Ready...or not?

So...I had four days off when I did absolutely nothing productive, had one night of not-so-stellar sleep and I had to d.r.a.g. myself out of bed this morning as if I hadn't slept in days... I've been talking about having my foster parent license quite a bit recently, mostly receiving great words of encouragement and support. While I have no idea where the story will go after "having a license", I am beginning to realize that I really could end up having a child placed in my home (I know, shocking how that works sometimes...ha!) I have been asked if I am "ready". I guess that is sort of a "loaded question"...I mean, can you REALLY be ready for something that is going to completely change your world (even if you have 9 months to plan for it!)?!

Ready?! Well, I have a pack 'n play...and a full-size bed in my guest room. The guest room also has PLATES hanging on the wall...and shelves with "nick knacks"...and two chairs. I have a completely open basement with some toys, books, play areas...and the cords to my wireless router and cable Internet connection. I no longer have carpet in the kitchen (good start!)...but the living room leaves much to be desired in the child-proof department (papers, books, cords breakable items...). I have a gate to "gate off" the junk-room-that-is-supposed-to-be-a-scrap-booking room. I have an infant seat, a convertible/toddler car seat, and a booster seat...although the installation directions seemed beyond the realm of my understanding.

My home is warm (well, it would be if someone else was here with me who wanted it to be warm). My arms are open. My heart is big. I love children (and have been taking care of "other peoples' children" my whole life). I have faith.

Ready...or not? What a tough question. Some days I would say "yes", other days I would say "not exactly". Ready for what? Ready for an infant? a toddler? a pre-school-er? an older child? Ready to deal with how the circumstances leading up to the arrival in my home has affected him/her? Ready to give love that may not have been felt? Ready to provide "basic needs" for someone who hasn't had them? Ready to have it not be all about me anymore? Ready to take on a new role as "mom"?

So many questions, the answers are unknown or ever-changing. One answer I do know, however, and that is I know who will be there in the good times and in the hard times, and every time in between...lots of "whos" and one Who.

In the mean time, I will stock up on sleep ;o)
Good night.

8 months

I can't believe my nephew turned eight months old yesterday! I went out and visited him and my sister (and his cousin that my sister baby-sits). He is such a happy boy and so much fun :o)

I stayed up to finish watching the ice skating last night, so went to bed pretty late considering I had to get up early for the first time all week. For some reason, I could NOT fall asleep! I was even playing nice quiet music to try and relax me (that skating was pretty exciting!) It was a 70 minute CD and I was awake when it stopped (I may have dozed off here and there, but definitely did not sleep!) It was SO annoying because I knew that 5:30 would come early! Then, it was a super slow day at work...not exactly something to COMPLAIN about, but it did make for a longer day. I need to bring some things to do tomorrow since I will have the same patients back tomorrow.

I went and watched my dad's basketball team play tonight right after work. I knew I would be hungry, so I stopped at L0ng J0hn Silvers on the way to the game...even though one of my "Lenten things" is to put good things into my body and fried fish, hush puppies, and fries is not so much on that line. Also, the people serving me my food in the drive thru looked mighty sketchy (I know, shouldn't judge a book by it's cover) but I suppose that's the "risk" you take when you eat food from somewhere other than home (or someone else's home).

Well, since I have to work again tomorrow, I shouldn't stay up much longer. Good thing it doesn't look like I missed anything on the Olympics today that I need to watch on DVR.

Good night :o)

More Music

I've been hearing this song on the radio and wanted to post the "music and lyrics" so I have it to refer back to when I need to hear these words :o) It also fits because I started reading this book today that seems really over my head. It is about faith/religion and I'm going to try and read it, even though I only got through about 15 pages this afternoon (could be that it was during the time I decided to take a bath because taking a bath was a "good" excuse to not clean/organize)

Music and lyrics is nothing new to my posts, so I decided to look back on a couple other posts that centered on music so they may be easier to find in the future :o)

Unredeemed

The cruelest words, the coldest heart
The deepest wounds, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter nights, the wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are

[Chorus]
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see it will not be
Unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all …

[Chorus]

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But you never know the miracles the Father has in store
Just watch and see it will not be
Just watch and see it will not be

I was an absolute "mess" when I posted this song the first time. Now, I just belt it out in the car since that is the CD that I play whenever a commercial comes on. It proved useful when I sang at the top of my lungs on the way to Mass on Saturday night. The woman in front of me told me she "liked my voice"...thank you Amy Perry for "warming me up" LOL! (I'm not a soloist my any means or even have a small choir voice, but I do blend well with people who DO have great singing voices...ha! It was a really nice compliment, though, and I just took it :o))

Also, still a fan of these lyrics (and music)...

You're Not Alone ~Meredith Andrews
I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
**sayin'

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

Today, my friend's baby turned one. Since he is my "Godson" and I was off today, I decided to go visit. My friend even invited me to have dinner with them. It was fun to see her. His party will be on Sunday. I did get a quick picture with him, but it isn't on my computer yet. So, here's from last year :o)

Another day at home that I was pretty unproductive. I'm off again tomorrow, but plan to go visit my nephew (and would like to go visit one of my co-workers who is on maternity leave). So, I need to get some things done...considering I have now been off for three entire days! It's also going to be hard to get up early on Friday since I've been staying up late and getting up late! I'd better "hit the hay!"

:o) Good night.

Music and Lyrics

Legacy

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all the who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such 'n such...it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an "Atta boy" or "Atta girl"
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
the temporary trappings of this world

Chorus:
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon destroy

Chorus

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well done" good and faithful one

Chorus
______________________

This song has been playing in my head the past few days (well, the first part anyway...I had to search to remember the rest of the lyrics). I am a big fan of song lyrics (and quotes!) and love when they say what I couldn't find the words to say.

Last Thursday, I found out that an elementary school classmate died suddenly. Although I hadn't seen him in probably 20 years, it is still unbelievable. When I mentioned it at choir practice last week, I was reminded that he had lost a brother to SIDS (I remember him talking about his brother...we only went to school together from maybe 3rd-5th grades) and his dad also had died at a young age. He was married in October to a girl who was three grades below me in high school. Last night, I was able to attend the visitation (since I was forced to stay home from work...a story for another day). When I was talking to his mom, telling her how sorry I was, especially since grief and loss is not new to her, she said something to the effect of "oh, but those poor people in Haiti, now that is loss, they lost everything and their entire families, I still have [and she gestured to her daughter and other members of her family]" Wow, I had no response for that. His young wife, a new widow talking to a funeral director...you aren't "supposed" to have to do that when you are 26...nor should you have to go through a homicide investigation which is protocol for someone dying suddenly at home (can you imagine?!) They both were doing amazingly well, but from what I know about grief and loss, it is the time to come that will be more challenging, when it seems others have forgotten.

