Heartbreaking

While I was feeling a lot better today (although I traded hangover for cramps, that really IS better...), there is still a lot going on inside, and maybe I shouldn't have canceled my therapy appointment, but some of it I can talk out here too. I continue to be haunted by the images I witnessed on Sunday and the events of the day are playing over and over in my head. I still need to "write my notes", but right now things are really fresh in my mind and I just didn't make the time to write them down. I am a little nervous about what I will have to face at work tomorrow, knowing that the last time I was there, a patient I cared for died. It is heartbreaking, but thankfully there have been enough "rewards" in the past nine years that I can't imagine doing anything else.

The teen is still sick and has been sleeping for four days. After the agency worker left (she said I should probably take her to the doctor if she continues this way), I called the doctor's office and talked to a nurse. I had her review the teen's labs (since I never got to see them...remember, I was in the middle of a circus). She said that everything looked fine, but this is kind of going on for a while. However, she said the the phenergan will make her REALLY tired, so if she has been taking it around the clock, which she has, then that explains a lot. So, I told the teen to start backing off the meds a little bit so she can be awake and try to eat something, since some of the pain could be related to not eating much in days. I'm not sure how much is actually still being sick, how much is anxiety with everything going on (school starts next week and we have no clue where she will be living...), and how much is the attention she is getting from me (although her mom did actually call her twice today, which is a nice surprise). I am hoping she is better tomorrow not only for her sake (because having a sick kid, even a teenager, is a bit heartbreaking), but because I don't have time to take her to the doctor!

I got a call from their mom a little after 10:00 while I was working out. I called her when I was done. She told me the little one woke up crying and she didn't feel well, and had a low fever (even though she doesn't have a thermometer). She had on her whiny voice, reminded me how much she knows her kids, told me that the little one has so much fun with her brothers that I don't even know, and said she was going to have to take the bus to get the little one back to my house that afternoon...and she HATED to bring her out in the sun (even though it actually was a REALLY nice day). She said it would take 2-3 hours to get to my house from hers taking the bus (apparently she couldn't "con"vince one of her family members to drive them this afternoon). So, I offered to just come and get her. The plan was for her to drop her off at 2:30, but I left at 1 to get her so I could try and give her a nap.

When I picked her up, she looked 100% normal and did not appear sick in the slightest. When I got her to the car, I asked her why she cried at her mom's and she said "because I wanted you". She pretty much denied that she was sick. Heartbreaking, yes...and makes it even harder to see that reunification is best between that and the teen wanting to stay with me at my "quiet house" when she was sick. She talked non-stop the entire way home, so apparently her throat didn't hurt too much. Then, she ate a "million" pieces of pepperoni and something else, so apparently she didn't really have a loss of appetite as her mom claimed. I checked her temperature and it was perfect. She took an hour and a half nap without a fuss. She stuck to me like glue during dinner at DQ with my family (and the two teenage Japanese girls who are staying with my parents for the week starting today). I promised her I wasn't going to leave her. (She warmed up to the girls when they brought her to the park for my entire softball game.)

She did repeat the "I cried because I wanted you" phrase for the agency worker when I asked her about it, so it wasn't a one time deal. At bedtime, she cried for her brothers. Her brothers did not stay at her mom's last night, so I imagine she maybe was freaking out when she realized she was all alone with her mom?! Sad to say, but even after all the weeks of weekend overnight visits, there is still very little bond with her mom (in my opinion). Of course, it seems their mom spends very little time caring for her children independently and there always seems to be another relative around, or at least the teen, to "help". It is really, really sad...but not really enough of a reason to continue to keep them in my home rather than hers.

It's been a rough five days and I really hope things start to get better because I'm not sure I can take much more of this heartbreaking stuff :( I suppose it comes with the territory of being a pediatric nurse and a foster parent, but that doesn't mean it's easy!