Today was one of those days when it is probably good that I live by myself, and am not responsible for anyone else. Today, when I wasn't sleeping, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and try not to cry. Needless to say, I still did quite a bit of crying.
Last night, I fell asleep on the couch around 12:30. I woke up at 3:45, brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, and went to bed. I set my alarm for 6:30 so I could run my garbage to the curb. I then set my alarm for 9:30, but decided there was no way I was going to get up to go work out. So, I decided to go back to sleep and get up when I woke up. How surprised I was to see the clock reading 1:00 PM the next time I opened my eyes! Yesterday must have worn me out even more than I thought!
Too bad the good amount of sleep didn't seem to do much with my emotional issues. I am really struggling with something that happened last night. Hurting other people's feelings is something I never want to be a part of, especially when I KNOW it is going to happen. I feel stuck in a situation that someone NEEDS to hear the truth, but the truth will probably hurt. So, I'm not sure if the truth NEEDS to come from me! However, it could end up being better coming from me than from someone else who doesn't care as much about her or her feelings. This situation, probably along with other emotional issues my work brings, has been eating me alive ALL DAY LONG. My heart is hurting, the tears sting my eyes.
I did manage to make it to Curves, and held back the tears during my workout. I took a bath this evening, and had a conversation with my mom about the issue. I decided that being honest was better than being silent. I worked up the courage to make a phone call, but ended up having to leave a voice mail message. So, I continue to sit here with tears in my eyes, getting anxious whenever the phone rings, praying I have made the right decision, praying I'll be able to do what I think is right...so many things going through my mind right now. I feel DRAINED, and I fear I could still be facing the toughest element of this issue.
Just yesterday, I wrote about finding blessings in the small things. I suppose a blessing I can find with this (IF I am able to follow through with my decision!) is being able to be candid with someone even though that makes me SO NERVOUS. I typically run away from any kind of conflict, leaving the "big issues" to someone else.
I thought I was going to work a bonus shift in the PICU tomorrow, but found out this evening they should not neeed me. That too is a blessing, because today didn't really feel like much of a "day off". It's only 9:30, but I may just head to bed.
Good night.
Updated...had the conversation. Totally didn't go as planned whatsoever. Really ticked her off. Didn't explain myself well at all. Probably hurt her feelings. She thought I was judging her and her situation. Basically a lot of the things I didn't want to have happen, happened. But, I guess it's over. It's done. There is no going back. At first I thought I felt better anyway. Now, I'm not so sure. Hopefully my aching heart will allow me to sleep. Good night.
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