Rewind a few hours to yesterday morning. My little one still had a fever when she woke up and my teenager had a headache. I dropped her off at school anyway and the little one fell back asleep on the couch after some ibuprofen (she was pretty wild and crazy for a kid with a fever prior to that though...wow!) I was on my way to take the little one to her mom's house for the day when I got a call from the school that my teen needed to come home. So, I picked her up on the way and dropped both "sickies" off to their mom. After some "discussion", we agreed that me picking them up closer to 4 or 5 was much better than 9 PM (considering neither of my parents was thrilled I would be heading to that area of town at that time of night by myself). Of course, she tried to tell me that it is perfectly safe and that shouldn't be a deterrent in her getting to have the girls later blah blah blah. But, I some how was able to stand my ground. It helped that she had both girls the whole day instead of me bringing the teen there after school.
I went home and slept for like 3 1/2 hours since I was feeling kinda crappy and wanted to make sure I didn't get whatever the little one had. I picked up a non-feverish little one and a teen who was feeling a little better around 5:00. I think it's pretty "generous" that she was able to have them from 9:30-5 on a day that wasn't a regularly scheduled visit. I was thinking she would be a lot more intimidating than she was, so I guess I prepared myself well. Of course, I know that things could turn in an instant and I'll have to be prepared for that as well.
When we got home, I let the little one watch a Dora movie (again, I know) so I could try and resume the conversation I wanted to have with the teenager. I started off by apologizing for the night before. She needed to come up with something "catchy" to talk about Vitamin B12. She loves to sing, so I thought it would be fun for her to write a song about it to one of her favorite songs. Well, we spent 3 hours trying to figure it out and both went to bed at 12:30 without anything done. So, she was going to have nothing to turn in (except I was feeling awful and wrote a little something to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star for her before I went to bed) which definitely didn't help her stress level.
So, after I apologized for not helping her time management (she didn't end up going to that class so had until today to figure it out), I started back in with the rest of the conversation. I had barely started talking when the tears started flowing. She cried for a good 30-40 minutes as I talked to her and told her how proud I am of her, how special she is, how much she means to me, how I want the best for her, how I want her to be able to see how amazing she is, etc. She just bawled and was unable to speak (I did try and pause periodically to give her a chance to talk). I let her know that I am NOT upset by her grades because I KNOW how much effort she is putting forth. However, it seems that writing and reading comprehension are challenging for her so I suggested she talk to someone who can help her with that. My heart was just broken by the fact that it upset her SO much to hear how amazing she is...
If you have been reading this, then you KNOW how great of a kid she is. Seriously, this girl is amazing. My heart hurts that I didn't realize HOW much she was hurting inside. I mean, she has lived with me for THREE MONTHS and I knew she was hiding her feelings, but to see it come out like that is so sad. Now, I'm questioning everything...have I really not told her how special she is? Did she really not know how much she means to me? Okay, so maybe this really isn't about me, but I'm just feeling so awful. I guess maybe I've been too afraid to come right out and tell her how loved she is because I didn't want her to think I was trying to steal them away from their mom. I know I've told her how proud I am of her and that "she's the best", but apparently she doesn't really believe it.
Okay, now I'm a blubbering mess and hardly making any sense. In my heart I know I am helping these girls and so is my family, but I am wondering now if I should have been doing more. I have never pressured her to talk about her feelings, or about what brought them into the foster care system. Maybe she thought I didn't care, but that wasn't the case at all. It just makes me sad (my stomach has just been churning and now I'm not sure how I'll make the tears stop) to know that by her reaction, those aren't things she has heard often enough to actually believe them.
But, I DO care, and for however long she is living in this home, I will show her that I care, and tell her too. This transition back t0 home may be even more difficult than I imagined.
Alright, I've gotten out my big cry (now, if only the skies would open up and it start pouring down rain). I likely didn't make a whole lot of sense, but I feel a lot better.
It may be time to join the little one for a quick nap before we pick up her sister.
No comments:
Post a Comment