure it's okay for her to go bowling, but whatever...) and she delivered it to her teacher. Then, she asked me if I'd take her to get some shoes to wear tomorrow since she doesn't want to wear her heels anymore. Again, of course...even though it is really sad to me that none of these things could have/would have been done if she was with her mom today :(

We ended up going to a number of different stores because apparently it's really hard to find size 10 shoes...this girl who wears size 6 1/2 had no clue about that! But, she found a pair of shoes as well as some earrings that she was able to pay for with the money her mom gave her. She was a little worried she wouldn't have enough money to pay for a movie with her friend tomorrow night if that's the plan, but I'm totally willing to supplement the movie since she never gets to do fun stuff (none of her friends are going to the fall formal, so she won't be going either...I think that's too bad, but I suppose maybe it's a good thing all her friends aren't going if she wouldn't be able to afford to go...)

Since our shopping went longer than anticipated, I knew there wouldn't be time to cook dinner before my choir practice, so we went to Olive Garden on the way home :) (Maybe she's had too much "Amanda" time for the day because she's currently in her room even though she knows I have SVU on DVR for us to watch...)

Her mom hasn't called since Saturday which doesn't surprise me. We also haven't heard from her brothers/cousin or her sister/aunt and she told me she doesn't even know their phone numbers. Even though I don't talk to my family as much now as I used to, I think this "disconnect" is sad (although I'm thankful she is here with me instead of being left at home in charge of her siblings while her mom is gone.)

So, we are enjoying our time "hanging out" and she has just emerged from her room, so maybe it's SVU time. Maybe I'll "blog" tomorrow while I'm hanging out on a college campus for seven hours during her conference...hopefully I won't be an annoying "tweeter" ;)

Good night.

Wordless Wednesday

My nephew...I'm getting another one in March :)

Therapy Day

I have seen something on twitter/blogs about blogging every day in November. I was/am trying to do that, but don't really have much to "journal" today since I saw my therapist this morning and went to a foster parents support group tonight. I'm all talked out...well, not really (Chatty Cathy), but am tired. I did hear from the GAL today to get input on how I think the girls are doing and if I have any concerns. Mom goes to court on Monday for a review. Neither the GAL nor the caseworker are recommending that the case be closed at this time. So, I'm pretty "convicted" in my plan to continue my "break" for the time being.

Good night.

Blessed are the Flexible

One of my nursing professors used to say "Blessed are the flexible" all the time and it just stuck. It definitely works with nursing, but also life in general. So, Dr. H., thanks for that :)

Today was definitely one of those days that I'm thankful that this quote has stuck with me for so long!

The teen is staying with me all week and I was scheduled to work two of the week days. When she lived with me before, my mom picked up the girls and brought her to school and the little one to day care. This time, I have decided not to ask for her assistance (or my dad's or sister's) unless I absolutely have to. So, on the days I had to work, she would have to get up earlier than she used to when she lived here and get dropped off at school an hour before classes start. I let her know this before she "agreed" to stay here, but would really like to make this week as easy as possible for her (with hopes this isn't the only time she stays with me!)

So, I opted to try and get today off work. We haven't had that many patients and when I left last night, I thought it would be pretty "sure thing" that I'd get the day off. Then, I got a 5:00 AM phone call that I would be "on call". This isn't as great as being "off", but it did mean I could sleep in a bit longer and so could the teen.

However, the "sleeping in" was cut short by a phone call at 6:55 AM saying that I needed to come to work at least until 1:00 since the charge nurse had meetings. So, I quickly showered and got ready for work, dropping the teen off at school before getting to work about 7:35 (great perk of living close!) The teen had a ride home in case I needed to stay...and I let her know that I probably would choose to stay if I could so then I could try to get Wednesday off (and not completely run out of PTO).

I showed up to work and did get my patients from yesterday. Unfortunately, the co-worker in my area was really crabby when I got there (seriously, I'm the one who just got called in at 7:00 in the morning!) Then, the charge nurse's meetings were done by 9:30 (seriously, I got called in for 2 1/2 hours?!), so someone was going to have to go home (you know, for "budget" reasons). If I went home, I'd still be "on call" and risk being called back in if they got busy...yeah, that didn't sound like fun even though I definitely had stuff I could do at home in the mean time.

So, I decided to stay and actually had a pretty busy day. I managed to pretty much "steer clear" of my crabby co-worker (she also did get less crabby as the day went on, thank goodness!)

