On My Mind

As I was painting my bedroom this afternoon, I realized that I have a lot on my mind. I was wishing I could "talk it out" while I painted and have it show up on my blog, but I'm not that technologically inclined...ha! I haven't been having trouble sleeping in recent days, but I feel like it would be good to lay it all out there, so to speak.

• I'm thinking about the meeting I'm planning to have with management. I need to get my notes organized. I need to figure out what my "goal" is going to be. I need to decide what I want to bring to the table. I'm not sure I can/should use other people's experiences/stories to validate what I have to say/as examples of why people don't trust them/times they de-valued our concerns. I have tried to keep my planning of this meeting on the "down low", but it came out yesterday at work to two people, making that 5 co-workers who know. I'm hoping they keep it quiet too because making it a "big deal" is not my goal (although I do want to make a difference and things better for all of us).
• I'm thinking about an email my mom sent me. I was on the offensive last week, so I called my aunt to read it to her before I did anything with it. My new nephew is due March 10. On March 3, there is an out-of-town (a 2-3 hour drive) shower for one cousin followed by a wedding reception for another cousin. My mom emailed me that my sister "obviously" could not go and that she wasn't making plans to go given the birth of the baby (even though the thought is that she'll probably have him in February due to her gestational diabetes). She wrote this to me: "Given what all is going on with that timing, you could determine if you would go or stay to help with the baby and/or the other nephew. Either way is "right"." Seriously, did she suggest I should skip the shower/reception because my sister could have had just had a baby/could be having a baby?! My aunt didn't think it deserved a response, but I emailed her back that I would finalize my plans when it gets closer.
• I didn't mention to my mom that I have pretty much told the agency that I would start accepting calls for placements. Technically, I have said that I am "almost ready" but they can call with any "perfect" placements and I have day care figured out (I think). My dad knows I'm close and I mentioned it to my aunt as well as on fb. I don't want to deal with any potential negativity from my mom, so she'll find out what the timing is right. My aunt mentioned that there are a couple of guys that she/her friends want me to meet, so I'm also thinking about that...although I'd rather not. I'm reading "Raising Abel" and sort of feeling inadequate and encouraged at the same time. I definitely don't see myself being able to handle what the author did, but I feel like I'm learning some tools that will help me with any future placement (since my first was really easy in the grand scheme of things).
• I'm thinking about the girls. When I did respite care on Friday night, the little boy asked for the little one the whole time. He didn't understand that she doesn't live here any more. I didn't really want to talk about being a foster child who goes home because I'm not sure he'll be going home. He was really good for me one-on-one, but he has a lot of behaviors stemming from whatever happened before he was born/in that critical time after he was born. I saw the teen's advisor after church and she said that the teen has slipped some in her grades/performance including not turning in homework. I haven't checked her grades this quarter because I don't know what I would do with the information. I want to trust her when she says she is doing fine and turning in her homework/trying her best and am afraid that is not what I will see if I look myself. I know she is in transition and it is out of my control. All I can do is remind her to do her best and know that I did everything I could while she was here to instill confidence and a desire to succeed.
• I'm thinking about the fact that I invited a bunch of people to my house on Saturday. I sent out seven invitations which is 14 adults and 12 kids (5 and under). There is a lot more I want to have done before then, but am scheduled to work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. My dad is going on vacation Wednesday, so I need to have the second coat of paint done tomorrow if I want him to help me move my furniture back. I think I may try to get tomorrow off work so I am not as stressed out trying to get things done on Tuesday after all my meetings and Thursday with working the days in between. I try not to voluntarily take days off so I can save my PTO for when we are forced off and I'll need hours in case my future kid gets sick/for my vacations.
• I'm thinking I probably should get off the couch and organize some papers...I'm a paper hoarder and very sentimental about "things" making it hard to get rid of things, but I'm trying!

Good night :)