Things are crazy busy and I have no idea where the time goes. I had yesterday off and really wanted to finish up some stuff I have left to do since before Christmas (you know, like send thank-yous and a couple of gifts...yeah, I'm doing THAT badly these day!) My aunt has been going through breast cancer treatment since November. I bought her a card and still haven't sent it (or talked to her). I can't remember the last time I talked to my mom's parents, but I did buy them a Valentine's Day card. I feel like I can't "RSVP" to anything because of this roller coaster ride I am experiencing. I suppose this is what it's like to have kids and I do love being a mom, but man, some days it is just out of control!
All of us are dealing with the effects of the "transition" that really isn't a "transition" at all because it is going no where. Being at a stand still, living in limbo, lots of unknowns, has affected all of us differently. The little one is clingy and cries/wants to be held any time I tell her she can't do something, when she doesn't want to wake up, when she doesn't want to go to sleep...some days are better than others (today was a good day...yay!) Granted, I know she is still better than a lot of 3-year-olds, but this behavior change is obviously her dealing with all of the changes (and isn't fun for any of us!)
The teen's grades have REALLY slipped this quarter. Her effort also seems to be lacking, although just now she let me quiz her for her biology test and she told me yesterday about some "study tips" she found on the internet that she is going to use next quarter. She missed turning in a number of assignments and I think her test average across her 7 classes is a D. She is currently "passing" all but one class, but I think she could do so much better. I've been really struggling with how to address this, especially since I have no clue when she is going home. She IS passing, and I have told her that I am more concerned with her effort than her actual grades. I know I need to say something, but I haven't quite figured out what to say or when. She should get her report card later this week or early next week, so that could be the time. I am going to try and put in on her to talk about what happened this quarter, but she isn't really a "talker" when it comes to that kind of stuff and very good at putting up a wall. Hopefully I can find a good approach to make her willing to share what's going on. I gather a lot has to do with the fact she has spent two weekends at her mom's, her mom has flaked on a couple of visits, never calls her (except to make her feel guilty for wanting to go out with friends without talking to her first), and no one can tell her when exactly she will be reunited with her family. Basically, there is a lot going on and I don't want to "add fuel to the fire" by saying something the wrong way.
Needless to say, all of this has left me pretty stressed. I'm hardly at home and when I am, I am making phone calls trying to figure out visitation, transportation, and where to send the girls if their mom cancels. I worked Friday and Saturday, and of course those are "visit days"...or are they?! I hadn't heard from their mom all week until Friday morning when she texts that she hadn't heard from me. She never talked to me to arrange transportation, so the little one went to my sister's, the teen stayed at home, and I was at work. Sorry, can't help you. That's when she was freaking out about the teen actually wanting to go out with friends and called her for like the first time in forever to "talk to her about it". I tried to arrange transportation for the teen to go to the movie with friends (she couldn't stay the night though and I think she was feeling a bit awkward about that). However, at the first chance she had to back out, she took it and said she'd go to her mom's on Saturday. Of course, their mom texted me early Saturday morning (while I was at work) to say she couldn't come get them. Sorry, I can't help you because I'm at WORK! So, she's mad at me for not communicating and then upset that I can't help her...good times. So, both girls went to my sister's and the teen didn't go to the movie since she'd already told her friends she couldn't.
Wow, this sounds like a whole lotta complaining and a whole lotta jibberish, but I do feel better and this is my journal ;)
Overall, I guess I'd say things are still really good. I love these girls and I think that's what makes it hard. I just want what's best for them and some days I have a hard time seeing that happening. I know that these nearly 9 months have changed all of us for the better. I have witnessed progress in the teen. I have watched the little one grow a personality and learn lots of new things. I am a stronger (and "lighter"...people have been commenting even though I still can barely see the 8-11 pounds I've lost) person than I was. I am a better communicator (I think) and more flexible. I have definitely gotten closer to my own family and love being a parent.
Even though I never wrote my "One Word" post, I planned to use the word "trust" (I think...I never made a "commitment" which was another idea ;) ). Even though I have not been very good at making quiet, reflective time for me lately, at the end of the day, I know I need to trust God and His plan for me and the girls. I trusted Him to bring the "perfect kids" and He definitely delivered there :)
Okay, enough rambling. I need to bring my computer in for a couple of days (super annoying since I bought a Mac in hopes of not having troubles!) and maybe that will push me to make better use of my time.
Good night.
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