As annoying as all this was, I'm thankful for this "blessed are the flexible" motto and that I was able to demonstrate to my co-workers how to appropriately react when things don't go as planned (at least I hope I was a good role model of that ;) )

I haven't seen the teen since I got home from work, but she did save a bowl of macaroni and cheese for me :) (I let her know on the way to school that I didn't expect her to cook dinner and she didn't have to wait for me, but I wasn't sure what she'd do!) I think she has some tests/quizzes tomorrow, so she's been studying. I doubt she'll let me quiz her, but I did offer.

I already have tomorrow off (and a laundry list of things I NEED to make myself do!) and will try again on Wednesday to get the full day off (as long as we get to sleep in, I'll be cool with it and try again on Saturday ;) )

Good night.

Soaking It Up

I'm sure this time next week I'll be thinking that this time with the teen went by WAY too fast, but right now, I'm focusing on the fact that I have at least six more days with her. I'm planning on soaking up this time as much as I can.

I'm pretty sure that when her mom called yesterday, she gave her a "talking to", but if I had to guess, I'd say she probably won't call again. She tends to get caught up in her own little world and apparently she trusts me, so that's good.

Last night, we ended up going to a 9:40 movie even though I had to work this morning (I thought the "fall back" would help, but not really when you go to bed 2 hours after you usually do!) We picked up one of her friends and she had invited another friend to come. She was really vague about this "other friend", but I was able to get her to tell me all about him. Apparently, she met him online via facebook and twitter and has talked to him that way (and maybe via text/telephone?) I'm not sure why she was afraid to tell me because...hello...Ginger, Tammy, Alece, etc...she's totally my daughter ;) An even more funny part of the story is that this "kid" accidentally called my house and left a message for one of his relatives about his amazing football game back in August (he was the Senior quarterback at his tiny Christian school). Apparently, she hasn't told him that connection, but did share it with me. It still makes me giggle that she didn't want to tell me she met him online...seriously, I don't think you're weird, sweetheart ;)

It definitely didn't feel like an extra hour of sleep last night, but at least it was a good day at work (busy, but not bad). Thankfully I don't use my cell phone for my alarm because for some reason my $print phone decided to "fall back" TWO hours instead of one...not cool!

I called to check in with the teen a couple of times while I was at work. She did homework until watching "her" football team play and let me know that she slept okay (and found something to eat for lunch). I called her while I was walking to my car after my shift and asked if she had eaten dinner. She told me yes but that there was some left. I thought that was really sweet that she made enough of whatever for me.

And then I came home to this:

She had found my mom's pancake recipe and had the syrup all warmed up in that coffee cup. She had me make the eggs since she didn't know how I wanted them and then we had dinner together (complete with chocolate milk like we had nearly every night when she and her sister lived here). We had a nice visit during dinner, then she rinsed the dishes before I put them in the dishwasher as was always our routine. She is now in her room doing homework.

Even though it will be a busy week, I am looking forward to soaking up every minute I can. She is such a sweet girl and I am so blessed to still have her in my life.

Good night.

She's Here

The teen decided to come this morning instead of last night which was fine with me. She talked my ear off and we "hung out" until it was time for me to go to a college football game with my dad. She stayed at my parents' house while we were at the game since I don't have the channel the game was on. Now, she is trying to figure out a movie with her friend...I'm glad tonight is "fall back" because it's going to be a late movie at this point and I have to work in the morning. I hope this "social" doesn't fall through because she seriously went out with friend less than half a dozen times in the 16 months she lived with me. Her mom has made comments that basically tell me she doesn't really want the teen having friends which is sad (or that she doesn't want her hanging out with them anyway). I thought they were going to pick some movie I don't want to see that is at least a half an hour drive from my house, so it's not like I'd turn around and go back to get them. But, now they seem to have picked a movie that I want to see, so yay for that.

Time to go. Still on course for blogging every day in November for whatever that acronym is or whatever...ha!

Good night.

Flashback Friday--Revisiting a Rough Time

Sara (Gitzen Girl) often did "Flashback Friday" posts. I've been thinking about her a lot (and missing her posts...I actually re-read one of her posts before I started writing this one because I had blogged that it really touched me), so thought it fitting to write a "Flashback Friday" this week. The other day, I was "flipping" through some of my old posts and came upon this one. I actually called in sick to work two days later because I could not stop crying and started seeing my current therapist.


One of the things I really like about having an "online journal" is that it is a fairly easy way for me to go back and read about different times in my life. I like remembering the fun times and looking at pictures, but also remembering rough patches and how I was able to work through them. I learn a lot by talking to other people and listening to their stories, but I think it is also good to learn from myself.


