Broken Point

I held in (most of) my tears until I was driving home from the horse races. As the tears fell, I was thinking about what to title this post. There have been posts swirling in my head just trying to come out, but for whatever reason that has not happened. "Broken Point" seemed to fit I guess, because that's how I feel...

I began sobbing while doing the simple task of washing my hands. As I sobbed and splashed water on my face, I thought to myself "What would I say in response to someone who asked what was wrong?" "Nothing?", "Everything?" "What do you want?" "Well, probably exactly what I have right now." "Why the tears then?" "I don't know, I just don't know, but they just won't stop."

I cried so hard I became physically ill. What the H-E-double hockey sticks is the matter with me?! While the tears still fall, I'm definitely going to make sure I don't throw up again...sheesh. (Well, it seems at this point I may have run out of tears for the time being, but who knows how long that will last...)

Again, where in the world is this all coming from?! Not sure I will ever know for sure, but this "blog" was created for my journal and at this point, I think journalling is the only thing that could possibly help right now.

Thinking I may need to do a little "rewind"...I think this has all been "stewing" for a while and it was only a matter of time before "it" hit the fan.

Not sure if my "meltdowns" began just prior to this post which displayed my ticking biological clock, but looking back, it could have been stewing way back when I was experiencing the drought. In either case, I may have let things go a little too long.

On the 27th, I wanted to write a post titled "He Called". (I wrote this post and this one instead!) I burst into tears as I told Ginger that the guy I went on a "double date" with called me and invited me to a movie. While she made me giggle with questions of his five heads and probation, there was still the question of "Why?" Why was it so much easier for me to take if he went on the "short list" of guys who went out with me once and never called back (of course, my "lovely" friend from Curves pointed out that we haven't technically gone on a "date", so it isn't until we do that and he calls again that he can be taken off that "short list") But, really it was easier that way. You would think that maybe I would be beating myself up wondering why he wouldn't want to hang out with me, was I not "cool" enough, "pretty" enough, "smart" enough, "fun" enough...but, those thoughts never really crossed my mind. In fact, I found it kind of funny to have that kind of track record. It was the fact that he DID want to hang out with me again that bothered me more. That isn't the first time that I have wondered WHY people like me, why people like the "Chicago girls" honestly wanted to see me and hang out with me again. (Gosh darn these tears!) I DO feel like I have a lot of friends, so why the insecurity? Why the tears? Why do I not feel "worthy" of that?

I DID call him back, which led me to want to write a post called "Making Time". The next day that I had nothing planned was like 2 weeks away (I still haven't "committed" to doing something with him that day...) I was thinking that "time" was a lot like "money". You can learn to do a lot with a little, but only if you choose to do so. You can make the most of the time that you have--whether that be time with your family, your friends, your significant other--whether it is a telephone call, coffee every other month, or scheduled "us" time. If you REALLY want something to happen, there will be a way to make it work...it could be a simple fix like cutting out an hour of television, or a bigger "sacrifice", but if it is truly important, it is possible. I think the same can be said about money, although I have been fortunate not to have to "pinch pennies" all the time, but I like using coupons, buying things on sale, traveling with free airline tickets to places where I have family and friends, eating dinner with my parents... So, I'm thinking that if it is important for me to hang out with him (or any other guy), then I will have to make time--it will have to be important to me...

Writing this post, while feeling thankful, also brought the idea for a post called either "Fine Line" or "Slippery Slope". I love that I am in a position where I can be there to help those "in need" on many different levels. There are some big, and MANY little things that I have found great joy in doing for the special people in my life (and those "special people" who grace my life for just a moment but feel "touched" by me just being me). But, is being one who ministers to the needy different than having the desire to feel "needed"? I have struggled a lot since this concept first came to fruition. In my mind, I want to think that my heart was just made to love other people and to bring out the best in them (yeah, just a little bit ENFJ!), doing little things that mean much, paying attention to details, being an "information gatherer", trying to make each person I meet feel like they are special...but, what if it is a selfish facade boosting my "likability"... Of course, I know that I truly care about other people and their feelings, but I can't help but wonder if I am more selfish than it appears...or than I know. And maybe those two concepts aren't as different as they seem.

During the past seven days (Thursday-Wednesday), I worked FIVE twelve-hour shifts. Friday, I painted after I went to the eye doctor before I went to dinner and a movie. Yesterday, I went shopping, baby-sat, and went to a movie. I already wrote about the exhaustion after the three shifts that ended on Monday night. It never crossed my mind that today could be WORSE than those ones. Of course, my first tears fell before I even had breakfast, so I should have known it was going to be tough. I nearly took the offer to stay at home, but knew that if I went to work today, I could "finish up" all that work I did over the weekend when I worked with the same family I did over the weekend (I was teased for being "stupid" and "throwing myself under the bus", but I tend to gravitate toward the "challenges"...should have known that my energy for dealing with such things was nearly shot.) Here is where my ego sneaks in...I KNOW that I was the best nurse to deal with this family. On the report sheet, the mom was listed as "cooky", but she LOVED me, and I knew how to handle her, well "cooky-ness". I was pretty much zapped even before I got a new highly demanding (emotionally, physically, psychologically) patient/family. I didn't have much left. I was nearly breaking, but managed to hold back the tears. No crying at work. No crying at work. (That mantra doesn't always work.) I was dropping curse words here and there and my normally super-positive attitude was going South, and heading there fast.

I hate feeling like that.

I clocked out at 7:40...just over 12 1/2 hours since my shift began and I couldn't get out of there fast enough.(Everyone was kind of in the same boat...when you have a 19 bed unit and get 10 new patients in a five-hour period with seven nurses, that makes for a pretty crazy time. I did leave before some of them.)

My dad went to the horse races and I decided to meet him there because I have no food at home anyway (haven't had any time to go to the store!) I wiped away tears the entire way there.

A friend shared a "secret" with me. One that I am very honored she chose me to share it with. In that moment though, all I could do was cry (well, hold back tears anyway since I was in a public place). How terrible is that?! Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad...no matter how you put it, I suppose I can just be thankful she didn't have to listen to my sobbing (or see me trying to stop my quivering bottom lip) in "her moment". Drowning in my sorrows (whatever those "sorrows" are) when this was obviously a special time. Who does that?! I feel like such a traitor, or a counterfeit, or something else really not good.

It is nearly midnight now. And, the tears have briefly stopped, but I know this is not the end of this. I have 10 policies and procedures that need to be reviewed before my meeting at 9:30. I haven't been able to make progress on my kitchen painting project since 8:00 seems too late to start painting when the alarm clock goes off at 5:30. I work again on Friday and Saturday, so it would be nice for this "funk" to pass, but I'm not sure I should hold my breath. But, I should probably get some sleep since I am feeling tapped out and sleep is great fuel :o)

Broken...but only to a Point...this too shall pass...I can get through "this", whatever "this" is... I may have reached my breaking point, but not broken beyond repair.

I've been listening to my new Selah CD and LOVE it. Of course, I find myself crying at songs a lot recently. But, I heard this one on a blog before I listened to it on my CD and not only are their voices beautiful, but the lyrics are too. It may not EXACTLY fit what's going on here in this very long and likely scattered post, but it is on my mind, so I will post the lyrics and hopefully the video as well.



Unredeemed

The cruelest words, the coldest heart
The deepest wounds, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter nights, the wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are

[Chorus]
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see it will not be
Unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all …

[Chorus]

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But you never know the miracles the Father has in store
Just watch and see it will not be
Just watch and see it will not be


(and, now it's AFTER midnight...)
Good night.