Today was my first day back to work since the news aired the story with my first date. Of course, it was the topic of conversation throughout the day, and I even watched the footage a couple of times with people who had not seen it (apparently, it was also viewed numerous times during the shifts between Saturday night and today!) In many ways, it is fun that my co-workers can see that I CAN be a "fun girl", but in other ways, it stirred up even more conflict inside of me...
See, I have a problem. I'm not sure if it is a problem with "dating" or relationships or commitment or what, but I know that some of the times when I have cried the most were "cured" when I decided to quit dating. Well, I'm not sure if they were DIRECTLY related, but it sure did seem that way...super upset, crying all the time, then away with the boys and back to "myself" ;) This has been a big struggle for me, and one that I'm not even sure I have begun to understand. It's something I have avoided because I don't know how to deal with it, or even what the problem is to begin with. Granted, going to counseling late last year/early this year helped a ton in getting me to a place where I was happy with who I was, where I was and then becoming a foster mom has made be feel fulfilled in so many ways (and brought along conflicting emotions of it's own that is a whole post for another day!)
I was happy. Things were going great. And then, this guy shows up at church and I'm like "whoa, didn't see that coming"...but, you never really do see those kinds of things coming, do you?! And so, I was determined to take things slow, not to let my "big picture" personality get in the way of enjoying the moment, each moment, as I made my way into hoping just maybe this time one date would actually turn into two.
I was prepared to keep things quiet--tell a few select people (and those who read this blog...ha!) that I was talking to this guy I met from church who just "happened" to be the brother of a former co-worker...and we were even going to go have a "date". I have spent the past 6 1/2 months trying to make the most of each and every day with these girls, not taking a moment we are given together for granted and was hopeful that just maybe I was ready to do something similar in another relationship--just take each day as it comes, not jump too far into the future. I can not write history without living in the present. Trying to guess what the future holds can actually take some of the fun out of simply wondering what tomorrow will bring. (Okay, I'm starting to lose it in my exhausted state...I ought to get to the point and press publish post ;) )
My "best laid plans" went out the window when our first date was broadcast on the news and online for "all" to see. Not only did I have to tell my dad (who apparently "announced" on Sunday at the drug store that his daughter was on TV having the first date she has had in a LOOONNNGG time), but also my grandma, who will now continue to pester me about how things are going. I have tried to keep some of my personal life out of work, but that is no longer an option because now "everyone" knows I went on a date. For those of you who got to see the clip, it was followed by a clip of a couple who were engaged while we were there following their first date on the rink a year ago. Yes, it was a cute story. Yes, it will be neat to have that as "our story" IF this ends up being something long-term/forever, but I was planning to not let my mind go to "forever"...which I knew was going to be a tough task for my "big picture" thinking.
And so, I have allowed a few of my tears to fall (but my journaling was disrupted by my watching of the Biggest Loser finale) and it does always feel better to put my feelings down "on paper". In a way, I wish we could rewind and tell the reporter we weren't interested, but then I wouldn't have a story to tell. In a way, I would like to fast-forward to a time when people forget about that news clip and we can carry on, slowly but surely, to whatever is supposed to happen in this "relationship" (reminder: only been on one date!). However, I know that people will continue to ask questions, and I will have to learn how to respond to them...
I'm not one who usually quotes Bible verses, but I think this is a time when I need to remember this one: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11
I know that God has plans for me...BIG plans for me ;)...and I STILL need to take it one day at a time, even when there is a news story out there that ends with "It could be the start of a storybook romance or at the very least a great first date story."
One day at a time, one foot in front of the other...and now it's time for me to go to sleep :) Good night.
1 comment:
Just be yourself, go with the flow with the grace of your heart.
You don't have to say much about the date itself to anyone. You don't owe anyone any explanations. Its unfortunate some people feel the need to elaborate on the news story, but you don't have to help them do it. Once they realize you aren't going along with it, they may stop. Who knows?
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