Not that I expect to die any time soon (none of us do!), when things like this happen, my mind wanders to what people would say about me, what my "legacy" will be. In these past months, I have come to realize that the path I am on WILL leave a legacy...and I will live on in the hundreds of people I have touched along the way (how about we go for "thousands" since I'm planning to stick around for a few more decades!)

As I wrote in my last post, yesterday was Asher Bolte's second birthday. While his life here was short, as Ginger wrote, his tiny feet left big footprints. He definitely left a legacy, and his story has reached, and touched, hundreds of people. I took the opportunity to have some fun with all this snow that apparently is not going away and brought some food coloring outside. I ended up running out of blue, and arts and crafts are not my forte, but I had a good time. I wrote Asher's name in the snow on my unsturdy picnic table (a gigantic tree branch fell on it in the June storm of 2008...yeah, it's still in my backyard!) and stood on the wobbly top to take a picture...which is why you can see my boots (I took a couple pictures, but liked the ones with my boots!)

I can't post about "leaving a legacy" without being reminded of the Lady A song that Ginger shared with me during her visit in November. She left me to listen while she got ready for bed and came back to me bawling...it IS a good one, and I was at a place where I wasn't as confident in myself and my journey, but knew that I was doing my best to make the most of my life and the people God places in my path...and still am.

I Was Here--Lady Antebellum

You will notice me. I'll be leaving my mark, like initials carved in an old oak tree, you wait and see. Maybe I'll write like Twain wrote. Maybe I'll paint like Van Gogh, cure the common cold, I don't know, but I'm ready to start

'cause I know in my heart--I wanna do something that matters, say something different, something that sets the whole world on its ear. I wanna do something better with the time I've been given, and I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life, and leave nothing less than something that says "I was here".

I will prove you wrong. If you think I'm all talk, you're in for a shock, 'cause this dream's too strong, and before too long...maybe I'll compose symphonies, maybe I'll fight for world peace, 'cause I know it's my destiny to leave more than a trace of myself in thisplace.

I wanna do something that matters, say something different, something that sets the whole world on its ear. I wanna do something better, with the time I've been given, and I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life, and leave nothing less than something that says "I was here".

And I know that I, I will do more than just pass through this life. I'll leave nothing less than something that says "I was here". I was here. I was here. I was here. Wanna do something that matters something that says I was here wanna do something that matters something that says I was here, I was here.

________________________

And, since I'm trying to focus on taking time out for prayer this Lent, I found a video (Josh Groban actually...not too shabby!) and lyrics from one of my favorite "church songs". We actually sang it this past Sunday, and it is often sung at funerals, although we also sang it at my First Communion. Anyway, it is based on Psalm 91, which was the Psalm this week (the other readings were from Deuteronomy 26: 4-10, Romans 10: 8-13, and Luke 4: 1-13). I actually did spend some quiet time in reflection and prayer (and "sucked it up" and went to Confession for the first time in over ten years...the priest told me that if I did it more often, it would be easier...ha!)



On Eagle's Wings
You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord,
Who abide in His shadow for life,
Say to the Lord, "My Refuge,
My Rock in Whom I trust."

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
The snare of the fowler will never capture you,
And famine will bring you no fear;
Under His Wings your refuge,
His faithfulness your shield.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
You need not fear the terror of the night,
Nor the arrow that flies by day,
Though thousands fall about you,
Near you it shall not come.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
For to His angels He's given a command,
To guard you in all of your ways,
Upon their hands they will bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
And hold you in the palm of His Hand
__________________

I don't have the lyrics to this next song, but it is a song that "unites Music City for Haiti". It's pretty awesome to see Christian and Country artists sing together on a beautiful song written to help raise money for Haiti relief. (I've been following this blog since the earthquake and her stories are heartbreaking, but her last couple posts have had some hope in them...so sad that they lost a number of premature babies due to lack of basic equipment, things that we don't even think about being "optional".)

Come Together Now


When I was searching for a link, I "stumbled upon" one of the last music and lyrics I posted--

Okey doke...music and lyrics to speak what's on my mind and it STILL took me forever to put together. Today was my second day in a row of only being "kind of productive". I have two more days to get my rear in gear (my sister texted me that if I was bored I should come visit...well, I was feeling "bored", but not for lack of things to do at my house! I should go see her one of the days, that would be nice :o) ) I have no idea when/if the next call will come and I ought to be a little more prepared than what I am right now. Kelly also posted a challenge on her blog to send snail mail. I used to be really good at this, but have been slacking a big, so maybe these next two days will involve letter writing too :o)

Good night.

Making Connections

Last night, I had the opportunity to "hang out" with some people from church. We have gotten together previously, but it has been a LONG time! Once we are together, we have a great time and get along really well, but none of us have the "event planner gene", so it was REALLY nice that someone decided that it was time. Last night, I invited another couple since I thought they would fit in well with the group (the "girl" was a grade ahead of me, but all the way through grade and high school). It was really "low-key" at one of the couple's houses (they are the only ones with two kids...a 2 1/2-year-old and an 11-month-old). I picked up a sandwich tray and there was fruit, chips, salsa, hummus...fun stuff :o) There ended up being 8 adults (since one of the husbands was at a basketball game) and 5 kids. Of course, I loved that since I'm a big fan of the kiddos (and of hanging out with people!) What was really neat was that when I mentioned having my foster parent license, it was met with a tremendous amount of support. They all thought that was great, which I needed to hear because I have been getting a little freaked out by the idea (even though I DID sign up for it, and have waited for a long time to have it!) All of them live pretty close to me and would enjoy getting out of the house (once this snow goes away!) I didn't realize that one of the girls is home every day with her baby since she teaches at nights, one of the girls is off on Thursdays and Fridays, and another one is a teacher so she has summers off. Even though hanging out with them intensified my feeling that being a mom is not easy (not sure why I JUST started to realize this, but apparently I had some kind of belief that it wouldn't be hard for me...um, yeah, definitely don't think that any more!) I have been thinking a lot about how blessed I am to have a church that has been my home for over 25 years still FEEL like home. And, now I have made connections with "the next generation" of church members which makes that even MORE exciting!