It was interesting to me that I still struggle with some of the things I wrote about here, but I have made a lot of progress and have learned a lot about myself during these past two years and two months. Although I am in a much better place now, I am thankful that I "happened" upon this post as a reminder of how far I have come. Warning: It's a long one (as nearly all of my posts are!)

Broken Point 
(originally written September 2, 2009)

I held in (most of) my tears until I was driving home from the horse races. As the tears fell, I was thinking about what to title this post. There have been posts swirling in my head just trying to come out, but for whatever reason that has not happened. "Broken Point" seemed to fit I guess, because that's how I feel...

I began sobbing while doing the simple task of washing my hands. As I sobbed and splashed water on my face, I thought to myself "What would I say in response to someone who asked what was wrong?" "Nothing?", "Everything?" "What do you want?" "Well, probably exactly what I have right now." "Why the tears then?" "I don't know, I just don't know, but they just won't stop."


I cried so hard I became physically ill. What the H-E-double hockey sticks is the matter with me?! While the tears still fall, I'm definitely going to make sure I don't throw up again...sheesh. (Well, it seems at this point I may have run out of tears for the time being, but who knows how long that will last...)

Again, where in the world is this all coming from?! Not sure I will ever know for sure, but this "blog" was created for my journal and at this point, I think journalling is the only thing that could possibly help right now.

Thinking I may need to do a little "rewind"...I think this has all been "stewing" for a while and it was only a matter of time before "it" hit the fan.

Not sure if my "meltdowns" began just prior to this post which displayed my ticking biological clock, but looking back, it could have been stewing way back when I was experiencing the drought. In either case, I may have let things go a little too long.

On the 27th, I wanted to write a post titled "He Called". (I wrote this post and this one instead!) I burst into tears as I told Ginger that the guy I went on a "double date" with called me and invited me to a movie. While she made me giggle with questions of his five heads and probation, there was still the question of "Why?" Why was it so much easier for me to take if he went on the "short list" of guys who went out with me once and never called back (of course, my "lovely" friend from Curves pointed out that we haven't technically gone on a "date", so it isn't until we do that and he calls again that he can be taken off that "short list") But, really it was easier that way. You would think that maybe I would be beating myself up wondering why he wouldn't want to hang out with me, was I not "cool" enough, "pretty" enough, "smart" enough, "fun" enough...but, those thoughts never really crossed my mind. In fact, I found it kind of funny to have that kind of track record. It was the fact that he DID want to hang out with me again that bothered me more. That isn't the first time that I have wondered WHY people like me, why people like the "Chicago girls" honestly wanted to see me and hang out with me again. (Gosh darn these tears!) I DO feel like I have a lot of friends, so why the insecurity? Why the tears? Why do I not feel "worthy" of that?

I DID call him back, which led me to want to write a post called "Making Time". The next day that I had nothing planned was like 2 weeks away (I still haven't "committed" to doing something with him that day...) I was thinking that "time" was a lot like "money". You can learn to do a lot with a little, but only if you choose to do so. You can make the most of the time that you have--whether that be time with your family, your friends, your significant other--whether it is a telephone call, coffee every other month, or scheduled "us" time. If you REALLY want something to happen, there will be a way to make it work...it could be a simple fix like cutting out an hour of television, or a bigger "sacrifice", but if it is truly important, it is possible. I think the same can be said about money, although I have been fortunate not to have to "pinch pennies" all the time, but I like using coupons, buying things on sale, traveling with free airline tickets to places where I have family and friends, eating dinner with my parents... So, I'm thinking that if it is important for me to hang out with him (or any other guy), then I will have to make time--it will have to be important to me...

Writing this post, while feeling thankful, also brought the idea for a post called either "Fine Line" or "Slippery Slope". I love that I am in a position where I can be there to help those "in need" on many different levels. There are some big, and MANY little things that I have found great joy in doing for the special people in my life (and those "special people" who grace my life for just a moment but feel "touched" by me just being me). But, is being one who ministers to the needy different than having the desire to feel "needed"? I have struggled a lot since this concept first came to fruition. In my mind, I want to think that my heart was just made to love other people and to bring out the best in them (yeah, just a little bit ENFJ!), doing little things that mean much, paying attention to details, being an "information gatherer", trying to make each person I meet feel like they are special...but, what if it is a selfish facade boosting my "likability"... Of course, I know that I truly care about other people and their feelings, but I can't help but wonder if I am more selfish than it appears...or than I know. And maybe those two concepts aren't as different as they seem.

