Feeling Weary

I wish I had had time to write this post days ago, when the weariness had just begun, before I reached the point that I can no longer keep the tears from falling. I'm tired. Mostly emotionally, but physically too...

I can't believe it's been nearly a week since I blogged, so I guess I should rewind a bit. I'm not exactly sure when things began to go in a downward spiral, but maybe I should start from where I left off.

Friday, the teenager did not have school and my aunt had planned a bonfire for the pumpkin patch where I was also working. So, I decided it would be fun for the three of us to go, then they could stay with my family or walk around while I worked since I was just scheduled 5-8:30. The teen was already stressing Thursday night about her English outline that was due on Monday and all her other homework. However, I was going to (attempt) to "force" her to come with us whether she wanted to or not because it was a "family deal". It ended up working out that her best friend could come with us, so it was nice I didn't have to fully convince her it was a good idea.

She had a great time while we were there (and the little one did amazingly well without a nap even though we were there from 2-9:30!) However, when we got home, she went straight into stress mode. I reminded her that when she's 30, she will remember going to the pumpkin patch with her best friend and little sister, not staying home working on her English homework. Yes, I was a straight-A student, but one of my "regrets" is not having a little bit more fun outside of school. But, I talked to her about what exactly an outline is and the purpose of it. Okay, talked at her may be a more appropriate description of the talking at a brick wall I was doing...

I received a note from the "Student Advocate" letting me know that the teen was placed in a mandatory after school study session for biology since she failed her last exam. I was already aware of this since she  told me right away. However, the letter said it was due to her "not working up to her potential". Well, that sent me into "Mother Hen mode". It was like a slap in the face because she tries SO hard, I've been telling her for weeks how proud I am of her effort, and I study with her every single day. I was at a loss for words, although I did manage to send her a lengthy, rather emotional, email Saturday evening. This girl needs HELP, help that I'm not able to give her. She has been talking to her teachers, getting help from me, and doing pretty much nothing besides homework and study.

Sunday, I was scheduled to work, but was forced off yet again. It actually worked out okay since my dad was going to bring the girls to their mom and she called two minutes before he was to drop them off to let me know she wasn't home. Fabulous. Also, even though Saturday night, I had spent over an hour brainstorming a rough outline with the teenager, she still didn't get it. So, Sunday entailed six (or eight) hours of straight working on the outline with her asking me questions/getting reinforcement every few minutes. I couldn't get anything else done, so was glad the little one took an over 3 hour nap. She just couldn't wrap her mind about how it worked, nor does she have a good grasp of grammar/spelling/sentence structure. She spent hours and hours working on it, but if you didn't know it, you likely wouldn't have believed it. By 11:30, she was spent, and so was I. She wasn't even completely finished at that time. I can't even imagine how frustrated she was and how discouraging that must feel to seriously have no clue how to do these things because it was stressful (and emotional) enough for me to watch.

Yesterday, I went to work and was thankful for a nice, slow day that wasn't filled with emotionally draining patients (as if a four-year-old with cancer and a thirteen-year-old who had severe head trauma from a bike accident aren't emotional...). I sent an email to the teen's English teacher letting her know how much time was put into the outline that was turned in. I received a nice email response from her letting me know that she is well aware of the effort and that M has been going in for extra help quite often. She offered to pass my email on to the other teachers. I also received an email response from her advisor since I had sent an email to her last week. She is also one of M's teachers and offered to let her take the test Monday instead of Friday so M can focus on her Biology test. She is going to continue to offer support to M which is great. The student advocate also emailed me back and apologized for the wording stating it was sort of a form letter. She stated she was aware that M needs extra help, but didn't EXACTLY say what she was going to do about it. However, the combination of the three emails did make me feel better, although a few days of stewing about it definitely didn't help my emotional state.

Last night, the teen actually appeared slightly less stressed for some reason, but it was definitely a breath of fresh air after the intensity of the previous days.

Good thing I had that "break" because today was not-so-stellar. I think it was the culmination of everything rather than one specific thing that sent me over the edge, but it was not pretty...

I brought the little one to her mom at 8:30. I was looking forward to working on my September foster parent report (I kept quite the log with all of the he said/she said that went on during that time) and just relaxing, and hopefully getting an appointment to see my counselor. However, somehow the morning got away from me (I did go let my sister put some color in my hair which was much needed and I feel a LOT better in the hair-do department which is nice :) ). Everything was taking me longer than expected and I ended up having to go through the drive-thru on the way to my 2:00 appointment (and I got a shake...much needed!)

One thing that held me up was an "innocent" call to the agency that has been providing transportation to let them know they only needed to pick up the teen and they could be brought back to my house. I was informed they they just found out they were no longer providing transportation and I just about lost it. Seriously, right then? Today? When we have a family team meeting tomorrow? And no one decided to call and let me know about the change? So...apparently, I for sure would need to pick up the little one, and possibly have to do a "round trip" with the teen so she could see her mom today too...so much for my evening alone.

I went to my appointment and the service coordinator returned my call while I was there. I just lost it and started bawling. I understand that the mom needs to take responsibility for transportation, but really, the only people that were hurt/affected by the change today was me and the girls. Would it have been SO hard to continue the visit today as usual and discuss the changes tomorrow as a group?? I just didn't understand why I was the one who had to deal with the fall-out from this decision when I'M the one taking care of the kids!

Plus, I seriously needed tonight, I really did. I love these girls with all my heart and LOVE that the teen is willing to ask for help and talk to me, but I needed a break. My mind needed a break from high school homework for a little while. I needed to write a blog post so maybe the tears wouldn't have come and then decide to stick around for a while. I needed a nap or something so I wouldn't snap at the little one for eating with her fingers or get irritated with the teen for not listening when I was trying to help her with her algebra.

And, I've been working on this post for two hours...in between helping with algebra.

Oh, and the little one never got a nap today and her mom took her all over the place. I didn't give her a nap on Friday, so understand and was definitely lucky she wasn't crabbier than she was. However, both last night and tonight, she cried for her mom at bedtime (and also for her sister). She hasn't cried for her sister at bedtime in MONTHS and I can't remember her crying for her mom before.

Well, it's late, but thankfully the teen has a late start, so I may be able to sleep in a little bit. I suggested going out for breakfast, so maybe we will do that...I think the teen and I both need an "outing" :)

Good night.