(So, it's getting late and I'm trying to watch the Olympics and type at the same time, so this is very much rambling and I wouldn't be surprised if I miss the point, but I've been feeling really "connected"...and very special...so, I don't have much of anything to complain about these days and it's fabulous!)

Anyway, I went to "family dinner" when I got off today. Even though my sister wasn't feeling well (she has been sick a LOT this winter! :o( ), she and my brother-in-law waited until I got there so I could see my nephew which was REALLY thoughtful :o) He is SO cute and makes us laugh like crazy! During dinner, my mom talked my ear off...she's got lots going on at work and I think was glad to have someone listen. :o) It was a little tough since I wanted to get home after a long day and have to work tomorrow, but considering I'm going to try to get off early in order to attend the visitation of a grade school classmate who died suddenly last week, spending time with family is definitely important. (I don't know what happened, but maybe something heart-related because it was sudden...leaving behind a wife he married in October...SO sad!)

Tomorrow also marks the second birthday of Asher Joseph Bolte. We share a birth "date" (the 22nd) and I'm a big fan of "A" names (for "obvious" reasons...ha!) so Asher's "extra special" to me :o) I posted a video Kristy made on this post from a year ago. Happy 2nd Birthday Asher! I know your family misses you very much, but are also so very proud of the lives you continue to touch. Thinking of you Kristy. {hugs}

Edited to add: Ginger wrote a beautiful post with her perspective on Asher's life and the legacy he has left behind. Had God not brought Asher's story to me (I wrote a little bit about "how that happened" in this post), and that email into my inbox, Ginger and I would not have any idea the other even existed...and boy would I have missed some huge blessings. I am so thankful for Asher's life and the blessings I have been able to see/experience because he lived. Happy birthday Asher "Happy" Bolte!

Good night.

Words From My Inbox

Well, I got a call this morning to see if I wanted to stay home. I turned down the offer because, Hello, I haven't worked since Monday!, and I also don't have a ton of PTO. But, the calls came back around to me and I was "forced" to remain "on-call". I was glad to know that it was likely I would be called in, so if nothing else, I'd get to sleep in, and maybe get some things done before I had to go to work. I got a call at 8:10 that let me know I should get up, shower, and eat breakfast. By 8:50, I received word that I had to go to work. My first patient didn't come until nearly 11 and then I got a transfer around 1. It was a RRREEEAAALLLYYY slow day for me since neither of my patients even had an IV, but was SO slow that it was 7:30 PM and I realized I didn't evaluate my care plan goals or fill out my teaching sheets...oops! I probably was a little annoying to the moms of these kids because I kept "checking" on them since there wasn't much else to do (I gave one dose of Tylenol and that was the only med I administered all day!) It was nice being able to be a "cheerleader" for a new mom whose baby wasn't being the best "team player" in the breastfeeding game (although even she asked me to leave...I am really thankful that she spoke up to let me know that my "hovering" was not exactly helping her stress level!)

I'm off tomorrow (lots of plans though!) and back to work Sunday and Monday. I ought to spend some time with my "Lenten reading" before I fall asleep, so will leave today with the quotes that arrived in my inbox yesterday and today...I thought they were worth keeping/sharing (especially in light of the fact that I am learning to "fill my bucket" and have been doing a MUCH better job with it!).

"To seek approval is to have no resting place, no sanctuary.
Like all judgment, approval encourages a constant striving.
It makes us uncertain of who we are and of our true value.
Approval cannot be trusted. It can be withdrawn at any time no matter what our track record has been.
It is as nourishing of real growth as cotton candy.
Yet many of us spend our lives pursuing it."
~Rachel Naomi Remen, MD
American Author, Storyteller and Medical Doctor

"Eventually we grow weary of seeking treasures outside ourselves and we begin to look within. There we discover that the gold we sought, we already are." - Alan Cohen

"I know what it's like. I've seen it played out a few zillion times. You're waiting for that magical day when someone makes the connection and recognizes who you really are. Maybe they'll first catch the sparkle in your eye. Or perhaps they'll marvel at your insights and the depth of your spirit. Someone who will help you connect the dots, believe in yourself, and make sense of it all. Someone who will understand you, approve of you, and unhesitatingly give you a leg up so that life can pluck your ready, ripened self from the branch of magnificence.

Well, I'm here to tell you, your wait is over.

That someone, is you."
~Mike Dooley
Inspirational Author, Speaker and Friend

Good night.

Something To Work On

Well, there are a number of "somethings" for me to work on, but it's nearly 11:00, so it isn't like I have all day to write about them ;o)

I am coming off a stretch of three days off. I really think I should have made a "to-do" list. Even if it was a list of things that were not done, I would be able to see the things that WERE done (things that were not that should have been, include vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, clearing off my table/couch...) But, it is what it is...and something to work on (maybe I will make a to-do list for Saturday or the days I have off next week!)

This afternoon, I met with my Spiritual Director (I guess I can call her "my" spiritual director even though this was only my second time to meet with her for that reason!) She started to mention something about praying in silence and it was "downhill" for there and I never stopped talking long enough for there to be a moment of silence...oops! I think I need to work on quiet/silence/being still! Something to work on for Lent I guess...one of the many "somethings". I was able to do a lot of "reflecting" during our time together and am looking forward to our next meeting. (If it wasn't late and I didn't actually have to go back to work tomorrow, I would probably go into more detail, but it was really nice...getting to meet with TWO people in one week whose job it is to listen to me is pretty cool...ha!)

I sort of rushed through my Ash Wednesday reading and just skimmed through today's. Today's reflection was called "Suffering and Redemption" and based on Luke 9:22-25. Peeking at tomorrow, it is a reflection based on Matthew 9: 14-15...I need to work on setting aside time to read the verses AND the reflection (it's only "day two" and I've yet to really set aside time to read the reflections, so this will be a work in progress!)

Exciting to watch the US win more medals tonight :o)

Good night.