During the past seven days (Thursday-Wednesday), I worked FIVE twelve-hour shifts. Friday, I painted after I went to the eye doctor before I went to dinner and a movie. Yesterday, I went shopping, baby-sat, and went to a movie. I already wrote about the exhaustion after the three shifts that ended on Monday night. It never crossed my mind that today could be WORSE than those ones. Of course, my first tears fell before I even had breakfast, so I should have known it was going to be tough. I nearly took the offer to stay at home, but knew that if I went to work today, I could "finish up" all that work I did over the weekend when I worked with the same family I did over the weekend (I was teased for being "stupid" and "throwing myself under the bus", but I tend to gravitate toward the "challenges"...should have known that my energy for dealing with such things was nearly shot.) Here is where my ego sneaks in...I KNOW that I was the best nurse to deal with this family. On the report sheet, the mom was listed as "cooky", but she LOVED me, and I knew how to handle her, well "cooky-ness". I was pretty much zapped even before I got a new highly demanding (emotionally, physically, psychologically) patient/family. I didn't have much left. I was nearly breaking, but managed to hold back the tears. No crying at work. No crying at work. (That mantra doesn't always work.) I was dropping curse words here and there and my normally super-positive attitude was going South, and heading there fast.

I hate feeling like that.

I clocked out at 7:40...just over 12 1/2 hours since my shift began and I couldn't get out of there fast enough.(Everyone was kind of in the same boat...when you have a 19 bed unit and get 10 new patients in a five-hour period with seven nurses, that makes for a pretty crazy time. I did leave before some of them.)

My dad went to the horse races and I decided to meet him there because I have no food at home anyway (haven't had any time to go to the store!) I wiped away tears the entire way there.

A friend shared a "secret" with me. One that I am very honored she chose me to share it with. In that moment though, all I could do was cry (well, hold back tears anyway since I was in a public place). How terrible is that?! Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad...no matter how you put it, I suppose I can just be thankful she didn't have to listen to my sobbing (or see me trying to stop my quivering bottom lip) in "her moment". Drowning in my sorrows (whatever those "sorrows" are) when this was obviously a special time. Who does that?! I feel like such a traitor, or a counterfeit, or something else really not good.
It is nearly midnight now. And, the tears have briefly stopped, but I know this is not the end of this. I have 10 policies and procedures that need to be reviewed before my meeting at 9:30. I haven't been able to make progress on my kitchen painting project since 8:00 seems too late to start painting when the alarm clock goes off at 5:30. I work again on Friday and Saturday, so it would be nice for this "funk" to pass, but I'm not sure I should hold my breath. But, I should probably get some sleep since I am feeling tapped out and sleep is great fuel :o)

Broken...but only to a Point...this too shall pass...I can get through "this", whatever "this" is... I may have reached my breaking point, but not broken beyond repair.

I've been listening to my new Selah CD and LOVE it. Of course, I find myself crying at songs a lot recently. But, I heard this one on a blog before I listened to it on my CD and not only are their voices beautiful, but the lyrics are too. It may not EXACTLY fit what's going on here in this very long and likely scattered post, but it is on my mind, so I will post the lyrics and hopefully the video as well.

Unredeemed

The cruelest words, the coldest heart
The deepest wounds, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter nights, the wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are

[Chorus]
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see it will not be
Unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all …

[Chorus]

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But you never know the miracles the Father has in store
Just watch and see it will not be
Just watch and see it will not be

Not Today...Apparently

When I talked to the teen on Tuesday, she thought her mom would be leaving town (to see her dad who is sick) sometime this week. I talked to the caseworker later that afternoon and she was thinking maybe Thursday. That would be Thursday as in "today". I asked both of them to keep me in the loop so I can prepare, but said I will also be as flexible as I can.

Yesterday came and went and today was heading that way, so I texted the caseworker to see if she knew anything. She said that she had no idea if/when she was still going out of town. Unfortunately, that slowed down my cleaning/organizing progress since I figured she wasn't coming today...procrastination is my middle name. But, I did wash the sheets in her room just in case and went on a much needed grocery store trip (it's only three blocks away, so she won't have to have a string cheese sandwich this time ;) ).

I'm kind of wondering if she really will come stay with me. I hope that if her mom really leaves town that this is the plan that everyone wants. However, if her mom decides not to leave town, that would be okay too. The teen did ask me to provide transportation for the her college visit/conference next Friday, so I did send her an email about that. My recommendation is that she stay here Thursday night since the conference starts at 8:30 and it is about an hour drive. In my email, I also mentioned that she is welcome here at any time for whatever reason, but the more notice I get the better so I can pick her up or make sure she has a key.

In the mean time, I'll keep on keeping on...and know that I'll see her next Friday, if not before :) I'm so thankful that she and her mom are willing to allow our relationship to continue. I think this arrangement benefits all of us.

