A Year Ago

As "promised", tonight's post is about a year ago. A year ago last night, I went to dinner with some parents of a patient who had been struggling in the PICU for a couple of weeks. (I knew them from the times I had cared for their child on my floor.) At that time, he was a little more stable than he had been, but there was little to no chance he would survive much longer. A year ago today, at 7:46 AM to be exact, I received a tearful phone call from the dad saying "we lost him this morning" to which I asked if I should come to the hospital. He said "I think she would like you here" (meaning his wife). I text messaged my friend who was a child life specialist that he had passed away and that I was headed to the hospital. She said she would be there as soon as possible. I spent time with the parents while I waited for her. As part of her training, she helps with bereavement. I actually had never touched someone who had passed away, and wasn't sure how I would do. I did better than I imagined I would, and we made some hand prints, footprints, hand molds, and took some locks of hair. His mom made a really neat shadowbox, so being a part of the process was a special, meaningful experience.


After that, I went and closed on my house, and had lunch with my family to celebrate being a "homeowner". Then, back to the hospital for a memorial service before the parents left for home hundreds of miles away. What a bittersweet day it was, and the month was not going to get much better around the hospital. (I'm looking at my journal from a year ago and actually on the next day, January 3, I wrote that I spoke with the mother of the girl who passed away yesterday and also about all the people who had called to check on me). One of the nurse practitioners sent me an email after his death that I re-read today. She wrote, "It's very hard in this job losing kids that you become attached to, but I think it's important to remember that the children deserve to have someone to love them and to care for them. It's what makes our jobs both challenging and rewarding." In a hospital where most of our patients are chronically ill, it comes as no surprise that we also have more deaths than the average children's hospital, but it doesn't make it any easier. In fact, I think the fact that the kids and their families are with us for SO long makes saying good-bye even harder.

I am glad I read that email again today, because today was a bit of a struggle. I felt the emotions building up in my head, and was not QUITE sure if they were about to spill over. My body was holding so much sadness and sympathy for all these hurting people around me, but fortunately the day went rather smoothly and I managed to keep myself together (I AM happy to have the next two days off because I'm not sure how much longer that will be the case). Talking about my job helps, writing definitely does too. I am NOT a strong person when it comes to my emotions. I can burst into tears at a moments notice and not care who is around to see it. I am thankful that God has blessed me with many strong friends who let me cry on their shoulders as often as I need to. I am also thankful that God gave me such a caring heart...I believe I am a much better nurse because of it (even though it causes me to be "a mess" sometimes!).

Tomorrow is another day...I will probably spend a good deal of it on the couch, hopefully not crying too much. My friend is supposed to come to town with her son for a clinic appointment. I hope I get to see her while she is here (that is the plan, but I haven't talked to her in a week).

Good night.