Let It Be Lent

Ah, yes, it is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. I wanted to write a post about this and my "plans" for this Lent, but I'm not quite sure of my "plans" and if today is any indication of how things are going to go, I don't want to make any "promises" I can't keep. Last year, I had good intentions of making it an extra special season of growth and perspective on the reality of what this means. However, I found that only four of my posts were labeled "Lent", so I'm not thinking I did a very good job! I don't comment on or write much about this blog that I read, but she inspires me (actually, it was her Lenten post last year that inspired me to try and do better, maybe this year, her Ash Wednesday post will!)

Well, I have a book of daily reflections for Lent that I want to "commit" to doing daily (that shouldn't be hard, but I don't want to say I will do something and not follow through with it...I have issues with not completing things I start!) I need to at least do it the FIRST day :o) I was semi-productive today in that all of my clothes are clean, and most are put away. I also met with the director at the day care where I would likely send a foster child who is placed in my home. I went to Ash Wednesday Mass. I watched Olympic coverage :o)

I have a meeting in the morning and am not sure I am prepared, so probably should get up a little earlier to get things in order.

Hopefully there will be more than 4 Lenten posts this year!
Good night.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Yeah, I totally bought these socks yesterday when I was picking up a few things at the drug store. I couldn't resist (they say "I'm too sexy for my socks" in case you can't tell). You can kinda see my pedicured toes (they are red with purple hearts...probably should have considered how unlikely that the hearts would actually look like hearts, but that's how it goes!)

I did have a bit of a headache today, but was able to take a little nap this afternoon and had a couple more glasses of wine at "family dinner"...I may just need a little extra coffee at work tomorrow afternoon to deal with any leftover hangover ;o) Definitely worth it though!

I went to Mass this morning and then went to see a play with my mom. I am SO glad that things are "better" between us. My family actually hasn't annoyed me in a while, so either things are better or going to counseling has helped me handle things better...or a combination of lots of things. Whatever it is, I'm happy that things are better.

I haven't seen my nephew in a while, and I'm kind of tired, so this will be a picture heavy post. Happy Valentine's Day from me (and from my adorable nephew who is getting so big and makes me laugh!)

Good night!

I may have a headache tomorrow...

but tonight was SO much fun!

This morning, I went and got a pedicure. I hadn't gotten one since we went for my sister's birthday back in September. I got red toes with purple hearts on my big toes (probably should have gotten something besides a heart since I go so long in between pedicures and they don't so much look like hearts!) I got lunch at Panera after my pedicure using part of a gift card I got for Christmas.

After that, I went to a basketball game my dad was coaching. I only have been able to attend one other game this season and he coaches TWO teams! I got to keep score which I love to do. Unfortunately, the game before went into double overtime, so I didn't have time to go shopping after the game, but it worked out okay.

Tonight was the big fundraiser at my high school alma mater. I think I have attended every year since I moved back to my home town. It has always been fun. Last year, I was baby-sitting the weekend of the event, so had to watch my drinking, but tonight I didn't so much do that. Since I am a "young alum", I only have to pay half price for dinner. So, I was planning on spending more on silent auction items. However, I was drinking and talking more than bidding, so didn't come home with very much stuff (or spending as much money as I thought I would). If my count is correct, I think I had six glasses of wine...yeah, that's a lot! It was a ton of fun though! The fundraiser at my church is next month and I think I will have to get a ticket to that :o) I was "wired" for a little while after I got home, but now I think I am ready to sleep. I only took a couple pictures which is unfortunate because I was wearing a cute dress and cute shoes. I also wore make-up and had some divine intervention to make my hair look "cute" (I should have taken a picture of it because I used hot rollers and then did some kind of pin into messy-ish but cute ponytail deal that surprisingly looked pretty good!)

I was seated at a table with four girls who were in my class and some other people I knew. It was a ton of fun. I had sort of requested to sit with the people I sat with last year, but didn't remember their names. Crazily enough, I found out that the mom and daughter I remembered (but not their names) are related to a woman at work that I call my "bff" who hung out with me in Montreal...small world! (The mom is actually HER mom and the daughter is her sister...super crazy!) I should have taken a picture with them, but I did not. It sounded like a lot of money was raised which is fabulous because that school means SO much to me! I really wished that I could hold up my paddle during the oral auction to bid on some of the big items...maybe some day!

Well, I'd better head to bed because I still need to go to church in the morning and think I told my mom I would go to a play (or musical) with her tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully since I stayed away from red wine, I won't have a headache, but I suppose it will have to be a "pleasant surprise" if I DON'T feel a little "off" tomorrow!

I had to get a picture with this girl. She is the youngest of five kids in the family that was the first family I baby-sat. I like to tell her she is "my favorite". She is a sophomore in high school now (the second-to-youngest child in her family was only about 3 months old when I started baby-sitting them!)

It was fun to see some girls from my class and to sit at the table with them :o) The two girls on the left actually went to my elementary school as well, so we were in school together for 13 years!!

Okey doke...heading to bed. What a fun day! I'm really thankful for a fun day because yesterday wasn't all that "fun".
Good night!

This Day Was Nutso!

So, "nutso" may not be a word, but it definitely fits--that, or crazy, bizarre, odd, weird, one-of-a-kind, unforgettable...seriously, "nutso" just sounds fun :o)

I stayed up a bit too late last night considering I actually needed to be up early on my day off. We have a program at work where once a year you can get free lab work with a health screening. This year, if you participate, you get a discount on health insurance. I made my appointment for 7 this morning, but could go any time between 6:30 and 9. I figured I'd go "close" to 7/7:30 and then just go back to bed...so wasn't really worried about the short night's sleep.

I rolled out of bed around 7:30, and started to get dressed when I heard a strange sound. Half-dressed, I followed the sound to the basement. There, I found a pool of water and saw water streaming out of the wall near the toilet. I quickly turned off the water to the toilet which surprisingly worked. Then, I got to work trying to push the water toward the drain near the washer, and of course called my parents to see what I should do (I was worried that this water shut-off was just a temporary fix and that I possibly had a broken pipe somewhere). I left a message for the plumber and went ahead to my appointment (since I couldn't miss an appointment to lower my health insurance!)

The appointment was quick, and I live close to work so I was quickly back home after a stop at Starbucks on the way. I continued with cleaning up the water and got some fans going. The plumber called back and would come when he could. I was feeling SO blessed that this happened on a day that I was off because had water poured into my basement for 13 hours...well, that would NOT have been good at all. Also, it could have been worse if it happened in the middle of the night OR if I had slept in until my "usual" hour. I really don't think the water had been coming in for more than maybe half an hour by the amount of water. Boy am I lucky...but, cleaning up the water and waiting for the plumber kind of put a damper on the whole go back to bed after my lab work idea.