I'd better get back to cleaning/organizing (or maybe having a snack...ha!)

Good night.

So, an hour after I post this (at 9:40 PM), I get a text from their mom saying she was trying to leave town tomorrow (if she gets her "checks") and asking if the teen can stay with me. I texted her back that I work tomorrow, so then she called me. I'm disappointed that she made a point to say that if the teen wants to do anything or go anywhere, she has to check with HER as well as me. I was looking forward to giving the teen a good deal of freedom...and maybe I'll "conveniently" forget about that part of the conversation ;) She went on and on about the amazing relationship the little one has with her aunt (one reason that I'm really glad that this case didn't go to termination...it could have been ugly and I likely wouldn't have ended up with the kids anyway and at least now their mom lets me see them). I am very thankful that I am able to carry on a conversation with someone I don't really trust and also don't have a lot of respect for without her knowing any different :)  I'm definitely looking forward to a week of one-on-one with the teen...starting tomorrow!

When Things Are Good

I was getting annoyed the other day when I was checking the web site of one of my patients. The family seems to only post when things are not going well or when there are things to complain about. Rarely do they post about the positive things. Their child has shown a tremendous amount of progress in the past days/weeks and yet an extended period of time went by with no post to mention that. Then, the one post that comes during this "good" spell is only partially positive and still rings with negativity. I suppose that is why it is suggested that we don't read these things, but "everyone" does. It does probably cause some unnecessary irritation when you are caring for that patient and the family posts negative things about that day, but I must remember that everyone has a right to "vent" (one reason that I have an anonymous blog!) However, it's frustrating when you are doing everything in your power to give the patient and their families the best experience possible (while dealing with sometimes VERY sick patients) and the only information they are sharing with the "world" is negative.

So, I decided that I should write something good about work. I got caught up in the negativity and "gossip" that was taking place over the weekend and was reflecting on that when I was visiting with my spiritual director on Monday. I often try to stay out of these kinds of conversations, sometimes to the point of walking away, which may make me seem anti-social. I've kind of grown accustomed to being "unpopular" while at the same time "likeable". Even though participating (maybe even starting) in those kinds of conversations helped me "fit in", it didn't leave me feeling that great, since that isn't really "me". It did carry on into today when I shared that during one of my "snooze button dreams" this morning I told our assistant manager to "stop being a b*t** (and promptly was written up...in my dream) and told another couple of nurses that I try to work on Wednesdays because our manager doesn't work Wednesdays (not 100% true, but I won't say that the thought never crosses my mind!)

Anyway, things in the management sense aren't that great right now, but I have been reminded of why I love my job so much. I work on a pediatric floor, so we have patients from infants all the way though teenagers (and sometimes young adults). However, it seems like lately I've been taking care of A LOT of teenagers...and have found that I really enjoy working with them. I think it's probably my experience of dealing with "the" teen for 16 months. My dad also enjoys working with that age and coaches 7th and 8th grade girls basketball.

Even though days like today ended up being a little stressful, I also had fun teasing the teenagers (I did a LOT of that over the weekend!) and making the most of a situation that is really not pleasant for them. I also once again witnessed today how GREAT my floor can work as a team. I had a new patient come around 5:00 and at one point soon after she arrived, she said something like "can you get any more people in here?!" Seriously, there were 3 nurses and a nursing assistant in there helping to make sure she and her parents were adequately settled in. The doctor arrived very quickly after that and things got set in motion very fast to get her the care she needed. Even the doctors commented on how well we did things even though she needed a CT and then an IV and then an MRI and then get moved to the ICU...all which was done by 7:45! There was so much coordinating and moving going on (right at the end of our LONG shift), but everyone took it all in stride, helping me with giving other patients' medications, transporting, making phone calls and giving her the best care possible. I think it would have been really cool to watch from "above" (I even managed to keep my cool which I don't always do when I'm stressed out!) to witness teamwork in action.

I do love my job...at the end of the day, I love my job. I love my patients and their families. I love that (most of) my co-workers can put aside any differences and help each other have the best shift possible. I love being able make a difference in peoples' lives just by being there. As my bio says, I have been taking care of "younger people" for as long as I remember (my sister is 23 months younger than me and I was the oldest grandchild on both sides of the family) and I have always known that I wanted to work with kids. I decided when I was in high school that a pediatric nurse was where I should do that work and never looked back.

I am blessed that I have found a place that feels "right"...even though it definitely has it's challenges (big ones and small ones). I can't see myself going anywhere else and finding as much fulfillment as I do now.