Then, as I waited for the plumber, I got a call from the hospital social worker. One of the transplant moms was sick and had called the social worker to say she couldn't really take care of her kid (okay, that's not EXACTLY the way it went, but sort of) The social worker was wondering if I could help. I let her know that I was waiting for a plumber, had a meeting and choir practice tonight and had to work tomorrow. But, I could probably do something...and I made plans to call after the plumber left.

The plumber was gone by 11 after finding that the problem was a broken connector from the toilet to the water source. Halleluiah, it wasn't a broken pipe! It cost about $100 for the "house call" and around $7 for the part, but that is WAY better than busting into the wall to fix a pipe, having to replace carpet, fix drywall, all the other things I would have had to do if my basement had completely flooded!

So, I called the social worker back and arranged to pick up the child for a couple hours before my meeting. I let the mom know that I would have to get my pack and play set up (since she said the child would be ready for a nap...yeah right...ha!) and put the car seat into the car. I asked her to give me 30 minutes, but it took me a little longer since I struggled with figuring out how to put the car seat into the car properly (still not sure I did it right!) PLUS I got a phone call...

THIS phone call was from the new case worker from the agency who is assigned to my home. I left her a message the other day saying I would call on my next day off, but obviously I hadn't quite gotten to that point today. I would be surprised if she didn't think I was a crazy lady because I was rambling on and on and trying to install a car seat at the same time. She was saying that my name and phone number had been tossed around this morning about a kid or two so maybe I would be getting a call. I let her know about the "favor" I was doing today and that another foster mom had talked to me about maybe doing respite care some time in the next two weeks. I also said that I am not quite sure what I'm looking for or if I am 100% ready which kind of made me sound like why I am I doing this anyway, but I think she understood...it had already been a "nutso" day and it wasn't even noon!

I picked up the child and we came to my house to play. I realized that getting a baby in and out of a car seat with all their stuff is not as easy as I thought it would be. But, it was good "practice" :o) The baby was SO good that I thought about just having her come to the meeting with me to give the mom a little more of a break.

THEN, the mom called me at 2:00 to say the baby was supposed to be seen in clinic this afternoon and they said I could just bring her. Um, okay (I HAD called the clinic to talk to one of the nurses because I'm not used to "healthy" kids and wanted to make sure that a little bit of wheezes and course breath sounds/junky nose was okay...I didn't sense any "respiratory distress" but wanted to double check!) So, we packed everything back up and headed to clinic...where I learned that the mom was mistaken and the appointment was NEXT week. My "co-workers" took pity on me and went ahead and saw the child. Since I was already out and about, I decided against bringing the child BACK to my house for an hour...I apologized to the mom, but there wasn't really much I could do. I probably shouldn't say any more, but I guess it's good that the mom knew to ask for help. I hope she feels better soon both for her sake and the baby's! (Oh, and in between here, my mom called to see if I wanted to go to a concert or a play with her on Sunday...I had to explain that I COULD be getting a call about a kid, but can't really not plan to do things on the "just in case"...also had to try to tell the story about the water and the baby-sitting and the other craziness of this day. We decided on the play rather than the concert and she sort of reminded me that we don't "do command performances" and if something comes up and we can't go, then that's how it is...oh how wonderful it is to have "that" mom back!)

Since I no longer had a child and the fans were going in the basement, I took the opportunity to sleep for an hour even though I probably should ACTUALLY get my house ready in case a call DOES come. My mess was okay for this baby, but likely will not be for others! But, I was tired, so I did it :o)

As soon as my meeting was over, before I left to go to choir practice, I got a call from a woman at the agency. She left a message to call her since I was on the other line with my dad. I called her back and she had received calls about a sibling strip of three (I'm actually only licensed for two...can you imagine going from zero children to three?!) as well as a school age child...not the call I was half-way expecting from the way the case worker earlier sounded (that child was a different age in a non-sibling group). Well, since I have to work tomorrow, it would be tough to have a school age child that needs to go to school, so once again, I had to say no. Two calls and I've been licensed less than two weeks...I guess I DID sign up for this, but for some reason, I wasn't expecting this! I am not sure if I am ready, but am not sure if I could ever REALLY be prepared...I suppose like people said when I got the first call, when it is right, I will know. And, there are lots of times that an emergency placement would work. However, I have been SUPER busy these days, so things will definitely be different! (My sister texted me tonight that she and my nephew miss me and she wants me to come visit...I do see them about once a week, but always at my mom and dad's. I don't think I saw them this week though since I worked the weekend.)

So, that was my "nutso" day...it doesn't seem quite as nuts when it's all typed out, but it definitely felt nuts as it unfolded (I guess water in the basement, two calls from caseworkers, providing respite care and taking that kid to the doctor isn't something that happens every day!)

Back to work tomorrow...time for bed!
Good night.

Have Ticket, Will Fly

It's official! Not only will I be in Nashville (well, near there) for four days in late April (any chance, I'll be able to recreate this?! That would be "pretty sweet"!), but I now have a ticket to the 'Burgh! Hopefully Ginger won't regret telling me "you can stay as long as you like" because I'll be there for four full days and five nights...she may have to "turf" me two doors up to Lauren's for a couple of them ;o)

I am looking forward to more of the kind of laughter that came both when this picture was taken and when we saw what the picture looked like (sorry Ging, this IS my blog...ha!)

Fun times like this (yeah, I am not good at posing for pictures...gotta work on that!)

and enjoying each other's company.

Of course, I also can hardly wait to meet their husbands...and the kiddos. I'll make sure to bring some "Depends" because those girls made me laugh SO hard that I can't imagine what will happen when their husbands are given the opportunity to take turns making fun of me! AND...it would be awesome if I could finally meet Kristy and her family, especially since I'll be in the area when Baby Hope turns one...wow!

I ♥ the technology that brought us together, and I ♥ that I only paid $10 for each trip...of course, that took LOTS of credit card spending, but still awesome if you ask me! More money for food and fun while I'm there--yay!

Well, back to work tomorrow, so I'd better head to bed. For the first eight hours today, I felt like a "top" spinning round and round from room to room, patient to patient, doctor to doctor...it was NUTS! However, when 3:00 came, I didn't have ANY patients on the floor since one went home and two were at procedures. That was nice. It was a weird day, too, because one of the employees who has been there a long time got fired today. It is SO sad because my take on the situation (from the outside having gotten no details about what happened) is that this person was great at the job they were supposed to do, and took pride in that. They weren't too happy with the way OTHER people were doing things and finally snapped...and was fired for questioning leadership. Of course, I have no clue how it all went down, and it was totally hush-hush except for the fact there was security monitoring my area, someone asked for empty boxes, and later a cart filled with boxes left the unit...hard NOT to be curious/nosy when those things are going on! It will be interesting to see if people are talking about it tomorrow...I'd definitely be curious to hear both sides of the story.

My head is no longer sore...yay! Hopefully that will be the only time I need to get treatment for those cysts!
Okay, time for bed.
Good night :o)

An Email and a Mr. Linky

As I mentioned in my post earlier today, today was the one-year anniversary of a life-changing day. As I was looking back, I realized that tomorrow is a special one too! I love dates and am sentimental about things like that...the events of a single day can change your life (actually, LOTS of life-altering events happen in a single day...or maybe ALL of them do?!...ha!)

A year ago today, on February 8, 2009, I received an email in my inbox from Laurie in Ca. She had been following my blog for a while and we both read some of the same blogs, including Kristy's as she met and said good-bye to her fourth son, Asher, on February 22, 2008. Laurie had received an email from Kristy's "in real life friend", Ginger. Ginger wanted to do something to surprise Kristy and her family with a gift for Asher's first birthday. But, she needed help to "pull it off". So, she sent Laurie and email who then forwarded the email to me and some of Kristy's other "blog friends". At that point, I was struggling with what I could do for Kristy since I live so far away and didn't "really" know her. I was, however, her friend on facebook, so I sent Ginger an email and let her know that I could do a little "blog" and "facebook"-stalking. I ended up sending messages to a number of Kristy's facebook friends and actually got a message from facebook warning me about sending spam--ha! I thought what Ginger was doing was SO great, like something I would do, so I said "when this is all over we have to become facebook friends!"

And as soon as "the secret was out", we became facebook friends...who chatted into the wee hours of the night until the one night we decided we were going to meet in Chicago in May. SO much has happened this past year, from our trip to Chicago (my slide show here, her really cool post about it here). She came to visit me in November. I am about ready to book my ticket to go visit her. There have been texts and facebook chats and emails and phone calls. There have been celebrations, exciting news shared, and lots of laughing. There also have been tough times, some teary times (okay, to be honest, the crying has only been me...me being "a crier" and all), some scary times (like her calling me after she nearly fell off a cliff...yeah, scary), and lots of times that were just "fun". Ginger, you are such a great friend, and I am so blessed that God brought you into my life...I could see your character in that one little email and I just knew you would be someone good to know...little did I know that we would end up becoming friends, or that we would meet and hang out not once, but TWICE in 2009!

I found that email in my inbox, but when I looked back at my blog posts from February 2009, I noticed that I didn't actually post on February 8. February 7 was the "Pizza Delivery People Party" I attended (that was funny!) February 9 was the first time (and, I believe the ONLY time) I posted to MckMama's "Not Me! Monday" Mr. Linky. Aunt Nikki found my blog that day and left a comment on my post. Since then, she has blessed me with encouraging comments, and she often posts "random" things on her blog that make me laugh (like this one she posted today...not funny for that guy, but made me smile!) It's people like Nikki (and Foster Ima and Steph and Laurie in Ca and Marcie) who I would have missed out on meeting, learning from, encouraged by, etc., if my blog was private (rather than being "private" as it pretty much is!)

I did get 10 letters written while I was at the coffee shop this morning. That is why it has taken me so long to send Christmas cards--I cannot just put a picture in the mail, and even writing a "Christmas letter" didn't seem like it would work for me, I have to make it personal. Just looking at the collage and writing my notes reminded me of how much happened in my life in one year! I know I have a year's worth of blog posts that could tell me that, but to see it in a couple pictures really puts things into perspective. And then, to realize that many of those great moments happened with people who weren't even in my life a year ago (including my nephew because he wasn't born yet!) is just amazing.

(This is a little different version than the one that I sent, but pretty close.)

Well, I'd better head to bed since I'm back to work the next two days. I didn't really get anything done around my house, but feel good about getting those letters sent. My head is a little sore after the shots I got at the dermatologist this morning, but pretty much just if I touch the bumps, so maybe I should not do that ;o)
Good night!

To Do Lists

I definitely need to start making more "to do lists". I had most of Thursday and all of Friday off. On Friday, I can't tell you what I did besides a whole lot of nothing. You would think that the prospect of bringing a child into my home would have been enough to get my rear in gear, but it was not. MAYBE if I had made a "to do list", I would have gotten more accomplished. Not sure, but I just didn't feel like thinking about what to do, so just did nothing. And then I worked Saturday and Sunday, so it wasn't like I was going to be productive after working a 12 hour shift! So, this morning I went to the dermatologist about the cysts on my head. This doctor was nicer than the last one. He still didn't spend a WHOLE lot of time with me...maybe like 5 minutes...but at least he paid attention to me and my concerns. I suppose it was a little different since one of them was bothering me. He had the nurse shoot some medicine into the three I could find (I thought I had four, but couldn't find the fourth one) to try and shrink them. Of course, now they hurt worse than they did, but hopefully it helps, and at least I know who I want to see if I continue to have problems!

After my appointment, I drove to a cute little coffee shop for a cinnamon roll and coffee and my bag of stuff to write letters. I also brought my computer so I could watch the videos Angie and Jessica made about the Bloom Book Club book Same Kind of Different as Me. I hadn't watched the videos yet and wanted to hear what they had to say about it. I'm going to Nashville in April and think it would be SO much fun to have lunch/coffee with them :o) Sending them an email to that effect shouldn't be at the top of my to-do list since I definitely have a sink full of dishes at home, laundry in the dryer, and an entire room that is in disarray, plus 30 Christmas photo cards that ought to be sent to folks who thought enough to send me cards (Happy Valentine's Day!) But, maybe I will put that on the list anyway :o) Well, here I sit at this coffee shop, trying to keep myself from going into the bookstore that is connected because I LOVE books and would have a very difficult time leaving without one! I don't read books as often as I should/want to, but sure do enjoy buying them!

More later...today is actually a "special date", an "anniversary" of something that changed my life in a way I never could have imagined.

Time for another coffee...and to put away the computer so I can write some letters.

Thursday Thoughts

It's been a pretty crazy week with lots of emotional highs and lows (though, thankfully not TOO low!)

Catholic Schools Week was celebrated Nationally this week. I was REALLY happy to be off on Sunday so I could go to the Catholic Schools Week dedicated Mass at my church (the "All School Mass" was a different day). At that Mass, the third graders were the choir (so cute!) and they sang songs I remember singing when I was in elementary school. The principal presented awards to a few teachers for their "years of service". Two teachers were recognized for 35 years of service...yes, THIRTY-FIVE! They were two of my favorites :o) After Mass, there was an Open House at the school. I have been in one of the buildings a number of times, but hadn't set foot in the main building for over 10 years. I decided there was no better opportunity! Oh how many memories it brought back...or, how bad of a memory I had that I couldn't remember which teachers were in which classroom when I was there since obviously there has been some staff and room changes since I graduated nearly 16 years ago! Some things haven't changed, though, and that was so cool! I was given a tour by a sixth grader and first grader which was just adorable. I was going to show them my picture on the wall, but somehow, the "Class of 1994" had gone missing! One wall went to 1993 and the other wall started at 1995...I told them that's because we were the best class! I spent a long time talking to a woman whose sons I used to baby-sit. I have been able to talk to her quite a bit as a "grown up" and I just love that! I can't even count how many people I talked to that day (of course, everyone knows my parents because they are really involved at church too).

As I sat in the pew at Mass, walked through that building, and talked to people I have known "forever", I couldn't imagine having children and NOT sending them to that school, going to that church. That community has been mine for over 25 years. I was overwhelmed with emotion at how MUCH that place and the people there mean to me. I knew I felt that way about my high school, but hadn't thought about my elementary school/church giving me the same feeling. I know I am blessed to feel so much love from my community.

I posted this collage before, but thought it was worth sharing here :o)

I think it was Monday that I read "Same Kind of Different as Me". I don't want to go into many details about it, because I think it means more if the story is a surprise. However, it is a true story about an "unlikely friendship". I admit that I read it kind of fast, so probably should read it again, especially the last third (I couldn't wait to find out how the rest of the story unfolded, so I probably missed a few details/meaningful "quotes"). One thing that was "kinda crazy" about this book is that part of it unfolded while I was in college in the same town where the story was taking place. I would say that I am 99% positive that someone I know has at least met one of the "characters" from the book. I have been to some of the places they went to, or at least heard of them (another reason to read it again!) Books have a way of taking you away, and it was kind of odd to be taken away to a place I actually have been!

One of the "takeaways" of the book is to get to know people that are different from you, learn the names of strangers, one person can make a difference... It was interesting to read some of the discussion questions on the book club page about these things because I honestly believe that they are a part of who I am. While I was surprised to hear my mom tell me recently "you SHOULD have all different kinds of friends", I know that to be true, and I DO make an effort to talk to different people because you can learn SO much by listening! I am also blessed with the ability to remember lots of names and dates...not ALL names and dates, but lots of them! As "endearing" as it is to call patients' parents "mom" and "dad", I much prefer to call them by name (and it makes me a little mad when I can't remember mom's name even if they haven't been in the hospital for a long time!) A name, not a number or a diagnosis, that's how I try to do my job :o)

Although I came to be "at peace" with the way things went on Tuesday with my first call, I still get a little sad when I think about it. However, it is amazing HOW many people were there to see me through it, help me through today (and, nearly HALF the people I talked to were people I met through my blog...how crazy is that?!) That's one reason I don't want to make my blog completely private...look what I would have missed if this blog wasn't open for them to find! But, I had lunch with a friend from work who works in the media department and she reminded me once again of the law regarding protecting patient privacy. While I have maintained anonymity for the most part, I'm sure there are violations here if someone wanted to find them. To be honest, that does scare me a bit because I have no idea what would happen to me if I lost my job...it is SO much a part of me... I know the last time I "freaked out" about this, I got reassuring responses that it did not appear I have done anything illegal here. I hope that continues to be the case. I did end up deleting some pictures from my "web album" so I now probably have some posts with missing pictures, but that's okay. (However, for a minute it makes me wish I was the nurse in Haiti who works at an orphanage/hospital and can post pictures of her patients and their stories on her blog...I don't think she would do that if it was "illegal"...)

I let my work meeting this morning...the second to last time I have to do that. It was once again stressful trying to fit all the agenda items into the time we were given, and of course we ran out of time before we go to everything and people were upset. I was teary tonight thinking about it because it isn't EXACTLY a "thankless job", but in the two years I held this position, I rarely heard positive feedback from my peers. That really stinks because I worked really hard to learn how the meetings were supposed to be run, what we were actually supposed to discuss, etc. but no one wanted to hear it. Of course, after today, the manager decided to change the meeting from two hours to three...thanks for nothing, right?! Time, or lack there of, was one of the things that caused me the most anxiety/stress. I guess I should be glad that the next people won't have to deal with that issue...of course, they will probably be "the hero" because SO much more things got done when THEY ran the meetings and no one will remember that I was working with one less hour (bitter much?! I probably should go to bed because my attitude just went down the toilet with the change in paragraphs here!)

I went to the dermatologist a little while ago to get some "bumps" checked out that are on my scalp. I sat in the waiting room for 45 minutes and the doctor took MAYBE 45 seconds to glance at one of the four bumps that I have, told me I was fine, but he could take them out if I wanted, and left. Well, financially, I didn't think that I could "swing" something that it appeared would be billed as "cosmetic". However, one of them has REALLY been bothering me. Without going into too much information, it has been nicked with a comb one too many times and hurts quite often, and sometimes drains/bleeds which is pretty darn nasty. So, after finding out that I have a $300 deductible (yeah, I cried), I called the dermatologist because with the discomfort and nastiness, I was going to have to "suck it up" and pay whatever it costs to get rid of at least that one. The person I talked to was really nice, and in a nice way basically told me that the doctor I saw has a really crappy bedside manner. She made an appointment for me to see a different doctor in a different office on Monday. Of course, there goes another $30 co-pay and I need to call tomorrow to make sure he is still "in network", but I need to get these taken care of...no matter what the cost, I guess.

I had the whole afternoon off and was barely productive (need to stop doing that...I DO have stuff that needs to be done!) I did watch quite a bit of TV and actually took a short nap before choir practice. I was the only "soprano" to show up at choir practice which, if you have ever heard me sing, is NOT a good thing. I enjoy singing in the choir, but pretty much put myself in the soprano section because they mostly since melody. I CANNOT carry a section...I am VERY good at "blending" (and AWESOME when I sing along with the radio...ha!) Thankfully, two of the altos took pity on me and helped me out, but it definitely was more stressful than I would like choir practice to be! Plus, it decided to snow again AFTER it had rained, so the roads were a little slippery.

Well, it's a little after 1:30, so that's probably enough "thoughts" for one Thursday!
Good night.

Wordless Wednesday

I am SO ready for this!
Picture taken April 29, 2008...
I LOVE how there is a stick right in there with the tulips!
I am SO not a gardener!

Peace, Love, Support

There is so much in my heart and mind that I want/need to write about, including the fact that I read Same Kind of Different as Me yesterday (I had only read about 50 pages, but sat at a coffee shop for over 3 hours reading the rest of it last night). That book, and the feelings I got when I read it, could be a post of its own, so maybe I will do that. I don't want to say much about it because it was one of those books I was glad that the story wasn't familiar. {A--I know you "check in" occasionally...if you want to read it, I can bring it to work and let you borrow it!} This is the second book that was chosen for the "Bloom Book Club". There is discussion there, but I wouldn't go reading any of the discussion unless you want to know the story...more on this book to come, hopefully while my memory is still fresh.

So much has happened since I wrote that post this morning. I feel like this morning was AGES ago because of how much I have grown and changed in the hours since that call. There was freaking out, there were "frantic" phone calls and text messages. There were lots of tears. I questioned if I had made the right decision. I contemplated calling back to see if I could change my mind. I wondered why I decided to become a foster mom if I was going to say "no" (even though I was fully aware that "no" is a perfectly acceptable answer). I felt guilty and selfish.

But now, 12 hours later, I am at peace. Peace. I did not see that coming 12 hours ago when my stomach was in knots and I felt like I didn't know what to do...and yet, "somehow" I did exactly what I needed to do. I found love and support in the form of amazing friends (and family). No less than TEN, I kid you not, TEN people were in direct contact with me today to lift me up, support me, love on me through text messages, phone calls, facebook messages, blog comments. That doesn't even count the people I know who were praying for me. AND, I didn't even turn to those people who have been there for me/with me "forever"...besides my dad and my sister. God brought "the other 8" into my life in the most "random" (okay, "un-random") ways, but there they were when I needed advice, a listening ear, someone to tell me to wipe my tears and remind me that I really can't do everything/help everyone.

I was told multiple times that when a child is right for me, for my home, I will just KNOW. I was told that sometimes there are two open doors and if you are doing His will, then neither is wrong (or something like that...much better when she said it!) I was reminded that saying "no" is okay. In fact, Emily said that she, too, had to turn down a placement today. While it didn't feel like it at the time, or until hours later, the decision to say "no" really had the child's best interest in mind. Could I have managed if I had said yes?...not without love, support, and prayers, but I'm thinking "sure". Did I learn from the experience of taking a call and saying "no"?...absolutely! Do I feel completely blessed by the friends and "contacts" God has given me?...most definitely!

Did I fully explain what's all in my heart and my mind?...probably not, but it's time for bed anyway :o) What a day...I seriously was in my pajamas until I took a shower at 6:30 and changed into a different pair of pajamas. Back to work tomorrow. To all those who were instrumental in helping me find peace today, I cannot thank you enough.

Good night.

First Call

I haven't "blogged" in five days, but it hasn't been because there hasn't been anything to write about! I was planning to do a "catch-up" post some time today/tonight anyway, but need to get these thoughts down now.

This morning, I received my first call from the foster care agency. I got my license in the mail on Saturday, so figured this day would eventually come...and, since I went online and bought a 5-point harness booster seat earlier this morning, it shouldn't have been THAT surprising that the call came today.

I was completely unprepared for that call. Although I had read about it, heard about it, I just didn't have a clue of how I would feel. As soon as I saw the number, I knew...when my house phone rang this morning, I wondered if that was "a call", even though the number they have his my cell phone. So, all the "signs" should have had me prepared, but I was anything but...

The woman on the other end of the phone gave me as much information as she had, but I had SO many questions. While I tried not to put "my foster child" into a box, the age and gender of this child seemed "perfect". That kind of child I "know" how to deal with (or so I think...ha!) This particular child has significant medical needs. Needs I knew I could handle, but not needs that my family would be able to help me with. I just didn't know what to say, especially since I DO work full time, and day care didn't seem like an ideal place. My heart was torn...I knew I could say "no", but what if I was supposed to say "yes"...what if this was "the call I had been waiting for".

As soon as I got off the phone with her so she could get some more information, I called my dad. I knew I couldn't give him much information, but I was freaking out...of course, his phone wasn't working well and we kept getting cut off, but he said "maybe you should get an 'easier' kid for your first one" before we were cut off once again. Then, I called the writer of this blog because has her first placement and I knew she would have some advice for me. She, too, reminded me that I could say "no"...this won't be the only call I get. Then, I texted my sister, and Steph, and Ginger...and then called Ginger because I seriously was freaking out and emotional and my stomach was in knots and I really didn't know what I was supposed to do. Quick prayers were really all I could do/ask for because it isn't like I could "sleep on it"...

When the woman called me back, she said that there would be medical day care available for the time when I am at work, but that I would need to get training today and bring the child to my home tomorrow. Well, I have to work tomorrow, so that pretty much "sealed the deal" (I also have to work on Saturday and Sunday...) That was an hour ago, though, and I'm still wondering if I could have/should have made a different decision. I could have seen if I could have the day off. I could have called in sick. It really could have worked...it would have been HARD work, but with the love, prayers, and support from my family and friends, it would have been okay...

But, I guess it wasn't "to be" and now all I can do is pray for a loving home for that little one...and spend some time getting my home ready before I get the next call.

I have tears in my eyes, that are slowly making their way down my cheeks...I definitely didn't know it would be this hard. I wasn't prepared for this.

Okay, time to clean :o)